Our dear friend K has never felt more conflicted, and is having trouble moving on after a breakup.
Her story:
Hi Jane,
I first stumbled across your blog a couple of months ago after I decided that I needed to have a heart to heart with my boyfriend. At the time, I was really struck by your gentle but steady way of giving advice - it's obvious that you've been where so many of us have been before, and where I am now.
I spoke to my boyfriend then about what I wanted in our relationship - feeling like I was being prioritized in his life at least some of the time, feeling appreciated and loved, needing to know that he cared about me enough to consider what I had to say about us.
All of these things had felt lacking at some point in the last few months of the relationship, and I told him then that if he couldn't do those things for me, we shouldn't be together, that maybe we just wanted different things in our relationships.
Initially, I thought that he really listened to what I had to say. He was more attentive, more loving, more present with me when we spent time together. Sometimes, it felt like the lovely beginning of our relationship all over again.
Fast forward two months, and he's decided to end it with me. He said he's never been so in love, and that he's not even sure that this is the right decision, but that he doesn't know if he is capable of being the kind of boyfriend I deserve.
Jane, I've read many of your articles, and on the one hand, I know that I should recognize that this is him telling me what he can and can't do and that I should be grateful for his honesty. I know I should use this information to move on.
But it's just so hard to let go!
I've never felt more conflicted about a breakup - I really thought that we could be in it for the long haul. The beginning of our relationship was wonderful, truly.
Although I know that I am using the beginning of the relationship as a kind of benchmark for how wonderful things could be with us - if only he would change, if only he would show up for me the way I want him to, if only he could see the potential that I see - I know that this optimism is only in my mind, not his.
I guess I don't know how to let go.
I love this man completely, even though he's sometimes treated me in a way I don't deserve. We weren't perfect together, but many of the memories I'll take with me are beautiful and full of love.
I want to believe he'll miss me in his life now that I've cut off contact but... part of me knows I'll probably never hear from him again, and that if I do, it may be like we're strangers again.
I just don't know what to do with myself.
- K
My response:
Dear K,
Thank you for your kind words. I’m so glad you’re finding a voice that resonates with you here.
And you're exactly right - I have been exactly where you are before and it’s why I understand so well not just the words, but the emotions of what we go through along the way.
It’s why I know there is nothing that keeps us holding on tighter to what if and if only than the strength of the fantasy of our hopes and dreams becoming a reality. Your words echo what so many of us have thought in our own similar situations: “if only he would change, if only he would show up for me the way I want him to, if only he could see the potential that I see - I know that this optimism is only in my mind, not his.”
What you've captured here is exactly that – this is about you.
It's not about him.
You did the talking. He did the listening. He heard what you wanted him to hear.
He did listen to what you say, he did try to be what you wanted him to be – what you wanted the two of you to be. But he found out what he was and wasn't capable of.
He did what he needed to do, based on what he knew he was capable of.
And you found out what you couldn't live with: more of the same.
And so the story of your relationship ended in the only way that it’s meant to: with two people realizing they aren't on the same page and cannot give the other what they really need. They say goodbye, they thank each other for the experience of loving and living and learning together, and they let go and move on to live their own lives and find someone who is on their respective pages. This is how it happens in the logical, practical reality of our minds.
And yet it’s never how it feels when you’re going through it.
Instead it’s about the feelings of a lack of worth and the loss of a dream. It’s about the fairy tale that somehow forgot the happy ending. It’s about the love story in our minds that came crashing down around us in the world of reality. It’s about how close we were to finally having someone to save us from ourselves and give us a reason to live.
Even when it doesn't go that deep, it goes deeper than the reality of true compatibility.
What to do with yourself, K, is to start by wrapping your arms around yourself and holding you through your tears.
You feel what you feel and experience the emotions you experience and no matter how logical an explanation anyone can give you, your feelings deserve to be acknowledged and validated. They need to be acknowledged and validated.
But there’s so much more to do.
You let go by holding on to you. Your life, the people in it that love and adore you, the places that feel like home. The activities that bring you joy. The things you’re passionate about that remind you of who you are and what you have to offer regardless of what someone else can or can’t give you.
Write him a letter, K.
This is for you, so you’re not going to send it, but what you're going to do is write out everything you want to say to him about what you feel in your heart and soul.
And then write one to yourself. Put down the words you want to say to yourself about what happened, about what you wanted to have happen, about why this hurts so much.
Give him back what is his. And take only what is yours. Those parts of you that wanted so much more that you left with him. They’re yours. They're not his.
Letting go is never easy. Moving on after a breakup is never easy.
It’s never easy to let go of what might have been but it’s the only way we get to catch a glimpse of all that is waiting for you today and tomorrow.
It's the only way, K. And you can do it. You can do this. Not for me or anyone else, but for you.
And remember, I’m with you all the way.
Love,
Jane
Tim is turning a new leaf because he's trying to take care of himself, so maybe this is the only way for him to heal. You need to give him space and forgive him. Having anger towards him will never help. What's done is done and you need to make your days worthwhile. Try not to mope around feeling sorry for yourself. Do something special like take yourself out to dinner or a movie or go out with your friends or spend time with family. Just do something good for yourself so you won't feel all depressed. Also, buy a journal and write down your feelings, so you can let go what's inside of you. Read your bible and find scriptures that can help you feel better because god loves you. I hope you're better. 🙂
Lynn,
What you could really do is go out and travel maybe see your family. I think maybe Tim is starting to turn a new leaf for himself, so maybe he's moved on? I don't know.
Or better yet Lynn, maybe you could buy new stuff so maybe you wouldn't save the hassle.
I too am going through a very difficult time. My relationship ended about 2 months ago when Tim asked me to move out. He said he wanted to learn to take care of himself and be able to be alone. He said he said he wanted our relationship to be the same. I knew that wouldn't happen and on Thursday he ended it. We have been together for two years. He said that he couldn't love me the way I needed. Tim is an alcoholic and over the past year I have tried really hard to help him. I gave every bit of me to this relationship and he gave very little in return. But yet I still hurt and love him very much as well as his children. I know I deserve better but it still doesn't take the pain away. He still has several of my belongings and will not return my calls or messages to return them. If it were minor things I would just walk away but it's not. I need to be able to move on but I honestly don't know how.
Lynn,
I know you might think I'm too young. I'm 17 and I can understand despite my age and I don't have a boyfriend. Well the thing about Tim is that the relationship didn't work out, and even though it seems like a very bad spot your in, know that there are kind people out there that are there for you like your family and friends. It seems to me that he wasn't the one for you because of his alcoholism and you tried to help the best way you can by taking him to therapy like AA or an intervention. I know that this is hard for you but you need to know that what's done is done. You need to know that Tim was having an addiction and it was getting in the way of the relationship, so maybe the break up was a good thing that way the relationship wouldn't be pulled further into chaos. Try to give Tim some space and then call him. Maybe the reason why he won't take your calls is because maybe he's going through a tough time. Maybe you can have someone with you at Tim's house to pick up your things.
Write it all out, Lynn. When we put our thoughts in writing and release it on paper, we release what isn't meant to take up so much space in our hearts and minds and allow room for the things that are. " I have tried really hard to help him. I gave every bit of me to this relationship and he gave very little in return." This is how we know it's time to move on; when we're the ones doing all the giving, trying to help, to rescue, to save, but only receiving the bare minimum in return. It's never enough to sustain a relationship that way.
Be gentle with yourself, be loving to yourself. We all move on in our own time, one step, one day, at a time.
Every time I think about him and our plans and I know it never happen
i cry so hard.. cry cry cry and cry even i'm in a public place
i try to control those tears but i cant..
i love him so much needy wants to be with him but i'm tired to treat like his doormat ...like his toy;(((
when i try to call him he never pick up his phone again this is the second time he treat me this way.
i text him but he never say anything
i feel humiliated....i pray one day i'm gonna be GOOD again
i give everything and do anything just to make this relationship will last
but he always choose to hurt me.i know deep in my heart this man "DON'T LOVE ME ANYMORE" ..
this august 3 is our 2nd anniversary but he never wants to be with me.
i know i'm not a perfect girlfriend but i know i'm a good person with a pure heart
and he knows that...Ms. Jane i want this Pain will last ..i always check this site ..thank you:)
You're "GOOD" now, Tin! Don't take on that heavy kind of shame and guilt; give it back and don't let anyone control your happiness, your worth, your love of life any longer. No one is ever meant to live like this! You're the one doing the choosing and you're not choosing this!
Jane, your words are so true, I broke up with my boyfriend for three years and came back to my country leaving everything behind, my career, my friends, all the facilities of united kingdom.I dared to leave him physically but I can't stop calling him each day.He also talks to me nicely as if nothing has happened, I cry, I shout, I beg but he has only one thing to say for this three years,"I am sorry I can't marry you".It hurts so bad.I even had one boyfriend for two months but he left me because I was so desperate for love.I wasn't desperate for love but I just wanted to forget my ex.I can't sleep, all my body starts burning, I can't move on.Its been more than a year I am trying to give him a break but I never succeed and now I am so far from him but still I am bombarding him with calls, begging him to get me back, please help, I want to start my new life that also the single life where its all about me not anybody else.I started hating myself for not being able to move on and asking for a favour like a beggar, it hurts.I want to laugh again, feel normal and enjoy my short life.There is not one day I don't call him with hundreds of miscalls and he picks up once in a blue moon and talks so normal and just say he is sorry for ruining my life.His silence haunts me.Please help.
My heart goes out to you, it's going to take time to heal . To feel normal being without him. When I had my last break up I knew deep down it was for the best, but I went through different emotions , ups and downs!!! Time will heal your wounds . Try to keep busy . Don't dwell on what could of been. Workout , pamper yourself with bubble baths , facials , get a massage. If you have relatives with children hang out with them. You won't have time to think! Treat yourself special because you are!
Love the part about hanging out with "relatives with children", Theresa. Thank you! Spending time with my nephews was the best "therapy" I ever had!
Find that little girl inside you, Littlewings. Wrap your arms around her and kiss her tears that fall. Tell her you love her, that she's beautiful, that she deserves to be loved. Don't let her go. Hold her close. She needs you. She's feeling so lost, she doesn't know that this isn't about this man; it's about her. She doesn't know what she's worth. She doesn't know how powerful she really is. She needs you to show her and tell her and keep telling her that she's not the begging kind, she's the loving kind - until she comes to believe this for herself. She needs you to build her up by surrounding her with the people that love and support her, not the ones who bring her down and leave her second-guessing her own worth.
She needs you to take her out and show her the world, the life that exists outside of this small little place she's living in her mind right now. She needs you to show her all that she can do, all the things she'd be awesome at, given half the change to try. She needs your help to find the things she's passionate about - besides some "him". There's a life just waiting for her to see it, to create one that she was born to live. It's not this way, it's not like this. There's no love there if it has to be chased down and begged for. But there's so much love just waiting for her outside of this.
Greetings K
Guess What? You get a chance to make a choice to make a change. This is a new beginning for you.
Cry it out. Take up Yoga. Dance your tush off. Then go eat a nice piece of your favorite fruit with chocolate.
Works like a charm!! You got this!! You are a radiant and fabulous woman. You were not meant to be broken!!!
1Love, Sharri
Beautifully said, Sharri! 🙂
Cry a river, but don't forget to make a bridge..
Ms.K One step at a time don't force yourself to feel good so fast.
because One day all these things that materialize to you will last.
I INCLUDE YOU IN MY PRAYERS♥
Exactly, Tin; and thank you for your words to K. It's always in our own time.
Hi Jane,
This is so sad, why do people do this. I have seen men and women do this to each other. Like Gabrriella also comments above. Why was there so much commitment in older generations, whats different now to buils such fear and big weaknesses in our men these days. Life was even difficult back then with tough economy , war, still was plenty of choice. Is this happening due to the materialistic instant gratification society we live in, where people have stopped being patient compassionate and loyal with each other. I do not feel women put up with so much then they did do now. Men seemed to be more committing and faithful and loving to their families. Yes cheating , abusive relationships existed back then. But its more now. Its sad. I do not like what i see in some cities I have lived or travelled to. I also see the stress put on couples living in these rat race cities where ego is built up. I think bigger the ego, the bigger the failure. Just sad. Because i had an experience where i met a sincere loving guy who wanted to change and knew his potential but gave up. Hurt me, cos both parties including me and him had the purest intentions. Yes I can this may have hurt with more time etc. But its sad. As I know many older couples who have been through their ups and downs, they stuck by each other. Change can only happen with time. Time has no correlation to minutes, hours or years. It will happen with progress with all people involved. Just he felt to do this by himself, which sucks. Because he made a decision to it by himself when he agreed it should be teamwork. In the end his actions showed no loyalty. Hurts like a bitch every day. Its been a year. I have always lived a passionate life and have achieved my goals, but sucks i haven't met the right guy to share it with. To truly love is to give. Seems from what i see in the West, some people care about taking, gain and loss. Which is not true love.
It is sad, Hope. But the more we learn that we aren't here to change anyone except ourselves, the less we take anyone's actions personally, the more empowered we become to refuse to settle for anything less than we deserve when it comes to how someone treats us, the more things will change. "To truly love is to give" - Absolutely! But to someone who's worthy of you!
Jane and all, thank you so much for your responses to my letter. Breakups are especially tough when you feel like no one can really relate, so it's been truly reassuring to see that I am not the only one navigating through tough relationship moments. The warmth and openness you all share here really helps - thank you!
You're so welcome, K. I'm so glad you're seeing this beautiful outpouring of support for you and what you're going through and realizing that you're not alone. You will get through this!
I worked for many years in aged care and often asked the female residence if they had happy marriages and most of the woman now in their late seventies and eighties would say how they had wonderful husbands.
I asked a man who was in his eighties and came in everyday to visit his ailing wife about courtship in his day. He courted his wife for two years ( meaning you waited to marriage before you could sleep together). I asked him why the courtship took so long and he replied " because I wanted to make sure she was the right one".
All I can say to my single woman friends now is what's the rush to get involved so quickly . Make sure he's the right one first. Find out if he rally wants to be involved in a committed loving relationship before giving yourself to him.
Beautiful advice, Gabriella. Thank you for sharing this touching example of what real love is all about. Taking that time in the beginning is worth every patient moment, hour, day, week, month, year that it takes to make sure he's worth you!
Hello. Im going through the exact same thing. Letting go is hard to do. I cant end up hurt. And like the article said, as much as we see the potential, they cant. Its all about what you want. If he doesn't want the same things as you do, then we have to let them go. I've been seeing a guy for almost a tear now. I had the talk with him too. But it hasn't resonated. Ive told him its over. But he thinks that Im only acting out. I know I should release him, but its hard. Its good that he works away, otherwise,I would drive myself crazy. But I still think that it is a man out there fore me. And one day, he will find me. And it wi be all that I have ever imagined, OR BETTER!!
So much better, AB; because we can't imagine what life is like when we're loved by someone who's truly right for us until it is the real thing!
My relationship with her the first year was a dream. She was and I told her that she was the best I ever had. I was engaged and attentive. Suddenly, she changed and I tried harder. Maybe if I do something (whatever that was) I could turn her around. In the end, she texted "lol" to my texted "<3", and was really rude other times but I kept trying. So, the breakup was harder on me. She had been preparing.
Because I have been through it, I have empathy for you. Little of what can be said can take away your pain but you will soon find out who your good friends are. Never forget who they are and what they mean to you as they help you stagger through this. Like Churchill said, if you are going through hell, keep going.
This is so key to our own recovery, Wayne - "the breakup was harder on me. She had been preparing." It's that preparation that makes such a difference in how painful it feels to us - and why it does. It helps to remember this is why they seem to move on so much faster than we do. It's not that there's something "wrong" with you, it's that their own letting go and moving on process began in their own minds a long time before it became real to you. Thanks for sharing this part. It all helps someone 🙂
Hi K, I really feel for you and the feelings you're experiencing. I've been getting loads of help from Jane and all of you on this website, because it hurts when I think how much time, effort and love I put into my 3 year relationship.
But I've been doing what Jane and other's have suggested, doing what makes me smile, interests and hobbies I forgot I enjoyed. Telling myself that I value and love myself and I'm fine just as I am, even if, deep in my core, I don't REALLY believe that yet, sometimes I just "act as if" and start to feel it then I feel excited about the fact he wasn't / isn't the only guy on this earth 🙂 and then I have perspective again.
I also love what Bee said about " I do not have time to waste on this as I am over 70 years old." I'm almost 43 and realise there's no rush for me to meet whoever the guy is, because where is the rule that says, you MUST be married with children by a certain age? You MUST be settled down by a certain age? It's what I'VE been telling MYSELF about what I COULD'VE, SHOULD'VE, WOULD'VE done to try and make it happen. Now, I'm tired, but relaxed and if he comes along, then great, but, the rest of my life is about enjoying the freedom I have, to do what I like when I like and that's good enough for me 🙂
I wish all of you well
Love
Donna xxx
Exactly, Donna; so glad this is all helping you! 🙂 When you can look at all those self-depleting "COULD'VE, SHOULD'VE, WOULD'VE"s for what they are and refuse to buy into them, you free yourself - and so much more. Not only isn't/wasn't he "the only guy on this earth", more importantly he wasn't the guy for you - or he would still be with you!
Hi there k, I know exactly how are u feeling, I'm going through the same situation, I made a big, big, mistake asking the men I was with for almost 2 years in a exclusive relationship to be only friends cause.I thought we weren't having enough time together, and his reaction was ending our relationship and being so clear about no contacting him never again!! I couldn't sleep for several day feeling a deep pain, and aware of my mistake, but indeed I got a lesson, and I'm sure I'm going to need time to get over him, but I'll be ready for the next time and absolutely ready to be a better partner!! Good luck k!!
They're never the "mistakes" we think they are, Araceli, they're how we learn. 🙂
It ain't easy when you love someone I was in relationship for 6 years we struggled wit things around us my daughter who was sick with by polar he didn't understand he had no patience I kept us together I got to the stage of leaving to live on my own to focus on me I did I had to love myself again we separated for 10 months but kept contact he never met anyone to committee with so I wanted to get back to give all of me he wasn't sure why but I was honest told. Him I loved him we did connect again 4months know back I only see him when it suits him I see him 15 hours a week in the week and I realize my intuition that his not committing properly because I feel his having fun with other women hang in on to me I told him be honest tell me I don't deserve to be hurt he did say in future we will be committed not yet till I know your daughter is not gonna live with us again he TeX me and said there is no us because I don't have trust I don't believe what he say I know am moving on its his loss even though I will miss him but life has to go on its made me realize his not gonna give up the fun his been having that his been doing when we split 10 months his kept I will never know but like I said taken me all this time I ain't gonna be there when his ready it will be too late his lost a good woman
And he has, Sharon. You deserve so much more than living your live on someone else's terms.
It is difficult. I now understand why they say. If you want love and relationship.
You first have to love you.
Because when a love ends, you won't feel that devestated!
You will accept that there is some one else out there...
I think when your more into the fantasy etc. you will break when a love ends.
Because you builded all your hopes and dreams on one man. And when he leaves
You will feel like your gonna die!
When you do not love you and your life. If a man leaves you. You will automatically feel like
A monster. Like what did we do wrong?
For me it is difficult to accept sometimes that people come into your life and leave.
Thats what also means in relationships. Nothing is for sure.. It comes and goes.
You can not chain a man and his heart, so that he won't leave. Chain, hold on too much
Is also not love. Because love should feel liberated/free...
I do not know if it is wrong. But I do feel a strong need for a man
Whoom I can share my love with.. I hope i will meet him soon..
I love this part of the article;
" And so the story of your relationship ended in the only way that it’s meant to: with two people realizing they aren't on the same page and cannot give the other what they really need. They say goodbye, they thank each other for the experience of loving and living and learning together, and they let go and move on to live their own lives and find someone who is on their respective pages. "
That's exactly why, Maris! It's how you realize you're worth more than someone else's decision about you! So beautifully you've captured what true, real love really is - and what it isn't. It is just the opposite of "chaining"; it is freedom in its purest sense to do and be true to both of yourselves, because unless you are each what the other chooses, you would never be happy with what you were able to get. It isn't wrong, it is so very human, we aren't meant to be alone, but who we're meant to be with is always a mystery until we look back and see it without question the clearest choice of all.
Hi k
I have nothing to say it break my heart to hear what you are going through. Moving on is never easy as I am also going through the same thing I do know where to start but to start with myself and to believe in myself that I can make myself happy. What i learn is that do not make a man define your happiness let him add to it. I am really heart broken but will keep myself move and i hope you do the same k. Love u .
"...let him add to it" - exactly, Tertu!
Hi K,
I know exactly what you're going through too and this website has been a god-send for the last 4 months as I grieve my 5 year r'ship that ended. It is indeed soooo hard and there have been days where I've told myself, all you have to do is literally get through this day and then you can go back to bed and deal with tomorrow, just as the next day. Over the past 4 months I've felt every single emotion there is and have cried lots too but I just held onto the fact that if our r'ship was healthy and if we were on the same page then there never would have had to be those 'discussions'. My ex had massive commitments problems and I have come to accept that it had nothing to do with me. It's all his stuff. Someone on this blog recommended reading Men who can't love. Fantastic book which I recommend. My ex wasn't a mean person. There was no cheating, lying, or anything that might typically end a 5 year r'ship. He simply just wasn't capable of giving me what I wanted. Now I know this, I've accepted the breakup in a new light and it's really helped me to try and move. I know though how hard it is... Just one day at a time, literally xx
Thank you for sharing this, Sarah; I'm so glad you're finding your way through. It is one day at a time - literally!
Writing poetry has been therapy for me. Forgiveness, thankfulness, and prayer have also been paramount to my process. I am praying for the right relationship for myself and someone yet unknown, someone who is looking for love and commitment.
Since a fulfilling relationship with a guy is necessary for my BEST happiness, I am back in the dating market. I do not have time to waste on this as I am over 70 years old. I have learned a lot from my last relationship on what is essential for me in a right relationship and am screening guys for their capabilities and intents in these areas. I know that I have a lot of love to give to the right guy, keeping in mind that my former lover will always be a part of me.
Information received on this website is gold to me and I will continue to gather good stuff here.
And you do, Bee! Thank you so much for adding so much to the conversation here. I can relate so well to how writing poetry has been therapy for you - so beautiful you've found a way to express your heart! And thank you for your kind words; I'm so glad this is all resonating with you!
Hi k, I can definitely identify with how you are feeling, you deserve the love that you want, I know its hard I have been there and cry so many tears that I thought it wont stop, but it does get easier and you will think more clearly, you will come to see that you made the decision based on what you want out of life. if he truly loves you believe me he will find a way back, but in the mean time learn to love and be you without him, you deserve the best!
Thank you, Merissa; beautifully said - and so true!
Merissa,
Thank you for your share, you are telling my story. If God's plan is for a relationship to be reconciled, it will happen. A friend of mine game me great advice after walking away from even a friendship with my ex after 23 years of marriage, she said, "Don't try to manipulate what God can orchestrate better than I could ever imagine." Since then, I have tried to let go, let go, let go and get on with my life. The hard part is finding out who I really am and what I have to offer the world.
I know the feeling oh so well. I have been trying to breakthrough the loss of my relationship for 6 months. I get and go through the pain. The loss that I know I will never see him again and that he's moved on. I just have to get through the emotions and time will eventually heal. Just know that you are not alone. Our hearts bend but they never break completely.
"Our hearts bend but they never break completely." - Thank you, Paige - they show us just how great is our ability to love! It's our emotions that remind us of just how much we have to give someone who will be deserving of all we are and all we have to offer. None of us are ever in this alone.
Your post was so beautiful. Thank you so much! I've had my heart broken twice recently where my boyfriend broke up with me out of the blue with no warning and when everything was going great. No fights, no bad feelings, then BAM! "We need to break up." One man I had been with for 2 years, and one for 3 really great months. I never felt so much self doubt and worthlessness before. Both men had just gotten out of 25+ year marriages and just were not ready for a long term relationship. It is very hard to accept that our needs were just not the same, but I am working on it :--) Thank you again for this really honest, helpful post!
It is so hard to accept that, Theresa. One of the hardest things to align our heads and our hearts on, but so worth the freedom it brings when we do. And "working on it" is how we get there - in our own time - putting one foot ahead of the other at a time. So glad this resonated with you right now! You will see this so much more clearly soon, too!
Hi K, I think very highly of Jane also. I agree with Jane, you have to go thru all the pain and emotions,, to grow. My believe is there are no mistakes in life only lessons,, some are gut renching. K,, you have to respect yourself and love yourself before yuou can have ANY relationship. K, you deserve it all so please don't ever sec guess yourself,,, and never never settle! GOD BLESS CINDY
Beautifully said, Cindy. Thank you.
I would also add that K needs to take care of her health and mental health, so plenty of healthy food, lots of sleep etc.
Yes! Thanks for adding these, Dawn. We can so easily forget to take care of the one person who needs this kind of self-care more than anyone else when we're so focused on someone else.