I hear these words from so many of you.
"But I don't want to have to!"
Whether you're talking about meeting new men, going to singles events, signing up for online dating, going to new places, finding your passions, following your interests, your response is so often the same.
We want it the easy way.
The way that said he was The One and your search was over.
The way that said that you didn't have to put yourself out there – again.
The way that had you imaging your future together and it felt so good!
The way that finally gave you the answer to address all those questions of "why are you still single?"
Why couldn't it be the easy way?
If there's anyone who can commiserate with you, it's me. This is something I understand all too well. Because I know all about the kind of learning that is anything but willing, but takes us screaming and kicking all the way.
For some of us, it's simply the only way we get to where we need to be to finally set ourselves free.
It can't be this way, we say.
It was such a perfect story; it had to be fate.
And yet, here we are.
Regardless of how it ended or who ended it, here we are. Alone. On our own. Having to face reality that our fantasy didn't have what it takes.
We feel dejected. Rejected. Hopeless. Lost.
And so many other adjectives that only scratch the surface of how intensely we feel the loss.
It wasn't just him; it's our dream that's gone as well.
And now we have to put one foot in front of the other and put ourselves out there again, and go out and live our lives. It's the very things we didn't want to have to do ever again.
It doesn't matter how much of a life we already had. It doesn't matter how good we were at living it. It doesn't matter how outgoing or sociable we might have already been. It's the fact that we have to that gets us every time.
I don't want to have to.
I want to choose to.
I want to go out if I want to, but I don't want to have to make the effort. I don't want to have to make plans with friends on a Friday or Saturday night so I won't feel worse staying home alone. I don't want to have to figure out what I want to do with my life now that being a part of someone else's ready-made life isn't an option.
I don't want to have to start over again.
I remember spending over two hours in busy rush hour traffic from Los Angeles to a singles group in Rick Warren's mega-church, thinking that I'd surely find a good man there. And then getting lost, arriving late, and being so disappointed that no one stood out for me there.
I didn't want to have to do any of that, but I thought it was as good a place as any to find someone.
It wasn't.
And I was so discouraged. Yet another place that had held so much promise for me turned into yet another dismal failure.
The beach volleyball club had been the same, the endless parties I always forced myself to go to, more of the same. The blind dates, the groups, the clubs, all the places I tried; the results were always the same.
It wasn't the first time, and it wouldn't be the last, until finally I realized what it was that wasn't working. I was grasping at straws.
I had no idea who I was or what I was looking for. I was looking, instead, for someone to find me. I was looking to be found instead of looking for someone that would be compatible with who I was. I was looking for some life for me to fit into, instead of each other's lives to share.
I was going about it all the wrong way.
These places I was going to weren't me. These exercises I was half-heartedly putting myself through weren't me. I wasn't the volleyball player – I ran from the ball in Gym class and that never changed. I wasn't into organized religion, I wasn't a partier or a drinker at heart, and I wanted more than to be fixed up with someone who I would be perfect for.
What about what I wanted?
And so, as most of you who follow this blog know, I began a journey into me. Because no matter how much I thought I knew who I was or what I wanted, I didn't know the real me. I didn't know who the real me would choose.
And I certainly didn't understand that I was the one doing the choosing.
So when you tell me, I don’t want to have to, know that I understand. Oh how I do!
But sometimes, having to do what we don't want to, turns out to be the best thing ever. How else might we get to the places we wouldn't otherwise go? How else might we be open to seeing what we otherwise might never have seen? How else might we be pushed to discover who we really are, and what we believe about love, about happiness, about ourselves, about him?
Flash forward to the future, when you look back at this time in your life and you see yourself with everything you actually needed. The man who's right for you, the life you built together, the dream you both shared. You know how you got here?
That's right; by doing what you didn't want to have to.
Don't fight it, Beautiful. For some of us, it's the only way we get there - to the place we actually want to be!
Am just really tried how can you be dismissed by someone, but still think about them every day. It seems like I cannot closed the door on the past to started over again and it really worries me. I don't want to have to do this again, but this person as walked out of life about a year and five months and I still can't seem to let it go. Every since he contacted me last April I keep wondering if I should not have ignored him or should I have just talked to him. Why can't I let go of wanting to be with someone that treated me so badly with little disregard. Am going to be 42 thus year and it seems to be the same mistakes over and over with every man I meet. Why couldn't he just be the one am tried of not having someone year after year.
Hi Jane!
I cant believe you published this article just at the right time. I am confused. After my bad relationship experience last year, I am back in the dating game. It did take me some time to come up with courage to be out there again. But I'm glad I am there now. I am free and I'm relaxed but it seems I am also keeping my distancy now.
When it comes to dating, partying and the whole lot, I am acting as a happy camper. I am actually happy in my life it is true but I'm also very confused and have built a huge wall around myself. So thick and high that I pretend playing the game with guys. I hide that all I want is to meet a nice guy and want a family and instead I act like my life is already fullfilled with things I have. I put my work role on and that gives me confidence to be around men even old acquantainces who are players. However, I am only playing never end the game and have not lost or won yet and never show my trueself. Why? Because I am protecting myself because I do not trust any of them. I am not even getting romantically involved with them, I just flirt and act like I'm an alfa woman when in reality is I just enjoy life but I am not on any mission of getting a man. I just feel like enjoy their company and stay friends with them or I might even leave my options open with potential ones for casual stuff (maybe one day, not really me sure either,getting doubts now), but I realise I'm doing this to stay in the dating game but not to get involved seriously because perhaps I'm still too scared, scared I get hurt again, scared I will be rejected. I really sometimes not even sure what I am doing with this new role? Just going through a phase or being completely lost? It is like my relaxed self is just letting the life lead her but at the same time controlling everything that happens very carefully.
-Annie
So glad this resonated with you, Annie; and how nice to have this update from you! You don't have to know what you're doing if you're in a place that's working for you right now. Sometimes it's in our least understood moments in our lives that something big is happening underneath what we can't yet see. Enjoy. Laugh. Have fun. Don't allow yourself to take any of this so seriously. I've found the most happiest and surprising moments in life are often when not searching, not trying, not worrying about what anyone else thinks, but simply living in the moment of where we find ourselves. You'll know more when you need to.
Hi Jane and all thanks for the positive stories they are really inspiring. I need some help to get one myself as I have realised tonight that my ex is playing games with me as we broke up over a year ago after 3 happy years together and I did loads of soul searching and worked really hard to get over him and move on as I really felt I'd met my match. I had done well and moved on but had kept in touch occasionally with him through the mate who originally set us up. I met up with him recently and he disclosed out of the blue how much he'd missed me and said he had changed his views and was willing to work on the things we broke up over and he had tears in his eyes and looked genuine. Foolishly I believed his tale and got my hopes back up and we agreed a plan to talk through things and work on us again but then when I speak to him tonight he is already backing off and questioning what he'd agreed at the weekend. Am I foolish to have believed him again and should I just cut off contact now or should we see our discussions plan through. Help, any advice gratefully received as I'm nearly 40 and desperate to settle down and have a family and am scared to let go in case he's my last chance but I'm also frightened of getting hurt again.
wow thank you Jane for yet another amazing post. your post speaks so much volume to me, I recently went to a dinner party this past weekend, what I have realized while I was amongst other Women is the fact that I had a tendency of looking down upon myself, the minute they showed their outfits for the party and the dinner I thought they were better than me, and I thought they looked better than me, its only when I started receiving compliments on how beautiful I looked that actually made me realize that they are not better than me we are all beautiful in our own way.....this scenario has made me realize just how much I have not accepted myself, and that gave me a question as to how do I then expect someone else to accept me when I myself find it difficult to?
I then decided at that moment that its time I do some soul searching and its time I discover who I am.
I would like to share something with you Jane (and the rest of the Laidys) just a week before I went to that dinner/party occasion I decided to focus on me instead of focusing to my unavailable boyfriend the one who seemed to only communicate with me via text the one that I always complained about to you guys and the one I found it difficult to let go of, so during that time I stopped communicating with Him all together and he also went quiet.......but that didn't bother me that much as I got myself busy doing some research on one thing that I`ve always wanted to study (Psychology) and I tell you what during that week I managed to register and I got accepted I am so happy that I am finally following my dream, I cant wait to start attending classes I know its goanna be challenging to juggle between work and studying but I know I can do it.. what this taught me is that we can do so much than we think we can. there is a lot more out there than to chase after people that don't show any interest in our lives.
lastly when my guy contacted (via text) me I asked Him what were His plans about me in terms of moving the relationship forward and guess what? He didn't give me any straight answer he just said he is still thinking about it...I haven't heard from Him for about 3 days now and I don't care, I`m at a better place right now, yes I won`t deny the fact that I sometimes have moments where I miss Him and hope he`d do things differently but guess what? that feeling comes and go and every time when that feeling comes I always remind myself of how emotional available he is and the fact that he cant give me what I want...
all in all thanks Jane for inspiring us and to all the Women in this forum you Laidys are just great you have no idea of how much role you play by just being here, your stories has become a big part of me, this is my place of healing, this is where I always come when I need to be reminded that I`m enough....God bless
Hi Jane. First, love your posts. I keep reading them hoping that one day I will get that "aha" moment where everything that has happened to me will make sense. I am so very confused about love. I had the love of my life in my life. Or so I thought. After almost 14 years together he had an affair with a married friend of ours and fell hard. He then told me that he had finally met the "one". The true "love of his life". His "soul mate". He also said that he should never have been with me and that all those years he thought he loved me; he suddenly realized he had never loved me. And yet, 3 years post separation, he still contacts me to say things like "I am so happy with her, hope you are as happy as I am". And also "Hi beautiful lady, thinking of you. xoxo". So you can see how I am very confused. I think there is something inherently wrong with me. I am petrified to go out again. I am still learning who I am without my ex husband and yet I know I want to find what he has. I want to meet someone amazing and I am terrified to even think about it at the same time. I cannot go through the heartbreak I went through when my ex left me. I didn't think I would survive it. I still don't think I will. I know I still miss him everyday. I still love him even though he had an affair. I know, I know. All you readers are going "What?? are you crazy?? Why would you love a cheater??". Trust me, I hear it from my best friend, family, support workers. I don't know how to get over him. So, back to the issue of what I don't want to have to do. I did not want to think about a life without him. I didn't want to have to start all over again at my age. I'm almost 50. I didn't want any of what happened to me. I didn't want to have to think about a future without the love of my life. And yet, here I am. So I am afraid of trying again. I am unsure of what LOVE really is. I thought I knew all of this. There are so many things that I don't want to have to do. Any feedback would be greatly appreciated. Keep the posts coming.
Pam, your story touched me. I couldn't help but feel pain with you. I'm so sorry this happened to you.
I just want you to know that you will get through this. You're loved even if it's not by him.
In the midst of all this heartache, keep reminding yourself that he opened the door for you to be free and find the happiness that you deserve with a new life and with someone who will and can love you truly. He wasn't the one for you.
Those messages he's sending are hurtful. Do you think you can bring yourself to break all lines of communication? You don't need more pain. You have had enough.
Please take care of yourself a lot and first while you feel your feelings and mourn the loss and go through the process of acceptance and seeing things more clearly.
Keep coming to Jane's blog. We're all here for you.
Hi Angel. Thank you for your warm, kind and loving words. I keep telling myself that this too shall pass. I will do really well for a while because there is no contact and then out of the blue he will reach out with a text. So I changed my phone number. Then he will send me a private message on FB so I unfriended (is that even a word?) him. Then he will send me an email. So I have now blocked his emails and had them automatically re-directed to the trash and the trash automatically purges so hopefully I have done everything I can. I just don't understand why someone would want to hurt another human being like this. As a kind, caring human being I only want what is best for him and for him to be happy but I certainly don't want it rubbed in my face. I am jealous of her though. I know they got together on a foundation of deception but he has changed so much for her. He does everything for her. It just sucks! I know I sound like a very spoiled child and some days I really have to kick myself in the butt and be grateful for everything I do have. I am healthy, I have a great job, I have amazing friends and the very best siblings I could ever ask for. I just wanted to have the life I had. We had a beautiful home, they have it now. I worked so hard for that home and because I supported him while he built his own business he ended up with it. He told me I had to leave and moved his then girlfriend (now fiancé) into our home. That was one of the hardest things I have had to do. Move out of my home. Anyways, hopefully as time continues to pass I will grow stronger and put him out of my mind. I do hope to find love again but boy does it terrify me. Love and blessings to all who come to this site.
Thank you, Pam, I'm so glad you're here. And that's why I'm here; to write and say the things that eventually give you the "aha" moments for you to take and run with in your own lives. No one thinks you're crazy; on the contrary, most of us have been there in some form as much as we don't want to admit it either. What bonds us to someone is about so much more than how they can treat us; it's always about who and what they represent to us. That's why this seems so difficult! Until we tap into who and what that is, we feel so powerless to stop it, let alone change it, because it feels like it controls us!
But this is just one guy, Pam. One man. One very human man. See his confusion? He doesn't know what love is either. He's found a feeling because he was looking for a feeling, not a person, not a real live human being. But even he isn't sure if this will last - if this feeling he thinks he's found will last - and that's why he still reaches out to you. But look at the other side of this; do you see how much the two of you had in common? You're both confused; you both thought love was about a feeling, and he still does, while you're starting to question this. See why you were both attracted to each other - and stayed together for so long?
That's how you know you're going to attract someone different when you can see more clearly. This is how you see that what I'm talking about here isn't just an outside notion, but it's something real that real people discover and run with every single day. Just like you!
Thank you Jane. I will keep coming back. I am doing so much for me right now to learn why I believe love to be this way. I attend an amazing women's work shop. It is a 40 week commitment about Making Changes. Each segment is 10 weeks long. I am currently in the most difficult segment for me, Self Esteem. Nevertheless, I made this promise to myself that I was going to complete this 40 week program. I am currently in week 35. I also attend counseling sessions so that I can learn why I feel so lost and empty without my ex. I certainly have a lot of good things in my life but I need to dig deeper. I do know that I am not ready for a relationship yet. I will not go out and search until I feel so good about myself that I know I will not settle for anything less than I deserve. Saying all that, I still have this deep seated fear about "getting out there" again. I will continue working on myself and I will most definitely keep coming to your blog. Thank you for all the wonderful words of wisdom that you post for your devoted readers. I will let you know when I have that "aha" moment.
Hi Jayne
It's like u read my mind, this is so me!! I am really hung up on finding sumone and feel unworthy without that one. I know your right and I need to find me, it's just where to start after being in the same pattern for so long!
Selina
Start with you, Selina. Today is a new day! After taking only the lessons from the past - not the guilt! - leave everything else in the past and start fresh today with a new story, a new plan, and the real you. Where do you want to go from here? What does that look like? What does someone who's compatible with your true self look like? When you get clear on what you want, you'll have an easier time recognizing it when you see it. You can do this!
This article showed up at the right time! My boyfrined of 4 years broke up with me 4 months ago and very quickly got married to someone new. Needless to say I have been in shock and very hurt. I did think he was the ONE and I would not "have to" put myself out into the dating world again. But you are so right - I need to figure out who I am and what I really want from life before I can even think about that yet. How do I picture things in a year or 2? I hope to use this as an opportunity to grow and be better, not bitter! Thanks for writing good stuff!
So glad this resonated with you, Cindy. "I hope to use this as an opportunity to grow and be better, not bitter!" - Exactly!
I think I'm just confused! I really don't know what I should do, because I am consistently getting the same results-no mutual interest or guys approaching/flirting with me and then backing off. Sometimes I wonder if I appear needy or desperate or if I don't show enough interest. Am I sending mixed messages? I have no clue!
I sometimes wonder if I'm emotionally ubavialble, because it seems that is all I attract. How do I become more emotionally available?
I know I don't want to do online dating right now. First, because I don't want to pay the money, but also because of the time online. I'm already pretty addicted to social media as it is! What I'm trying to do is meet people like we used to before the Internet. I'm volunteering at an animal shelter and will be joining a running group later this summer. There are some other clubs and volunteer organizations I want to join as well. I hope this will help me meet more people. I feel like I need to find ways where I can be "friends first" because I don't think I make the best first impression on a first date. I get pretty anxious on first dates as well.
Any advice where to meet more people, especially members of the opposite sex or how to not be so anxious about dating and the future will be greatly appreciated!
Sounds like you're on the right track, Jamie. You're discovering what feels right to you, you're getting involved in things that you're interested in, and you're branching out in the areas that speak to you. This is exactly how you meet more like-minded people doing the things that you actually want to do. The perfect boyfriend, partner, husband, mate is best described as your best friend who you're attracted to! As for feeling anxious, before you leave the house, always remind yourself that you're the one doing the choosing, whether it be the activity, or the person. You have so much to offer someone truly worthy of you!
Jane...I was there, I really did not want to either!! But I am glad I did!! I am doing what I want to do!! When you do and go to different places out of your comfort zone you meet all kinds of people. It was scary at first but you have to keep reinventing yourself until you are satisfied with you. I did not know exactly what I wanted but I did not know what I did not want. I became what I wanted (loving, special, go getter, faithful, loyal, etc.) that is what I have attracted. You will get some in between, with them you don't waste time because that is not who and what you want. When you do something different you will get a different result. Ladies we do not need men...MEN need us...God knew Adam needed a woman so he created Eve...
Love your perspective here, RealDavis. Thanks for sharing. Men do need us - and they need a woman who already knows this!
Hi Jane. Mine is a bit out of context. I am a christian dating a muslim guy. I really like the guy and the feeling is mutual with him and we hope to make it long term. But I'm still bothered about our religious beliefs. Should I be concerned? I need inputs please. Thanks.
Real compatibility is all about being on the same page, Queen Edet. Can you honestly live with his beliefs and especially where they differ from yours? Can he do the same? The fact that you are bothered by this tells me there's something more there for you, but you're the one who needs to figure out what that is.
The first thought that came to mind reading this is "Resistance".
What we resist persists. I believe we all somehow come to that point of utter acceptance and from there we start over. Reconsidering, revisiting and rebuilding. We don't want to, but we have no choice and so we stop resisting. It's in that acceptance and acknowledgement of where we are that peace and new ideas start showing up.
In my case, I realize now that I've lived my life looking outwards. Waiting for recognition, waiting to be aproved of and validated, waiting for something. What a waste. I don't regret a thing... well maybe a thing or two but I'm fine with everything. I can't change anything. All I know is life doesn't stop here. Life keeps going and so will I.
I feel a sense of relief being all by myself and knowing that my assumptions about what I wanted were all wrong. Some days I go back to wanting someone mode, but then I remind myself of my discoveries. We grow so used to this setting. It's our default setting: waiting, wanting, longing, overdoing. But I figure if I can keep reminding myself of what's really true and what really matters, soon enough I'll have a different default setting that feels much better for me.
Thank you, Jane for being part of our lives. For your encouragement, for the love you put into these words. This blog is like my Bible LOL. And I'm so glad that in the midst of a bunch of places and people that tell us we have to change who we are, there's someone who begs to differ. I'm glad I decided to listen to you.
Hugs your way.
So true, Angel, you're onto something here! And thank you for your kind words. I do beg to differ because I know just how true this is when we're ready to discover our own truth!
My story is a long one. But to make it shory...I was married for 27 years to a self centred angry man. We have four children now all grown up I have been single 7 1/2 yrs now. About two years ago after a long journey of healing I felt ready for a new relationship. I felt as alive as when I was 19 and have so much love to giveso I began a relationship(so I thought) with a guy I had known for 3 yrs through work. I fell in heart and soul....only to find we were (casual)! I didnt even know what that meant but I have learned. I was heart broken. But i am a brave person, so after 6 mths i trued online dating...shy lil me!!! I have had lots of interest and about 9 dates. Then I met a wonderful guy..Second date and we were so attracted to each other...we talked a lot. ..I thought we were on the same page. But now 5mths later and it seems we are (casual).Im tired of putting myself out there only to be disappointed. I really love this guy and I dont want to start again with someone else. But I know I probably will
Take it slow next time, Carol. It's really hard to know someone well enough just on the basis of attraction after a couple of dates. We always think it's enough, but we start going there and making it more than it is without even realizing we're doing this to ourselves. Date more than one person - that keeps everything in balance. Date someone different. And most of all, know what qualities you want above all else.
sorry about the above.............pressed the post comment by mistake lol.
anyhow............yes, your blog arrived JUST when this is an issue with me.
I have been having thoughts all weekend and over the last few days...why do things never work out the way I want them to ? Why do other people get get and get again....when I am left with nothing but smashed dreams and loneliness.....
Why is everything so HARD !!!
Well your blog has made so much sense to me today. Everything is as hard as we make it I spose.
But I don't want to have to try to GET a man. I don't want to go to unfamiliar places to FIND a man either.....I don't want to have feelings of rejection when someone on a dating website comments on my dress sense, my age, my anything at all??
So why put myself out there to be hurt and rejected. ??? To fill a void...fill a need....fill the loneliness?????
Well Jane, having read your blog again I see what I needed to see.
I'm so glad this resonated with you right where you are, Wilma. This is exactly my point. What you're ready to see what you need to see, you will!
Jane, jane, jane...............again another example of receiving your blog JUST
I need to really sit and search myself of what it is that I want. I just want a single guy who is interested in me that will love me and take care of myself and my son as he is still under age I am tired of wasting my time with men that don't love me and just use me for their convenience yet they refuse ti settle down with me. Please give me advise on how to attract a single guy instead of a married person.
My opinion don't become needy!! We as women do not NEED and man. Men need us...that is why Eve was created. I have been there a few times....it was not until I realized what "I" wanted....so I became what I wanted. That way if someone steps to you and does not give you what you want then you will not waste time...because time is something you will never get back.
Exactly, Cordelia. Sit and and search yourself for what it is you actually want. You have to know what it is before you can expect to recognize it in it's true form.
Hi Jane
I haven't really thought what I want in life. I am so confused still in love with someone that does not show any interest in me. Painful though but I really love him. I just want to be happy I want to be loved and taken care of. I want to be appreciated someone that is there for me when I need to talk. I haven't found that person yet. I have a problem attracting guys only to find out they are married and I really don't want to get involve with a married guy as this will waste my time. How do I attract single guys to be interested in me. I like to think that I am a beautiful woman yet I just can't seem to attract the right guy. I thought maybe it could be a friendship circle but I also don't want to be all alone and have no friends and not go out I love people and I love spending time with them., It really concerns me that to date I have not been able to attract someone that would be interested in me and be single that really concerns me. I am not getting any younger and I cannot see myself getting old all by myself. How can I attract a singe guy to be interested in me.
Look inwards. Why do you want it so desperately? Growing old alone is not it. You won't. Go deeper. Face the real fear.
We cannot make anyone come to us. However, if you're only "attracting" unavailable men, I can assure you, there's something inside you you are overlooking.
You will find friends and you will find someone. Just make sure you are all fine by yourself so you don't end up clinging to the wrong people.
I get you more than you can possibly imagine, but I can assure you, you won't end up alone. Leave that fear aside for a minute and travel to that inner place where you reside. Tons of answers await. Keep your head up. You're more than fine.
Get comfortable with you!! Become all those things that you want,,,then you will attract what you are....law of attraction!!! Start the journey you never know where you might end up. The person that you are looking for is looking for you, position yourself so he can FIND you.
Put this epic search aside for now, Cordelia, and just spend some time getting to know you. Let's forget the past and what you've been attracting up until now, and refuse to buy into the belief that there's only a few men left and they're all married. That's only as true as you want it to be, but if you believe it, you'll find evidence everywhere to support it. Who would you be without this thing that really concerns you? Where would you go without having this concern? What would your life be like? How would you spend your time? What we are looking for always finds us, so somewhere there is a disconnect between what you say you want and what you feel you're worthy of - and thus, are actually going to get. Where's the fear? Why the fear? Imagine you're free of all concerns, all fears, all dire predictions - it doesn't have to be the way it is.
The hardest step is always the first.
So true, Wayne.