Our beautiful friend Gabriela is wondering why he disappeared the day after they were intimate for the first time. Her story is one that I've heard all too often:
Her email:
Dear Jane,
I have been reading your blog for a few months now and it has been a great help to me and a source of comfort.
Now, here is my question: I met a guy about four months ago online and from the beginning, he started pursuing me relentlessly.
He seemed like a really thoughtful guy and I was really flattered by the attention but when we finally met face to face, about a month after communicating online, I just didn't feel a real connection and got a sense that we were not in the same place emotionally.
I told him this, told him that I was looking at the next forty years of my life, not just the next two, that I wanted a real commitment and that I just wasn't sure that he wanted the same thing. We had some long email and phone conversations about this, he said he did want the same things as I did, and that he was willing and ready to be involved in my life and have me in his.
Throughout all my hesitation, he kept calling me, emailing me, asking me out. He was out of town for a week but he kept calling me and emailing me, we had many heart to heart conversations about what was important to each of us.
I felt like he was a guy that knew how to be "present", which to me was very important, and I decided I may have been too harsh in my initial assessment of him and that I would give him a chance after all.
When he came back he showered me with attention, in short, did everything to show me that he was really interested. Recently we became intimate. It was an amazing experience and afterwards we lay in each other's arms sharing things about our lives and past experiences. I felt it was truly wonderful and felt grateful that he had not given up on us.
However literally, the next morning, his emails started getting a little shorter and a little colder. He wasn't making any plans for us to see each other (even though when he was away we had talked about all kinds of things that we would be doing together) and when I suggested that we might get together, he wrote me a polite but dismissive email along the lines of "it's too cold out and I just want to sit on my couch. Have a great day".
That really hurt, and it was so uncharacteristic of him, after all of his eagerness to see me and be with me, but because I have learned a few things from your blog, I decided I would not pursue or dignify his dismissive email with an answer, and that I would just wait to see what he would do.
Since that email, he has completely disappeared, no more emails, no phone calls, nothing!
Needless to say, I have not contacted him at all, but I am feeling hurt and used and like he just made a fool of me. I am angry at myself because I just didn't see this coming and I wonder if you could help me shed some light on what just happened here, how to move past this, and how to learn to read the signs in someone who seems to be so interested, and then disappears.
Thanks a lot for your help and for the great work you do.
Gabriela
My response:
Dear Gabriela,
I understand exactly what you’re going through and I so feel for you!
One of the most difficult types of relationship endings is the one exactly like you've described - the one where you're left, alone, wondering why he disappeared.
The one where you initially had reservations about whether you were on the same page emotionally, and yet you found yourself gradually warming up to him the more he went out of his way to show you that he was there, that you had more in common emotionally than you thought, and where he gave you every indication that this was what he wanted too. And so of course you did exactly like what most of us would have done.
You allowed yourself to warm up to him, to take a chance on him - because he gave you reason to believe he was there - you opened up your heart, your body, your soul, and you let him in.
You’re so not alone in this, Gabriela.
And that’s exactly why this is one of the most difficult endings to experience, because you feel it’s about you. You’re angry at yourself for not seeing this, for not listening to your first intuition and gut instincts where you sensed “that we were not in the same place emotionally”.
And so what makes this so much harder is that you see how you could have prevented this if only you hadn't let yourself believe him, if you had only held your ground and not allowed yourself to be swept up the way you did.
You’re angry at yourself because you feel you should have seen this coming and so in the usual manner in which we’re harder on ourselves than anyone else in the world, we do so much more damage to our self-esteem and self-confidence by refusing to do the most loving thing we can do – forgive ourselves.
We all want to believe someone who goes out of their way to show us they’re there. We all want to believe in the dream that someone might be everything they’re saying they are. We all fall for it at least once – and for many of us, we find ourselves believing “it’s different this time”, and falling for it time and time again.
We all want to believe it's true!
It’s just this guy did the only thing he knew how to do when he realized he was interested in you and you asserted that you weren’t on the same page. He decided to show you that he was there too. And whether or not he tried and couldn't get there because of his own issues that he wasn't ready to face, or because he just wanted the conquest of knowing he could “conquer” you and didn't think about the consequences for you, that’s exactly what happened, through no fault of your own.
It’s time to forgive yourself, Gabriela. You did the best with what you knew at the time.
It’s time to take out the “shoulds”. It’s time to practice some self-compassion and release yourself from your own harsh judgments and allow yourself to let go. Let go of thinking about him, about why, about what happened, about why he disappeared like this.
He just wasn't the right guy for you.
You don’t have to feel ashamed. Isn't that what this really is about? We feel so ashamed that we allowed ourselves to go there, to question ourselves, to not stick to our original intuition, to give someone a chance when we knew better! Shame on us, shame on us not for seeing this! Can’t you just hear that voice shaming you like that?
This is why we suffer so!
This is why we can’t let it go! Because it’s not just about what happened; it’s the compounded shaming effect that we heap on ourselves. Yes, we do this to ourselves!
Because if you could see it from an outside perspective, you could see that you’ve been saved from a great deal more heartbreak if you had continued on with someone who truly wasn’t on the same page – as much as he thought he could be – who didn’t in reality want the same thing, and who had no desire to do what it took to get there for himself. His stuff, not yours, Gabriela.
It’s not personal; it never, ever is.
But we keep insisting on making it very personal!
Remember the guy I wrote about in my post I can’t make you love me? The first time we met, I didn’t even remember him. When he first asked me out – to a U2 concert of all things – I turned him down because I felt the same way.
No real connection and he didn't seem like he was on my page emotionally either. But after the emails, and lunches and flowers and little by little sweeping me off my feet, I thought I must have been wrong about him too. And after a whirlwind 3 or 4 months of this, it all came to a sudden end, too. But it was me who, because I couldn't believe I had been so wrong about him, continued to hang on for another few years.
You've been saved from investing any more simply because he disappeared with no chance of getting him back.
Consider this a gift! You now know! This is how you begin to move on. By remembering this. By forgiving yourself, by writing a letter to him that you don’t send. Tell him everything you want to say that you didn't have a chance to, but don’t sent it because this is for you, not him.
Write a letter to yourself and include everything you want yourself to know about what happened. See the judgments you have for yourself. And then release yourself and him.
How you see the signs for this is in the future is by being aware of someone who comes on strong in the beginning; if it’s meant to be, it will be no matter how much you slow things down to your pace. So slow things down - way down.
You’re not a conquest, you’re the real thing. If he stays with you, you’ll know he’s worth getting to know better. Someone who’s not there won’t be OK when intimacy is moving along at a turtles pace! You don't say in your email how many dates you went on before you became intimate, but the key is to go out with a guy for a long, long time and go on many, many dates (phone calls and emails don't count - I'm talking about actual, physical one-on-one dates) before you become too intimate. Someone who's just looking for a fling or a conquest won't be interested in putting in that much time and effort.
Time, energy, real-person experiences with depth, and a feeling that you're getting to know a real person and not just an image or surface of one, is what separates the players from the kind of guys you're actually looking for. I go into this in a lot more detail in my program Beautiful, Confident, Radiant YOU!, but the reality is that if he's the right guy for you (which also means you're the right woman for him) then he won't disappear on you - and he'll want the same kind of commitment that you want.
This is also why I recommend waiting to become intimate with someone until you know what you have really is a committed relationship, and not just an assumption of commitment that we're typically all too ready to make.
Take as long as you need to really get to know someone; what we’re going for here takes time and can’t be rushed. Also, trust your intuition, don’t second-guess it. Deep down, you always know.
And most importantly, don’t give yourself away emotionally, mentally, or, most of all, physically. You’ll know when it’s time because there won’t be any lingering questions, there won’t be any doubt.
I hope this helps, Gabriela.
Love,
Jane
Have you had any similar experiences, advice, or words of encouragement that you'd like to share with our dear friend Gabriela? Tell us in the comments!
I had a similar situation. I currently feel worthless about. This guy and I were Face timing every single day. Laughs, jokes, and we were getting really cool. We got intimate, one night, and I haven't heard from him in two days. The thoughts going through my mind right now go as followed: Why would he do that to me when I thought we were so cool? Was that his plan all along? Have sex and just leave? Why hasn't he picked up my calls? (I called him two times). I wonder what he is thinking?
Everything is basically bothering me. Being used is not something someone looks forward to. Everyone would want to be cool with someone, be intimate, and eventually end up somewhere. In a good place. I honestly don't know how to feel. All I can do is hold my heart and recover from this experience. I am also very hurt.
Perhapse the problem with us, women, is that we get too easily stuck on one wrong guy. A lot of times we do realize he is wrong, and we get all stuck and invested in him anyway, while men usually keep exploring and finding new options, until they get convinced they found something sufficiently suitable. Women just crave that security of being with one steady man, while men want fresh opportunities and variety. This is why we so misundersyand each other. If women could think a bit more like men, not get scared to come out of their shell, and also attempt to ecplore options and experience variety before they settle for one proper choice things could be a lot more balanced. But somehow us, women we always feel wrong to date or even talk, no, even think of more then one guy at a time. And society is way eager to keep us in that fear. People are quick to scream all sorts of accusations towards women who are not settled and stuck on one man. We are sort of obliged and expected to be stuck on sonebidy before we even found the one. We are pressured into monogamy too soon, before it even can work for us, and this leaves us miserable. Perhapse we need to be brave and strong enough to not bend under this pressure and keep our radar open no matter what others may think. We also need to resist our own natural urge to rush into security of a ateady relationship with one man before we even found someone, who is willing and able to provide that security. Otherwise it is just self-deception.
So many thoughtful nuggets here, Nina. Thank you for sharing your thoughts with all of us.
hello jane,
i am an older woman ....having experienced a2 year flirtation where there was alway at least another woman...having kept him at a distance yet enjoyed the excitement of the flirtation....2 years later he seemingly is unattached, except now its the whole world of women he is curious about....it felt inevitable that i would allow myself to have some of the nectar that always seemed morally not right for the taking....so a great date later and not hearing from him after a week....i messaged a feisty message to him.....feeling that i needed to kill this as it has been an obsession for me ......i am not looking for a marriage or serious committment but i do need care and respect if someone is to be a lover of mine.....he responded by calling and not leaving a message....i responded a few days later with was there something you wanted to say.....it has now been over a week and i feel that is it...i know i will see him again as we do similar social activities....i just have created such a groove in my brain in thinking about him all this time...i just want to be out of psychic bondage and regain my self esteem and confidence....i repeat over and over not to take this personally....that this was the most dangerous type of man to get involved with at any level....but sai la vie....he captured my interest and now i need to regain my strength and self esteem, especially since i will be seeing him around and with other woman.....this can happen at any age....wonderfull for all the younger woman here to be getting a grip early on....thank you for providing the space for us to express ourselves....
I'm so glad you found your way here, Verana; this is exactly the space to express what's on your heart. Your understanding of yourself and what's gone on with this man you speak of will get you though. Hold onto what you know, you do understand that this is in your own mind and no where else that he has such a hold on you. If you can find out why he has such a hold on you, what it is about him that keeps you obsessing about him in your mind, you will release yourself from that hold. Find it in you, and you will find what you need to release yourself from him. At any age. 🙂
Ms. Gabriel♥♥
I know exactly what you feel, but Gabriel stop hurting yourself and always thinking that kind of man is deserved for your love for your time for your respect he doesn't... honestly, I hate those kind of man, but we need to face the reality that not all man is worth to be trusted... Gabriel this is the best thing you can do what like Ms. Jane told me when I'm in your situation "Focus on your Self Love your Self it not your fault if that man don't want to commit to you its his lost not you,you are Pretty than you ever imagine your a crystal "We Love you"
One day you will be ok♥
Nô wonder a woman is not comfortable having sex with a guy who has already decided for her that she will be better off when he disappears after an intimate act. And yes, he is smart enough to know that it is going to hurt her for weeks or maybe more, just conveniently inmature to réalisé that hurting a woman knowingly is not a proper thing to do. How can we make sure guys mature properly by age 18? Maybe educate them at school?
By raising them differently and by changing the messages the media and our culture on the whole gives them, Nina. The more we become aware of the underlying reasons for why they behave the way they do - because they can and they're "taught" that this is the way to prove themselves as men, and why we respond the way we do - by enabling their behaviors because we have our own messages we've received about what it means to be a woman, the more hope we have to change the status quo.
Well, I'm not sure anybody wants to hear a guy's perspective on this, but for what it's worth, as a 48 year old guy who's been on the wrong side of this story (the guy who mistakes lust for love) and ends up leaving the relationship after only a few dates (or even worse, finds himself losing interest all together about the woman--ignoring how she feels really--and then winds it down), I can certainly tell you that you are much much better off without the guy being in your life and literally wasting your time.
Do I think it's going to hurt? You better believe it will hurt. It'll hurt probably for a few weeks (but each person is different). But I think there are definitely two sides to each story. As for where the responsibility lays for the guy, he really needs to be mature enough to understand when he is lusting for a woman rather than being truly in love with the woman. And I don't think there is any magical age that can be ascribed to a guy to define when they've reached that level. That's where challenge ultimately rests with the woman. How can you tell? I wish I could say. Like Jane says, take your time. If the guy is mature, he'll realize that reigning in his sexual desires is the smart play to make if it is a relationship that he really values and wants to win and be in for the long haul (which is actually what Jane speaks about in the current letter).
I can that I've chosen to reign in my sexual desires with the woman I've been seeing for the past few months now and I do care about her very much. In early May I returned from a trip from London and we were at about 90% of the way to being as intimate as you can be when having sex but she just wasn't quite comfortable and I stood down knowing that if she was not comfortable then I would not push it. Sadly, my judgement has not always been the best and to put it bluntly, after having a candid, awkward and difficult conversation about where I thought sex should be in the relationship (and this viewpoint has since changed), I brought up that I thought we should easily be comfortable having sex with one another by August. She told me she felt herself pushing me away more and more and that she might not change. I thought to the past 5-7 dates we'd had where we would end the night watching tv or a movie and I realized that my pawing at her at those times, trying to get her in the mood, was the absolute worse thing I could have done and I admitted to her that I had exercised some very poor judgement and that I was sorry for being that way. I have since, having spoken with some women I trust, realized that if the relationship works out, which it will, that intimate times will be spontaneous and we will both know it and recognize it. But now when we're together watching tv or a move on the sofa, I know that is NOT the time to be pawing at her and trying to have my way.
I don't know if this made any sense but I will say do not feel like you lost out on anything because truthfully, the pain you feel from this relationship will not be that great and in time will definitely fade into the past.
Thanks for sharing your perspective here, Eric. It's always insightful to hear the other side!
The thing us what us, women, we do does not make much if a difference. It is more about the guy and his intentions towards her. She can wait or not wait. Play hard to get or not play hard to get. Call or just sit on her bum and,wait fir his call. None of it really matters. There are just guys who decide they only want a one time deal no matter what she does and what it takes. There are guys who believe they are entitled to have sex no laterthen third date. So whether you have sex with them by the third date or not they just vanish and move on. There nwver us such a thing fir them as something long-term. There are some guys who believe it dies not hurt to wait a bit more, if she wants him to wait, but then he moves on anyway.What we do hardly makes much of a difference. It is,all about what this particular guy wants. The sooner we find out the better. And 99% of men on the market want one thing and they want it fast. If you do not want that same thing fast and move on sift through those men as quickly as possible and eliminate everybody who sends that wibe. Men who are looking for a relationship are rare and far between. Most of them are taken and they do not stay single long. So if you want to land one of those men you need to play numbers game right and not waiste too much time and energy on " losers". Date them in packs of 5 and block them out as soon as you know for afact what kind of thing they want. Perhapse develope your own strategy to find out. Stay alert to clues. They usually drop some clues. Ask them questions.
It is oretty clear what happened in this situation. The guy just wanted a one night stand. The girl has rejected him fir that reason. Since rejection sucks he decided to orove that he can get her no matter what he would have to do. And he did. This is why ladies. Think before you reject a guy. Do not reject a guy outright if you are not sure. Give it some time to collect some info on him and think. But once you are sure that he's not the one you are looking for make your rejection complete and final. Do not talk to him anymore no matter what he says. And if he does make you talk do not change your mind just because now he told you all kind of nonsense you want to hear.Stick to your decision, cause now you know you made it right. A guy would not let a girl he does not like to somehow sweat talk him into being her boyfriend. So why are we ladies so unprotected and gullible?
And don't we just love blaming women for everything that is not their fault? Whenever a guy acts in bad faith it is always her we are going to blame anyway. Either she did not wait enough, ir she hesitated too much, or she did not explain it to him or she did not behave proper or something. Well in this case she did explain, and she did wait and she did do everything right. So why we are still blaming her? Well, because it's easy. Abd why the guy is doing that? Well, because he can. He knows no matter what nasty thing he will do to a girl it will always go unpunished and it will always be her fault. Not his. Come on Jane! I really expected sonething better from you then this long abswer with no substance to it. If we all start waiting for just the right guy to show up one day we will all die 100 year Virgins. Remember the Slerping Beauty? Even in a fairy tale a perfect prince does not show up any sooner if we do nithing, but sleep and wait for him to show up. It's time women stopped being passive and demanded from regular guys behavior if a bit higher standard. And just requiring marriage before sex will not work either. There are thousand of abandoned brides in India. Why? Because Indian ladies would not have sex untill marriage so jerks would marry them, collect the dowry, and flee abroad after one month. Their pregnant wives wait for them years and years, but they would never even talk to them again or let them know their whearabouts. So marriage or waiting longer is hardly a solution. But we need to find a way to confront the wrongdoers and get hem punished. If he has misrepresented his intentions just to get a girl in bed for one night she needs to confront him about it herself first. If he refuses to talk she should get her support network involved. Perhapse a bunch if her fruebds or relatives should talk to him on her behalf. And perhapse it would be nice to have something in the civil court that would protect women against guys who consistently act in bad faith and misrepresent themselves. Perhapse it woll not teach those guys to be more living, but at least it will help them to becone more respobsible. Right niw the media constantly teaches young men that they should be pkayers and sleep with a lot of girls. There needs to be a ban on thus kind of brainwashing. I think women and their relatiobship councelors should get together to require it. It is our right to be treated by men as people, not as sone kind of hot dogs that they eat and waiste the leftovers. A lot of men these days think about women as if we were unanimated objects. Something has to be done about it. Perhapse in our own minds furst. We should stop being passive and tolerant and always accepting blame. We need tô recognise the evil for Ehat it is and call it to take redponsibility for what it does to us.
In the meantime, to protect yourselves ladies, never date guys one at a time. Date at lest 3 guys at a time in the beginning, do not fall head over heals for one men. See a few of them, check what they have to offer. Avoid by all means becoming exclysive with a man unless he made substantial investment if time and money in you. Yes, make him invest in you. Make him buy gifts, take you to expensive restaurants, do nice things for you. Just the fact that he jeeps texting you,all kind of nonsense is not enough. He has to be a big doer, not a big talker. The more time and money he invests in you the harder it epuld be for him to move on. Ask for things. Do not be shy. Althouh do not go overboard either.
Nina, what can I say. You are spot on, thanks for sharing!
"A lot of men these days think about women as if we were unanimated objects. Something has to be done about it. Perhaps in our own minds first. We should stop being passive and tolerant and always accepting blame. We need tô recognise the evil for Ehat it is and call it to take redponsibility for what it does to us."
Exactly, Nina; that's where it has to begin - in our own minds first. Until we, as women, refuse to be treated like this, there will always be another woman available for a man who treats a woman like this out of his own insecurities to move on to.
And don't accept blame, feel empowered! It's when you take back your own power that you come to see that you are no longer the victim!
Unfortunately this is the risk with everyone. Sometimes they vanish fast. Other times they disappear after years.
I think about that a lot, too, Jackie. How do you ever know a person will stay? I think there's really no way to know. People evolve or change with time and sometimes you don't recognize them anymore after years. I guess we can all just agree to understand that our lives see people come and go when they are supposed to. The only person who'll be with us forever is ourselves. That's the point Jane is trying to make anyhow with the advice of loving ourselves and caring for ourselves first always.
By the way, I love your comments. Many of them helped me see my situation clearer. I like the way you write 🙂
OMG going through something similar. I met this guy online about 3-4 years ago. We would exchange long emails. I eventually got a weird feeling about him so I ended the romantic side of things. He is a mechanic so I decided to be cool with him and get work done on my car by him. 2 years ago I moved and needed help moving. I am not very close with my family and didn't really have a guy to help (I needed help for about a month with all the heavy furniture I was buying). We started spending a lot of time together. He would make a lot of inappropriate jokes which made me uncomfortable. Then he started trying to prove that I am attracted to him by pushing my physical boundaries. Then for a whole year my car had a lot of issues (thousands of dollars) that I paid for him to fix. So literally I paid him a lot of money. The whole year we were fighting constantly and I was always angry but I could not disconnect the relationship because my car needed a lot of repairs and it was too expensive at the dealer. He was trying to sleep with me through this time, told me I'll be the only one he's sleeping with. Fast forward a year I bought a new car so I didn't have to deal with him in with business. He still would try to come around. We got into a pattern of me breaking it off and then him calling my phone and showing up at my house 1-2 weeks later. I would give in thinking things would change. He never took me on dates except to share carne asada fries once in a while. He didn't really put any effort. A few months back he disclosed that he didn't care for me before but he does now. I am always angry, crying, saying whatever hurtful thing I can to him to get him to change. (My issue). Recently we started getting intimate ( I finally gave in) We had really great sex and were very physically connected. I broke up with him, and then he started calling and showed up at my house. This time he said he would go to relationship support groups with me. Now he started pulling away again and says that I am trying to make him choose between his family and me (I have no clue how) and says he chooses his family. That I'm upset because he's not emotional and he's sorry but he never has been. And that I need someone who is there everyday and that's not him. I finally told him not to contact me for 90 days while I focus on myself and go to support groups. I kept imagining that he was a sweet and caring guy and had all these feelings for me.. It was such a fantasy and now I feel so hurt and dumb for continuing to go back to him. He's a repeat of my emotionally distant Mother. It sucks when you are surrounded by people who are emotionally distant and abusive. You then re-experience it all over again in your relationships. He didn't even lead me on by being sweet. I feel like a fool.
Don't be so hard on yourself, Kylie. This new way of seeing where we learning to look for what's behind our behaviors and our actions and start to ask ourselves the questions that reveal so much about ourselves takes time to become a habit. Find someone - your cheerleader - who you can go to every day for support (it sounds like your support groups may be that for you?) until you can give it to yourself. When you fill your own cup so full, you won't find yourself "needing" or even attracted to someone who can't give you his emotional side, and you'll never put yourself in a position where you "finally gave in". But until then, it's these tiny baby steps from a new level of awareness that needs as much love and support as if you're still that little girl inside you. Because you still are that hurting little girl who needs to be loved by yourself, as much as anyone else. Be proud of yourself for getting the help and support you deserve, Kylie; it takes courage and strength of the real kind to love yourself enough to want to change this. You're on your way!
Thank you Jane!! Sometimes it is so hard to see, and feels so overwhelming. I have decided to do 90 meetings in 90 days so I can get some more support and hopefully finally break this pattern with unavailable people. And also become a better partner myself.
Hey Kylie, what kind of support group are you going to?
Good for you, Kylie!
A year ago I left a very unhealthy relationship. The guy was not respecting my boundaries and I had to finally tell him that I wanted no contact for 90 days. In those days I meditated, prayed, focused on me and did a 40 day amazing self help retreat based on a book that I highly recommend. It is called May Cause Miracles by, Gabrielle Bernstein. I am not kidding...that book changed my life in the most positive ways! Check it out!
I have such a different, positive, healthy attitude about myself. I didn't realize how much healing there was to be done in my life...all of the past hurts I had to heal and all of the people I had to forgive, especially myself. I just know that your 90 days of no contact will be incredibly healing. You are an amazing woman and only deserve the best:)
Hey Kate, thanks for the tip.
I'm going on line and find this book.
I had the same question as Lucinda, about what to do when they "slither back to me". They want to see how much they can continue to get away with. The funny thing with me was that it felt like he had already closed the door by ignoring my last text and being silent for two weeks. He finally texted me again, I got my hopes up and I was the one who tried to attempt a meet up (well of course he got me excited after telling me he missed me and wanted to see me, and realized it more after seeing recent pictures of me) and what happened? he did it again to me! he gave me an excuse, did not try to rain check the time, and then disappeared all over again! Before coming across all this wonderful advice from this site, I would react with emotion and not logic by constantly calling/texting/emailing-looking so desperate! But thanks to everyone on here I did the opposite. I forgave myself once again for it and let it go once again. Its a process and no matter how many times we fall, we get a little stronger each time we stand back up. I do wonder why do they do this? If he constantly avoids seeing me and communicating, what is the point in saying "i miss you i wanna see you" but then to be gone with the wind again? i just cant seem to understand what is the point in contacting me because clearly I made myself available right away, but he did not even take any action towards it. So then why do you think he does this? if he is not interested in seeing me why open my wounds again?
"Its a process and no matter how many times we fall, we get a little stronger each time we stand back up." Exactly, Darlene; I'm so glad you're seeing this for yourself! There are so many reasons why - each specific to each person, but the underlying common reason is that it works for them. It's a level of commitment - or lack of - that's comfortable for them and like so many of us do when we get our hopes up and believe it will be different this time, when they know they can contact you and you "clearly made yourself available right away" it makes them feel good about themselves. Read: it's all about them and really has nothing to do with you.
Gabriela, I can definitely resonate and relate with your experience, as others have also mentioned here too. Your story is almost exactly the same as mine. Met the guy online, he was VERY much into pursuing me (and like you, at first I wasn't really that in to him!), but before we even met in person, he disappeared! Then, breaking the rule of DO NOT PURSUE HIM -- I waited for a little while and initiated contact with him again via text. And so the saga began. We eventually did meet in person. Here at my place! And what I had hoped would be an actual dating relationship has turned in to a "let's hook up once a month and have sex" kind of situation. Having said that, when he and I have been together, we are like peas and carrots...can talk for hours about everything under the sun, he's shared some very personal details with me about his life, and he always talks about things we are going to do together. But then he leaves, and there's no follow through. It's my own doing in that I have accepted the behaviour. So, after another week of no contact and with me texting him and receiving a reply that he's "going through a delicate situation right now", I have finally realized what this 'relationship' actually is. I applaud you for being so strong and not giving in to replying or getting back in touch with him! You truly inspire me and I am so grateful that you shared your experience.
Jane -- thank you for everything that you do. I absolutely love your site and it seems that everything you write about hits home with me every time! My question is this -- because I seem to attract the same type of guy over and over and over (and I'm working on changing that), it also seems that every single time, they slither (and I use that word emphatically) back to me at some point or another. I'm pretty sure that the guy I mentioned above will do this too. So, what is your advice to me when he does? Do I ignore him? Do I say thanks but no thanks? Do I offer to meet him for a drink or a coffee rather than here at my place? What's a girl to do?
You're so welcome, Lucinda. I hear both what you're saying and not saying here. 🙂 Your best bet is to simply say "no, thank you, I'm busy" and move on. The reality is that if he's really changed and is on the same page as you instead of just wanting another round of the same thing, he'll make sure you know. But of course there's always what I think is best for you, and what you actually do, so if you find you can't resist the urge to find out for yourself if it might be different this time, the absolutely meet him only for a drink or coffee at public place, rather than at your place of his place. That part applies to all your dates, not just with him coming back. Don't do the your place, my place thing unless you know he's on the same page and looking for the same thing you are. Lots of public time that doesn't allow for any intimate time too soon is exactly how you'll know! 🙂
Hi Garbriela and Jane,
First off, Gabriela, please don't beat yourself up about this, like Jane said it wasen't anything you did, so don't waste any time thinking "what if you had done something different, and playing out all the different "what if/should have scenarios." I think we've all been there so go easy on yourself.
I absolutely love Jane's advice "Time, energy, real-person experiences with depth, and a feeling that you're getting to know a real person and not just an image or surface of one, is what separates the players from the kind of guys you're actually looking for." This will help-along with all of Jane's other advice about trusting your intuition-with future encounters.
Jane, I LOVED your advice! Thorough, real, and solid help in looking for the real deal. Jane? You rock! 😉
Thank you so much, Tina! I'm so glad this resonated with you and conveyed the exact message I was hoping to. We have indeed all been there, too!
He isnt calling because he does not want to. Its that simple. Whatever the reason you cant really know. What hurts is he left right after he slept with you but its him not you. Maybe he got what he wanted and feels there is no good reason to stay with you. Whatever it is it has nothing to do with you and everything to do with him.
I have been through the same and it hurt so bad because i was starting to get comfortable with him and liking him alot even falling in love. I couldnt believe it could end up like that.
Just cut off from him and believe in yourself. Move on. Later you will find someone who will not treat you like this and who will be with you throughout. I learnt it is best not to have sex untill much later when you are fully commited so that you can know the other person and what he is truly after so that when the worst comes to worst it wont hurt so much and you will know he was only after one thing. Dont feel bad about yourself and keep knowing you are worth much more than what a man thinks of you. Not every man is meant to love you and the one who sees the value in you will come along. There wont be any games and any broken hearts it will flow effortlessy.
Hi Gabriela,
Let me tell you what just recently happened to me – something that I am not very proud of. I met this guy and we exchanged phone numbers. He called me that night when I got home and also the next morning. Overall, we had a nice conversation. I went out that morning and got back home in the early afternoon. While I was sitting on my deck talking to my best friend, the guy called and we decided that that we would have a mini cookout at my house. I asked my girlfriend to stay just so that she could check him out and provide me with feedback. Anyway, he went grocery shopping and brought ribs, hot dogs, sausages, steak and rolls, and beverages. Upon arriving, he began preparing the food for grilling. He cleaned the grill and began cooking. The good was delicious. My girlfriend and I were impressed that he would go out of his way to do this. Besides, I never had a man cook like that for me before. We had a nice conversation and later, my girlfriend decides to go home. Of course the guy stayed behind and we continue to talk about various issues. He kissed me and I was extremely nervous because I had not really been with a man physically in about 3 years. After a while, the nervousness that I felt subsided. We started kissing passionately and this went on and off for several hours, however, we talked a lot in between. I knew that I should not have had him there at my house that long but I really began enjoying the company and did not want him to leave. He wanted to have sex with me and I kept saying no. He even noticed how tired I was becoming, but needless to say, I still did not show him the door. Eventually I gave in and we had sex several times. We only slept for about an hour and half before it was time for me to get ready for work. He kissed me and asked me if he could see me later on that night. I said yes, but deep down I knew that I was not going to see him or even hear from him. Needless to say that the moment he left, guilt, shame, and conviction came knocking at my door. I was a total wreck. I beat myself up terribly because I should have known better. I blamed myself and not him for allowing this to happen. There were too many ways of escapes that I choose to ignore before it happened. What I realize though is that he knew exactly what he was doing. All he wanted from me was sex, plain and simple. I fell for the old trick. I thought I could handle the situation but I realize now that I was vulnerable and subconsciously lonely. I decided not to tell no one-- not even my best friend but I could not hide it from her. I told her what had happened after she went home, and she told me that we all make mistakes and that it was his loss. Also, something similar had happened to her before so she knew what I was feeling.
Anyway, I went to work and then left early to go home. All I could hear from the enemy in my mind was that you are a whore and that you should just kill yourself. I cried a lot while still beating myself up. He did not call that day and I felt the pain of rejection all over again. I tossed and turn all night with anxiety and ended up having a nightmare about somebody coming into my house and grabbing me from behind. I woke up screaming and crying. The next day I went to work and decided to call my pastor to tell her what happened. She scheduled a one-on-one to talk with me for that day after work. Later on I checked my cell phone and noticed that the guy had called me, but did not leave a message. I did not return his call that day.
My pastor called me that night and I was an emotional wreck. She prayed for me and also told me that God has already forgiven me and that I need to forgive myself. That’s the hard part—forgiving you. After talking to the pastor, I felt a little better and turned in early. When I woke up the next morning, I prayed and read the Bible for comfort. During that time, I decided to return his call, but he did not answer the phone. I hung up without leaving a message. About 15 minutes later, he called me. I apologized to him for not returning his call the day before. He told me that he had something to tell me. He told me that he was in a 5 year relationship and that he felt bad for what happened between us. I told him that he should had told me about his relationship prior to having sex so that I could at least decide if I wanted to have sex with him anyway. He said that just because we had a sexual encounter did not mean that we would have had a relationship anyway. He said that he knows that I’m upset and that he should not have had sex with me. I told him that he did not have to worry about me calling him anymore since he revealed that he was in the relationship. He told me that his relationship with his girlfriend was not peachy keen. My reply was, “but you’re still with her.”
Although I was upset, I remained composed and polite, not raising my voice. I politely told him that if he loves his girlfriend that much, than he should marry her and stop fooling around on her when times are rough. I told him that it was wrong for him to cheat on her and that going forward; he should not do this again because of the damage that he imposes on others. Finally, I wished him the best with his relationship (of course, he said thank you) and I told him to take care of himself. He told me to do the same.
After hanging up, I felt so rejected and discarded. Although he confessed about being in a relationship, he only did so after he got what he wanted. That’s what hurt the most. It’s the premeditation and manipulation of a thing. Prior to sex, I asked him if he was seeing anybody and he said no. I guess what made him confess is because I had never called him after our encounter. I was silent. I’m starting to realize that silence makes a man afraid because he does not know what a woman is thinking especially since the norm is for a woman to call a man and ask why he hasn’t called her. I knew from the moment that he walked out the door that he wasn’t going to call me. That’s why I did not call him.
This is day three after our encounter and I don’t really know how I feel. Part of me feels numb; another part feels empty. I’m very quiet right now because I am in the reflective mode. I’m hurting right now Gabriela because he gets to walk away with a clear conscious and a relationship with his girlfriend, while I am left behind with hurt, pain guilt, shame, embarrassment and no one. But I had to be reminded that I do have someone lean on and that is God. I read a scripture (this morning that said, “When my heart is overwhelmed, lead me to the Rock that is higher than I” (Psalms 61). I just got knocked down but I will get back up eventually. I hope that my story encourages your Gabriela as well as other readers. No matter how old you are (I am 49 years old, the guy is 52), things happen. I thought that when you get older you get wiser. Wisdom does not have a time limit. I never expected to go through something like this at my age. However, hurt people hurt people and I received the brunt of his hurt. I just have to guard my heart and use strong discernment in the future. Although I got knocked down, I will get back up eventually. I hope that my story encourages you Gabriela as well as other readers.
Take care,
Thanks for sharing your story, Wynne; I hope you were able to see this all more clearly - and not take it personally - just by getting it all out in writing. I'm always amazed how much writing - and especially journaling with my favorite pen - has helped me to see things more clearly than simply rehashing it in my mind allows me to see. Remembering to be loving and showing yourself that love and compassion is how we go through this journey. It's how we start to see the why, the reasons behind what we do, and gives us the grace for ourselves that we so often forget we need. As you say so wisely, wisdom does not have a time limit, and we are all very much in this together.
I thank God that you are safe Wynne. Your emotions and needs really took over. Never let a strange man know where you live, much less come to your home. You may not be so lucky next time. Would you have been able to give any personal information about this man if you needed to? If he knows where you live, you have to know where he lives. You don't go to his house when you first meet nor does he come to yours. You meet at a public place with people all around until you know more about him. Please be more careful!
Thanks for clarifying this point, Carolyn. Always, always meet someone out at a public place until you know someone very well. No matter how "safe" you think you are, your safety should always be your first priority!
Thanks Carolyn for your insight on safety and security. To be honest, I was not really thinking that way since I had my girlfriend over at the house with me. It's weird that you said this since I had mentioned in my story about a dream that I had about a man being in my house and grabbing me from behind. I woke up screaming and crying. This was definitely an eye opener for me. I thank God for supportive women and like I said before, wisdom has no time limitation and wisdom from others is wise.
Thanks again for caring enough to tell me this. This was a very hard lesson for me and with the power of God, I will not do this again. I am staying as far as away from men as possible.
Jane, I had the same issues too, thinking that if I spend some time with a guy, that we will be together forever, and that didn't work out. I was having oral sex with him, and now I wonder am I still a virgin even if we didn't have all the way intercourse? Please help.
Make sure he's worthy of you, Desiree, before you give any part of of yourself away like this. It takes time to get to know someone, to find out if they're on the same page as you and want the same thing. Take that time, slow things down, don't get involved intimately, and time will always tell if you allow it to.
If we learn to think about ourselves first, instead of acting we would re-act. Take time to think about how you feel about a situation, and what you are giving up to BE in a relationship. Life with a mate is give and take, but if you find yourself not only giving but changing who you truly are to BE in a relationship, you have partnered with the wrong person. The fear of being alone is what makes people do things they would not normally do. It is really ok to just be you. When the right person sees the real you for who you are, and you are comfortable being yourself, you will then find the person who will love you. Intimacy should not be as common as a hand shake. We all have needs, but if you indulge quickly the possibility of having a serious relationship gets pushed aside. You don't mean to, but you become like a roller coaster, a great ride and then they get off until the next time. Don't let anyone do that to you. And don't do that to yourself. Don't play the part of a victim because no one can make you participate in self destruction. No one is perfect. It is said, if you continue to do the same thing expecting a different result, that is insanity. Love yourself and be good to you. When others see how much you respect yourself, they will be good to you too.
Beautifully said, Carolyn; and so very true. Thank you.
Carolyn, I can really relate with what you wrote. So many times in the past I have changed who I was (food, movie, music preferences, I even let my faith slide because the person I was with did not agree with it) and even now I see myself wanting to be more like this person I am seeing. Yikes! I am so glad I read your comment. I remember being in a relationship where the guy I was seeing was morphing into me and it was very unattractive. I must remember that everyone is unique and we all have something to offer. It is what makes us different that makes us special. Thanks for the reminder to respect myself and love myself for who God made me to be:)
Gabriella,
I just want to say that you are a beautiful woman who has so much love to give.... love to give to the man who is worthy of YOU...the amazing creation that you are! It seems to me that that guy who disappeared thought of you as a conquest. It must hurt so much to give of yourself on so many levels...to trust someone with your heart and soul and have them throw it away. He obviously has many issues to deal with and you never know...maybe he just freaked out because of all of this intimacy that happened so quickly that he does not know what to do with it. I am totally NOT excusing him. I am just wondering if maybe there is a chance that the two of you can be together again if that is what you both want. Only time will tell. I hope only the best for you and in the meantime go live the life of your dreams!
Love,
Cathy
Exactly, Kate, because if two people are on the same page and want the same thing with each other and are willing to do what it takes to make that happen - even if it's just making a conscious decision to get to know each other better - that's exactly what will happen! It's always about compatibility, and not all the personal things we attach to it.
Hi Jane,
Your post was perrrrfect for me to read this morning. Thank you sooooo much. So... this guy and I have been dating for a good month now (I have actually known him for about 4 years). Our last date, which was on Saturday was the first time we went past kissing. I guess you could say we went to "2nd" base. Everything was "above the belt" if you know what I mean and it was fun. He wanted to go further but I stuck to my guns and told him I had a boundary about how far to go that evening. I am happy to say he respected that boundary.
Boy am I glad I did. I even realized, the next day that I have no intention of going any further for a while, since I know we are not exclusive. He is still quite active on his online dating site and as much as I really and I mean REALLY like this guy on every level, I just don't know him enough to make a serious commitment.
I actually think I am relieved that he is still on his dating site. I don't know what I would say if he were to ask me to be exclusive with him. I guess we both are on the same page in a funny way and reading your post just reenforced the great idea to take things very slow and wait a long time before completely giving myself to him emotionally, mentally and physically. All in good time...
I'm so glad you were able to see this for yourself, Kate. It's exactly what I talk about here so often; if you remember that you're the the one doing the choosing and refuse to allow yourself to be caught up in the emotions of the moment, you keep that part of your self-esteem and confidence intact and won't find yourself going to that place that's so hard to dig ourselves out of when you've given that part of yourself away! Be so proud of yourself for seeing this like you have. It reinforces and empowers you to remember this - and stick to your guns like you have! - the next time. And that's how we discover who's on our page and who isn't - and what page we're on becomes that much clearer in the process. There's always a reason for the timing of what we find and how we come to it.
Fabulous advice !
Thank you, Millie!
What a story that hit me like a ton of bricks. I just want a decent man, but most have fallen into this category.
I really don't know why I seem to pick this type or why they are attracted to me. I am getting stronger.
I am the prize, if they want me they are going to have to earn it. Loneliness can sometimes win, but I am getting stronger and my will is too!!
Hi Jane
My life has changed since I found your website. Ever since I have shared my story with you and took a more positive view of my relationship...... and started practising on the advice you gave me and put it into action!! End result amazing!!!!! As you know he wasn't ready to commit and need more time and space to think about it. Just when I thought he is becoming distant things took a turning for the best.! I have that emotional bond with him again and we are back on the same page.I decided to hang in there with my relationship with my man and feel positive that he will commit when he returns from Spain!! Thank you so much Jane for all your support and inspiration. Wlll keep you posted and keep on surfing your website to support other out there that supported me.
You're so very welcome, Doreen. I'm so glad you found what you needed here, Doreen, and that putting what you've learned about yourself - and him - into action for you has turned things around. It's always our decision - what we decide someone is worth to us and what we decide we can and can't live with - but it's knowing this - and coming to terms with "what is" - that changes everything! Thank you so much for sharing.
Hi Gabriela! I just wanted to say congrats to you!!! Congrats on having the insight and self control to not pursue him after his dismissive emails! That is an indication of very strong self awareness and self esteem!
I have experienced almost the exact same thing. It is a pretty horrible feeling I know. But I didn't yet have the insight to know that when a guy suddenly steps back, I should also step back and refocus on myself. Instead, as he pulled back, I started pursuing him instead. He pulled back more, i pursued more, my insecurities suddenly exploded out of nowhere. The whole thing ended with me being miserable and basically making an ass out of myself for somebody who was not worth it at all.
It sucks when somebody puts you through this, but it sucks even more to watch helplessly as you throw your self respect out the window in the process. Congrats on keeping yours!
Thanks for sharing, Sky11, and for your apt description of this all-too-familiar push and pull scenario that wreaks havoc on our self-esteem and self-confidence. It's a familiar one for so many of us, and is always reassuring to know we're not alone in it!
Hi Gariela I know that you are hurting but look at it from another perspective. He wasn't there for you to begin with and you are worth far more and deserve better. Some where out there is a special man waiting for you hang in there girl!!
Doreen
Exactly, Doreen. Thank you.
Jane, I can see my story and I all through this, can't you? And the reasons I am blaming myself and going over and over are the same. But, as you said, it is totally understandable when one puts in the effort to want it to work. And losing something we want can make us look for the hows and whys, and when we don' t know the answers, it is easy to point the finger back at ourselves, because we trusted that person who hurt us. And fool ourselves into denying the obvious.
I was swept away by a friend who held my hand, took my arm and told me my support mattered. In the end, she spoke in riddles, lied and hid things from me. She would not go to hospital to drive me home after tests, would not go on trip with me like she promised and called all the shots in our relationship. What did I do? Like a dummy, I tried harder. But I am not a dummy. Just too trusting and hard on myself.. She tried to pick fights with me and in the end mocked my attempts to fix things and kicked me to the curb.
Gabriale, be good to yourself. The reason it hurts so much is because you are a good person who cares....a human with feelings and faults. I have had many sleepless nights. But I will never let a woman do this to me again because I will never ignore red flags. I have been told mine were not just red flags but messages written in the sky lol.
I can too, Wayne. I'm so glad you were able to see this for yourself. Take out the word "dummy" from your vocabulary, though. The reality that you did the best with what you knew at the time applies to you, too. And when you find yourself showing yourself the same loving self-compassion and grace that you have for her, it will make all the difference in your own life. It's how we finally let go and move on - by forgiving ourselves, loving ourselves, having compassion for ourselves, and learning that no one is worth the things we do to ourselves in their name.
Women are possessed with very strong intuitions. Learning to listen to them is hard, but we have to learn to do it and trust our inner voices. It took me a lot of heartache before I became aware of, and friends with, my inner voice. Jane is right as usual. I made my then husband wait three months before I became intimate. He hung in there every step of the way. I have learned to put that aspect on hold to see where his mindset is because, unfortunately, it has become far too easy in this society to make it all about the sex. Although it's an important aspect of a healthy relationship, we cannot allow it to be our tool of measurement. If he can't wait, he needs to move on. Let it go, Gabriela, and learn from this. You are strong!!
So true, Brenda. Thank you.
Hi Gabriela,
I so feel you. I had gone through the same and did exactly the same by beating myself up, blaming on my "did not see it coming" tone. But the truth is it is not your fault. Period. I learn to let go by enjoying my life as it is. In fact, that is the best revenge. I understand we need closure, we need to understand why this is happening to us but my dear Gabriela, we are not in control of other actions. I know it is a big challenge. I had a tough time letting go but eventually I realized that I am better off to be alone rather than being with this kind of man. Take it as a training field. Yes, a training field. It will toughen us up so that we will value ourselves highly.
Never make excuses for a man. If he wants to be with us he will be with us. We are the prize. So forgive yourself Gabriela and love and live your life to the fullest. Take care.
Beautifully said, Sarah; it's why asking someone why never gives us the closure we think it will. Thank you; you understand this.
I'm beginning to think grandma had it right. No sex before marriage or until your engaged. This situation that happened to Gabriela is all too common especially with dating on the internet. I've had similar experiences in the past and now have become a lot wiser for it.
Just trust your instincts and usually first impressions are right. Wish I d followed through with my first gut instincts and not wasted so much time on men like this.
You're not alone, Gab. Don't we all!
So true, Jane! We have all been there!
No matter much we wish it weren't the case. 🙂
Yeah, mine and Gabriella's case seems similar..
On your previous article, I must have mentioned my senior disappear on me a couple of months ago after the first date..
The most annoying part is, I keep running into him somehow in the college campus, even though I try my best not to.. however I haven't talked to him so far, he gets very insecure when he sees me around often or even once in a while..
And one day it so happened that he was talking to his friends outside the library, and when he saw me from a distance, he started walking away and after he walked a certain distance, he turned back at me to see whether I'm responding to his ignorance or not... :/
Now I know running into him while going to the class or library are not exactly controllable.. we can't control what happens.. that's true.. but I just want to know, why is he testing his boundaries with me? I mean if I were him, I wouldn't stick around just to see what I'm doing or how I'm reacting to his actions.. that's lame!
If I were him I wouldn't even turn to see whether I'm responding to his actions or not..
Even though I chose not to respond or react to him or talk to him.. he still does the same old thing..
Either I'm running into him accidentally or he's sticking around on purpose..
What does it all mean?
Just asking though...
It sounds like he's confused himself, Alyssa. Whenever you're feeling confused, chances are, so is he. He probably doesn't even know himself why he's behaving this way, just that it's what seems comfortable to him right now, keeping you at a distance while still checking in with you like this just to see what your response is going to be. Whatever his specific reasons or what's going on in his head, you can be sure that it has everything to do with him. Try not to overthink it; if there's more to this story with him, you'll be the first to know and then you can decide where you want to go from there.