Our gorgeous friend, who has called herself Miss J., has been in a relationship with a great guy for around three months, and things had been going great, but now things are starting to change.
Here's her story:
Hi Jane,
First let me say that I love your site! I have a few articles that I have saved and refer back to regularly to save my sanity! You're a life saver. Now for my question....
I met a great guy back in December and we were immediately infatuated with each other. We talked everyday and wanted to see each other all of the time and did. We both admitted to have trust issues but also stated that we were interested in being in a committed relationship! Yay!
A month into seeing each other he told me he wanted to advance in our relationship and wanted to be with me in every way. We have both been burned in the past and still struggle with it but he told me how much he loved our communication and how he loved how he felt when he was with me. Exactly what I wanted to hear!
Finally I felt like I could exhale.
Fast forward to today...he has a few close friends that have been betrayed by their wives or girlfriends and it has brought all of his trust issues back to the surface.
The last few weeks he has admitted to wanting to see me but being in a mood because of the things that he has witnessed lately coupled with his own past experiences doesn't make him the best company. He even said that he wonders if he'll find a good, sane woman to settle down with.
I am floored!
What does that mean he feels about me? I don't know what to do. Is this relationship doomed?
Thanks for your help.
Miss J
My Response:
Thank you for your kind words, Miss J. I'm so glad my articles and posts are helping you.
Oh what a question - Can I trust his words? It's the one we all want to know!
Time, Miss J.
It takes time to trust someone. It takes time to hear the actions and the behavior that supports the words. And what you're finding in this time is what's real. So much more than the words themselves that he loves your communication and loves how he feels when he's with you, it's the way that he lives that out that tells you everything you need to hear.
So here you today are at the three month point and something seems to have changed.
He's in a mood, he's got some valid reasons or excuses for why he's not the best company right now, and he's saying things that sound very different from what he was saying just a little while before.
And then the words that say so much, he's wondering if he'll ever find a good, sane woman to settle down with.
Wow. I would be floored too.
Take a step back here, Miss J. Look at all this as information and nothing more than that. Take out all your emotions for just a moment and look at the facts here. This is what you know.
He said some exciting things in the beginning. Things that gave you reason to believe he was ready for more. Of course you were so excited!
But now you have more words. Words – and actions – that are giving you some additional information that you didn't have before.
What are these new words telling you? What are his latest actions showing you? What does his behavior overall tell you? And most importantly of all, what does your gut instinct tell you?
Because a man who says he wonders if he'll find "a good, sane woman to settle down with" either doesn't know who he's talking to – in which case you can inform him that you're a good, sane woman just like the kind he's talking about, or he wants to make it clear to you that this is really something he's wrestling with – in which case, you can ask him to clarify this statement because you don't quite understand it.
You have every right to know.
You have every right to let him know what you're sensing, what you're feeling, and what his actions seem to be telling you here. You have every right to let him know what you're looking for and whether this new pattern you're noticing of where he's at now is working for you or not. But whether or not you want to exercise that right is only something you can know.
Yes, you can bide your time, and keep living your own life, letting the chips fall where they may, but not all of us can do that.
If there's one thing I've learned through my own experience of quietly waiting for what I usually sensed in my heart to be true, if I'm getting the sense that the writing's on the wall and I'm looking for answers everywhere but directly from him, it's time to find your own answers.
From him.
Life is only as hard as we make it, Miss J.
But oh how hard we can make it when we forget this part, when we forget that love between two people on the same page is the opposite of complicated and confusing. It's the only way real love is meant to be.
I hope that helps.
Love,
Jane
What do you think our gorgeous friend Miss J should do in this situation? Tell us in the comments!
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Sorry for long post. I am desperate for answers.
I am wondering the same about the man I have been chatting with for about 6 weeks. We have a very nontraditional relationship. It's long distance. He lives 5 hours away. We have not met yet, but I really like him thus far. However, I have an uncomfortable , recurring anxiety in my gut. I am not sure if it instinct telling me something isn't as it seems or if it is my fear of intimacy/abandonment. Incidentally, I feel this every time I enter into a new relationship, and it continues until I end the relationship. That is the only way I know how to make the panic in my belly go away. However, then I regret my decision. Hence, begins this crazy cycle of getting close and pushing the other person away, until ultimately one person leaves the relationship - usually me. God, I must sound CRAZY!
He texts me good morning every morning, a text here and there throughout the day, and he calls me every night and we talk for a couple hours. The first few weekends he would disappear (for several hours - I would hear from him that night or the next day), sometimes no good morning text. My point is the communication pattern would stray from the weekly norm. My mind screamed, "other woman." He also told me to call him anytime, yet the few times I called he never answered. He would always call back within the same day.
I talked to him about it a few times. He always had a legitimate excuse, but again, I would doubt he was being honest. He has told me he is not interested in anyone else, and that he wants to get to know me better.
My problem is this, I keep having this recurring panic in my belly, and don't know if it is a sign that something is amiss or if it is my fear of intimacy/abandonment making me read more into situations than is warranted. He has his own business. He works a lot. He sends me pics of him at work and of his projects. He also sends me pics of things he is doing. Cookout at cousins, him with the guys at the man cave, him at home. He seems to be genuine and sincere in his interest in me. However, I panic if I text him and don't hear back from him within an hour or two. Sometimes, several hours go by. However, he does get back to me.
The recurring panic in my belly has caused me to react and try to end the friendship twice. I am so afraid of pushing him away/scaring him off for good, but I don't know how to productively channel my panic, or to determine if it isn't panic at all, and is instinct. Should I even talk about it with him like I have been or should I look within, try to process it and let it go? I have tried both approaches, and it may go away for a while, but at the slightest, perceived rejection from him I am off and running with the crazy thoughts.
How can I trust his words? How can I know if he is truly sincere? How can I talk to him about it and reach a resolution/compromise we can both live with?
This past week and weekend he changed his behavior, as a result of our last discussion about how his emotional distance on the weekends made me feel. Yet, when he texted me last night after like 8 hours of no checking in...I was already back in panic mode and I ended the friendship via text. God, I'm so ashamed of my behavior. I called him today and he answered the phone (another change in his behavior compared to previously). He was working. I asked him if we could talk later. He said yes.
I feel so foolish. I really like this guy, but because of childhood trauma and a previous abusive relationship, I am terrified to trust and let him in. I am so afraid he will turn out to not be as sincere, or genuine, or interested as he has claimed to be. On the other hand, if this is entirely "my unresolved issues", I am afraid of losing a potentially good relationship with a good man.
I am so confused, so lost. I don't trust my own judgement at the moment because my emotions are not consistent. I feel confident one minute....freaked the hell out, the next. I feel like I am going to drive myself insane.
I don't know how to resolve this within myself and/or how to communicate about it with him. My self-esteem has lowered since beginning this friendship. This always happens to me when I open myself up to possibly get hurt. However, I know I deserve a happy, healthy relationship with someone who sees my value.
Thanks for any and all input.
Remind yourself that you haven't even met this man yet, Ally, so you really don't even know him, much less know if you could really like him. Sounds like there's two things going on here. While it sounds like you may have some of your own unresolved issues that cause you to be "rejection-sensitive", there's obviously something he's triggering in you as well. Throw off the shame, throw off the foolish feeling and see what you have without that. Give him some space to pursue you, allow yourself some quiet to listen to what your intuition is trying to tell you. And don't be afraid to reach out for professional help if you're not able to see this for yourself. You deserve to be loved!
Thanks Jane. I am in counseling, and I will definitely be discussing this issue at my next appointment. I'm just very conflicted at the moment. I know the answers will come. It might not be the answers I am hoping for, and I will deal with that when I finally have clarity regarding the whole situation.
Thanks for the reply. It really doesn't feel right for me and i think maybe i have choosen him and dont know if he has choosen me. He keeps saying he did what's best for us and doesn't want his family to see me too often so they can respect me. I am still trying to let it go and maybe with time i will. Thanks again
Hello Jane
I need your help, cause i dont know if i can trust him again. I met my bf last year november. When i met him, he was in a relationship but they were having issues. in december, they separated. I warned myself about the possibility of rebound and was careful staying as just friends. In January he told me he was ready to start a relationship and we started dating. He is from a family of 8 with 6 girls and 2 guys. He is the 1st boy. He is 31 and i am 25. When we started dated as soon as his sisters heard about it, some were in support and some wanted him to sort things out with his ex instead of breaking up. He told them he was done with her and is with me now. In March his mum called to let him know she has talked to his ex and he should try and meet the ex to discuss. That put a strain in our relationship. I told him i feel like i am not accepted. He said he hasnt told his mum about me yet. That he doesnt want to hurriedly introduce me to her, since he just got out of a relationship she might not take me seriously. Said he will mention me to her and tell her to forget about the ex. He talked to her..told her he has met someone and is getting to know her, that he has moved on and when we get serious he will bring me to her. Things were good for a while, then his mum called again in May that the ex came to see her and was talking about how my bf didnt treat her right. The mum said she told her, since the whole issue happened in december, the mum sent for her and she never came until almost 6 months later. That there is nothing she can do now.. so my bf called his ex and told her he has moved on and thats how that ended. Now at that point i felt it was important i meet his mum. I insisted for a while until he finally agreed to take me to her in June. In june when i was supposed to meet her, it coincided with one of his elder sister giving birth to a child, so all his sisters out of town traveled down to visit. I met all of his family..the sisters with their kids, his mum and dad and even went out for lunch together with them. When i got home asked him what their comments where. He said they all liked me and accepted me. One particularly time in April, he asked me when i want to settle down, I told him this year..maybe in October..he said how about december? December is fine. I agreed and we laughed. I have always wanted to get married at 25/26 and i feel he is the right guy for me cause we both love ourselves and have a focused relationship. Well to my surprise last weekend, i was spending the weekend at his place and he told me he will be going to his sister's place to help kill a goat as they are celebrating something. He sounded like he didnt know what they were celebrating..and i never asked what it was. Later that day i started teasing his younger brother and the younger brother's friend about going to kill a goat. They laughed. Then when they were about to leave, they said "see you tomorrow"..i told them you wont see me tomorrow till next week..and they looked shocked, then asked "aint you coming for the child dedication?. Thats when it occured to me his elder sister was dedicating her baby and i was the only one who didnt know. I felt like a fool..so embarrassed. As soon as they left..i called my bf..so angry with him for hiding it from me. He pleaded on the phone and came home. Said he didnt want to tell me cause he didn't want me to feel bad when he doesnt invite me. I wondered why. Said he got an advise to bring a girl home when he wants to get married. I probed further, then he said his mum told him that she was expecting when he brings me is to tell them we are getting married. I dont know how that translates to excluding me from family events. I thought its supposed to even mean he should show seriousness that he is ready to settle down and for someone who already talked with me about us settling down in december, that action doesnt match his words at all.
I felt bad but consoled myself with the fact that maybe its just a "family only" party.
Some days later i was with him and asked him about the party..said it went well..told me all of his sisters came around and asked after me..then i discovered he invited a guy friend..also his younger brother, his younger brother's friend and their girls were all there. I felt excluded and so down. I cant get over it and just feel like not seeing him or calling him ever again. I dont know if i am overreacting and if his action shows he has no serious plans for the two of us.
Sorry for the lengthy write up.
Thanks
Trust yourself here, Ivy. If it doesn't feel right to you, then something isn't right for you. It takes time to get to know someone, but when their actions don't support their words, and you're left not trusting him more than you trust him, that tells you a great deal. What you do with that is always about what he's worth to you and what you can live with, but if remember who you are and just how much you have to offer someone who is truly worthy of you, your answers will become clearer. If you're the one doing the choosing, are you choosing him? Or are you looking for him to choose you?
Miss J, I am sorry to see that after 2 years you are still wondering about your relationship.
Its a sad fact that two people sometimes want different things, expect different things.....fantasize about VERY different futures.
You will never know unless you ask the question. I asked the question many times to my ex....and he led me on for three years.
But I do have to say that Jane is right when she has said in previous comments that ACTIONS speak louder than words.......sadly thats so true.
It would appear that your boyfriend hasnt even thought about you two living together. He seems to be happy with the way things are......but what are YOU happy with.????
As previous people have said to you....dont settle. It only messes you up.
I settled and settled until I had a meltdown. Its so much harder on us when we go against our intuition. I have lost my self esteem, my worth ... and climbing back up the way is really hard for me this time.
Please look after yourself. You deserve every happiness in the world. You are worth it.
Love always, Wilma xxx
Thank you for adding your words here, Wilma. I've heard she appreciates them all. 🙂
I too would talk to him, but if things were great for three months and now he says "if he can find," sounds like he is looking.
Don't be taken for granted, if you ask him directly, and he responds with something you don't want to hear, thank him and walk away. He knows how to find you, but he'll only try if he realizes he does want you.
If I've learned anything from my broken heart, it's that you can't convince someone to love you the way you want when you want. They either believe the relationship is worth the effort, or they don't.
Goodbyes hurt, but they hurt even longer if you hang on instead of moving on.
I hope your dream comes true with this man, but know you're in good company with the masses that read this website if they don't.
Goid luck!
Thanks for adding to the conversation, Liz. What you've learned is so very true.
I agree with Angel, no one can read minds just communicate with him what you want! I cannot speak for anyone else, I have made this same mistake over and over again. Not letting men know what I WANTED!! But this is a new day!! I communicate everything so there will never be a misunderstanding. Don't let someone make a decision for your life! Communicate, Wait if it is not going in the right direction you want it to, then move on...DON'T SETTLE!!!
Exactly, RealDavis. You've said it all!
I think miss J should either be candid with the guy and ask him what he means and where she stands or simply write him off and move on.
Thanks for adding your thoughts here, Matinetsa. We always have the option to make it this simple.
I would just tell him that I also wish that I had a nice sane MAN to settle down with, and see what happens after that. It seems that she is afraid to tell him what she is feeling, and he is testing her.
That may well be, Sheila. Thanks for adding your thoughts here.
I am in a similar situation, I met a gorgeous 63 year old doctor, 2 years ago, gorgeous, at least to me, and going through a divorce, no kids. We hit it off and see only each other since we met. We have opened our lives to each other and really have no secrets. I am 2 years younger and this is the best relationship of my life. He is protective and devoted and I could not ask for more. I own my ow apartment and he lives in a house in the suburbs. I mentioned several times that I am so tired of living in a small apartment and wish I could live in a house with a yard and a garden ( like he has!). So last week he told me he found a great house that he thinks I should go look at and possibly buy!!! I am with him two years and his divorce became final this month. Do you think he will ever actually commit to me, or am I wasting my time? Why would he say I should go to look at the house? Doesn't he know I want to be living with him in his house?
Hi Adrienne.
Reading your post, there's a question that lingers: you say you have been together for two years, but at the same time you're asking if he'll ever commit to you. Why? Have you been together as just hanging out or are you his official girlfriend?
It seems off to me that after two years, you find yourself wondering.
About your second question if he doesn't know you want to live with him: if you haven't told him that straight up, how will he know? Don't communicate via innuendos or hints. Be concise, be clear and simple about what you want and watch his response. Men don't communicate the way we do. They take you at your word. You said you wanted to live in A house, with a garden. He thought of that and suggested you looked at one. Just read your words. Where did you say you want to live with him?
Don't be afraid to be clear and direct. Communication is key in a relationship and you need to speak your mind about what's important to you. The only way to know if he'll ever commit to you or if you're wasting your time is you talking this out with him and asking him. You start by telling him how you feel about him and what you want and then you listen. You know deep down how to proceed, Adrienne. Your own instinct is a precious gift.
Lots of love and clarity.
I couldn't agree more, Angel. Thanks for jumping in here!
I so hear you, Adrienne. We think he should know. After all, it's so clear to you. But what he hears is that you have a problem - tired of living in small apartment - and so he responds with a logical, practical way to fix that problem - he found a great house for you to look at and possibly buy. It's what so many men do best - fix problems.
I know we think it's so obvious, and we don't come right out and say what we actually want because we want it to come from him to know he's actually there on that same page, too, but if he's not, hinting around isn't going to make that happen. He's obviously content with where things are with you. This is what his actions and his words are telling you right now - that this is working for him. It may not ever change. Or it might. But what you have now is all you really have to go on.
So my question to you would be, are you happy with the way things are right now? Is this enough for you if it doesn't change? Would it be enough if he can't give you anything more than this? What is being with him on his terms worth to you, versus not being with him if the type of commitment you're looking for is worth more? There's always a reason you're not comfortable with talking to him directly about what you really want to see happen here, and usually it's because you sense you'd scare him off if you did. Is that the case here? That tells you a lot if it is.
Instead of hinging so much of you and your happiness on what he does or doesn't do, what if you focused on filling your own cup so full of the people and place and things that make you feel happy and loved and worthy apart from him? What if you could allow him to be who he is while you create enough of a life outside of him that you can be true to yourself to instead of waiting for him to come around and commit to you?
The fact that his divorce becomes final this month may change things, but it may not either. Again, you have to weigh what you're comfortable with in terms of letting him know what you're looking for and what you need, and your wanting this to all happen naturally and come directly from him. What you can live with and what you can't is always your decision.
I think Miss J should sit him down and talk to him. He obviously likes her. At the same time he can't project his friends ladies or his past ones on her. Miss J is her own beautiful self and deserves to be treated as such.
Thank you for adding your perspective here, Heather. It all helps!
Trust consistent action not words. Personality and character are not the same. A trustworthy character whose actions speak for themselves, is the best bet.
So true, Jackie. Thank you.