One of our beautiful readers, who I'll call Sarah, is feeling like she's on the wrong side of a one-sided long distance relationship.
Here's her story:
My boyfriend and I have been dating just coming up on 6 months. He is nothing like anyone I've ever dated before and that's what I found most appealing.
Now he just moved to the Middle East for a new job, and I'm here in the U.S. and our communication isn't as I hoped anymore.
Full disclosure I told him I loved him before he left..and I knew beforehand so it wasn't just because he was leaving. When I agreed to tell him I was fully prepared for him not to return the sentiment so when he said thank you, I was kind of okay with it.
But days later and I just wasn't. In person he is the most loving and he's always telling me I need to be open and share my feelings. Well it angers me when he says this cuz he doesn't in return.
We would text all the time and call each other. The first couple of days he was gone, moved out of the country, we still talked as usual despite the 11 hour time distance. We figured, oh, it's not that bad, cuz there is a grace period where it's not too late there and not too early here...plus we both have this understanding of texting each other no matter what time.
My main issue is it feels like I'm the one always initiating contact. And as much as I miss him I just want to talk with him but I feel like I need to wait for him to initiate just to see what would happen/what he would say.
He updated his contact photo via our msg service and I noticed he cropped himself out of a photo with another woman beside him and my mind just went THERE.
Yes I trust him, but like 5% of me just cant help it cuz he's in another country and despite what we promise each other, things can happen.
Should I just wait for him to contact me? Cuz i don't want to seem like this obsessed girlfriend.
-Sarah
My Response:
Two things stood out for me in your email, Sarah.
The first, is when you say your main issue is that it feels like you’re the one always initiating contact. Yes, that’s a concern! And no wonder you’re not sure if you trust him even though you feel like you should.
But why should you? That’s my question to you.
What assurance do you have from him that you should trust him being far away from you in another country despite promises that may or may not be anything more than words? How can you possibly trust, with that kind of blind faith, a guy who you’ve only known for 6 months, who said, "Thank you" when you told him you loved him before you let him off the hook?
Of course your mind went there!
He cropped himself out of a photo with another woman beside him. Another woman. Our minds are supposed to go there!
Sure, your worst fears might not be realized here. Sure, you could be wrong. But what matters more than anything else is listening to that little voice inside you that’s sounding the warning bells telling you there’s something here to listen to, something to check out.
Let’s go back to what sounds like the reason you reached out here. The fact that this feels one-sided to you as you’re the one having to chase him down to keep your relationship going.
That doesn’t feel good, because it’s not.
That’s not what a real relationship is, much less a long-distance relationship where your fears are that much closer to the surface because you don’t have something called proximity to easily check in and see what you’ve got.
You need more contact, not less, when you’re apart like this. You need more reassurance, not less.
Let’s go with what your intuition is trying to tell you here and see what happens if you give him the chance to initiate with you.
What happens in that space? Does he miss you? Does he reach out to show you he misses you by communicating with you enough to do something about it?
We know he can. The question is, are you both on the same page here about when it’s been too long to go without communicating with each other?
That matters, Sarah. It really matters.
It tells you if this relationship has got a chance to make it through the challenges that long distance brings. It tells you whether he’s worth all the time and energy you’re giving him.
Yes, you made promises. Yes, he’s different from anyone you’ve ever dated before. But there’s always a concern when you tell someone you love them first and you’re left waiting (and waiting, and waiting) to hear the same level of commitment from him.
I know I wouldn’t be OK with it, and I’m guessing you never were either, as much as you tried to convince yourself you were.
I know you were excited. I know it felt so right. We always hope a relationship with someone who gets us more excited about love than we’ve ever been will turn out right.
I’m not saying it will, and I’m not saying it won’t. I am saying to let him show you something, to let him prove by his actions – not just words or promises without the actions to back them up – that he’s in this as much as you.
Long distance is challenging, but not impossible if both of you are on the same page. But until you have enough real evidence of that, Sarah, words don’t mean a whole lot. Promises don’t mean enough either.
So yes, watch. Yes, give him a little space to see if he comes to you. It’s his actions that will tell you – that will SHOW you! – loud and clear just how much he's in this with you.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What do you think beautiful Sarah should do in this situations? Can you relate to what she's going through? We want to hear your voice in the comments below, so share your thoughts, advice and/or words of encouragement with Sarah and the rest of us!
I met a man in late June on a cruise. I was with my extended family at breakfast and he came up to me/ us and began chatting. He is an officer of the ship. I have been divorced for 4 years, am 46 and have 3 children who are getting older (one gone to college already). I have never been on a date or considered dating during the 4 years because I took that time to really work on me. I knew that if I was going to be in a future relationship I did not want to pull any baggage with me. I am in a great place. Anyway, he asked me to call him later in the day. I waited until 5pm because I just wasn't really sure I wanted to do this. Bottom line...I called and we met for tea that evening after dinner when he was through being on duty. We wound up spending the whole week together around his working hours. We have SO much in common. Except.....he is younger than I am...32. He also lives in Europe and I am here in the states. He invited me to his country (Greece) and we planned the dates before I left. As July passed once I was back home, we stayed in contact. Some video chat and mainly texting. He left the week after my trip to head back home to Greece. His parent was injured and I noticed he was delaying making the final plans for me to travel in August. So I cancelled and said I understood he had a lot going on. We have kept in touch. We never made a commitment or "boyfriend" relationship. He is still very attentive, however, I notice his side of the communication has changed. If I reach out he responds either immediately or quickly at worst. It's an odd situation. I really like him. We currently have plans to see each other in Feb when he will be here in the states for a month for work (near where I live). He had options on where to go and chose near me. There is just something about him. I have been trying to play it cool. I haven't stated how I feel b/c I don't want to text it. And now that's all we do. In my heart I know this is a crazy situation. He lives in another country but also travels all over the world for several months at a time. I wouldn't deny another opportunity to date someone here, but to be honest, when approached I find myself making an immediate comparison and I haven't found anyone yet that I like near as much. I live a full life, am happy and I do take good care of myself. I love my job and my family. What am I missing??? Maybe I'm not ready??? Thanks so much.
What is it that makes you doubt? You don't really say anything in your comment.
Although... It seems like you're trying to picture a future with a guy you met in June and haven't seen much of. It's September. Why the hurry?
Also, is long distance what you want? If not, just don't invest yourself in this. Just have fun and keep living your life.
Thank you Angel! I think my doubt lies in him not willing to make plans to see each other until February. And the lack of good conversation via phone. Just reading your comments makes me slow down. You are right. I am ok with long distance if we have a plan to see each other.
the lack of conversation....however, i haven't told him how I feel or that's what i want in a while. i own that. i just don't want to be annoying. this is all so new to me after a 20 year marriage.
Tread carefully, Diane. Long distance is hard enough and long distance is also the go-to for people with intimacy and commitment issues. Don't make any plans with this person. Focus on your life. If you want to date, date men in your area and be very clear within yourself about who you are, what your boundaries are and what you are looking for. If you want to keep talking to him, do so, but don't overcommit yourself and really watch him. The beginning is always easy and the sweet talking comes easy for men. Actions however...
boy, I wish we had a built in CRUMB alert. lol We are always willing to accept crumbs instead of the real thing.
Praying and ALL us realize the sweet gift of love we have every daywith ourselves then with a loving, generous man who loves us as much as we love him.
Yay!
Ella, thank you so much for sharing about your life.
Dear Sarah,
Your courage inspires me. You saw the potential for true love. You opened your heart. You expressed your love to a man who expressed gratitude for your love but was unable to express love in return. I relate to you and your experience.
You are helping me remember my courage when I opened my heart to a man I met when we were 17 years old and who went to Vietnam in 1970 and how I kept my heart open to this day, partly due to what I've learned here at Jane's website in this community of woman who can relate to your experience and partly due to something I don't fully understand but can trust.
The man I loved from a distance died in 2008. He wrote to me on Valentine's Day in the 1990s from 1000 miles away.
"I love you! Always will."
We never had anything but a long distance relationship, even when we lived together for 5 months in 1971 when we were both 21 years old right after he returned from the war in Vietnam.
For some reason that is slowly being revealed to me, I didn't believe that I was worthy of anything more than a long distance relationship (like the relationship I had with my father and he had with his father and those father-son relationships as far back as fathers and sons existed), but I kept thinking that things would change in him, and I was willing to wait for him to change.
I waited until he died. I didn't know that I didn't have to do that.
I didn't realize that there were three changes that needed to happen in MY life. Three things that were within my power, because I could not change him. The first was the power of learning that I am worthy of love, worthy of a relationship with a man who could make a commitment to love himself and love me and be present in our life together. The second was the power in learning at a deep level who I am. The third power is in being true to the woman I discover.
In the process that has unfolded since I discovered Jane and this community of women, I have recognized that I have been attracted to only a few men in my long life. ALL of them have been mirrors of my own fear of commitment. ALL of them have felt inadequate in connection with their fathers or unloved by their fathers or abandoned by their fathers either through death or disappearance from their lives. We had that in common. I have had to look deeply at my fears based on childhood experiences of feeling unworthy of the love of my father. My father was often absent because of his work. His work was more important to him than his wife and children. When he wrote his autobiography, he made it very clear that we were secondary to his work. He worked to take care of us and loved us in his distant way, but his feeling of worth came from his work and from supporting us financially. Recently it has occurred to me that my father may have had Asperger's. When I told him I loved him a few years before he died at age 89, he said, "I know."
The last time I saw him was on his 89th birthday in February 2003. I arrived much later than I had told him I would arrive. My feelings toward him were ambivalent and resentful, expressed by my arrival long after I told him I would be there. He was old and fragile. He said nothing about my lateness. He was not one to express feelings. I was just in time for dinner, and we ate dinner together in the community dining room of his assisted living residence. I am grateful that we seemed to be at peace with each other that last time I saw him. As I was leaving later that evening, as the door was closing, he said, "I'll see you at Easter." He died alone on St. Patrick's Day. That was his choice. My mother also died alone. That was her choice. She pushed my father away before her death. That says so much about how my parents lived their lives alone and probably something, too, about the previous generations of my family.
I just remembered the last time my father communicated with me in the weeks before he died. I had sent him a card that expressed my love. Here is what the card he chose expressed:
With sincere thanks
for your kindness.
It was appreciated
more than words can say.
Here is what his handwritten note in the card said:
BEST CARD I'VE EVER
RECEIVED!
LOVE
DAD
(He always wrote in all caps!)
In the months before the man I loved from a distance all those years died in April 2008 he wrote to me:
... I miss you! More than words can say ...
I miss you!
Love Richard
For some reason, it is occurring to me, as I write about my father and the man I loved for so many years, that babies seem to be born with a commitment to love their parents and a sense that they are worthy of love. I was never pregnant and did not have the experience of a child of my own but a few years ago, I was a volunteer in a daycare center. My job was rocking and feeding and playing with babies from 3 months to 1 year old. I saw how whole and perfect they were, with all their feelings, with all their love for themselves and their parents intact. I saw how they responded when their parents arrived to pick them up. It was pure love that I was witnessing in those babies. They responded in a very different way from the way they responded to anyone else.
I know that my father and the man I loved more than any other man both carried the same wounds from their childhoods that I carry. Our ability to love without fear and doubt, along with our ability to love ourselves, had been lost. But my wounds are healing here.
Our wounds can be healed. The scars remain. We don't need to be ashamed of our scars. I learned that from a Spokane Indian man named Sherman Alexie this week. I just finished reading his heartfelt book. It's titled You Don't Have to Say You Love Me: A Memoir. Along with Jane and this community of women, that book is full of stories from lived experience about loving and being loved and the confusion and obstacles that stand in our way and that we can continue to grow and learn about True Love.
Each time I start to write here, I think I can make it brief but that hasn't happened recently. There is healing to be found in writing my experiences down and sharing them. There is healing to be found in reading about the experiences of other women of all ages.
I hope that telling my story again from this angle will help you, Sarah, make your own decisions. We can learn to trust ourselves here. We can learn to make good decisions. We can learn from our mistakes. We can love and be loved.
"Love waits forever, for one and for all."
(Bob Dylan wrote those words and sang them. He seems to me to be a man like the few men I have loved. Not easily defined. Distant and yet near. Creative. Sense of humor. Unable to sustain a relationship with a woman but always hoping to do just that. I see his words as a form of unshakable faith in the reality of True Love.)
Hi Sarah,
I know how you feel when it seems like you have to do the initial contacting. I know the feeling because I've been there before. It's not such a good feeling when it seems like the only time you'll get to talk to him is when you have to the reaching out.
I completely agree with Jane's advice here. I would wait and see what happens when you leave the ball in his court and see if he reaches out. I know it's hard waiting, but in the long run , you'll know if he is interested enough and him making the effort.
I hope it works out for you.
I'm not really sure what Sarah has here. Is this even a relationship? It doesn't seem like it is just reading this letter. This sounds to me more like she was sort of seeing someone but he wasn't her boyfriend. It just doesn't compute. If I were to imagine a real relationship, I'd say six months in you care about each other, but you don't necessarily love each other yet. You're still in the phase of getting into things deeper and if you're really firm, this move would have been discussed throughly and communication wouldn't be an issue. The fact that there's no communication on his part and cropped pictures tells me there's not much there for Sarah.
It seems to me like she's not confident in herself and whatever they had if she's wondering whether she should say something or not and in that case it is exactly because there's nothing there. I figure when we have something real, we don't hesitate, we simply talk.
The reason she's doubting is exactly because she knows deep down there's not much there.
As Jane already said, I would question what it is I love. Is it him or is it some idea of him? It seems like the second.