Finding your YOU that leads to TWO
I met her on our first coaching session. She desperately wanted to know what she needed to do to keep things moving forward with her guy. She had already decided he was the one for her.
Everything lined up.
He was tall, attractive, smart, funny and successful. He was the perfect complement to her own successful career. He completed the picture for her.
She came to me wanting to make sure she didn’t mess up. This was her guy and she was ready for him to commit to her.Continue Reading
I've written a lot about fathers. Especially about how it's our primary father-daughter relationship (or lack of one) that sets the stage for who we're attracted to when we're older.
Our entire understanding of the emotionally-available man is built around the type of relationship we had with our dads.
And so today, as I called my own dad to wish him a Happy Father's Day, I was reminded of what I've come to know for sure over the almost 2 decades since I've been with my husband now, a man who couldn't be more unlike my dad.
I know my dad did the best he could with who he was and what he was taught when I was the little girl I used to be.
See, there's a process we go through when we first realize the cause of so much of our pain is because we're chasing after a mirror version of what we were missing in our relationships with our dads.
If your dad wasn't someone who sought you out, who pursued you, who came to you instead of you always having to come to him if you wanted a relationship with him, you won't think twice about chasing after men now.
With every new relationship, we learn. Every time our hearts break, we learn.
I’ll never do that again, we say. I’ll make sure to do this instead. Sound familiar?
I used to think there was something wrong with me because I couldn’t NOT jump in with both feet whenever that intense chemistry kicked in. I used to wonder why I couldn’t be like other women who managed to keep their objectivity and take their time getting to know a new guy without putting all their eggs in one basket.
Because unlike them, I spent way, way too much of my time and energy waiting for him to call, to make plans with me for the weekend. It was such an anxiety-provoking way to live waiting on him like this, and yet doing anything else - making plans with someone else -seemed like I would be showing him I wasn’t all that interested and he would lose interest in me.
Turns out, the opposite is true. This is now one of the things I would do so differently.Continue Reading
Our beautiful friend, Cyndi, has been dating a guy who seems to be a bit "hot and cold". Right when she feels like there's a connection, he suddenly disappears on her for days at a time.
Hi Jane,
I am a 48 year old woman, and currently in the middle of a divorce, which luckily is very amicable.
I have been separated for almost four years. During the last four years I have dated and been in relationships with it seems like the same kind of man - either unavailable or still in love with their ex's - so as you can see they haven't been successful.
Even though I learned a new lesson with each man, I am still confused as to how I should be acting especially in the early stages.
Which leads me to my question.
I have been emailing, texting and talking with a man I met on an online site. At first I would hear from him daily, then he would disappear for a few days, then come back, with an explanation of being really busy, and then disappear again.Continue Reading
Our beautiful friend, Fome, is afraid she’s chased away her guy by becoming clingy, needy and acting desperate. Has she?
Dear Jane,
I just recently found your blog and it feels like every single topic you have addressed, you are speaking directly to me.
I recently got introduced to this guy through a mutual friend, around September this year. He stays abroad so we haven't met physically. We Skype everyday.
We hit it off immediately.
We both knew we wanted something serious. After about a month of talking everyday. We were already making plans to see. We talk freely about the future, settling and all.
I really like him.
When we first started. The calls were a lot frequent. We could Skype for 10hrs at a stretch on a work free day. It was beautiful.
Then later the calls began to reduce.Continue Reading
Why do we do the chasing at all? Why are we still chasing him? Why can't we seem to stop, no matter how much we know we should?
Because we're scared.
If we don't chase him, we're scared he won't chase us. And then at least this way, we can feel in control, like we're actually doing something.
But there's a problem with this kind of thinking. Because when we do this, we don't allow him to do what he's biologically programmed to do (what he actually wants to do) – chase you!
We miss this part because of our own fear. We don't give him a chance to chase us because we're not sure he will.Continue Reading
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