This week, I've chosen a letter from one of our beautiful readers, Elizabeth. She's suffered a huge heartbreak and she's wondering how she can let go, move on, and finally find happiness in her life.
Here's her email:
I've been reading your blogs for a few years now.
I know you have answered questions and given advice about letting go, freeing yourself from your past, etc. I feel like I have a unique situation though and I am really at a loss for how to truly put it in my past.
I dated the same guy off and on from 2007-2016. Our break-ups were always very bitter and sad, and I would spend months trying to heal and forgive him and myself. Every time, once I got to the point of finally accepting everything with him, he would pop back into my life.
He would tell me how he loves me, how sorry he is for everything, and would want to give us another try. He knew I never fell out of love with him.
The break-up before the most recent one, I wrote him a letter telling him why I think our relationship didn't work and I was ready to accept that we will never be together, but I needed some closure so I wrote the letter.
He contacted me after he read the letter and pulled me back in. We were together for a year and a few months. The relationship was "getting stuck in the mud" as he would say, and he wasn't able to commit to me (the entire course of the relationship) because of our past problems that could be a precursor for what marriage might be like.
He began to with-hold intimacy from me and basically kept a tally-board in his head of all my mistakes and everything I've done wrong, and would use them against me when we would get in an argument.
Clearly this wasn't a healthy relationship.
What finally ended it was I caught him on a dating website, confronted him about it, and his excuse was "our relationship was destroyed months ago." This was in the fall of 2016.
I decided I couldn't live in the same city as him anymore and I started to apply for jobs in the Pacific Northwest. I got the job I applied for and found a roommate very easily. It was weird how the doors just started opening once I put time into searching.
My family moved me across the country in between the holidays, and I began my new life over 2,000 miles away from him.
He had e-mailed me a month after our breakup apologizing for some of the things he said to me. I never responded to the e-mail because I wasn't ready to forgive him and didn't want to. My first 2 weeks in my new place were a little hard; it just became easy to think about the good times and I started to miss him.
I make the mistake of e-mailing him back, forgiving him, telling him he's left a mark in my heart. I come to find out a month later he has a new girlfriend.
I really can't imagine dating anyone right now, at least in a healthy way. It just made me sick that he could be so ready to be in new relationship, after I send him the email forgiving him and telling him something so genuine.
I guess my question is, how do I let go and find happiness where I am?
I am in the last year of my twenties. I desire marriage and a family, that's all I've ever wanted. I feel I am getting old and won't meet anyone, and I will be sitting back and watching him happily move on with his life, marriage and everything.
Just really at a loss.
So many years invested into something that I'll never have, and everything I wanted from it will never come to fruition. I'm so angry at him and have to much hatred in my heart for him. Yet I can't seem to let him go and let myself be free.
- Elizabeth
My Response:
I’m hearing you, Elizabeth. There is nothing harder to break free from than a relationship that showed so much potential, that held so much hope in spite of all the reality checks along the way.
It’s so natural to remember the good times, to long for what they could have turned into if only things had been different. And in that remembrance, of course you long for the way it should have turned out and feel angry that it didn't.
We get angry for a reason.
It’s a powerful emotion and not often one that we’re comfortable with. But it can also show us a way out if we allow it to.
Let yourself feel angry in a safe way. Take it out on a punching bag or a pillow or something else that won’t hurt you or anyone else. When you’re done getting out all the anger that’s coming up for you, let yourself feel what else is underneath all that anger.
Of course you’re angry – and you have every right to be! But underneath, when you allow that anger to express itself, there’s another layer that holds the key to your freedom.
It’s where the real work reveals itself. It’s where what this is really about takes on a voice of its own. After the surge of anger, comes the flood of tears. Then comes the hurt that's always underneath. This is what tells the story of what was done to you that never should have happened.
That he moved on so quickly. That he even found someone so fast. That he was even ready to, after you! That, in contrast to you, he seems to be fine and you’re not.
It hurts to have someone move on before you. It hurts to have just written a gracious letter full of love and forgiveness and to receive as a response the news that it meant nothing to him and he’s already found what he needed to move on.
Nothing prepares you for this feeling. Nothing.
And to pour salt on your own wound, you look back and see all the time wasted after you've invested so many years in someone and something you believed in. You see him moving forward, and you feel like it’s never going to happen for you, feeling the loss of your twenties with nothing to show for it in the way you thought for sure you would. All of your dreams for the two of you come crashing down around you.
How could it feel anything different to you?
It can’t.
But one day, Elizabeth, it will.
Right now, when it’s still so fresh, especially this recent news and finding yourself in a whole different place in the country, miles away from everything that had grown so familiar, you’re coming face to face with your aloneness.
On the cusp of your thirties, with so much seemingly at stake, your urgency has never felt so real. You need a plan, a way out. And you need it now. (I get it, believe me I do. I was in a very similar situation in my late twenties.)
I want you to look at your life right now with the expectation that in 1, 2 or 5 years from now you’re going to be looking back seeing everything you can’t see right now.
See yourself happy and free. You’ve found someone who loves you for you and he’s found you, too. You’re in a committed relationship or already engaged or maybe even married. Maybe you’re planning to start a family or maybe you already have.
You're looking back at where you are right now and you’ve got the reassurance that everything turned out wonderfully in spite of what feels like such a loss right now.
So, imagining this future, what would you do differently now, if you knew for sure it will all work out for the best? What if this happening right now that seems like the worst thing in the world was actually the very best thing that could have happened to you?
You’d be relaxed, happy, not worrying about "what if" and "what could have been".
Oh, Elizabeth. I know it’s so hard to see any of this right now; I couldn’t see it either when I was in your situation.
But when it happens (and it will!) you’re going to look back on all of this and see it in such a different light. Live your life operating from that mindset, not from any other. We all have our powerful subconscious belief systems that tell us it’s supposed to be one way or another or otherwise not at all.
Most of us have a view of love and all the good things that go along with it that operates out of a sense of scarcity instead of abundance. Those are all things each of us has to confront and overcome.
And even though it’s hard, and we all want it to be easier, there’s so much here for you along the way, not just culminating at your destination. There’s gold in the journey. In discovering what you don’t want, and, more importantly, in getting so clear on what you do want, it can't help but reach out at every opportunity to find you.
That’s your path, Elizabeth.
Start with the first thing that seems like freedom and happiness to you and head towards it. When you get there, check in with yourself again and find your next step from where you are then. Do the same with the next step and the next. That’s how any of us get to any place worth getting to.
You don’t have to know what the whole journey will be. It’s all about going as far as you can see right now, today, and then taking each next step, one at a time. Just like so many of us who couldn't see the way through our tears, you'll get there. The irony, of course, is that you're already there.
I hope this helps!
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Do you have any other thoughts, or words of advice or encouragement to help Elizabeth through her heartbreak? Share them with us below in the comments!
HI Elizabeth,
All of us commenting has been where you are right now. I promise you, you are stronger than you know and within no time you will be bouncing back within your usual smile and you will look back and ask yourself " what was i thinking". To let go is to forgive yourself and him. You don't have to tell him face to face or within an email, but in your soul tell yourself "I'm letting you go". Remember we are where we are suppose to be. We are fond of telling ourselves it was waisted years, but it was not. Everything what happened or what was said was preparing you of what is still to come in your life. Take the good and bad situations and see what you have learnt from it and how you can use it to make you a stronger, wiser and a happier person.
All the best in love and life.
Joy
Hi Elizabeth, I was in a similar relationship from 2009 to 2013. It was on and off throughout those time. Although I was strong and learned so much about myself I was able to look at "x" with respect. He was dealing with difficulties with himself as well. So I know it wasn't all me.
Our mistake is we never talked about relationship. We just let it happen. It was honestly the best, most alive, time of my life. I loved him. But we both were afraid to say "I wish you could do, a, b or c"... in fear of losing him or me. We had a hidden understanding. In 2013 I ended it because it was not letting us be the way we were when things were good, which was 2010 to 2012.
I miss him so much right now and we have flirted since 2013. He knows I love him but he won't be adult and say "I would like to "try" to be a couple"... He actually contacted me in October 2016 to ask me questions about "we"... meaning us as a couple. I responded and then let it go. I didn't hear from him other than through drama that was displayed on Facebook and told him to "stay the fuq away from me".
Are you sure he has a girlfriend? If so, it won't last. My guy did the same thing and they left him because he wanted something like what we had. Once they started with more commitment signs too early he would push them aside and they left him. It was alway short term.
What were the issues he had with you? You don't list them here so I wonder if you aren't accepting your faults being with him. Was it constructive criticism or childish expectations?
Were you happy where you lived, where he is? If so, I will say, never leave a home / area because of a guy. Never. Especially that far away.
If you are at home at your new location, congratulations and give yourself some time to heal. Do not date. You are young.. Be with yourself, live in your home / area and learn about your new life. Do not look for another guy... not yet. You will know when it is time to start dating.
Good Luck!!
I've experienced a few relationships like this. Here's the thing, they ALL come back in and out your life to suit them. One guy I dated 10 years ago STILL emails or messages me every so often. I dated a guy very similar to him last year, and the same scenario from him.
Here's the thing, Mr 10 years ago asked me to meet around a year ago to talk as he still felt bad for the way he treated me. Now, I've moved on from him, I wouldn't want to be with him again, yet he's still thinking about it after all this time. He apologised for things I don't even remember, so again, he's still thinking about all these things that are not affecting me in any way.
This made me see how pathetic and sad he is. He can't put himself into a relationship still, and is so confused by it, so eaten up over it. But I'm not like that, and neither are you, we can give love, and are open to a relationship. And that's the difference. We will move on, and we will find someone who can love us in a way that we deserve. These men won't. They'll continue to have relationships and mess them up, over and over again.
The more he gets in touch, the more you see how desperate HE seems, the more you'll realise you deserve better.
This is such a brilliant response - spot on! Pity him because you have something he doesn't: the capacity to love, and that is what will soon enough mean you look back on this whole relationship and think, "Thank god I'm not still there". Read the book Men Who Can't Love if you want some insight into what's up with him; it's a sorry tale but very helpful for us women who get into relationships with emotionally unavailable men.
I love this information. I ve been in a relationship with a guy for two years. Often he would shut himself off not answering my calls. He is a workaholic. He don't open up ,he won't communicate. We attended college together and he appeared nerdy and charming..I have axcess to his home and I found out he was addicted to porn when I was cleaning his room. Not to mention he has no male friends. The only two friends that he has are females. I became good friends with his sister and she revealed to me that when their mother was dieing he often would tune her out the same way he dose to me and her. Often his sister's would call him and he would look at the phone and wouldn't answer. He is very stubborn over some of the most silliest things. He s burned several bridges including no talking to his brothers in over 20 years and he has have over eight jobs this past year some of which he would quit without notice being a no call no show. I have had several people ask what do I see in him. I had geared off from dating for over 13 years including not having sex. I became sexual active with him believing he would become my husband. Since day one he has shown that he can not remain emotionally connected to our relationship , he won't share his deep feelings with me, and when I ask him a serious question about our relationship he responds with sarcasm. Even though I have keys to his house and keys to his cars. I think it's a way to keep me believing he wants me as his wife. Even his sister has told me to walk away because he needs help and he don't deserve me. Often he lacks empathy ,show no emotions and can be very selfishness mean and heartless. His porn addiction is something he thinks is not a problem and he refuse to talk about it. I found over 100 porn CD in an album. He keeps a jar of vasaline on his night stand that's nearly emptied. I think his porn addiction has been going on for decades , this would explain his hearing lost and memory problems and his erectile disfunction. I got in this relationship breaking my relationship with God. I hate that I ve fallen in love with someone who is truly sick. He doesn't talk much about his father, or his brothers. What I do know is that something happened to them. He had his father's name and when he turned 18 he changed his name. His brother who he doesn't talk to changed his last name. Then there's the idea of him being jealous of me,which his sister believes. On many occasions he had shown his dislike about my bubbly outgoing personality. I know he needs help , I m very energetic and he gets agitated because I have energy like a teenager . I m in my fouties and he is 52. He never tell s me he loves me ,don't buy me flowers or any gifts or surprises. In my stupid mind , I was thinking that if he s with a loving and patient and empathetic person this will make him change. Then second , having keys to his house and both cars makes me think he needs me and wants a future with me. I often get upset about two years of my life wasted , an especially damaging my relationship with God. I ve told him to seek out help and find someone to professional to talk to ,maybe it's something from his childhood that lingers. Not to mention his passive aggressive traits. He refused to go if I don't go with him. Call me crazy but his last two girlfriend's one got a nice trip and the other got a ring, and it upsets me that after two years I got nothing. There's so much more to this crazy story. Recently I started a boot camp program hoping to lose 10 pounds. I swear it's like the light bulb in my brain turned. One week after starting, I called and I told him that I ve always been a generous, loving , forgiving and hopeful person. I told him with the new coming year I no longer want this relationship, nor to I care about a trip or a silly ring, knowing your worth and loving yourself is the greatest love of all. I also told him that I forgive him and I need to do to work at forgiving meself. Some how I lost me and I need to do the work in finding and refining me. I blocked him from any access to me and I mailed him all his key. Even though I damaged my relationship with God. God was still showing me mercy and favor to walk away. I also started journal writing a week ago and when I get in low place thinking of him I will write out those feelings, and distract myself by doing push ups. I just want to keep walking away from this mess as if it never existed. Please any advice?
wow I love the part where you say you will try distracting yourself by doing push ups. big ups to you Vickey for being able to walk away while you still can, keep walking and never look back, you were never in a relationship with this guy you just liked the idea of being in a relationship.. all the best and God will bless you with a passionate and loving man who will see your worth and make you his wife one day.
I'm 67. It's never too late to let go. My life is not a tragedy despite the fact that I held on in an unhealthy way for so many years. How could I let go of what I thought was the only love available to me? There has been much joy and happiness in my long life despite the fact that I have not had a healthy relationship with a man. I can see that now. I am becoming the woman I was created to be. My heart is open again. I've learned so much here at Getting To True Love. Thank you, Elizabeth, for telling your story.
Exactly, Ella. We only hold on because we have a reason! Love getting this update from you. And I'm so glad that however you found your way here, that you did. Thank you for sharing and being a beautiful part of this community!
I connected to your story. I am there right now. The pain is there, but hang on to the hope of what is yet to come.
How my heart goes out to you, LA, whatever your specific circumstances may be. I wish the same for you!
I'd like to bet he'll still come back at some point in the future and try to hook you back in. He doesn't want to commit to you, but he won't want to fully let you go either. It hurts, but imagine this: you could easily be waiting another 10 years with this ex -- imagine how you'd feel to be in the last year of your THIRTIES and still not married and still no children. Then you'd truly lose all hope. And he'd still be telling you 101 reasons why he can't commit and why it's all your fault (never his!). You still have plenty of time to meet the right guy and have kids. Thank your lucky stars you got out now and not when you are 39!
Exactly, Stephanie! It's always so hard to see this when we're in the thick of it, but oh how right you are!
Believe me Elizabeth you will be fine i have been where you are right now but i found the strength to move on with my life just hang in there all will be well.I was married for twenty two years my husband left me and moved in with another woman you can imagine the pain i felt that he moved on so quickly and a year later they had a daughter whilst i was still hoping that one day he was going to come back.After that i made up my mind that i was not going to focus on him coming back i focused on moving on i read so many articles and listened to so many sermons that inspired me that is my advise to you let go he doesn't deserve you move on and one day you will find someone who will love you for who you are.
One more thing forgive him so that you may heal dont waste your energy on being angry with him because you are giving away your power,lift up your head and show him that you will be fine.
I'm so sorry for what you've been through, Masuka. It's no wonder you understand. Thank you for sharing, and for your words of advice for Elizabeth. When you've been there, you can empathize like few others can.