Gorgeous Wanda had a great relationship with amazing chemistry and a strong emotional connection, but now he's saying he can't commit and doesn't want a relationship. She's trying to understand what happened.
Here's what she wrote:
Hi Jane,
Thank you for providing all your great content - your articles have been so helpful. I think my story is similar to many that you have shared, but I'm hoping you can be helpful with this situation.
Here's my story: I was dating a man, and the first 2 months were perfect... honestly maybe too perfect.
He was consistently making an effort and told me how much he liked me. We had instant chemistry and a really strong emotional connection. I truly think we both thought we were a good match in terms of personality, values, chemistry, etc.
At ~2 months in, he was honest about his concerns that he wouldn't be able to commit/offer enough to a relationship at that time. Long story short, we decided to keep dating anyway, both with the hope that things would get better.
I met his family, and we had a lot of wonderful times for another 2 months - except he was also clearly more distant when we weren't in person together. Then, after those 2 months, I finally fully realized that he was emotionally unavailable/not able to have the type of relationship I was hoping for, and I ended it.
When we ended it, we had a really honest heartbreaking conversation. He's in grad school and had so much to do to finish his program and apply for jobs and he felt like he couldn't be a good boyfriend. He was also honest about how bad he felt about himself, basically because he didn't feel like a provider.
Where he was at didn't bother me, which I told him, but the situation seemed to reflect how he felt about himself. Maybe he also felt bad in comparison to me, as I have a stable job?
I'm trying so hard to be strong and move on, but it feels so sad and hard.
I'm really trying to understand where he's coming from... it seems crazy to think he'd be willing to walk away from our very strong connection. I can't help but wonder if he'll change and come back but know I should move forward.
Any thoughts you have about this would be so appreciated -- both in helping me understand his view and helping me grow and move forward.
Sincerely,
-Wanda
My Response:
It feels so sad and hard because it is sad, Wanda.
It seems crazy that he can just walk away from the kind of connection you have because it is crazy!
You wouldn't. So how can he?
Yes, so sad, so hard, and so completely unnecessary! Who lets someone go when they feel this way? Who gives up and doesn't keep pushing through when everything else is so good?
You don't. None of us do.
There's only one person who does. Him.
He does this because something doesn't feel right.
He does this because it feels better than not doing it.
He does this because all the pieces he thinks have to fit don't fit as perfectly as he was told they should.
So if he doesn't have the ability to fully support you yet - if he doesn't have the capacity to fully commit to you yet - he can't live with the pressure of knowing that he's leading you along into this unknown future of his. That's why he'd rather let you go than risk feeling all this.
Who doesn't do this?
You don't.
You stay in it for as long as you can until you realize you're the only one fighting for something that only one of you seems to want anymore.
You stay in it even longer than you know you should.
You stay in it for as long as you can because of love and connection and all that, and because this is what we do.
You stay in it because the thought of not staying in it feels even worse than all the distancing he's doing from you.
And that alone says everything, Wanda. He does this. You don't. How can that be compatible in the long run? It can't! See, there's so many other areas this behavior is going to bump up against. You're only in the honeymoon period of the first few months!
Start by not trying to be so strong, Wanda. Start by not forcing yourself to move on so fast just yet. The measure of how long it takes to move on from someone isn't found in how long you were with someone but by how strong a connection you felt.
Take your time. Don't rush your getting over someone who meant so much to you. Everyone else will have a timeframe for you. That's theirs, not yours. Make sure you're on your own. I never got over anyone like this easily!
I'm sure there was a lot more you haven't mentioned here that led to your decision to let him go. It wasn't an easy one. You don't have to pretend it was.
We all want to believe he'll change and come back.
We all want to believe in what a connection like this can do. It's what we live for. But it doesn't happen like that with 99 percent of these men, and that other one percent? They only surprise us when we've already moved on to someone worth far more than he ever could have been.
This is about you, Wanda. You're fighting with yourself.
Did you do the right thing? You know you did. You know it wasn't a decision you made lightly. You only did it because you had to.
Chin up. Eyes forward. Looking ahead, not back.
If he gets there, you're going to be the first to know, and if he doesn't, you'll have a created a real life for yourself based on more than a fantasy with him could ever have given you instead.
One foot in front of the other. One step at a time.
Remind yourself of all the real times, not just the good times we can't seem to forget. All the distancing. How that felt to you. How out of control it all felt. How much he held the power. How powerless to change anything you felt.
The right ones don't leave you with no dignified choice except to walk away. It's only the wrong ones that do.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What about you, Beautiful? Tell Wanda what you think she needs to hear in the comments below.
Wanda’s story sounds like mine except I was in it for nine years. When you know there’s a special something in that relationship and that it’s like no other we tend to want to hold on to the idea of the fantasy. It may have felt real at one time but too many things happened in between fantasy and reality. We as women tend to live on fantasy. How beautiful it was in the beginning but it’s not the reality now. I don’t know if I’ll ever find someone that I will feel at ease with. One that I won’t need to keep fantasizing about. I want real, genuine love. Don’t know if there are any men out there that can give that through and through. Wanda, you’re not alone!!
Marisa, your post spoke to my heart! I have been in a similar situation post-breakup (more than once actually). What helped me move on was that with every good or ideal memory or “yearning for him feeling” I had, I also made myself think of something ugh or upsetting or even just an annoying trait.
Too often 50-60-70-80-90% of a relationship after the initial 4 months or year is negative but we women are fighters and believe so much in others that we stay because of the potential, like you said, and for those 50-40-30-20-10% of good times.
But relationships should be 80% good. I don’t know I used to try to rationalize to myself to stay for less, but I did.
Once over, I would still hold on , BUT once I started to remind myself of the huge large % of not great parts, that hold started to loosen.
Also, I realized I felt so comfortable merely because of the time spent with the person and form going through various life events with that person, all stuff that can occur with someone else.
I also am embarrassed to say I realized I felt somewhat more comfortable with that person because of how bad the relationship was at times. I felt less pressure somehow and also in a strange way more secure in with a relationship ( though they did NOT make me feel secure).
Once I let go and moved on, I can safely say I am so SO relieved none of those past relationships worked out.
Instead, I now think/feel “what a huge bullet I escaped without realizing it and even while fighting and crying against it. Thank God, literally!! “
Coincidentally (??), as I was able to shrug off the hold of past boyfriends and dreams more and more, I met better quality men, including the man who later became my husband.
Hang in there, and try make letting go an active goal. You sound like you have such a wonderful heart and loyalty; you will meet someone just like that!!
Thank you for your kind and inspiring words. I know I deserve to be loved and I’m learning to love myself first. I have to take care of my heart and prepare it for someone who will be deserving of it. ♥️
Wanda, you did the right thing. Your letter mirrors exactly what happened between my son and his girlfriend, grad school and all. He loved, and I believe loves, her dearly, as does our family, but he wasn't ready. His loss and your boyfriend's loss. You will move on to the one who deserves you and is ready for you now....my son's girlfriend did.
Hi Eve (and everyone) - thanks for your comments. Eve, It's really helpful to hear that this happened to your son and his ex-gf. Part of me wonders if this happens a lot with men figuring out grad school/career stuff. I know I need to keep moving forward, but it just makes me wonder if this is a timing thing that might be resolved when he's in a better place. I KNOW I can't wait for that but I do wonder!
Wanda you made the right choice. I’ve been in the exact same relationship for 5 years! He STILL can’t commit and won’t even admit I’m his girlfriend. He’s saving for retirement, working too much, long distance, etc there is always a good excuse in his mind. We have broken up 4 times and then he keeps coming back... but still no commitment. Once I allows my heart to open again, I found there were so many great guys who are ready for a real relationship. Think of it like shopping. It’s not scarcity. There is an abundance of shoes, but they aren’t all your style! Have to find the best fit 🙂
Wanda you did the right thing, that is so impressive!!! It is so strange how often 4 months is the time when a man’s real self starts to show through. But so many of us have seen it time and time again. And it is so sad how often many of us then continue to stay with him, letting the first initial months of potential blind us to reality. Huge kudos that you could see through this and end it. It stinks now, and it is so unfair. Like Jane said, give yourself time to heal, be as gentle with yourself as you would recovering from an illness. And just *know* that one day you will feel better. AND after that, you will actually start to feel hopeful and then excited because you are free to meet someone fantastic with a strong connection who also is as ready as you are!! Imagine what it will be like to meet the guy who actually is the same (or better) in month 12 or 24 or 48 or 60 as in month 1 and 2? Who continues on steadily and also contributes to the growth of the relationship? He IS out there. And you are on your way to him.
I've gone through something very similar but it was because he only needed me until I was of no use to him and ended it out of the blue
I have learned that when a man wants you, nothing will keep him from you.
When he says he can’t commit. Believe him.
It’s always hard when you lose someone you’ve connected with, but if it’s not reciprocated, you’re only hurting yourself by believing there is more there.
Go no contact and if he doesn’t come back, that’s a sure sign you’re meant for someone else.