Archives for 2013

The Dance of Letting Go

If you've found yourself struggling to let go of someone you know isn't right for you, who you know isn't on the same page as you, but it’s just so hard to give up on the dream you had for both of you and you still want to believe in the possibility of a miracle, well, you’re not alone. It's one of the most common questions I'm asked.

How do I let him go? How do I move on? How will I ever get on with my life? How do I finally break free of this hold he has on me? You get the idea.

We all want to know the secret to just letting go and not going back. But the reality is that there is no secret. Each of us comes to it in our own way. We finally come to the realization that what we've been doing isn't working. If that realization means we need to let go of someone that isn't right for us, then we also have our own individual way of letting go and moving on.

And for most of us it looks more like a dance of one step forward, two steps back then a cut and dry ending with no looking back.

We start out standing firm in our newly found resolve, feeling our fresh confidence, then find ourselves falling back, full of new fears and self-doubts that reel us back in again. We get a little stronger each time, repeating this back and forth pattern several times until eventually we come to a point where the clarity is finally there and we see what we have to do.

The exact process is different for everyone based on your own unique situation, but what’s most important is to be gentle with yourself and resist the urge to beat yourself up for taking the long way around. It took you a long time to get as involved as you have; it will take you a long time to get un-involved. And along the way, in this process, it helps to remember a few important things.

If it’s meant to be, it will be.
If he’s really worth it, you’ll find that out.
If he’s not, you’ll see that, too.
Sometimes you can still be friends, but most of the time, you can’t be.
Do you really want to still be friends? Or is this just a way to hold on to false hope and more of the same?
You can always change your mind; if he’s not able to accept a change of heart, this confirms what you already knew.
You will eventually be able to let go because at some point things will become crystal clear as you start to see things more objectively.
It doesn’t matter how long it takes to let go of someone and move on. Some people can do this in a moment, but for most of us hopeless romantic, optimistic believer types it can take weeks, months or even years.
The only reason to speed up this process is to get on with our lives; if we’re not there yet, it’s ok.
You absolutely need support to get through this!

I’m sure I’ve forgotten a point or two, so if you’re currently going through this or have already experienced this, please add your additional points in the comments. We all need to know we’re not alone!

What to Do When He Suddenly Disappeared

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Almost all of us have been there before at least once in our lives. The perfect guy, the one you've been waiting your whole life for, suddenly disappears, never to be heard from again. No call, no text, not even a goodbye note. There you are, left all alone, wondering what happened, where’d he go, what went wrong, and, most importantly, what should you do now?

While some of us try desperately to get him back, others go back and forth second guessing everything and blaming ourselves for being the reason he disappeared. Most of us, at one time or another, have found ourselves so utterly devastated by the disintegration of what seemed so promising, so full of potential, that we are unsure of how to move on.

The good news is that there's a process for getting through this and getting back on track, to where you were before he disappeared.

Express it.

Whether you punch couch cushions or a punching bag, cry into your pillow until your tears are finally dried up, scream at the top of your lungs or pour out your heart to your best friend, the key is to let it all out. Let yourself really feel everything no matter how painful, say everything you want to say until you get to the tears and then let it all out. There is nothing as healing as those tears that finally come when we realize that underneath our anger and our rage at what happened is simply a hurt little girl who wasn't ready to give up on a dream. From there, true emotional healing can finally begin and life can begin anew.

Write it out.

Write a letter or email to him letting him know how much he hurt you and how much it hurt you that he disappeared. Don’t miss anything you want to say to him. Write out every detail, every feeling, every way you feel betrayed, misled and disappointed with the way he suddenly disappeared without a trace, without any explanation.

But don’t send it to him; this is for you, not him. It’s in putting it down on paper that you get it all out while it serves as a reminder of what it was really like with him when your memory can only conjure up all the wonderful things about him and the relationship and forgets all too easily the reality of what it was really like. Then when you no longer need this reminder, once you can see the reality of what was instead of the fairytale fantasy of what you wanted it to be, get rid of it.

Forgive him.

Yes, you read that right. You have to forgive him for the fact that he disappeared without so much as saying goodbye. Let go of the anger and the sadness realizing that he just wasn't there didn't know how to handle the situation any better. He wasn't on the same page as you and as much as he might have wanted to be, he didn't know what to do to get there and wasn't able to be honest and upfront with you when he realized this. This isn't about excusing him or lessening what you went through; this is about you recognizing that he is just as human as you and can make mistakes, too.

It doesn't absolve him of what he did or the responsibility for his actions, it’s simply about you making a decision to forgive him and let go of holding a grudge against him. It's about not letting that kind of negative energy permeate your relationships going forward. It’s this lack of forgiveness that all too often ends up with us having hardened hearts with jaded attitudes even when we move on from these past hurtful relationships. It’s when we truly can see him for the less than perfect guy that he really is that we can learn to forgive in a genuine way that allows us to forgive ourselves, too.

Realize it was a gift.

The bottom line is that he wasn't the one for you. You weren't meant to be together. And it really was a gift that you found out now, as painful as this realization can be, before you invested any more of your time and energy on someone who isn't there, isn't on the same page where he can give you what you’re looking for from him. It doesn't get any easier the longer you’re together; it only gets more painful. So know that you've been saved from so much more heartbreak down the road by finding this all out now.

Now you’re available for someone who is on your page.

You now have the time and energy to spend on someone who is right where you are, looking for the same thing you are with someone just like you. There is nothing that compares to this when you find it, and the surest way to finding it is in the process of letting go of the ones that aren't where you are, as painful as that can be to accept.

Above all, by looking at our relationship endings this way, we can begin to see that these things really do happen for a reason, and when it’s meant to be, it will be! And when it’s not, it’s a beautiful thing if we choose to see it that way; as it clears the way for the right one to arrive.

5 Warning Signs You're Dating A Womanizer

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Here are a few red flags that would definitely indicate a potential for womanizer status. A beautiful woman is on a date with a guy that she is wondering is a womanizer. — If he's moving very quickly he may be a womanizer.

Wondering if your Prince Charming is really just a smooth womanizer? Check out this article I wrote for YourTango for a few warning signs…

You've just met a man who, at least on the surface, seems to be your dream guy. He's attractive, funny, charming, successful and his smile (let alone the thought of his caress) makes you weak in the knees. You go out on a date or two, and he's nothing short of perfect. He treats you like a queen, compliments your sense of style and tells you all of the things that you've been longing to hear from a guy.

So how do you know this guy's the real thing and not just some womanizer who's going to disappear after your first slumber party? While the only way to know for sure is to pass the test of time, here are a few red flags that would definitely indicate a potential for womanizer status.

1. He has a reputation. If your girlfriends have warned you that he uses women and throws them away, you need to listen to them and know he's most likely a womanizer. Granted, there's a small chance that you are the woman that can change him, but even if you do, you'll just wind up spending the rest of your relationship worrying he's going to revert back to his old womanizing ways. It's very likely a guy like this will.

2. He moves fast. Before you've even had a chance to meet his friends and family Continue reading on YourTango.com

I'm Confident and Adventurous – Why Can't I Find Love?

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One of our confident, beautiful readers, Ashley, wrote in asking for some advice on what she can do to find love. Since this is a question so many of us can relate to, I wanted to share her question and my response.

Hi Jane,

Thank you for offering to answer questions!

I am a confident woman who is 29, I have my career where I want it and feel great about everything except my love life. I belong to sports clubs, I'm adventurous, I keep myself busy with hobbies and a great social life but find that the dates I do have(very minimal) don't go anywhere. I have only ever had 2 relationships and keep getting told "when I'm looking for it the least, it will happen" It's been about 7 years since my last relationship so I'm starting to laugh crazily when I hear that. Honestly I've considered moving cities as the place I live in is notoriously hard to date and have tried every avenue from online to speed dating. How does a woman in my position keep from feeling there will actually be no one out there for her? Is moving cities a crazy idea? I'm at a loss for love.

Thanks so much for taking the time to read this!

Ashley

My Response:

Dear Ashley,

I'm so glad you wrote to me. I hear exactly what you're saying and could have described myself at 29 in your description! I'm not sure where you are in your small town, but I know that even living just outside of Vancouver, Canada, I, too, was so tired up finding only heartbreak and a lack of available men for what I was looking for back when I decided I needed a whole new outlook on life and moved down to California to start a new life. So I have always been in favor of a change of scenery if you are feeling in a rut and want to see what doors open up to you when you check out what might be waiting for you in a new locale. At the very least, just looking at your options elsewhere can be a reminder that there is so much more to life that where you are currently at and can jump start your passion for life where you're at right now!

And whether you decide to stay where you are or try a new city all together, I have some things to think about that might help, too. First of all, if you haven't already downloaded a copy of my ebook, be sure to start there. But specifically, what I would start with is giving up your search. Mentally. It's a mindset when you do that. Without knowing you and your history and being able to have a direct dialogue about all this, I'm guessing that this search is very much a part of your everyday life. So my point here is about living your life as if you weren't searching so hard for this elusive love. It's about living your life, doing all those things that you enjoy doing and stretching yourself into activities and interests, while being open to see who shows up in those spaces. Not looking for them, but being open to them. Men and women, people from all walks of life who you can meet and get to know just for the sake of making a new connection. Maybe it's volunteering for something you never realized you were passionate about. Maybe it's about stretching yourself to join something you didn't know existed. The point is to live your life in such a way that you're in broader contact with more people than you are right now. For the purpose of meeting new people and expanding your horizons without being so focused on meeting Mr. Right.

The next part is more about creating an energy within yourself that comes from expanding your horizons like this without the pressure of trying to find your true love. It's about giving up the behind the scenes fear and anxiety and instead replacing with a trust in love and the universe or god or whatever you believe in, that those beautiful desires of your heart for someone to share your life with are there for a reason. Someone is out there searching for you, wondering the same things you are, looking for exactly who you are. And part of this mindset is trusting, really believing that love is working on bringing the two of you together in a way that you probably wouldn't expect. So it's learning to let go of the specifics and just open yourself up to a renewed energy that can only come when you let go like this. You'll know when you feel it because they'll be a lightness in your step, and a sense of yourself being the most beautiful gift that a man who's truly deserving of you will be so excited to have found.

And it's also about feeling as good about yourself as you can. Whatever those little things you do for yourself to make you feel special, it's about treating yourself the way you envision someone who is in love with you to be treating you. Maybe it's some fresh flowers, maybe it's a special dinner or a fresh new outfit or a day at the spa, or some beautiful, sexy lingerie that makes you feel so desirable and wanted. It's all about creating a new energy for you, for your life, for all that you are and all that you have to offer that man who is looking for you without feeling like you aren't all this. You have to feel it if he's going to feel it too and be able to find you above all the noise. It's about having your light shining so beautifully from within because you get what all this means, and it isn't about time or numbers or anything tangible, it's simply about being.

It's this combination of living physically like this, while living mentally with this mindset, that makes such a difference, Ashley. And while some of this may resonate with you, while other parts you just don't get or understand or you feel like you do this already, I would suggest that you just sit with these ideas and see what comes up for you. Where you go, what things you think of. Everyone's journey is different, and I believe that we all come to what we need to when we're ready, so don't compare yourself to others or see what you don't have. See what you do have. See if you can find more love around you than you might have even been aware of. It's such an individual thing, such a personal process this loving ourselves and then really getting to the point where we attract and are attracted to the type of love that honors ourselves and reflects back to us the light and love we put out there in the world to everything around us.

I wish I could make it more exact, more specific, but I hope you're able to get enough from what I'm talking about for it to resonate on some level that makes it clearer to you as you think about this in the light of your own life, of your own history, of your own very personal and individual journey.

And remember, above all else, you're not alone, Ashley. Someone who is the right man for you is looking for you, too. And he's on his own personal journey as well, that eventually will intersect with you, too. He might not be anything like you would expect, so be open to seeing the real him, not just what's on the surface. Sometimes who we eventually end up with surprises us in all kinds of ways.

I hope this helps on some level. Remember that you're still so young, and you truly do have your whole life ahead of you, even if it doesn't always feel that way. If you feel a particular place calling to you, explore it; you never know where that might lead if you don't at least check it out. You deserve nothing less than all that love and life have in store for you!

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for Ashley? Please share them with her in the comments!

Why a Friends with Benefits Relationship Never Works

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We forget that we can't separate our bodies from our hearts and souls like we believe we can. A beautiful woman is drinking beer with a guy in a friends with benefits relationship. — We think we can be just friends with benefits, but we're not wired that way.

He's everything you've been looking for in a man except for one important thing; he's not looking for a commitment. In fact, he's upfront and honest enough with you to let you know this right from the start. All he's looking for is a friend with benefits relationship. And so, like so many of us who think we can settle for this, we agree. We can do it. We're up for it. Because in the back of our minds, we secretly believe we can convince him to change his mind and make a commitment to us. But it rarely ever works out this way because we forget one important thing – we can't really do this.

We aren't wired for it

We think we can do this. He's so attractive; we're so attracted to him. We convince ourselves that we're not ready to settle down yet anyway. We fool ourselves into believing we can give our bodies away like this, reaping all the physical benefits – and yes, there are many – but we forget that we can't separate our bodies from our hearts and souls like we believe we can. We can say we can keep it physical, we can say that this is a perfect arrangement for us because we're so busy, we're so picky, we're so whatever, but at the end of the day, what we really are is so alone.Continue Reading

Is Your Relationship Moving Too Fast?

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Why did he pursue me like that if he didn’t really want to be with me? A man is romancing his woman with lavish gifts and flowers. — While flowers and romance can be wonderful, too much too soon is a red flag.

One of our readers wrote to me last week saying "I have a friend who recently met a man who is going absolutely overboard with professing his love (after 2 dates) and giving her gifts. She's, of course, eating it up while all I see are red flags."

This is one of the questions I’m typically asked after it’s all over (which is usually fairly quickly), but not when it’s still going on. The question is commonly phrased something along the lines of "Why did he come on so strong if he wasn't interested in a committed relationship with me? Why did he pursue me like that if he didn't really want to be with me?" But in this particular case the woman in question has a beautiful friend who is looking out for her, and is concerned about the situation while it's occurring.

I have to say that I agree with her concerns. While I'm sure there are some exceptions to the rule, the whirlwind love-at-first-site romance that turns into a lifelong love affair is, unfortunately, very rare. It's much more common that the intense burning flame quickly turns into a flame-out.

I've lived through it myself many times, and I've heard too many similar stories to count. How is it that he can treat us like such a princess, going almost overboard with flowers and gifts and romantic gestures, and then just disappear from our lives as soon as we’re completely smitten and ready to say I do?

There is a reason.

It’s because this is what he does best! This is what he’s all about. It’s the chase, the conquest, the prize – this is what it’s all about to him until he knows he's got you and suddenly he realizes on some level that this has become all too real and now it’s his turn to deliver on his promises and make a commitment. It’s at that point that everything starts changing. For reasons that have everything to do with him, and nothing to do with you, this is the MO of the guy who we have the hardest time understanding.

Because it doesn't make any sense. At least not to us.

You see, my beautiful friend, this guy knows all the moves, all the right things to say and do because he’s practiced this more than a few times. He may say he wants a relationship and a commitment, he may see he’s just never met the right woman before, he may say he wants exactly what you want, but the reality is, he hasn't figured out what he needs to do to make this happen, and his own insecurities give him no motivation to do anything different. He hasn't looked into what holds him back, what makes him not want to commit, what makes him fail to get past the incredible beginning of a new and exciting conquest. And he doesn't have to because we keep making it so easy for him to continue behaving like this with us!

It may help to know that your friend is not the only one who’s fallen for this type of man. Most of us loving, giving, caring, believing women have experienced him at one time or another. This type of surface relationship catches most of us off guard because it seems – he seems – too good to be true, but at the same time it feels so true. And we so want to believe it, believe in the fairytale.

And that should be our red flag.

Because the reality is, he doesn't even know who you are yet! He doesn't even know (yet) that you’re worth all this time and energy and expense this early in the relationship. And he certainly doesn't know if he's in love with you yet.

And just like you don’t even know him yet, or know if he’s worth giving any part of yourself too, yet, you need some time to spend getting to know him and who he really is, not getting caught up in all the surface things he’s doing or saying, no matter how flattering it is!

My advice.

My advice to your friend would be to make sure, through all of the abdominal butterflies and fireworks, to remember what it is she's really looking for: a real guy who’s looking for a real relationship with a real woman, like her.

She can enjoy the attention from Mr. Speedy while making sure that she keeps her head clear and her eyes and ears open to reality. She can also keep things at a more realistic pace on her own terms – If he's not happy with that and disappears, then she has her answer – he wasn't the real thing after all. And she found out sooner rather than later.

On the other hand, if turns out to be the real thing, and he's proven to her that he's in it for the same reasons she is, and that he values the same things she does, he wants the same kind of commitment that she wants, then things will just keep getting better and better. Until she knows that for sure, none of the words, gifts or romantic gestures matter.

I'll finish with a short story:

I was out with one of my girlfriends on the day I met my husband, and she met a guy the same day. By the time my husband and I had arranged to get together and he picked me up for our first date, they had been together 24/7 for about a week straight, and were already planning to move in together. She told me that she knew it was the real thing, it was just so intense, so passionate, so amazing.

A month or two later, just as we were starting to get serious, their relationship was over. Now, about twelve years later, my husband and I just celebrated our 10th wedding anniversary.

Some things just can't be rushed.

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The Dance of Letting Go

What to Do When He Suddenly Disappeared

Express it.

Write it out.

Forgive him.

Realize it was a gift.

Now you’re available for someone who is on your page.

5 Warning Signs You're Dating A Womanizer

I'm Confident and Adventurous – Why Can't I Find Love?

My Response:

Why a Friends with Benefits Relationship Never Works

We aren't wired for it

Is Your Relationship Moving Too Fast?

There is a reason.

Because it doesn't make any sense. At least not to us.

And that should be our red flag.

My advice.

I'll finish with a short story:

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