You close the door behind you. You’re safe now.
Safe.
The tears can flow, your heart can break. You’re there alone.
One more act of proof. One more thing you can’t deny.
Something has changed. And no, you don’t know why.
He talks differently, responds differently, communicates differently, acts differently, everything feels different than the way it used to be.
You want to know why. You need to know why.
Your intuition is never enough for you. You can’t believe it, you don’t trust it.
You need to get your answer from him.
But it’s the beginning of the end when you need to get your answer from him.
Always.
Because the simple act of asking him if he still cares about you, if he still loves you, if he still even likes you, signals that you’ve lost sight of yourself.
You’re lovable, you're worth caring about, you’re beautiful. You deserve to be loved. And then some.
The ones who see this are the ones who matter. To the ones who can see you, to the ones capable of seeing you at all, you’re all of this and more.
But instead, you see the change in someone who you thought was one of the ones who mattered. You see the change in someone who was supposed to be on the same page as you, who wanted the same thing as you.
He said all those things, until he didn’t. He promised so much, until he stopped. He, not you, was the one who gave you reason to hope.
You went along for the ride. Until he got off and forgot to tell you he was done, that he changed his mind, that something was different for him. Not because of you, but because of him.
Of course those words never came from him.
Instead, you kept going along acting as though everything was exactly the same as it had been. You pushed the doubts aside that arose in you. You pretended they weren’t there until you could no longer pretend you didn't feel it.
Don’t ask him these things, Beautiful.
I know you think it will help. I know you believe his answer will set the record straight and give you everything you need to know. Maybe you think asking him will make it change back to the way it was.
But no. The truth is, it never helps.
What it does is put your lovableness, your worthiness, in the hands of someone who doesn't deserve being placed on such a high pedestal and being put in the position to assign your value of these things.
What it does is reinforce that you are the one on the begging end, that you can’t trust yourself enough to know the truth, that you can’t trust him and his feelings to be strong enough for you. It reinforces that if you're wrong, he'll be the first to clarify your mistake for you.
I can’t stress this one enough. This is always – always – the fear behind why we don’t trust ourselves and why we have to know, we have to ask. We don’t trust that we’re worthy enough or confident enough in ourselves and our own attractiveness and desirability for him to pursue us and keep pursuing us!
And it’s exactly this part - that if we don’t put him on the spot, and call him out for his behavior and force him to step up with an explanation - he’ll be on his way out.
But ironically, this is what happens.
There’s a shift in our power when we ask him for the answers. There’s a shift in the equality of the relationship when one person asks “Do you still love me? Do you still care about me?” or whatever exact words you use.
Because the reality is, it’s already the beginning of the end. The writing’s already on the wall.
And if we simply confirm that yes, we’re not worth chasing, that we’re not worth fighting for, that we’re not worth pursuing because we simply accept when someone pulls away, ratchets everything down, carrying on as though nothing has changed, denying the existence of reality and pretending everything’s just hunky dory and the same as before, that, Beautiful, THAT is where the long irreversible damage is done!
See, we have to take you along with us! You’re worth so much more than this pattern. We have to hold you up, hold that beautiful head of yours high up so that you can see, really, really see.
And then what do you do now? You go out and get a life. A real one.
Not just the one that was about to begin that was all about the two of you. IF that’s still in the cards, there will still be one just like that. But if not, you already know.
You know what you do want? Someone who steps up. Someone who’s in this for the same reasons you are. Someone who’s got this. Someone who can do this. Someone who WANTS to do this with you!
Anything less than that? Not on your watch. Not a part of your life. Simply not worth your time.
He wants to know why? No, he’s not the one asking. He doesn’t know why. But, then again, he’s doesn’t care.
And you deserve someone who does!
How about you - have you ever been in this situation? Share your story with us below in the comments - we're all in this together!
Love ❤️ the article
Jane- I’m in this situation now and have been SO tempted to ask him what happened, why he changed, etc. but have been strong enough to not do it and to KEEP my power.
My question is when he comes around again- what do I do? I know at some point down the road he’s going to reach out to me to “test” me and maybe for his ego to be stroked or whatever. He’s done this in the past and I’ve let him back in my life. So this time around, do I just completely IGNORE his text?? A huge part of me feels that’s the best thing to do at this point and to not even entertain him with a response- even a brief one. I think I need to show him that he’s crossed a line, that I’m done with the disrespect and just done with the games. I know it’s over with us as there can never be anymore chances in the future. I could never trust him after he did this to me again.
As more days pass of not hearing from him at all (2 weeks now) , I have less and less of a desire of even telling him I’m moving on and that I wish him well, etc. I think I need to just blow him off. Thoughts?
3 months ago My boyfriend (we are dating more than 10 months) came to my place and told me that he is really confused and doesn't know what to do. He told me that he really loves and doesn't want to hurt me but he is not ready for marriage. He thinks that his family will be against our marriage . At the end he told me that he needs a break. He left me and 2 weeks later back to me and explained that he was really stressed and if he wants to get married he will definitely likes me to be his wife.
Suddenly last night he sent me some text messages again that he is stressed about our future and he is worry about me that i am getting old and it is time to be married (i'm 31 and he is 33) and told me that we both need time to think.
I did say nothing What should i do? Same pattern just in 3 months!!
Thanks for your support
Parisa
Can you live like this? That is the definitive only answer that will set you free and you need to find it within yourself. You and you alone can decide this for yourself.
Yes Jane I been in that situation and worse he used my quit nature I can't believe he got the best of me I can't believe I trusted every word he said I tried to make it work. And the ending every thing was a lie he doesn't speak to me anymore and we both live on the same building just imagine how hard that is. I no every situation is a learning experience who do not honor you, respect you or treat you well, if you do find yourself around those kind of people, act with dignity and remember that they are not respecting you because they do not respect themselves. Thanks for sharing I'm learning
Jane, you are SO right, and after reading your simple last statement at the end of your write-up, that "he doesn't know why. He doesn't even care," I have to repeat that over and over in my head AND IN MY HEART about my ex-boyfriend, simply because I still to this very day, after he walked away from me well over a year ago, wonder why he did that, why he could treat me so heartlessly, without regard for all we did together and what we did for each other. My late, loving husband would NEVER have treated me with such heartlessness, so why would I accept that from someone else who claimed to be infatuated with me in the very beginning. He tried calling me a few times several months ago, wanting to talk directly with me rather than always leave phone messages. I was the one avoiding him this time, because my trust in him was compromised and I was not comfortable talking to him in person anymore. I, too, tried to great extent, with "wrongful" desperation, to win him back right after he walked away. He completely avoided me then, and, finally, accepted one of my "100" calls to tell me he'll never be back because he's now happy. I finally decided I deserved someone who can see the love deep within me and love the "real me" for all I am. THAT'S why I now cannot accept talking directly with him anymore. He has what he wants, according to his initial action of walking away, and I cannot accept such action from someone I genuinely felt in love with and showed loyalty & commitment to. I guess avoiding him now is my way of trying to heal my heart, or perhaps I'm allowing God to take over and stay in front of me to protect my heart.
Thanks, Jane, for all your support. Every day I feel a stronger need for that support, so I appreciate it. It really has not gotten easier for me with time, actually harder. But, I have no family either, so, that makes it difficult as well.
Delores
This article was meant for me today as I am contemplating on reaching out to him again. This mental torture of wanting to reach out and say Hello to him. Wanting to ask him if he is OK. Wanting to find out why?
What is the point of reaching out? He is already gone, long gone!! I already know that and yet not willing to accept the truth. Yes, and the truth hurts! I am in denial that a man can do that to me.
Why can't he be honest and just come out and say it? Why can't he just not make it about me, being too sensitive when I made the mistake of asking him the question when I started to notice that he was pulling away? Why didn't I let him go then?
So many questions that I ask myself and I had to find the answers online - on your website, on other dating sites because I have never really experience this before.
I had come out from a long term marriage and did not know about the rules of dating.
I am still learning here, that I should never pursue a guy (Yes, I did pursue him and it sure ended badly) and I hope I can learn from this experience and not do it again.
I am new at this.
It is not about me. It is all about him and I will leave it at that and not waste another thought on him.
Easier said than done but with baby steps, I will soon get over him.
I'm going through something very similar to this at the moment . All I keep trying to remember to focus on is that I deserve to be with somebody who actually wants to be with me too. I'm nobody's second best. It is very hard but I have found that adapting daily routines just slightly at first and also having a move around of the furniture, especially in the bedroom just helps you stop dwelling on the times that he was there in your home . It sounds really silly but even moving the positioning of the lamp to maybe other side of the room gives the mood a different feeling. I wish you well and you stay strong. Remember it's him with the problem , don't let it become yours . Take
Care lovely xxx
I asked once if he loves me or not but i wish i didn't. I already knew the answer but he lied and said yes . He never loved me and i was so scared to hear that. It was long time ago. I am not that scared anymore because i learned my worth is not dependent on whether he loves me or not. I want to find someone i can be sure about his feelings and willing to make our relationships work as much as i do, but it is so hard to find. Because most guys suck at communication and they are afraid to talk about their feelings. Instead of solving the problem together, it is easier for them to put the blame on us or run away. I want to be with a different kind of guy for a change but i have never met one of them. That's why i am single for a while. I want to see effort, i don't want to be comforted temporarily with lies.
I've got something for you to do for me, Gizem. Focus on the guys who thrive on communication, who love to talk about their feeling, who want to solve any problems together, who only know how to make an effort and give you the full, whole truth. They stay. They last. They back up their words with actions and behavior. Real stuff. Imagine this is the only way for a man to be. See only that kind. No one else. Without fear, without being so scared, isn't everything else the adventure?
Thanks for the advice Jane. You are so right. Maybe the first step would be not react too much to the ''unhealthy'' kind of guys. I feel so angry when i interact with them even if i don't fall into their traps anymore. Behind that anger i feel like ''what if all guys are like this and i am looking for someone who doesn't exist in reality?'' Like you said, there is fear behind my anger. When i say i never met a great guy in my entire life nobody believe me but it's the truth. There's something about how i see the world that makes these good guys invisible for me i guess.
I am married to the man who doesn't know if he still loves me or wants to fix us. He has said things like I am not a considerate person, I do nothing for him, I am a terrible wife, I have alienated his children ( cause I say I want them over more). Two years ago his son cussed me out and my husbands response "well, I don't like the way you treat us". Me "what have I done?" Husband " well I don't keep notes, you don't respect me. You don't know how to communicate ". Me, " I don't like it when you yell at me, tell me to stop talking and refuse to speak to me. I don't deserve it. ". Husband " if you make me that mad you do, you don't understand how angry you make me." We went to counseling, he only went twice and didn't do the work. Proceeds to tell me I ve done nothing, I went numerous times and done everything the counselor suggest. My husband tested very passive aggressive. He is nothing like he was in the beginning. He acts like nothing is wrong and never wants to discuss us. I was crying one day first thing in the morning, he says "what's up with you?". Me "I just want to know you care". Husband " I can't, you don't understand how depressed I have been being out of work". Me "really you can't even say you care about me?" Husband "No , you don't respect me and your a terrible wife, you do nothing for me". He has broken my heart. Shows no deserve to work on it and blames me for all.
I'm so sorry you're going through this, Evette. It's very painful. Try to keep going to therapy, not for your marriage, but for yourself. Find support outside of him and his environment. Don't absorb the blame he lays on you. He has his own issues and projects them onto you. With a therapist, figure out who you are, what you need, what your role has been in all of this, not to beat yourself up, but to understand yourself and to be able to make better, healthier choices for yourself. Gain your life back. It does not depend on him or his family. Just you. You've got this. Please find support. Hugs.
Every guy I have dated over the last 2 years has ended this way. I'm just sitting there left hanging. Wondering what went wrong.
Figure out the pattern, Diana, what do these men have in common in terms of personality, habits, lifestyle, etc? and then try to figure out why you choose these men. There's a reason and it's inside you. Get to know yourself. It's the most worthwhile and important place to start.
Then today is the day everything changes, Diana! New types of guys for you. New ways of looking at them. And most of all, new ways of looking at you. What went wrong was them. What went wrong was being involved with someone who couldn't see you. I'm guessing you had red flags or at least clues along the way. Today, you start trusting those clues, ok? What went wrong was trusting them more than you trusted you!
Still getting to know myself and seeing my life through this new lens.
With this topic of men pulling away, I see my unfortunate marriage that ended in 1984 in a new light. Sometimes men who pull away want to be married anyway and will find a woman who tolerates that behavior.
When I was 23 (in 1973), I met a man who immediately wanted me in his life on a daily basis. Because I had never had that experience before I thought that this must be true love. He wanted me more than I wanted him. I thought that I would grow to love him. Now I see that he wanted me in his life physically but not emotionally.
He appeared to be the polar opposite of my first love who was unstable, volatile, troubled. That first relationship ended with violence. I was heartbroken. In all my innocence, I had loved that man ever since we had met at age 17. First love.
Two years later, after the first date with a new man in my life, we were never physically apart. It turned out that he was planning to travel to the East Coast of the United States and possibly live there. He asked me to accompany him. I remember the day we left Northern California together to drive eastward. As we began our journey, he was suddenly cold and abrupt with me. As long as we were together, he never hit me or yelled at me. I didn't see his frequent emotional distancing as a problem because I really didn't feel close to him. I feel sad remembering the young woman with low self-esteem that I was then.
I tried to leave him to return to the West Coast, but we ended up returning together. I didn't know how to leave him. He wouldn't leave me. Three years later, as I was again about to leave him because I was tired of his remoteness and his all-consuming absorption with computers, he asked me to marry him. Inexplicably, I married him. Looking back, I know that I married him because I thought no one else would marry me. I didn't love him. I knew this clearly. I didn't think I deserved any better.
I need to own my part in the problems that continued. My part was that I didn't know what I know now. I didn't believe I was worthy of love. I remained in the relationship, knowing that I did not love the man. I know now that it was of significance that I was suffering from bulimia when I met him and was incapable of being in a relationship with anyone. I hated myself and grew to hate him. I learned from that painful experience how to tell myself that I didn't need anyone, that I was happier being alone.
I am recalling how I would react when he pulled away during the years we lived in the same house. I would ask him what was wrong. He would say that nothing was wrong and maintain a cold silence.
I felt that I could not support myself financially and remained in that marriage relationship until I could support myself. Leaving that marriage was hardest thing I ever did. It took all the strength I had because I feared financial insecurity. It was a great surprise to find that I could support myself! It had been a nightmare, waking up day after day for all those years, not loving him, hating myself, wanting to leave the marriage and yet unable to leave for 12 years.
Just writing down today about a marriage that ended 38 years ago (!) helps heal the remaining wounds connected with that time in my life that resulted in so many regrets, so much guilt, and so much fear, resulting in believing that a healthy relationship was not possible for me.
Being part of this community of women is giving me the tools to help see who I was, who I am now, and that being true to myself now and always is the key to finding true love. Until finding this community of women, I had some but not all of the tools I needed for self-esteem. What a relief to love myself and feel peace with myself most of the time! So much progress.
(And I've been free of bulimia, anorexia, and compulsive eating since 1987.)
New lights are beautiful, Ella. A chance to see what you couldn't see before. Be so proud of yourself. Look what you're seeing now - and what you've overcome! So proud of you and the strength it took to overcome that bulimia, anorexia and compulsive eating - you shine, girl. Circumstances may dim that shine, but don't ever forget it's always been and always will be in you!
Oh, wow. That's exactly what I've been feeling. Someone who WANTS this too and who meets me without me having to push or pull or proof or be or behave any particular way – or stop being caring or interested or wanting to be with him, for that matter. Oh, I so now this. And I'm so done with it. I want my life! Thank you Jane!
Give yourself your life, Judith. A beautiful, full, loving, bountiful, beautiful, creative life! I know it's in you. Without you having to push or pull or prove or be or behave in any particular way. I know you know this. And more, that you know you deserve nothing less.
Thank you so much Jane for yet another great article, beautiful insight indeed. I have recently adopted an "I don`t care" attitude towards people/guys who careless about me, if someone decides to keep quiet or pull away I also do the same and it feels great. I no longer reach out to anyone who doesn't`t reach out to me, I`m tired one can only take so much.
I am currently single and less interested in going on dates with guys who put little effort towards me, like Angel has said "the person we truly need to get to know is ourselves so that we can better assess the kind of person that is a good match for us." I am learning to do just that, because I believe once you get to fully know who you are and what your values are you will refuse to settle for anything less than what you deserve. it`s not any easy road I have my days, just last weekend I was with my sister in law (my brother`s wife) we are busy planning my sister`s birthday celebration and she said to me "I guess you will come alone because you haven`t introduced anyone to us" I know she only meant well, however the pressure can be a bit too much sometimes, but I`ve learnt to accept the fact that comments like those will pop up every once in a while I just need to remind myself that I run my own race and I can never settle for anything less than I deserve just because of pressure.
I refuse to be in a less fulfilling relationship, I refuse to be the one doing the chase, I can`t anymore I`ve done it for far too long, enough is enough. I wish all of us in this community can find strength and courage to carry on, eyes to see when someone is worth it or not..we will eventually get it right one day...baby steps.
Thanks that was great to hear. I needed it!
I pray I find the courage to walk away...my bf of 5years recently started pulling away. I keep asking why but he keeps denying that anything is wrong. These days I am mostly initiating contact. He has stopped texting me. I am emotionally exhausted. I have stopped eating and sleeping well, sometimes I wish I would sleep and not wake up just so I can run away from this pain
I sent him a message last night and asked him why he didn't call like he promised and added that I was sorry for consistently disturbing him as it seems like that's what it is and thanked him for the awful way he treats me
Today is Day 1 and I feel like calling him to beg him again...the pain is excruciating
Please stop apologizing, Pearl. Start there. I'll be praying for you! ❤
I believe that knowing what and who I am, is a very important part of any relationship.. including the relationship I have with myself... Never allow doubt to overcome the faith that you yourself, hold on to!
Exactly, Bella. Exactly!
I am in this situation right now, the trouble is, l am living with him and have no place else to go. I have to many bills to pay with no fault of my own. Plus lbhavw to still pay off an eviction. I lived with a female friend who was supposed to pay half of the rent and did not. Her name was born in the lease. I moved in with my boyfriend. Now l am stuck. On the beginning it was so great. Now he does not care anymore. For now l am stuck . It is not a good feeling.
Is there anyone else? Anyone? A roommate service, some family member, a coworkers couch? My couch? I think at this point anywhere is better than this, Rita. Find the smallest of ways to get unstuck, even in the most benign choices to start feeling your power again. Not a good feeling at all!
Jane,
This article is so well written and helpful. I wish I could have read this when I was going through that. When my ex pulled away, I immediately noticed a shift from being loving to distant and cold. I use to think I did something or said something to make him feel this way. Then I started to do the chasing and kept asking "is everything ok?". I use to get vague answers. So I tried my best to make the relationship work. It was an uphill battle. Knowing now, it was the beginning of the end. I lost a lot of self esteem while chasing after him.
When I was in my situation with my ex, I did an internet search on why men pull away, I came across men are from mars, woman are from venus theory of the "rubber band" effect. He states that men pull away because they go into a cave and need to think about things. It just seems that men that do this are emotionally unavailable. These kind of guys need space a lot in a relationship. Relationships shouldn't be constantly hot and cold. Jane, what's your opinion on the rubber band theory?
Nett, I hope you don't mind my offering an opinion.
Gender is a construct and people who write gendered books, although trying to be helpful, only add more problems. Men are all very different. It's true that because of socialization you may find similarities from one individual to another, but don't fall into the trap of believing theories that make sweeping generalizations based on the genitalia or gender of a person.
We are women and yet every single one of us is an individual and very different from the next. We don't all want the same things nor react the same way in similar situations.
Simply put, as Jane usually advises us, the person we truly need to get to know is ourselves so that we can better assess the kind of person that is a good match for us.
If a man does hot and cold (or a woman for that matter), it could be for a myriad of reasons; reasons that pertain to that particular person and they may not even know themselves why they do that. It doesn't matter why the grow cold. The question is: is this what you can live with or not? You are the only one who can make that call for yourself.
Every single one of us has to figure out how we deal and if we can deal with major issues other people have.
If you are not happy with someone, if they treat you badly, if they are abusive, or withdraw from you, the best you can do is remember your worth, your wellbeing comes first, and let them be. Why they do what they do is their business, and only they have to figure it out for themselves. Don't take on what isn't yours. When people honestly care and are healthy, they reflect and openly share with you. My two cents.
I went through a phase of trying to figure out men as if they were some big, mysterious monolith that I had to decipher. What I found out in the field is that there is no collective "men"; there are only people beneath all of the societal programming. People, individuals, with their own stories, their own paths, their own unique experiences, and opinions. Like me, like you. You would be surprised to see a vast difference from one man to the next if you go beyond gendered advice.
I hope this helps and that you don't mind my adding to your thread.
Hi Angel,
Thanks for your comment. I think you're right about it being an individuals certain reasons why they do what they do. I tried always looking into things to explain men behaviors..Thanks again for your comment. I always enjoy your comments and insights to all of Jane's postings.
Beautifully said, Angel. It's the existence of so much societal programming that makes it seem like they're all the same! But if we only focus on a certain type of man that has been brought up within that same social construct - AND has the experiences and personality of other men who seem the same, it will seem like "they're all the same". I could go on an on about this one, as you well know. 🙂
So glad this resonated with you, Nett. I know most of us can relate to what you've written here!
As for the rubber band theory, it helps to recognize John Gray's theory as just one of many lenses that we can use to view our relationships through. Look at any and all theories with what resonates most with you and your experiences. People are so much more than labels that make it harder to view each other as individuals. I find any attempt to categorize either gender in a way that oversimplifies the individual dynamics of a person to be a disservice to the actual people in the relationship. People are so much more than a label or a stereotype. If we are to understand each other, we have to understand the full context of nature vs. nurture and so many aspects of someone's history and personality that can shape how and why we all behave the way we do.
Some men pull back sooner and longer than others. Some men do this under certain circumstances, and not as much under different ones. Some men never do this. Some men are triggered by words and behavior that bring up subconscious responses that they're not even aware of. Rather than look at any one particular theory as an answer, there are so many cultural factors along with personality that show us our "why".
While most of us here (myself included!) have a special affinity for desiring to condense someone's behavior down to as simplistic an explanation as possible, we need to put just as much of our focus into looking for the grey places where we find real people, real men who don't fit any particular mold, but are instead focused more on being the best people they can be, the most awakened, the most aware, the most conscious, then fitting into any easy typecast. Look there, seek that out as your "type" if you must give yourself one, and you'll find those are the ones you see first. I have a feeling you'll find they're the ones capable of seeing you for all you are and all you have to offer, too. Hope that helps! 🙂
I have . I was with a guy for 18months I loved/ love him very much, I thought we would be together forever, but one sat night without real reason he got angry has he did trapping my hand and refused to release, his children were there upset. Once free I took my stuff and left, he continued to drink heavily, till maybe 5/6 am I knew he had planned to go on a motorbike ride at 9am so I called the police. Was scared he would kill himself or another,
He was extremely angry that the police turned up and threatened me again I was scared so I The called the police on the sun afternoon to say I was scared,
They came and took a statement I didn't want to make official assault claim but told the story in case he did something to me or my property, with doing that I had told them the whole story which involved his children the youngest at 13, not realising they have to inform social services, he was even more angry, I never wanted to hurt anyone. From then on he won't speak to me obviously status on fb changed and although I've apologised I don't get anything back. That was 2 months ago,
But I miss him so much it hurts a lot.
And I've no idea what I should do .??????
Kay,
I am really sorry you had to go through what you did. It was a good thing that you called the police. I know right now, you are probably only thinking about the good times you had with him, but you must also remember that he was physically violent to you. If you get back together with him, he will only get physical with you again. Please rethink doing this for your safety and we'll being.
Kay, please cut ties with that man. He's dangerous. You didn't do anything wrong. HE DID. Please don't excuse abuse. Just let go. Stay very far away from that person. Don't let him near you.
Of course he's angry, Kay. But you didn't do this. You didn't create this situation. He did. He chose to drink heavily within hours of a plan to be on the road where who knows the type of damage he could inflict on another human being! He threatened you when he was caught by his own actions that caused you to do what anyone in that situation would have done if they were confronted with a similar situation. A basic litmus test of whether you're with someone worth being with, is if you feel safe with him, Kay. This isn't safe. None of what you've written here feels safe.
You miss the idea of him. You miss the other side of him that you didn't write about here. But he's both sides, Kay. You can't have one without the other. Unless you're willing to accept all of him - which I would advise you to never, ever do with someone capable of being physically, emotionally or mentally abusive towards you or anyone else, choose to let him go. Take back your power, Kay. He's obviously triggering that beautiful little girl in you who's scared you won't find anyone again who shows as much potential as him. This is not your truth!