Beautiful Cassidy is dating a guy who tells her she's too emotional. She's reaching out for help to figure out if she should continue to see where her relationship is going, or if she's just wasting her time.
Here's her email:
I met this guy on a dating site back in early December of 2016.
We had sex shortly after meeting for the first time and I wasn't expecting to hear from him after.
Yet... I did.
We've talked everyday since the day we met. He's told me things like he has only pictured spending his life with one other female other than me (which at the time he said this, I felt, was too soon to know that) and talks about the future regularly.
He had to go back to his temporary home in another state shortly after we met but visits his home state (where I live) every three-four months. I've asked him if he's seeing anyone else and he's certain he's only interested in me.
I don't understand why he doesn't want to be in an actual relationship.
He says I am too emotional and I have to work on that. He also says "we" have things to work on before we can be official. I've brought it up several times because it does bother me that he doesn't want this.
I plan to wait until he returns to have this talk again and avoid emotional outbursts until then.
Am I overreacting? Could it be that he is being honest since (even though he's threatened to) he hasn't broke communication and often acts as if nothing is wrong after I apologize for my outbursts?
I've read that if a man wants a relationship with you he'll know it in a certain amount of months. Is this true?
My final question is: Could he be stringing me along?
I suppose I should add that I have had two relationships that have lasted a while and ended on good terms, while he has only had one that didn't last half as long. He's said he wants his next relationship to be as perfect as possible and that he wants this with me but I have to change my overly emotional ways.
Should I continue to see where this goes? Or am I wasting my time?
Thanks in advance,
- Cassidy
My Response:
So I’m going to give this guy some credit for at least being honest with you, but I’m hearing him loud and clear with huge warning signs for you on the “wants his next relationship to be as perfect as possible” and that you’re “too emotional.”
This, Cassidy, this is clearly a guy who wants – no, needs is more accurate here – his relationships to be perfect and free of anything that sets off his emotional barometer.
I don’t know him and I don’t know you, but I’m assuming he’s here with you, waiting to see how things go, based on the fact that you’ve learned well how to be “perfect” and to hold back your emotions as much as possible for you. I'm also assuming you find yourself questioning if your emotions might sometimes be too much and if your strides towards perfection might not be quite enough.
And I'm guessing then, that after you apologize for your outbursts – or, as I’m reading this – after you restore the equilibrium in your relationship back to a level where he’s comfortable, you’re in the running again for something real.
But only as long as you’re perfect.
And only as long as you keep your emotions in check.
Cassidy, I have to say that I always have strong feelings on the majority of relationship scenarios I’m presented with, but your letter here has brought out some of the strongest reactions I’ve had.
You’re not perfect, and you’re not supposed to be.
You’re real. And so is he. And so is any relationship you want to be in.
Relationships are messy, full of all our baggage, our programming, and everything we bring to it not the least of which is our personalities, our blind spots, and our feelings. Yes, feelings.
I can tell you that if I was personally in your shoes, with a man who wanted me and the relationship to meet a standard that included the word “perfect” anywhere in the vocabulary, I would run as fast I could in the other direction.
I have been there and played out that role far too many times to know where that road leads.
Could it be different for you than what it’s been for me and so many others who’ve believed it could be different with them, too? Of course it could.
He’s his own person and so are you. But if you do proceed, I would do so with the full awareness that this is someone who you aren’t going to be able to be yourself with, who you’re going to be having to check yourself with regularly to make sure you’re meeting his criteria on just how perfect and how emotionless you need to be.
There’s something beautiful about being in touch with your feelings and emotions enough to express them, Cassidy. And there’s something absolutely exquisite about not being perfect – or having to pretend that you are.
Think long and hard about whether you ever want to be with someone who could make you feel like you’re too much or not enough in any way, shape or form, Cassidy.
Those of us who’ve walked that path know just how much havoc a guy with a background like this that causes him to require these conditions, can wreak on our hearts and souls, regardless of how well-intentioned we may have been.
Don’t let that happen to you!
Love,
Jane
Do you have anything to add? Tell Cassidy what you feel she needs to hear from you down below in the comments. We all need each other!
I love and appreciate everything I have read on here. In actually going through this and now I feel like this gives me the strength to walk away after over a year of dealing with it and five years of knowing him
I'm going through it too. My husband left because he "just cant live this way. " he cannot handle emotions, his or those of others. If the house isnt perfect, the kids (blended family with 6 kids we raised) arent quiet and do what they're supposed to do, then he cant be here. 9 years of this and it has wrecked me. I'm literally traumatized as I prepare to file for divorce tomorrow. I'm a therapist and a few months back I realized that he has Asperger's while I was doing research for a patient of mine. He had gone to therapy years ago at my request but barely got anywhere. as soon as he learned this, he freaked out and left. 8 weeks later he returned and was in the closet crying within 30 minutes of being home because he was overwhelmed. 5 days later he left again and wants a divorce. He hasn't filed paperwork. now when I speak to him about the despair I feel at the loss of our marriage, he is stone cold. "I dont know what you want me to say." "Not sure what you're expecting from me." "Yes, those were memories." My advice to anyone coming in with red flags is to walk away or get serious help. There has to be a reason for the avoidance of emotions. Best wishes to everyone.
I would like to add that I deeply appreciate each of your advices, Kenya is correct as well.
Jane, most of what you said in your response are things I have brought up recently. I have told him That I once saw him as perfect however I no longer do. That, he too needs too work on himself. Furthermore I have told him I am an emotional person and if he doesn't like that he can walk away. Guess what? He still remains in constant contact and wants to visit as soon as he returns home. I'm taking this slow and keeping this on a merely friendship basis until I know him better. I have come to terms that this may not work and will have a much better understanding of where this may (or may not) go after meeting him again. WE DONT REALLY KNOW EACH OTHER!
Again I would like to thank you all as I took each and every word to heart. Much love . Xoxoxo
Cassidy
Thank you all. I agree entirely with each of your comments.
Such thoughtful comments on here. Cassidy, I too see red flags everywhere. Your relationship reminds me of two men who didn't want to hear from my emotions. I was at my most vulnerable & these men basically told me to shut up. That's what he's telling you to do..."I will date you if you learn to shut up & be my idea of perfect". He's NOT ready for a real relationship which would involve him improving himself... So instead he wants a stepford wife that doesn't challenge him to grow. YOU DESERVE BETTER!! With time away from him and self-care, the situation will become clearer.
Glad you could hear them, Janet. Loud and clear!
sometimes consider seeing this person as a gift send to you they were brought to you as a reflection of yourself thank them for being a part of your journey and send them on their way. if it meant to be it would be it will find a way to work it self out he is not the only person in the world there millions of single people in the world if you had love before you will have it again. find someone else so wander full if they were so wander full they would still be with you.
While I agree with much of what Jane has written, I also wonder if Cassidy has come across as wanting too much, too soon. She just met this man in December. It's just now March (3 months), and she says that she's asked him over and over to make this relationship official. I wonder how much face to face time they've had since it is obviously long distance. How much do you really KNOW about him aside from what he's told you? Truly knowing someone comes from time, observation, and experiencing a person...not just their words. I also wonder if she's asking him to be official because she really wants THIS man or if her need arises out of insecurity? While he may be into you, if you keep asking for validation too soon, then some men will continue to back away because it seems desperate to them. 10 steps forward, 20 steps back every time you beg the question. You can make him do it. You can inspire, but even the inspiration is his choice. While his need for "perfection" in a relationship is concerning, Cassidy needs to calm down. Let time together show you who this man is and if he's who you really want. Then if things are not moving at an acceptable pace, move on.
I very much agree with all the amazing women's comments here, especially Emily's. It's very hard to become unattached to someone when you have already given your heart and body to that person. I know you want to make things work. But you should be doing the choosing. Do you really want someone who wants you to be perfect? It might be ok at first, but it won't feel right after a while. I had that experience with my ex. I felt like I had to be the perfect girlfriend in order for him to take the next step and commit. I learned that it's our imperfections that make us who we really are. Like Emily, I wish I would have learned what Jane has taught me years ago. I would have saved wasted years with wrong guys. Remember to put yourself first and really think hard why you are attracted to this man. If you had to choose him for a friend, would you? Think about what you truly want in someone before you continue pursuing him.
Cassidy, I agree with Jane and all of the other amazing women who are telling you that this is not the guy for you. I see gianormous big red flags waving with this guy--he seems very controlling and very much into himself and you don't deserve to be treated like this. You deserve to be cherished and respected and pursued like the precious gem that you are, not told you're too emotional and that you have to change in order for this guy to consider taking things to the next level. Are you kidding me?!!! Who does this guy think he is?!!! If he is saying things like this to you now, Cassidy, things will only get worse if you actually got into a relationship with this chump. He will continue to cut you down and prey on your self-esteem until you start to think you are losing your mind and then tell you that it's all because of you, that you are too emotional. You deserve so much better!!! Run, Cassidy! Cut ties with this guy and wish him all the best in his pursuit of the perfect woman that doesn't exist. Find someone that appreciates you for who you are and thanks their lucky stars that they are so fortune to have met such an amazing woman like you!
I'm also an emotional person and my previous partners and love interests were exactly the opposite. What i learned along the way was, you can't play the ''cool girl'' all the time even if i want to be in order to be loved.
Emotional people need a deeper connection so that means your emotional needs won't met in this relationship. More importantly, there is nothing wrong with being emotional. It is not a bad habit of yours that harms him or your relationship , this is who you are! So you don't have anything to ''work on''. I accepted my emotional nature. That makes me a great writer and singer, makes me a great and supportive friend, most importantly, A GREAT PARTNER. For a while, sweet, caring and compassionate guys started to seem more attractive to me. I haven't find that guy yet but this is a huge progress for me.
Cassidy, don't allow that guy to make you feel like something is wrong with you. He may not be as emotional as you are, but he should respect who you are.
Both Emily and Sharon have great, supportive comments, and I certainly agree with
Sharon's statement for Cassidy to just be herself and not allow herself to be made into what she is not. Because, some day down the road, becoming an "unnatural" to who you really are will backfire unless you discover for yourself that's who you are deep within. But, if you're not, then, where will this man be, or how much will you be able to trust him? For better or worse, through all times, sickness/health, rich/poor? Will he have that unconditional love your heart deserves?
I'm presently experiencing a real turn-around myself. My ex-boyfriend abandoned me almost a year ago - just left me devastated by giving up everything we did together and for each other. I lost trust in him, and now he's turning up more, trying to reach out by phone calling a lot more, and I'm avoiding direct conversation with him, but leaving general, basic messages in return. BUT, I'm writing everything carefully down about my specific statements formulated in my messages . Honestly? I'm being far to cautious & unnatural myself. I should not have to be that careful with how I talk to him. If you can't just say what you feel, or saying what you feel makes him turn around and walk away AGAIN, then what is the relationship worth, or IS there a relationship?
I was married to an unconditionally loving man for 31 yrs, who unfortunately died of leukemia in 2012. Do I crave that kind of devotion from a man for me, his wife? If I could have it once "til death us do part," then why can't I be loved now for who I am and always was. Will I ever meet someone again who can adore me so much? I don't know, but should I accept substantially less? I don't believe so.
Yes, Jane, I've been deeply hurt as well, not only suffering from the loss of my spouse, but then finding an extreme opposite I never expected to dump me so thoughtlessly & hurtfully. I also lost my mom 2 months after my husband. Those were the 2 people I was closest to in my life before meeting someone again I "thought" could love me deeply.
Jane's really a great lady who knows the loving hearts of us women. She knows how guilt can be unnecessarily placed on us, either by someone else or ourselves. I just wish it wouldn't always be by websites and emails. I'd like to meet her in person.
Thank-you, and Cassidy, please be careful to avoid going in deep depression. You sound like a sensitive, loving, adoring, caring lady who deserves great love in return.
I'd love to meet you in person too, Delores. One day! 🙂
Cassidy Know In your heart you are beautiful person! Don't let someone make you into something you are not! You are perfect for the heart that is meant to love you. It's better to be single and wait for what you deserve verses lower your standards and settle for less than the best! You deserve more! Believe in you!
Hi,
I agree with Jane, but also wanted to add a few things:
(1) It hasn't been very long, this is the honeymoon stage, when he is supposed to be pursuing you and nothing should be raising complaints, criticisms, even what he probably would call "constructive criticisms," or anything negative from him. If he is acting like this now, I would leave before you get any further involved.
(2) If you feel , YOU not him :), that you are actually feeling more emotional or uncertain or having outbursts or anything like that, that IS a SIGN, but NOT that you are too emotional, but that he is WRONG for you. (Actually for any woman/relationship now.)
(3) Just because you slept with him and he reached out to you again, doesn't mean you need to turn this into a relationship , especially if it is to make things right or feel better for sleeping with him or because you were happily surprised he kept in contact.
Sometimes something (someone) was just a wrong choice, AND THAT IS OKAY, but it needs to be left as is and behind , and not try to cover it up with anything (like an attempt at a relationship). Because it will still end, but just after wasting a lot of your time and energy and emotions and love.
I hope I didn't sound too harsh. I've been there Cassidy and wish I had learned years ago what Jane shares here. I would have enjoyed my life more fully and loved me more, and avoided wasting time on the wrong guys.
I'm going to channel Jane here: Try to recall you as a little girl, what do you hope for her? Now, protect her. Protect her from having her wonderful self , personality, and emotions trampled by some random guy like this.
She --you-- deserve more! You really really do.
I would step back, and find other things to fill your life with,
if you want, tell the guy that you hear his suggestions about how he prefers his relationships and his women , and you just want be friends (without benefits) while you figure things out.
AND limit contact with him. You will feel better and stronger after you limit contact. But be prepared, at first , you may feel sad, lonely, have doubts, and feel scared and like you might lose something. That is normal and you need to go through that first before you start to feel okay and see things more objectively.
Don't worry, if he really is a guy for you to date, then he will still be there later and he will have grown and dropped these ridiculous perfect relationship /certain behavior expectations. But that is his journey, not your's.
And don't worry. Love IS out there and so is your guy! I found my guy at age 41, we got engaged just under two years later, and married less than a year after that. But it only took so long to meet him because I didn't learn any of this until ages 39-41.