move on

His Actions Make Me Want to Scream!

Our beautiful friend, Ruby, is going through something that so many of us have experienced at one time or another. Her boyfriend is being hot and cold, and becoming distant, then telling her that he can't talk about it! Of course she wants to scream!

Her Story:

I started talking to a guy for about 3 months, everything seemed so great and moving faster than I expected for sure. He didn't directly ask me to be his girlfriend but he did imply and when people asked that's what he said.

I loved the attention I was getting from him and he even said he loved me which definitely thought was soon but I felt bad and I did say it back quietly and guilt-full I guess you could say.

He was always praising me always wanting to spend time with me. I loved the attention and the affection. One day he ignored me for about a day and then randomly text me he was going through something personal he could not share with anyone.

I am not sure what to make of it, he said he would delete me off facebook and other social sites because seeing me on there would only make it harder, he never deleted me and later just told me he wanted to stay friends.

I told him I was OK with that, he came by my place once after that and we did ended sleeping together and he stood the night held my hand and he still texted me for days after and there are days he doesn't text me and when he does he calls me babe or names he did when we were "together".

I am not sure what to make of this it bothers me.

I don't know if I should tell him how I feel and just delete him from my life or just act like it doesn't bother me and stay friends or just walk away and delete him from my life without saying anything at all.

I do have a daughter and I know that he would bringing up meeting her and I explained when the time was right he could but he would have to meet her father as well, he had said he didn't have a problem but later said my daughters father made him uncomfortable but when I asked him how? because they have never met he just kept saying he didn't know and in general he made him feel uncomfortable...giving me no information at all.

It seems like he cannot communicate his feelings. I don't know if maybe this was something that pushed him away or I cannot say I believe that he says he is going through something he can not tell anyone? I want to go about this gracefully and not overreact but everything in me just wants to scream my feelings at the top of my lungs in his face lol.

My Response:

Dear Ruby,

Of course it's frustrating when someone behaves like this with us and it makes no sense from where we stand. But the reality is, it always makes sense to them, no matter what we think about it. This is what he needs right now, this is where he's at. He may not even know himself what's going on for him, but he does know that giving himself some space on all levels when he needs it, feels better to him.

And he's letting you know by his words and his actions where he stands and what he needs, even as it's so frustrating to not understand or have this make any sense to you.

The absolute best thing you can do is know that it doesn't have anything to do with you personally. This is all about him, and what ever is going on with him and what ever you do or don't do or what you did or didn't do doesn't make a difference.

If two people are going to be in a real relationship, it takes both people to want to be there, to be on the same page with each other and looking for the same thing - with each other. Without that kind of same page compatibility, you know you wouldn't be happy anyway.

You can always try, of course, because this is always yours to decide what you want to do with it. Whether you're willing to have some kind of relationship on his terms of what he's said he's capable of, or if you want to move on with your own life apart from him. It's always about what you can live with and what you can't. So do what brings you a sense of peace and calm - and happiness! - and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. That's how you know you've done what's right for you.

Know that you're so not alone here, Ruby. It can be infuriating to know what things could be like for the two of you if only he could see it, too. But that's the whole point here, it's not up to you to bring him around, he has to want to for himself. And only you know if he's worth waiting for while he figures out what he's doing for himself.

You're always the one doing the choosing here, Ruby, don't ever forget that.

I hope this helps a little.

Love,

Jane

How about you - what do you think Ruby should do in this situation? Share your thoughts with us in the comments!

Should I Maintain a Platonic Relationship With Him?

18 Comments

A beautiful brunette woman is laying on her couch looking at her phone upset with a text from a guy that just wants a platonic relationship Hi Jane,

I started dating a great guy in February and my feelings for him had grown and he said he felt the same. Recently, we finally accepted the fact that we weren't good for each other.

I've realized that I'm not ready for a relationship, but we both said we could be friends. Maybe I just miss the comfort of having him around and being to call him or text him whenever I wanted to. I don't see him as much and barely talk to him. He was really easy to talk to and I viewed us as friends before a crush or a partner.

He's the kind of person that I'd rather have in my life as a friend than not have at all.

I don't know if I'm doing the right thing... He asked if I wanted to meet up last weekend, which I did. I didn't feel an emotional connection. There was a physical one, but I don't know if we should pursue that. I don't know if I should text him whenever or ask him to meet up whenever I want to.

Are there rules to how this works? I'm really confused...

Thanks,

Chanel

My Response:

No rules, Chanel, just what works for you, what you can live with, what your own terms are, and what you need. You'll know by his response what part of what you want works for both of you. It doesn't have to be complicated.

Keep it simple.

But hold your own beautiful heart in a special place so that it doesn't get broken believing that this could be more than it is. If it could be, it will be.

But in the process of being friends, or trying to remain friends after a break up, sometimes we can be confused into accepting an arrangement or someone else's terms that doesn't serve you well. So keep your head, don't get more involved in a friendship than is comfortable for you.

There are other men out there and it will be different than it was with him with someone else.

Maybe find some other ways to get your needs met that make it easier to have some space if it starts to feel complicated - you'll know what that means if you find that happening.

It takes time to move on, and it's very hard to move on from someone if they're still very much a part of your life. Only you know what that looks like for you, but give yourself some time and space if it feels like that might be what you need. Times change, seasons change, your outlook will change, too, as time goes by and you find yourself focusing more on yourself and what kind of a beautiful life you want to create for yourself.

An ending like this can be a new beginning, a time to explore possibilities you hadn't thought of before, and give you a fresh new start to your life. Take what resonates with you here, Chanel, and sit with the rest. In time, if you listen to your own heart and be true to yourself, you'll know what the next steps are.

One step at a time. You'll get there.

Love,

Jane

What do you think Chanel should do? Tell us about it in the comments!

We Reconnected After 20 Years And Then He Disappeared!

39 Comments

One of our beautiful readers, Tracey, sent in the following story about a man she reconnected with after 20 years who then pulled the disappearing act! She allowed me to share the story with all of you so that we can all learn from this all too common experience.

Her letter:

Hi Jane, I'm one of your followers from the UK, and i need your help.

I fell for the trap of somebody returning to my life after 20 years !!!

I was madly in love with him back then, but our relationship ended and he went onto marry somebody else. He separated at the end of last year, and in the January of this year he found me on facebook (ahh facebook, bringing people together).

We chatted non stop on facebook and by phone for 6 weeks for hours at a time.

It was like time had stood still.

Where had 20 years gone? Anyway, long story short, it was a long distance thing, but we did meet up for a weekend initially in February. It was great.

After that weekend we carried on chatting, although less frequently, and met again in July for a weekend. I met some of his friends, but then I started to realize that there were red flags popping up.

There was a woman - married, still with her husband I might add with a young child who was very obviously making a play for him. He did mention her, but said she was just a good friend, and he didn't think of her in that way!!!

She also called in to see him whilst I was visiting. We all sat and chatted for a while and then she left. She was always popping up on his FB page and then started leaving little cryptic messages and photos she had taken with him in them.

A few days after my July visit he sent me a message saying that he didn't like me discussing him/us with mutual friends - red flag again.

He was quite harsh actually. Why did he not want people to know about us?

Well, I guess he was keeping his options open, and probably didn't want this other woman to know anything was going on so she could carry on stroking his ego. I truly believe that they are having some kind of relationship. Call it a gut feeling if you like.

He must be a fool to have a relationship with somebody right on his doorstep especially as she is married with a child. He has 2 young children by the way, and shares custody with his ex.

Anyway after the harsh message about keeping things a secret, I didn't hear anything for about 3 days and then it was just a brief message to say he was going on holiday with the children for a few days. After that as I didn't hear from him.

So after 3 weeks of silence I deleted him and her from FB, I guess so I couldn't "stalk" their profiles. Did I do the right thing or was that the wrong thing to do?

I guess I did it for my own sanity really. We were intimate during my 2 visits, so I suppose what hurts more than anything is that I feel so used, yes and stupid for falling for him again. You'd think I'd know better at nearly 50 years old.

He left me with a broken heart 20 odd years ago, and I never really got over that. I suppose I thought things would be different this time around, but looking back I guess some people don't change.

Oh Jane, how do I move on from this?

I realize now that I bought into the fantasy of what it could have been rather than the reality of what it actually was. How could he hurt me and cast me aside so easily? I guess I was just an ego stroke, and somebody that he knew held him in high esteem. More fool me!!!

Why couldn't he just man up and say he didn't want me rather than just disappear?

It's so cowardly and disrespectful that a grown man could act this way to another person especially when he was the one who pursued me so vigorously in the beginning.

I guess I wasn't pretty enough, funny enough, maybe I was just plain boring, who knows.

All I do know with certainty is I am heartbroken once again, by somebody who didn't treat me with care and respect. Any words of wisdom Jane would be greatly appreciated. Thank you for your time and all the best from across the "Pond".

– Tracey

My Response:

Dear Tracey,

First of all, know that this wasn't about you at all, my beautiful friend. You didn't do anything wrong.

There's nothing wrong with you.

You weren't not enough of anything.

It is everything you say, you get all this, you understand exactly what happened when you think of it from a practical view.

He wasn't there, he never was, and yes, he took complete advantage of you.

And I know, it hurts, you feel so many emotions because it's so hard not to think of it emotionally and beat yourself up here, but don't.

You did what any believing, fantasizing, loving, caring, woman might have done - you got caught up in the romantic fantasy, the romantic ideal we all share to some extent, of what now, after so many years, might be! Don't take any of this personally, he's caught up in a game that you don't want any part of, and now you know.

So stop first and foremost with being so hard on yourself, Tracey. It doesn't matter how old you are, you're human. Give yourself a break.

Accept that this is what happened and whether or not it should have or not, whether he shouldn't have been able to treat you like this, whether he should have been a better human being than this, what happened happened.

Get it all out.

Write a letter to him, but don't send it.

Tell him everything you want to say, but don't do anything with it except use it to get your thoughts and feelings out because men like this don't care. As much as we want them to, they don't and that's why they can do this.

Forgive him, forgive yourself.

Accept he is who he is and you are who you are and be so glad you didn't get involved with him years ago and end up married to him living like this for more than a short season!

Laugh about if you can get there, and be so glad you have your own life and not his. Can you laugh at how crazy it is that he would think that he can behave like he did and have you not see right through it?

Separate as much as you can from this whole thing. You did the best with what you knew at the time, and now you know what he's really like, and you can accept the reality and put this all behind you. You've been saved from anything more!

I know the intimacy is tough to let go of, but know that even there, it was more of a fantasy than reality and there's no reason to be hard on yourself.

And then when you're ready, be done with him.

Tear up what you wrote to him, realize he is not worth wasting one more second of your beautiful time and energy on, and then forgive yourself and him again anytime you're tempted to go there and think about him again.

Celebrate your humanness, your ability to believe in love and that romantic believer you are. Those are beautiful qualities, Tracey, when you're with the right guy.

It's crazy what a guy can do.

I've found it especially healing to write whenever an old memory came up that made me doubt myself or be hard on myself - you may find this helpful, too.

But most of all, since what keeps us stuck is usually our own beating ourselves up and being so hard on ourselves, the more you can do to reinforce all the beautiful qualities about yourself and what you know to be true, by spending time doing the things you love to do, are passionate about doing and make you feel good about yourself, the easier it will be to move on for you.

Can you take a vacation? Can you give yourself a change of scenery by redecorating or creating something new? Can you follow a new dream, a new idea, a new project, a new cause - something like that?

Because it's when you focus on you, when you focus on what you do well and what makes you feel good about yourself, you'll find him fading into the background.

I hope this helps a little. It'll get easier in time.

Infuse as much humor as you can into your life, Tracey, as I find this to be such a cure-all with some of the experiences I've been through, once you can get to that. But in general, be so gentle on yourself and your heart.

It's OK. All of it. We do the best with what we know at the time. At any age!

Lots of love to you,

Jane

What do you think? Any other advice for our beautiful, kind-hearted friend Tracey on how to move on? Tell us about it in the comments!

Do I Need to Move On?

6 Comments

Our beautiful friend Olivia is wondering if she needs more patience, or if she just needs to move on. Read on for her story:

Dear Jane,

I'm 24 and have been dating my boyfriend, who is 25, for 2 years now.

When I first met him, he had never really dated or been in a long term relationship. His reasoning was that he just never had the interest or the time to invest. Our first year of dating we rushed into things, moved in together and found that it was quite different then we had assumed.

He's thoughtful, but it seems to be in all the wrong ways. He will tell me I'm beautiful a million times a day, yet refuses to acknowledge things like when I state that we should go out and do something romantic or exciting. I've always tried to lead by example; I've even just taken myself out on dates thinking that it may click.

He tells me that he doesn't understand what I want, I am being too needy. The biggest problem is lack of responsibility. A year ago, we had a very intense falling out which led to us moving out of our beautiful apartment. The falling out was a concoction of him not having a job, me getting too angry. It was more or less a severe lack of understanding and responsibility on both ends.

We both moved in with family and began to work on things. About 3 months of working on things and he started to come stay with me. It's been a year now, and we live with my parents. I am 24... I should not be living with my parents with my boyfriend of 2 years! Constantly I remind him that we are adults, we need to do something about this.

I once got as far as setting myself up with roommates and when I told him of this, he threatened to leave me because that was appropriate.

There always seems to be something, his car breaks down, he loses his job, he needs to pay debt and when the money issues go away it turns into, "Well you just get too angry about everything. I don't know if we should live together." But we do live together!

I am angry because I've patiently waited over a year, I've saved the money, I've looked around, I've found him new jobs and I've supported him in every aspect thus far in fear that will think I am not being sensitive enough. I love him. I love him with all of my heart, he loves me but he just can't grow up. He's sensitive, but I feel like he is taking advantage of me.

Do I need to have more patience? Do I need to move on?

I don't want these past 2 years of hard work to be for nothing. Staying and leaving both feel equally terrible.

My Response:

Dear Olivia,

I hear you. You love this guy, you just want things to be different! This is really difficult, because it sounds to me like he loves you, like he wants to be with you, too, but he's got these issues that are huge for him - and you. Have you heard of the term enabler? Because my first thought as I was reading your email, is that this guy has got it so good with you. You find him jobs, you save up money, you find a place for both of you, you take him in when things aren't working out for him, he's basically got it made with you.

He doesn't really have any reason to grow up, because other than you getting angry with him sometimes for not growing up and doing some of this work himself - which is completely understandable - he has got everything he could ever want with you. You are the perfect complement to him. Whatever he lacks, you make up for it.

You are more than patient, more than understanding, more than the perfect girlfriend to him. And yes, you've invested a lot of time and energy in this relationship and in him, so of course the thought of giving it up feels awful, and yet, the thought of living another two years like this is probably not what you have in mind either.

It really comes down to you. And what you can and can't live with. What a deal breaker is to you, and whether or not you're going to be ok continuing to live like this indefinitely if nothing changes on his end.

Because he doesn't have a whole lot of reason to change or motivation to do anything different when you keep taking care of things for him.

But on the other hand, if he knows how you feel, and you've communicated this with him, then he does know you're not happy living like this and you want to see some changes. The question is this: Is he capable of making the changes you want to see in him? Is he able to grow up and become more responsible, more of the man you want him to be?

Only you know what he's worth to you, what the relationship is worth to you the way it is, not the way you want it to be. So you have to decide what living like this with him versus not living like this without him is worth to you. It doesn't have to be all or nothing. You can stop doing all the things you do for him to see if he picks up the slack and see what that looks like. You can keep showing him by your actions what you are and are not willing to put up with. And if you decide that you really can't do this while still living at your parents' house with him, then you can ask him to leave and just go back to dating him to see what that looks like and feels like to both of you.

Maybe he just wants someone to take care of him and the responsibilities of life - if that's really what he's looking for, can you live with that? Sometimes love looks different than how we pictured it. Only you know what you can and can't live with.

But whatever you decide, Oliva, know that if this relationship is meant to be, it will be. But only if both of you are on the same page and want the same thing and are willing to do what it takes to make this work.

I hope this gives you some things to think about. It's tough when you love someone and yet there's a big "but" that goes with those words. You do know deep in your heart what the answer is here, and sometimes, the answers come simply by focusing back on you and your life and letting him fade into the distance so that what he does or doesn't do doesn't matter as much. Sometimes, we just need to keep living our own life and doing the things that make us happy, and the answers come to us when we least expect it.

Love,

Jane

Do you have any other ideas, advice or encouragement for Olivia? Tell us in the comments!

The Dance of Letting Go

17 Comments

If you've found yourself struggling to let go of someone you know isn't right for you, who you know isn't on the same page as you, but it’s just so hard to give up on the dream you had for both of you and you still want to believe in the possibility of a miracle, well, you’re not alone. It's one of the most common questions I'm asked.

How do I let him go? How do I move on? How will I ever get on with my life? How do I finally break free of this hold he has on me? You get the idea.

We all want to know the secret to just letting go and not going back. But the reality is that there is no secret. Each of us comes to it in our own way. We finally come to the realization that what we've been doing isn't working. If that realization means we need to let go of someone that isn't right for us, then we also have our own individual way of letting go and moving on.

And for most of us it looks more like a dance of one step forward, two steps back then a cut and dry ending with no looking back.

We start out standing firm in our newly found resolve, feeling our fresh confidence, then find ourselves falling back, full of new fears and self-doubts that reel us back in again. We get a little stronger each time, repeating this back and forth pattern several times until eventually we come to a point where the clarity is finally there and we see what we have to do.

The exact process is different for everyone based on your own unique situation, but what’s most important is to be gentle with yourself and resist the urge to beat yourself up for taking the long way around. It took you a long time to get as involved as you have; it will take you a long time to get un-involved. And along the way, in this process, it helps to remember a few important things.

If it’s meant to be, it will be.
If he’s really worth it, you’ll find that out.
If he’s not, you’ll see that, too.
Sometimes you can still be friends, but most of the time, you can’t be.
Do you really want to still be friends? Or is this just a way to hold on to false hope and more of the same?
You can always change your mind; if he’s not able to accept a change of heart, this confirms what you already knew.
You will eventually be able to let go because at some point things will become crystal clear as you start to see things more objectively.
It doesn’t matter how long it takes to let go of someone and move on. Some people can do this in a moment, but for most of us hopeless romantic, optimistic believer types it can take weeks, months or even years.
The only reason to speed up this process is to get on with our lives; if we’re not there yet, it’s ok.
You absolutely need support to get through this!

I’m sure I’ve forgotten a point or two, so if you’re currently going through this or have already experienced this, please add your additional points in the comments. We all need to know we’re not alone!

Should I Wait and Hope He Changes His Mind?

13 Comments

Here's a letter sent in by one of our beautiful readers, and I find that the questions she asks and the themes here are very common (the letter has been slightly edited for anonymity):

"Dear Jane - I was seeing a man for just under a year, everything was great, except he would not tell people we were together. He was going through a divorce, which happened before we met. I met his family and got along great with them. At times he did see other women when we were together. We had a vacation together in the summer, it was all beautiful. But just before the beginning of the year he told me that he doesn't love me and doesn't think he ever will have feelings for me on that level. He also told me that he doesn't see me in a romantic way, but he said he does think of me as his best friend and he respects me more than any other woman he's ever been with. He asked if we could still be friends, but I said no. I was too upset. However, since then, we have exchanged a few text messages, and he still asks if I'd have sex with him, to which I say no. It's so hard for me, I love this man, I really do. I don't get how a guy can spend Christmas with me, his choice, he asked me, we had such a great time, take me to his parents and spend a family evening, then 3 days later end it. He is in his late thirties, so he isn't a child. He has children as do I. I'm heart broken, but another guy is interested in me. Do I forget about him, and start again, or wait and hope he changes his mind? I really thought this man cared for me, after a year I stupidly even thought he loved me. It hurts, please help me."

My Response:

This is one of those times that you really need to hear what he's saying and believe him even if it doesn't make any sense to you. It wasn't stupid to think that he loved you; it's what it seemed like to you and would have seemed like to anyone else in your position. Don't beat yourself up here; just be glad he's being this honest with you, even if it hurts, even if you don't understand it. By being honest about how he feels, you're being given a gift so that you can move on with your life and free yourself up for someone who will love you and who will see you in both a romantic way and as a best friend.

You deserve nothing less than this; and as much as you want to believe that waiting a little longer for him to change, to come around and commit to you, the reality is, you can't change change him. You can't make him love you. If it's going to be, if the two of you are meant to be together, it will happen but not because you wait around to see if anything changes, but because both of you would be on the same page and wanting the same thing. That's what makes it work.

You deserve nothing less than that, and the sooner you can accept his answer and move on, the easier this will all be for you. I know it's not easy, but for whatever reason that has nothing to do with you, this is the choice he has made. But you also have a choice. Instead of seeing it as yet another loss, try and see that you are free; free to focus your time and energy on yourself and doing the work to figure out what you can do differently to attract someone into your life who will be everything that you so deserve. Free to be with someone who wants to be with you.

Don't let anyone else into your life who doesn't first show you that he is worthy of you and all that you have to offer. Make sure he's worth your beautiful heart, your beautiful you.

What do you think? Any other words of advice or encouragement for our sister reader? Tell us in the comments!

M	T	W	T	F	S	S
			1	2	3	4
5	6	7	8	9	10	11
12	13	14	15	16	17	18
19	20	21	22	23	24	25
26	27	28	29	30	31

His Actions Make Me Want to Scream!

Her Story:

My Response:

Should I Maintain a Platonic Relationship With Him?

My Response:

We Reconnected After 20 Years And Then He Disappeared!

Her letter:

My Response:

There's nothing wrong with you.

Get it all out.

It's crazy what a guy can do.

Do I Need to Move On?

My Response:

The Dance of Letting Go

Should I Wait and Hope He Changes His Mind?

My Response:

Latest Tweets

Recent Comments

Calendar