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Why he says "It’s going good just the way it is, let’s not mess with it."

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A beautiful woman is on a date with a man.
Hint: It's not because of you!

It feels so personal, doesn't it?

When he says "It’s going good just the way it is, let’s not mess with it", you just can't help it. You think it's because of you.

"I must not be enough", you tell yourself.

Or I must be too much. Or, in other words, "There must be something wrong with me that I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do and it's STILL not enough to get him to commit to me."

So let's clear this up right now before you go any further with why this is somehow your fault that you're stalled in the in-between zone.

It's  not because of you.

It's because of what any deeper of a commitment to you represents to him!Continue Reading

Too Busy for a Relationship but Not Too Busy to String You Along

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Nobody is too busy, it is a matter of priorities - handwriting on a napkin with a cup of espresso coffee
He says he's too busy for a relationship because of work.

One of our beautiful readers, signed "In love with love", has a story that so many of us can relate to. The boyfriend that just can't seem to make time for (or commit to) a real relationship.

Read on for the full story:

Hi Jane,

I stumbled across one of your blogs, incidentally, a few weeks ago and have been hooked ever since.

You have a unique way of nailing all the issues with dating and love right on the head - it's to a point where you're reading, you think these blogs are made solely for you and speak to your own experience.

So Kudos for proving that relationship experts DO exist.

Anyhoo, I'd like to gather your thoughts on an issue that I've been dealing with. It's been some time since I've recapped events but I'll try my best to make it sensical.

In laymen's terms, I think I've fallen in love with someone who might love me back, but isn't letting themself. The only real excuse I've gotten is because he's too busy for a relationship because of work.

I don't buy that because I believe we make time for the  things and people we want. And if that's not me, why not just say so?

This would be a much easier pill to swallow if he would say he's just not that into me or doesn't see us working out. That I can understand. But this limbo we've been teetering in for months is mentally debilitating and hindering me from moving on.

Can you please advise?Continue Reading

The Illogical Logic Behind Why We HAVE to Get Him to Commit

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Word commitment written on a compass
Yes, I've struggled with this too.

I don’t want to just give you more of what hasn’t and still isn’t working for you.

I want this to be what finally breaks through to you in a way that I once needed something to break through for me.

Because even though I got out of it (like you will), it wasn't the way I wanted it to go at all. I would go on to repeat the same pattern over and over again for years.

Why?

Because just like you, I was looking for someone to commit to me, but  I was going about it all the wrong way.

Listening subconsciously to all those cultural messages that I couldn’t have seen at the time because I was too immersed in it, I didn't choose the ones who were actually ready for a commitment and actively looking for one; I picked the guy who wasn’t ready or at his very best, was confused about exactly what it was he wanted! The guy who I would have to make WANT to commit to me.

And then I put it all on myself to somehow defy his entire history to be the first woman in the world to finally make that happen. Sound familiar?Continue Reading

THIS Is How You'll Know if He Can Commit

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can or can t toggle switch
Is he even able to make a commitment?

It's a question almost all of us have faced at one time or another.

Can he commit, or am I wasting my time?

It's a question that's so very important, because being able to recognize this one – whether he's even capable of being able to make a real, long term commitment to a real relationship – is the difference between you feeling empowered and you feeling absolutely heartbroken.

See, we’ve been told from almost the time we first came into this world that we could make someone love us if we just did everything they wanted us to.

While this may have first applied to our relationship with our parents or some other close care giver when we were very young, this programming continues throughout all of our relationships in our lives. Continue Reading

I’m stuck. And Sad. I Need to Get Out.

12 Comments

Beautiful woman sad sitting on the window sill and painting on glass feeling heartbroken because it's hard to move on.
I know I need to let go, but it's hard to move on.

We’ve got a beautiful sister who’s feeling stuck and sad, saying she needs to get out. She knows what she needs to do, but she needs our help and support to show her the way. She signed her letter "Anonymous", so I've called her "Ashley."

Here’s her letter:

Hi Jane.

I’ve been reading a lot of your posts / comments and I realized they sometimes give me lightbulb moments enough to nudge me forward. But they also make me cringe when I realize that some of them feel like it’s me the article is about.

I’m stuck. And I really need help.

I knew this guy from a dating app. It was instant attraction and chemistry. He was super keen and all that, so much so I started to believe he could be the one after all.Continue Reading

What Makes a Man Commit?

3 Comments

man and woman holding hands symbolizing commitment
This is the most important piece.

What makes a man commit?

You’ve heard so many reasons.

Because he can’t resist you. Because you’re irresitable. Because you’re perfect.

But you know something? The most important piece of this has nothing to do with any of that, and everything to do with something YOU have control over. Here’s why.

Who you choose is so important here because if he’s compatible with someone else and not you, trying to become that other woman will only make you miserable in the end.

Because you aren’t her, and you don’t want to change to become her.Continue Reading

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