I talk to so many women who all want to know what they should do about a particular man who's dragging his feet, who comes and goes but not on any schedule they can count on, who's all but living like a single guy while he's supposed to be in a relationship with them.
Every one of their friends tells them to dump him, but the truth is, until you're ready to dump him, you can't, you won't, and you're going to be miserable if you do.
You already know what you're going to do regardless of what I or anyone else say you should do. So I'm going to tell you to do something else.
Shift the focus from him to you.
Find out everything you can about why you are the way you are and how your personality combined with your environment to make you the way you are.
Find some people or animals or cause or something else outside yourself that desperately needs all that love you have for him, and pour your heart into that.
Find something you're even a little bit passionate about and go run with that until you're so busy and fulfilled making a difference somewhere in this world of ours that his inability to go deep enough just to figure out what he wants to do with you becomes absolutely ridiculous to you.
THEN figure out what to do with him.
No, I never did any of this. I waited around for him to call, to choose me. Or I did the opposite and played hard to get until I felt miserable, missing the entire point of forgetting about him for awhile and creating for myself a spectacular life.
I couldn't hide it; I was always too excited to hear from him.
But, Gorgeous, you've got me so you can do this. Or, I should say, we can do it together!
I'll walk through all my mistakes with you showing you what I learned the hard way, so you don't have to.
You hear enough from people who make you feel like there's something wrong with you. I'm here to remind you that one of these days you're going to find someone who's going to show you exactly why you had to take care of yourself for a change so you could give this other guy a chance to see you.
No, we don't stop caring because we should, or because we have to; we stop caring because we discover there's a whole world of other things out there to care about that give us back far more than he ever could.
That's how we do this, Beautiful. It's been in you all along!
Love,
Jane
Does any part of this resonate with what you're going through right now? Share your story in the comments below.
This really resonates with me. I left a 17 year abusive marriage four years ago. It was one of the hardest things I'd ever done. A few months later I met a man at a codependancy support group who was going through a difficult divorce. We started as friends and then over the next year fell in love. But even though he was living separately from his ex-- he never seemed to finish his divorce. At first I thought it was no big deal but as months turned to years and as he met all the people in my world and I met none of his--I started to feel like "the other woman" and like our relationship was going no where so I tried to leave him--but I kept getting pulled back in with promises and excuses and tears and loving words. Over and over for another 1.5 years he'd promise more and then disappear when something big was on the horizon. He never ended up getting a divorce or introducing me to a single person in his life. And eventually--everyone who had been charmed by him in my life (including the therapist who we saw for couples counseling--thankfully I'd never introduced him to my children) started to encourage me to find a way to block him out of my world entirely. As Jane says--easier said than done.
As rough as the past several years have been dealing with the ups and downs of my own noncommittal man situation I will always be grateful for the times when I chose to take care of myself and build my own life. I've finally broken out of the toxic cycle, guys! And I know it is because I have built a world for myself a little bit at a time whenever he would pull away from me or disappear. Because I was used to a married life since I was 19, being single felt weird or pretend. So, it used to feel like my "real life" would only start when my boyfriend became my fiance/husband. And every minute that went by felt like a placeholder for my true existence which was saddening and frustrating. I do want a partner and a relationship--I love being in partnership and I think I'm good at relationship BUT I'm in a place where, even if I end up single for the rest of my life--I will still be able to find fulfillment and happiness. I never thought I'd find this place. But I found it by inches. Turns out, even if you go down a road one single step at a time, you can still make it to your destination. ❤️❤️❤️
I am getting a proposal from America and not sure if we can live in each other’s countries ? I live in Australia and just WONDER how they can be so sure you are the one with just pictures and words ???
I’m texting with a guy that met me on a dating site. I’m 61 & he’s 65. We’ve been talking with each other a little over two weeks. We haven’t met or went on a date. He has FaceTimed me so I know he is real. Here’s the problem . He asked me was I dating or seeing anyone? And I replied I’m talking to a few other guys but no one I’d like to meet. He’s reply was me neither. Then today I opened up another dating site and there he was. I’m way to old to be playing games ! I just thought we were really liking one another. Because he said now that you’ve found me you have no need to talk to the other men. And he’s now talking to someone else !!! I’m old school and I only want to be talking to one guy.................not asking for a commitment, just someone to get to know me & date........ then possibly a relationship. And if you don’t that after a couple of weeks talking . Then he’s wasting my time !! Help ?
Hi Kathy,
I get where you are- I've been in the same place and am just a few years younger than you. I was on a couple of dating websites and found it really difficult. I spoke to a few men but also didn't meet them and found them to be dishonest, playing games and frankly wondering what they were really there for.
I also found most of them on other sites, as I was. Disheartening for me that the same lines still are used from younger days even now. The one thing I found was like you- I'm not willing to waste time with men who are not upfront and playing double standard games or saying what they think I want to hear. After two weeks I don't think anyone should be telling you not to speak to or see someone else, especially if you never met. Take your time and follow your instinct. You can tell a lot by texting- I think. The dating websites are not for everyone, especially me. I find them to be a facade, and I didn't meet anyone who was not on more than one site.
I suppose that many people do find what they're looking for but be guided by your instinct and what feels right. If he's the right one, he'll make sure you know it by how he treats you. Good luck!
Rt now its a cat & mouse game for him, i about went to jail after the holidays because i cared. To find out he was impressing another with my heart in his head with negative thoughts of no care in the world. When i decided to question this he tried reverse psychology but only to find out he was caught in his owe lies. But i walked away only to dragger my own heart. What do i do?:from still in love.
I'm thinking there's probably some other things you could care much more about that wouldn't have you "just about going to jail" because of your ability to care, Betty. It's not your heart that's the problem; it's being programmed to believe cat and mouse is a game you were ever meant to play to be loved.
I do not believe in having sex because that is what everyone does so I am the girl he could not get.gloria
As long as it serves you, Gloria. Don't do anything because you should or shouldn't; do it because you're being true to you!
I really enjoy reading your articles Jane. This year the shift and focus will be on figuring out how to get out and network. What do people do when you live in a large city and your commute times add and extra 2 hours to your work day. How do you get out during the week when you would not be able to get out before 8pm but up by 6am the next day. Weekend rolls around and you have your errands to do, meals to prepare, etc.
Just pick one thing, Darlene. This isn't meant to overwhelm you more than what you're already feeling, so make it as small and inconsequential thing as you can handle right now. One thing. If that doesn't turn out to be what you thought it would, pick another. And no, there's no badge of honor in being able to do everything.
Described above is my story! I’m shocked. The guy doesn’t know what he wants, comes and goes, and makes me feel like there is something wrong with me, and I’m rushing into something. Keep waiting for his call or message, and he’s just playing. Not sure what to do.
Then don't just keep waiting, Maria. Find things to do so you're not so focused on whether someone chooses to call you or message you. You're worth so much more than giving away your power to someone who doesn't even know or care that you've given it to him.
Right on, Jane. I was unhappily married for 46 yrs, but had three great kids. Unfortunately for me, I had given him the "marriage ultimatum". After age 40, I was never depressed again, because after the kids got older I "got a life" extending my working hours, visiting with friends by myself etc. Now as a busy widow, I still let my wonderful, busy widower man of six years, kind of "chase me". He does most of the calling and setting up dates, and I do special things for him to. I can now see the difference in my men. When a man is really "into you", you will know it. He will find the time for YOU.
Exactly, Virginia. The irony is it's more about the shift in our mindset and realizing we were just that powerful all along than about anything we're actually doing. It's our energy, the vibe we put out, that tells the truth.
Excellent advice!!
So glad it resonated with you, Judy. Something tells me you've been here, too.