Sometimes, if we look at the reasons we stay in a relationship that isn't working, we find that it’s all about the A word.
Alone.
If we’re really honest with ourselves, I think we’d find that much of the stuff we allow in our relationships is because we’re afraid of being alone. As in, without a guy.
I think a lot of us feel that way even if we don’t want to admit it.
We don’t want to be alone. Whether it’s our culture that tells us we need to be with someone, be part of a couple to be OK, or whether it’s our own internalized belief system, we can go to great lengths to make sure we’re with someone, even if he’s not the one for us.
Because at least he’s someone.
And if he’s someone and we’re with him, than we’re not alone.
But here’s the thing about that. Haven’t you ever felt awfully alone when you’re actually in a relationship with the wrong guy?
I’m talking about that feeling you get when you’re supposedly dating a guy, and you’re wondering if he’s going to spend Saturday night with you or the guys?
Or if an invitation to a party comes up and you have to wonder whether or not you’ll have a date to go to – even though you’re supposedly with your guy?
Or that feeling you get when you’re not free to date anyone else because you’re in this supposed committed relationship with this guy, but the casual way he treats you and the little time he spends with you leaves you spending more time by yourself than with him?
Why do we do this to ourselves?
This is not what being together is all about! What I’m describing is called being alone. No matter how many ways you try to convince yourself that you’re not.
It’s awful being that kind of alone. At least when you’re really alone, you’re actually free to be alone or not. You’re free to be with someone on a date, or to choose to be alone. It’s your choice.
But what kind of a choice is it if you’re choosing to be with someone who’s not choosing to be with you? What kind of a relationship is that in the first place?
It took me a long time to figure that out, too. That I would be so much better off being truly alone than alone with him.
Too long.
But I finally figured it out, and if you’re just figuring it out now, it’s never too late to just say goodbye and walk away. To the scary world of alone. Because it’s really not as scary as it seems. It can just seem that way.
But the really scary thing is not realizing just how alone we are when we’re not supposed to be alone. Like when we’re in a relationship.
So if this is what’s going on with you, and you’ve tried everything to turn it around, maybe it’s time to choose to let it go.
And substitute the word “free” for “scary.”
Because there’s nothing as freeing as choosing to be alone. Or choosing to be with someone.
The point is, this time it’s going to be you doing the choosing. And what you choose is entirely up to you.
If you’re still feeling that alone with your guy is better than alone by yourself, it’s OK. It takes us a while to get into relationships like this and we can’t expect to change overnight what we’ve become so used to. Just know that one day you'll look back on all this and see it so clearly.
And you’ll know with certainty that being alone in a relationship is a place you never want to be.
Jane
What a great topic ! I learned the lesson you spoke so eloquently about being alone in a relationship when I was 22 years old ( over 3 decades ago). It was a challenging time for me, I was in love and recently engaged but I was with an alcoholic. I didn't even know what an alcoholic truly is until my employer at the time had a heart to heart conversation w/ me. She took me to an Alanon meeting and I learned about codependency. I recognized myself in other's stories, the twisting myself inside out to accommodate a relationship that wasn't working and had no real foundation. Aside from the addiction aspect, which I unwittingly participated in ( until I sought the counsel of a therapist) we had nothing in common but attraction. Our values did not line up and I felt utterly alone. I had a flash insight one morning when I looked in the mirror and didn't recognize myself and I heard a voice well up from my soul that said " let go"
I broke off the engagement and moved on. The lesson was learned the hard way but I won't participate in a relationship w/ out mutual emotional investment and follow through. Once was enough. I actually like being alone, I like my own company and my heart is always open fir the right man and the right relationship that's based on shared values and reciprocity.
Love you, girl! You learned this well!
Hi Jane
Yes a lone was one of the reasons why I had to let go he was too busy working at his age complain about being tired and pain always he has know time for a relationship only when he felt like and it's not like he was out doing other things he goes bowling once a week which was OK what I need was more and it's all about him and to make sure he said that he have to work until death I'm fine its hard when you are looking for the best and that person is not on the same page you just have to keep going until you stumble upon the right person I don't have a lot of friends family yes why should a person be lonely when you can have Mr right I did it before
Thanks Jane.
My ex tried to convince me I was imagining that feeling, but a few days ago I happened upon a pretty clear example of how things should be.
We used to play Diablo 3 together, where we have our characters run through corridors or fields and kill demons. My ex would just run in some random direction and do his own thing, then get upset when I demanded teamwork.
Some random guy I'm playing with now waits or attempts to rendezvous when our characters get separated, responds to my alerts, and in turn alerts me when he's found treasure.
It just goes to show that if your gut feeling is something like "this is not teamwork" or "this is not how people do something together", then it probably isn't.
Just wanted to add, if strangers treat you better than your significant other, then your significant other should cease to be significant.
Unfortunately I have experienced feeling alone while married. my husband was emotionally unavailable, a Workaholic, and a people pleaser..When ever we were out he never introduced me as his wife. When he went out of Town for work he would " Forget to call Me."? When out to dinner with friends he would pour drinks for everyone else first, and pour my last..The final nail in the coffin before we divorced, We had No Sex for 6 months because "He was teaching Me a lesson..Talk about feeling Alone..It was one of the loneliest times of my life.
Hi Jane,
Reading today's letter is EXACTLY where I'm at. We have just taken a break from one another and it's been a couple of weeks now with very few texts. I do have that very lonely feeling, sick to my stomach feeling at times however being with him was the same way at times. He decided when things would work more so. I never knew if he would come to things with me or be around for Christmas, New Years etc. He doesn't go out with friends but he's an introvert and would rather stay home or me come over. I'm dating a bit and now seeing the difference already however I still feel that sadness and alone feeling because I'm not with him.... Only at times.
It's true, I have those same feelings even when he was in my life because of the uncertainty he put out.
It was good timing to read that. Thank you
That sadness and alone feeling you're experiencing at times is so normal, Christina. Trust yourself: you obviously did what you knew you needed to do for you. I'm so glad the timing of this resonated with you!
Wow. This article was well timed for me. Alone is how I feel today. Back to college and feeling alone, older than the rest of students, no invites to Saturday bar hopping... but not the life experience of the mature students, no husband no kids... Fresh out of a lonely relationship where I struggled to put me first, using his problems as my distraction from my own loneliness. Lost my mother to cancer recently . I am in my thirties. I'm the late bloomer, starting over. Today, I fought the urge to call him as he keeps opening the door with returning my "stuff". I went to collect my things 3 x and always something else he finds, I finally said enough, keep whatever, I can rebuy but then he was interested as soon as I showed confidence and looking forward. And he managed to put me down as he brought me up again. That confusion has brought me nightmares. But I know that what I had was lonely so being lonely by choice is freeing. Today was just one day and my mom always said give it another hour, then a day, then a good sleep without calling and keep this up until it doesn't hurt and you will feel stronger. Time will heal. And then I realize it's her I miss more. I will face this loneliness because it's better to be free than feel alone.
I was in a relationship for 3 years. He was emotionally unavailable and told he neede me. He didnt want to talk about feelings and i always wondered where i stood with him. I was always the one leaving and he never ran after me but he always left the door open. Looking for reasons to keep contact. What hurt the most is that he's phone was off limits and a big secret, always chatting to other woman. He never told me he loved me or wanted me. I felt like a friend with benefits. I tried so hard to be what he wanted but now i had enough. Im worth more. Im heartbroken and alone but i know nobody can use me now.
Hi Jane,
Yes, I was everything you just described in this email. Alone in a relationship. I just walked away. I feel so free, knowing that I am alone by myself and not alone with someone who cares nothing about me. Pretending to be in a relationship that does not really exist. Thank you, you have really inspired me to be a better woman. I am still working on this self- esteem issue. I know I am worthy and I know I deserve better.
Hi Jane - My problem is I'm a natural introvert and don't mind being alone and I would absolutely rather be alone than be with someone who I don't feel a connection with and attraction to. I don't have a large circle of friends and belong to no groups because I'm a terrible homebody and don't go out unless I have to. I would, of course, love to have someone to share my life with but I'm middle-aged and my attempts at love have taken a lot out of me and I'm not sure I'll try again. The last attempt ended recently and with an incredible amount of disappointment on my part. We had known each other since high school and had reconnected last year. I was sure he was the one - finally. He, as I found out too late, just wanted a friends with benefits arrangement. I overwhelmed him with my feeling that it should be more than that. It felt like such a natural thing for us to just get on with it since we're not getting any younger and we had always been attracted to each other. He was not on the same page to say the least. I know I should get out more and meet more people but I just don't want to. It's very hard to meet men in middle-age, especially for an introverted woman who has been exhausted by every attempt at love she's ever made. I think I've lost the belief that it could happen for me and so with every passing year I stay more and more to myself. What if being alone feels better than getting out there and trying again and again?
Jane,
In my 25 or so years of marriage I don't think I did ever feel alone. However, at times I did feel lonely.
You might think that's just words, but I think there's considerable difference between being alone and feeling lonely. Being alone is a matter of whether there are other people in your vicinity or not. Loneliness depends on how closely you are communicating emotionally with people who are significant to you.
Technically I knew of some of the basic communication skills such as paraphrasing and not interrupting. However, especially because I'm a male, I was/am uncertain of my emotions and how to communicate them.
Do you know of any sites for getting closer to emotions and communicating them?
P.S. I have already seen your Love KickStart videos. Perhaps I should watch them again.
Tom.
Hi Tom!
How nice of you to join the conversation. I'm grateful for reading what men have to say in matters of the heart. Welcome!
I think you might find this article useful:
https://www.mensline.org.au/emotions-and-mental-wellbeing/men-and-emotions
I also suggest looking for Teal Swan on YouTube. There's a video on how to express emotions and I find it very helpful.
Just a couple of links. I hope they help.
My last relationship was exactly this way. I always said, I'm in a relationship but always alone. I'd never had that feeling and it was the worst thing of my life. Then one day I decided enough was enough and ended it. Met my fiancé soon after and you're right Jane, I look back now and see it all so clearly! No relationship should be that way. If it is, it isn't a relationship, in my opinion. And I just couldn't do that anymore.
in the past 5 years i've known this guy where i feel happy and safe around him at gardening in the group. When gardening was on a break i wanted to hang out with this guy so i can get to know him more but never asked me about it.
i invited him to my parties n he never showed up & never told me he was or wasn't coming n why.
i even thought having a lunch 1-1 on valentines day idk whether it's a good or bad idea. i gave fb a rest for now. i really like this guy and he has everything i want in a guy like the right height, right accent i want etc.
i remember giving him my number on 11 Oct 2013, idk if he still has my number or not. i did make 1 of my resolutions to spend time with him 1-1 apart from gardening so i can get to know him more n maybe 1 day/sometime he could end up being my next bf.
Or maybe there will be someone else, Courtney. Someone who you don't have to chase after, who doesn't leave you wondering where he stands. By his actions, by what he does, that's always how we know!
I am terrified of being alone. Although I tend to like alone time often, I need to know there is someone to share with and be with. I am getting older and I think of people whose children are far away, friends seldom available and no man to be with. That is the saddest and loneliest thought to me and I don't eant that for me. So when that unavailable man that shows up two or three times a tear calls, I say yes. But that yes leads to months of pain feeling rejected, forgotten and unloved. And I am trying very hard to say no the next time he calls because I know he doesn't feel about me the way I feel about him and that is not how I want to feel. So alone is better and less painful than these types of emotions. Loneliness is a worldwide condition that many suffer from and it's the saddest and most painful of emotions and no amount of activity you can get involved with will take the place of sharing with someone.
Look in different places, Connie, starting with your beautiful passionate heart and where it shows you to be. Fill your cup so full with the people and activities, and hobbies that reflect the real you, where you're loved, where you're valued, where you're welcomed with open arms and missed when you're not there. Then when he comes calling with only the same crumbs he can offer you, you won't be tempted to to settle for anything less!
This is so accurate! I have felt alone for years. This awful feeling would creep in in the afternoons, and I would try to busy myself wondering why he wasn't calling or if he would be home for dinner, should I wait for him? So many wedding invitations where I didn't expect my boyfriend to be my date. So many days spend worrying about the weekend and if we were going to do something together. Finally, after seven years it's finally over. I decided I have a choice to be happy, and I can choose. who I love and it shouldn't be someone who is okay making me feel so lonely and unwanted. It's been about a month and there are rough patches but I already feel so much better being there for myself!
" ... being there for myself" - how accurate that is, Finallyfreed. To be there first for ourselves, we raise the bar so that someone else can do the same. You deserve so much more than you've been through!
This is so true! I have felt alone in a relationship. I am glad to be free to do the choosing. ❤️
And you are, Vanessa! Free to choose what you want, what you desire, with no limits except the ones we place on ourselves. So glad this resonated with you.
Your right and it is scary
I hear you, Shirley. But so much scarier to be with the wrong person in a fantasy relationship that only exists in our own minds.
Yes, your message actually hits right on my current relationship. Before the end of 2015,I sat him down and told him since he's not into me but realized he's stuck with me because of sex, I want to let him be alone, since the relationship wasn't a healthy one for me.and I quoted " I want us to go separate ways,that the right guy might be stuck in the tree somewhere, so I have to rescue him" other than stick to the wrong guy. His response was I should hurry up and rescue him.which I told him wasn't funny.
When he returned from holidays this January he sent me invite to meet. I refuse to, and reminded him my decision, he further said " I like you but also busy with my own things, difficult to guarantee time so prefer to honest and is always good to spend time together when we can" at this point I still have feelings for him but I think I should remain Alone.which I'm trying to walk away and not get distracted by him again.
Thanks from Rykell
You have to decide what you really want, Rykell. That's what always comes through. Find that clarity within yourself and he won't be able to distract you!
Hi Jane,
This is a great post, but....
How does one let go of a relationship when you don't have anyone else (friendships and family) to turn to?
What can a girl do when she doesn't have others in her life to "hang out" with or just to talk to?
I mean, I enjoy my alone time, but not all the time.
You go on a search of self-discovery, Michelle. You find out who you really are and what you really like to do. You stretch yourself to throw off the limits you've unknowingly set for yourself and you start creating a life that's filled with the things you've always wanted to do, with the activities and hobbies and interests that ignite your passions and give you a feeling of lightness and happiness. You don't wait for this or that to come together to start making it happen. You reach out and you see what comes back. You take a step in a direction that resonates with you and you see what you find there.
You become curious about what might be just around the corner if you ventured out a little further in a different direction than you would have chosen for yourself if you weren't stretching yourself. You join a Meetup group or special interest group that you're not quite sure about, but you go just to check it out because it's not so much about going to any particular group or event as much as it is the act of growing yourself, and stretching your wings, and branching out a little further than you usually do.
You see who shows up, who you run into, you find on a similar path looking for the same sense of "home" and "family" as you. It's in those small steps that the bigger ones come more naturally. It's in those little things that you gain confidence to do the bigger things. It's how you start to see this all more clearly, it's how it begins to resonate more with you the more you question and shift and grow.
Start right where you are. It's enough. It doesn't matter if you can't see the way clear right now. It's in the starting somewhere that it all begins to make sense and everything else starts falling into place. Don't worry if it feels foreign or you still don't understand. Take what resonates with you and set the rest aside. It's always enough to just keep taking those first steps from wherever you are right now.
Your reply to Michelle just answered my question. I was about to write about how lonely I feel right now.
I have commented a little bit of my situation on other articles, but I feel like writing again and I am so thankful to you, Jane for offering this space for us to communicate how we feel when we have no one else to turn to.
11 months ago my dream of coming to Germany came true. Back home I was sort of lonely all the time. I had not so great experiences with men and with friends in general, so I chose to sort of stay lonely and I convinced myself that things wouldn't work out for me because I was in the wrong country. My culture shoves many things down everyone's throat that are completely detrimental. I was always interested in Germany because I started learning the language and I had met a few very cute guys from there who surprisingly were more interested in talking with me than boys from my own country. I came here so hopeful, so scared but so full of dreams and happiness because I had finally made it. And of course I was convinced I would meet the man of my dreams and wonderful friends who could see me and love me as I am. And I did. Like right a week after I got here I met someone. He was so charming and so intend on getting to know me. I got attention from him and his friends welcomed me and got along great with me. I thought it made sense: everything was going according to how I had imagined.... except when a couple of hangouts later, the guy said something that sounded way too familiar: I have no problem hanging out, cuddling or anything, but I don't want things to get complicated if I meet someone else. I still chose to hang around. That was of course the biggest mistake I have made because evidently, the longer I stuck around, the more I got hurt. I wanted so badly to belong, to convince him somehow that I convinced myself to try harder, to stick around because he might change his mind... although I was in denial as well: oh we're just friends. It was quite the roller-coaster and now, hindsight, I see that what I thought was so great really never was. I just wanted it to be. My dream, I wouldn't let go of it, and because of that I held on to something that was never there. I was so afraid of being alone here because of course I have no family or friends here. So of course I made excuses for it all, convincing myself it was better to have something to do every weekend than going back to the way things were back home: me by myself at home on a weekend with nothing to do.
Last weekend was a major wake up call. I always ended up hurt when around him, but last weekend was just too much: we went out dancing and he disappeared on me to go talk to other girls. He didn't even say where he was going to be, he didn't even apologize afterwards, even when I angrily told him I wasn't ok with it. That made me feel so miserable, so disrespected, so alone, more lonely than anything else. I said to myself: I don't deserve this. Why have I done this to myself? Why have I put myself in hurtful situations over and over again? I realize it is fear of loneliness, lack of self-worth, detrimental core beliefs like: I'm not attractive, I'm not fun enough, I'm not good enough, no man would want me so this is as good as it gets for me.
It hurts to think that way, but that's what has been going on. Sometimes I feel excrutiatingly lonely and it just hurts so much I end up sleeping all day. But you are right. If I am here by myself and live to tell about it, it's because loneliness won't kill me. I am proud of myself for choosing little by little to heal my relationship with myself. I am very fragile still, but I see things clearly now. I can definitely see what I do not want. I see what I've been thinking and doing. I hope with time I can find new people who honestly are more aligned with who I am as a person and with what I would like to have. And I do still want that beautiful relationship with a man who is kind to me and who commits to me. I am not sure how I will ever find that, but I have faith that it will happen. I'm turning 29 this week and I think my life is just starting. I have sort of waken up.
Thank you so much again for being such an inspiration to us all. Your beautiful soul lights up ours.
Hi Angel,
I could not send no message. What a story.
I see myself in it. The way you describe your emotions and
Where you stand in life.
I myself also am at the beginning seeing where I can meet friends and
Discover more about activities etc.
All though we have freedom and are young, I see we are sometimes afraid or
Feel down. Don't be. Just go on . I am also 28 and miss a partner & friends.
But I see I have to get active and live.
I had to go to few counseling talks to get me started. What I have learned is to carry on , to
Not be ashamed and live! To feel inside strong and confident.
When you have that, you can and do anything!
Bless you
Thank you so much Maris for your loving words.
The show must go on like the song says. We just need to get up off the floor. Better days are yet to come.
Bless you too.
Always, Angel! Thank you for your beautiful words. You inspire me with every word you've written here, sharing your journey, the process like this. Your questions could have been my own not so long ago. Be so proud of yourself for seeing any of this, for being open enough to question yourself like this so that you can find the deeper answers in your answers. It takes real courage to look within, to see things more clearly, to be open to seeing things differently than you may have seen them before.
It's such a beautiful gift to yourself to "wake up" as you say. Your life is just starting again. And there is so much to see, so much to be, so much to discover, and so much more to come! It's those tiny steps I'm always talking about, beginning right where you are, accepting yourself, showing compassion for yourself, never leaving yourself no matter how lonely or strange you feel, no matter where you are in your journey. It's how we do this. And without going through what we put ourselves through, we wouldn't see what we often can't see any other way.
It's always ok wherever we are, whatever we seem to do to ourselves time and time again. It's how we get there, to that place where we can see this so clearly, where we not only recognize what we're doing, but where we start to choose something different because it's the loving way we deserve to treat ourselves. Without the guilt, without the shame, without the "shoulds". It's where we find ourselves - our beautiful true selves - again. And it's beautiful to see form here. 🙂
Hello Jane,
I just received your 1st email yesterday, and right now read your comments about being alone. It is as though you are speaking from my inner self, and the place I am at right now, and where I have been for a long time. This is exactly how I feel. How encouraging it is to hear your words of insight, inspiration, and quest for courage and belief in who we are, and valueing the person we are deep inside. Thank you so very much!
Welcome, Carolyn! I'm so glad you found this so encouraging and aligned with where you are. You deserve nothing less than to be valued for exactly who you are, regardless of who that is or what that looks like. Don't change for anyone else. You are so beautifully, uniquely you for a reason, even if it's not that clear right now.
Wow! where was I when this article was written back in 2011! It is so nice to be able to read through your articles click on highlighted links from other articles and come across ones like this one that hit home. Although i really did want to be with him, the being alone part definitely scared me and so I stayed/settled. BUT for what? It was horrible, just like you said waiting on a Saturday night, always feeling like I'm "on call" waiting for my boyfriend to want to spend time with me, wondering if he will invite me to that special party, dinners, etc. I would literally leave my agenda open for a "just in case" he makes plans with me. And most of the time I found myself alone at home waiting, and waiting, weekend after weekend. I look at it now and its non sense. Its so true Jane once you see it, it becomes oh so very clear. Relationships should not be be that way! I am so glad that I can relate to this and giving me more of many reasons to let it go!
So true, Darlene. I'm glad you found this one - it was one of my first posts and one I personally could so relate to. I'm thrilled that you're seeing this for yourself. And no one can take it away from you once you see it like this; it's yours!
I wish I could express how valuable your website has been for me in my growth journey. I thought I had met the one.. mr right, mr wonderful, mr everything. WRONG! I've learned that waiting 6-9 months to even consider those feelings is a minimum. After 6 months, I was devistated that he had turned out to be crude, mean, decieptful, hurtful and the list goes on. At the time, I was in a vulnerable place (lost my job of 15 years) and stayed in this painful relationship. Once I went back to work and got my self esteem back in order, I realized how lonely I was in the relationship!!! There is a hug difference in being "alone" and being "lonely". I'll choose alone anyday over lonely in a relationship.
You are an amazing inspiration and I thank God daily for your words!
Thank you for your beautiful words, Sheryl; I'm so glad you're finding the inspiration and the support you're looking for here. There is nothing like that kind of loneliness when you're with someone, that sheds so much light on what else wasn't right, and to be able to see that for yourself is no small thing. You're in a new place now, and today is a new day!