One of our beautiful, sweet readers, who has asked to remain anonymous, has been in a long distance relationship with her boyfriend of a year and a half, and has gone through quite a roller-coaster of difficulties, including cheating.
I've chosen to call her Plumeria, after the beautiful and fragrant flowers that are used to make Hawaiian leis.
Here's her email:
Jane,
My relationship with my boyfriend has been going on for about a year and a half.
We started dating after I got out of a two year relationship the same time that he did, and we kind of gave each other moral support. He was always someone I was attracted to, and I had admired his relationship, and I think I was the same for him.
It was exciting for each of us to be talking to the other and it was a nice distraction through the heartbreak we had gone through..at least for me it was. We were together without a title for 6 months first, during which time everything was amazing.
We planned extravagant dates, camping trips, watched each other participate in sporting events, and hung out a lot.
I hardly even thought about my ex, and I was very happy- happier than I had ever been before. The reason we hadn't had a title was because I was going to be moving for a year and a half to Hawaii.
He finally asked me to be his girlfriend soon before the move because he knew he didn't want to break up with me, which is something I didn't expect but was all for.
He immediately got a summer job and started making money to visit me in Hawaii, which he did 4 months after I moved. Things were a little hard with him working because he would sleep in until he went to work, and then work, and sleep again, leaving hardly any time to talk.
A couple days before he flew out, he didn't talk to me all night one day, when I got a text from another friend saying he had just seen my boyfriend at the movies with another girl. Addressing that to him, he just turned off his phone entirely.
I later found out they were together all night.
The next days he was with her and friends hanging out, and he didn't talk to me, because he didn't want to address it. I picked him up from the airport and it was so amazing to see him again that I forgot about it.
It was hard during the visit but I got over it, and it was just left in the past.
After a long 18 day visit, he went back home and continued working before he started at school. Things seemed great; I had thought the visit was really great, but soon enough, a couple months later, rumors spread that he had had sex with his ex girlfriend.
I addressed him and he said he had not done so. He told me he had seen her, which even that alone hurt very much.
Days later he called me crying and told me he had had sex with her at her house. I didn't know if I could be with him, but he flew me out to visit and we decided we would make it work, he seemed sincere. The pain was incredible.
Months pass and I find out there was another time. He comes out and finally tells me what is now supposed to be the whole truth-- I get over it.
He comes again to visit, it is now March, and the visit is great, we only have a couple more months to go- yet I am unsure if I want to continue to go through dating with distance and tell him this, only to be kindly ensured it will be easy this time.
During his visit I had seen on his computer that he was still contacting the ex girlfriend. I also so that on my recently past birthday when he didn't even talk to me, he was out partying.
I saw a lot of uncomfortable things I didn't want to move past, but I did, along with everything else.
We are currently 19 days away from the distance ending and his romantic side is gone.
I leave him voicemails and texts that are sweet while he is asleep, that go unacknowledged. I just feel like I have sacrificed so much for him and now I am going to his college to be with him, and it is just taken for granted.
I don't feel loved, I feel like a pushover.
And telling him this stuff doesn't really change anything, not even provoke any kind of apology anymore. We rarely talk on the phone or FaceTime and when we do it's just unemotional. It's so embarrassing almost to put myself out there but I do everyday only to feel rejected afterwards.
I think he will come and sweep me off my feet like always, but I don't know if I'll ever forget the pain that he has caused me during long distance.
I recently read a short book, called "Who Moved My Cheese?" and realized I am Hem, just stuck where I am comfortable and scared to find something or someone else that makes me happy.
It's true. I know he is capable of making me happy and I can't get my head wrapped around the fact he won't do it, like he used to.
Thank you for reading!
- Plumeria
My Response:
Dear Plumeria,
I see a beautiful woman, bending over backwards to do whatever she can to prove to a man with so many of his own issues, just how worthy she is. Just how sweet she is. Just how perfect she is for him.
How can he not see it? You wonder.
It's because he's not you.
You’re only fighting yourself here. And that’s why you recognize that you’re stuck. Comfortable, but so very stuck in what could be, in what should be, in what you believe with all that beautiful belief you have in your heart, could truly be if only he could see it too.
There's a reason you’re getting nothing back from him to work with.
It's because he’s got nothing to give you back, no hope to give you, nothing to keep you holding onto. Nothing.
But it doesn't matter because you’re the one picking up the slack. You’re the one filling in the space of the non-existent calls and texts, the words that aren't there, the explanations that aren't given.
Of course it’s embarrassing to put yourself out there because you’re running on autopilot trying to make something real because it should be, according to you. But to him, it doesn't have to be anything but what it is.
You think he will come and sweep you off your feet like always, but please look closer at who and what this man actually is, and what he is and isn't capable of giving you – and then allow yourself to look down the road at a life spent living thinking even one more moment about him; is this really what you’re saying you want?
Because this isn't that man you see when you look at him. That man you see, only in your own mind, is this man’s potential. He's what this man could aspire to if – and that’s a huge if – he wanted to.
You want to know what more you can do. You've spoken your feelings, you've talked, you've asked the questions, told him how you feel, and yet still you can’t understand how someone who is loved the way you love him can’t give you more.
It’s because he’s not you.
He doesn't love you like you do. He’s not you.
There’s only one thing more you can do with him. You can accept him for who he is. You can accept that he’s not going to change for you no matter how much you want him to.
You can accept that what you see is what you get, and who you see is who you get.
And then with eyes wide open, you can decide where you want to go from here. Because there is still everything you can do with you.
There’s a reason you see yourself as the character Hem from the book Who Moved My Cheese?
But you're really much more like Haw, the other character. You've realized that things are different, and you know what you need to do. Sure, it's scary, but you know that something is better out there in the maze, you just need to stop being afraid, forget about the past, and go out there and find it.
Seeing yourself right where you are and what you’re doing here is always the first step.
If you can recognize it, you can do something about it. It’s because of the situation you’re in. Not because of him, but because of you. Because you know you deserve more. You know that you don’t deserve to be treated like this. No matter how much you try to convince yourself that you do.
Life is too short to live staying stuck when there’s so much more waiting for you on the other side of stuck. This game you’re playing with him only gets played if you play it.
If you refuse to play like this – if you refuse to play at all – it stops.
Can you see that?
It always takes two. But if you want him, if you insist on trying to make him into what you want him to be, then he’s showing you with his words and most of all his actions, that this is what it takes to be with him.
These are his terms. This is how what works for him. This is what he’s comfortable with. This is how he wants it to be.
But what about your terms? What do you want? Him – at any cost to yourself? Is he really worth that much to you – this man who gives you so little, yet has you believing you need to keep doing all the work here to prove your worth to him? What about what you’re worth?
You see this your way. And he sees it his way.
It doesn't matter what you think he should be doing. What he actually is doing – and what he’s not doing – is what is speaking volumes to you.
It’s not about "shoulds". It’s about facts.
You can live like this for as long as you want to, Plumeria. But at some point, you’re going to look at yourself in the mirror and wonder what happened to all the time.
All the time you waited, all the time you lost, all the time you spent trying to understand how it could be the way it is, while the way it is remained the way it is.
You don’t have to understand it for it to be the way it is. You don’t have to understand him for him to behave a certain way.
You can go on and on with your reasons why, with the things he should and shouldn't be doing, and everything else you can’t understand about him and why he stays. But at the end of the day, at the end of the month, at the end of the year, at the end of it all, there will always be you.
And all that you are and all that could be if you could take yourself out of this story that isn't serving you well.
You're not Hem; you're you. Hem might not know he's the one doing the choosing, but you can.
Don’t ever make anyone else responsible for your happiness. You decide how this ends, Plumeria.
And you get to decide how the next chapter of your beautiful life begins.
Hey there it's "Plumeria" with an update...
So I came here thinking my biggest worry would be being swept off my feet like it usually was with those Hawaiian visits and that I would be having to worry about all the times in long distance I was neglected..but that same feeling has carried over. I found out more lies, I'm mistreated.. He looks at me in a different way, I don't see the love in his eyes or the love in his touch anymore. I've tried to break up but its so hard because I do love him. I love the person he is and he makes me laugh, even if I don't make him laugh or even smile it seems. He doesn't seem happy but when I say anything he gets so annoyed with me. we've just been able to see each other on weekends and when we do he invites all his friends to tag along, leaving us little to no time alone, only making time for quick sex or something like that. We've had a couple dates and that makes me so happy and excited but normally it's just not the same romance we once had.. I can't explain it. Im so thankful to be here but because I know he looks and meets with other girls I feel so insecure and I look at things probably a lot more critically then I should, but I can't help it and I just notice all of this. Maybe it's just me. I'm stressed and depressed but anytime I have a problem with anything he yells "I can't do one thing right" or "you're just always mad" or "you're overthinking". I feel stupid for being in this relationship, and can't help but wonder what he doesn't get. I'm the same girl he fell in love with. And he used to be so excited to be with me, saying oh my gosh I am so lucky, you're amazing, and that kind of stuff. I'm the same girl I've just came to love him more. Massages, love letters, gifts, kisses, hugs, making anniversaries and even normal days just special as I can, I even personalized coke bottles with our names and I just put so much effort into showing him how much I love and care for him. Maybe it is just me though, but even if it is, I'm a broken girl going through all this. I'm not the same anymore and I wonder if I ever will be. It breaks my heart, truly, observing this not work. But I'll come around Jane. Thanks for everything and thank you to everyone who responded.
Please think about your self love In your list of people that you love, what number are you? Are you on the list?
Are you respecting yourself in this relationship?
Do both of you put equal work into the relationship?
Do you have good feelings in the relationship or are you confused and unfulfilled?
When you leave, the pain will only last a while. You will survive. Its getting up enuf guts to leave.
Thanks! We definitely don't put in equal work. He can do whatever he wants and it's all fine, and nothing is ever for me. But I do so much for him and it's all taken for granted. I can't help but wonder why things changed. He used to want things for me, and want to make me happy, and now he doesn't care at all. As if he fell out of love.
Plumeria, sweetheart, I know how much it hurts but you're stuck in a past fantasy you created. He's not the man you think he is.
He's someone who treats you badly. This is a person with no kindness and no integrity. Those two things are requisites for loving someone.
I know how you feel, but it isn't love. If anything it's lack of self love what's causing you to latch on to someone who is just not right in anyway.
Try going inwards and seeing objectively why you're stuck exactly. Be honest. Get help if you need to, there's nothing wrong with talking to someone who specializes in these kinds of situations.
Do it for your own well being. The longer you stay in this toxic situation, the worse it'll be and the longer it'll take for you to recover from it.
Hugs and lots of love.
How does he go from once caring, to this? I agree though, but it does break my heart.. I'll be talking to someone professional. Thank you
Plumeria, it doesn't matter why or how. People change and that's something we have to come to terms with. What matters is what you do NOW. NOW matters more than any past. I know how much it hurts, I've been in sad situations as well where I gave it my all and he didn't care one bit, till I realized I was giving because I thought I had to in order to be loved. But that's a lie. That's not how it works. Love simply is. When you overgive like you do, there's something much deeper going on inside you. There's a detrimental core belief you're holding. People don't love you because of what you do for them. That's not love, that's co-dependency, that's disfunctional behavior. People love you for you, warts and all, it's not about your effort and what you give. Think about it. Start by giving more to yourself. You're in dire need of your own giving. Turn it inwards instead of wasting that precious gift on someone who couldn't care less.
You'll get over this, sweetie. You really will. Please don't hesitate to get the help you need. Do it for you, for your happiness and to start choosing people who love you for you and who are better fits for you. You'll get there. It starts with you. Lots of strength, clarity and love for you, Plumeria
That makes a lot of sense... Thanks for your wisdom.
Pulmeria, if you don't see the love in his eyes, why are you with him? Take your power back and leave this womanizer for good...he has many women in his life and likes it that way..you are not going to change him. Change yourself...by loving yourself more than you love him, you will be better off in the long run.
I know this feeling. And let me tell you the truth from my side.
A women does this, when she does not act out of love. Being to involved with a man, being to nice, to understanding. This is a act of fear, fear of not being a "good" girlfriend, trying to fix.
This all becomes like a negatvie circle. Thats why he is saying "you are overthinking"...
You are doing to much, and he is being introvert. I have learned that we all do what we know and can. Some of us wake up, but some of us stay in that fear... Offcourse this leads that you or him , the heart will break.
You can not heal a broken heart, if you stay in mind with him or what happend. It is not that easy. It will haunt you, if you do not heal in a healthy way. ( not being or thinkin bout him)
Their is nothing wrong with him and with you. Just look at you both the past 2 months and be honest. Is this all making you happy? Is this an act of love?
I hope you choose peace and love, from within.
Pulmeria, I want you to know it's 3 months since I left the man in my life..I feel like a heavy weight has been lifted from me. Every time I see his picture I'm reminded that I am so lucky to be rid of a dishonest, unstable, disrespectful man who does not have integrity. How lucky I am, because I deserve so much more, and I'm worry of so much more. I am so happy to have my power back. It feels wonderful...you will feel the same too once you let go.
Nice to know that MJ..i wish i will feel the same way too soon...i have the same feelings like Pulmeria.
Beverly, I promise you, you will get over him.. I cried every day for a month..crying is a healing tool, so let the tears flow. The man you left is a womanizer, he loves having many women in his life, not just one. Remember that, so you won't ever go back to him. Womanizers are charmers, once they feel like they have you wrapped around their finger..they go back to being abusive, seeing less of you and etc. A relationship is suppose to make you feel good, not sad or put you down. When a man starts putting you down, it's time to leave, it's a sign he feels women are inferior to him. He will never change and you can't make him change.
Thanks MJ...i hope i can send you private email for more encouragement.God bless you always.
Anytime Beverly.
How can i send you private email?i need more advice on how to forget and go on life without him..I want to be firk and strong with my decision of him totally out of my life..but i knpw my weaknesses and my love is so strong.I dont want to get hurt more and more.Please help.
Beverly, we can talk here. You need to do meditation and learn to love yourself more. It is not easy getting over someone you love. I did it by writing down all the hateful things he said and did to me. I read that list everyday sometimes 2x a day until I got it in my head that he was the wrong person for me. I realized I loved me more than him, and vowed I would not let him hurt me again, because I am worthy of so much more than him.
Thaks MJ..He started calling and texting me already..He is asking me wherei am staying now?i did not give answer..He said he left the key of our apartment near our door,meaning he wants me to go there..I texted him why?i dont even received any apologies and when i asked him he said,..i would not believed him either..What shall i do?
Beverly, you need to stay out of this relationship. Do not let him manipulate you into going where he wants you to go. You have to be strong and believe in yourself that you are deserving of so much more.. Do not give into this man, do not let him manipulate you into believing he has changed or wants to make it work..Jane would agree with me that this is a toxic situation.
You have to choose this for yourself, Beverly. No one can tell you what to do or make you do what you don't want to do, if you don't want to do it. This has to come from you. If you only believe you're worth the crumbs that you get from this person, then you will choose those crumbs. But if you believe you're worth so much more, then you will choose so much more and your answer to him will be clear. You don't have to say anything; your actions will always say so much more than your words ever can. But whether you choose to believe him and give him another chance or whether you choose to put your own needs first this time and refuse to believe anything before you see it in his actions and behavior before you allow yourself to believe it's going to be different this time, the choice is always your own. If something has changed, you'll know. He'll show you. By living it in front of you while you maintain your own terms. What are your terms? When you know for sure what it is you want, and when you step back enough so you can objectively watch and observe him from that safe distance, you will know so much more clearly whether he can meet those terms or not. You're not alone here; and you're so much stronger than you believe you are!
Thank you MJ and Jane for those encouragement..Now i knpw what i want to do....love myself first and give. myself respect
Your welcome Beverly, just remember you are not alone, all of us here have been in the same situation...I see you taking your power back which is good, because you are worthy and deserving of so much more.
I was able to talked to him lastnight .I decided to went to our apartment to see him rather than talking to him on the phone to see more the sincerety on his face.When i entered he embraced me but i was so numbed maybe because of too much hurt..I just remained silent and wait for him to talk first and i am very eager to hear the answers to all my questions ..why he lied..I know he noticed also that im so different and he can see the anger on my face.He said sorry and admitted that its his fault that he tried to hide and lied because he knew that im will not agree he will tell the truth etc..To make the story short i left after we talked but im not sure whether i will accept that explanation.I told him. ,i will not go back to our apartment anymore and we need to sort out things first and know what we really wants..I still love him but not sure anymore if i still wanted to be with him.I went to a lot of problems in the past 2 years and i even suffered severe depression..and i promise i dont want to be in that situation again.Our relationship is on and off .I guess we both need time to think separately regarding our priorities.Im so tired of crying,hurting and thinking too much.I want to live in peace and just to be happy..I never lied to him ,not a single thing..I have to teach him also how to treat me well coz i deserved that being so nice to him from the start...No more good girl this time around..i have to fight and show that i need to be respected too.
everyone,i can relate so much on this forum..I just decided to leave my partner last week because he keeps on lying to me about his x wife..He said last week that he will not come and join mefor lunch because he has a visitors from france at work.Then i found out that he took a 1 day leave on that day and went out with his wife and daughter.I asked him why he keeps on lying to me about his family because i said i can accept his children because i have children too from my x husband..i know the feelingnof missing the kids..but its different when wife is also included..I was so angry at him and leave our?place.Now his contacting me but im not ready to talked to him yet..im not sure if i can trust him really.I love him but i was really hurt.
Hi everyone,i can relate so much on this forum..I just decided to leave my partner last week because he keeps on lying to me about his x wife..He said last week that he will not come and join mefor lunch because he has a visitors from france at work.Then i found out that he took a 1 day leave on that day and went out
Plumeria is my best friend, and I will just say this. I watched you struggle so much with this relationship. I just want you to be happy. You deserve a relationship that is a two way street. I know you say that you think you're not good enough for him but thats not the case at all. You are perfect and any other guy would not be as blind as him.
He is not the man you want him to be. Look at all the signs. Not one person thinks that this is a healthy relationship. I love you and will support you no matter what you decide, but I just want what is best for you and it would absolutely break my heart to see you settle for someone that is less than you deserve.
I know you say that when you end long distance it will be better because he will be sweeter or whatever, but if he can't treat you right and be there for you in the rough times, it's not enough for him to be good when it's easy.
I just pray that you realize you are worth sooooo much more than how he treats you and I love you to death. I know that you've heard all of this before from me but I just really want you to think about it.
Thats so sweet ..wish i have bestfriend like you..keep it up.God bless you.
I read this story exactly when I needed it. Thank you.
So glad, Carol. Thank you!
I can relate to this situation and although we know we deserve better it is hard to let go. I also was in a 3 year relationship that included cheating and where there was no compromise on his part. I met Jim a couple of years after I was widowed and fell in love with him. You might say I went through quite a lot before I met him and during our relationship. I took care of my husband for 5 years (Married for 33 yrs) before he passed. During my relationship with him I was also caring for my mom who passed recently and my daughter was in a bad fire which required her to be in ICU for 9 mos. Jim's job required him to travel and during his time away he chose not to have much contact with me (maybe a text once during the week) although I told him I would love to hear from him. He told me when he was away all he did was think of me. You might say there were red flags all along but somehow I justified his behavior. One of his frequent trips was to Florida where he had one of his boats. I wound up following up on his address there (he claimed that he used for tax purposes) when I was using his phone to correct a phone problem of mine and a woman called in. I told him she called and he didn't say much. Found out this woman's address matched the one he was using. I confronted him and he did say he was intimate with her but it was all business. I can't tell you how upset I was. (also after looking back to the weekend my mom passed he was in Florida but he said he would be back Monday for the funeral and he was probably with her) To me honesty, trust, loyalty, respect and communication is everything. After all this he said he would like to still get together for dinner and call. I said he needed to focus in on what he needed to focus in on. Which I could have come up with something better to have said to him but I couldn't even think straight. That was this past September and just can't seem to get over the hurt and after 3 1/2 years I would have expected more from him. I have not heard from him since which is just as well because I might have taken him back if he even apologized and promised to be faithful. I have tried an over 50 dating service (I am 62, told I look 52) and only 70 yrs old seem to be on it. I just can't seem to get over this. I read all your columns and really get a lot out of them and they all make sense. I am missing that special person in my life and knowing it really was not Jim, I do miss the relationship I had and can't seem to find another. If there is any advice you can offer I would appreciate it as I value your advice.
Accept that this is who he was, Corinne, and it's not who you are. Be glad for that! It means you know you're worth more, and knowing that - and believing it for ourselves - is how we change who we attract. I wrote a past post about the whole point of dating that you may enjoy. Do you have a clear picture of who it is you're looking for? Get clear on yourself first, on what you need and what you want, and then take a closer look at what the real you wants. Create him on paper. And then create him in your mind, and in your heart. It's so much more than a cliche; it's how we recognize him when he crosses our path, and it's how he can recognize us! Where does someone who's compatible with you go? Where is he found? What does he do? What is he involved with? Find yourself in those places that speak to you and then find him there, too. What about a more popular site like Eharmony - my personal favorite because it matches you up rather than leaving you with a sea of men to choose from, or another like that. You're as young as you feel and age is such a small part of your story. Don't give up, Corinne, just try something different, take a chance on a different type, take a chance on you!
Plumeria needs to remember her self worth and know that she deserves better than this. I think we all know how hard it is to realize when something is just not working out, because like you always say, Jane, we cling onto the hope that this guy will reach his potential and be everything we dreamed of. But if this keeps going, if you Plumeria put even more into this, you will fall even harder, -and you know in your heart that this isn't working out, that's why you're looking for some hope or reason to keep holding on. I know you don't want to be hurt and alone, but it seems like you're hurting already and I think the way this guy is treating you, he's already making you feel alone as well.
I'm hoping you can answer a quick question, Jane. Because we all think that maybe there's something we could have done differently. But I wonder, is there really? Lets say we screw up and screw around too soon, we keep dating, but then eventually the guy leaves.. Wouldn't you say it was almost inevitable that we would get dumped? If this was a guy who wanted to be with someone, I think he would stick around even if we had sex too early. Wouldn't this person at some point just come up with another way to justify leaving us, because when it comes down to it, they just don't want to stay?
Absolutely, Ellie. And there's almost a reason why we jump in so soon in the first place. We almost sense it before it happens and feel the need to become intimate faster because they're not going to stay.
Hi Plumeria, believe me when i tell you, you are not alone. Thank you Jane for bringing us all together. Plumeria, I am sure this guy knows by your actions that you will forgive him, but for, at what price to you. You must see yourself as the beautiful, loving, passionate, caring, hardworking woman that you are; ang give her all the love, affection and attention you seek from others. You are precious, so treat yourself as such. You must teach people how to treat you. What you are allowing him to do to you will continue. The buck stops here. You cannot allow him to walk over your feelings and emotions and say that you love yourself. Love doesn't look like this. Love on you, and the man that deserves your all will come. Be encouraged.
That's what I love about this community, Jaquetta. It's amazing how quickly we can see through the fantasy to reality when we suddenly realize we're not alone!
Great response Jane. I think you covered almost enything. My only suggestion to Plumeria would be to read back to herself what she wrote to you as if her best friend was telling her this and try to give advice. I'm not a fan of liars and cheaters, and this guy has done both. We can't help who we fall in love with, but sometimes we have to take a step back, deal with the pain, and go in a new direction to find something better. Someone who will treat us the way we should be treated.
This guy sounds like he still has a lot of mixed emotions for his x - for the reason alone I'd run from this situation. Although I've never been in this exact situation, I've been in similar situations, and the most importnat thing to realize is we don't deserve to be lied to and cheated on over and over. You should not be with someone who has such little respect for you.
And I feel by mid 20s we know what we want and we are very set in our ways, so don't expect to change him. And if he changes and didnt want to, he may later resent you for it.
Good luck!!
Thank you, Portia. Your perspective adds so much!
Hi plumeria,
My name is Michelle a.k.a. mishka. I understand where you are coming from.. just to let you know you are not alone in this world that goes through emotional turmoil.
I'm a christian woman of faith. I'm going through an emotional turmoil myself. The man I was with for 2 years or so, is stuck in his past, stuck in his pride, and is ignorant to the living now.
But I'm not going to go into details about that. My suggestion to you, is take care of yourself, love yourself, treasure yourself, know that you are worthy of everything, especially unconditional love. I don't know if your woman that prays, but I will say your Lord, Yahweh, loves you more than anything. He will give anything that your heart desires, but it starts with you. It's a long and sometimes hurtful journey but the past is the past, look in the now. Each day you wake up, stretch, look in that mirror, and thank God for making that beautiful person in his image, you are so worthy, and deserve everything that is beautiful. Also, be thankful for trials and tribulations in your life, for the Lord gives you the strength and courage to make it through. This only makes you stronger, more courageous, bold, and more beautiful.
Hang in there, I pray for you that the Lord will guide you through this emotion turmoil.
Thank you for sharing, Michelle. Every one of your perspective helps someone in some way more than you know!
i really dnt knw wht should i say wherein m un same conditions - i ask my boyfriend to introduce myself to his parents which he always denies. even doesn't cal me whnevr he is at his home * dnt knw wht will i do
When you ask yourself if this is how you want to be treated by someone you call your boyfriend, what you want to say or do will become more clear, Risha.
Stay strong, and move on.
Wise words, Louise.
Dear Plumeria,
I could be wrong, but I think that the struggle you are having is more with yourself than with your Guy. Let me explain. I think you have something from your past or present life, either your childhood experiences or a current relationship with someone close to you ( Mother or Father), that has you stuck. I have found myself in similar relationships that you are currrently in, all throughout my life, over and over again. I kept asking myself, why do I constantly pick men that are mentally, emotionally and sometimes physically unavailable to me. Then it hit me! I come from a dysfunctial home where my father was just that, physically, mentally and emotionally unavailable to me and at times my mother was mentally and emotionally unavailable. I love both my parents and don't hold a grudge but I did spend a good amount of time in my life wanting and hoping to my parents would see me as worthy of their approval and attention . Unfortunately I then transfered that same behavior in choosing men that have similar issues. I guess I was hoping each time I could win one of them over the way I was never able to win over my parents. Loving a person is one thing,( which I believe my parents did), but respecting someone, understanding their needs and wanting to give them what they need for a happy healthy relationship is something that these type people are incapable of. It's ok to love this guy from a distance but it's not okay to stay in a relationship with someone that makes you feel used, betrayed, discounted and takes for granted. You are worth so much more. You are more like a codependent for this person because you excuse all of his bad habits and excepts him back with open arms, and he knows that. He will never stop hurting you. Do me a favor and think if you had a daughter, would you want her to be with a guy like him or would you try and keep her away from him! Who knows you may be missing out on your soul mate right there in Hawaii! Be strong Beautiful! Aloha
This was so insightful, Crystal. Thank you for sharing. There is always a connection back to the places that are most familiar, where our earliest examples of love are modeled for us.
I have a question for you Crystal. Once you realized that's what you were doing (picking men like your father) were you able to change your pattern or did it take more than that? I ask because I have the same pattern and have been working for several months on understanding it, recognizing it, and trying to heal my inner child. But I'm at a place where I still don't trust myself to not continue this pattern and am so afraid that I will just do it again and not realize it.
When you understand the pattern more deeply, you won't be afraid of making the same mistake. I know how you feel as I wondered the same thing a few months ago after I started working on the same detrimental pattern. The more you understand yourself, your triggers and reactions and the more you commit to breaking the pattern, the easier it gets keeping your eyes open and recognizing when you're being attracted to the same kind of guy. From that awareness, if you have committed to yourself and your happiness, even if you hesitate at first, you'll walk away. The pattern loses hold over you once you bring it to consciousness. Hang in there and keep being present to your own self, intuition and body. Our higher self is always talking to us. It's up to us to listen and heed the message. The kind of men who are harmful will keep coming. This time, the more you choose you, the faster you will stop finding them attractive and subsequently they'll stop showing up in your reality. At least this is what I can tell you after 8 months of working on my healing.
Thank you so much Angel!
Plumeria: Trust me, Jane speaks the truth. I'm going to share with you something that only a few know about me. I was in a similar situation years ago. I was in a long-term relationship - at first it was great, but the more I gave the less closer my dreams became. We "talked" about getting married and having kids one day and I held onto that for years - never noticing what was really happening. I saw things as I wanted them to be so I overlooked a lot - a lot! The dream, the end-game of getting married and having kids was all I could see. I loved this guy but in reality his actions did not match his promises. I wasted years - years hoping for a change, waiting for that dream to come true. When I finally came to my senses it was a decade later. I felt free letting it go. My friends and family asked me "what took you so long"? And then the realization came that all that stress had made me devalue myself - I gained weight, I got depressed and then I had to deal with the fact that I was on my last legs of being able to get pregnant (menopause came early for me and I think stress helped). I shut myself off to the outside world while I was with him and I was lucky to have supportive friends and family who just welcomed me back. But now I had to live with the fact that kids were not going to be part of my future. I hung on; I waited too long and I lost respect for myself. The crux is I put his needs and agenda before my own. Something I will never do again. Because you're the only one who can truly make you happy; you're the only one who is going to care about you more than anyone else on this planet could, no matter how much others love you and care for you. And if you want to find real love ever again, you have to love yourself first, and that means being present, being in reality and not to keep giving because you think that it will make others give (even if they promise they will). You can't control anyone but yourself and I hope all of this great advice from everyone helps you put that in perspective. The second you take charge and refuse to accept less than great in relationships, you'll close this door and open another one. Purging what isn't working in your life leaves more room for the good stuff to come in. That's the truth - not just words. There's an old saying: "If I only knew then what I know now ..." and I can tell you that if I knew then what I know now, I would have gotten out of that nowhere situation a lot earlier and maybe my other dreams would have come true. Don't sacrifice your dreams or your happiness for something that just isn't working the way you'd like it to. Move forward and embrace the rest of your life. The upside of this all is that once you find your way, you'll be lot happier and you'll see the wisdom in the tough choices you sometimes have to make. Go get 'em girl - start the rest of your life today - because if you had to answer this one question ("Are you really happy now?") the answer would be "No." And you deserve to be happy. Don't convince yourself that he's the end-all/be-all of your happiness. He's not. He's the end-all/be-all of HIS happiness - and you two are on different pages. The Serenity prayer is true - you have to exept the things you cannot change, have the courage to change things to change the things you can - and have the wisdom to know the difference. I hope this helps; and I wish you all the best in your future.
LJ
I can't thank you enough for sharing your story, LJ. You've been where so many of us have been, but to hear it in your own words, feeling everything you felt right along with you, says it in such a real way that I know will resonate with so many of the wonderful, well-meaning, well-intentioned women who find there way here. You only understand as well as you do when you've walked so clearly in someone else's shoes.
Dang Jane you have gone and did it again!!! BRAVO!! Plumeria I was where you are now.....looking at his potential instead of the right NOW!! that potential will trick you every time. The most important person here is YOU!!! What do you want?? If he is not giving it to you....PLEASE move forward. Mr. Wrong lied, cheated, drag me along, vacationed, met the family, charmed me, etc...it was all a lie. BUT when I woke up and saw his RIGHT NOW it was ugly along with him. I that he was the cream and as my vision became clear he was ______ (fill in the blank). When you realize you are worth sooooo much more, leaving this situation will be refreshing and it has taught you a lesson. The lesson is that now you know what you do want and if that person is not giving it to you then you will know that person is not for you. It will be hard at first...but remember how hurt you felt when you found out he was cheating and lying to you. Time heals all wounds...there is a great big world out here and so many wonderful people. Go out and grab it!!!
Beautifully said, RealDavis. Thank you for sharing - and for your words that reflect just how much you get this!
Dear Plumeria, you are such a nice person. Please, get out of the relationship. You deserve someone as loyal, faithful and as dedicated as you are in a relationship. You deserve better.
So true, Queen Edet. Thank you.
Wow....this really hit home!!! I see now that Jeff is treating me like my ex did, only when it's convenient for him and when he gets around it. Well no more!!! He's going to see I can do the same and that I have a happy life without him!
Thank you Jane! I really look forward to your mail!
Brenda
BRAVO!!!
So glad you're seeing more clearly, Brenda. Do it for you; not because of what he should or shouldn't be doing - but because you deserve to be more - so much more - than a convenience!
Plumeria! I have been in a similar relationship for 4 years and engaged for 2 of those. I finally mustered up the courage to leave after giving myself a deadline . I wish I could go into some of the horrific details right now but have to go to work . All I want to say in simple words is : kick him to the curb! I have learned a lot from reading Jane and it does not get any better in the relationship and all you do is waste precious time and energy fretting and analyzing. Jane is right- look for someone with the same core values as you- you will be amazed at how life changes.
Thank you for these words, Shaun. Be so proud of yourself for having the courage to do the most loving thing you could do for yourself in your own relationship!
Plumira,
Leave this man and take your power back..you deserve better than what he is giving you, you are worthy of so much more.
Yes, MJ. So much more!
Let me tell you my story Palmeria, it will blow your mind. It will be 1 month since I let the man I was with for 2.5 years. We were in a long distance relationship. After 6 months, the man told me he loved me and never told me again. I was going on a trip out west and he wanted to come. He did all the driving and never paid for one thing on the trip. I broke up with him after the trip, only he would not let me go. He wrote me 3 ugly text messages....eventually I went back to him because he was a charmer and I liked how I felt WHEN I was with him. We only saw each other once a month for 3 days at a time. As time went on, the romance went away. None of my friends or family liked him. He would not make me his friend on facebook because all the women on there he did not want them to know we were dating. I found out after the fact that he likes widows, rich ones at that so they will pay his way around on trips. right now he is on a trip in France with a woman who is paying his way....the events that made me realize I needed to rid myself of this womanizer were the following events in Apr. of this yr. He said I deserved a beating and bit me on the face in place of the beating, called me fat, said my dancing was terrible. One night we danced fine together, the next night he complained he was pulling me. Maybe it was him because he was drinking. He blamed me because he was drinking so much. The straw that broke the camels back was when he came out on the balcony with no pants on an sat there exposing him self to everyone at the pool. I was mortified...he refused to put his pants on and turned and lifted his shirt and mooned everyone who was looking. He was lucky no one saw him. He sat in the chair facing some teenage girls and opened his shirt up for them to see everything and sitting there with a smile on his face. I ended it right then and there. It was like everything bad happened all at once. How stupid could I have been that I did not see all the warning signs. it was always give it more time to see where everything goes....He comes to pick up his stuff at my place and brings his dance partner who has been paying his way around for over 4 years. He introduces me...I am cordial...they were going to spend 2 days in Charlotte....I am the lucky one because I see him for who he really is.
Let go of the fantasy, Plumeria. He's not who you think he is. No one can make you happy but yourself. A man can only add to your happiness or in this case misery. You can end this any time. What do you actually have? Forget the beautiful memories. They are just that. Memories. The present is all that counts.
Exactly, Angel. Thank you.
He is not a good match. Lose him instantly and don't look back. He is a cheat and has no moral fiber.
We're always the last to see what's right in front of us. Thanks, Pat.