I met her on our first coaching session. She desperately wanted to know what she needed to do to keep things moving forward with her guy. She had already decided he was the one for her.
Everything lined up.
He was tall, attractive, smart, funny and successful. He was the perfect complement to her own successful career. He completed the picture for her.
She came to me wanting to make sure she didn’t mess up. This was her guy and she was ready for him to commit to her.
The problem was easy to spot from the very beginning. She had checked her boxes and decided this was her guy before she knew him well enough to know if she was actually compatible with him.
You can’t determine someone is your guy and press forward, ignoring all the red flags and minimizing any real problems simply because he checked those boxes before you actually get to know the real him!
Because it changes you.
It causes you to stop looking at who he is and how he treats you and turns the focus to you doing whatever you can to convince him to stay with you, to keep wanting you, to fall deeply, madly in love with you.
Even if he’s not right for you!
Even if you’re getting new information from him that shows he’s not compatible with you.
What do we do?
We ignore it and we keep going forward with him, not wanting to acknowledge the actual reality of what we’re seeing from him but focusing instead on the idea of him. We can’t admit to ourselves that it’s only the idea of him that’s compatible with us, not the real him he’s revealing himself to be.
My client found herself in a quandary.
All she wanted was to know what to do to make him commit to her, to keep choosing her, to keep moving the relationship forward, but all she was doing was pushing him away by her insecure behavior that caused her to chase him, to pursue him, to try desperately to keep him happy with her, all the while wondering why he wasn’t doing all this with her!
We talked about giving him space: she would try, but then she would get too scared that he would never come back so she’d reach out again to him.
Sometimes he would respond, other times he wouldn’t. She never knew where she stood with him.
My entire time with her was spent showing her the real him – taking the behaviors she would tell me about and putting them into a perspective in the hopes that she would finally recognize that the man she had fallen in love with and was insisting was the perfect guy for her, was only a figment of her imagination and not who he was actually showing her in reality he was.
No, he wasn’t that guy.
He had checked some important boxes to her in the beginning that led her to believe everything else was going to fall into place and confirm for her he was the one for her, but what she was doing was discarding any information that didn’t confirm what she had determined were her beliefs about him.
She couldn’t see this, she was in so deep.
Years of being conditioned to look at certain characteristics of someone and disregard all the rest precipitated this move to not being able to see the bigger picture, those things that didn’t confirm what she wanted so badly to believe.
She felt like she was out of time. She didn’t want to start with anyone new. She was going to make him commit to her.
She was beautiful, successful, intelligent, kind, loving, caring. She had determined she was the perfect woman for him and she just needed to show him this more convincingly to complete his commitment to her.
The problem was the more she got to know him, the more he was showing her he wasn’t the one for her. He wasn’t on the same page as her, he wasn’t compatible with her in all the ways that matter.
But she had lost her objectivity to be able to see this because she’d rushed ahead so all she was doing now was looking for ways to confirm his status as the “one” for her without looking at the reality he was showing her instead.
The few little things he did that were good boyfriend behavior kept her justifying her choice in spite of the overwhelming other behaviors that were anything but good boyfriend behaviors.
Even on their ski getaway to the mountains, her hopes for what was going to be a romantic getaway that would cement their relationship turned into him being annoyed with her when their expectations conflicted with reality.
They were completely incompatible in so many ways and yet I was the only one with enough objectivity to see this. To her, they were perfect for each other; she just had to stop backtracking into who she was becoming again.
My goal became to help her separate reality from the fantasy she had created in her own mind of what he was going to become again, if she could only figure out how to be as good as she had been in the beginning to make him change back to how she remembered him.
The work became all hers.
She had to stop caring so deeply about him. She had to learn to detach from him. She had to try to let him come to her instead of letting her anxieties get the better of her so that what he was doing and what he was thinking, wasn’t always on her mind.
Until on one of our calls, when he had done something that finally led her to see him for who he really was and had been all along except for the man she had fallen in love with in the very beginning who had checked all those boxes for her simply because he was on his best behavior before winning her over, she realized something.
She was the only one doing all this work.
She wasn’t happy. She wasn’t content. She wasn’t having any part of fun. And worse, she was lonelier in this relationship with him than she had ever been on her own.
This wasn’t the way she imagined a relationship ever being. She wanted to be pursued to be loved. And even when she created some distance and gave him some space, nothing changed. He was still only as available to her as he was willing to be, and his friends, his work, the whole rest of his life always came first.
Ironically, he was happy. He was content. He was having fun.
She had a conversation with him that night. For the first time since they’d been together, she told him what she could finally admit out loud. They were on two different pages.
She wasn’t who he wanted and once she finally removed the blinders of loneliness and fear, she realized he wasn’t anything more than the promises and expectations the real him had never been able to live up to.
She ended it that night.
Not because she wanted to, but like so many of us, because she had to.
Did it make it hurt any less? No, it still broke her heart.
Did she go back and forth a few times more with him, hoping they could try again and finding out nothing had changed? Yes, because we’ll always try again if we have the chance to prove ourselves wrong!
But the good news is, that's not where her story ends.
I’m happy to say today she’s with someone who makes her happy, who’s grounded in reality, who she never has to wonder where she stands with him or how to get him to go back to who he used to be back in the beginning.
They’re compatible. They’re on the same page. They’re committed to each other.
She would never have met him if she was one of the other women whose emails show up in my inbox with the stories of how many years they’ve lived their lives waiting for someone to change back, working on themselves always and spending so much time and energy thinking about what he’s thinking, what he’s doing, instead of living a full life for themselves.
You can have both, Beautiful. A friend and a lover. The in-between guy you’ve been searching your whole life for.
But you can't have that with the wrong guy. Not with someone you aren’t truly compatible with. Not with the guy you have to pretend with, and never with the guy who checked all the right boxes in the beginning that has you working backwards to prove yourself right!
The first question you have to ask yourself about your guy who won’t commit:
Are you absolutely sure he's the one you want to commit to you?
Love,
Jane
Do you have one of these men in your life, Beautiful? I’m seeing you today and I’m feeling what you’re going through loud and clear. Share your own story in the comments below. You’re not alone!
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Divorced after a 26 year marriage, I became involved with a man. The first two years were heaven, until he moved back to his resort town, two hours away, for his "job". His overbearing mother was his cheerleader for this move and it just got worse.
Over the next two years, I went through a divorce and bankruptcy and subsequently breast cancer. He was not present for the surgery or the radiation treatment, breaking up with me the day before treatment.
He always came back ... telling me he loved me. He would make promises of a future. We would have an incredible time together, lavish dinners and breathtaking hikes. I would always be the one traveling to him and occasionally he would visit me. We talked of living together, and he alluded to marriage. The more time we spent the more I fell in love with him. I would embellish the great times and try desperately to forget the bad. AND I spent plenty of nights crying alone.
During these years he also became the on and off again boyfriend. Breaking up with me when I wouldn't agree for him to "take break" or to be "just his friend", or he went to Vegas with his mom or when he needed his "bed alone". He was 55 and his young gal pals were 25-32 years old, and exes, lots of them, all over social media. There was no trace of me on social media after 8 years. He would find excuses not to make time for me, always promising nothing was going on.
The on and off again broke my soul, so I started working on myself, and reading your column to learn. I started expanding my support systems. During one of our several month break ups I started dating and realized the world was full of wonderful people.
Then one day I gave him the life ultimatum without fear. I told him what I needed, then stepped back and waited for the reaction I knew was inevitable. The final breakup. I was packing my car to journey to his house, he couldn't answer the phone, but could only text ... then he called and he said f*** you b**** (terms he used frequently along with other colorful words). I didn't "visit" that weekend. I didn't hear from him for a whole weekend. It has now turned into almost a year. It hurt like hell, he finally crossed the line. Suddenly I didn't want that commitment from him anymore, because I knew that life with him would not be that happy life I was looking for.
I had already done a great deal of healing during the off times, taking stock of what I had contributed to this toxic relationship and took some time to come to terms with reality. This wasn't the future I was looking for. I was living single with weekend fun dates and no end in site, punctuated with heart break. I needed to get healthy.
After a period of time, I started dating one of the gentlemen I had known for several years. Our timing was perfect. We started seeing each other and have the healthiest relationship built on respect and kindness. We are madly in love with one another. I always know where I stand. AND we are on the same page. We are planning on getting married and sharing life together.
I am 60 years old. It can happen. Your writings are full of wisdom and the way healthy relationships should be.
Thank you for sharing.
This man won’t commit with me because he is married . I talk to him that I love him and I said you can’t have me . He became sensitive he doesn’t
Like me to become emotional. He dying good thing s about his sons and his wife. The reason why he likes me
Because his wife is not attractive to
Him anymore and has mental problems issues. Please help me what to do ?
I reunited with a guy from school after my very bad divorce. Things went good and moved in together. I was renting at the time and so we shopped for a house. I bought one that him and I picked out. Yard and buildings for him and cute little house for me. It lasted 3.5 years and then one day he just stopped talking. Period. Nothing. I asked for us to go counseling or talk or something. Nothing. After three months of barely speaking I told him to leave. He did. Came back three days a week then none. He took all his stuff and not one word on what happened except it was him not me. That ended in 2018. 2019 spring he contacted me and we reconnected one night and next day blocked me. 2020 rolls around and he contacts me again. Comes one evening we talked for hours and then a few weeks later he came again. Then I text a couple days later and blocked again. All I want to know is why? Why block me? Why does he want to punish me. What did I do to him to make him treat me like this. How can someone just block you and forget you exist with no remorse? I don’t get it.
Because it's not about you, Shannon, it was never about you. It was always about him. He has to block after he opens the door again. Far too scary otherwise for him! And precisely why he can't be your guy unless this is somehow enough for you. He can't do it because you're too close to real!
I do have a story like that. I have been with a guy for over 2 and 1/2 years and I spend as much time with him as he allows. I think about him constantly, I text him all day and see him on the weekends at his place Friday through Sunday . We have a great time together and his family says they have never seen him happier. However, he will not commit, he says we are not dating. Everyone thinks we are, we go on vacations together and his family includes me in all their events. And of course, I think eventually he will see that I am the best thing for him. I won't walk away or give him space because I too am afraid of losing him. I am praying that he sees the light and comes around.
He won't see the light, Tracey. Don't waste your beautiful heart and self on this person. I've been where you are. It's heartbreaking. I hope you gain clarity soon so you can go away from this to walk into the life of someone who will not hesitate for a minute to commit to you.
❤
I believe in prayer and intention and a little bit of magic and all kinds of beautiful happenings behind the scenes, but tragically, Tracey, you can't pray enough to bring these guys around. I've got a lifetime of experience with these men. The prayed over kind are the last to see the light because you're that light for them!
You spend as much time with him as he allows? That says it all Tracey- what about the time that you allow or want? My suggestion, don't try to talk yourself into something that isn't there. I've been there and it really hurts!
I believe I found the guy for me. We been together for almost 9 months. We text daily in less he out of town see his kids. We see each other at last 3 times a week. But I see red flags. He drop off communication every few months each time is longer he reason changes busy with work broke phone this time was forgot phone in friends truck 3 days no word then he came by that was 4 days ago and no word still. He has rule I can't drop by his place with out tell him. But he keeps drop by mine w no word. He was married for 20 years it's been over for 8 years. We been in the no go out just hang at each others house for few months he to tired from long hours at work. Here the big red flag he won't sleep over or let me sleep over. He says one day. That he still get the date thing down . he not made time to meet my friends or let me meet anyone he knows he meet my mom and my kids that's it. Is he play me or just what I care about him just tired of the game. When I ask about go out he said bad timing with all the hours at work. He hurt his back when he off he train to pass PT or on heating paid with his back. Ok any feed back would help
All red flags from where I stand, too, Hi. He's got too many skeletons in his closet, and you're on the begging end. Is this how you ever imagined a relationship would be?
After reading the story I related so much I'm for ever picking a guy that ticks all the boxes who I'm attracted to, finding out that there only in it for a bit of fun, after the last one who left after saying I'm actually bored of you now, which I can say still hurts like hell. I've decided to take a step back and work on me I think it's true when they say people can only love you when you love yourself and after so long pursuing unavailable men and ignoring the red flags, I'd lost sight of me asking my self what's wrong with me, and my self worth had hit absolute rock bottom. Now I'm having space for me building my life for me, getting my confidence back bit by bit, knowing I'm worth it and someone would be lucky to have me, but I can tell you it's a hard slog some days. But I don't ever want to feel like that again walking on egg shells just in case they leave doing all the chasing when I look back it's embarrassing, with most they couldn't even be bothered to take me out to woe me it was Netflix and chill need I say more. But we live and learn
It Is a hard slog some days, Michelle, but I've heard that bored projection spoken enough times from too many of the beautiful women I have the pleasure of working with to tell you that that comment alone is reason enough to set yourself free. Next!
Once again, Jane, you hit the ball out of the park. You have helped me so much - you have no idea.
Thank you!❤️
Oh Lizzie, I'm so glad!❤
Been there, done that. Not doing that now. I'm dating A LOT. And yes, it's fun, but at the same time it's like I have my guard up. Watching for the red flags, ways we're not compatible. I have dates that are 'pleasant', but I feel absolutely nothing. Somehow there must be a third way?
That's it, Anne. The third way. Only when we're so done with the other two extremes we happen upon it ourselves!
I had met someone one three years ago on a website. He matched all of my requirements. He was fun, had a great sense of humor, and enjoyed life. After our first meeting he texted me to join him and his family for Fourth of July. I met the whole family, it was nice but also overwhelming. Something seemed off I never met his friends, I don't think they knew about us. He had property in Georgia and when he wasn't helping his mom he would go back. I got bored and looked at some of the messages I had been receiving. Saw his profile he was reaching out to women in Georgia.
I knew about this but kept going back I was afraid of losing him. Long story short I left him. Every thing he told me about committing to me was a lie. After we broke up I was checking my phone and discovered he was moving on. It hurt so much I was a basket case. What got me through this was to get involved in singles group, meet new people.
I had met someone through a friend . We are now living together. We have our problems but they work out. Things will get better. Get to know yourself and what you really want. Someone had told me there is someone out there and he's looking for you. In the meantime enjoy life
So happy for you, Maria! ❤
As I read each of your articles and listen to your videos I feel like you know me personally. Relief is the feeling I have afterwards. Knowing that it’s not so complicated and really quite simple. I wish I had known this years ago. I want my children to know this information and hopefully set them on a better path to meeting the right person for them with less heartache.
The reality of seeing the men I date for who they are by observing their behavior instead of listening to their words and seeing their “potential “ is so much more productive and efficient. I’m now able to navigate through the meeting and get to know them phase more quickly, weeding out players without getting my heart wrapped up with them. I think I’m actually starting to enjoy the dating process, realizing I don’t have to settle and that there are good men out there. Thank you Jane. I look forward to reading and listening more of your articles and videos. 💕
Isn't it?! Oh, Teri, I felt the same way! ❤
I was in one of those on/off relationships for over 2 years. We were compatible in many ways but he was very avoidant and it barely moved forward.
The thing that really make me see what he was, rather than what I wanted to see, was something he did that was so deeply disrespectful to me.
He had asked me to give him.a good reference for a flat he was about to.rent. I happened to know the landlord, so was happy to oblige.
He was coming up to his 70th birthday (I'm a 68 year old widow) but he said because of covid he wasn't celebrating. I was away over his birthday but had bought him a present he had asked for to give after I hot back.
In the meantime, his friend had tagged him in a post on FB showing a group of socially distanced people in a field celebrating his birthday with some entertainment. I was speechless! He obviously wasn't aware his friend had tagged him which showed up on his feed.
When I asked why i hadn't been invited,he volunteered that his ex girlfriend was there and it would have been embarrassing for me! I was blindsided and disgusted at this total.disregard of my feelings and walked away without a word.
Sometimes it takes a really rude and dismissive action by someone to see how little they care for us. Just walk away, never look back and practice self love
Ah, Mr. Avoidant, our most popular type we attract. We go all in, he avoids it all. You can never make yourself compatible enough with him!
Wow. This sounds like my story. The only thing is that the new guy makes it so easy. He chases, he commits, he is perfectly imperfect and show up exactly how he is.... but it’s strange and unfamiliar. I was told that I am so used to the anxiety and having to chase that I feel like there is something missing in this perfect relationship. And yes- it’s the toxicity that I have come to associate with love. I am being patient as is my new partner, while I learn how to have a better relationship, and that it doesn’t have to be complicated and at 52 there are still some wonderful men out there waiting for the wonderful women
Ironic that what we actually want is so strange and unfamiliar, Vicki, but that's exactly what every woman who gets here after being there says. You're not alone!