Beautiful Kim writes to tell us about an emotionally unavailable man that she's fallen for.
Here's her email:
Dear Jane,
I have read your articles and wondered whether you might be able to help me.
I am a 54 year old woman. I married young and stayed married for 22 years. My husband was very controlling and so we did not have friends.
Eventually one of my sons told me to get away from him and I found the courage to leave.
I have a good job (clinical nurse manager.) I have nice girlfriends who care and support me and I live alone in a little cottage with my little dog.
For 7 years I had not felt I wanted to be with any man. Then 4 years ago I met someone, a doctor from Poland who works 2 weeks on and has 1 or 2 weeks off when he goes home to Poland. He is 39 years old.
We got on really well straight away and could talk about anything. He has been engaged to someone for over ten years now but it seems a strange set up.
He tells me how cruel she is and how he got into big debts trying to buy a house in Poland. That fell through and he was left with the debts. That is why he is working stupidly hard to pay back the loans.
Instead of helping him to pay off these debts he tells me his girlfriend says it's his debt (she is newly qualified lawyer.) In fact he has been giving her money to buy office furniture.
He supported her through university and she is 8 years younger than him. His family doesn't seem to like her and her family doesn't care for him either except to use him.
Anyway I tried to be just a good friend. He has stayed at my house a few times and nothing happened. Then two years ago on New Year's Eve he kissed me and we spent the night in bed together.
I thought this was the beginning of something between us but after a few days when I saw him again it was like nothing happened. I think it only happened because he was angry with his girlfriend.
I have never had a one night stand before and it hurt to be used in that way.
Still I have tried to keep the friendship and forget what happened, but I just can't. Since then he has stayed at my house to study for his final exam but we slept in separate rooms. I have also lent him a lot of money to help him pay off debts.
The first money he paid back last year but then I lent him a lot more which he has yet to pay back. He says he will start from the end of June.
I know I have feelings for him and told him I love him all the stupid things I know I should not have. The worse thing now is that I found out he has been talking about me to another person who is the biggest gossip in the hospital telling her things that were private between him and I.
Also he has twisted and made up some stories about me. The trust has gone even when he says some of it is half true.
The problem is he now ignores my messages and never calls me first - it's so upsetting especially when I have to see him at work, and sometimes he comes to my office like nothing has happened and he just starts talking normally.
One of the things I know is that he refers to me as crazy.
It hurts so much.
I feel now that he is bad and just used me for things but why do I still feel I love him and miss him when I don't see him. We used to talk for hours in the evenings and I felt a connection. Now I feel I have lost that friendship and it hurts.
I haven't written everything here that has happened but I hope you have an idea. I just can't seem to let go and worse, every time I text and he ignores me it feels like I am deliberately punishing myself.
If there is any advice you can give I will really appreciate it.
Thank you for listening.
- Kim
My Response:
You’re a courageous woman, Kim. You’ve been through so much.
You believe in the best in someone, you see someone’s potential like no one else can, and you give so much of yourself to someone in the hope that you can make that happen.
None of these are qualities that make you less than!
On the contrary, these are such beautiful qualities you possess to someone who has the capacity within them to appreciate them in you.
But when you’re with someone who doesn’t or can’t see you for the beautiful light you are, but instead seeks to control or manipulate you to make up for what he lacks in himself, it’s hard to have any objectivity to see things for what they are.
You’re not stupid, Kim. You’re triggered.
Triggered by this man who seemed so different from your ex. Triggered by this man who seemed to be a victim himself, caught up with a woman who couldn’t see him either.
But you could. And you did. And you do.
This is what keeps you coming back for more, regardless of how he’s betrayed you, regardless of how he’s treating you.
You see him! The real him.
And instead of running as far as you can from this man who is caught up in his own deep and very real problems, you feel like you can actually help him.
It’s not about him. It’s the story of him. It’s the story of you. It’s the story of the potential for both of you.
The minute you look at who this man is without bringing the story of potential and fantasy and everything else we give that breathes life and hope into a reality that keeps confirming for us a different story than the one we’re so determined to spin, is the moment he loses his hold on you.
Being with someone like this is crazy-making, Kim.
You can’t be with someone who’s with someone else and embroiled in a story with that person without second-guessing yourself and questioning everything about your own reality.
But take the blinders off that keep excusing this man to you. Allow yourself to look at the reality of how he actually treats you and you’ll see that he’s not available to you in any way that you need him to be.
Not physically, not mentally, not emotionally, not in any way at all.
If I could sit with you face to face, I would show you yourself first, not him, but you. And by showing you who you are, the part that isn’t stupid, but the part of you that’s this beautiful, loving, giving, caring woman who only wants to be loved the same way you love, eventually you would come to see him for who he is and who he isn’t.
That’s why trying to convince ourselves to let go never works.
It’s not about making him bad, it’s about seeing ourselves for who we are. For what we have to offer. For the beauty in us. Without seeing ourselves first, we can’t let go of the one person who shows us who we are.
That’s the attraction. That’s the reason why you keep punishing yourself like this.
You can’t see you, Kim. And so you think you need him because there’s something about him that represents a familiar face that this time has the potential to actually see you and accept you and yes, maybe even love you for who you are.
There’s no shame in wanting him to fulfill the potential you sense in him. There’s nothing to be embarrassed about that you still would want him, that you would still keep trying to reach out to him to get something back in return.
Acknowledge that part, accept it. Once you do that, then you can look at the why part, the how part, the part that makes no sense to anyone who hasn’t walked in your shoes.
But for those of us who can relate to you, who’ve been there in some shape or form ourselves, we hear you.
Loud and clear.
We see you. We get you. We’re going to be your eyes for you. We’re that whisper in your heart that says something isn’t right here.
We’re that gentle nudging that tells you this is no way to live. We’re that part of your gut instinct that reminds you of just how much you know so much more than you even think you do. We’re walking this path with you, Kim. You’re not alone.
You can do this. You are this!
Love,
Jane
Do you have any other words of wisdom, advice or encouragement for beautiful Kim? Share them with us below in the comments!
Get your hard earned money back, don't loan him another dime, and after that, don't contact him again.
Kim,
You are a strong, beautiful and kind hearted woman. Don't forget that! I can understand how you feel used. I've been in your shoes before about six months ago. The guy you were with is not a good person. He knew he was playing with your feelings and trying to get everything he can from you. He will continue to do so unless you cut him from your life. The reason why he doesn't respond to you when you text him and then acts like nothing happened when he sees is because he is playing mind games with you. He wants to keep you at a distance but still gives you hope he is still interested when he acts like nothing is wrong. He will keep doing this to you until you end it completely. Try not to think about what people are saying at work. It will soon become old news and people will see him for what he is. When he does come up to and talks normal, I would either a. Act busy and not give him a chance to talk to me or b. Come out and say "I think it's best if we don't talk to each other anymore unless it has something to do with a work situation."
Not sure you will get the money back from him. I truly wish you the best and I know it's so hard to let go. You will let go and truly see this man for the true person he really is.
Run! Run as fast as you can. He's got your sympathy for his sad story and is using you for free board and loans. It really is that simple. Feelings have to be put aside or he will literally leave you with nothing!
There are far worse things that being single!
I want you to say that you want your money reimbursed immediately!! After reading your story, I just feel so upset with his treatment of you! He needs to man up and give you back your hard earned money!
He says he will start paying some back from the end of June because he will be paying back the banks first. He says he has made plans to do this.
Agreed Kim ask for your money back. He paid you back the first time to ask for a larger amount. Let him know you are busy. He doesn't value you. Don't waste time anymore. You will keep having hope that he will realize how nice you are. He is just giving you enough to keep you emotionally connected to him. Enough is enough. Only when you do this can you fully grieve and heal from the hurt. We are all here for you. Start walking forward and don't look back. You are stronger than you think.
The way this makes me angry I even feel like not commenting because I will end up swearing at this guy...the fact that he says he will start by paying the banks before he pays you simple shows that he does`t take you serious. he is using your kindness to his advantage. You need to tell him that you will only talk to him if it`s concerning work or your money anything besides that then sorry. I know it`s easier said than done but one step at a time you will get there.
Try to keep yourself busy with other important things in your life, join cooking lessons, yoga or even dance lessons do whatever that will keep your mind busy, I always come to this blog whenever I feel lonely and depressed even if it means going through old articles anything that will keep me sane when it`s tough I do it. and also seeing that you work in the same office/work environment try going out during your lunch take some walks etc.. and see if this will work.
all the best. YOU CAN DO IT!!
Dear Jane and all the lovely people who bothered to answer me. I will try to take your advice because I know it makes sense. I am hurting now but I want to get better. May I ask one thing more? When he does come to see me, at work, as he usually does when he has been away, pretending he hasn't ignored my messages, and expecting me to talk normally with him and still be his 'friend' listen to him etc., what should I do? I know what he expects but what should my response be? I am grateful for any advice on that. Once again thank you so much for answering me.
Kim
Kim, you already know the answer to this question--you're just doubting your ability to do it. There should be no reason for engaging with him unless he's handing you money.
He has gotten to use you for sex, money, a place to stay, listening,etc. And what did you get in return: betrayal, being called crazy, emotional unavailability.
I've been there. It hurts. At times, you DO feel like your going to go crazy and you can't let him go. But it will get better if you can stay away. Talk to a therapist. Talk to a trusted, non-gossipy girlfriend. You've already taken some brave steps toward healing in your life including reaching out to this website. Keep showing up for yourself.
I recommend doing some reading on Codependency. Pia Mellody is a great author on the subject.
Kim, I'm so proud of you for not changing who you are despite what you've experienced. The same love, mercy, and affection that you've given will be returned to you in even greater measures in the future. Look for it. Expect it. That's the biggest silver lining that I see in your situation. Some day, he'll remember how you made him feel even though he wasn't able to reciprocate because of his issues.
The wisdom written in this article was golden. I'm applying Jane's words to my own life. You are blessed! Love is coming for you?
Kim I feel your pain. And as Jane said see him for who he truly is. I find sharing information about you with the office gossip is truly disgusting. Then you have to see him in the office. How difficult that must be? Forget the gossipers " this too shall pass: for tomorrow this will be stale news & they will be talking about someone else. Pick up yourself don't worry about what others are saying about you. Get a new outfit, put some pep on your step and a smile on your face. Keep laughing and smiling. Look happy. He is not worth it. Seems he is using you and taking advantage of your vulnerability. You are too nice for this. Yes delete his number let him go and only then you came be truly open to the person who will love and cherish. Don't let your age keep you hanging on to him. You will meet someone else. Confidence in yourself is the most beautiful thing. Hugs Brigette
Beautiful Kim you are worth more than you can imagine. Letting go is difficult and painful but I believe you can do it! Seeking advice here is the first step, keep pushing and don't give up. Delete this man from your phone and your life. I know it's easier said than done but he doesn't deserve you. Let him deal with his own baggage and bills lol. We love you and we want you to take care of you. All the best!
My guess is that asking for help here is a sign that you are ready to let go, Kim.
My experience is that I couldn't let go without the support and encouragement of other women who have learned how to let go of unavailable men.
It took me years before I could let go of my unavailable man but once I believed that it was possible, as a result of listening to other women who have learned to let go, I found the strength and courage to let my unavailable man go and keep my heart open.
Although I thought and felt that I would die inside if I let go, the truth was that I was dying inside because I would not and could not let go -- all because I didn't know it was possible to let go.
Sending much love to you!
It is called triangling and it is a tactic of emotionally abusive men. They tell you how their current girlfriend or past girlfriend didn't understand them or mistreated them. Then we come to be the girl that will treat them better.
In many cases they are telling another girl the same thing about you. Occasionally they get lucky and the two girls fight each other over him. It is a big boost to the ego. Sad to say that I learned from the school of hard knocks.
Pick up the book "Why does he so that". It really captures the different ways men manipulate situations. I have become more able to see the signs quickly.
Best of luck. Know you are worth more than him. There is a reason you left. You made a mistake because you were tsking a risk for love. That makes you the strong one. But now you know you gambled and lost so don't keep playing the game. It is Russian Roulette.
I am dealing with someone who has become very dear to me but is a widower of three years. We have been seeing each other for nearly two years physically and mentally but a month ago he said he did not want to stand in my way of meeting someone better than him as he was made redundant at Xmas. He stuck by me through the time I was unemployed and convalescing from an operation. I don't whether to walk away or not.
Wow, I just had to respond to Petra's comment, because her situation is a mirror image of mine, except that I'm the one who's widowed (since 2012), and I stuck by my ex-boyfriend while he recovered from a medical operation proceedure, then went back to work and eventually was released a week after his 60th birthday after 9 loyal yrs with his company.
When we met, HE pursued ME, and I was not as interested in him, but he persisted to show unwavering interest in being with me, called me everyday when he returned home from work, and always expressed eagerness to see me, go for walks together, etc, etc. He soon needed the medical proceedure, and I helped with moral support, visited him, helped where I could. We kept dating, spent our birthdays together by celebrating with a visit to the local zoo (our birthdays only 2 days apart, July 7 and July 9). Then, eventually he was released from employment, and I helped him with all his paperwork and other complications in receiving unemployment. Then, down the road, the more time we spent together, the less interest he showed, the more space he expressed that he needed by walking away from "us" a few times, and he eventually walked away for good without telling me. I finally realized that he never was the man I really met in the beginning. The guy I know he is now is the guy I "should have" met in the beginning . If he would have shown me this distance from the start, and the "free bachelor" way of life that he's now living, seeing his guy friends more often, just like he did before we met, then I would never have grown attached emotionally to him. He treated me like my late husband treated me - WITH ADORATION. But, the difference is that my husband meant it and was sincere with his devotion, and my ex-boyfriend was NOT. Did it upset me? You bet it did, and to the point where I had to seek counesling. I was extremely distressed. My marriage was 31 yrs, and we'd still be together if leukemia didn't take his life, and my ex stayed in our relationship 2 1/2 yrs. I was married only once, and my "ex" two times that were bitter marriages ending in divorce.
It was too easy for him to walk away, but I hope one day he'll realize the devotion and love in me that he threw away. He treated me in the end like he never wanted to marry again - but - I'm not his ex-wives, and THAT'S what I hope he realizes someday.
Thanks for reading this, and my support is with all of you beautiful women. And, I really appreciate Jane's support and love.
Delores
I was meant to read this today! Thank you - it has opened my eyes. I feel the same pain ....