As 2013 draws towards its close, like most of us, I’m doing some reflection on the past year.
There's always been something about the prospect of a having a clean slate and a fresh start that has always inspired me. Over the years I've made my share of New Year's resolutions, resolving to do this or that, or becoming more or less of something else.
But one of the things that's frequently forgotten in the anticipation of the glittering promise of the New Year is leaving the past year behind and letting go.
Letting go of what we want to do differently.
Letting go of what didn't work, what wasn't meant to be, of what we can’t change.
Letting go of regret.
Letting go of loss.
Letting go of so many things, depending on what we're talking about.
We can get so caught up in the getting to where we want to go part that we don't even realize all the baggage we're still carrying around with us.
Because it's only when we let go that we open ourselves up to all that's still to come.
It’s only when we let go that we allow ourselves to move forward instead of backward.
It’s only when we let go that we can see what’s been there all along, but we couldn't see before.
No matter how much we believe we have every right to keep hanging on, no matter how much we convince ourselves that it's serving us well to keep holding on, it doesn't.
It serves us nothing to keep holding on like this to whatever, or whoever, we're holding onto so tightly.
Yes, you may have every right to be angry, you may have every right to be devastated. But where does that get you? What does that do for you, my beautiful friend?
Whatever happened, whatever didn't happen, whatever should have happened according to you, what does holding onto that get you now?
That's right. Nowhere.
It only eats away at you, tears you apart, and leaves you with nothing.
Enough of the past. Enough of what didn't work. Enough of all the trying, the endless second-guessing, the crawling, the begging, the pleasing, the endless beating ourselves up, lamenting what we could have had if only we had done or said something different.
Enough.
We can spin such a very powerful story around why we can't let go, why we have to keep hanging onto this, why we have to keep doing this to ourselves. But we don't.
The truth is it's hurting us.
It's detrimental to our beautiful selves.
When we hang on to what was, we miss out on what is.
When we hang on to what could have been, we can't see what can be.
When we hang on to our story, we miss the new story that's just waiting to be told.
We all have our reasons.
We all have our stories.
What do you need to let go of? Let it go here and now.
I can't explain how it happens, but something changes when we finally let it go. Release it, let it go, and know that, in the long run, it doesn't really matter.
Later, when you look back on your life with the happy heart of your future self, you will see how small this was in the grand scheme of things. You'll see how even this was part of your journey, as much as you don't see it now.
Looking back at 2013, what do you need to let go of once and for all? Share it with us here in the comments as we support each other on this journey of letting go.
I need to hear it from him. No matter how painful it may sound, I need for him to open up and talk to me. I need for him to tell me whats on his mind, how he sees me, what he thinks of me, everything.
I am so blessed to have happened upon your site Jane. I have been encouraged greatly as I sit here reading posts from almost 2 years ago about the same time of the year. Although the posts were written close to New Year of 2014 and I am 2 weeks away from New Year's Day 2016, as I read the blog posts I know that I made the right decision to let go of a recent relationship that started off with so much promise but that soon showed signs of "misaligned values" whereas we would be on the same page when we were together, but he began displaying a tendency to make plans and not follow through, etc. I opted to let him know via a text message that I was no longer waiting for him to make a change that he demonstrated no ability or willingness to make. That was 3 days ago. I have not heard a peep from him, but am sure that I will eventually have to interact with him because I owe him money, and I believe it is the right thing for me to repay him. He loaned me over $800 about 2 weeks ago to pay movers when I moved.
Even if I do not hear a word from him between now and when I am able to repay all or part of the loan, I feel uncertain about what to say or how I will handle speaking to him again. I do value myself, and I am learning to stand strong when it comes to doing what is best for me and my happiness. However, I am wondering if you or anyone else have suggestions on how I might best prepare for when I will face this man again.
I was willing to give him a little over a month to get his act together before I brought things to an end, because I recognized sooner than later that we was making it clear that despite what he would say - his actions let me know that I was not a priority to him.
Thank you for these beautiful words, Barbara. I'm so glad you're here and are feeling what I've hoped for you to feel as you read through the words I've felt so strongly about sharing with you. When you see him, remember he's human, too. Take him down off any pedestal he's been on and let him be who he is and you be you. Be friendly, cordial, as warm as you would be with someone whose humanness you can see. See the little boy in him that makes him behave the way he has. We're all little girl and boys inside, learning to love, not quite sure how to do it, and behaving in the only way many of us know how. There's someone else you'll be a priority for - release your need for it to be him.
i found that the guy with whom i ws going around is now hitting on other girls. its not even one month that we ended up everything. here i am shattered nd upset bcuz i lost a relation and there he is having a great time with other girls.
how should i take this? i have no idea 🙁 feeling used nd helpless!!! i though may be aftr few days he would call up to at least apologize but i have lost all hope.
Take it as the reality check it is, Sonal. It's not personal, it's not about you. It's about him. It is so hard to see that he can move on so easily while you are left feeling so shattered; you're so not alone in feeling like this. But it's never a reflection on you. It simply shows just how much he wasn't there, how much he wasn't capable of being there - like you were, on your page, wanting the same thing you did. What you want is not asking for too much from someone who is there, but it's not him or it would be. He has to want it too.
You're not helpless, Sonal! You're oh so powerful when you can just take a step back from all the emotions you're feeling right now and see this for what it is. It's painful to realize the truth that someone doesn't want what you want, but you're now free to be with someone who is. It's only when we're willing to give up the fantasy of what we so want it to be with someone who doesn't want it to be that way, that we allow ourselves to be free for someone who does. Free him to be himself, and you free you to be yourself.
dear Jane,
it is tough to let go when you feel that the other person has strong feelings for you but is not on the same page and let you hope that one day truth will come out, things will be different, you will see how good he is, etc. it makes it so difficult to move on. I hate to get separated indeed, but I don't want to waste all my youth hoping and waiting and believing ,telling me tales like if, maybe, when, why. it is so hard to draw a line and to write "the end" on it. what can help indeed? I've loved someone for 2 yrs who reproached to me that I crashed the car by putting too much gas and all men would flee away. I have some other dates and some men are really interested in marrying me. but somehow I can't help hoping this man I have loved so deeply will once come and then what if I am married but realize when he comes that I'm still in love him? how is it possible to turn the page more easily?
thank you so much
I understand this more than you know, Madina; because it's not just about him, it's about you and your dreams and your hopes and all the potential you see if he would only see this for himself! I know. It's that fear that if you move on, you'll miss out, he'll be ready, and you'll be with someone else. It can cut so deep and keep us staying and waiting, and holding on with so much of our hearts and souls.
You have to choose, Madina, you have to decide what he's worth to you, what living like this is worth to you, in the realm of the "what ifs" and the "what might bes" that are so seductive and enticing to so many of us. You can live like that, or you can choose to live in the reality of what is. The reality that if someone wants to be with you, they will choose to be with you. And if they come around, you will be the first to know, and you won't be married to someone else if the two of you are truly right for each other and meant to be together. Love isn't like that.
You only want someone who's right for you, and if he's not there, you moving on isn't going to take away the chance to be together. Quite the opposite, it will allow you to see this all more clearly, to see all that you are and all that you have to offer when your happiness and your worth isn't determined by what someone else does or doesn't do. There's a reason he treats you the way he does, and while you're not going to change him, you can respond in a way that gives you back your power and allows you to choose how you want to live your own life. You deserve nothing less than this!
dear Jane, i really love your work. i am such a lonely person. i ended my relation with a guy who had all signs of mr. player :/ i have no one to talk to or share my feelings what i am going through. whenever i feel devastated or feel like calling that person again...you articles give enough strength not to do so. self respects is valuable.
i remind myself of one thing " i loved him a lot.and i still do..but i love myself more".
thankyou once again. love
sonal
Thank you for your beautiful words to me, Sonal. I'm so glad this is all resonating with you and you're able to find the strength to not settle for so much less than you deserve. There is so much more to love and life than what you've been through and who you've known. You're so not alone in what you're going through, no matter how lonely you feel. You never go through it alone, there's always someone here feeling just like you, questioning, wondering, hoping. Learning how to live our own lives, with our own strength, remembering our worth, remembering we're the ones doing the choosing, holding our own. Never as gracefully or as easily - or as quickly! - as we'd like, but always getting there, one small step - one "aha" moment - at a time.
"I loved him a lot.and i still do..but i love myself more". - Thanks for sharing this; you inspire me.
This is the year that I will finally let go of an abusive and hurtful marriage! This is MY YEAR!
And it is! Here's to a fresh start, Cate. Happy New Year!
I let go the fear to be vurnable! I let go of the feeling wanting to achieve, to hunt constantly. I need to show
Compassion and gratitude towards my heart and soul.
I want to let these two go because I am on a path. And these two things are like big rocks
On my path. And I just want to deal (kick them ) with it and walk on by in my journey...
I
And you will, Maris; you already have! 🙂
Dear Jane,
I have so much to let go of, Jane.
Your words, once again, are ultra-inspiring to me. I just got back home from being away for the holidays, and I've been going through all my mail. I don't send Christmas cards any more, but I still get over 50 of them. Today I opened envelope after envelope of my friends and their picture-perfect families. I am truly happy for them, but it is so challenging to constantly be reminded of what I don't have and what I've desired for decades.
Therefore, I am spending this New Year's Eve to review my 2013 to be ready for a 2014 that is going to be my best year yet because I'm "letting go" and "going forward."
Here's to our best year ever, ladies!
I so hear you, Carolyn. This is going to be our year! Happy New Year, Carolyn!
Thank you so much for your inspiring words. It infuriates me to be this really " together", successful woman, who doesn't let go of someone who isn't giving me what I need. My mind knows I need to walk, and I try, but I don't get very far. Why is it so difficult?
Because it's not just about them, it's about us, Maria. It's about what we're trying to prove, it's about our beliefs about love, it's about our triggers, it's about our blind spots. They simply represent the manifestation of all of these in a very human form. And it's deep, it's mostly subconscious with the challenge to us of becoming self-aware of what's really going on that we're left to do this work. It's usually what serves as our wake-up call when we've finally had enough and are just that sick and tired of repeating this same pattern over and over again. I've been there enough times myself to have asked this same question of myself many times over.
Ironically, in my experience, the women who seem to struggle with this the most are some of the most beautiful and "together" women I've known. And then, too, sometimes, it's because of that "togetherness" that we may feel we have a certain standard to live up to, so when this person in our lives who meets this "gold standard" criteria suddenly exhibits these other behaviors that have us sensing we need to let go of them, we only hang on tighter afraid that this time we really will be losing "the one". But of course, it's only an illusion, as are so many of our relationships once we can see past ourselves - and the potential only we can see! - to the reality of what is.
Giving up that fantasy that we don't even realize, is one of the most difficult things to do, especially when it doesn't make sense to us why he can't see how perfect this could all be, too, if only he would step up to the plate! Most of us don't get very far the first few trys, Maria, but eventually, if it gets bad enough, we get there. Know that you're in good company, this seems to be the challenge for most of us. This is going to be our year!
I think once we are exhausted by replaying it over and over in our heads can we let go. This blog has been very helpful for me and some lessons took time to sink in while others did not. Letting go is a process but worth it in the end.
I'm so glad you've found some help here, Jackie; letting go is truly a process, one step at a time, one lesson learned at a time, one "aha" moment at a time. Happy New Year!
letting go, that is a good questions as to what I am letting go of? I have let go of so much that some, if not most I have also forgotten. But the hardest thing for me to let go of or that I beat myself up is letting go of my feelings my love with in myself, the feelings that always wants to come out and be told cause it just keeps telling me to say it, but why? and I do stop myself because of the fact that I have been told to let go and move on, but the strong feelings i have for him will not let me let go. I am sorry but i just truly don't know how to let go of my own heart and really scared to even take the chance to share it with anyone again. Broken, yes i truly am.
Don't do anything just because someone tells you to, Theresa. This is always about you and your individual journey. If loving this man and holding onto those strong feelings is where you're at, then don't beat yourself up about it or try to go against where you're at right now. This is all a journey. It all takes time. Start where you are, not where someone else is or where anyone else says you're supposed to be.
In our own time we start asking ourselves the questions that get our attention, and we start looking closer at what it means to be loved - and to love another person - and what it means to be happy. We start getting those little nudges from different places that start getting us moving in a different direction.
But until that time when you feel compelled to do something different, be true to yourself and take care of yourself. Hold onto your beautiful heart, Theresa; take care of yourself, love yourself, and be ever so gentle with that beautiful woman you are. In time, we all heal, we all get to where we're meant to be and even that brokenness that feels so all encompassing starts to repair itself one small piece at a time.
Hi Jane, thank you for being a friend , mentor and counseller and for giving such stellar advice. I would like your advice on my situation. My husband of 22 years walked out on me and my 2 daughters 3 years ago. He expected me to beg him to come back as he knew that i suffered from severe dependency issues, but on the rebound i got involved with another man. Although that lasted just 1 year, it was enough to put my husband off trying to get back.
I now am in a healthier happy place and recognise that we were never on the same page anyway and that i dont want him back. We are now fighting a bitter high conflict divorce case for the last 3 years. I have filed it, he is contesting. There Is even a restraining order against him as he tried some intimidation tactics. My question is that my 23 year old daughter wants to have nothing to do with her father as he was verbally and physically abusive. This child has only just begun to heal and come to a peaceful place. Now he is trying to dialogue with her.I would like to help them have at least a civil father daughter relationship, but am scared as i know he hates me and could do anything. What do you think?
You're so welcome, Ann; thank you for your beautiful words to me. How difficult this must be for you, trying to do what's best for everyone involved and especially for your daughters. I would first offer up that this type of decision may be best handled by talking to someone you can trust who's trained in dealing with custody cases. A professional counselor or someone that can be recommended to you by someone in this legal process. I'm sure the questions you raise and the concerns you have are not uncommon in cases like this, and someone with experience with both sides should be able to offer you some help.
And then if it were me, Ann, I would look at him through the eyes of my daughter. What does she need? What decisions most respect and love the beautiful young woman she is? If you have concerns, listen to your gut instincts. If you are dealing with someone who feels this way about you, and you are concerned about what he might try and do, listen to that. I don't know the specifics, but I do know that someone who can walk out on his wife and daughter is often someone in a great deal of hurt and pain and isn't in a place to be there emotionally for anyone - and especially his daughter - until he's done some real work on himself. And yet, on the other hand, he is her father, and she is an adult. Ultimately, her wishes need to be respected no matter how much we long to help heal that father daughter relationship. It's not something that's yours to fix.
Of course you know all this; these are simply my thoughts. In time, trust that she will be able to find her way to a relationship with him of her own choice if and when she chooses to do so. You are Mama Bear, and the protection of your daughters is your top priority. Forgive yourself, Ann, forgive what happened, know that forgiving him doesn't absolve him of any wrong doing, but it does free you. Much love to you as you go through this, there is a way of getting through this more peacefully, look for that, ask for that, and look for the answer. It's there somewhere, my strong, beautiful, friend.
Thank you Jane, for your beautiful words of encouragement and for helping me get a clearer perspective on the issue.Thank you for taking the time to be there in a very personal way for each of us . And heres wishing you and your family a New Year filled with joy, love and laughter. God bless!
You're so welcome, Ann; I'm so glad something I can say can help you in some way. Happy New Year to you, too, and your beautiful girls!
Dear Jane,
Your email came at the right time when I've been getting emails from past boyfriends, or men met and also seeing 2 of them today out of the blue. I've been thinking that now I know that I deserve much more because I am fabulous. All those men I met and wanted to have their approbation that would justify how great I am was wrong. I know it now. It's been a long process to realize my worth and not needing men's approval. This year ends with the universe reminding me that I make the right choices in now pursuing with these men or that I am over those other men.
I've decided a few days ago that I'm ready to allow a kind, loving, caring, honest and of course sensual in my life. I'm done with the nutcases and the men needing to be "saved". I'm no savior anymore.
2014 is all about me and my daughter. I'm letting go of the negative, unhealthy, darkness and opening myself to energy, life, beauty, kindness, truth, laughs, positivity, enlightment...and much more beautiful things.
Thank you for your messages that I read with great attention. They talk to me. They help me. You help me.
Sophie
You are fabulous, Sophie! Use that word often - it has such a beautiful feeling to it and it is so true! And what a freeing place to come to when you can say "I'm no savior anymore." Feel that freedom, feel the energy of taking your power back and letting go of all these things and opening yourself up to exactly what you say here "... energy, life, beauty, kindness, truth, laughs, positivity, enlightment...and much more beautiful things."
And thank you for your kind words. I'm so glad these messages are resonating with you and I'm honored to be part of your journey. You're getting this, Sophie; there are so many more wonderful things to come. Happy Beautiful New Year 2014 to you and your beautiful daughter!
Hi Jane,
I am letting go of a guy who has pretty much just used me for the past 8 months. I thought he was great at first until he kept doing his "disappearing acts", now he just gets in contact when he wants attention and I stupidly oblige. It's going to be really difficult to stop responding to his messages and snapchats, and when I see him in person it's going to be difficult to say no.. But I know that this relationship is not going to go anywhere and I've had too many sleepless nights and cried too many tears over this guy. I stupidly used to think that one day he would change his behaviour and stop playing games but now I know he won't. 2014 is going to be a new beginning and definitely the time for me to cut this guy out of my life. 🙂
Not stupidly, JG; we all want to believe that they'll change, that if we can just hold on a little longer, things will be different. Don't be so hard on yourself; you're so not alone! And the beautiful thing about this part of us is that on the other side of that belief, is a loving, caring, giving woman with so much to offer by these very qualities - we just need to make sure we're not giving ourselves away to someone who isn't worthy of us.
You're the prize, JG, remember that when he comes calling and you're not sure what to do. If you're her, if you're that women who has that kind of confidence that you can say "next" as soon as you see the signs, what would she do? Because that's exactly who you are even if you don't feel like it. It's all there within you and this is the year you're going to finally see yourself for who you really are and what you truly deserve. Happy New Year! 🙂
I'm in the process of trying to let my love go for a man who loves me but only on a part time basis when he wants to and needs his self esteem boosting. On the occasions I'm stronger + don't need him as much he backs off and disappears into whatever his world is. I read my diary this time last year + I realise nothing has changed. This makes me annoyed at myself for believing things would change. Yet again I cannot believe how someone would forget to call you or find it easy to ignore you. These are not things I could ever do. I guess New Year is a good time to begin my fresh start as any.
Love this site + reading all posts. It really is my saviour. Thank you x
How telling to have a record from a year ago to see in writing what you already know, Amanda. To see it so clearly that nothing has changed. Now you have that confirmation, now you know what you're dealing with. Don't be annoyed with yourself; we all want to believe things will change, we all hang on longer than we should believing things will change, that our situation will be different. Because he's not you, Amanda, you wouldn't do these things because you're not him, and he's not you, and that's how you know if you're truly compatible and on the same page. If he can't and you couldn't imagine not, that tells you something. You're not here to change things, you're here to observe and decide if someone is truly right for you and treats you the way you deserve to be treated. And thank you for your kind words; I'm so glad to be here for you!
Hi Everyone,
I have to let go of losing my baby, I have to let go of the hurt I feel of the man that I loved so much disappearing, I have to let go of the hate, anger, sadness, and regret of the choices that I coulda , shoulda , woulda made if I was stronger to see what I see now.
... and then look up, Sophia, and see all the love that's around you. You deserve nothing less than the love of someone who will never leave you, who is strong enough himself to be ready for you and all that you have to offer. You're seeing this now and that's huge. There's so much more to come for you; a new beginning for you!
Letting go...yap...13 months into my search to find that special someone again. And i thought I did but nearly 6 months into the relationship, without any warnings, it was OVER! No let's talk about it, rather, "we're going in 2 separate directions..." .." ...I started withdrawing from you a month ago...." and she began to get closer to her next-door-neighbor (she told me in an email message that he asked her to go out for diner to change their minds since they were both down and out-- she had just left me and he just came out of a 2 or 3 year relationship with a prostitute-- and they were engaged at one point ( I know...how sad and I met her several times and what in the world did he see in her besides a cosmetically shaped body and REALLY messed up child who was living with them??!!!). Several times Melissa told me on different occasions how she could never see herself with such a person. (Sometimes we project the opposite you know because deep down it's what we desire...) Even her own children called him a "loser" because she told her kids about the situation and they saw it for themselves....he was with someone who was terribly messed up and with a severely messed up daughter, hooked on heavy drugs!. But I became jealous 2 weeks after the breakup, understandably so as I even texted her saying that something is going to happen between the two of you because you guys are both vulnerable. She retorked by saing that he knows she' s not ready for a relationship, she needs therapy she told me or that she does not want sex with him and she got angry with me. On the 3rd week following the breakup I went to pick up my remaining items but went early in the morning on a Saturday. I went to give him a CD I had made and to say a final goodbye to him because I got to know him somewhat well...but he was not there. His daughter lied to me and told me he was gone for the weekend and she didn't know where he had gone. His car was parked next door to my ex GF (in her driveway and he was likely in bed with her!) and she told me to pick up the items in her garage that weekend because she was heading out for the weekend herself... put 2 and 2 together but I still was not 100% sure....about 90% sure. Not until 3 days ago where I went on Facebook and saw a blue icon "year end review 2013" and clicked on it. I saw my life events and noticed where I was in a relationship with her on Feb 1st and saw her name in light bolded blue and I clicked on it. It brought me to her home page. I was not able to access this beforehand as I typed her name in the serach Facebook menu and I could not find her on Facebook before for some reason and thought she had blocked me..... But as I opened up her home page, an old wound opened up. It was a new photo that she changed on Christmas day. It was of herself and her next door neighbor, together, close. He held her close to her. Wisdom tells me that it's for the best. They are meant for each other. She may have an IQ of 130 but they are not relationship "smart ". That said, they are both VERY intelligent people but never dealt with their dysfunctionalities and have great difficulties dealing with healthy communication and problem solving and when I went to address something in the relationship once, her excuse was "I didn't want to ruin the moment"...!! I know them well enough to say they both struggle with intimacy as she left me because I wanted more from that relationship, better communication, more closeness, more committment, emotionally speaking. There is a catch with familiarity you know. They both never dealt with their issues---they found comfort in each other where they will never seem to challenge one another's emotional and maturational integrity. She doesn't want someone moving in she told me in the end...perhaps never. How convenient. He lives next door in his own house. Today...I wish to "let go"...by sharing with you this paper trail that I must throw away. Now I need to deal with this latest wound but the worst is now over. Thank God! Time will tell....2014 will tell. I have found someone new but this paper trail lingers and so I need to be careful. I want to wish Jane and all the readers all the best in 2013 and hope that you all find that lasting, healthy love, in its due time!! regards, Luc
Thank you, Luc. And Happy New Year to you, too, my friend. I'm glad you were able to get this all out, to put it all down in writing, to see for what it truly is and to finally be able to release it. This wasn't ever about you, Luc; it's about her. I'm thrilled to hear you've found someone new!
tk u jane u r amazing. and tk cindy and donna u all give me hope. e been in a relationship on and off with this person he telling me all these things and i fell for it again and believed him. and this sat i received a news that was devastating news that left with my heart broken. reading ur blog give me strenght bc i want to let go i want to forgive so i can move on. i know i deserve better and i know the right person for me is out there. yesterday i was so deppressed but this morning i woke up telling myself to to leave the negatives behind especially him and focus on the positives thats coming. i wish i could cut all the communication with him but its hard bc we hv a toddler together . i want to live again 🙂 enjoy life with my daughter and whatever positive that comes along. but the problem is that i dont hv no idea where to start or what to do. suggestions ladies i would appreciate. thank you all and happy hollidays
I'm so glad this is resonating with you, Cris; you've come to the right place where you can always know you're not alone in what you're going through. Letting go and moving on is often more like a dance, than a one time action. Do what you need to do to love and honor and respect yourself. Start where you are, focus on one baby step at a time, beginning with that first step, checking in with yourself as often as you need to find out what you need next. You have a beautiful little girl who adores you, Cris. Be the mother that she needs; show her how strong she will be as a young woman by being that strong woman you know you are deep down inside.
Love yourself enough to know that you deserve nothing less than someone who is on your same page, who wants the same thing you do, and will be willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen. You don't have to cut communication with him; you can communicate with him as the father of your daughter and help him to be the best father he can be to her while keeping your own beautiful heart protected.
When you can fill your own cup with enough love from yourself and from other people in your life that love you and support you, this will become easier to do. Protect your own heart, honor the special relationship between a father and a daughter and see your role as showing him how to do this. You can do this; it will get easier with practice.
It all begins with recognizing your worth, Cris, with resolving to make your own happiness and life a priority. When you begin by loving yourself, when you base the groundwork for your life on that, and add in your cheerleaders, your support network of people who bring out the best in you, and fill in the blanks with your own interests and hobbies and the things that you're passionate about and make you feel alive, you're on your way to creating a beautiful life for yourself that isn't about anyone else's potential and released you from having your happiness dependent on what anyone else does or doesn't do.
And if you need some help along the way from a counselor or therapist who's trained in situation like yours where you have a child involved, don't hesitate to get it. You're going to get there, Cris, one step at a time!
Thank you so much Jane, I am letting go of a liar, cheater, a thief and he calls hisself a pastor. I date been dating him for 3 1/2yrs. I have been there for him financial, spiritual and mentaly after his divorce. His kids were a wreck and I stood in the gap for him to heal. But as soon as everything settled down the kids are alright and he has his true freedom, he has moved on to another woman which is the mother of his teenage son's girlfriend mother. I had so much respect for him and now I only have regret and ashamed that I every laid eyes on him. Letting Go is the answer to this miserable person. I do not want to miss out on someone who is wonderfurl and fabulous by holding on to a NOTHING!!! I deserve much better and so does everyone else that has experienced a liar, a cheater and a thief!!!
You've got it, BRD; you've figured this out for yourself. You're seeing what you deserve and refusing to settle for anything less than this. But don't allow yourself to take on the regret you feel or the shame of getting involved with someone like this. Forgive yourself, my beautiful friend. You did the best you could with what you knew at the time; we all do this. We live, we learn, we grow. You're human! It's time to stop being so hard on yourself, to accept what is, and to simply grateful that you don't have to live like this anymore. You are now free to be with someone who will truly be worthy of you and all you have to offer. This is your year!
Thank you Jane!!!!
For me personally:
1. Friendships with misaligned values (from growing apart instead of together);
2. Habit of having high hopes and/or expectations from some person(s); &
3. Hanging onto addictive "coping mechanisms", like smoking, excessive caffeine, etc.
Thank you for this enlightening post, as per usual. Wishing you & your loves ones a wonderful new year 🙂
Thank you, Downunder. Those are big ones for all of us. Feel the release of them and how wonderful it feels to be truly free. This is your life, my beautiful friend, a beautiful New Year is my wish for you, too!
Thank you, merci, grazie, muchas gracias, namaste, well you get the picture! In moments when I was being drawn back into an unhealthy past your words pulled me into a healthier present. We sometimes need the voices of others to guide us into better ways. I have found an amazing relationship with a new person.....myself. Already I am feeling the magnetic pull of others around me wanting to share in my positive and happy ways. The law of positive attraction truly works. Love yourself first and a great life will follow. Find your truth for your one and only life and above all get up each morning with the outlook that something exciting is going to happen today, with or without that special someone in your life. And, at the end of each day get into bed and be grateful for what you have and who you are, kind, compassionate and a very happy and loving person.
You're so welcome, Donna. Love your advice here, and how you've come to see that it all starts with that love first for ourselves.
"Love yourself first and a great life will follow. Find your truth for your one and only life and above all get up each morning with the outlook that something exciting is going to happen today, with or without that special someone in your life. And, at the end of each day get into bed and be grateful for what you have and who you are, kind, compassionate and a very happy and loving person." - Beautifully said!
This post came at just the right time and I am finally ready to receive the message. I have been holding on to a relationship a bit too long and, for a variety of reasons, have not wanted to let go. He was the first person I dated after my separation and subsequent divorce and he made me feel alive, loved and appreciated after a long lacking marriage. But for whatever reason, he has pulled back lately and it hurts. When I asked he said he has some things to work out from his last relationship and that he knows I deserve better but he can't give me what I need. In a desperate attempt to "keep" him, I have settled for less than I deserve. Patterns have started to emerge that are reminiscent of my marriage and I possess enough self-awareness to know I don't want to repeat those patterns. I believe that the universe gives us what we need and the signs are there if we chose to be cognizant of them. This post is a sign and I thank you.
Blessings in the new year and thank you for all your thought provoking posts.
Cindy
Thank you for your kind words, Cindy; when we're open to receive them, I always believe the "signs" are there. Be so proud of yourself for seeing this for yourself, to recognizing your triggers and for having the courage to see what is really there in these emerging patterns no matter how much you want to "keep" him. Oh how I've been there - haven't so many of us been there! Find that alive feeling in healthy places for yourself, Cindy, no matter how much we think someone else can do this for us, it's never as sweet or a beautiful as when we realize we can do all this - and so much more! - for ourselves!
Dear Jane
I just wanted to say thankyou. The past year I have been reading your blogs and your words have set me straight. I had been with a lovely person, (and although he gave me nothing but heartache) I still couldnt see the wood for the trees. I was in love with his potential and not the real person. He made me so many promises and told so many lies, i fell for them all, time and time again. But you were so right, to be in a relationship, we both had to be on the same page and he just wasnt. I walked away, knowing that if it was meant to be, it would be. I met someone else and put myself first. Steve is the most wonderful person i have ever met in my life, we are on the same page of the same book and he is caring and considerate and I wouldnt have met him, if i had stayed where i was. And the thing is, when i walked away, the other guy came back, telling me I was the one who had broken his heart! I was the one he couldnt live without. So for all you out there, Do what is in your heart. Dont ever be second best. And if it is meant to be it will be. Jayne x
Thank you Jayne for sharing your story. You have given me hope that walking away from this relationship will enable the "right" person to eventually enter my life. I deserve to be someone's priority and to be treated better.
Blessings,
Cindy
Cindy you have given me HOPE also....I know once I let go of someone FABULOUS will walk in.
Thank you for your beautiful words, Jayne! I'm so honored to be a part of your journey and I am so inspired by your story. Thank you for sharing this with all of us, so we can all be inspired, so we can all see what can happen when we finally have the courage to take that first step, to finally face our fears and let go and discover the beautiful truth on the other side that was waiting for us all along.
"Do what is in your heart. Don't ever be second best. And if it is meant to be it will be." Love this, Jayne.