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My Boyfriend Keeps Breaking Up With Me and Coming Back

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A couple enjoying embrace of each other and tenderly smiling
Why does he keep breaking up, then 3 days later he says he made a mistake?

This week's letter comes from Sue, who's wondering if it's normal for her boyfriend of 2 1/2 years to keep breaking up with her, then saying he made a mistake and wanting to get back together.

She's unfortunately not alone here, as many of the women I work with have similar stories to her - one of the most common questions I get is "Why does my boyfriend keep breaking up with me and coming back?"

His ambivalence is part of a larger problem, and I go into detail about that in my response here. I hope it helps both you, Sue, as well as others of you going through this right now.

Here's her email:

Hi Jane,

The same situation as you described about breaking up after 3-4 months in a perfect relationship happened to me. Then in 3 days he called and said he made a mistake. We have broken up probably six times and gotten back together in a 2 1/2 year relationship.

We can't stay away from each other.Continue Reading

This Is What You Need to Do About the Man Who Won't Commit

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A beautiful, exuberant woman is in a field with her arms raised towards the sun.
Do this first - then you'll know what to do with him.

I talk to so many women who all want to know what they should do about a particular man who's dragging his feet, who comes and goes but not on any schedule they can count on, who's all but living like a single guy while he's supposed to be in a relationship with them.

Every one of their friends tells them to dump him, but the truth is, until you're ready to dump him, you can't, you won't, and you're going to be miserable if you do.

You already know what you're going to do regardless of what I or anyone else say you should do. So I'm going to tell you to do something else.

Shift the focus from him to you.

Find out everything you can about why you are the way you are and how your personality combined with your environment to make you the way you are.

Find some people or animals or cause or something else outside yourself that desperately needs all that love you have for him, and pour your heart into that. Continue Reading

Vindicated

4 Comments

Beautiful brunette woman thinking, tired, wondering if she's the one with commitment issues.
The woman in us who's been hurt a bazillion times feels vindicated.

See? You say. See?

That's why I can't find any good ones.

The woman in us who's been hurt a bazillion times feels vindicated.

See! It's just the way it is now.

But is it?

Look closer. No, not where you've always been looking, but somewhere different. Somewhere new.

Maybe that dominates, that being the current popular opinion that the new dating reality makes the act of swiping or putting a few syllables into a phone the most effort men have to make these days, but is that really the whole story?

Or is there more?

No, this isn't just the way it is for you! This is someone else's story. Stop making it your own. It's not!Continue Reading

I Just Want to Be Sure I'm Not Walking Away from a Good Thing

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A beautiful woman sits on a couch at home alone, feeling sad that she doesn't have a boyfriend.
Am I foolish to stay in this relationship?

Isn't this at the heart of the question you're asking, too?

You sense what you need to do. You've been wrestling with it for a long time. You've got all your facts, all your information, all that you've quietly (or not so quietly) been observing, all the while hoping something would be different this time.

But it hasn't, has it? It's still the same.

And now there's just one thing you need to know. It's that you're not walking away from a good thing. That's what brought Diane here today.

Here's her story:

Hi Jane,

I have been dating a man, 14 yrs older than me, for almost ten years now. We don't live together.

I have two children who are now teenagers.

My boyfriend works all the time and has very little time for the relationship. We see each other usually Saturday evening through Sunday most weekends, but if either of us has something on at the weekend it means we don't see each other for 2/3 weeks.

He has put this boundary in place as he is exhausted with work all the time. I believe he is a workaholic and is using work to avoid relationship and emotional intimacy. We have been talking about getting a place together for 6 years now and have looked at houses but that is as far as it ever goes.Continue Reading

Why he says "It’s going good just the way it is, let’s not mess with it."

12 Comments

A beautiful woman is on a date with a man.
Hint: It's not because of you!

It feels so personal, doesn't it?

When he says "It’s going good just the way it is, let’s not mess with it", you just can't help it. You think it's because of you.

"I must not be enough", you tell yourself.

Or I must be too much. Or, in other words, "There must be something wrong with me that I'm doing everything I'm supposed to do and it's STILL not enough to get him to commit to me."

So let's clear this up right now before you go any further with why this is somehow your fault that you're stalled in the in-between zone.

It's  not because of you.

It's because of what any deeper of a commitment to you represents to him!Continue Reading

Too Busy for a Relationship but Not Too Busy to String You Along

5 Comments

Nobody is too busy, it is a matter of priorities - handwriting on a napkin with a cup of espresso coffee
He says he's too busy for a relationship because of work.

One of our beautiful readers, signed "In love with love", has a story that so many of us can relate to. The boyfriend that just can't seem to make time for (or commit to) a real relationship.

Read on for the full story:

Hi Jane,

I stumbled across one of your blogs, incidentally, a few weeks ago and have been hooked ever since.

You have a unique way of nailing all the issues with dating and love right on the head - it's to a point where you're reading, you think these blogs are made solely for you and speak to your own experience.

So Kudos for proving that relationship experts DO exist.

Anyhoo, I'd like to gather your thoughts on an issue that I've been dealing with. It's been some time since I've recapped events but I'll try my best to make it sensical.

In laymen's terms, I think I've fallen in love with someone who might love me back, but isn't letting themself. The only real excuse I've gotten is because he's too busy for a relationship because of work.

I don't buy that because I believe we make time for the  things and people we want. And if that's not me, why not just say so?

This would be a much easier pill to swallow if he would say he's just not that into me or doesn't see us working out. That I can understand. But this limbo we've been teetering in for months is mentally debilitating and hindering me from moving on.

Can you please advise?Continue Reading

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