One of our beautiful readers from all the way over in Northern Europe is heart broken over a guy she fell hard for, who was acting like he's in a relationship with her, but then said he only wants to be friends.
Here's her story:
Hey Jane!
I am a young woman from Sweden that needs your advice. I have been asking loads of people for advice but it doesn't seem to match with what I am trying to tell them, in other words, the advice is not helping me anywhere.
Like most of your emails, this is about me and another person. This person is one odd guy that I've known for quite some time now (almost A year).
I met him right after when I broke up with my boyfriend that I was supposed to get engaged to, but we went through some issues and went separate ways. Right after that, probably one week afterwards, I met this wonderful, innocent and caring guy over social media.
We didn't speak constantly or keep up every day but when we did, everything felt so good between us. After 2 months I started developing small feelings and I started wondering why, since I haven't met him (yet) or spoken to him face to face.
Then we went out the movies and we had a good time, me and him, with my friends. He said he liked it but he was really shy so I couldn't tell much.
Weeks pass by and we both started talking nonstop and eventually we both fell for each other.
Now here comes the plot, I travelled to England and we kept speaking almost every second of the day, but we were missing each other too much though we never met. Me and him become so close that we started sharing secrets and things like that.
I got to know more, one of the things were that he's never had a girlfriend, never kissed anyone or anything like that.
At all.
I was the first that showed him interest and he actually made it clear that he was doing the exact same until one day when I said out of the blue that I had feelings for him, which was too early for me. He instantly backed off and told me straight away "I have feelings for you too but I only love you like a friend."
I didn't quite understand his saying but I didn't let that come in the way. I was so blind by the way he was treating me when we went out and met that I totally forgot that he didn't mean anything serious.
I fell in love, hard. He didn't.
We started arguing every day because I was getting jealous when other girls gave him attention, commenting his social media etc. It was so heart breaking for me since my last boyfriend cheated on me. I just wanted someone to actually want me but this guy didn't need me that much.
We both hurt each other and he came to a conclusion. That we should stop seeing each other and doing things together. ( By this time we had met and hung around a little.) I was so heartbroken, I couldn't cope with that.
We lost connection for a few moments, and every time we tried to fix it we only made it worse the next time we argued.
I was so in love.
I don't understand why he couldn't just tell me from the beginning that he didn't want me in a relationship kind of way? I was being so obvious with everything, I even told close friends about him. I just don't understand what his problem is.
I did everything and more. (I didn't include everything since most things are private.) We stopped saying good morning and keeping up and slowly but surely, we lost the connection.
The love and the caring were gone, the positivity turned into negativity and we just stopped doing everything we used to do. The second last time I saw him he told me that he doesn't want to ruin my life or me ruining his.
So I gave up.
Now we are regular friends again and we meet now and then, but the problem is that when we see each other or when we speak, we speak as if we were in a relationship. He shows me all these signs that he have interest in me but it doesn't show if it is 100% true.
What I wan't to know is what I should do to not get into that hole again where we argue again and stop talking then start all over again?
I mean, he knows my love for him and he knows I care. For him I have stopped being so sweet and tried to show him the "friendzone" but it only hurts me. I don't have the heart to leave, but I also don't have the heart to stop with what we are doing.
I am concerned that I will never be able to get with him, because of his mixed signals. I feel like I never will be able to go on without knowing that he's someone I have interest in and that he could be "The right one". I want him so much but I can't deal with this. I want to know what I could do to help ME and not to get him.
I know our chances are small but still.
Jane, can you help me?
- Cherry
My Response:
Hi Cherry! I’m so glad you reached out to me.
Hello to you all the way to Sweden – I love seeing how many places in the world we connect here in our little corner of the internet!
I absolutely can help you, by first reminding you of something that you never want to do, because doing this can only hurt you. If you're concerned about getting "right back into that hole", the fastest way to do exactly that is to not be honest with yourself about what you can live with and what you can't.
You can't help but argue and fight and have so much negativity when your own needs aren't being met, when you’re not being true to yourself, and when you're feeling like you're compromising who you actually are for what you're seeing he wants you to be!
You see, there's a reason he's giving you all these mixed signals.
He’s got mixed thoughts about all of this relationship stuff beyond the safe confines of a mere friendship. He doesn't know what he wants, he doesn't know what he's looking for, and he probably has no idea why. He’s simply doing what works for him and what he’s most comfortable with.
It’s about him, not you.
The whole point of being in a relationship – whether it’s a friendship or more – is to get to know someone better. It's to find out more about what someone's really like, to find out whether the two of you are actually compatible.
If you are, then you'll find that out gradually, naturally over time, over the course of getting to know him better. But if you're not being true to yourself; if you have to compromise on who you actually are by turning off your usual sweet self, or proving to him you can do the friendzone, you're not going to find out just how compatible the real you is with him!
It's by being yourself that you find out about true compatibility.
So rather than looking at this as how can you make sure he stays with you, that he doesn't leave you, that you keep the relationship going and it doesn't become awkward or filled with negativity and arguments, look instead and what any of this is telling you.
You're going to be so much better off finding out now if the two of you aren't compatible, rather than finding out down the road when the reality of who both of you are comes through. Save yourself that heartbreak when you've built that many more of your beautiful hopes and dreams on someone who doesn't share them with you, who doesn't want the same thing, and isn't on the same page as you.
Don't be afraid of finding that out now. Don't run from what's real, simply because you so want it to be something else.
Let it be what it is.
That's the only way to be happy. That's the only way to honor your true self. There is so much more to life and love than being with someone whose terms you can't live with in the hopes that they might be "the one".
Watch, observe, look at what his behavior and his actions tell you when you're being your true self. That's how you'll know everything you need to know.
Don't be afraid to find out what's really there. This is when everyone's on their best behavior. If this is as good as it gets – and it relies on you being something you're not – is that really going to be enough for you?
How do you help you? By focusing on you, Cherry.
By not taking any of his behaviors personally. By giving him space to be himself, to show you in that space what he’s made of – and what he’s not. And most of all, by being your true self.
That's what matters more than anything else! Because if you can't be your true, authentic self with someone you're in a relationship with – whether it be a friendship or something more – then why would you want to be with that person at all?
Your chances are only as big or small as both people in a relationship want them to be. Remember that part. It's not about fate or chance – it’s about whether both people want what has the potential to be to actually be!
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
Twin souls
Give him subtle signs that you can't be his friend like if he wants to hang out with you in a group just say no and if he still won't take a hint tell him you can't be his friend anymore better yet just tell him you can't be friends with him anymore
Terrible thing to grieve a almost relationship , I hope you move on before it's too late better to love yourself then love someone who keeps telling you they love you but just as a friend only you will never get him the way you want! you are safe to him having you but not wanting you as it should be don't compromise I was willing but he was not able to compromise he wanted a man !
Mine was a long distance relationship also sometimes he made me feel he was in love with me but after a year I finally knew I woke up we were friends before but there was a connection he even said it lost connect for a while reconnected told him how I felt then he dropped the bomb shell believe me leave now before you waste your time like I did too late now to start a family holding on to pipe dream!! I'm 46 years old sometimes love blinds you !
He is gay ! Same thing happen to me , stop thinking he is going to love you the way you love him , after a year of crying over this I finally understand that he will never love me I got the" I love you as a. Friend" they say love is love( bull) he wanted a man not me please move on you are a nice person and young it's not too late for you don't waste time unlike men woman only have a small window to have family !
I think this stroy is also a good example of how important it is to really keep our eyes and ears open when dealing with men and really pick up and notice the crucial signs to avoid misunderstandings and disappointments. Us, women, we tend to live in our fantasy world. Since childhood we were exposed to numerous fairy tale, where Prince Charming would always come at the end and make things perfect and even frogs ended up being handsome princes sometimes. Although there is a bit of a truth in every fairytale, we need once in a while tell ourselves "Wake up, Cinderella, you do not live in a fairytale (at least not yet)". In other words, it is OK to dream for as long as we do not totally lose all touch with reality.
So in the current story the lady points out how the first time she met her crush in a group setting and he appeared to be very shy. Of course when we see a guy that we like, who seems a bit reluctant we just assume he must be shy, right? And he well might be, but it is also good to keep it mind that he might look shy for some reason, or at least remember that he did not do anything yet to clearly demonstrate his interest, so assuming that he certainly likes us, just feels too shy isn't a safe assumption, or at least the kind of assumption that needs to be further tested.
So what she says next is something like " Weeks passed by and we talk to each other non stop and eventually we fell for each other. I travelled to England and we missed each other so much, although we never met." Ugh? So weeks passed by and all they do is talk to each other? Never meet face to face? Never go on dates? No kisses and those things? I personally get very frustrated and disappointed in this situation. I spend my time talking to the guy and he us all talk no action? Well, he is obviously not into me then, or at least not into me the way I want him to be. Bye-bye Mr. talk, here's a block button. Why would I care for what you have to say if you never asked me on an actual date? But the girl in this story makes an assumption instead that they both fell madly in love! How did she come to this conclusion? Did they have an actual talk about their actual feelings for each other? Apparently not, because that talk did not happen until much later, when she revealed herself that she liked him and she did not get the response she wanted because, she assumes again it was too soon. In my opinion if she wanted to date the guy, she should have figured it out a bit sooner that he had zero intention of asking her out on a date and therefore she had nothing to lose. She should have hinted him that she was hoping to get a date, and if he does not pick up the obvious hint, then we'll, he is obviously hopeless/clueless, but talking about feelings before you have even been on a date is probably most definitely too soon. How can he know if he has feelings for you if you have never ever even being together once on a date as a couple? How can you assume he must be madly in love with you if he never even asked you on a date, although you gave him every chance to overcome his supposed shyness by hanging on the Web with him non stop for weeks?The guy is apparently not interested. Maybe he believes he is too young to date, maybe gay, in either case, move on! It is high time.
I've had to learn this lesson the hard way. When a person says they do not want to be in a relationship with you, take it for what it is, cut your losses right then and there and RUN!!! Fast, in another direction.
If you start thinking the following, please find the nearest friend and have them slap you.
1. If I just change (insert stupid thought here) this about myself, he'll want me.
2. If I just do (insert request here) he'll love me.
3. If I just wait for his feelings to develop over time, he'll love me and we'll be together.
4. If I don't answer the phone for a few days and make him miss me he'll realize how great I am and he'll love me.
5. If I tell him another man is interested he'll love me and come fighting for me.
6. If I just wait him out for (insert years) then he'll want to be with me.
OK. I've been here too many times with several different men. None of these things ever worked out for me. So these are tried and true failures. Don't follow my bad example. The first mistake I made with these clowns was believing that somehow I wasn't enough, when really, I was too much for them. None of them were mature enough to handle what I had to offer.
I've been dealing with one for about a year, and I told him to just leave me alone (of course he does not want to) but he also just wants to call me his buddy ol pal. Really. No dice here buddy. We've done too much together, (way too much) but really he just wants to have it both ways. Not in my world. At first, I felt like I needed to change myself physically, thinking that was the reason he did not want to commit.
We went somewhere together, and everywhere we walked, men were telling me how beautiful I was, women too. I felt like a star, yet, he refused to acknowledge it. He even looked taken back by all the attention I was getting. Which proved to me that he is the problem not me. He even joked about how men were staring at me when I wasn't even looking. He tells me all the time how smart he thinks I am, told me he loves me, told me he misses me, we've been intimate, we've been out together, I mean you name it we've been there. Cooked for each other, did projects together, made money together, worked through tragedy together, there are men who ask him what his problem is because they know what kind of woman I am, yet, he still wants to do what he wants to do. This proves that no matter how great you are, if he does not want to commit, you can't make him or convince him. Why would you want to anyway. I mean really, he is NOT that special. You're just making him that way. Men love that kind of power.
Don't let him choose twice! If he chooses not to be in a relationship, it's now your choice to remain friends or not. You have to do what's best for you. But trust me, being in a friendship with someone you love the other way is emotional torture. It's feeling rejection over and over and over and over again. Don't allow anyone that kind of power over you. Holding on to this friendship is not worth your emotional health.
Leave it alone. You CAN do better. And he is NOT the end all be all.
My comment about all of this is that ...
Double WOW! Awesome, observations and sound advice from everyone about the "excuses" used .... like .... "I don't know what I want."
and... Ladies .. Yes ... it still happens no matter what the "age" is!
I mean... "Really? ... You're how old? What .... 50 somethin'.... 60 somethin' and you haven't figured that out yet??!!" " B....s...!!!"
Bottom line, it has nothing AT ALL to do with the "what" ... he absolutely knows that! It's the "who" that's the issue. Even then, it's pretty clear .... it's not me!!!
Thank you Ladies, for keeping me moving forward.
Thank you for reminding me ... reinforcing my own belief more and more as I journey on ...
There is a role for everyone I meet. Some will test me. Some will use me. Some will love me. Some will teach me. Some will stay. Some will leave. The ones that are truly important to me are the ones that bring out the best in me and come in when the whole world has gone out. They are the rare, amazing people who remind me ... WHY it's ALL worth it!! I am blessed!!!
And .... in case you haven't been told lately:
You are loved.
You are important.
You matter.
Hugs!!
🙂
Zmistsc
I love the last part of what you said. I'm so stealing and sharing that!
"There is a role for everyone I meet. Some will test me. Some will use me. Some will love me. Some will teach me. Some will stay. Some will leave. The ones that are truly important to me are the ones that bring out the best in me and come in when the whole world has gone out. They are the rare, amazing people who remind me ... WHY it's ALL worth it!! I am blessed!!!"
Hi Jane
I have a situation that I do not know what to do. I am in love with someone we were in a relationship and I ended it because he was not as committed as I was to the relationship. My problem is that i am unable to let go i still love him so much and because he knows this he plays on my emotions. Giving me mixed feelings when we are amongst his friends he acts as if he cares making me believe that he feels the same way about me. I keep phoning him everyday expressing my feeling but he keeps giving me mixed feelings. This is really frustrating as I am unable to move on because I love him so much and just cannot seem to move on. I phone I even take him out for supper yet he does nothing for me. He is so cold towards me sometimes then he pretends in front of people and even calls my his girlfriend. I don't know how to handle this situation i sometimes just wish I can forget him and move on yet it is so difficult. He has hurt me so many times even now he says he doesn't love me but I am still holding on hoping he will change his mind and that he will eventually love me as much as I love him. I really cannot handle this pain I ahve prayed and asked God to please take away this pain but it is there even though I try to fight this feeling and say I will not phone him I always end up phoning him missing him and wanting t hear his voice. He shows no interest and has moved on with his life. Having fun enjoying himself and here am I pining for someone that very seldom picks up the phone to call me. It truly hurts I hope you will be able to assist me as i am tired of making a fool of myself. I need to let go but it is so difficult.
First off Marlene, men do know what they want. Men do know what they want they want they just want you to think that they don't. The guy is showing mix signals because he wants his cake and eat it too. He wants you to stick around as a safety net for when he can't get the woman he really wants. As long as you keep sticking around for his needs you lose all respect the little he does have for you which is pretty small. When a man tells you he doesn't want you it isn't a test he isn't playing hard to get, it means he doesn't want you. If he says he doesn't want a relationship it means he doesn't want one with you. Trust a woman who is a queen, confident with the right mix of looks and personality will be able to scoop your dude up with ease no matter how many I'm not ready for that excuses she throws at him. Kings go to war for queens. boys give girls excuses. Women with low self esteem love it when a man tells her shes not good enough, it makes her fight even harder to show that man that she deserves him. All she does is end up playing herself because dude told you he didn't want you but you took it as a challenge. real love isn't mix signals. Lady move on. He wants a relationship just not with you. Sorry. The truth hurts.
Girl please. Your post wasn't terrible until the "a real queen will scoop up your man with ease" drama. Stop acting petty. No woman is all that special, especially some "queen" who lowers herself to steal some other woman's man. Real talk instead of falseb bravado: women and men fall for each other (or not) for many different reasons, just because an individual chooses one person over another doesn't mean that other individual is somehow less of a person for not being a good fit for that person. Love is complex and the last thing we should be doing is victim blaming, telling other women that they don't measure up. We all have a match out there for us--multiple matches even, over the course of a lifetime.
Dear Cherry,
Heartache is a terrible state ; I should know, I was there for 5 years. But, his behavior is a Red Flag. His inconsistency is a game at your expense. My biggest concern is the arguing & fighting. I did that with my old boyfriend, who didn't even call me his girlfriend for 5 years. I tried to convince him we were special together, he just took & took & never reciprocated. He was careless with my heart & criticized me unnecessarily, berated me into a depressive state. He even tried to convince me hanging out with other women was innocent. My advice to you is block your phone & move on. You are there for his convenience when he wants and that is all. He's probably a Narcissist, a toxic bully, skilled at using Gaslighting Techniques on you, making you think your perception is wrong, who has to be in control and who pulls a fit if he doesn't get his way. He will keep you on a string forever, IF you let him. He's not capable of loving you the way you need to be cared for and respected and it will mess with your head & hurt your heart beyond recognition. Close the door with him..... Choose Life! Be happy, enjoy other things and people. You don't deserve this treatment. Don't walk , run!
With Love,
Marlene
Yessss!!!!!!!!!!! So right on!!!!!!!
I feel that there is a silent oppression that women are still being subjected too. There is a culture of lack of accountability with men and how they respond to a woman's feelings. It's amazing how so many times men say that women have got it wrong and read their signals incorrectly when they have taken us to the point of almost relationships.
The worst thing is grieving an almost relationship. Where your feelings, character and self worth have been damaged and you have nothing to show for it. You weren't exactly in a relationship but it looked like a relationship, sounded like a relationship but it wasn't a relationship. Then going forward you are no longer sure what a relationship actually looks like because your view becomes polluted with what is comfortable for him. You begin to question yourself and this leads to feelings of guilt and then you become stuck in this rut of guilt and heartbreak.
Ladies I say that we empower ourselves that we do the PICK, CHOOSE and REFUSE that we have become the recipient's of. That we fall so completely, madly and deeply in love with ourselves that when the next chancer arrives, we are strong and secure within ourselves to see through what's comfortable for him to what's good for me..
I personally am tired of sacrificing my life, happiness and time by taking a chance on those who won't take a chance on me.
So like I've read Jane saying "Take a chance on you, on your dreams and on your happiness" and that's what I am doing
These tables could be turned and you could be with the perfect man for you but still be unhappy because we don't know who we are as women and as people.
So lets stop making it about those men who will never have the character to be more than mere moment in our story.
Their problems and insecurities are their's and not ours. The guilt that you are feeling can work both ways . You are also entitled to have an opinion about him and how you find his behaviour, games and disregard for your humanity unacceptable.
If he can't see you for the treasure you are don't stick around there go and be with the man who celebrates you and loves you.
It's always about you.You are important, you are perfect and your mere presence on this plant means that you are enough because you matter.
Yes!!!!!!!!!!!! Great, great great great (did I say great) advice!!!
It's a game. These vultures know what they're doing. Get you right in a vulnerable area where they can get what they want, call it what they want, and use you until they tackle the next victim and then make it seem like you're the one with the issue because God forbid, you fell in love with who the pretended to be.
In my opinion, someone who makes you feel guilty in some way for falling for them must not have much self worth themselves. Anyone who would continue to hurt you just to have you around on their terms is a miserable, selfish individual and will end up hurting more women because they are broken and hurt.
Women deal with too much, compromise too much, give wayyy to much for a lot of pain and nothingness. We do the most just to end up right back at square one.
So yes, fall in love with yourself, you'll never disappoint you.
So on point!!
My ex is definitely still hurt from past rejections from his ex who he was besotted with... he only toys with women now to feed his ego and self esteem which has been damaged.
Success is another known aphrodisiac in men. Try to show him that you value his skills and achievements, or better yet, try to involve in some project, where you could succeed together. You can start a project as friends, and finish it up as a properly bonded committed couple if it goes well. Men relate through doing, not through talking. You can tell him 100 times about how you feel, and he won't get it. But if you can do something together and get great results that may speak to a guy louder then words ( or even naked pictures).
Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!! Don't ever get involved in projects, especially involving money, with a man you have feelings for. That's the WORST advice. You want the ability to cut things when you're ready and not have things lingering because of a project. She needs to cut ties, it's never going to get any easier.
I know a lot of times friends and relatives would recommend us to cut all the communications with a good guy just because he us not ready to commit, prefers somebody else or not on the same page with us on some issue. I have always wondered why. To finally stop all the stressful fights? To feel better about ourselves? Maybe. But there are other ways to stop fights and feel good about ourselves, the kind of ways that do not make us permanently lose a good friend or lover. Seriously, those councellors, who akways recommend a total and permanent break-up as the bwst solution to every problem are like doctors, who prescride guillotine as the best remedy for every headache. Brrr...I would certainly advise to avoid such doctors (and such councellors. Perhapse they want all the great guys for themselves). OK, perhapse he is not giving you 100% of what you want. But he is still giving you something that you may value. As for a guy who only sees you as a friend, but does not want to be romantically involved there are a few things that you may try.
1. Do not hang out or hand on the phone with him for too long. Make him miss you a bit. Putting a bit of a distance can heighten romantic interest.
2. Take a look at what you look like. Maybe do a little make-over to get a more feminine look.
3. Do not pressure him for commitment or poor your heart out too much. Try to keep it light and a bit flirty for a while. Tell him you also want to be friends( it is true to a certain extend, cause why would you want to pressure him into something he sdies not want and have constant fights? You rather just keep his friendship, right?), but keep flirting a little bit and see how he responds. If his reaction is positive, keep doing it. If negative you may need to stop and realize that he really can only be just a friend ( which us not so bad after all).
4. You can also try and flirt a bit with another guy in his presenceSince he us not your man you have every right to flirt with other guys, right? See how he reacts to that. Does it make him look jealous? Or ask for his advice about that other great guy you date (casually). Since he wants to be only a friebd, he should be more then happy to help, right? And if he's not then that should give you a clue that perhaps he wants to be a bit more then just a friend. So keep going. You are on the right track.
5. Tell him that you are thinking of permanently moving to England or some other far away place. See how that makes him feel. Perhaps the fear of losing you permanently will heighten his romantic interest.
6. Ask him to see horror movies or go on a roller coaster rides with him. This is something friends do, right? Grab his hand during the most frightening moment. Fear in general is known to heightren romantic feelings in men. And gentle touch can do wonders if chemistry is there.
7. Try to think if there are any objective reasons that may prevent him from getting married with you. What reasons could there be? IDK, he is your friend, you know him, try to keep your eyes and your ears open, listen to what he says. Maybe it is something that you can fix, or maybe it is not. As they say:"God, give me strength to change what can be changed, tolerance to accept what can not be changed and brains to see the difference." Maybe you are a good fit, it us just the timing that is not right, or the relationship did not develop properly. In that case the previous steps should help. Or maybe you are just not made for each other. In that case do not worry, he isn't the last man in Earth. In fact there is at least a billion more, so you can find better.
Playing games is never a good place to start. To be in a healthy relationship with a person who is write for you, you don't have to follow any steps that are not your true self.
If a man says he's not interested, he's to be taken at his word and be left alone.
You start by choosing men who are interested in you and who show it. It's easier and much healthier. Teen make over movies are never a good depiction of a healthy dynamic.
Life is too short and has many great things to it to be strategizing to get someone to like you. You don't want someone who doesn't want you.
The reason walking away is better is because it makes your life easier and believe me, being around someone you're in love with but who doesn't love you the same way is fundamentally damaging. It erodes your sense of self worth and your confidence. No matter how you slice it, it will get you eventually. True honest friendship cannot really flourish when one party is not on that page. True friendship doesn't mix romantic feelings or sexual attraction in any of the parties.
Nina, I like what you said ,disagree with some suggestions, but some I might used them personally.
I think like you this old idea of cutting cords with a guy that wants to stay friend is like blaming him for his behaviour, and taking no responsibility for our own feelings... try and find another guy and see if you ladies do not get he same results the change is on you I am afraid , I am in this position now I met a man went to fast but we never s he wants now friendship and intimacy hahah got it he is scared he does not know me deeply but keen, so I am totally keen I think he is adorable sweet but I need to know him in deep not gonna block this possibility .
I know a lot of times friends and relatives would recommend us to cut all the communications with a good guy just because he us not ready to commit, prefers somebody else or not on the same page with us on some issue. I have always wondered why. To finally stop all the stressful fights? To feel better about ourselves? Maybe. But there are other ways to stop fights and feel good about ourselves, the kind of ways that do not make us permanently lose a good friend or lover. Seriously, those councellors, who akways recommend a total and permanent break-up as the bwst solution to every problem are like doctors, who prescride guillotine as the best remedy for every headache. Brrr...I would certainly advise to avoid such doctors (and such councellors. Perhapse they want all the great guys for themselves). OK, perhapse he is not giving you 100% of what you want. But he is still giving you something that you may value. As for a guy who only sees you as a friend, but does not want to be romantically involved there are a few things that you may try.
1. Do not hang out or hand on the phone with him for too long. Make him miss you a bit. Putting a bit of a distance can heighten romantic interest.
2. Take a look at what you look like. Maybe do a little make-over to get a more feminine look.
3. Do not pressure him for commitment or poor your heart out too much. Try to keep it light and a bit flirty for a while. Tell him you also want to be friends( it is true to a certain extend, cause why would you want to pressure him into something he sdies not want and have constant fights? You rather just keep his friendship, right?), but keep flirting a little bit and see how he responds. If his reaction is positive, keep doing it. If negative you may need to stop and realize that he really can only be just a friend ( which us not so bad after all).
4. You can also try and flirt a bit with another guy in his presenceSince he us not your man you have every right to flirt with other guys, right? See how he reacts to that. Does it make him look jealous? Or ask for his advice about that other great guy you date (casually). Since he wants to be only a friebd, he should be more then happy to help, right? And if he's not then that should give you a clue that perhaps he wants to be a bit more then just a friend. So keep going. You are on the right track.
5. Tell him that you are thinking of permanently moving to England or some other far away place. See how that makes him feel. Perhaps the fear of losing you permanently will heighten his romantic interest.
6. Ask him to see horror movies or go on a roller coaster rides with him. This is something friends do, right? Grab his hand during the most frightening moment. Fear in general is known to heightren romantic feelings in men. And gentle touch can do wonders if chemistry is there.
7. Try to think if there are any objective reasons that may prevent him from getting married with you. What reasons could there be? IDK, he is your friend, you know him, try to keep your eyes and your ears open, listen to what he says. Maybe it is something that you can fix, or maybe it is not. As they say:"God, give me strength to change what can be changed, tolerance to accept what can not be changed and brains to see the difference." Maybe you are a good fit, it us just the timing that is not right, or the relationship did not develop properly. In that case the previous steps should help. Or maybe you are just not made for each other. In that case do not worry, he isn't the last man in Earth.
It's all about being on the same page, Nina. "In that case, do not worry, he isn't the last man on Earth." - Exactly! Only in our own minds is this ever the actual case!
I'm sorry. I have to disagree. Playing mind games or trying to change herself to get him to like her is exactly what she should not be doing. No one should have to go through all of that. He knows who she is, how she feels and what she wants. He just wants the benefit of her with no commitment. I just came from a situation just like it. It's emotionally taxing. Every woman deserves to be loved just as she is, flaws and all. There's no amount of making over that a woman can do to make a man see her real value. It's almost as if we're assuming it's her who has the problem instead of him. Maybe it's his issues, his hang ups, his inability to love her the way she deserves. Just because he decided to friendzone her does not make her inadequate. That's how we women read that all the time. She's just fine how she is and being who she is, period. If he wants something or someone else, then OK, fine. He needs to move on and leave her alone. It's selfish. If you know someone loves you differently than you love them, to hold on and continue to give them false hope because you like having them around is cruel. I've been the other person in this situation before. And you know what? I knew this guy loved me for years. But I knew at that time in my life, I wasn't ready to give him the relationship he wanted from me. I, the female, wanted to play the field and I felt like he would want to lock me down and I wasn't ready. I was honest with him, I told him the deal, and instead of breaking his heart over and over and over again with this friendship I knew he wanted to be more, I let him go and allowed him to find a woman who was ready for the commitment I couldn't give him. He's married now and really happy. I'm glad that I made that decision, or I could have damaged this man just trying to keep him around until I was ready to settle down. I had too much of a conscious to do that to him. He was a good guy and deserved more. This man, should know better. Don't change who you are for a man, change for yourself if you want to, but not because it's going to make you more attractive for any guy. She's already enough for the man who is suitable for her.
Right on, Wise Chick!
I feel friends tend to give us the best advice, because they know us and they see the situation in a light that we can't see. I wouldn't judge that they are giving bad advice, but yet you are too in love to be ready to change and follow their advice.
Secondly, when we are in love we often don't listen to when a guy specifically tells us their feelings about us or their interest in a relationship. You stated that he said, "I have feelings for you too but I only love you like a friend.". Basically he enjoys your company, enjoys hanging out with you, but does not see you in a romantic way. - So he did tell you his expectations from the beginning, just in that guy way, that us ladies have a hard time hearing.
To answer your question, I would suggest moving on - cut all communication. Find someone who wants the same things you want - a relationship. This guy either isn't looking for a relationship, or again based on his statement, may just not be interested in having a relationship with you - sorry to sound so harsh. It's hard when we love someone, to move it into the friend zone. Being in love does not turn off like a light - it takes time.
Again, move on. Hang out with friends. Focus on you. In time you will forget him, or you will meet someone better and that will help you forget this guy. His loss - not yours.
Just don't waste anymore time on him. He may be the "right one" for you, but he has made it clear that you are not the right one for him.
Good luck!
Thank you for adding your perspective here, Portia. There is nothing quite like that feeling of being in love with someone that affects our ability to see reality so clearly.
What Jane replied is true. Just wanted to add some of my personal thoughts. Whenever a great guy tells me he only wants to be friends or he is not ready to committ or he loves me, but still wants to play the field, or can't get over some past relationship/ex/crush whatever, I try to look at the brighter side oF it. So he likes me ( or the nice Swedish girl in this case. Of cause he likes her, otherwise why would he be spending all this time with her), but he does not want to give up hus personal freedom. Great! I like him too and I love me and my freedom as well ( and even more). So his behavior tells me I can spend time with this great man, yet still see other men, just to check if there is someone better. Isn't it the best of both worlds? I of course there is someone better. There always is. Once I find him, my old friend will jump, and perhapse regret it that he did not lock me in before I found someone to replace him with. So do not waste your time. Accept things for as great as they are and start your search for a better man as soon as you can. Envision him, think of how and where you could meet him and get yourself out there. The sooner you find him, the sooner the weird guy will get it how much he lost.
Thank you for adding to the conversation, Nina. Above all else, we each have to do what works for us - and what we ourselves can live with!
Hi! Sometimes the truth but you need to accept it to move on, THIS MAN DO NOT WANT YOU AS IS GIRLFRIEND !!! And you know it, so the best thing you can do for yourself is to stop any contact you have with him and go on with your life instead of trying to convince a man to love u when he clearely told you he sees u as a friend!
Yes, Gladys. Acceptance of what actually is can be the hardest, most difficult thing of all!
Better use of your time and energy is to focus on those who are clear that its a relationship they want with you, not some ambiguous "friendship". Not honoring to yourself to be in mental chatter about this. When you are certain about someone they should be certain about you too, or else its a waste of time.
Exactly, Jackie. Thank you.
I have different view point here, my personal experience, does not sound he has rejected you, he is just scared and confused? sounds he he is keen, but he is not in love yet and maybe he will maybe not, I wonder if you feel the same are you sure you want a relationship? are you sure of your feelings? or you just keen maybe he is a nice guy and you want to get to know him to make sure that it can develop, can be scary to know someone that we feel attracted but if you got fast it can certainly damage the chances think if we are acting fast or not and good luck x
Such a waste of precious time!
Hi I have an old friend he says that he wants to stay with me what actually does he mean cause we separated for along time now we met