One of our beautiful readers, Kylie, has been dating a man virtually for over a year, but they haven't yet met in person. She's wondering if this qualifies as a real relationship.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
I have been dating this guy for more than a year now and we are in a long distance relationship.
We basically never met each other yet the entire time we are dating. Though we do video call each other most of the time and text and call everyday, I don't feel like we are a thing because we are far away from each other.
We have been through ups and downs and it wasn't easy for the both of us but I am amazed how we always tried our best to make things work despite the distance and the problems we encounter.
We had broken up three times but he always comes back to me and he was the one who ended the relationship in the first place.
We were broken up for a month or two but during that period we still have our communication and we remained friends until he decided he wants to get back with me and I accepted him because I love him.
This time he was different though.
He has matured and he does what he says and we don't fight everyday like we used to. He even bought us a couple ring and wears it everyday. But recently, he told me that he would stop wearing it until I come and visit him because he want us to slow things down a little bit and does not want to go fast and assured me that he did not mean it as a bad thing.
Should I be concerned with that and can I really say that we are in a relationship even though we have not personally met yet?
I need help and clarity. I would appreciate your advice and insight on this matter.
Thank you!
- Kylie
My Response:
Hi Kylie,
Yes, you absolutely should be concerned that this guy wants to slow things down a little bit and finds the pace of your relationship as still moving too fast for him, even though you haven’t even personally met each other yet. And no, you can’t really say that you’re in a relationship when you haven’t even personally met yet.
I know it’s been a year, and it would seem like that would count for something, but without meeting, without actually physically being with each other, without this part, you have no idea who he really is or whether you can actually believe he is who he says he is and presents himself to be.
Even if it’s still a long distance relationship there needs to be at least some real, actual personal, physical contact there.
Rings don’t mean anything without actions, without real, live in-person actions and behaviors to back up and support everything he’s purported to be.
Your words here, “I don’t feel like we are a thing because we are so far away from each other”, reflect what you know in your heart of hearts to be true. That’s your gut instinct talking.
You don’t feel like you’re a “thing” because you’re not really. And yet, obviously, this is even now becoming “moving too fast” in his words, for him.
What does this tell you about him?
Right. You know.
And this is why I’m sure you reached out at this point. It is concerning. So I’m going to give you the confirmation that you already instinctively know.
You say you were broken up until he decided he wanted to get back with you and then you accepted because you love him. That’s concerning too, Kylie, because your role is never to wait around, spinning things into something more acceptable than what it is so that it doesn’t feel as bad.
I would let him know that you only want to be in a relationship where there’s an actual, real life relationship. The kind where you see each other face to face, not just through looking at a screen. The kind where you get an actual sense of each other, live and in person, where you can see who each other actually is.
Look for how he responds to that.
If he agrees that this is what he wants too, then the two of you will figure out some way to meet. You’ll both want to. And you'll figure it out no matter what challenges have kept you from getting together in person before now.
And if he doesn’t, that speaks volumes, Kylie.
Actions are what you’re looking for. It doesn’t matter how well you communicate if you can’t do it in person, if you’ve never personally met.
Your gut instincts are right on here, because if you have to ask someone for this, even that is telling you a lot.
Trust yourself. Believe what you feel.
You’re beautiful! And you deserve a real life relationship.
Love,
Jane
What do you think Kylie should do in this situation? Share your thoughts with her and the rest of us below in the comments!
Been there, done this with a virtual unrelationship relationship for 9 years. Red flag: Men pursue. He's not pursuing, he's just controlling. You need to visit HIM?! It needs to be the other way around. Also, the ring business is a type of control---like "claiming" you with no real relationship existing. Bet u he only wore his when on video chat.
Red flag: in one year, he's broken up with you THREE times. Constantly breaking up is a sign of an unhealthy dynamic. Also, HE decides when to come back from HIS breakup. And there's no consequence from you because you remain friends and still talk to him during the breakup. He gets to be romantic when he's in the mood to be, then push you away,then be romantic again...All on HIS terms. He has trouble with a virtual relationship. How do you think he'd be in real-life which is much more stressful?
As Jane said, u know this in your gut. You are worthy of a real life relationship.
End it SOON. Find yourself a REAL man/relationship ...not a virtual one (with problems). You deserve it...don't waste anymore time.
relationships in general are hard enough as adults with their own lives and living in the same city being apart roughly 50 minutes away..i cant imagine how much more difficult it would be when you add in more miles, hours, a different time zone or even continent. there is something that strikes me as odd, if they have been in an online 'relationship' for one year why did they never meet once in person? im sure as adults they have their lives but if they both were serious about this, they would make that effort to meet. it makes me wonder if this guy has something else going on preventing him from actually meeting in person..
Hi Kylie! I can relate to your situation. I too, have been talking to a man for 5 years, 9 months that I met online. I have traveled 3 times to see him. We live in different states about 1200 miles apart. After my second visit, he made the comment that I was "smothering" him yet he was the one always Skyping and calling me. I honored that request. He has disappeared on me twice, each for a month or two, always to reappear with some sort of life tragedy going on and I always stated I was there for him. I just made my 3rd trip, and which looks to be my final visit, just 3 weeks ago. The day after I returned home, I quit getting any calls or contact of any kind. The last conversation we had was after my flight landed and I called to let him know, as he requested, that I was on the ground safe and sound. He said he was happy to hear from me, we talked a bit and then he had to get back to work. The conversation ended, as all our conversations did, with him saying he loved me and would talk to me later. Well, I never heard another word from him. I left it alone for a few days and then sent him a message on Messenger and hours later a text message. The next thing I see is that he then all of a sudden unfriended me on Facebook. I immediately called amd when he did answer, his response was, "Who the hell is this". Thinking he was joking, I told him oh silly, you know who this is and he then hung up on me. I was in the process of calling a friend when I saw his number pop up. I answered and to my horror it was a woman's voice on the other end asking me who was I. She stated they had been talking for two years and he was now staying with her. I did ask her if she knew where he was the weekend before and she did say at a motel, and I told her yes, with me and proceeded to let her know everything and then said good luck to both of you and that he deserves all that he has coming to him. He did call back stating that I had "f'd" things up for him and that he was just trying to talk to her about renting an apartment. I did tell him that all he had to do was to tell me about him needing or wanting space and I would have honored that request. He did have a family member to pass away just 2 weeks before that and it was understandable he was still going through the grieving process. I did ask about the unfriending on Facebook and his answer was he was just being an asshole and that he would add me back, but just not right now. He also went into detail about how she had broken his glasses, threw his work phone and pulled out handfuls of his hair. I did hear from him the next day but it was him calling to say that she stated she did still have his phone and for me to not answer it if she called. At the end of that call he ends by saying, I love ya. I did not reply back and just said bye and ended the call. That was the last time I have heard from him. I told this story so that hopefully you can find peace in choosing to move on because even meeting in person does not guarantee things will work out and there may be secrets that this man is keeping from you. I did see the red flags but chose to ignore them. Now, with almost 6 years of my life invested and I am 58 years old and should have known better, I am an emotional mess and keep telling myself every day that I am better off without him and how I so deserve so much better than this, as you do as well!!! It is so very hard to let go but you can do this! We can do this together!!!
Sweetheart please don't waste your precious time and years! I am so sorry to sound harsh but I only do out of caring and concern. There are so many scammers out there!!!! So so many! Unless you meet someone in person, it is likely that everything is based on a lie. I've seen a few people including my brother go through this. When you are in the middle of it you are blinded by your feelings and cannot accept what people are telling you but listen to your gut! You say he bought a couples ring? Did he send you one? Please use caution. And be sure not to send him money to visit you....if he's truly into this, he will do it on his own. He should have done it long ago. Don't wish your life away in front of computer screen GO OUT AND LIVE IT you deserve it!! Also check out google image search and perhaps search his picture/face? Just a thought. Again I apologize but I care. Everyone here does. That's why you are here ❤️❤️Best of luck and love to you all. Sue
Hi Kylie
My boyfriend and I are in a long distance relationship. He is in the US and I am in Australia. We met a little more than 2 years ago when I was in the US visiting a cousin. The night we met we clicked and we talked into the early hours of the morning. But we weren't able to spend any more time together despite him wanting to. Then he pursued me via emails etc. We spent months getting to know one another via FaceTime, emails, SMS etc. This was positive in that we got to know each other as friends first but wasn't ideal. It would have been better to date like an ordinary couple.
He came to visit me in Australia.
We've been travelling back and forth about every 3 or 4 months since. I spent 3 months with him last year. I was just there a month ago and he is coming to see me in July. All relationships are hard and long distance relationships more so. Different time zones complicate things too. You have to spend time being physically together just doing the day to day stuff. Just hanging out....Meeting each other's family and friends.
The thing we both miss most is just sitting together on the couch at the end of the day talking or holding hands.
My boyfriend was the one who came all the way to Australia to see me first. I didn't go to him. I expected him to come to me. You should expect that too. You're worth it!!
Your boyfriend is asking to go slow. But in long distance relationships the inability to be together as frequently as other relationships means your relationship is already going much more slowly than other relationships.
I think long distance relationships can work but only if both parties work really hard at them.
It doesn't sound like if your boyfriend is doing that.
You deserve better Kylie ... so much better!
As harsh as it sounds and as difficult it may be to let go, I think if you close the door on this relationship you will make space for someone wonderful to come into your life.
All the very best Kylie
Yes, Jane, I believe your advice is so supportive of how many of us women truly are deep within - caring, loving, understanding, sincere in the real love we seek and, most importantly, honestly deserve. I'd like to add, also, that Kylie stated later in her letter that "he has matured." He also gave an ultimatum that SHE visit HIM before he "puts his ring back on." I see so many red flags, and this is another one. If he truly desires the loving, sincere, warm heart of Kylie, then he needs to show his pursuit of her. Telling her that she has to visit him definitely does not show his own male motivation or "maturity."
As for myself, I'll just say briefly that I've experienced too much emotional turmoil as well these last few years. It was emotionally devastating to lose my devoted, persevering, unconditionally loving husband of 31 yrs to cancer. But then, a few yrs later I met a man I really felt love for, and I was blind to his various threats to walk away from our relationship, and he did one time, then came back a few days later. Eventually he walked away for good, and I was again devastated, but it was opposite behavior from what I lived and learned from my own husband. So, my emotional devastation was unbearable for a long time. And, yes, a year now after my ex-boyfriend abandoned me, I still have struggles.
There's great advice from the other readers' messages who wrote in so far, too.
I wish you well, Kylie, and also hope my message added another word of caution.
Hi Kylie. In my opinion, long distance relationships might work but you have to spend time together once in a while too. But something doesn't sound right in your relationship. Why is he expecting you to come and refuse to wear the ring until then? He can come to see you too without using the ring as a bargaining chip.
You won't get the answers until you actually spend some time together. A few years ago i met a guy who is a classmate of one of my close girlfriends. They were in my hometown and i was studying at a different city. I was chatting with my friend and he saw my picture and he wanted to meet me. We chatted for 3 months and when i return to my hometown for holiday we met a few times. Everything was great while we were chatting on the internet but when we actually spend some time together i found out that he is still in love with his ex and i figured this out by how he speaks about her, his facial expressions and tone of his voice. That wasn't something i could figure out while we were chatting on the internet. We decided to remain friends because he supported me during my stressful times at the school and i appreciate that. Apperantly, he wasn't ok with just being friends too. After i returned to school, we just talked once and he disappeared for 2 months. Then he tried to talk to me like nothing happened and i say i am not ok with this kind of behavior and cut the contact.
My story is a negative example and that doesn't mean all the long distance won't work. It is just impossible to get to know someone on screen. For that guy i was a distraction from his ex and i didn't know it. Like Jane said, rings don't matter. Before putting on the ring, you need to figure out if he is completely available and suitable for you. Breaking up a few times and returning like nothing happened is a huge red flag too. I think you can make him sure that if he do that once again, you won't be there waiting for him. If you don't do that, it can happen again. He needs to know breaking up is a huge decision with consequences, not something you do after every big disagreement. I hope you can get your answers very soon and i wish you the best.
Hi Kylie,
I totally understand your story, it's just the same as mine exactly, almost a year now too. Though we've never been breaking up, but I feel like it's going to nowhere. I told him let's find some way to meet, and still no response for that. I know he's so busy, it's not easy at all to find time for that. We're even not in the same country. So I really don't know how to give you advice, moreover I want to ask Jane too that how long should I'll be waiting? I can't go on daydreaming forever
No you are definitely not in a relationship. This guy is hiding something. One year is too long to not meet someone. Does not make sense. Find a way to meet face to face otherwise end it. Harsh as it may seem you need to know if there is any substance in this. I have been juped many times by people I met online. Dont waste anymore time. Sometimes we fear facing the truth, but we have to, if we expect to get to true love and a real commitment . And remember it's ok if the truth hurts, at least then we are in a position to make an informed decision and move on. One door shuts only to open another door. Good luck dear!