Is He Really a Bad Texter or Am I Just There to Fill in His Lonely Time?

Our letter this week comes from one of my readers who's not sure what to make of her new "boyfriend", or if he's even her boyfriend. Sound familiar? Read on to hear more of her story and my response ...

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

So I’ve met this guy via an online app around 1.5 months ago and we’ve been seeing each other ever since then (once or twice a week during the weekends).

We haven’t had the "define the relationship" talk yet but there was one time he called himself “boyfriend” (first few dates) but I only realized it a few days after as I wasn’t really concentrating at that moment.

One time, he also told me how lucky he is to have me as his girlfriend but I did not question him because it was already a late night and I was exhausted so I decided to let it go.

I have been thinking of bringing this relationship talk up but I’m worried he might feel pressured about it so I am just giving us a little bit more time. I am also questioning as to why he would just assume I became his girlfriend before asking me or having the talk.

When we’re together, he’s a really affectionate guy and always compliments me (beautiful, cute, caring). He calls me babe all the time too. We do lots of stuff together from watching movies, playing games, dinner dates, cooking together, and I even met his best friends when they came over to watch movies and play games.

He also brought me to his hometown and I met his parents for the very first time.

Thing is when we are not together during the weekdays, each of us sometimes would randomly text one another (not everyday) and he often take hours to reply. Now one of the problems is that he would see my message and then reply back a few hours later.

For example, there were a few times that he would see my message at 9/10ish pm and then reply back the next morning.

If I’m not mistaken, he told me before he’s not a texting person but I just couldn’t help wondering if it’s just because he is really a bad texter or am I just someone who is there to fill in his lonely time? Also, another reason I have doubt is because he's had casual relationships before and few one night stands and I don’t want to be just a "friends with benefits.".

Would love to hear your advice, Jane. Thank you!

-Kate

My Response:

Dear Kate,

You're in the very beginning stage where you're just getting to know him.

He's showing you what he likes, how he acts in a variety of situations and what he's looking for. He doesn't know he's supposed to have that kind of talk, and I would argue whether you ever need to with someone who's on the same page as you.

The words "boyfriend" and "girlfriend" only mean as much as there's actual actions and behaviors that support the idea that he's your boyfriend or you're his girlfriend, so I wouldn't read into that as much as you otherwise might. Your status is more about how committed he acts towards you than how well he uses the right words with you.

If he's not a texting person, fine, but is he a talking on the phone person? Is he a "not much contact during the week until the weekend" kind of person? And what if you are?

What you're looking for here is compatibility. That's the only thing that really matters.

Some men are texters. Most men aren't.

Some men love hearing from you and want to reply back as soon as they've seen your message - and that's exactly what they do. Others have other things going on in their lives or issues that you're not yet aware of, that has them choosing to wait until it's a better time to respond back to you.

Some men recognize you might like some reassurance of where you stand with them because they also understand that when they're in a new relationship, they'd appreciate that too. With men like these, you never have to have that kind of conversation with them.

They're showing you what page they're on and what they're looking for in a relationship by their actions. There's no guessing with them here.

I always have concerns when you're writing to me. Here's why.

It's the fact that you're concerned.

See, I'm not there with you. We're not actively talking about this guy in a coaching session where I'm having a chance to get all the specifics that make all the difference in the world when I'm telling you my objective opinion from too many long years of experience with these kinds of men.

So if you're writing to me telling me that you're not sure what's going on, that you don't want to just be someone's friends with benefits because he's been in those before and has a history of one-night stands, I know for sure there's something you're picking up on from him that's giving you these reasons for concern.

The worst thing we do to ourselves in these situations is not trust our instincts. You know which relationships are the healthy ones with the guys who you don't have to worry about FWB or one night stands or cheating or lying or commitment issues that are going to leave you heartbroken in the end? The ones where I don't hear from you. The ones I only hear about because they've asked you to marry them, or you send me a picture of your wedding day, or when you're moving in together because that's exactly what you wanted.

If you believe you're there mostly to fill his lonely time, you're probably right.

So my question for you becomes the only one that matters with all of this, and with any of the things you might mention beyond what you've told me here; does this work for you? If it does, then you've got your answer. You're with the right guy.

If it doesn't. Then you have to make a decision.

What do you do? Where do you go from here?

Don't pay so much attention to him. I can't say this enough.

I know it's so easy to get excited about the prospect of this being your guy, but when you go there early on in a relationship (and we've all been there!) before you've had a chance to properly get to know him the way you need to before you decide he's even worth all that attention, you set yourself up to put up with all kinds of behaviors you'd never put up with if you maintained your objectivity. He's going to show you soon enough whether you can trust him or not!

Observe but don't zero in on. Notice, but don't obsess. There's such an important difference between these.

Take it all as information so you can make a decision when at some point you have enough information to make one that you can live with. In the meantime, keep going about your life, keep your options open and don't worry so much about what he does or doesn't do.

Date other men! If he isn't initiating that talk with you or showing you with his own actions that you're the only girl for him, then he's not the only guy for you!

Healthy relationships are about two people with equal power. They're about a partnership of equality. Both of you need to know you have a say, that your thoughts and feelings matter, and that there is no inequity in power where you can't say or do something for fear of rocking the boat or making him uncomfortable because he doesn't want to hear something real from you.

No, you're not perfect. But he isn't either. And both of you bring your own picture of what a relationship is about and what it's "supposed" to look like in the details.

Don't worry so much about what he's supposed to be doing in the context of what you've seen relationships look like in general, but to look instead at what he's actually doing. Can you live with that in the long term, even if it never changes?

This is what navigating a relationship is all about. Not looking for what's considered "normal" and thus that makes it okay. But instead looking at who you are as a person and seeing if what someone has to offer you is actually compatible with you.

Do you see the difference there?

For years I chased after men who seemed to have everything they were "supposed" to have, but what I didn't realize until too late to save myself the heartbreak, was that what they were "supposed" to have wasn't necessarily a fit for my own "must haves." And once I realized I was trying to take some guy with all his "supposed to's" and change him into the rest of what I wanted him to be, I realized that couldn't be the same guy. It didn't fit.

The guy who craves the excitement and adrenaline rush of success and high-stakes pursuits might not be able to turn that off when it comes to settling down for a relationship that's dependable and reliable enough to make me feel secure.

If I know what I need, then I can be clear on what I need a compatible partner to be for me. I can live so much of my life in the clouds, I finally figured out I needed someone who had his own two feet secure enough on the ground to ground me along with him, while at the same time having a sensitive enough heart to meet me in adding concrete plans to my dreams.

Most importantly, this requires someone real, not just someone who loves the idea of love and relationships and the feeling they give him, but can handle the reality of what it means to actually participate in a relationship enough to make it a strong one.

It's not that difficult to have that when you're on the same page, but when you're not, the wake-up call can be a painful one. Having your own barometer of what works for you versus the cultural "norm" of what "should" work for you makes all the difference here!

I know I've given you more than you asked for, but I hope it helps to see the bigger picture going forward. It's not just about this guy right now, it's about who you're attracting and who you're attracted to ... and why.

You're going to have your answers soon enough just by walking through the time and space necessary to have them. What you do in the meantime, and what you do with the rest of the information that comes up for you, depends on how well you know yourself.

I hope this helps.

Love,

Jane

Your turn. Ever been here before? Even if you haven't, I have a feeling you have some additional words of advice or support for Kate. Tell her what she needs to hear in the comments below!