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You are here: Home / Archives for too nice

"You're too nice for me"

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Rear view pensive thoughtful woman sitting on sofa alone, lost in thoughts, upset female having psychological problem, heartbreak, thinking about being alone
I couldn't believe he was telling me this.

"You're just too nice for me, I was always afraid you were too nice for me. I like you so much, but I didn't feel it strong enough, something was missing."

My blood was boiling before I had even finished reading her full comment on my website.

No, don't turn it back on her. Don't make it about her being too nice. That's a bunch of BS!

You, (insert the name here of whoever's said the same thing to you) - this isn't about her, it's about you!

You're the coward. You're the one who won't do your own work.

You're the one who refuses to wake up from your own convenient programming that insists it's all about finding the "perfect" woman and that's the piece that's missing and then you'll magically have this complete perfect relationship that will make everything so easy for you!

No, don't hide behind that BS! That's NOT the way relationships work.

You don't get to be with someone for 6 months who's "too nice", afraid she's too nice the whole time, while you're playing the field, sleeping with someone else - "but it doesn't mean anything" - and then dropping the bomb that you "don't feel it strong enough."Continue Reading

Which one's yours?

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A beautiful woman is thoughtful, wondering if she needs to feel the spark.
Any of these sound familiar?

Our answers may seem illogical to anyone else, but to us they’re so real. The more we answer with them, the more they become our truth.

It doesn’t matter if someone can point out why we’re wrong or why the evidence points to the contrary. We have the proof.

I’ll never find anyone.

I’ve already tried everything.

I’m too old.

I’m too _______.

Continue Reading

Programmed to be Nice

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The word nice carved in wood.
Maybe being nice isn't the way to go.

We’ve been programmed to be so “nice” that it’s no wonder we’re confused. We have so very few role models to show us what it means!

So many of us were raised by mothers who either were always “nice” or eventually blew up into something that was anything but what they preached at us to be. And the same went for grandmothers, aunts, cousins, sisters.

You name it, we women have so much to learn about being confident, assertive, and yes, that word “nice”.

It’s about setting boundaries and teaching these men in our lives how to treat us so that we don’t get to the point where we blow up into something we’re not, which is often how we end up before we realize something needs to change.

Sound at all familiar? Continue Reading

Are You Asking for Too Much?

29 Comments

Unhappy couple after fight not talking to each other
It’s not that you’re asking for too much, it’s who you’re asking it of.

It's a question I hear from so many of you: Am I asking for too much?

I need you to think about this one, because if we're ever going to stop taking this out on ourselves, we have to separate the two.

It’s not that you’re asking for too much. Oh you’re not!

For someone who’s on the same page as you, who’s ready for a real committed relationship and knows that’s exactly what he wants and nothing less, what you’re asking for is entirely reasonable and doesn’t need to be defended or explained to anyone!

But if we’re talking about someone who for all he may say he’s ready for a relationship but doesn’t show you with his real life actions that he actually is, then you're going to feel like you’re asking for too much for a very good reason.

And this reason is because there’s a disconnect between the two of you.Continue Reading

Help! I'm Only Attracted to Emotionally Unavailable Men

18 Comments

Electric cable with sparks on black background.
I only feel "the spark" with the rascals!

This week our letter comes all the way from Sweden! Our beautiful friend, Micka, has been chasing emotionally unavailable men most of her life, and she's now realizing that she wants to stop going down that path. The problem is that the "nice" guys are not attractive to her.

Here's what she wrote:

Hello Jane. My name is Micka and I am a woman living in Sweden.

I am 56 years of age, probably far older than most of your readers. For the last 17 years, I have been single since divorcing a man after 10 years. I've had some romantic encounters but I do have the same problem as many other women here, I keep falling for emotionally unavailable men.

I know all the reasons why I am drawn to these men and why these complicated relationships makes me rise to the occasion, always ending up in pain and tears. I do believe I had my last relationship of that kind some months ago - last, because it almost killed me and I have sworn to not go there again.Continue Reading

Am I Too Nice?

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A beautiful brunette woman is looking off to the left, wondering -  Am I too nice
Am I too nice? I don't want to be a doormat!

Some recent questions I've gotten from a few of our beautiful readers are: How can I stop being so nice? How can I stop being so emotional? I want to be the dream girl, not the doormat!

Here's my response:

You are nice! You are emotional! Not only do you not need to stop, you need to love about yourself the very fact that you have these beautiful qualities!

You have the ability to feel, to empathize, to care, to love - and to do these all so deeply. These are special gifts you have to share with someone who is worthy of you! Someone who is looking for someone just like you because these are the qualities you possess. But when you are just getting to know someone, there's no possible way to know if this is someone you want to share these qualities – essentially, your YOU – with. You don’t know him well enough yet to know if this is someone you really want to have anything to do with at all!

I know how this happens because it used to happen to me all too often. Someone would come into my life and start paying so much attention to me that I was so flattered I would immediately start going into my programming. If he was confident, attractive and had those other surface factors that piqued my interest, I was there. I was showing him just how much of a catch I was, how much I had to offer him and giving him every reason to stop looking any further because I was everything he could possibly want in a girlfriend!

But there was something I had missed in this process. I wasn't taking my time to get to know him. I wasn't slowing things down to a speed that would allow me to do this. I was too excited, too caught up in his potential and the pace he was setting that I wasn't taking the time to figure out if he was really the right guy for me.

What I didn't now then that I do know now is that if he was the right guy for me, he wouldn't think I was too nice, or too emotional, in fact he would love those qualities about me!

This isn't about pretending to be something you’re not. While much of the popular dating advice centers around how to play it cool and how to play hard to get – where it falls short is that if you’re not there, if you’re not in that place in your life where you’re so confident of your worth and what you have to offer and you have enough of a life that behaving like this comes from your real self, pretending is going to have the opposite effect. You’re going to be acting like something you’re not, and so you’ll be attracting someone who is looking for this other person you’re pretending to be and not your beautiful true self!

You see, this isn't about you being too emotional, too nice, or not playing it cool enough. This is about you being who you really are!

It's also about guarding this beautiful heart and soul of yours and not giving yourself away to someone you don’t even know yet. It’s about being your true emotional self but also bringing in that practical side that we forget to bring along all too often so that she can give us her honest assessment of whether or not he’s worthy of all you have to offer him – because you do have so much to offer!

It’s not about playing hard to get, but actually being hard to get because you know that no man is worth dropping your own life, your own interests, your own friends and family for.

No matter how tempting it is for us to rush into things, to get so caught up in being in love and letting our emotions run wild because we’re so ready to be done looking for love, it's never worth it. The reality is that the only thing this kind of reaction does is get us so caught up in our fantasies  - that are the farthest thing from reality - that we can’t get bring ourselves to get out once we’re in. And that’s what takes so much time!

Going through this process of falling so hard so fast and losing ourselves in another human being only to find out too late that you weren't on the same page, only hurts us in the end. Then we spend so much time in the recovery process – letting go and getting over someone who wasn't right for us if we had just taken the time in the beginning to find this out before investing so much of ourselves. It’s no wonder it’s hard to justify ending something that we've invested so much of ourselves in!

Take that time in the beginning. Slow things down. Make him wait for you. Keep living your own beautiful life that you've created for yourself and let him be a part of all this slowly enough so you can see just how compatible he really is with you. If he’s not the one for you, you want to find this out sooner, not later, before you've invested so much of your beautiful you!

It doesn't matter who he is, what he has to offer, or how much of a catch he seems to be; you’re the catch, my beautiful friend! You save your own beautiful, feeling, loving, giving self for someone who is looking for those qualities in you.

If he’s right for you and this is meant to be, there’s nothing you ever need to be except yourself. And that's true regardless of how nice, how emotional, or how whatever else you are!

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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