I don’t want to just give you more of what hasn’t and still isn’t working for you.
I want this to be what finally breaks through to you in a way that I once needed something to break through for me.
Because even though I got out of it (like you will), it wasn't the way I wanted it to go at all. I would go on to repeat the same pattern over and over again for years.
Why?
Because just like you, I was looking for someone to commit to me, but I was going about it all the wrong way.
Listening subconsciously to all those cultural messages that I couldn’t have seen at the time because I was too immersed in it, I didn't choose the ones who were actually ready for a commitment and actively looking for one; I picked the guy who wasn’t ready or at his very best, was confused about exactly what it was he wanted! The guy who I would have to make WANT to commit to me.
And then I put it all on myself to somehow defy his entire history to be the first woman in the world to finally make that happen. Sound familiar?
Yes, it was going to be an incredible feat, but oh how determined I was to pull it off.
I did this again and again.
I let go of the ones who were actually ready, barely giving them the time of day, and instead would always find the ones who couldn’t or wouldn’t or just simply weren’t capable of the commitment I so desperately wanted.
But again, I didn’t realize any of these dynamics were playing out at the time. It's hard to see it when you're in it.
See, I’ve struggled with this because I am just like you.
I believe in dreams coming true. I will forever be the eternal optimist.
I will ALWAYS believe in love.
I watch all those same shows and cry. I cheer on the guy who won’t commit when he makes such great strides and chooses love with that amazing incredible woman who reminds us of you and me, who’s just like us in the end.
I’M HER!
And yet I can’t be, because I know better. I can’t be that for you and do you a disservice. I have to be there for you instead.
Dispelling these myths. Giving it to you straight. Saving you from so much heartbreak trying to make someone want to commit to you when you can’t change anyone.
You can only change yourself. This concept took me years to truly understand and even more years to get it right, but it doesn't have to be that way for you!
It’s our own belief systems that keep us here.
It’s our own subconscious programming that has us believing so fervently that we have to prove our worth by getting someone who won't commit to commit. But the two have nothing – absolutely nothing – to do with the other. You don’t prove your worth by getting someone who isn’t capable of a commitment to somehow commit to you.
That’s the definition of insanity; doing the same thing over and over again getting the same response but believing it’s going to somehow magically be different next time.
That’s not real!
Yes, love conquers all. But only if both people want it to!
Yes, someone who loves you will want to commit to you. But only if he’s capable of a commitment!
Yes, love leads to marriage. But only if both people WANT marriage!
Yes, if it’s real love you’ll know each other’s thoughts and feelings. But only if you’re a mind reader!
Yes, love is forever. But only if both people are also committed to staying in love forever and are willing to do whatever it takes (including therapy and being open enough to see their role in the dynamic) to make that happen!
Yes, marrying the “one” means he’ll be able to meet all your needs. But only if he’s perfect (i.e. not a real human being)!
Yes, being married gives you an identity. But you have to have your own identity to contribute or it won’t be sustainable because too much pressure will be on the other person to maintain YOUR identity as well as his own.
Yes, great relationships/perfect marriages come naturally. But only if you’re both perfect (i.e. not human.)
I talk a lot about the human part intentionally. You’ll see it come up as a thread through most of what I talk about here.
Why?
Because we’ve been so programmed to look for the “perfect” person and to be so perfect ourselves.
Most of us have been brought up to be nothing less than perfect, based on our culture's definition of perfect.
For us as women, that means we’re beautiful in appearance, we’re attractive in terms of our bodies, we smile when we’re supposed to, we laugh when we’re supposed to, we’re gracious, we say all the right things and we always make our men look good.
We've learned this (albeit unconsciously) so well, that we believe we really are perfect just because we’ll look so perfect on his arm and we know how to play our part so well.
But that’s precisely the problem.
We go into these relationships believing that he must see us the same way as the culture rewards us for our good/perfect female behavior. And that he’ll do what we've been told he'll do.
We make him look good, so he’ll want us. We do everything he wants us to, so he’ll want us. We play the role we’ve been told is our only role to play, so he too will reward us with what we want – love and a COMMITMENT!
But what happens when that’s not what happens?
What happens when he shows his own true colors and can’t follow up the way he was supposed to – and can’t or won’t or isn’t capable of giving us that commitment we were counting on?
What then?
We feel heartbroken, angry, disillusioned, let down because we did what we were supposed to do but he didn’t.
It’s no wonder we feel justified in our anger towards him.
But really, it’s not as much about him as it is about the culture that let us down, the people that told us one thing without allowing for his story, and everyone else we believed because they were supposed to know better than we did.
And what about all those truisms that weren’t so true after all?
All those extreme examples we were sold to keep us buying into someone else’s marketing plan?
They only “work” as long as you’ve got agreement from your guy in question that he’s buying into the same illogical "logic" as you. And most of this is so subtle, you won’t know until it’s too late.
The truth?
Someone who’s truly your guy isn’t going to need you to make him do anything, let alone make him commit to you.
If he’s on the same page as you, compatible in the ways that matter more than anything else, he’s going to want to commit to you! And one last thing (lest there be any doubt), if he’s not committing to you?
You don’t want him anyway. Not really.
Not for the long term when that fact alone matters more than you can see right now.
How about you? Is there someone you’re trying to get to commit to you? I want to hear from you! Share your story in the comments below. You’re never alone in what you’re going through.
A great article, with so many points I can relate to, only for the first time in years, I am reading the words thinking about the fact that I’m the one this time that couldn’t commit, when I met an emotionally available guy.
You’re extremely spot on when you talk about breaking of habits, but it’s sometimes easier said than done.
For years, I was attracted to men that were a challenge or unavailable. I spent two years with a guy that showed me lots of red flags about his lack of ability to commit and it took me another year or so to get over the break up.
Then earlier last year, I met a guy that was lovely, he treated me like a princess, we had lots in common, he was very available and he quickly fell in love with me, or thought he had. But for me there was always something missing, that spark i guess, so after lots of battling with myself for 8 months, I broke things off, as it wasn’t fair to him.
But now when I read posts about old habits, about enjoying the challenge of having to prove our worth to unavailable men, it worries me, that I might be looking for that again. I wonder if ‘the spark’ for me is really about that chase, winning someone over. How do we ever get out of that cycle and truly see the decent guys, that love us for who we really are ?
You can't make yourself feel something that isn't there, Fay, but what you can do - which may seem like such a small thing, even counterintuitive, but really is so much more than that - is to stop fighting yourself. Let yourself be free to explore who you are, who you love and why. Embrace all of yourself, even the parts of you that may be so part of this cycle of being so attracted to guys who give you that chance to prove that worthiness. We don't "fix" this by piling on more guilt or shame or more "there must be something still wrong with me" thoughts that lead to actions that keep repeating our patterns. When you're done, you're done. When you've seen enough - when you've had enough - you'll be done. And you'll reach it faster through understanding the why, through understand the dynamic that goes on here subconsciously, so that day will come when you see it with a brilliance like you've never seen it before and you come to the place where you say - and mean - with every ounce of your being "no more". Surrounding yourself with people who get this helps. Living your life out loud in the best way you can helps. Finding creative expressions of your most authentic self helps. Focusing on you instead of any him always helps. But at the end of the day, it's only when we're ready that we fast forward the process and become exactly what we need ourselves to be to end the cycle and say "enough". Until then, we can usually find something else to distract us from being ready enough to make that happen.