It's happened again.
Just when you thought you were done with attracting yet another guy with commitment issues, you've found yourself once again in a relationship with an incredible guy that has all the wonderful potential only you can see, if only he would commit!
How does this happen?
How do we keep repeating this pattern over and over again no matter how much we think we are finally done with men with this MO?
Once again, we find ourselves with a dilemma with no clear answers; how long do we wait around to see if he is going to commit to us and the relationship?
Are we wasting our time? Or will he be different from the rest? We so want to believe this will be the case!
It can be such a difficult pattern to break when we're attracting the wrong guys until we uncover the root cause of why we are finding guys like this so attractive in the first place. And most of the time it really is us attracting these types of men. It can feel as though we have a unique sense that only seems to know one direction to go in.
His.
We can keep hanging on for so long, believing that it will be different this time; that we finally know what we're doing.
We see past his behavior, to that inner part of him that shows so much potential if he would only commit, motivated by the fear that if we let him go, he will be finally ready to commit to us and we will be too late.
It's a fear that we can't explain and anyone who hasn't been in our shoes won't be able to understand it. It can be such a lonely place to be when we feel no one quite understands or has any real answers for us.
We just want to know what to do!
We wait, holding onto hope, trying to see as many positive signs as we can. The thought of losing him keeps us staying. The thought of him committing to someone else if we decide we've had enough, keeps us putting our own needs on hold. We don't want to risk losing someone as incredible as this. And somewhere deep down inside us, we don't believe we're worth anything better than this. We're afraid this might be our one and only shot at the real thing.
The saddest part is that so many of us actually believe this.
I certainly did.
Click here to get my free PDF guide "3 Biggest Warning Signs He'll NEVER Commit"
So what do we know about this man you're talking about that isn't showing any clear signs of making a commitment to this beautiful woman known as you?
Here’s what I didn't figure out until years later, that seems so obvious now:
1.) If he's going to come around, it will be when he's ready, not on your timetable.
2.) He really doesn't know when or if he'll ever be ready for the commitment you're looking for.
3.) His inability to commit to you really doesn't have anything to do with you, so don't take it personally.
4.) He really doesn't know why he's not ready for commitment.
5.) You can try everything I've suggested in my post Why Won't He Commit? 7 Things You Can Do to Move Things Along, and it still may not change anything. Remember, the only person we can ever change is ourselves.
6.) In the overwhelming majority of my experience, if he hasn't come around by now, he's not going to anytime soon.
7.) This has nothing to do with his age. There isn't any particular common age that any man decides he is finally tired of being alone and will be ready to commit. I've heard from our readers about men in their twenties and men in their seventies that aren't ready for commitment.
The only assurance you have is that you will be the first to know if he decides he's ready to commit to you. He knows how to get in touch with you.
The absolute best thing you can do here is when you've tried everything, is to let him go, walk away and commit to loving and respecting and caring for yourself more than he ever could. Make yourself available for the kind of relationship that you truly want, truly deserve, with a man who is ready and wants a committed relationship in the same way you do.
Remember that there is nothing wrong with you; there is truly someone out there for you who is just waiting to commit to you the way you are capable of committing to him.
You just haven't found each other yet.
Thank you. I’m planning on giving him space but I’m not putting my life on hold to wait for him. If something comes into my life, it comes into my life. His loss.
My ex boyfriend and I had been together for 11 months. We always had an amazing time together and I felt like he was the one for me.
He said he loved me once but at the time I wasn’t sure I’d heard him right.
He included me with his family and friends, I was the first person he called when he injured himself and he made time for me (I never pressured him).
Our relationship was mostly on his terms but I was ok with that, I was happy and didn’t mind.
We went on holiday a few weeks ago (with his family) and had a brilliant time. I felt that we were closer than ever.
A couple of days after we got back, he sat down and said that he didn’t feel like he could say he loved me and he couldn’t understand why because I made him so happy and had a brilliant time together. He had concluded that there must be something wrong/missing but couldn’t work out what it was. He said he’d been thinking about it for a while (although he would’ve been a brilliant actor had this been the case).
Everything he did shouted that he loved me so I hadn’t been overly concerned that he’d not said it. We’d had some discussions about it and each time he’d reassured me that I had nothing to worry about.
We chatted a lot about his thoughts and he got upset and said he was sure he didn’t want to break up with me because I was the best, most serious, girlfriend/relationship he’d ever had. He said that he’d made the mistake in the past of saying he loved his girlfriends too soon but then realised he didn’t and he was scared of making that mistake.
He said he was worried about how he was feeling and that he was scared of settling with me or being too comfortable. We agreed to try living together without pressure and to fight for us.
The week that followed, he spent a lot of time with a single friend of his and when he came to see me that night, he sat down and said he’d thought a lot and was really confused about what to do.
I asked him what more he was looking for from a relationship and he said that that was the problem, he didn’t think he knew what he wanted.
We broke up but I’m finding it so hard to work out what went wrong.
I honestly believe that he does love me but he’s got scared by how he felt and started overthinking things and panicked about his life changing (as a lot of his friends have moved in with their girlfriends and dropped their social lives).
Am I just being an idiot in thinking that he will probably see the error he’s made and realise how amazing our relationship was?
Not an idiot, Amy, but if you're going about your life hoping for him to see and realize, you're probably going to be waiting a long time - and feeling worse about yourself in the process. What you honestly believe about him is usually true, but it's the fact that he's confused and not doing something to end that confusion on his own is the part that's concerning. He can live a long time being confused without having to do anything different at all.
Amy, I hope you’ve found some peace of mind and things have turned out for the best.
I know this post is from a while back but I came across it as I’m trying to get some peace of mind myself. I was in a similar situation to Amy’s. We finally ended things a couple of months ago after a simple row. He wasn’t willing to weather the storm and it came as a shock to me. While I can’t be upset with him for not being able to commit (he feels what he feels and the battle is within himself, there is nothing I can do) I feel extremely hurt that he brought me to this stage knowing it wasn’t in him to reciprocate my feelings and for giving up just like that. What’s even worse, he went on a week’s holiday with a random girl he had recently met just a month or two after we split up. It’s been about 5 months and I’m still finding it hard to open up to other men, how could he go on holiday with a complete stranger after just 2 months?! I’m so hurt and confused.
I am a 73 year old divorced woman and have been involved with a man who I am sure loves me but would not commit. He has been acting hot and cold towards me for two years. I am a very confident professional retired woman and do not know why I allowed this to go on as long as I have even at my age . I guess I think it was my last chance . He is divorced and I think his problem lies with his marriage . Her says he left his wife but now I am convinced it was the other way around, These type of guys have usually faced some traumatic event with a woman or something in their childhood. About 2 months ago , he broke a significant promise to me and I have gotten off this crazy rollercoaster once and for all , It was hard at first but now I feel much better, I went on a trip to Italy and came home refreshed . If I can get rid of this type of guy at my age so can you. Have confidence in yourself girls.
Hello! Advice request 🙂 So my boyfriend (24) and I (20) have been together for about 4 months, but we've known each other for about 9. His family was extra religious in high school, so he didn't date back then. Then he went to college with no experience and no confidence. We finally hung out together on purpose and were basically so shy, we hardly talked. I knew we got along very well at other places and he was interested, so I kissed him that night and his whole demeanor changed. He says it was like a revelation when he explains it now. He asked me to be his girlfriend about a week later. I hesitated at first because I've lived a lot of life. I'm not trying to sound shallow, but I'm relatively pretty and have dated throughout my whole life. I had almost already given up on my generation's vision of love. The only two men I got close enough to to love, both left me and I found out later that they'd been cheating. So this seemed almost too good to be true. I told myself that I deserve the effort he was giving me now and it's time to give myself a break (he really worked hard for me and I could tell he wanted to love me), so I said yes, and since then, he's become my world. We're both wanting to move to the same place after we graduate, we live in the same apartment complex now, we met through different groups of our friends, we are both art students, etc. What's important is that we have moved faster than most people do. He talks about our future together in terms of wanting to grow old with me and have my babies. I have this whole fantasy of my future now. A couple nights ago, he'd been very quiet for a couple days (and I hate when people do that) so I had to coax out of him that he was scared. He watched his dad grow into an alcoholic because he just blatantly regretted his life. He loved his family, but it was clear he regretted a lot of things. Then my boyfriend disclosed to me that due to his lack of confidence and religious childhood, he'd only slept with two girls before me. He was both embarrassed and scared to tell me, it was obvious. So now I'm scared. I finally found my dream and he's finally confident enough to want to experiment sexually. I know this is hard for him too. He's terrified to break my heart because he knows what I've been through (he's also been there through my family breaking down on me recently), but he doesn't want to end up like his dad. I want to be understanding and open our relationship for a little while to let him experiment and know that I love him enough not give up the life we are building towards. My problem is that I don't really want to experiment anymore. I had no idea that I was capable of giving and receiving this much love, and I've had my experimental time. It's only fair if I open the relationship because I understand his thought process. We're in our younger 20's. Help?
I've know this guy for about 3 years. We belong to the samw social group. I always got butterflies in my stomach when he would come around. We would go for months without seeing each other out but somehow would always remain in contact whether it be several weeks or several months at a time. To make a long story short, we got together a few months ago and were intimate together. He came on strong with the texts right after. He even invited me to his families for Thanksgiving. We ended up getting together about every two weeks ( he has joint custody of his children) but just for sex. I told him I couldn't do just sex, I wasn't really looking for committed relationship but wanted to be able to go out and have fun with him along with the benefits. He has told me he doesn't want a relationship, which I'm cool with that, but I have always felt deep down he was my soulmate. I broke off the sex only relationship because I couldn't do it. He still contacts me thru text. Is there a chance he will change his mind?
No.
It's really easy for you to say to move on I'm 59 I look 40. I act like I'm in my late forties. The guy that I love is younger than me he's in his mid-forties. He was abused as a child badly abused and he one minute will act like the perfect boyfriend and the next very quiet and scared. I take care of myself, I work I do charity work I write a book, so I do very many things and have a full life. but all of that does not take his place and me missing him. I've tried to go on dating sites and this is what I have found. Men who are near my age that are decent want to date women 10 to 15 years younger. So that rules me out. I do not care to go out with someone in their mid sixties or seventies I would never fit with someone like that. also on dating sites I have found men from out of town that refused to drive even Midway to meet up for a date. Then I have found man that was worse problems than the man that I love. I'm also an introvert and spend a lot of time at home I'm not into going to meet up groups bars or coffee houses. so as you can see I feel pretty helpless in my situation I'm very smitten with my boyfriend but he is taking a very long time to be more serious. feel very much at a loss because I love him so much and all of his good qualities I believe it would be hard to find those qualities in someone else. So I spend a lot of time by myself wondering what to do next.
We were together for 4 months but things moved quickly so it was very intense. Two months into the relationship he disappeared for a week and would not answer any of my calls, he came back and said that he had left because he was a commitment phobe but he would never disappear again. I was the first girl he dated since his ex a few years ago. However, two months later he disappears again for a week only this time sending a text that he doesn’t want to do it anymore. We met in person the next day but he couldn’t give me a reason for wanting to end things. That was a few months ago, since then he hasn’t replied to any of my texts or calls. He reads my messages and still follows me on social media but won’t respond to anything even though we ended things well. I can respect him not wanting to be with me right now, it's just so hard being completely cut off from him. I wish he would talk to me about how he is feeling. How can I get him to speak to me again? Is it a good idea to tell someone with commitment phobia that you understand what they're going through?
Unfortunately the one thing that helps commitment phones is SPACE. They have AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT systems. Look into attachment theory.
I realize this is 4 years old, but I think anyone reading this can benefit from knowing.
Commitment phones, true ones, like the one you described, will disappear for a week, stop texting, move around a lot, ghost you when intimacy is high. Leaves you wanting more wondering what happened. Like a drug.
It is the closeness that trigger a fear and threat response in their nervous system/attachment system.
The AMYGDALA gets triggered and fight/flight/freeze takes over. The reptile brain takes over.
For this to work, they need to be with a secure attachment person and doing work on themselves. Or it will fail.
I have been in a relationship for 4.5 years, my boyfriend was addicted to XBOX, bounced from job to job, but never made me feel that I wasn't loved. Before Christmas he called me at 930am saying that he was leaving, moving back to his hometown and did not want to be with me anymore. So he packed up and left. A week later he called me and said that he wanted to get back together and work it out...so we did. Less than 24 hours later he was calling to tell me that we made a mistake and that he never loved me, I repulsed him and that I needed to leave him alone. Another week later he called me again hysterical, miserable and saying that he tried to move on with someone else and it only made his feelings for me stronger and made him realize what he wanted. Said he was so cruel so that I was able to hate him and move on, and now he "says" he is 100 percent ready to prove himself everyday until I am ready to let my guard down again and be with him. HELPPPPPPPPP
This sounds very very toxic. I'd stay away. He seems to have severe issues that he needs to take care urgently and by himself.
Sounds like a roller-coaster ride, Stormy. My question for you would be, do you like roller-coasters? If you do, great. If not, not so great and you may have a decision to make.
He needs a good therapist seriously.
Hi 🙂
Well.. Let.s just say that im getting lost on your article bcz of my doubtness. Im 26yo (f) and im seeing a man (27yo) from another country for 5months. At first time, we met each others online after i broke up with my ex. He.s showed all of his affection toward me. Id ever got disappointed to him before and made me annoyed, but he apologized to me. And there.s come a time that i really got insecured to him, bcz he couldnt available on his birthday which was made me over jealous and sensitive, and i shouted angrily that he.s a liar bcz of small matter. He got so mad, annoyed, and angry to me. He only responsed me half-heartedly, which was so uncomfortable for me either. I already apologized many times and explained why i did that. But the responses id got from him was the facts that he.s afraid of me, afraid of i will do anything harm to him (physically or mentally), afraid of i will left him hurt, suggested me to look for another man bcz he couldnt make me happy and always disappointed me, and suddenly he brought up about his plans to study abroad 2 years from now and cant forsee the future of both of us. Honestly, my heart feel likes broken into pieces heard he could say that way. We never meet facetoface, bcz of his tight schedule, i planned to visit his country, but what he showed me just like a burden, even for meet me as a person. He ever said talk to me is his solace, but after that happened he even wont look happy to meet me, and take it as a promise to keep :'(
I dont wanna rush it become a commitment, i realize we dont even start the relationship yet. But we keep in touch till now like a couple (idk he thought me as his couple or reply me just for politeness). I dont know what i have to do :'(
Im tired of jump into one relationship to another, tired of being cheated or being unappreciated. What i should do?
I was in a long distance relationship for 5 years and engaged for 1 year and a half. From the first year he told me that i'am the one and he's serious and wants us to get married in 2 years . Then he postpone the engagement for the 3rd year because of some issues in work and we fix our wedding date and planned it for that summer than there's some problems in the country he lives in and they don't give visas for our country it's political problems so he postponed the wedding for this month and suddenly he told me he wants a break and he doesn't tell me the reason but before 1 week we knew that the visa still closed but we decide to not ruin our wedding and when we get married everything will be ok. So then he broke up with without telling me why but i knew from his friends that he doesn't want to marry me if we can't live together ! So what did u think?
Cheryl I am 49 and going through a very similar thing with a man who is 63! He has also said the same things to me and I know he meant them. When I say commitment I don't mean keeping someone under lock and key. I've already been through settling down and having kids, I just want some good company I can rely on. We had such a nice thing going, no pressure from me, and he sabotaged it by getting on tinder and messaging a few women, one of whom happened to be my best friend. He got off before I found out and was going to tell me, but my friend beat him to it. I was devastated bc I have been through infidelity and betrayal before and I thought we had such a strong connection. I dumped him and now he has disappeared and won't talk to me. Although we were so close he kept saying he wasn't available for commitment. I'm guilty of not taking him more seriously bc our loving connection seemed to suggest otherwise. As hurt as I am I am sorry for him too. I think this pattern has brought him a lot of pain and loneliness. There may be less options in our age range but the universe has produced miracles before, guess I'll go to my grave believing in true love. I'm very heartbroken right now, but I'm glad I gave it a shot and let someone in my heart. Although I don't know how many more of these I have left in me.
So sorry Cheryl and Helen!
Going through the same thing
Thought I found the love of my life at 47 but now at 50 he broke up with me because the word future scares him...I didn't even need to get married or move in together. Just voiced the fact that I could imagine growing old with him in some creative fashion! we never really fought and were a good fit in many ways! I'm beyond devastated- but life goes on and I won't give up on love!!
Cat
And now you know, Cat. Oh as much as it hurts, at least you know the truth. Because if the word "future" scares him, just imagine what else about a very real relationship would scare him, too!
It is important to realize that if you are 40 or old the dating pool is filled with AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT because they have essentially avoided relationships and commitments and so make up over 50% of the dating pool in the age range.
Secure attachment people have met, settled, married and gotten out of that dating pool.
So- the point is yes when you age the men and women who are decent and available get smaller and smaller.
Many fine qualities with these men and woman, but understand they are commitment phobes because of their attachment system.
Learn about attachment theory, join an attachment group. You will see so man things and understand so much more which will help you while dating at this age!
When you are older, it is much more difficult to find a decent relationship. I was in a relationship that fit perfectly, but he had issues with being scared. He is off alone now, thinking about things. I give him space and rarely speak to him. I have tried dating for the last 5 months we have been broken up and the people out there were horrible. I love my ex and would like to try again, but I know it does have to be on his timeline, not mine. I also sadly understand that he may never come back, even though he said, he had never been that happy before and never had the feelings for anyone like that before. It makes me terribly sad. We fit together. But as I said, as you get older, there are NOT many chances for relationships that are decent. I guess I am tired of articles saying ...there are many opportunities for love. No there aren't, you can ask many men and women who have been on dating sites that are over 40. There just aren't. Most people have a lot of baggage by then. I'm very discouraged and still deeply in love with my ex.
I don't know what happened to my original post, but here we go again.
I'm 32 by boyfriend is 34. We've been together for 2 1/2 years now and have lived together for almost 2 of them. Since the beginning of our relationship I've been very clear about wanting to be married and have children. He told me he is on the same page and it's been great! 7 months after being together we moved in together and were on the track toward marriage. We would talk about our "one day house" and kids. But lately if the subject comes up it's an instant fight.
We have so much fun together, I can trust him, and he would make a great husband/father... but something is stopping him. He won't open up to me and tell me why and now I'm thinking it's because he doesn't know why. Our family and friends all ask when the wedding is... and it makes him super uncomfortable. I'm tired of waiting though and I want kids. I'm 32 now so my clock is ticking very loudly now!
I'm thinking about moving out. I've told him I'm not going to be the live-in girlfriend forever and I want marriage a few months ago but nothing is changing and we still can't talk about anything in our future. He says he hates that I have to "plan everything." I'm trying to talk and build a future together and I think he's just fine living together in a rental house.
I love him so much and I really don't want to leave, but I know what I want out of life and I'm done waiting. If I wait much longer I'll never get what I want and I'll resent him for it.
This sucks.
@Jackie,
From my perspective, he feels the pressure and probably feels a bit guilty because everyone is looking at him asking the same questions (When, When, When). This might be causing him stress and anxiety especially if he is an over-thinker.
I'd try and talk with him and get him to open up to you. Your mission is to get him to feel comfortable sharing his anxiety's with you. You want the conversation to be focused around him and how he is feeling. Assure him that he can tell you anything. Personally, I would plan a outing, something that will bring you guys emotionally close. After a good evening together or coffee in the morning, I would subtly spark up this conversation.
If you can get him to open up to you, be supportive. Try and identify anything that might be preventing him from committing. Fear, stress, anxiety, and expectations are all emotional symptoms of circumstances. Find out what are those circumstances are. Once you know the underlying problem, you as his significant other, can help him through it.
Be patient. It may take the right moment to get him to open up. If you truly have a clock set on this relationship, never use it as ammunition against him. Just value your needs, try to reopen your communicate channels, and if all else fails, you can decide what to do.
Once thing I might add. I dated a woman who's family would always ask when the wedding was and when the kids were coming. This to me was a very private topic. Personally, I didn't like these sorts of comments. It created unneeded pressure and made me feel uncomfortable. I would politely ask those relatives/friends to refrain from those sorts of comments. These decisions should be kept between the two of you. At least, until you are ready to openly share them publicly.
Communicate. Be supportive. Be happy. Take the positive road in every situation and don't get stressed. Things will always work out how they intended to. Even if it doesn't seem like it at the moment. Best of luck!
Hi Klaasic. Thank you for your insight! I've been trying to talk to him about it but he's a "stonewaller" so when things get uncomfortable he withdraws to "keep the peace." It really doesn't help anything and I'm getting super frustrated. I wish I knew how to get him to open up because it would make things MUCH easier if I knew where he's coming from. As I'm sure it would be good for him to get things off his chest.
I like your advice, "Your mission is to get him to feel comfortable sharing his anxiety's with you." I'll give it a shot before I throw in the towel. Not sure how but I'll try.
If you give it all you got, you shouldn't have any regrets. Sometimes, things have to collapse before they get better. Negative situations can give way to some truly beautiful outcomes. I ended a relationship a few months back due to my fear of commitment and lack of self confidence in making a serious relationship commitment.
Months later, I have focused on myself and have watched my attitude towards commitment change completely. I also discovered I was stuck in a negative thought pattern that was making it impossible for me to see the positives of taking my relationship to the next level. Everything had to crash a burn for me to learn a very important life lesson. There are no wrong decisions. But, if you think negatively, you are sure to bring negativity into your life. If you think positively, you will bring happiness into your life. It's the law of attraction.
As John Milton put it "The mind is its own place, and in itself can make a heaven of hell, a hell of heaven."
So, even if the perceived worst case scenario happens and you guys split, you never know whats on the other side. Just make sure you do your part to give it a solid chance. That way, you won't question yourself later down the road. Oh, and always choose the happiest perspective when presented with the challenges along the way.
One more suggestion for you. I'm not sure if there is anything he has always been intrigued by; such as a sport, activity, or hobby. But, if he is actively involved in his passions or is taking on new exciting en-devours; he will likely be able to handle stress easier. I was in a rut and I went for a skydive. It was just the jolt of inspiration I needed in my life at the time. I'd try and find out if there is something he's always wanted to do and help him accomplish it.
We had a great talk last night about setting goals together as a couple. He doesn't like to talk much about the future, says he's about the right now. I told him that I am happy with him right now, but there are things that are important to me for the future and I need to know he's on board. I want to build a life together with him, and want to know what he wants too. I think it went well. At least, I hope it did. He opened up a little bit... so that's progress!
That's great news! It sounds like you guys already have a strong relationship. I think if you continue working on keeping all communication open and free, you guys will be figure it out together in time. Just be sure to support each others individual goals as well as your own goals as a couple along the way. Best of luck!
This may help, too, Jackie - "What he needs most from you." And thanks for chiming in with your male perspective, Klassic.
Update: We started counseling and I feel like it's just made us fight a lot more. I finally realized he's not talking about the future because he's simply not interested in doing so. It's not important to him. There's nothing I can do about it except decide whether or not I'm ok with it. And I'm not.
I told him my revelation and I've joined a volleyball league and started looking into buying a house on my own. I haven't told him about the home... I'm giving it a little time so work itself out while I figure out exactly what my plans are.
So here's my question now. Do I tell him my plans? I don't want it to feel like an ultimatum. But I don't want to side-blind him either. I love him so much but I realize he's not looking for the same thing I am... at least our timing is off.
I would look at your reasons for telling him now versus telling him later, Jackie. What are you hoping to accomplish with either option? Does it really matter? You're onto something to recognize that you can't change his priorities or what's important to him; you can only become clearer with yourself about what you can live with and what you can't. It rarely makes as much of a difference to him as it does to us, so becoming clear first on what you're hoping to gain from this, will help you know what you want to do.
I am 27 (m) and was just in a Long Distance Relationship. I was in love with my girlfriend (25) and we stayed long distance for a full year. However, the relationship started to get rocky when I felt overwhelmed by the pressure to propose. I did not handle the pressure well, so I started disconnecting from the relationship slowly. Eventually, it lead to us breaking up. This wasn't the first relationship where I have felt pressure when it comes to a proposal.
I think the most important lesson I have learned is that couples need to work together. You should never want to force ultimatums on your significant other. You should work with them on their concerns and help them move past any fear of commitment they may have. You shouldn't force your individual wants on your partner. That is not love. Everyone has different goals and ideas of how they see there life playing out. When life changing topics feel "forced" it makes us feel disconnected from our own spirit which in turn makes us feel disconnected to our partner.
In relationships, we forget there is no right and wrong. It is not wrong to fear commitment just as much it is not wrong to want commitment. It's up to the couple involved to determine if they want each other enough to change with each others wants and needs. Committed relationships are a wonderful thing. Especially when couples work together to help each other fulfill their goals in life. The only way that happens, is with open and honest communication about each others wants and needs.
To the author: I enjoyed your perspective about the topic. I can say, as a male, you are pretty on point.
Exactly, Klaasic. Thanks for chiming in here with your male perspective.There are no "rules"; there's only two people working together to navigate a relationship that works for the two of them. I'm glad this resonated with you.You don't have to settle for less than you deserve either. Reach out, get some help to find out your own "why"; you can absolutely change what you want to change, too!
So my boyfriend of three and a half years always talks to me about wanting to marry my and have children with me after college. (We even names chosen out) he tells me he loves me all the time and it's just so nice and I feel the same about him I would def. see him as my husband and he tells me all the time that he will never cheat on me because his mom cheated on his dad and he sees it as very hurtful, he was basically traumatized and had a crappy childhood because of it and today he tells me over the phone that he's afraid of commitment that he will never stop loving me but he's afraid he will later on in life cheat on me and I'm just so confused. I don't understand why he would say that. I guess we are each others first love. He tells me I'm very controlling and I was during our first year together but I don't think I'm controlling at all anymore. I just need help understanding him.
good read. thanks. i was married for many years and have 2 great children. divorced a few years back. i enjoy being alone and free most of the time but sometimes crave a woman's touch very much.
don't mean just sex necessarily. i go on dates sometimes. many involve passionate kisses, hugs, the sincere feelings of loving and being loved, like i just want to let myself go and dive deep into romance.
and then the fear of love hits. it's like as soon as i think i am developing feelings for a woman, i need to sabotage it, torpedo it into pieces. it's not deliberate, it's like an autopilot verbal destruction of what i have built with the woman. nothing loud, nothing insulting, but yet profoundly hurtful to her. she takes off, and i'm left with regret and my ego doesn't even allow me to express that regret to her.
i suppose i am condemned to repeat this groundhog day nightmare. i know i am a jerk and an a-hole but it's not intentional. perhaps this is my twisted way to apologize to the women that i have hurt, an anonymous note on your comments section. forgive me.
Ask yourself what it is you're really afraid of. Find the root cause of the fear, understand it and face it. It's the only way out.
We all make mistakes but it's our drive to own up to them and rectify them what counts. It's our drive to evolve and grow to the greatest of our own potential what sets us free and sets us apart from unconsciousness.
If you're really genuinely done with being this way, then it's time for you to dig deeper within yourself to get to know yourself and all your detrimental beliefs that sabotage your life. The only way out is through. You can do this. Show yourself what you're made of and surprise yourself with your own capacity of greatness.
Good luck to you.
I hear you, Bobby. And having met so many men like you, I understand you more than you know. We're all human. And behind the label that's so easy to pin on you and everyone like you, there lies the very human little boy inside who just the little girl inside us, only wants to feel safe, too. We all have our reasons, and we all can change what we do if we find a safe place to start from. But first, we have to want to. Ironically, the issues are not so different, nor are we.
isnt it true that men scared of commitment want everything from you , but dont want to give anything in return? Like they only text, but never ever phone.
Only if you're with the wrong ones, Bia. And only if you allow them to only text, but never phone. You are so much more powerful than you think!
Hi So just untill recently I was with my fiancée for 5 1/2 years and due to get married sept this year... We had a great relationship and love each other very much but he has now split up with me because in his words not ready to settle down and doesn't think he wants to have children which I 100% do eventually. I am completely heart broken and apparently so is he I just don't get how you can end things with someone you was happy with and loved?! He is saying he doesn't no where his head is at right now but wants me to be happy and doesn't think he can give me what I want!
Hiya,
Ive only just statted seeing this guy about a month and a half ago. He asked me out a few times until I finally said yes. We have such an amazing time together, have so m7ch in common. He has saidto methat heis falling in love, as am I. The only issue at the moment that seems to be gatting in the way is that I am just here travelling. I dont have a schedule of when im leaving...so Im here for the next long while at least, but I think he is scared of falling in love then being hurt when/if I have to go back. We have chatted about it several times casually, but this week heasked if we could just be friends and see how we get on. I told him how I felt about him and that I was wanting to keep going, see what happens, and just focus on being happy for the present moment...but also that I understand his reservations. We have sent a few messages and he is so genuine and honset so I do not dojbt his feelings for me....Im just starting to get anxious and I dont want to miss out on something that could be really great. Also,his last girlfriend from a year ago left to go back to America and they broke up from it...and he also bas some depression issues.
I am just giving him his,space and allowing him to come to me when he is ready...I just dont know how long is too long. I think I just need some perspective.
Thank you,
-Mel
Hi Jane!
I've been dating my guy for a year now, we've been a couple for 6 months. Right before Christmas we decided that we were going to move in together, and he even wanted to come to Europe with me for the holidays to meet my family. He mentioned marriage on a few occasions, said that he wanted to marry me, and even indicated several times that a proposal was around the corner. Then all of the sudden everything changed after we got back home from Norway. We had a GREAT trip! But when we went back home all of the sudden he said he wasn't ready to talk about buying a place together in a year, he wasn't even ready to move in together now, and he wanted to slow things down. This freaked me out, and I felt very insecure about our relationship and how he felt about me. Then all the serious conversations started, and our relationship was strained for about 2 more weeks until we broke up. He said he loved me and that he could see a future with me. But he wasn't fullheartedly in the relationship anymore, and he wanted to be single and focus on his career. He broke my heart and I felt like my whole world came crashing down on me. We talked on and off for 3 weeks until I decided to give him my final goodbye. We said what we needed to say and I found peace with it. He said his goodbyes and he seemed to be at peace with it as well. The next day I get a phone call from him. He sounded miserable and said that he had not been dealing well with the breakup. He wanted to get back together and be in a serious relationship, and that he wanted me in his future. He also said that the breakup was about him getting cold feet. I had met his family, now he had met my family, and he said that this made him feel pressured to a timeframe where he had to propose and have children with me in the near future. He also told me that he had gone on one date only a week after our breakup, but that he did it to try to occupy his mind. The date ended with him saying that he couldn't see her again cause he wasn't over me. At least that's what he said. He also admitted to have talked with a few other girls online, and that it didn't last for long.. However, because I love him, I took him back. We've been back together for a month now, and things are going good. We are communicating better, and fighting less. He is moving into his own place, and I live in my own place, and we see each other maybe 3 nights out of the week. In a way it feels like he has his own life, and I have mine. I feel like I would like for us to have more of a life together.. I don't mind taking things slow and not move in together until next year.. However I don't want to be in a relationship where I feel like I can't plan a future with my man. I feel like I can't make plans with him- not about marriage, not about kids, not about buying a place together, and not even about moving in together next year- because I am afraid that he will get cold feet and run again. In one way I am thinking that if I give him time before bringing up these topics, he will eventually come to me and talk about these things. He will want the more serious commitment to me. In another way I am thinking that what if that is not the case? What if I give him time and he still gets cold feet when talking about the future? I don't want to plan a future where I do everything on my own and not include him. I don't want to only say "I" when I talk about things I want to do- I want to say "we". He has said he wants me in his life forever, he has said that he wants children with me some day. He said those things after the breakup. Before the breakup he told me he wanted to marry me too. He invites me to hangout with him and his family, and he has even added me on to some benefits with his job. He is a great man with a good heart, and he has a lot of qualities that I find important. I love him tremendously and I want to spend the rest of my life with him. What I don't want is to be "ambushed" like that again. If he was to leave all of the sudden because of cold feet, I couldn't handle that ever again. So I just don't know what the right thing is to do here. Please give me some insight in regards to what the right thing is to do!
Sophie.
There's no guarantee that he won't get cold feet again, Sophie. He talks such a beautiful story but whether or not he can live up to that with his actions is another thing. There's always a reason we don't feel safe to talk about certain things. Because when you're with someone who's truly on the same page as you, you naturally talk about those things together.
The right thing to do is what's right for you. You can't change him - it's not your role to change him - this is about you doing what you need to do for you. If you can't handle him leaving again because of cold feet, then you know what you can't handle. There are no guarantees, but there are intuitive feelings that we can have about someone that are usually very close to what's really there - and what's not. And there are so many ways that someone tells us where they are really at beyond whatever words they say to us. Whatever you do - don't make this about him.
Make this about you. About you taking back your own power and living your own life so that whatever someone else chooses to do with you doesn't make or break you. Live your own life. Focus on you and the life you want to create for yourself apart from any thing he can or can't give you. He's obviously going to do what he wants to do and what works for him; now you do what works for you.
🙂
and i will be gone when he comes home one day from work. i wish i knew how to help but you can't help someone who doesn't want it. i know now that if Im not receiving what i put out then i don't need to continue to be taken advantage of. the "i love you" one day and "you're useless" another day is old. its exhausting trying to please someone who is incapable of being happy. so i am moving on! deserve so much better.
so I've been in a relationship for almost 3 years. when we first met i was going through a divorce. he was kind and funny and supportive and we were best friends. he portrayed himself to be this kind loving guy who was here to stay and make all of my dreams come true. then he started taking two week vacations where he wouldn't speak to me then out the blue want to spend time together like nothing happened. that went on every couple months for about a year. he said he did that because he's used to being alone and needs space and time to himself. plus i have a son. the past several months he's been hateful off and on. makes suggestions as to how i should respond to it. list keeps getting longer but his suggestions never help. all i ever hear is what i do wrong. his mother couldn't raise him. his father went and got him and his brother from california when they were very little and he raised them. he never forgave her and i think that's why he resents me so much and makes hateful comments when Im doing things with my child. at first i thought it was just a hard time adjusting to being around a child but I've come to realize its his past that he never got over. he resents his mom and his dad because he also had 2 step mothers. so he never saw himself raising any one else's kid. he said he loves my son and has no problem with him and no problem with me but he has a problem with the fact that i have a child. he's always causing arguments and nit picking over things that shouldn't be an issue and there's so many times that he's needier than my son and Im constantly doing so much to please him and make him happy. he's slacking at work. Im paying all of the bills. he talks to me like Im vapor. Im just fed up. he basically told me that he doesn't value women and would rather be single. that he loves me but can't figure out if he wants to be around forever. that i shouldn't be upset about the 3 years wasted bc my marraige before him was just as bad and his 3 years of bs didn't make much of a difference. it just drives me crazy how someone can be hot and cold and be there and then not off and on. he says i deserve better but he can't give that to me because he's messed up too much already. all i ever hear is excuses from him. its not even just in the relationship. he can't even commit to plans for a weekend or a job. a goal. nothing. i just don't understand why he demands so much if he doesn't intend to stay. he says how much he loves me but Im tired of waiting and being let down after he gives me hope and no one is worth sacrificing my child for. he needs to stop being jealous and stay out of my life. he won't allow me to ignore him or distance myself. but he will blow me off for days. Im tired of giving everything only to be heartbroken and receive so little. so i started packing things here and there.
Hello Jane
I came across your site and it really gave me some answers, I do need some more tough..
I v been in a 10 year realastionship with this man, and last August I realised that I m really in love with this man after I failed marriage
So living together and doing all like married couples do , I was so happy to ask him for us to get married.. It wasn't the answer that I expected.. He said that he was happy as he is
At first I let it rest and I kept asking but to no avail
By now I was already switched off and I was heartbroken at one point
In November he told me that he wants us to buy a property together and I wasn't really keen about it, within I knew that I wasn't the same , but I forced myself into it and signed papers
One day I just woke up and I was so upset and I don't know from were the words came from.. I calmly told him it's over
I know I broke his heart and I m sorry for this, but I wasn't the same anymore.. Where did my love for him gone?
Since he wants to stay like he is and I want something else I can't see us matching up.
I said to myself many times that I am bitchy, stupid and much more for ending like this because afterall he is a good man, a true gentleman
But like I said it's not the same not anymore.. I holded on to my principles and I m moving out
Rejection hits hard.
Thanks for this site
Regards
P
I just ended things with a noncommittal guy and I am regretting it! We are both in our mid-twenties. We were on and off for almost a year. Very soon after starting to date, he drunkenly confessed that he felt he was beginning to fall in love with me, which I mostly brushed off as just intense feelings. The problem became that every 2 months or so he would suddenly become kind of detached/distant, start picking fights, and come up with some sort of "issue" he had with me and use it as a reason to stop talking to me or take a step back. Aside from one time, I respected this, but a few days or weeks later he would start contacting me again, and then we would pick things up right where we left off! Unfortunately, every time this happened I became more and more insecure. I know that he has issues from a very rough and traumatic childhood, but I could never tell how much of his behavior was a result of that and something I should try to be understanding of. I became so insecure that I began to analyze his friendships with ex-girlfriends. He would freely go out on "dates" with other girls during times when we weren't talking (which to me seems like simply a distraction, but it made me insecure about these "friendships" nonetheless). He's told me that he was afraid of growing closer because he had been planning on moving away at one point, and more recently that he is just afraid in general because he sees us as potentially being together forever. Up until I ended things, he was treating me like a girlfriend, talking to me all day every day, going out of his way to do nice things for me, and becoming upset when he felt like we weren't spending enough time together, etc. He's told me that he's never felt like this, he's never been so attracted to someone, he can't imagine wanting anything more, he genuinely thinks the absolute world of me, and has spoken about a future for us. And yet, he kept wanting to spend time as "friends" to make sure we were going to work out before actually calling ourselves "dating" or "in a relationship". And meanwhile I became more and more insecure because of these occasional but consistent "breakups", and other girls that like him and think that he's fair game because he's "single". I started to think in my head, "is he stringing a bunch of girls along and I am just one of them?" "Is he the kind of guy that holds onto "back up plans"? He is also an incredibly private and occasionally very introverted person, which made it even easier for me to overthink things and become paranoid. He has had committed relationships in the past so I know he is capable. But for some reason he would not commit to dating, despite talking about WANTING to be my boyfriend. My thoughts were, well, if you love me, just agree to give me an honest try, instead of making me more and more resentful and insecure, which will only cause problems. Eventually I had to tell him this. He told me that he isn't able to give me commitment right now. And we left it there. So now we are not speaking. Did I do the right thing? Part of me is glad that I finally got out of this cycle. Another part of me feels that I've ruined everything and if only I had tried harder to understand, or been more patient, I wouldn't have lost this guy who is very special and dear to me.
Don't second guess yourself, Rianna. You knew you couldn't do this anymore, that you were done living the every 2-months distant part of the relationship no matter how good the rest of it was. That's why you ended it. You knew the truth. But now, without him, everything seems wonderful back where you were. Because at least then, you had someone, at least there was him. Or at least that's why we try to tell ourselves, but you do know the truth about that, too. These were his terms, what he was comfortable with, what worked for him. You tried, but found out you were only fooling yourself about what you could live with and what you couldn't. You're free now. Go find the life you want. Start running in the direction of your dreams. Watch who you allow in your life. You're doing the choosing, not the other way around. There's a part of you that knows this, too. And it's why she's always looking out for you.
Hi Jane,
As I was reading through all of the stories; some painful, others confused, and some angry or lost, I began to think about how each of us walk a lifetime journey inviting love, light, happiness, peace, and commitment into our personal realms. How we choose to walk everyday along this path is a choice each of us has the power to control. These people we allow to hold our hearts hostage too are also fumbling along on their paths just as much as we are. None of us can get through this life unscathed. This is part of the mystery of the human experience. Each one of us is on a learning curve of life. Some people choose darkness as their experience, some people invite sorrow or emotional pain into their journey, and still others walk through their journey with blinders on so thick that falling down and never learning becomes a regular part of their lives.
Each one of us is gifted with a destiny, and learning to love one another, forgive people who trespass against us, strive to give generously of ourselves, and hold ourselves accountable for our choices is the main lessons we need to learn. There are no sign posts or life manuals on our individual paths, and when we fumble along looking for love that isn't there, or settling for love on their terms, or not recognizing unavailable persona's, we enable these people the ability to drain our precious energies. Instead of giving away our love to aide them on their journey, we should have instead fumbled right past their potholes. If we ask ourselves what we should be doing to invite the right kind of love to walk along with us on our paths we should slow down and actively see the yellow/red flags of danger. There are always danger flags no matter how much you don't think you see them staring you in the face. If you learn to listen for the unspoken words or weird nuances your body is sending you, and you allow the knowing intuition within your psyche to guide your heart toward truth, you will be in-tune to the falsehood of someone else. However, if you fail to question yourself about the doubt you feel, then you will be deviated by hurt until you finally understand how to invite the correct romantic partner onto your path.
There are so many people doing wonderful things in this world, and each of us is tasked in this lifetime to seek out the good, forgive the evil and hurt, and fully participate in the healing of our wounded lives..
There is a quote by Ita Ford, Maryknoll Sister who was murdered in El Salvador for trying to give hope to people that goes like this...
"If you choose to enter into other people's suffering, or love others, you at least have to consent in some way to the possible consequences."
I believe she has captured the essence of our struggles. If we choose to ignore the subtle signs, and there are always signs, then we will consent to the consequences of pain unless we accept the power we were gifted with to make the positive and necessary changes in our lives to continue to move along on our journey of life looking for the person who will love us as we love them. Once we find this person through healthy dialogue within ourselves, and we invite them into our heart, we will begin to unfold our happiness into the wonderful world of true partnership, commitment, and a sustainable lifetime of love.
Beautifully said, Learning Along the Way. Thank you for adding this inspiring contribution to the conversation. "These people we allow to hold our hearts hostage too are also fumbling along on their paths just as much as we are." Absolutely. And when we understand this, we don't feel so much the victim, we can wish them well and move on, we can learn from the experience and not need to take everything so personally. But getting there - and understanding this on a practical level within ourselves is such a personal, individual part of our journey. It sounds like you've figured this out through your own firsthand experienced, from being open to learning along the way. That's beautiful to see in action. And where I hope we can all eventually get to in our own time and way.
Thank you Jane,
this article really helped me to understand there's nothing wrong with me. I never wanted to give up because I know he is a good guy who deserves someone to love him. But now I know it's time to move on, get over him and let him live his life without me...I cannot wait anymore.
So glad, Em. Contrary to what being with someone who can't commit to us often leads us to believe, there's never anything wrong with you! Be so proud of yourself for seeing this for yourself. You deserve someone who is capable of loving you, too.
Hi Jane
I can't beleive many of the submissions here on how badly woman are letting men treat them. Putting up with men sleeping with other woman. Not calling. Woman always being the one to intiate and chase. No wonder men have become lazy and don't want to commit too many woman making it too easy for them.
It's called having strong boundaries and as soon as a man stops respecting a woman it's time for a woman to go cold turkey. No contact is always the best. If a man is interested he always calls. Even when you tell them not to they still call.
So true, Gab, but it's different for each of us as to when we can come to see that for ourselves. Most of us struggle with boundaries and for good reason if we haven't had anyone model healthy boundary setting for us or worse, if we weren't brought up to believe we even had a right to set boundaries at all. For some of us, we are so understanding, so forgiving that when you combine that with our programming that has us believing that it's our role to "make" someone want us, it's amazing what we'll put up with in the name of what we call love.
Hello to everyone,
I would like to start by saying that all the comments including this article are very interesting, lot of sharing and answers,even heartbreaking sometimes.
The very first comment from a guy point of view was very well detailed and explained. I do believe that I'm confronted to someone who is scared of commitment, and I'm suspecting him that's how I found this place.
Dated twice, was very intense, long conversations, blushing, shy smile he would give me, share compliments , very lovely. During the first date he already stated that he is busy and don't really text, that triggered my intention since I already have a whole data in my brain that i collected called "excuses".I was just hoping and told myself.. I'll see if that's the case.
Second date was a week after the first one, went even better.
But now he suddenly changed in some ways. He would at least text me a bit the first weeks , ask mr questions and answer my texts, which i dont really send btw. I purposely let him lead to see his pace and see if he would actually text and maintain some communication. Since the last date, he did one week without text or talking and vanished. This week just to see if he is acting weird , i texted and the convo doesnt last 4minutes since he vanish during the convo. I've already dealed with vanishing type of guy but i truly feel is unfortunate.
The first comment was implying women being pushy or putting pressure , she it can be true but i think that most of the time that's a girl tryinf to find out and " make things work" and being worry that she will lose him or that she is not no longer interesting which I'm not sure it is the case.
There's a lack of communication from a lot of man who are just willing to keep quiet, knowing deep down that they are scared sometimes. Instead of letting us know, they start vanishing or adopting other type of behavior which hurt the other person. The other thing is, if a man would like to commit and take his time, why the suddent change of pace? This is really confusing , lack of stability. In my case he knew from the beggining that im a serious girl and I'm more into serious relationships. He didn't hesitate to kiss me or hangout but now i can't take the risk to be mistreated or wait on someone who's unsure or scared and who's hidding his thoughts and prefers to vanish.
Lot of us will actually understand and recognize a man who tells us the truth and doesn't wait for us to come and ask what's wrong , to then be told that we are being pushy or putting pressure. I feel It's unfair in someway.
I've been through a lot like most of you , so I'm making sure I'm not owning his choices and hesitant behavior, i know myself very well and know that i didn't create any of his vanishing issues. The problem doesn't come from me as I'm constant and know what i want. I already understood long time ago that love also take risks, and i shouldn't be scared of it, and i never really start something with people I'm "halfly"interested in so i have no problem committing. I have a problem with people starting something like they are trying to commit but then radically change.
Meanwhile , I'm exploring other horizons haha:) quite frankly I'm not going to pressure him, and I'll finish by be emotionally unavailable for him pretty soon, and im sure he doesn't pretty care which im okay in some way. I just think that if it fails with him , well there's othee people on earth and i believe in good karma, i always treat people's heart and feelings very carefully as i know how it feels to be hurt.
I love you all people have a great day!
Thank you for adding to the conversation, Kehza. Remember that you can never be too much or not enough for someone who's truly right for you. That's exactly how you'll know!
Dear Jane,
You don’t know me. But when I first read this article, I cried like a baby, as if you were there witnessing the 2 and half years relationship I had with the man I loved deeply. Tears are still running down as I’m writing this.
He was everything I could ever ask for. He was kind, smart, loving, caring and all, and a very very nice guy overall. He came from a nice family and he was close to his dad and his brother as well as his family. His dad still sends flowers to the church where he and his wife (my ex’s mum) got married, every year on her birthday years after she passed away to cancer. His brother is happily married for years and with two beautiful daughters. I’ve met them all. It never occurred to me that a man coming from such background would have major commitment issues. We became a couple shortly after we started dating, and since then every day was the best day ever. He made no comment of where the relationship was going after he turned 30 and after we celebrated our 2 years anniversary, despite me dropping hints several times. So I initiated the “where is this going” talk, and he just said he would think about it. A few months later, he suggested that we should move in together. Unfortunately, I’m from a rather conservative family and my parents would be very disappointed and ashamed if I moved in with a guy without an engagement ring. I explained it and he said he understood. Several months later, he came up with an “idea” of parking some clothes at mine so he could spend week days at mine while we were spending most weekends at his, effectively “living together without moving in”. This was hardly a solution. We then had some serious discussions, twice, and he kept saying he loved me but he just wasn’t ready to propose, let alone marriage. He said moving in would be a major step forward for him and he wouldn’t know how to move forward without it. I know a business associate who was with his girlfriend for 10 YEARS until she finally called it a quit. I would not want that at all. And then the conversation got to the point where I couldn’t back down from what I asked for. I was desperately hoping we were going to make it, but we didn’t. We broke it. I cried, so did he. But we went separate ways. All the happiness ended abruptly. This was last week. I know the wound is still fresh. While part of me keeps telling myself “if he hasn't come around, he probably never will”, part of me keeps wondering whether there is a middle ground where I could meet him as a step stone before he is ready for marriage.
I thank every one of you who has had the patient to read this, and I would appreciate anyone's thoughts. Thank you!
Hi, I understand that this article is geared towards girls who are finding this problem in the men that they are dating. But I was hopping if you have any suggestions for a girl who has commitment issues. I have had commitment problems for as long as I can remember, but these issues where never interfering with my relationships because i wasn't in need of anything romantic so i never had to worry about that. But during high school when i got my first kiss, it wasn't anything planned or romantic like all my other friends, hell i barely even knew his name. We met in a summer camp but i only saw him twice and the second time is when i hooked up with him. I had given him my cell phone number before anything happened but after the kiss when he asked me to go out with him i made a quick excuse and avoided him as much as I could. But this wasn't just my first kiss many other men who I have hooked up with have always asked me out and I always hated it, it gave me this feeling of hopelessness and dread. The few guys who I actually ended up going out with i couldn't do more than a couple dates without suddenly feeling uncomfortable and finding a way to leave the relationship.
This has been terrible for me recently, I have met so many great men who are kind and are going to do well in life but i can not get myself into a relationship with them. It makes me feel terrible because I end up feeling like the jock/player in all romantic movies. The one who leaves before the other ever wakes up and the one who doesn't call back. I feel terrible thinking this way but i get such a terrible feeling when ever the guy starts to move to fast, and by that i don't mean so much touching and flirting but more on the lets hang out part.
The worst is that I understand where this is all coming from, throughout my years growing up i never had a friend for more than 2 years, sometimes because I moved and others simply because they found someone new, i have had many great friends who completely broke my heart, boys and girls. My dad traveled constantly and i saw him around once a week. I see how this embedded itself into me now, but i just don't know how to let go of the past. During high school and still today i developed this amazing skill of making friends. I was always quick to make friendships which where shallow and quick because I never expected it to last long. I cant even live in one place for very long! I based my career on the flexibility of me being able to move to new places and to travel constantly.
I just don't know what to do... I am so scared... I want to live a happy life and get married and have children... But I just can't stop running away from people when they start to care for me... The people who cared for me always left. I don't want to be like this... Do you know any way that I could improve? Please tell me if you know any way to help, i am desperate.
Thank you,
Angela <3
Hi
I have posted my problem in some different website like this, but no or talk to me. Hope some one talk to me here.
I have been dating a good guy for slmost 10month. I'm 35. We had very good time, everything looks normal and we gradually has been growing up in the relationship and become closer. I introduces him to my family. He did the same. His parents were really close to each other and very nice and warm to me. On the fist date we both noticed that we want to date real person to be settle down and have kids and family . That's why I let my heart to grow up with him. After 10 month one night I shared with him that something has been bothering me. " you never express ur feeling, I'm kind of lost", he said I don't know and become nervous . He said I'm afraid .,,,
He hug me and kiss me and start crying ! That was very hard and sad. I told him do u need ur space because it seems like we are not in the same page. He said " yes, I should fix myself. I don't know why I'm not ready. " . Then hug, cry, and done
This is a broke up ? He 's gone for ever?
Few days after that space time , I texted him that I'm sorry I didn't want to scared you. I just wanted to share my feeling with you in the honest way. He. Texted me back don't be sorry , u have very right to bring it up.,,,,
Then no communication.
So , I have to let it go and forget about him and my memory ???? Right?
Please talk to me
Thank you
As painful as it is to accept, Commitment, you called it. You saw it and knew the truth in your heart. You both weren't on the same page. He confirmed this when he agreed with you. "yes, I should fix myself. I don't know why I'm not ready. " He confirmed that it's him, not you.You didn't do anything wrong. That's why he told you not to be sorry, that you have every right to bring it up. Because he knows you deserve better, and he knows he can't give it to you. And he knows it's him and not you. Now you are free to be with someone who is on your same page. It's the only way you want to be with someone.
Good day Miss Jane.
I've read some of your articles and will still be reading the ones I haven't read. Your site has grabbed my whole attention. I've searched through google about the signs when to let go. My purpose of writing this message is that I want to hear your advice about my situation. Here it is:
I have a boyfriend now, his name is Rain. We're still over a month in a relationship. Let me start from the very beginning.
Last year, I first met him in my previous work. The first time we were together, he's been showing me something special. There are some other girls in our group but he more closer to me. He treats me special, he go out of work together. As a woman, I know what he feels. The way he texts me, the way he act when we're together is extraordinary. But the problem is I have a boyfriend that time. Even though I felt something, I tried to avoid. After a few days, he left the company because he's not satisfied with the management. After that, we still communicate sometimes and still seeing each other very often. When I got sick I was forced to leave the company too, and return to me hometown.
We lost communication. When I returned from my hometown to find another job, we met again because he invited me for a seminar. He's still the same. He still treats me special. But I found out he has a girlfriend already because I overheard it from someone. He didn't know I knew and I didn't told him because I wasn't sure.
After about 4 months, we saw each other accidentally. We didn't expect and we were surprised. That time, my boyfriend and I was already complicated. When we saw each other we exchanged numbers because we lost contact. Since then, we see each other very often. We go to work together because we have the same schedule. The building he's working from is just near from mine. That time, I was really decided I have to break up with my boyfriend.
Rain didn't told me about her girlfriend. Until one day I asked him and he confirmed. I was so hurt. I feel betrayed. He should have told me from the start. But he told me his relationship with her is already complicated before he saw me again. He told me he tried to broke up with her bu the girl didn't let him.
I was so hurt to know the truth that I told him to that will stop seeing each other. But he's not willing to let me go. He wants me to give him time, and he will give me time also to finish my thing with my boyfriend.
After a week, we finally broke up with each other's relationship. We're both single and decide to pursue that special something we have. He was the perfect man for me. He's so romantic. He's very intimate, affectionate even front of many people. His words are so sweet. He makes plans with the future with me. I can really say that he's into me. I've met his family already but it's not yet clear to his family what's the status of our relationship. I also met his friends, co-workers. And for that, it was an assurance.
But his past still haunts me. He still has messages from his ex saved in his inbox but deleted it once I told him it hurts me. But he still has her contact number saved in his contact list, with their endearment. And also their pictures on his phone. I didn't question him that. They were like living together before already because the girl often stayed in their house for days, and still has things from his room, as he told me. I always feel he's not ready to let go of the girl.
It also confuses me when I saw him being friends with girls. I am not used to it yet. Especially when I saw a conversation between him and a female 'friend'. He told the girl he misses her and he loves her which is unusual. And the fact that we're already in a relationship when he told the girl that expressions. For the first time in my life, I cried in front of a man. I can't take the pain.
I also noticed some changes. I think he's the the boy I used to know before. He doesn't text me as much and finds reasons why he couldn't text always. His message is shorter than usual. We don't have endearments. We don't have have monthsary. All these are important to me. He sees me often now that he used to see me. WE don't go out often together now. He's not telling me every detail of his daily activities.
There was one time, I waited for him to go out of the building because I want to go home with him. A texted him a couple of times. And then he called me that he's on his way. He told me he forgot to text me. I can't accept the fact that he forgot to text me which is unusual. He waited for me, then I saw a girl. He introduced me to her. I was so hurt because I was waiting for him but he forgot to text or even glance at his phone to see if I texted. And it hurts me that he's with a girl. I feel so frustrated but I can't tell him.
I'm so confused miss Jane. I tried many times to tell him that I want this to stop because I'm so tired. I always overthink. But he doesn't want it to stop. I always give him a chance but I can't see he's doing something to make things better. Everytime I tell myself I will cut all the communication, I hold on when I hear his reasons which eventually I think is not reasonable enough. He say's he's busy at work. But told me he will make it up to me. I don't know if I can take it anymore.
What do you think Miss Jane? Should I give him a chance? I'd appreciate your response. Thank you.
I am glad I found this thread. I left my marriage in June 2012 and by August began dating a man I knew from work so We tried to keep it hidden. He was committed to just me and told me he loved me months later. I wasn't sure if I was ready for that but shortly thereafter, I realized I was. We both have children so we'd only seen each other once a week. Once I moved closer to him in Aug 2013, we saw each other about 3-4 times a week. He got to know my kids and my family. In March 2014, he brought one of his children over to meet us. I could see how anxious he was about it and introduced me as his friend. A few weeks later, he said the closer we get its bad. He decided to end our relationship. Fast forward through my begging and pleading to June and on father's day began to see each other infrequently. Once every 10-20, days or so. The passion continues. Problem is he told me he is being selfish and can not give me what I need in a relationship right now and that I should see other people (I did go on a few dates). He actually saw someone else a couple of times as well and was physical with her once. He is in therapy for his anxiety and commitment fears. In August, I found out I have high risk hpv. We have continued our physical relationship so he has it as well. He continues to see me when I ask to or I text him, etc and he says he is not seeing anyone else. The problem is I do not want to pass hpv to anyone else and I know he is not who I need him to be now or possibly ever. I still love him with all my heart but he can not even tell me how he feels about me and will not contact me unless I get in touch with him. We no longer work together so I do not see him unless I chase him. I am tired of chasing him, I want him to chase me. But he never refuses to see me and he continues to share what he is doing and with whom, and says he still wants me in his life. Do I wait, just be alone? I will not be with anyone else knowing I could pass on hpv. I am in my 40's as is he. I just don't know if he will ever be ready to move forward in a relationship with me. Maybe he is waiting for an all clear on the hpv before he moves on to someone New! Or maybe he is still seeing someone else but lying to me. Any thoughts/insights would be helpful.
Thanks so much on clearing that things, I was always wondering about this topic and I knew in deep down what's happening but needed from someone to explain more about commiting. Ironicaly I was that before and it's all true, and now I am attached to similar person I was before.
I'm so glad this resonated with you, Rickyzg. You're so welcome.
None of us are ever going to meet a good man if we kelp letting men come in and out if our lives like revolving doors. If every woman a guy met demanded respect and cut him out of her life when he started to play the disappearing game, they couldn't keep doing this to us! Stop accepting crumbs! Get a spine. I'm so tired of dumping man after man after man for not calling, but I know he only does this to me because he's been trained that it works by other women.
That is true. I agree that we need to take responsibility for our part in the story. I do however believe that we continuously need to check in with ourselves because we attract people into our reality. So if we are constantly following our true feelings and adjusting our beliefs to make them beneficial to our kind selves, our lives are bound to improve in all aspects. We cannot control how others act, feel or think. Other women come to their own realizations in their own time. We cannot blame what happens in our lives on someone else. I have many lovely friends who, just like me, have allowed themselves to be mistreated because of their own beliefs and programming. I too have fallen for that. I see things differently now, and even though I so much would like my friends to see this that I now see, I need to understand that they have to come to that point on their own. I want to respect their journey and rheir present feelings and ideas, even if they seem "wrong" from where I am sitting. I am so glad we can share so much on this site. Love to read what other wonderful women like you and me have to say. I have benefited so much from everyone's comments here. Amazing.
Well I'm in a similar situation. There is this guy I knew in high school and had a huge crush on. We've talked here and there in the last few years but nothing special. A few weeks ago we started talking again but this time we both started flirting. I was going to a college football game with friends and decided to ask him to come along. He said yes. So we had a great time, he met my friends, we went out to eat afterwards. Then before the night was over we had some alone time and talked about our viewpoints on things and how we felt. He made the move and kissed me. So the night went well. Really well. 3 days later, I decide to surprise him and brought him lunch to his college. He's always been a friend d in the past so it didn't seem too awkward. He was surprised and happy to see me. We both said we missed each other. We went to my aunts house nearby to eat and he met my cousins and aunt. Nothing too big. And he enjoyed meeting them. After a while we went to a park and talked and laughed and of course kissed, held hands, ect. But I had to leave to go to work. Well last night he said he's afraid of commitment. And that he's been single for so long he's trying to get his mind out of being used to that. He says he feels.those emotions of wanting me and being happy and flirty, but it scares him and makes him want to back away. We both like each other. He says he wants to take things slow and I'm fine with that. But I'm not sure I know how to do that. This is very confusing to me on what to do.
Well...quite frankly...i strongly believe that all woman deserve someone who would love.care and most importantly value
Hi ..my situation is exactly like ur girl.....
Finally broke up today 🙁
I really luv him alot ..can't get over it ..itz really heartbreaking ....
And I feel like that's what I have to do right now, and moving away to pursue school will help me I'm doing this. He has 8 out of 10 good qualities you listed in your other blog. He is just afraid of commitment and I feel like I have been doing the wrong thing as to push a relationship on him when he is not ready for one. I feel this time away could help us grow closer. He did straight out tell me, give me time. And that I will have to do. In the mean time, yes I do need to love and accept myself. Thank you Jane
Jane, or anybody. I am only 23 and I really haven't dated anyone really, or officially I guess you can say. But what does it mean to let him go, does that mean completely out of my life no contact no texting, calling, be friends? Can you let go but still talk to him is what I guess I am saying.
I am moving away soon so I will not be able to be around him.
Define letting go....
It's a mindset, Dee, where you let someone be who they are while allowing yourself to be who you are. It can mean different things to different people and the actions we decide to take as a result of this mindset will look different for everyone. For some, it's no contact, no texting, calling or having anything to do with someone who they've decided to let go of. For others, it's enough to let go in their mind. There's some prior posts I wrote about letting go and the dance of letting go that you may find helpful as well. It sounds like you're at a crossroads. When you're not sure what to do, you can't go wrong with choosing you, with doing what brings you the most peace and happiness and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. Sometimes you don't have to do anything except love and accept yourself for being right where you are.
So what happens when they commit but not fully... I have been with my husband... yep, that's husband for 5 years, married for three and a half. Our relationship is happy, he is faithful, loving, etc. However, he had never proposed or muttered those "I want to be with you forever" words each woman expects to hear. Our marriage happened because of our circumstances, we were in love, I wasn't pregnant or anything, it just happened as a decision not as a declaration of love. Now 5 years in, I still crave those words, a man on one knee declaring his love for me, asking me to be with him forever... When I speak of it, he says "you know I love you... I'm just not sure if I see a future with you like that...." 5 years of living together. Were are now in our thirties, I'm hoping to be a mom someday... soon, but how can't I even move past the point that he doubts we have a future. I'm a wife to him in full meaning of the word, I'm there to love and support him through life whatever may come our way, but he says that he imagined me being different, changing for him, taking on every one of his interests, etc. and I haven't done so and since this is not how he imagined it would be, even though we are otherwise happy - he would not be able to mutter those words as if I'll never be the girl he created in his head, I'll never be good enough. I love him - fully and truly - but this is like having a knife permanently stuck in my heart... knowing that all other people have this magical moment, and I may never have it with him. I do not doubt for a second he loves me, but that kind of love is very unfamiliar to me. Any advice..?
I need your help guys. The guy I've been dating is afraid of commitment and 28. We've been seeing each other for 2 1/2 years and he can't seem to put a title to our relationship. I'm around his family and they know me as his "friend." We were boyfriend and girlfriend for 3 months..he broke up with me...then we started "going out again." When brought up, he feels like I'm pressuring him. I don't know what to do anymore. I really love him, but I don't know what to do or say for him to not be afraid. I'm getting tired of feeling like the friend with benefits who does all the girlfriend duties..help me guys!
Very confused soul here. Was with my ex bf for almost 4 yrs and broke up w me in apr. Our relationship became too much of a commitment for him. He's not in a good place in his life right now and feels bad that he can't give me every thing I deserve. We do love each other very much.. We've been seeing each other regularly since the break up and always reassures me that he didn't break up w me to date other people because I'm the one he loves and hopes to still be together when the time is right. .... now what the heck am I supposed to do? It's killing me... he doesn't want me to move nor let me go... and I'm having a hard time figuring out what I truly want to do :/ is he just stringing me along because he's scared to let me go himself? Am I wasting my time? Is it the title that makes a difference for him? Does he just want to have his cake n eat it, too? Help, I'm very flustered <\3
Same for me. Together 3 years. Lived together for 1 year after I moved cities to live with him. I thought we had a great relationship and were so compatible. From the start of our relationship, I knew he wanted to go travelling so supported him with this and helped him with the arrangements. Plan was to stay together during this time. Just before he left stated he needed to do this on his own but afterwards would see where we both were. He wanted to place or relationship in the grey area and 'just see'. He went travelling and like a fool I stayed in contact with him, thinking that if I supported him and was there for him he'd realise my worth and the beautiful relationship we had, and even helped him a lot. He came back in December and we were on/off. I thought we were getting back in a relationship and yesterday he texted me to say he couldn't do this anymore. I've unfriended him in fb, changed my Netflix account and deleted him from my phone. I've suddenly realised how much time I've wasted over a man who is afraid of commitment. If he wanted me, he would never have let me go. If he loved me, he would never have treated me like this. I would never dream if acting this way to him. I'm going to try and move on now. It won't be easy but it's for the best. Love and peace to all who are going through similar!! Ladies, if he's not sure... You be sure for you. Don't wait around thinking he'll change his mind. Go out and find an emotionally mature man who will treat you right. Don't settle for anything less than you deserve. By letting him treat you like dirt, he'll start to think it's okay to do that. It's not. It's never okay. You are gorgeous, amazing and unique. If he can't see that then find someone who will... Learn from my mistake!!!
Two months ago, I cut off a guy I was ridiculously in love with. He couldn't/didn't want to commit. His previous break up really messed him up (3 months ago when we started). He has depressions and other issues. We started with no strings attached. My mistake I agreed, because I knew right away I was in love with him (we were friends before that). Out of the blue, he asked if we could consider ourselves dating - everything seemed perfect. Then, for a second, I flinched and said I couldn't do "casual dating" as in "seeing several people simultaneously" and I'm not a fling person. He seemed pretty shocked and said that was never what he intended and that conversation seemed to end very warm, optimistic, caring and positive.
And then it all spiralled down from there. All of a sudden the messages became fewer. He was busy. Having a hard time at the job. Physical contact went down, too. He didn't meet for over a week - and he basically lives around the corner. I got very anxious cause I really, really liked him and didn't want it all to go to hell, so I went over one night and just asked if my worrying about our situation put him off or scared him away. He seemed very taken aback, but then said that he'd been thinking, too and that he realized he's not as over things as he thought, not ready for a relationship but we could still meet and see where it goes. I didn't wanna pressure him further so I agreed and only said that should he change his mind, it would just be good to let me know.
The following three weeks were just ridiculous. Occasional messages here, stating he's busy, asking if we wanna meet up some time but setting no definite date, some comments here, a little chit-chat there - but nothing more. And because hope dies last when you're in love, I thought that maybe he really needed his space. Maybe he really was going through a rough patch with his issues and everything else, so I didn't insist. While completely breaking down on the inside. My friends really had a hard job during these weeks (and still have it until today sometimes).
Then we met for lunch in town again - and he acted as if nothing had ever happened. As if we'd always just been the bestest of friends and there were no issues, as if the last two months had never existed. After this meeting I went home very bewildered, frustrated and hurt. He *knew* how much I liked him. He *knew* I missed him (a nightly text message... of course unanswered). He *knew* he had let things in the open. So once again, I went over that night and told him visibly hurt but calmly that I understand that sometimes emotions changed or aren't what we wanted/expected them to be, but that it would be nice to at least be clearly informed if that was the case since otherwise, the other person spends their days and nights hoping, only to come to the conclusion that apparently they aren't worth the breath it takes to form the sentence "I'm sorry, but I don't think this is working". He only said he understood, that it had been a hard time for him emotionally (his wall was plastered with party pictures and mutual friends reported about their extensive hangouts with him...), that he knew he didn't treat me well, that he was sorry, that he shed quite some tears over this (hah, well guess what I did...), that he was glad I had come to clear the air (that would have been his job, dammit!) and if we could be friends because he really thought I was a fantastic person.
No, we couldn't. Or at least I couldn't. Because why would, how could you be friends with someone who's not just not romantically interested in you, but drops you as a person by not at least having the decency or guts or both to give you some parting words? I know that when you're just not feeling it, there's nothing you can do, I know that such conversations are daunting from the dumper's side, too - but really? Is it so hard to show that other person at least some respect, thereby letting them know that although they do not love you romantically, they at least appreciate you as a person?
That was two months ago. Since then I more or less cut him off, deleted him on social media, etc. Twice I gave in and texted him, once he replied, then he didn't. Nothing of substance anyway. One more "favourite" on social media and then that was it. A few days ago a friend told me he's now officially with someone else. So much for not being ready, and being old school and "always wanting to take it slow"... As I said, sometimes we just can't help it when we're not attracted to someone as much as we cherish this person, but I feel somewhat betrayed and lied to nevertheless. Not to speak of my self-esteem being in the toilet because even if his reasons back then were genuine, with him now being in something more serious with someone new, I just can't help the feeling that he actually was ready, but just didn't consider me "good enough", yes, maybe because I threw myself at him unconditionally, because I thought if I just closed my eyes, wished upon a star and prayed real tight it would all turn out well because after all, everyone assured me he's a little messed up, but really a decent human being. Turns out that's not enough.
I don't begrudge him, I partly even understand why he did what he did (although I still think it was cowardly), but the feeling of just being replaced for something "better" and having invested a serious load of attention, caring and empathy that ultimately was taken for granted now just leaves me hurt and very confused. As things are right now, I'm seriously considering not getting involved with anyone for an extended amount of time, simply because I don't know how to cope with this. It must seem horribly melodramatic but when he started pulling away and being increasingly stand-offish, I seriously had some terrifying and stupid thoughts, and it is only thanks to my wonderful friends that I didn't go through with it. Not because I wanted attention, not because I wanted to make anyone feel guilty (I know the other end of the stick, too, so I know how horrible and unfair that emotional blackmailing is), but because I seriously thought I just couldn't take it anymore.
Well, I suppose there's no conclusion. Just another story.
I hear you, girl. I've been there, and it's the absolute worst - there's nothing that can bring you so low as the newly-found indifference of someone you deeply, desperately cared about.
But you did the right thing - cut him off. I wish I'd done that with the man that broke my heart. As women we're told not to rock the boat, not to demand, not to insist - basically, to lie back and take it, lest you spook the fragile male. It's nonsense and it's not the way love works. If cutting him off is the only way to take the power back, so be it.
Iam going through the same thing. I don't want to let go, hoping that he will eventually have a change of heart and show me the love that I have shown him. I do fear that he will move on with someone when I have invested so much of my time and energy in this relationship. he don't want to commit but he don't want me to commit to someone else. I want to be with him but I feel like I'm wasting my time and should move forward but my heart won't let me. What a person to do in a situation like this?
Few days ago, I made a tough decision to leave the man that I love. We have been dating for less than a year. The first few months felt really blissful because he is everything I ever wanted. He used to be so consistent, someone who takes initiative, responsible and he used to love and care for me. But he changed. Over the past few months, he started to 'disappear'. He would rather spend time at home sleeping, going out with friends than meeting me. His texts became very rare and he don't just don't seem interested anymore. I was afraid of losing him. I knew what is going on, I knew something was wrong, but I'm too afraid to confront the truth. I kept dragging it because the thought of leaving him is too excruciating. I kept thinking that it might be because I'm not good enough, so I tried. I put in a lot of effort to be someone he wants me to be. I tried and I tried, but the more I try, the further he seems to be away. He rarely meet. So one day, after three weeks of not meeting, I finally met him. On our meet ups, he don't bother to look at me while talking. He is just uninterested. So I asked for a breakup. Nobody will ever know how much courage I need and how much pain and heartache it brings me to leave the man I love so much. But I realised, I am only in love with our once blissful memories, I'm in love with our memory more than the person infront of me. The man who used to make me feel so loved, became a stranger. After I initiated a breakup, he told me that he is also planning to breakup with me, but just hasn't had the courage to do so, he said he is lazy to commit and he feels that our relationship is becoming a burden to him. It hurts me a lot to hear that I have became a burden to the man I love without myself knowing. And all along I still thought of constantly putting in effort to fulfill my part to make him happy. I'm just too stupid. Now, I just want to move on. But I still love him, as I always do.
Don't feel bad about yourself. It is not you. This is classic commitment phobia (AKA AVOIDANT ATTACHMENT ) behavior.
They all feel like commitment is a burden. It is not you. It could have been Cindy Crawford.
Really. Truly.
Look up and learn about at the avoidant attachment style and attachment theory in general.
It will give you all your answers.
Well my boyfriend of 6.5 years I'm 25 and he's 28. Thought we
We're finally going to settle down and make a life of our own,
We became god parents of our beautiful niece, we had about 6 weeks of planned
Holiday time together. Then boom with no reason he left me. No reason at all.
Struggling everyday trying to deal with this I couldn't without closure,
To know why, he made all these othe random other excuses
That didn't make any sense what so ever, yesterday I decided to contact him
To find out the truth so I can move on with my life. He finally said, he was scared
Of commitment !!!!!!!
And now you know, Hope. You know it isn't you, it isn't anything you can change, it's about him. It's always this way, but when we hear it from someone themselves, it becomes that much more real. It sounds like this all became all too real for him, and that's his own issue to work on - but only if he wants to. Keep your dreams, but save them for someone who is on your page, who wants what you want with you, and isn't afraid to make the kind of commitment that makes everything more real - and more wonderful at the same time!
We have been seeing each other for a year. We've were exclusive in 2.5 months. I told him off the bat, Im not looking for marriage, I don't want anything from you but companionship n it grew into love for both of us. Month 9 together he leaves for work out of town. I house and pet sit for him. Note *I have my own home, pets* to take care of in another city 40 min. From his house n work that far 4 days week too. Lucky my 20 something yr. Old daughter can take care of our pets while I do the trek each day. Because I must stay the nights as well. I did this because I care for him a lot ok love him. Then it all went south real quick. While he was gone I could do nothing right for him at his home, for his pets, he was constantly disappointed in me. I did nothing wrong. He was unhappy with his work situation. I felt him distancing himself from me. Talks were less and less and yet he was more critical at the same time. When he did talk to me, it seemed like he was all talked out. The emotional intimacy was gone. I felt he was talking regularly to someone else or multiple women. He still is friends with some ex gf's which he texts n talks to regularly once or twice a week. I never had a problem with it until. He stopped giving me the attention he once did. And treated me as if I were the annoying ex's he carries on with always. I talked to him about his change in Baxter n mood. But he says he didn't notice. I have said nicely, meaning, fed up, and disgustedly. Tell ur gf's not to call I'm with you (ie: the weekend, implying this is my time)
Then the...phone went on silent mode, vibration, turn phone upside when he's with me. He further, pulled away from me very lil Spooning, didn't want me massage him as much...or at all. No couch watching movies. I swear something's up. When asked what's wrong. He won't talk about it,saying he doesn't know. This had been going on for 3-4 months. Still talking n giggling on phone with other women but not so much me. I grow more anger, sullen, feel rejected. I finally make a stand somewhat. I simply ask do these women know about me? That you have a girlfriend? Woman #1 he pauses n then days why of course. Well I call BullS**t. I take it upon myself to go directly to get n find out. Surprise! She doesn't. He lied, she shocked. They are friends just friends. But he had a total fit I contacted her. I guess I blew his cover. He swears he told her almost a yr. Ago that we were going bbq out but he didn't. I ask about woman #2 now and he said no she doesn't know about us. She calls according to him first every once in awhile, to 2-3 a week. He said she didn't need to know about you and she's not going to. He's threatened me multi x's about if im friends with #1. Im not with him. I also once contacted a event coordinator to to get an extra ticket to a certain event he originally asked me to go too but didn't buy tickets in time. His friend had a ticket for him reserved for the event but not me.. as this friend was male , but I got a reaming for that as well. Apparently, I am not allowed to associate with his friends he said. He doesn't need me calling then and messing up his friendships. He has very little friends he said. Warning warning! He's screams n yells at me whenever I bring up: please tell ur other girlfriends to stop texting im with you. I want time with you. I point blank ask him it's there someone else. He gets pissed n says I have to stop saying that or we can't be together. He's become emotionally withdrawn from me, now physically he's strange too, besides the yelling, him trying to convince me it's my own insecurities, he's doing nothing wrong, I m crazy, and I m pushing him away doing this. Am I asking to much? I think if we all can't be friends and know about each other ex gf's then he's probably doing something wrong. His reactions are too strong and he's immediately defensive. He said he loved me and I'm love him. But I'm not crazy right? Not asking for his right arm chopped off, just truth which I didn't get and acknowledgement. Credit where credit is due to me . He's been reaching to find things wrong with me to counter my very legit qualms. So far there he didn't have a good comeback. His complaint's are that I go out with my friends and sing n dance , go to bbqs and have fun to much.what's to much? I don't live with him the bf. I don't neglect him. My friends are all losers because some of them I ve known for 30+ years According to him that's just weird. I need to grow up.
He needs to treat me right, give me credit where credit is due for being his gf and not treat me like left overs. Or am I wrong? I don't think so.
You've answered your own questions here, Lorra. You know. You're not leftovers, you're not someone to hide, you're not here to argue with someone about who's telling the truth. You're here to be loved. Don't settle for anything less.
I am in a long distance relationship with a guy. He is everything I have dreamed of and well he doesn't want to commit and he doesn't want to drive the 48 hour distance to meet me where I live. What should I do? Should I leave him or what should I do?
Does everything you dreamed of include someone who doesn't want to commit and doesn't want to drive the 48 hour distance to meet you where you live? Only you know what you can live with and what you can't, Jill, but being on the same page and wanting the same thing with each other, and being willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen are three things that reveal just how compatible you really are. Without those things in common, you have to ask yourself what you really have and whether or not you share the same dream.
Yesterday, I finally decided to walk away from a guy that I love. It was a hard decision to make but it is the right decision. I have to keep my sanity and dignity intact. He disappeared for a month without a word. And just recently he told me he loves me. But I can't believe it, no matter how hard I try. It feels like I can't trust him anymore. What we had was good and I wish it lingered but wanting him more than he wants me, wondering when he'll ever call me, when he'll ever see me, or even message me is just excruciating. I know that a man who loves me truly will not let me feel this way. He used to be consistent. But people change. So, I've decided to live my life without him. If he wants to be a part of it, he knows my number and my address, he knows how to find me. But I'm not counting on it anymore.
It sounds like you're making the best decision for you, Ayn, as hard as this is. Trust yourself to know what you need; you always know deep down. "If he wants to be a part of it, he knows my number and my address, he knows how to find me." Exactly. And that's how you'll know.
A year ago I found a guy who matches me in more ways than one and we have alot of chemistry and many things in common we are friends for right now, It's wonderful to be around him however I recently found out he's exclusive and has a girlfriend but she isn't a part of his life, I told him that I love him and he took it rather well, he told me he isn't looking for a serious relationship right now and would make a bad boyfriend at this moment as he wouldn't be able to give me amount of attention he wants.
He never knew his father the guy left when he was a baby so no connection there.
He shows interest in me though and wants to get closer and get to know me more, he's been rather busy not having enough money and time to do what he wants, I did the wrong thing by chasing him so I decided I'm going to do this slow as he's been hurt very much in the past and has opened his heart several times which has been broken so I know not to rush him.
I believe he's the guy as we've only gotten closer and we even went out on a date which we enjoyed and he was very excited to do something for once with me but came back and said we we're doing it as friends, he does tend to let words slip showing that he does want something more.
He's told me he's afraid of commitment and I can see why but he is capable of it as he was in a marriage for a long time, Everyone else tells me to let him go but I will bide my time but I'm going to see about myself as well and do a little soul searching and do things I like.
So who knows maybe one day it might happen!
Sometimes the only way we learn is by going through it our chosen way, Esuterure. Only you know what you can live with and what you can't, and in the end, you only answer to yourself, not the people who think they know what's best for you. Whenever you're not sure what to do, if you follow what gives you the greatest sense of peace and happiness in your life and leaves you with the least amount of regrets, you'll know you did the best you could with what you knew at the time. The rest we so often have to learn firsthand for ourselves. I wrote a post about what you want to look for in a guy that you may find useful. Just make sure he's worthy of you!
What happened in your situation after? I am in a very very similar situation and I'm wondering if there is hope.
Thanks!
I felt under a cp trap also. I was having problems in my marriage when i met him online. Before i met him i already had plans to leave my husband and the he appears in my life. Very persistant at the binning 3 weeks after talking online he says hes in love , that we both in love with each other. I was living in my country and him here in US. 2 months after i met him online i came to US made my mind that i didnt want to continue in my marriage and his new guy and I start seeying eachh other. Very charming, loving, caring. Everything I was craving for he gave to me in a couple of days. Well after he even introduced me to his family as his girlfriend, spending everyweekend together, he one day lies to me saying we couldnt spend the next weekend together cause his teenage daughter wanted to spend it with him. I knew he was lying , my gut was telling that. I went to his house and caught with another girl. He didnt even know what to say. I was debastated, but as days went buy i forgave him. I knew at that point i have fallen in love with this man, his 53 im 39. Well as weeks went by i noticed his still talking to this girl i caughed texting her and others, i contacted the girl stupid me and of course he got mad at me. He then went on to tell me he needs space, he feels trap and doesnt feel he can have a relationship with me or any other girl. But he kept contacting me, we still saw each other not as frequent but we did. He would text me saying hi but when i replied he wont say anytjing. Like playing mind games with me. Well this past weekend he only text once and yesterday i texted him. He said his battery was low and was going to text later, today its Monday i havent heard from him since. I am tired of being the only looking for him at this point his Just basically saying its over.
Well its such good news for me to hear the mens point of view...it helps me out a lot,...
I am one of those guys who was too afraid to commit. I could not see how much I loved her and wanted her. I broke up with her several times. Got back several times. But everytime the issue of marriage would arise, I would start running away. I never wanted to lose her, but the thought of marrying and settling down, was too much to handle.
Finally, after too much blow off by me, she forced by her parents, decided to marry someone else.
She asked me several times before giving her word, that if I can change my mind.
I was determined and kept saying 'No'.
IT WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE!
TO ALL MEN OUT THERE, IT's REALLY HARD TO LET YOUR LOVE GO.
STOP FEARING.
She hasn't engaged yet, but she is not willing to change her mind. She says, 'She is confused now'.
But, I will have to get her back anyhow. I am 100% committed to it now. I will marry the day she wants me to. I will do anything to get her back. She was the best thing that happened to me. 🙂
So, women, I myself tried a lot, that this commitment fear gets over, and I give her my 100% commitment, before this happened. But nothing worked out. I always took things lightly.
I suppose, only when a man actually finds out that he has lost her babe, he realises what the blunder he has done.
So, girls, go and play an act, and make him realise, before it's too late for you and him!
Thanks for sharing your story, Ankit. I would add, however, is that it it not up to anyone to prove their worth to someone. None of us are here to convince anyone of why they should want to be with us. It's not about "making him realize" what he's missing out on, or "getting an act"; it's about getting a life, realizing you have worth without doing or being anything except your true self. You can't make anyone love you, nor do you ever want to.
You only want to be with someone who wants to be with you. And if he doesn't, as in your case, it's not because of her that you came to the realization of what you were about to lose, it was because you were finally ready to see this for yourself. Someone can choose to move on from you and find someone who is on their page, but unless you're willing to do the real work of figuring out what you need to do to conquer your own commitment fears and issues, the only thing it does is make you realize what you lost.
And always remember, Ankit, if two people are truly meant to be together, they will be. It is never too late for two people who are on the same page, who are looking for the same type of relationship with each other, and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. That's what real love is all about!
Hi ankit ...
my situation is exactly like ur girl ...
Finally broke up today ... I agreed to marry sum1 else ...as asked by my mom ...
I luv him alot ...
can't get over it ..itz really very heartbreaking ... ...
.
I was dating this guy for about 5 months but I wasnt able to get him to commit. After ending things with him I found out that he is a serial commitment phobe. He would wine and dine girls (and move at an extremely quick pace) and treat them like they're his everything for the first month but once the topic of commitment comes up he disappears and hes off to a new girl. Apparently hes been doing this his whole life. Do you think he will ever change? Its just so sad to imagine someone living their whole living bouncing from one "relationship" to the next.
It is sad, Natalia; but the most important thing you can do for yourself is to recognize that he is this way because he wants to be. It's working for him. All too often you can see someone's inability to commit as a green light for you to go ahead and try to help him, to save him, to feel sorry for him and make him your project, to the detriment of your own beautiful self. He has to want to change this. He has to want to commit. And he has to come to this on his own and be motivated to do the work he needs to do to make this happen for himself. You can't do this for him. If he's been doing this his whole life, he's obviously figured out a way to make this work for him, and it's working well, so I wouldn't get your hopes up that he's going to change anytime soon. You, on the other hand, are now free to be with someone who can commit to you!
Helo,
I think that you should never force somebody to commit.
You should meet and have fun...later on if they choose that they want to stay single well that is their choice for life...maybe for the the meaning for life it to be single....we must remember that on this planet everybody has a different meaning of life...some people want to live alone, some people want to live with other...everybody is different.
Some people get so used to being single it becomes their reality and they can't think of anything else ..same for those who are used to living with somebody.
well everybody is different...and never waste your time and worry about somebody that don't want to live with you....
Wise words, Emma; thank you. So simple when you put it this way, so difficult for so many to see until you finally discover the truth for yourself when you've tried everything else.
My non relationship partner would move in with me and then say he did not do relationships...so confusing as he acted like a husband in many ways but his words did not match up. (He had never actually had a real relationship so he is used to flying solo it is just who he is.) He told me he wanted to be my friend but then flipped the script and said he knew he had to stop saying these things. After he told me this I just cried for him as I knew he was losing me. I know how special I am . Next He asked if I was afraid of losing him and hugged me and wanted me so badly. I cried and told him No it was because I knew I was going to let him go amd was not afraid of losing him.
I am a 27 year old guy who find difficult to commit & it has nothing to do with the girl. I have noticed that women often pressurize men to commit when they not ready and that's the time when men start losing interest in their girl.
From my personal experiences and experiences of some of my friends, it takes time for a man to adjust from being single to being in a relationship & there comes a time in every man's life (every man that I know of) when he wants to move-in with a girl. Women often get insecure about the fact that men want different women in life, which is not the case most of the times. It only happens when the guy you are committed to just wants you to **** him. If a guy is spends time with you, cares about you and takes interest in your interests, then he is in love with you & putting any sort of pressure makes him think that grass is greener on the other side.
My suggestion is to go slow with the guy, introduce him with your family and friends but not all of a sudden. Make him feel like he's at home when you are with him. Be the girl you were when you met with the guy. Open up to him about your problems but dont keep on complaining all the time, remember that the guy also has some complaints but he's ready for adjustment. Tell him what you like about him & what you dont like. Take timeouts, give him some personal space and have your space as well.
After all the suggested things you have done if he's not ready to commit, just leave him & move on coz he's either a d**k OR he is just not wired to make a commitment.
This is one of the most impressive articles I have read which captures the essence of male pschology(atleast my psychology). I find these articles pretty boring but his one is a real good one.
My only difference in opinion is that people do change if you dont try to change them, the guy only changes if he's willing to change and he'll be willing only if he thinks that you make him a better person.
Thanks for your insight here, Harsh; it's always interesting to hear different male perspectives on the ever-popular subject of commitment.
I was in a long distance relationship for 5 years and engaged for 1 year and a half. From the first year he told me that i'am the one and he's serious and wants us to get married in 2 years . Then he postpone the engagement for the 3rd year because of some issues in work and we fix our wedding date and planned it for that summer than there's some problems in the country he lives in and they don't give visas for our country it's political problems so he postponed the wedding for this month and suddenly he told me he wants a break and he doesn't tell me the reason but before 1 week we knew that the visa still closed but we decide to not ruin our wedding and when we get married everything will be ok. So then he broke up with without telling me why but i knew from his friends that he doesn't want to marry me if we can't live together ! So what did u think?
Funny though how he starts with "its not the girl" and then EVERYTHING he goes onto say is instructions to how SHE can be better or different. Including, that we have to make a man think we will make him a better person. That's not what love is. Its not my job to make a man mature into the man he should or could be. We love each other for who we are. People seem so often to either use others as drugs to distract themselves from loneliness or fear or as potential transformers of who they are into someone better. They should be neither, but supporters of who we are. To love is to see someone for who they are, faults included and still show up. End of.
Amen. This sounds like the psychology of an immature man, one who believes that doing and growing and maturing is for women only. Funny how the woman is supposed to be and do everything perfectly to be loved and accepted by him... Um. No.
Exactly!
Yes really thank you Harsh. Its awesome to hear it from the mans point of view.
So I started seeing this guy I knew as a kid, he was my crush as a teen but he was an ass back then! Many years later now in our late 20's have re connected via social media , we talked on the phone for hrs and by the end of the convo he said he was inlove I'm his soul mate and were gonna marry haha I just giggled and thought meh I dunno, and we were considering becoming roomates. When we hung out he was all over me , I got attention a lot of it and tried to give back what I was getting. He had a lot of crazy and I mean crazy things going on in his life and was all over the map. He was running the idea around of him coming to live with me and become official cuz his lease was running out , he said if he didn't come to my place he'd have to live with his babyy mama .... ( His kid is 8 ) ummm WHATtttt????? I thought that was absolutely un acceptable and said he could come stay with me. But then outta the blue he stopped texting as much and changed his thinking from one day to the next. He said I was now being to much. And we stopped talking. For about a month. We hung out again and he was right back at wanting to be with me and move in again. So going against my judgement I let him , we became official and with 3 weeks of dating he told me he loved me. At the begining of the relationship I noticed he's not affectionate or very sexual at all, I had never been with a guy who was that way , if ever its usually been the opposite. I told him many times I didn't like that he made me feel unwanted or not sexy , why was he not having sex with me or trying and when I would try he's shut me down. We had sex once every two weeks or so. And he said because of his past and experiences as a child he never was very sexual or affectionate and didn't see the reason to be so. I tried to let that pass and see things his way but this was very hard. I also didn't trust him cuz his past and lies so one day he let me look through his phone, I found out he was seeing someone else the first time him and I were hanging , that devastated me, and also that he was flirt texting with his babies mama, he said we went official the first time around and also that he's forever been flirty friendly with her. I told him it had to stop and it did. In our relationship he started to stopped texting me throughout the day or kissing me good bye , those little things that make us feel special.I kinda felt more like I had a roomate then a boyfriend. I felt and he said I always complained and this is true. A few times he went to hang with a couzin or male friend and didn't come home or text , actually he never texted when out with fam or friends and I stated that I didn't like that! Then he would come home the next day appologize , says something nice to make things better, like he loves me he will work on things etc etc , but then NEVER put those things into action. I also , never met his friends or fam but he met all mine, he said he wasn't close with the fam and his friends weren't my cup of tea. And he thought my friends weren't really his cup or tea ( but I think my friends are awesome!!!) But anyways... So one day while PMSing I snapped and broke up with him and kicked him out. I was hoping he would fight to stay or something but to no surprise he didn't show any emotion. He never did tho...he was brought up to never show weakness or love. I texted him right away , ( I know better now after reading all this I should have done the NC and see what happens. ) He said he missed me and I told him the next day he could come talk to me. We made plans to do so and he was a no show! He then the following day made some excuses via text and pretty much said he was to selfish for a relationship and wasn't commited enough to work on the things and was scared of a commitment. He said I'm great but he's not great enough. He said I was the best thing to ever happen to him and his best gf ever but I he was just so scared to commit.
I broke up with him 2 weeks before my bday , I went above and beyond for his , I expected he would still wanna do something for mine. He came to hang out the night before my bday ( our first time seeing eachother after the breakup), slept over and made me breakfast , said he would come see me later that night as he worked , but then never did and didn't text me back. He texted the next morning to say "sorry babe there is no excuse for yesterday. Hope u had a nice bday xo" He came over for that weekend and we decided we would take things slow and work on things. He doesn't call me but he texts sometimes , I just want him to want me!!!!! I miss him even though he wasn't the best bf , I miss his company of being in my home and all the laughts and inside jokes we have together. I kinda want him back. I know I don't need him but right now I Want him!!! I just don't know what to do. This whole thing from beginning to end was about 6 months. And now we've been broken up for 3 1/2 weeks.
I am seeing him later this week and was thinking of having this talk with him "
I just wanna tell u how I'm feeling about some things and get ur thoughts too.
When I broke up with u I waz pmsing u hit a nerve and I just did it outta anger. Yes I was mad at u at that moment but other things were pushing me towards it to. Now after having time to think about it, I didn't handle it in the right way and I'm sorry for that.
After much deliberation and thought I have realized that I do care about u a lot and want u in my life. I know there are many things that need to be worked on in both parts in order to make things work
If ur open and upfront with me about everything always whether good or bad.....then I won't have a reason not to trust u. I wanna be really close in that sence.
Also, I think its healthy to have a day or two a week with friends or family.
The only things I think are unacceptable are that u would not come home some nights or text me to stay ur gonna be late. Just that text and respect means all the world.
And after thinking about the sexual issues. They weren't so much a big deal as I don't always wanna be having sex anyways but I just wanna make sure that indeed u are attracted to me and maybe u could give me ur thoughts on what I can do to get u in the moods sometimes so I know.
Things arnt the same around here without you and I'd like for u to move back. And us try and work together to change what needs to on both parts.
I was thinking we could even do a week long trial run and see how that goes then make our decision.
Couples have ups and down, bumps in the road and tackle a lot more then we have so far. Relationships aren't easy. And sometimes they are hard work. But a lasting relationship takes patience and the want to try. And can get threw anything. "
This is what I was planning on saying to him.
If he says he's not interested in this then I am forever done and def doing the NC!!!!
After reading all this can you plz give me ur thoughts ???
)Ou word is just a word and doesn't mean yourself. I think this is more of an excuse. You are not sure about in relationship but every men is hell sure to get laid with the girl. Why don't we ever get confused if we want to sleep with her or not? We never get confused if we want to take bath or want to go on vacation or want to play or whatever regardless of the situation in life. Why do we use an excuse of being confused? Relationship is only complicated when you make it complicated.
There is no such thing as commitment phobic. It just an excuse plain and simple. Don't you get your bum to your workplace even if you hate it as hell? You are good at keeping that commitment somehow. Its more of an issue of unresolved ownnself. It happens when you don't spend time with yourself or don't deemed yourself worthy enough to exchange thoughts with your heart. What kind of man or woman can you be who can't even understand themselves, how would they going to understand the other person?
For me, confusion about the relationship is nothing but lack of courage to do the right thing or doing some self evaluation and plain taking advantage of the other person's feelings. I have no idea in the heaven why do women tolerate such things? No tragedy or situation can make this behaviour justified. Are you not worthy? Are you coward? Are you running away from the truth? Don't have a solid character to handle it? Yes you do deserve confusion in relationships. Its not the other person but its YOU to let them do this. Take your responsibility and simply don't whine about it. This applies to both gender.
I have a friend guy that acts like he is my boyfriend. He fixes anything that is broken at my house, give me money when I need it and pays a couple of bills. When the subject comes up to commitment, he say he is not ready. I have met his family as he has met mine. We spend every holiday together. He calls me or text me everyday. He spends the night at my house and has left some of his belonging . Am I missing something, this sounds like a relationship or am I reading into more than what's there.
So considering Harsh's response and this article.... what the heck am I supposed to do when I've known my guy for 5 years and am approaching year 3 of dating and being exclusive.
I just got wonderful news about getting a full time job at an accounting firm before i've even graduated (this is my final year- yay!). The only thing is that along with my signing bonus I have to stay in this area i am not a fan of for another 2 years. I know I can leave, but I'd obviously like to keep my signing bonus if I can- so I plan on commuting.
My issue is I already know what answer I'd give to my employer, but I wanted to keep my boyfriend updated too. We have a difference in the way we show love, affection and appreciation. He's more relaxed and calm and sparse in his actions (definitely a family trait) whereas I'm more involved and passionate.
This job offer doesn't take full effect until the day after I graduate college so it's well over a year. He didn't want to give me an answer if he wanted to be a part of that.. I'm not asking for a finalized commitment like a contract. More or less if he saw us going that way- and i got a "play it safe" noncommittal answer.
Hi there! My boyfriend who is Commiment Phobic just broke up with me. At first, i just feel insecure because of his hot and cold so i did not realize he is CP. I thought he has another woman in his life so he treat me that way. But we had a good time for almost 2 year. And the night before we broke, i was little mad at him and said if he has another woman, i will leave. And the next morning he texted me and confessed that he has responsibility now and we have to stop at some points. And he also said he got back with his ex. I feel something not right because i know he love me and so do I, but I upset because almost 2 years but no commitment. But i miss him, i dont want end relationship when we both still loving each other. But i was really upset, he does not spend time for me but everytime we met, he treated me like princess. And, we text each other everyday. I am doing no contact right now and have not heard anything from him. Did he really got back with his ex so that he dump me or he just afraid that he will fall in love with me. Thanks for the advices!!!
Hi I walked away from the start of a relationship that probably too fast as soon as I felt wronged. My problem is that I know that I stood up for myself but I keep feeling like maybe I should of done more of the rubber band effect and just sat back some more? The reason why it was so hard for me to do is because this guy asked me to be his girlfriend within a week of knowing me and it was kind of a whirlwind 2 weeks. (I know, only 2 weeks why do I even care right?) But once you give me that title, even if I want to take it slow and see how it goes day by day I still have some expectations. I realize that was probably a red flag that he wanted to move so fast and he might of had different intentions, but I told him I wanted to wait on sex as that complicates things and so we spent a lot of time together, not having sex. We went on 3 dates (meals) and he met up with me after my holiday party (all in one week, maybe too much?)Hung out 6 times total in the first week and a half of knowing each other physically ( we had emailed before) Honestly though we did have sex once, drunk which was when I said let's wait for me, and we did. It all seemed great and I felt promising about this man and was loving the affection which seemed so sincere, (I cannot be affectionate with just anybody it just clicked) I was sick before the holiday and he had a friend in town all weekend. I met the friend immediately which I thought was a good sign but didn't hear from him all weekend unless I texted him, and that whole time I didn't tell him how sick I really was...I had strep and felt horrible but kept a facade about how I felt, mostly because I wanted to see him! So his friend left and he came immediately over and spent the night with me, sick and all and we just cuddled and watched movies and drank tea together(he was sniffly too) I thought this meant SOMETHING....this man laid around with me on his baddest of days on my bad day and spent the day with me. But I went out of town the next day for the holiday and not once did he text me to say anything, ask about my trip, see if I still felt sick (I was so sick I lost 5 lbs), just chit chat, other than Merry Christmas and we did talk that day for a bit. I talked to him as I was on my way outta town through text but the rest of the trip I only text him once first and he wasn't exactly chatty. I wanted to see he was taking initiative. He wasn't. Even still we did talk Christmas (he text) but the day after I told him I couldn't wait to get home the next day and if he wanted to plan something.....crickets. I told him hours later I was disappointed I couldn't get a hold of him and what was he up to? Crickets...I let 4 days pass and text him casually about the movie we last saw and he answered but was not engaging at all. Didn't ask about how my vacation was, didn't acknowledge that I was home. I tried one last attempt and invited him out to a bday at a pizza/bar. He said maybe and that he was already slightly drunk (this was at 7pm) I asked him what he had been up to and crickets so after 3 hours I decided to tell him "I just don't think we're on the same wavelength and good luck to you" and he was was thanks!!! He couldn't even say anything to help me close this. I slept on that and the next morning I said "thanks? Do you ask everyone to be your girlfriend? I really wanted to give you the benefit of the doubt and thought we had respect for each other. You said you wanted a relationship, that's not something ppl ask lightly. I meant it when I said I didn't want to rush. It was fun but if it was too much we could of atleast talked about it. You don't just leave me having that's just not cool." To that all he said was "right on". I am still so confused by that and hurt. I never said anything back to that BS response. Why put so much emotion into something then completely go cold? Is this a new tactic to get laid!? I have never had anybody use the GF card on me. I feel so disappointed ,I told him I wanted to hold off on more sexual relations and he completely obliged. But I can't help but feel like he just found somebody that would give him sex when I left 🙁 I could see he was active on okcupid when he was clearly NOT messaging me back.
I know I clearly did the right thing, he is not ready regardless of what he says. I was not needy, I told him I didn't want to rush it and did not force it, I was not overly emotional, I let him show me what he was really capable of and yet and left and I STILL feel terrible. It has been a month since I last saw him, and even though it was short lived it was the first time someone had asked me to be their girlfriend and give it a shot in a long time, so naturally I was happy to think that somebody really wanted to try. Everyone runs or thinks the grass is greener, and this one was no different. I know I want to find somebody that can communicate with me, clearly he can't. I dropped him from FB, was that a bad idea? This is what I have problems with. A big part of me still wants him to reach out to me, I want a IM SORRY. I guess I want to know what he was thinking, I was too scared to "have the talk" and I think that is what I am regretting bc I don't know if he was just insulted that I just ended it when maybe I should let 4 days of no talking slide? It was the holiday though and I KNOW that if you care about somebody or ARE TRYING TO KEEP THEM you put in effort. Maybe scared? You don't play with people's emotions like that, he did say he fell too fast and needed to pump the breaks when we first talked relationship. I could understand he wants to be single even, he is 3 years divorced and just moved to the city 4 months ago. Completely get it, but you can't just tell me that you made a mistake in moving too fast? We could of just kept it casual or been friends more first but pulling the BF GF card up front changes the whole dynamic. Doesn't seem like he even wants to be friends but he keeps looking at my snap chat and it kills me but also make me feel good in some stupid way, like he can see what he is missing. I don't know what I am looking for here but just have this stupid notion that the great guy that was sweet affectionate and attentive to me will come back and say he's sorry and make my heart feel better, even if it's just for friendship. What do I do? Please help! I want him to reach out to me.....I don't expect him to though it would jus take my heart feel better 🙁
I guess my thought is at hopefully he will respect that I am not one to play with. But I don't know. :/ Just want this feeling of I shoulda woulda coulda to go away!
Really? Why don't you just recommend sitting by the window with your chin in your hand waiting to sit in silence with your legs crossed and WAIT for a guy to decide if your good enough, patient enough, etc. I mean why not let the entire relationship be on his terms- so in the end, you can do his laundry and raise his kids? Oh how wonderful! I'm sure there's a long line for that...,
Well the guy I was seeing he wasn't honest and upfront. I think he was closed off. If a guy has a problem of committing he should be honest and upfront. Noone is a mind reader.