“I've never treated anyone as bad as I treated you, Jane. I just wasn't there but I didn't know how to communicate this to you.”
It was the other side of the story, the one I never heard before.
But now, with a new life and a new, more confident me, I had sought out the guy who had broken my heart just a few years earlier to see if he would meet up with me when I was back in town.
He agreed to, and we did, although if I was honest with myself, I was looking for more than just an explanation. I also wanted to see what might still be there now that time and distance was now between us and I was finally feeling confident on my own.
You know, that “let him see me now with how much I've changed and see if what couldn't be back then, might be possible be now” kind of story we all want to see.
And so over pasta in a hip little restaurant in the trendy West end of my hometown Vancouver, I asked him what I never had the courage to ask when I found myself sick over our relationship a few short years ago: “Why?”
He didn't know.
He couldn't answer me.
Except to say that he knew he had never treated anyone as badly as me – as badly as I knew in my heart I had allowed him to treat me.
He didn’t call when he said he was going to.
He left me hanging when I was waiting to confirm plans with him.
He went out with his friends instead of going out with me.
He contacted me when he wanted to and would rather spend time alone much of the time instead of with me.
And yet we were supposedly in a committed relationship. Although having never defined it, I now realize it was all based on assumptions.
I assumed we were on the same page because we were dating, he had assured me he wanted to be with me, and I assumed when he said “let’s just see where it goes” that it meant the same thing to him as it did to me.
What I didn't realize was that over time, as much as he had come to see that I was looking for more of a committed relationship than he was, he thought he might get there, too.
He enjoyed being with me, he just couldn't get past it. And as I would later discover in my conversations with my friends' boyfriends and then later with my husband’s single guy friends, there was a similar patterning occurring among so many of these men.
If they weren't on the same page as someone they were dating who gave more than they were able to give in return and wanted more of a commitment than they were ready for, they didn't know how to communicate these differences without either ending it completely or simply making it too uncomfortable to continue seeing each other.
And the irony was they didn't really want it to end, but they couldn't live with themselves giving so much less than they felt they “should” since these women in their lives were giving so much to them.
So that’s why they would disappear, they wouldn't call back, they would give even less of themselves so that they wouldn't have to come right out and end it.
But to communicate that wasn't something they were ever taught or shown how to do, so instead, what we see is the disappearing act, with them getting emotionally distant to take the pressure they were feeling off of them. It's never about anyone else except them.
But of course, that was the part I never knew, that so few of us ever do.
Instead, we tell ourselves the exact opposite of that story.
To us, it’s all about us. And what we’re not. And what we should be. And what is wrong with us. And why we’re not worth being with because we can’t ever seem to get it right.
We don't realize that it's not about us, but who we're choosing. It's that we’re simply choosing the same types of guys over and over again.
We make it about why we’re not good enough, why we’re too much of something and not enough of everything else. Of why everyone else seems to get this, but we don’t. And then we let it spiral us down as we beat ourselves up, reprimanding ourselves about what we “should” have done differently or “should” have known better.
How could you have known?
You were doing the same thing as he was, getting to know each other better, finding out how compatible the two of you were and he was simply inspired by you to become so much more, to finally get this right himself and be able to commit to a real relationship with someone who brought this side of him out, too.
But it wasn't enough because it was coming from you, not him.
Do you see this?
He doesn't turn this on himself and start beating himself up for what he isn't and what he can’t do. He shrugs it off as just the way it is, seeing the reality of the situation. He doesn't get caught up in a fantasy of something else that has nothing to do with two people who it turns out aren't right for each other.
He’s not taking it personally.
He’s not holding it against you. He’s not thinking you’re a “bad” person or not worthy of love or inherently “wrong” or any of the other things we tell ourselves this disconnect, this two people on two different pages story is about.
It’s only you who insists on doing this to your beautiful self!
This same guy who was now telling me how his side would never know how many nights I had lain awake obsessing about what to say and what to do, over analyzing every part of our past conversations trying to figure out what was really going on.
He would never know the notes I had written to myself trying to remember that his reaction to me had nothing to do with me but everything to do with him, if only I could have believed it at the time.
Don’t let yourself get caught up like this in a story that has everything to do with you and nothing to do with him.
It’s not your fault that he can’t give you what you so want him to. It’s not for you to take on what was never yours in the first place. This story you’re telling yourself about your own version of “why” isn't the version he would tell you.
If he’s honest with you – and honest with himself - it wasn't that you were too needy or too clingy or too whatever else you've told yourself it must have been. It was that he wasn't there, that he didn't quite know what to do with you, and he didn't know how to express himself in a way that would have freed the both of you.
It’s time to put the old story to rest and tell yourself a new one. The real one. The one that frees you now.
How about you? What assumptions are you making about his side of the story? Tell us in the comments!
I've been around long enough to have experienced several men who are "emotionally unavailable." I have to agree with the comments that we are excusing this behaviour because they're men. I find it very difficult to accept this and to try and believe this to make myself feel better. It doesn't make me feel better at all. After reuniting with the love of my life after many years, hearing him tell me that he wants us to be back together, planning to visit me, calling me and everything else, and then have him disappear, not answer my phone calls, emails, texts, how do I excuse this saying he was raised this way and I deserve better. Yes, I deserve better, but he also knows what he's done. He's a grown man and I think these men need to be accountable for the damage they are causing and the broken hearts and self esteem that is damaged, sometimes for years. I can't just say oh well, and move on- I deserve more, sorry it just doesn't work that way. I do blame myself, I do stay awake wondering what I said or do to put him off again, how I could have ruined this second chance. Whether it's me or not, of course I think it is when all of a sudden he's gone. I relive every conversation, every word and wonder why all the time, not a day goes by that I don't wonder and ask myself why.
Thank you so much for giving this perspective--I feel better but k now that he could have done more/said more if he CHOSE to and he didn't. This helps to bring closure to my angst.
This is nice, but I'm honestly so tired of everyone apologizing for men who act this way. The whole "they were raised to be tough and not show their emotions" routine may have some truth to it, but they were also raised to be MEN. To be strong. To do the right thing. Not to cowardly slink off, leaving behind a hurt and confused woman whose only crime was caring about him. And they certainly know how to show their emotions in situations when it benefits them. Whether it's to get the girl, or just get her into bed, these poor, confused men can suddenly get in touch with their feelings to say and do all the right things.
I don't think Jane is excusing their poor behavior, she's rather explaining for some of us who haven't thought of that other perspective. Understanding can do wonders for us to recognize things we don't want or have outgrown.
I know there are a lot of frustrating men out there. I had my own share of suffering, but it also helped me to realize what my part in all of it was: I was choosing to ignore, to hang on, to give my power away and I had no idea.
If there's anything I learned is that a man who behaves that way is a man I don't want, is man no one wants and who cannot add to any woman's happiness. That man has much more to lose if he never grows.
Learning from these experiences allows us to spot the many men out there who don't behave this way. I have met many great men since I adjusted my way of thinking after I went through the process of grieving my last disappointment.
Of course no one wants a man who behaves that way. But when he treats you well for months and then insists his feelings for you haven't changed when you DO notice red flags and ask him straight out what's going on...THEN disappears, it's heartbreaking. And getting over it's not as easy as just saying "Oh well I deserve a better guy than that." We're repeatedly told (not specifically on this blog) that we have to understand that men are wired differently and they aren't equipped to deal with emotions and confrontation. But how many times has a man taken the cowardly way out, only to resurface with an apology or hopes for reconciliation weeks, months or years later? Talk about a confrontational/emotional situation! The damage has already been done, and it must take a lot of courage to approach a wronged woman. So how do they find it in them to face things then, rather than saving everyone the agony with an honest breakup talk from the beginning??
Sorry I meant I thought we might begin again, or that we were.
Hi Jane,
What you do for women is so amazing. The way you reply to those who sound upset or angry is very special. Never stop, you are a treasure!
I've written before about my ex-partner, he is around again seeing me twice so far and saying he'd like to see me again. By see I mean a drink/dinner and a chat, lots of little touches, cheek kisses and hugs. I have come to realise the source of our struggles and I wonder if I should talk to him about it?
What I have realised is that in our closeness we found each others fears and instead of accepting them in ourselves and each other we let them take over and grow. In the end a fear came true and he allowed another woman to get close to him online and I felt him falling away from me, of course I panicked. I feel that if we had admitted our fears to ourselves and each other and realised what a privilege it is to know someone so deeply and been supportive that these things would never have become an issue for us. We would have continued to bring out the best in each other. I know he still loves me after 5 months apart, I don't know what the future holds but it would be nice to know if my feelings on this are right. I can see a pattern from another ex as well, we were together 2 1/2 years. What do you think Jane?
Thank you, Staci, for your beautiful words. I do remember you! So assuming you're on the right track - and it sounds like you're onto something here - would it benefit your relationship to be able to talk about this openly with him? Is he in a place where he would be open to this type of conversation? Would he be receptive to hearing this and receiving it from you? I ask you these questions not because you should go by what his response will be - you have every right to talk about whatever you want with him - but if he's not open to it, just making this discovery may be helpful to you while it may do nothing for him. If you can't talk about things like this with someone you're supposedly progressing in a love relationship with, and it's important to you, then that may be a problem in itself. That said, there are some introspective things that we perceptive, feeling, intuitive types see and love to talk about that the men we love don't ever fully understand. In that case, it's ok to find a treasured friend to share these aha moments with, knowing that while your guy may appreciate them, he's not the type to go as deep as you on things like this. Listen to your gut instinct here; you've known him a long time, do what feels right to you. There's no wrong answer with someone who's truly right for you.
I had not thought about it like that, but I am a little surprised he didn't come up with it himself. We both think about things deeply. I was told by my daughter that he was seeing someone and she had gone on holiday with him and his parents. So I emailed him what I was going to tell him and I also said I understood he had a new partner. I am crushed, no completely but it hurts. I had thought with our meetings and him getting jealous while we were out, asking if I was with anyone, saying he'd not been with anyone for a long time, saying how much he missed me, needing me for things, helping with my daughter, and wanting to see me more that we would begin again.
He replied that he agreed with all I had said and he was working on himself and that he was seeing someone and she had gone with him and his parents on holiday but that he is not sure he wants to make it serious with her because of some reasons. Commented on my lovely writing, and that was it. I am in a bit of shock I think. I don't know what to do or say, perhaps there is nothing more but why do I feel like I dont want him to see me on dating sites.
Thank you Jane
Because you still have hope, Staci. You still want to believe there could be something more and you don't want to be the one responsible for taking away that chance if he sees you on the dating sites. Don't go there. It will only hurt you more. He can't give you what you're looking for - and you're not asking for too much. Someone who's truly right for you will want to be in your life, won't be ambiguous about what he wants, and won't leave you wondering what to think. That's how you'll know!
I just discovered your blog today and find it so insightful. Thank you. I am going through so much of this right now. I have felt like we have been on a different page for over a year now, and have not known what to do about it. I let it build and build until I think I have completely freaked him out with my explosion of feelings. Not a good thing. I have been beating myself up for so long now that my self esteem is so low, so the discovery of your articles could not have come at a better time. I love him, and he loves me. I know that. I also know that our situations are very different and it's been a long time since I've really felt like he accepted mine (children mostly), and just tolerated it. Somehow I hope I can remember that all the signs I have been seeing are not because there is something wrong with my children or I, it is that we are not right for him, in the time of life that he is in. Now how do you deal with the sadness and loss that that realization brings? I really do love him.
So glad you found your way here, S. Welcome! Stop beating yourself up for what you held in you - and you both knew - for all too long. I did the same thing in the post where I discovered the same thing for myself - that I couldn't make anyone love me, no matter how much you try.
It's not you - it never is. You accept that sadness and loss by feeling it - all of it, whatever feelings come up for you. Let them in, but see them for what they are - feelings. They'll come and go. They're nothing to be afraid of, just observe them and see how they come and go. When they come, remind that beautiful little girl inside you that she's enough - that you're enough - and your children are enough - and she's only as alone as she leaves herself alone. Write down all those beautiful qualities you possess, and all those qualities you adore about your children.
You have so much to offer someone who is truly worthy of you, S. Don't force yourself to stop loving him, in time you'll see the reality of who he is and what he can't give you in a such a clearer light, and this will all become so much easier for you. Hang in there; that you're here and seeing this much already is huge!!
Thank you. I needed this. I have done this to myself too. Even though I knew his issues, I still am trying not to beat myself up.
You're so welcome, MB. It's hard not to when it's what we're so used to doing this to ourselves! It's never, ever about you.
I just came across this article so don't know if comments are still being read but this sounds so much like the situation that I was in. That is why it is very hard to assign "blame" on the other person because on some level I do think they are doing the best that they can. You make a great point too that it is so easy when we are in the middle of it all, we blame ourselves and the other person can easily seem more attractive. I believe you have some excellent insights in your blogs. I really do believe that many men have similar experiences. Thanks.
Exactly, Liam! Blame never does for us what we think it will. After the initial high of making someone else responsible for our happiness, we come crashing down to the reality that in this process, we've also given them all our power. I'm so glad these pieces are resonating with you. There are some of the finest men I've met who find themselves here telling their own stories of these similar experiences as a man. For someone who has processed the illusion of what she thinks she's looking for, it will be a refreshing pleasure for her to meet someone like you.
Dee so sorry you are going through this, I hesitated adding anything to this conversation, but thought maybe I could be just a little bit helpful, Two years ago I too sent an email to Jane with similar concerns as you have mentioned. I have been to hell and back trying to let go of a relationship that was not defined with a man who refused to commit but would not let me go. He set the stage for the relationship, controlled what we could talk about,was emotionally abusive, would rage at me if I dare spoke about my feelings, and all through this would tell me how much I meant to him, called and text me several times a day the whole works. The only thing is, he was just a player who wanted me to stay hooked as an option. Our relationship was very superficial, and every time I thought we were getting closer, he would make sure to do or say something to make me think otherwise. He started distancing himself from me, less phone calls less text messages to the point I felt ignored. What did I do? I cut of all contact with him. I got to the point that this was futile, and no matter how much I wanted to be in a relationship with him, we were not on the same page. I have since realized that this man is a narcissist. I have spent hours reaching and educating myself why this relationship could not go any other way than it did. The devalue and discard stage was when I finally realized that this was not normal behavior from someone who claimed to love me. Love does not hurt it uplifts. I was tired of feeling miserable and so I took my power back. Dee I suggest you Google narcissistic psychopath and see if you see any patterns or behaviors that you have experienced with this guy. It has been eye opening for me. Now I know it is not me, it's all about him, and he will treat everyone else the same way. Hope this helps.
I remember you, Marie; and I'm so glad you were able to see this for yourself in your own time and way. It's what makes it all so real and allows you to be able to add so much to the conversations here. Thank you!
Is it best to just walk away and not answer the phone when he calls or should you tell him that your not going to be mistreated and deserve better than what he is offering?
Do what gives you the most peace. Trust yourself to know what you would think is best. We always know. Think of the pros and cons of both and decide based on that. Good luck.
Like Angel said, Hurting, ask yourself which will feel better to you after all is said and done. If you have more to say to him, but value yourself more than putting yourself out there by communicating with him, consider writing everything out in a letter you don't send. Then you still hold your own power without making yourself dependent on what he does or doesn't do in response to you. It's all about doing what brings you the greatest amount of peace while leaving you with the least amount of regrets.
I have been here and did often wonder but one day o said tp myself maybe he did tell me in his own subtle way.So i said if ilove you enough to understand all this i can let you go.He said yes it is best.Not as easy as it sounds but had to be done.MY dilema now is i have an alcoholic boyfriend who has quit drinking for three weeks and he at time to be nice but other times is a mean guy and thinks if he says sorry it makes it all og over.Hurtful words .Abuse how do i realize i cant continue this way.Please tell me what you think .Thanks
Only you know the answer to that question. Why would you hang on to someone who abuses you? What happens if you let go and walk away? What are you afraid of? No one can tell you. No one can tell you what to do. Just look at the pattern you are creating and see where you need to make changes to think about yourself and do something honoring of the woman you are. Holding on to men who don't love you or worse, abuse you is sign of a big, deep rooted issue and it is not honoring of you. I hope you have the strength and clarity you need to do what's best for yourself.
By realizing this is as good as it gets, Denise. These "hurtful words", "abuse" - is this what you imagined when you think of what it means to be loved? Our love relationships aren't meant to hurt; they're meant to be the loving place where we can be accepted and loved for being ourselves, and treated in a loving way. You deserve so much more than settling for someone who is "at times nice but other times is a mean guy". It doesn't get better, it only gets worse the more you accept this and put up with it. You realize you can't continue this way by refusing to. You're lovable and beautiful just as you are, Denise; there's no one you need to prove this to.
Wow Jane! This article speaks volume for me. Just what I needed to understand. All along I was making it about him...what I was doing wrong? what I needed to do? and so forth. In retrospect, I realize that I was the one doing all the doing. This gentleman, if I even dare refer to him as a gentleman is really a selfish, egotistical player as I have been concluding for awhile now. We met awhile back, and as most people experienced, was sweet and happening to begin with. As time went on the distancing crept in, and calls and text were far and in between. I guess I was hanging on to sweet nothings, and living a fantasy, when a relationship was not even defined. I too was told about the clingy, breathing down the neck scenario...even when I did not consider this the case. This man holds a very demanding position on his job, and he is always traveling,and attending meetings all over. In the beginning, he would share his itinerary and would touch base even while on his trips. If he was driving 4-6 hrs away, he would call me and converse on and off for a good part of the journey. I thought we were on the same page, until like I said the distancing started. Once after not hearing from him after a few days into his trip, I placed a call, and I texted...he sent back an angry text about breathing down his neck. It was then that I realized that this person was not all that he cracked up to be, or something else was bothering him. I would take his harsh remarks personal and give him space. When he felt enough time had passed and he did not hear from me, he would call or text repeatedly with all the nice things... calling me his Lady, his Love, his All and All asking that I answer him...and what does a lady typically do... feel all mushy and respond...and the cycle begins again and again. Reading your post make me realize that I am not doing anything wrong. I am not clingy nor needy. As a matter of fact, if the same energy i gave was reciprocated, I would not have to so to speak "beg" for a man's attention. As one person in the thread says...Love is effortless. Makes me want to disbelieve all these other so called relationship experts, who writes so much in favor of men. How you must treat them to get their love....almost as if walking on eggshells...when as you mention, you should feel free to be yourself. I find that when there is close contact, such as a date, he would do quite the opposite of what comes across on the phone. I sense that he does not want to have any intimate contact that would make him feel he is now obligated, or plant a seed in my head that there is commitment. I really believes he likes me, but because of his busy life, he does not want to bite off more than he can chew....so to speak. I have expressed in the past how he is hurting my feelings....how I must have received the worst treatment from him...how he has led me on time and time again, and yet we can't have that something special going. I have received apologies, but no action was taken to make the situation better. I believe as my friends say..This man is doing HIM! I am not priority! He is married to his job! And most of all, he is emotionally unavailable, and is not looking for or have time for commitment! Yes Jane, the same experience as yours. I could see him on social media hollering at his friends, adding himself to invited special events that he is going....but even after weeks of not speaking to me, he does not include me. He blames everything on his tight schedules, but he will find time for what he wants. So tho hard and painful it is, I am slowly learning to LET GO of something that was probably all in my head. To LET GO of something that is making me miserable. To LET GO of something that seem to be all lies! And instead to focus my energy into things that will distract me from this lame kind of loveless affair. You are so right...nothing is wrong with us ladies. If only we could look past the things men do, and realize that it is not really REJECTION... that sometimes they just can't MAN Upp, and they take the cowardly way out, by distancing, ignoring, not caring, and being all into self. He has not entertained my request for a "TALK" that I have been asking for, because he wants to keep me as an option I think. Lately I wondered if this guy is a narcissist, because of some behaviors that come with that disorder that resonates in him, based on my reading. Well whatever he is , I realize it's time to get the hell away from even thinking this is any kind of relationship. So it's More about ME and what I tolerate, and how I process his reaction to me. I can't go on making my poor heart work overtime, feeling love for someone, who clearly is sucking the emotional life out of me! Your posts have been real eye openers. Thank You Jane!
I'm so glad these are resonating with you, Dee, and helping you see that you're "the only one doing all the doing".
"You are so right...nothing is wrong with us ladies. If only we could look past the things men do, and realize that it is not really REJECTION... " Thank you for reiterating this, Dee. My point exactly!!
Hi Jane, I know this post is about coming to terms with your ex just not being there and the fact that it wasn't about you at all, but I'm curious...did you ask if your ex was in a committed relationship now? And if he was, what did he think was the turning point that made him able to do so? I'm wondering if you were the right person but just met at the wrong time. I'm going through something similar to this myself and it kills me to think that if I had met him at a point where he was ready to commit, it would all work out. I would love to hear your thoughts on this.
He wasn't then, and last I heard more recently he was still single, Anne. The same goes for my husband's single friends; they're all still single now with the exception of one, and all of these men are in their 40s and 50s. I wrote an earlier post about how we tried to set up some of our single friends at our wedding years ago, but all of them thought they could do better. All but one of that group are still single. Don't let it kill you, Anne; it can't. And rest assured that you'll be the first to know if he gets there. But don't hold your breath waiting for it. It's in the living we find love, not in the waiting. It's so hard not to buy into the fantasy of "if only I had met him at a different time!" But that's the part that "kills" us - the fantasy! If it's meant to be, it will be, but only because both people want it to be. You're so not alone!
Thank you Jane.
There is a recently published Ebook, published on Amazon Kindle, which documents a very similar, unfortunately very real, scenario. It is about 'A liaison with an emotionally unavailable man' , and is entitled 'The Emperor without his new clothes'.You might want to check it out?
I'm in a relationship with a guy who is treating me almost identical to your ex Jane. I've never been so confused and miserable in my life yet can't seem to walk away. My bf, or lack there of, has been ignoring me more lately, hardly see eachother, don't live together, won't say I love U back if I say it first & still havent met his parents & we've been together almost 2yrs! The assumptions i make, and theres a lot, is that he just doesn't care. I tell him that too. He just tells me that it won't matter what he says or does, I'll think what I want. Well it's only obvious cuz of his actions and being non existent. It's like he's in denial himself and won't admit im right. We aren't on the same page even though he claims to be. So I do make up a lot of assumptions but he never reassures me on how im wrong. I want nothing more than this to work out but I dnt know if it will or can. I've never felt so awful, so sad and & hurt as much as I do with him. But I can't let him go. It's draining me emotionally and physically. I love recieving ur emails as it all relates to my situation, but I still dont know how I'll ever get out of this...
I so hear you, Danielle. It's so hard to be the only one who wants to make it work when you see so much potential! Go easy with yourself and remember that as you walk your way through this, you are free at anytime to have your life the way you want it, regardless of what he wants or doesn't want or isn't capable of getting to. It doesn't have to be so cut and dry; it can be as simply as shifting the focus from him and what he does or doesn't do, to you and your own life. By shifting like this, you take back your own power to create your own life, to fill your own cup so that you're not so dependent on him to keep it full. Discover your own hobbies and passions and where your interests lie and then go out and do what you need to do to take care of you, not anyone else, but you. Because when you shift like this, when you open up a whole new world to you based on who you really are and what makes you happy apart from him, your perspective and the way you see him will become more clear. Don't rush it, and don't fight it either. No one can do this part for you; it has to come from you. But in time, when you live your life like this, it will. Until then, the most loving thing you can do is keep giving to yourself, keep checking in with yourself to find out if this is still working for you, and trust that you won't do this to yourself for longer than you can live with.
Hi Eric,
Thanks for your thoughts. You are a man, probably you would have a better perspective about what he has in mind (he is thinking or how a man thinks). Before he said he does not wish to continue communicating with me, prior to it, he mentioned that I am looking for too much too quickly. I did apologized for over-reacting but he doesn't want to accept it anymore. Our issue is: we are not on the same page. He distance himself/ignore me completely. Perhaps, he is really busy as he just joined a company end of July. He felt he is better on his own.
I stopped analyzing of what went wrong or etc. as I believed I have done enough of explanations and learn to let go. In the beginning, before reading some of Jane's article: I felt why suddenly he behaved that way?. When we were chatting or dating (going out), we know we have the chemistry (attractions/feel nice being together)
Anyway, the Christmas Greetings & Gift (something that he is looking for) may not change anything. I send because I felt there were slight misunderstandings between us. I may like to look forward to be just "friends", if he respond and I would feel good about it. I am not trying to change anything. Just be sincere and send nice greetings!
Hi Joyce,
If you have the means, I would definitely suggest working with Jane: At the very minimum I think you'd find at least a single session beneficial and perhaps help guide you through this period of time. At the very minimum she'd be able to give you some good guidance and help you to determine if this is really something you would want to do.
Happy Holidays.
Eric
Thanks Eric for the suggestions.
I believe he is like what Dee's said: emotionally not available/too busy with his new job/afraid of commitment/etc. He is 50 years old, new high flying job. No doubt, I see a lot of potential and I felt he really likes me, is may be too hard to keep him. I have already shift my focus to work and some dancing class. Time to let go since he ignores all my texts and give me his cold shoulder (or put up a no contact rules, 1 and half month ago).
Jane, any insight you like to add on? I would great appreciate it. Thank you.
The only thing I'd add here, Joyce, is to believe what you're seeing here for yourself - as much as you "see a lot of potential", the reality you've described here is showing you what page he's on loud and clear. "...he ignores all my texts and give me his cold shoulder".
Hi Joyce,
While my circumstances are completely different from yours, I will say, from what working with Jane and what I learned during my sessions at the time during my breaking up "officially" with my other half this past September is that you should only continue to communicate with the other person "if it what you can live with....You have to do what you need to do for you."
I am very grateful that she and I both made the decision to want to be with one another such that our relationship, no matter that we no longer in a "defined" relationship with societal parameters providing a context as to what and how we should behave together in a partnership together but one that is instead free flowing and between two people who have chosen to be with one another, my outcome is very different from those of many others.
What I am saying is that, if ultimately you and the other person are truly not on the same page about where you want to be together, then why would you want to continue to communicate with them?I ask rhetorically. But it leads to a point that Jane made to me after ending my "official" relationship:" If you need to do it for your to feel good about yourself or to feel like you've done the right thing, that's one thing, but don't do it in the hopes that it will change anything." That is obviously taken out of context of the entire conversation thread, but the point is the same: I was at the time trying to make a point across to my other half about how I felt about her and the "official" relationship that we'd just terminated only four days earlier.
I would ask you to ask the same of yourself before sending him a Christmas card: Is it because you still have something to say to him about your feelings and the relationship that you terminated? If so, then I would strongly recommend against doing so.
Just my thoughts.
Eric
Thanks for adding your perspective here, Eric.
Thanks for sharing this Jane: I now have different perspective about a gentleman who is not at the "Same Page" as me. We met at the dating website: In the beginning it was all lovely (2 months), I assumed we were in the same page. After I read your article: I discovered that "why" he said he did not want to continue to communicate with me anymore and said that he is happy on his own: busy with a new job, integrating into a new country. For a month or so, I tried texting him and explaining, apologized for over-reacting etc. and ask if he could consider another "try" but of course, he did not respond at all (he ignored all my texts).
After reading some of your previous articles: I stop completely (no contact rules) I just respect his space. "If it is meant to be, love is effortless". I learn to let go. No more hard feelings. I think I will still send him a Christmas Card: season greetings with a little gift. Jane, What should I write? Planned to just say: "Merry Christmas"
"If they weren't on the same page as someone they were dating who gave more than they were able to give in return and wanted more of a commitment than they were ready for, they didn't know how to communicate these differences without either ending it completely or simply making it too uncomfortable to continue seeing each other"
This paragraph relates to my past love story!!
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Joyce. Do what you need to do for you, not for anyone else. If you want to send a Christmas card, say what you feel comfortable saying, so that you're not putting yourself out there more than you're comfortable with. What he decides to make of it or do with it is his, don't make it yours. You deserve to be loved - and adored! - by someone on the same page as you!
Thanks for sharing this, Jane. Very interesting perspective. The lesson that I took from your article was that those who cannot give as much to the relationship as the other might be struggling because they are not giving equally. Perhaps they eventually feel guilt...or smothered. And as a result, become emotionally distant. Chasing them, trying to please them will not work. If they will not or no longer treat you with kindness and respect, seems there is little one can do to change that. And being in love with someone like that is perilous. I was never going to be special to her, just someone to be dating and to take her out. Until it got to the point her lack of feelings made things difficult.
My assumptions... instead of insisting that it be clear where I stood with her just kicked the can down the road. Just because I did not want to rock the boat, was too agreeable and assumed she cared, too. This just empowered her to take advantage and do things that were mean and actually cruel. And I let it all go. Like Nichole, I will never know why for sure. But I want to know what I have learned from this experience. I still don't know for sure, except do not kick cans down the road. I guess that is something.
Exactly, Wayne! And that is something 🙂
I can honestly say that im guilty of this. My ex left me. its been 6 months and im still struggling with this. I would always call or text him or show up at his house like a patient who escaped form an insane asylum and he would be totally fine with it. he would comfort me and we did things that im not proud of and I regret it so much. We would do things a couple would do. We would go to the mall, we would go out to a restaurant and eat, catch a movie, or simply go to the store to get things he needed for our apartment, which now is his, his brothers and people he calls friends. I talked to him about 3 weeks and 5 days ago, crying to him on the phone. Too embarrassed to tell him that I was having a mental anxiety breakdown, for him. instead I told him that I had nothing to do and I was bored. I was crying the whole time and I told him that I missed and loved him. He said he cant just drop everything for me. Last thing he said when he hung up was "Im sorry youre bored and have nothing to do, bye." not one day goes by where I do not think of him and the great memories we had. Im leaving to Los Angeles for school in a couple of months nd he knows. I do have some hope that he will come back but I have a feeling that he is done with us. after all if he did want us, then he would have been here by now. All I can say is what's meant to be will be and if he comes back then hopefully its for good and not just cuz he gets scared that im moving on like he would before. He is a lesson learned and a memory. I greatly appreciate this email. It helped me a lot and inspired me to be brave enough to write this response. Jane, your emails always get me through a lot. It helps me to see things a lot more clearer. Thank you Jane. Don't stop being so wonderful.
aw - thank you for your kind words, Sam; I'm so glad these are resonating with you. Don't be so hard on yourself; when you're with someone who triggers you like this, of course you feel crazy anxious like this!! It always takes two. Your role isn't to spend your beautiful time and energy trying to change him, it's to recognize whether the two of you are on the same page and looking for the same thing with each other, and if you're not, choosing what you need to do for you. Take your own power back, Sam; this isn't about where he's at, it's about what you want and what you can live with. The rest is his story, not yours.
Thank you Jane for sharing this with us. My last obsession was quite honest about not wanting to be in a relationship (with me). I sometimes asked him in despair, is it the way I look? Am I too much of this and that?
He simply could not change the way things were. I could jump through hoops or loose 10 pounds, it would not change.
So, now, I am taking myself to a place were I can see eye to eye with me, myself. Where there is so much to discover. Why where crumbs of affection enough to lift me up to a place so high, followed by hours, days of misery. Because I was bot living my true life, it was gnawing at my soul. I am tired after this last love and a bit sad too, but I have this feeling of hope that warms my heart softly, and slowly heals my heart.
Let that warm feeling of hope wash over you and linger awhile, Rose; it's a beautiful thing to actually feel it like you've so beautifully described it here. As you saw for yourself, it wasn't anything you could change about yourself, "He simply could not change the way things were." But you can! You can change how you want things to be for you, not for him, but for the one person who matters more than anything else in the world; you!
This is exactly what i am struggling with after my boyfriend "dumped" me all of the sudden. Everything was perfect and amazing but all of the sudden he stopped texting me like he used to, he started to give excuses and said we can still be friends and do all kind of things. The only thing he can't right now is a committed relationship. I never understand why, but now i finally realized he wants nothing but plays games with me. Even though i moved on, sometimes i still think of him, think of those good ole memories. I even cried about it, but i know that if he comes back, i'm not going to accept it because what's mine is mine, and what's not mine won't be mine. period. He is just a past, a beautiful perfect past. It's ended. Thanks Jane. Every time when i'm dealing with relationship problem, i got your email minutes later, and I'm so glad you analyze everything from different perspectives and wake us up.
I know it's not easy, Nichole, but I'm glad it helps to see things from a different perspective, to realize it's not you, it's not anything you could do differently. It really is about him. We always want to understand but the reality is, we can't because we're not them. What you can do is accept this reality and take care of yourself within that reality, doing the most loving, caring, compassionate thing you can do for yourself. It's ok to think of him, to remember those "good ole memories". But it's never as perfect as we remember it. If it was, you would still be in it.
Jane BRAVO!! This WAS my story.."Let's just see where it goes" right then I should have known to treat the situation as a friendship instead of a relationship. As I have learned you have to PAY ATTENTION to what is being said. Words needy and clingy was said...he did not know how to walk away but hoping I would wake up and walk away....I was in a fantasy. The day he told me he did not want a COMMITTED RELATIONSHIP I woke up...it has taken me almost a year to stop beating myself up and realizing that it was not about him it was about me. He was not enough for me, I did everything that I was suppose to do as I knew. He was not ready for me and all of my FABULOUSNESS!! LOL!!! I do not hold it against him...I have just moved on!! I converse with him now only on a friendship level. I stay on the same page and stay in reality as he does. If he calls - I call. If he text - I text. If he do not...I do not!! GET THE PICTURE!!!
Love the "WAS" my story, past tense, RealDavis. You're seeing this for yourself, getting the picture for yourself and that's worth everything! Be so proud of how far you've come!
Hi Jane,
A very good article. My response, while at once simple is also quite complicated as well. And I think we've, to a certain extent, covered this in past sessions.
If a guy is NOT emotionally unavailable, but both mature AND knows what he wants in life & a relationship, then if he meets a woman that he is truly not compatible with, he will do the right thing and let her know early on, ensuring that much of the uncertainty and emotional hurt that is a common thread to so many of the posted stories, should not happen.
If he is emotionally unavailable, and he's does not know what he wants out of life and a relationship, then what you and many other women experienced will continue to occur.
Now, if the guy is just plain selfish, well, the pain that many women have expressed will simply continue.And that is not a good thing either.
For my own part, I've always tried to be honest and up front, choosing to end things early on rather than letting them get drawn out and with somebody's feelings getting hurt. I admit that I've not had a perfect record in this respect, but I've always tried to live my dating life as such.
Thankfully, at this point in time, things are seemingly going well enough where I won't have to worry about this kind of conduct and hopefully never will again.
Eric
Thanks for adding your perspective here, Eric. Your insight and experience always adds so much to the conversation!
You describe the failure of my most attempted relationships. Thanks for your very sharp insights on our relationship mechanics or dynamics....
I'm glad this resonated with you, Quynh. I so hear you!
It gets easier to meet a new guy thanks to online dating, but also it gets
difficult to keep the guy because he can always choose when someone new/better comes along.
And that's how you'll know he's not the one for you, Y. Because someone who's right for you won't want to be able to "always choose when someone new/better comes along". You're as new and better as there is! It's an illusion that we have to try to "keep the guy", because regardless of how much we may have bought into the programming that tells us this is just the way it is, it's not - unless we choose to make it this way. You only want someone who wants to be with you of his own accord, not someone who you have to try to "make" want to be with you by being anything but your true self. It's how you know. Don't settle for anything less than this. You deserve so much more!
Thank you. Absolutely nailed it. My hardest dealing if late had been the walkaway par and the inability to understand when we were so great together but i know he didn't want us to end he just get badly that he didn't reciprocate the depth of us. Time to move on. Thank you.
Exactly, Dianne; a whole different story from the one we're so used to telling ourselves. So glad this resonated with you!
Thank you, Jane for another beautiful post. This morning precisely I was reading a book that had me bring up my core beliefs again and immediately after, he popped in my head. I can't help but feel so awful whenever I think of being in his presence. It is torture. And it is exactly because of the thoughts I have when I think of his words: I definitely don't want a relationship with you. I just thought if he didn't want a relationship it must be because I am not good enough. Maybe I am too accommodating, I am too available, I am not beautiful enough, fun enough, sweet enough.... It is such a torture. Intellectually I know it is all in my head, but it always feels like it's real and he did think those things because at the core I still think them and feel them in my heart. I don't want to see him ever again because just the thought makes me feel terrible about myself but here's another thing: I feel bad about walking away and not being there for him because technically he hasn't done anything wrong. It was just me who created the whole fantasy in my head. I am responsible for my own state right now. I guess I am having a relapse today. But I am glad I read this to help me ponder this and remember there's nothing wrong with me.
Just let those feelings come up to be acknowledged and felt, but know that they will come and go. That's part of this whole process, too, Angel. Letting what be, be, and not forcing yourself to move forward or "get it" faster than your beautiful heart is ready for. It will catch up soon, I promise you! We all have those days - myself included! - where what we know can't get enough face time with us and instead it's all about what we feel, and it doesn't feel good. We don't feel good. It's just another moment in time, and like all moments, we can excitedly await the next "aha" moment where everything again seems all right in the world. Notice your triggers; I've found that this helps to recognize calmly and matter-of-factly the connections between what's going on for us when we go there.
What's around you? Who's around you? You're never too accommodating, too available, not beautiful enough, fun enough or sweet enough for someone who's right for you. We can always change something about ourselves if we want to, but it has to come from a place of making that change for ourselves, not for someone else. Someone who loves us - who's truly compatible with us - will love us for who we are, not for what they want us to be or think we "should" be. That's how you know where you belong and where you don't. It takes some of us a long time to figure that one out, because of course, I'm speaking about myself here 🙂 I so understand you, Angel. Be with your relapse today; it doesn't change anything, only reminds you how beautifully human you are.
I find it hard to change the assumptions I put with a 2nd chance friendship with last guy is
1. Less clingy, Less needy n I'm not gonna send him any txts unless he txts me for a reason like would u like to have a coffee with me, I won't use txt as the old me would do was txt "when will we talk online next" I hope that guy can accept the changes In me, I don't want him to make excuses n postpone as if nothing happened between n the last guy. I find it hard to let go but at the same time I get too attached to a guy after talking to him online for a few days n feels like I've known him for a long time. I can be a very patient girl n don't want to be a bad girl. I think I get too clingy n needy when it comes to guy I really like n I want him more but he can't see me or doesn't have any time for me coz he's busy. I kinda think age matters to me when choosing a guy. I go for the older than the younger 1s.
It's great that you're in touch with yourself like this, Courtney. Anyone who doesn't accept you as you are, isn't the right one for you. Remember that part; it's how you can tell.
Thank you for this change. This really puts alot into perspective. Sometimes its hard to not wonder and analyze and its articles like this that simply explain the what's so. It comes down to communication. The right person communicates the perfect way for their partner and vice-versa. When someone isn't matching your communication style, it's just a sign you're both wrong for one another. Time to let go and be free for the real thing.
I'm so glad you enjoyed this perspective, Jackie. It is so hard not to wonder and analyze like we do - I so hear you. You've got this!