I’ve got just one word for you today: NOW.
You need to hear this and you need to hear it now.
Before another moment goes by. Before another hour, before another day goes by.
I know just how important it is, first hand.
Because years ago, when my best friend, who couldn’t afford the airfare, left her two small children with her husband and somehow managed to fly across the country to say this one word to me, it was just that important for her to give me the message, too.
See, when you’re not in it, when you’re not in the emotional situation yourself, you can see things really, really clearly.
But when you’re in it, you can’t.
No matter how much you think you can, you can’t. Not in the beginning when everything’s still wonderful but so many red flags you can’t even hope to see them all are already there. Not in the middle when you want to believe it’s just a phase he’s going through. And certainly not in the end when you feel like you can’t live without him and losing him would never be an option.
So when?
That’s my dilemma. When do we talk about this part?
Here's when: before we’re in denial. Before we’re in too deep to get out. Before we’re attached on that emotional level we can only see when we’re not.
When we're in it, we dig in. We double down. We defend. We explain away. We excuse. We change the subject. We understand.
“I’m OK, thanks. In fact, we’re great. I’ve got this. I’m a big girl. You don’t need to worry about me.” Those were the words I said to my friend, before she bought that plane ticket.
How did she know what I didn’t? How did she see what I couldn’t? And why was I worth the time, expense and energy involved with getting on a flight she couldn’t afford, spending time away from her children (which she never liked to do), and flying 5 hours across the country to tell me in person something that could have been said over the phone?
For the same reason I'm telling you this right now.
If you’re deeply concerned about your relationship, there’s a reason. I want you to trust that.
If you’re telling your friends stories and giving them enough snippets of information that they have a reason for being concerned, so should you.
It’s so easy to play it down in the next moment when everything’s back to normal again. But the fact that there are those moments at all are concerning.
Because I know you know the difference between everyday squabbles and miscommunications and generally getting to know each other and finding out everything isn’t always all rosy in the eveyday living. That’s NOT what I’m talking about here.
What I'm talking about here is what you already know. What you know deep down, in your gut. Where you know it's just not right, but you can't bring yourself to face the truth.
And here's the truth you have to face: It doesn’t get better from here.
That’s why you need to hear this now. That’s why there is no let’s wait and see if it gets better. By the time you notice something doesn’t feel right, it’s already been going on for awhile.
You see, our consciousness first wants to deny what you're picking up on because it doesn’t fit with the program for the relationship we’ve already created in our heads. Cognitive dissonance is what happens next.
We’ll defend tooth and nail everything anyone else says about what’s going on. Except when we’re behind closed doors, alone. Or when we find ourselves here, reading this because we finally Googled our relationship concerns and found out we had very good reason to be concerned.
No, it doesn't get better. In fact, it usually gets worse because we slowly lose our ability to be objective, if it was even there to begin with. We start avoiding our friends and family members who start telling us the truth of what they see – and what we tell them in what we later consider our weaker moments.
But these are the moments that speak volumes.
They tell you everything you need to know. They’re not weak, they’re aware. They come up while you can still see his behavior for what it is, when you can still imagine yourself living a life apart from him.
That’s why I can’t stress enough the importance of now, right now.
Like my girlfriend, whose advice I didn’t heed and lived to regret it as I staggered through almost three more years of life with a guy pretending everything was fine to the world when in reality, it was anything but fine, this is why I'm saying this now to you. What it did to my self-esteem, my self-respect, my self-confidence, was never worth the chance I was taking on someone whose actions I would never be able to control.
It’s the advice I never took myself, but I hope you can.
Not sure this applies to you? Share your story right here in the comments with this beautiful community of women and you’ll have an objective, outside opinion from the ones who understand!
Yes, Jane, this most certainly has applied to me when I really fell for a guy who expressed deep, emotional infatuation for me. But, after he decided to leave us after 2 1/2 years together, oh did I ever feel the pain. What gets to me is that I warned him during our first few dates about getting too infatuated with everything about me. I'm the one who put up some red flags to try and slow him down while we continue seeing each other, and just get to know each other better. Yet, he insisted that I was definitely right for him. Unfortunately I fell for that, and believed in him like I believed in my late husband who showed me his true devotion for 31 years without failing. How naive I was to believe that all men who were that persistant were also that sincere.
The problem for me is that I have no relatives near me and no friends who wanted to be involved enough to warn me. I had only my own self and instincts, and prayers to God. Unfortunately my instincts failed me, but I finally allowed God to step in front of me and protect my heart. I honestly believe I can no longer even talk personally to my "ex-boyfriend" if he wants to have direct communication with me. He's left me messages a while back, and all I did was leave messages on his voicemail in return. I've avoided direct communication with him when he finally decided he wanted it. Why? Because I no longer trust him. His action of just walking away from me and staying away indefinitely was the wrong way to treat me. My trust was compromised by his extremely inconsiderate, heartless actions.
Thank-you for all your supportive statements to all of us in our serious times of need.
Well thank you. Jane . I did do something about my situation I got out and believe me that took a lot of courage it's still a little bumpy and lonely sometimes but I know now I'm not alone and it's ok to feel the emotions I'm feeling. All I can really say is to take one day at a time . And laugh a little.
"There will always be those men who linger on the edges of our lives even as we finally learn to let them go. There's no shame in that. When you love so deeply, and when you sense something so much deeper with a certain him than with anyone else, you're filled with a hope that no one can understand who hasn't been there. This is why there's a space like this here." (Jane's words)
When I read those words, I remembered this song:
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cbnMHg_N-lQ
"Lost On The River #20"
The tears of a woman are hidden within
As she moves from one to the next, her spirit grows thin
And when she falls in love with one, it's hard but it's true
But it's oh so much harder when that man is you
I got lost on the river, but I got found
I got lost on the river, but I didn't drown
One stormy day I was out at sea
The waves they rolled and tumbled over me
I spied dry land and a tall pale tree
I knew that soon that's where I'd like to be
My sweetheart left me for another one
And now I wait for the next rising sun
I got lost on the river, but I got found
I got lost on the river, but I didn't drown
I got lost on the river, but I didn't go down
I got lost on the river, but I got found
(Bob Dylan's lyrics)
So true for me:
I got lost on the river, but I got found
I got lost on the river, but I didn't drown.
So many of us finding our way in this community of women.
Not simply surviving. Thriving.
By telling our stories, we are bringing help and healing and the reality of true love to our own lives and the lives of other women.
Thank you Jane for the program and all that you share with the community I'm doing well moving on letting go was the best decision ever made after he back down on his words,I never saw that coming.I can't believe I trusted every word he said I can't believe he got the best of me. myself -esteem,myself -respect what he did not take is my trustworthy I'm fine and is hoping to learn all that Jane have to offer so I can recognize how to spot Mr right when I see him and I got to choose .thanks ladies
Thank you, Olive. I have no doubt you're rocking this letting go and moving on thing. I've never forgotten you!
Every single line from this post struck a chord with me. I lived through every feeling and thought you describe, Jane. I could copy and paste everything, while I nod and say "yes; that's what I went through."
Jane, you need to publish a book! You have so much to say that is true, and helpful!!
I'll just quote the next lines, perhaps because they capture so well what I ended up learning the hard and painful way. Because I waited. I waited way longer than I thought I had the ability to wait.
• "When we're in it, we dig in. We double down. We defend. We explain away. We excuse. We change the subject. We understand." Yes. I did all this. Many, many times. It still didn't help in the end.
• "And here's the truth you have to face: It doesn’t get better from here. / . . . / No, it doesn't get better. In fact, it usually gets worse because we slowly lose our ability to be objective, if it was even there to begin with."
I lost that ability, and even now, when I look in the past, I find myself interpreting things through those guilt-tinted glasses, because of... exactly what you say, Jane. "What it did to my self-esteem, my self-respect, my self-confidence, was never worth the chance I was taking on someone whose actions I would never be able to control." Even now, looking back, I wonder, "had I remained quiet and didn't state the obvious, had I managed to subdue my ever-growing resentment, had I groveled just a little more, had I put up with that one more drop, after the glass had long been spilling..... had I continued to live a lie, would it have worked?"
I know. I just made myself laugh. I know the answer. But still. It goes to show what a toll it takes, what a toll that relationship took on me, and what it did to my kind heart, always eager to justify one more thing, until I just couldn't. I suppose, had I took all the blame once again, as I always had to do to get him out of giving me the silent treatment, perhaps the fiasco would have continued, for just a little longer.
I, too, had a girlfriend telling me to end things much sooner than I did. I, too, couldn't end things for years, years of on-and-off emotional abuse. I go through so much melancholy, trying to answer to myself, why. Why did I have to put myself through that. Why did I tolerate so much. Why did I equate love with tolerating and understanding. Why do I still think fondly of him and do not hate him, when he didn't show me enough respect to have the decency to talk to me through our last conflict, when I offered the olive branch and the chance of a dialogue, even while telling him that I knew part of the blame stayed with me? But see, even when I typed those words back then, I knew. I knew that no, the blame was no longer with me. I had tried to live on his terms for too long, to be blamed any longer. I was insincere to try to continue to take on that meek submissive persona that wasn't me, but that was the only shape and form in which he liked me. What I had become was no longer merely a kind, empathetic person. I had transformed into a taken-for-granted doormat. I was resenting him for that.
He never answered (though in the past he had promised he would). Yet I would have forgiven him. I no longer reached out to him again, either. I couldn't any longer. I knew the pattern all too well.
I feel a lot of sadness, still, whenever I remember. There's a lot I still need to process, about me, and how I carried myself, and the choices I made in the past. There is melancholia over that bubbly self I once had, bursting with energy and life while in his presence, giddy and happy, and feeling like we could have it all.
I'm glad you're here, Cathy. There's so much understanding for what you've expressed here. We tolerate because of so many reasons but really these have to do more with who we are than any man. In the end, what matters is that you come to the place you have, where you can say all these things, and feel them even deeper, but still find the courage and resolve to say equally as strongly that you know the pattern all too well.
There will always be those men who linger on the edges of our lives even as we finally learn to let them go. There's no shame in that. When you love so deeply, and when you sense something so much deeper with a certain him than with anyone else, you're filled with a hope that no one can understand who hasn't been there. This is why there's a space like this here.
Proud of you.
PS I'm working on that book as we speak! 🙂
Jane, yet again I didn't have the time to acknowledge your reply here, but please know I read it, and you saved my day that day with "There will always be those men who linger on the edges of our lives even as we finally learn to let them go." How true, and it applies to lost friendships, too. I don't know how you find your words, but you do, and I needed a new "mantra" to help me process what I was feeling. You gave it to me with this line. Those who "linger on the edges of our lives" -- so true -- "even as we *finally* learn to let them go." So very true, thank you Jane.
And thank you for telling us, again and again, to fight the shame. Shame is what stays on for so long. Shame lingers even more than the memory of those we gave ourselves to. It's soothing to hear from you: "There's no shame in that. When you love so deeply, and when you sense something so much deeper with a certain him than with anyone else, you're filled with a hope that no one can understand who hasn't been there."
Thanks again. And time to raise a new generation of girls (our daughters and nieces and granddaughters), and a new generation of sons who will hopefully have the benefit of a different culture. I'm the ever hopeful idealist and optimist, deep down I always hope that things will get better. (Even with the horrible news around us every day.)
Work on the book, please do! I will read it cover to cover, and pass it on! You make a difference for the better in the world, Jane. Thank you!
I'm so glad those words met you right where you were, Cathy. Thank you for stopping by to let me know. Honestly, this times a thousand, million! It absolutely applies to ever single aspect of our lives, every one of those relationships we hold on so tightly to! So glad the deeper meaning of all of this, of every single word I write, is this clear to you. We have much, much work to do.
HI. i was dating this guy April 20017 going on six mouths. he never included me with his affairs. his birthday party he never invited me. I gave him a birthday card no were to be found in his house. never meet his friends. or family. I did ask him how come you don't included me. he never gave me answer. He would say he loved me and wanted to get married. he printed out a marriage paper to fill out so we can bring this to the court to get our license to get married. I really thought he was telling the truth. now he gives me Excuses that he can not make that day.
You're worth more than excuses, Crissy. If this is the way he acts in the first six months, that's a huge red flag. Marry someone who doesn't give you excuses. That's a bare minimum. There's so many other things I could add, but if he can't even make that day, show him you can't make any day for him. Actions speak so much louder than words.
So many red flags here Crissy, why would he print a marriage paper for you guys to sign? instead of doing it properly with family and friends around? something doesn't`t add up here..
This is not a relationship Crissy and I`m sorry to put it just like that, please cut all ties with this guy and move on...
Here right now. But, I didn't listen to him when he said he is only a friend. I have strong feeings for him. It will not ever be unless as time goes on he can get closure from his last relationship. I am trying to convince myself that I can be "just friends." Not a good place to be.
Don't convince yourself of anything. You don't have to force yourself to accept crumbs. You want better, you can do better. Let go and get better.