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His Side of the Story

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A man and a woman are having a serious discussion over dinner while he is telling her his side of the story.“I've never treated anyone as bad as I treated you, Jane. I just wasn't there but I didn't know how to communicate this to you.”

It was the other side of the story, the one I never heard before.

But now, with a new life and a new, more confident me, I had sought out the guy who had broken my heart just a few years earlier to see if he would meet up with me when I was back in town.

He agreed to, and we did, although if I was honest with myself, I was looking for more than just an explanation. I also wanted to see what might still be there now that time and distance was now between us and I was finally feeling confident on my own.

You know, that “let him see me now with how much I've changed and see if what couldn't be back then, might be possible be now” kind of story we all want to see.

And so over pasta in a hip little restaurant in the trendy West end of my hometown Vancouver, I asked him what I never had the courage to ask when I found myself sick over our relationship a few short years ago: “Why?”

He didn't know.

He couldn't answer me.

Except to say that he knew he had never treated anyone as badly as me – as badly as I knew in my heart I had allowed him to treat me.

Continue Reading

I Don't Know What Went Wrong

17 Comments

A beautiful woman in a black dress is upset, holding her head, wondering what she did wrong to make her boyfriend leave her.One of our beautiful readers, Tulip, was in a short relationship that seemed to be going really well, then he suddenly become emotionally distant and broke it off. She's wondering what went wrong.

Here's her email:

Hi Jane.

Just recently I have broken up with my boyfriend of a year and a half.

He was a total jerk to me.

Never had the time to come see me when he had time (we lived two hours away from each other) and never wanted to talk on the phone with me. Although a year and a half may not seem long to some people, but it's my longest and you can say, I loved him.

But he just wasn't that committed to this relationship and it was hard for me to break up with him and let go because I will be the one that hurts more and knowing that it won't startle him a bit if we break up, just makes me so angry and sad that I continue to make myself miserable by staying with him.

It wasn't until I met another guy that made me realize I had so much more potential by myself than I ever will with my boyfriend at the time.

This new guy, let's call him Tinman, made me laugh, interacted with me and told me about all his adventures that he has had (note: I'm 21 and Tinman is 27) and it made me want to be a part of his life.

After talking to Tinman for about a week, I became strong enough to let go of my boyfriend.

After that, Tinman and I became closer and talked more often learning about each other's experiences. Tinman is a very outgoing person, loved being near the river and loved nature. I thought maybe this person and I might work out since we had a lot of things in common and Tinman agreed.

Actually he was the first one that said to me that we have a lot of things in common.

Three weeks pass and we're still talking like how we did when we first met (just a little bit more comfortable now) and he, being Asian, has never dated an Asian girl before and me, being a particular Asian, has never dated anyone out of my own ethnicity before. He asked if I would like to give this a try.

But because of our age difference, I asked him if he thinks I am too childish for him. What he said next really took my heart, "I think you have a long journey and many things to see. I can help you with that."

This is the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me.

His response let me know that maybe we might work out. One night we went to hang out at his place and he kissed me but I stopped him and said that we should take time in this relationship because I really like him a lot and I don't want to ruin anything.

He agreed and said the same thing back.

We continued to text each other for the next two days and make jokes around with each other. But the second night that we hung out at his place, he leaned in to kiss me again but I stopped him, said a stupid joke that the last time he kissed me, it was my first kiss.

His response was, "really?"

I laughed and told him it was a joke and after that, he just stopped interacting with me and stopped being interested in what I have to say. When I got home that night, I asked him if I did anything wrong, he said I didn't do anything wrong and enjoyed my company.

The next day, he didn't text me back like how he usually would and I had a feeling it was about last night. So, I text him how he felt about last night and he said that he talked to his friend earlier the other day and she suggested him that he should date someone his own age and he text me that he agrees with her, then told me we should just be friends.

I asked him if he took me as a joke from the beginning. He replied, "No. I thought this was going somewhere, but every time we hangout, there is a misconnection. I don't know what it is".

And I told him that it was fun hanging out with him and told him that he made me realize that I have so much more potential by myself than I ever will. His last text was, "it was fun hanging out with you".

I don't know what went wrong.

I feel very bad and I am so bummed out because I really like him and although we have been only talking and hanging out with each other for three weeks, I felt that I have shared so many moments with him. I can't stop thinking about Tinman and I really want to text him back but I feel like it would make me look desperate.

I hate myself for making that stupid joke and I keep on wondering how things would've went if I had just let him kiss me. I have a bunch of questions in my head of why he had the sudden change of heart.

Did I not seem as easy as I did? Was he lying about not taking me as a joke? I don't know.

I just wish I can go back in time and change what I did that night. I really like him a lot. Now my days are just miserable. I try to do other things that will occupy my mind but almost everything I do, reminds me of him and the three weeks we shared together.

What do you think about this situation Jane? I would love to hear your thoughts and advice.

Thanks for your time.

- Tulip

My Response:

Don't look back, Tulip.

For all the regrets you have for what you wish you had done differently, there are so many other possible scenarios that could have resulted from you doing everything the way you wanted to.

The fact of the matter is you were yourself.

You said what you felt you wanted to say at that moment in time.

You did what you thought you wanted to do at that same moment.

You acted the way that came most naturally to you.

And yet because it's gone, because he's gone, you've turned on the one person who it's so easy to blame here; you. You beat yourself up over and over again for being who you were at that time.

There's no one who's as harsh with yourself here as you!

But there's a reason these things happen. Our true selves can never hide themselves for very long. It wasn't just about anything that happened that one night; it was about the bigger picture that came through to him that was about him and not you.

Don't look back at the fairy tale version of what you believe things would have looked like, Tulip.

You have absolutely no way of knowing how things with him would have gone if you only done or said what you wish you had done instead that night you're putting everything on.

You did the best you could with what you knew at the time!

And if he was right for you, if you were both on the same page, what you said or didn't say or did or didn't do that night would never have been a deal breaker for him. But by the time it came to you, you can know that this is what you actually want, no matter how much you fight it and want it to be different.

That's how you find your peace in acceptance. It begins with you.

By accepting yourself for who you are and where you're at, regardless of what that looks like in someone else's eyes. You didn't do anything wrong.

Whatever you did, whatever you didn't do, even if it wasn't what you would normally do, in that moment you were being yourself.

Look past your own vision and accept and trust that there's someone or something bigger than yourself out there that knows better what you need, then you can accept that you actually did yourself the biggest favor ever.

By being who you are in that moment, no matter what that looked like, you brought about what you actually wanted in the long run.

People come into our lives for a reason, no matter how difficult it is to accept this or see it for ourselves when we're struggling with our own definition of what that reason is. You don't have to know what it is, you only need to believe that there is one.

Could it be he gave you the courage to let go of the previous man in your life? Can you let it be enough that, as you say, "… he made me realize that I have so much more potential by myself than I ever will"?

You can never ruin something unless someone is willing to let it be ruined.

But the greatest lesson in this, Tulip, is recognizing that these types of experiences that we're so quick to label as rejections of our beautiful hearts are never as they appear.

Don't give him so much of your power. If it's meant to be, it will be; either because of you or in spite of you. You can't mess up something that both people don’t want to mess up!

This living and loving has to be with someone who is on the same page with you, who wants the same thing you want with you and who's willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen!

Don't ever settle for anything less than that no matter how much potential you see in someone or what emotions they trigger in you. Love is never miserable, it never hurts, it never has you beating yourself up over it.

If you ever feel any of that, don't call it love.

I hope this helps give you an outside perspective, Tulip.

Love,

Jane

This feeling of regret for what could have been is so common for so many of us. Do you have anything to tell Tulip from your own personal experience? Please share your thoughts with her in the comments.

Should I Just Move On?

51 Comments

A beautiful woman sits near her emotionally distant boyfriend looking sad as she wonders if she should just move on.One of our dear readers (who has asked to remain anonymous, so I've chosen to call her "Flower") has a boyfriend who is very loving and caring one moment, then suddenly becomes emotionally distant.

She's wondering if she should move on, or if there's something she can do that will make him want to be with her.

Here's her story:

I have been dating this guy for two years, today is actually our anniversary, which he has not mentioned at all whatsoever.

As soon as I tell you all this you are going to say 'dump him & move on' but I just can't.

Sometimes I want to, but other times I look at him and think of all the good parts of our relationship & I just can't.

When things are good they are great, like amazing, he's caring and loving and all that. But he grows very distant for at least a week once a month.

During these times he claims we spend too much time together and he just wants to be free, when in reality we only spend weekends together and he doesn't even have many friends anymore to hang out with.

He claims we are too close and he doesn't want to settle down (and I'm not ready for that either, but I like the idea of having a future with him). So I give him a week away, although it kills me and sometimes I may still bother him, but in any case, he comes running back saying he missed me and acts like nothing is wrong.

I am always there for him, but he is not always there for me back, because we get too close and he gets scared.

I was reading before about how their relationship with their dad are a big factor, and his dad abandoned him when he was like 5 and they haven't spoken since he was 13.

He doesn't ever buy me little things to show he was thinking of me and it's not like I ask for much. He doesn't tell me that he loves me, I think he said it to me 4 times in our whole two years, because he keeps comparing me to old relationships.

We work together now too and all he wants to do is talk business, and I don't want to be all business.

How do I change that?

There is so much more to say, but I could go on for days. Basically, I love him and I want him to be the one because I think he can be if he just lets me in.

So what can I do to make him let me in and want to be with me?

Or should I just move on and if it's meant to be it will be?

My Response:

Dear Flower,

It's never as simple as "dump him & move on" when it's your relationship you're talking about. Our feelings run so deep, our expectations are so wrapped up in the time we've invested in someone, that of course you need something more than just those words that are easy for someone else to say who hasn't walked in your shoes.

You want to know there's some other way.

And there is.

You take back your own power before you give him or your relationship one more thought.

How do you do this?

You accept the reality of what is, of who he is, of how he treats you, of his need for space. You accept that you can't change him by trying to show him your worth, by playing games with him, or by trying to convince him of anything that he doesn't come to on his own.

You accept that the only person you can change is yourself and because of that, you are the one who is completely in control of this relationship, no matter how much it seems that he holds the cards.

He doesn't. You do.

And from this place of acceptance that you can only change yourself and not him, you ask yourself what you it is you really want. What is he worth to you? What is being with him - having in your life on his own terms that he has clearly defined for you – worth to you versus having everything you want from someone who can give it to you but isn't him, worth to you?

  • Can you live with his need for space and the high value he places on his own freedom?
  • Can you live with him not buying you small tokens that you equate with him showing he's thinking of you?
  • Can you live with him only telling you he loves you 4 times in the whole two years you've been together?
  • Can you live with being compared to his other relationships?
  • Can you live with rarely talking about what you want to talk about instead of what he wants to talk about?
  • Can you live with all the things you say you could go on and on about for days?

Because this is the point. You say you love him. But what really do you love about him? What does that really mean when you look at what you're getting from him and what you're longing for from him? How do you reconcile the two?

This is the reality that we fight so hard in the name of what we call love.

It's not about you wanting him to be the one "because I think he can be if he just lets me in." That's such a huge "if" that has everything to do with him and nothing to do with you. We can waste away so much of our beautiful lives waiting for that if only moment that so rarely ever comes and at such a great expense to our own self-esteem and self-confidence.

So, you ask, "what can I do to make him let me in and want to be with me? Or should I just move on and if its meant to be it will be?"

Focus on you, Flower.

Create your own life despite what he does or doesn't do. Decide what you can live with and don't worry about how much time you've already invested in him or what anyone else will think.

You only answer to you. If it's space he wants, holding on tighter to him or becoming more demanding of him or resenting him for being himself isn't going to help. It isn't going to change him. You have to do what you need to do for you. If you choose to move on, if it's meant to be it absolutely will be.

But you can't be the only one who wants this. What's meant to be comes about because of two people who are on the same page who want the same thing with each other and are both willing to do what it takes to make that happen. That's how "what's meant to be" happens.

But what matters right now is what is. Can you live with everything that's in that reality of today? It's not just today, but tomorrow and the next day and the next? Can you live like this with him if nothing changes? This is your life, not his.

You're the only one who can answer this.

I hope this helps you see your way clear.

Love,

Jane

It's a familiar road for so many of us. What do you think? Should Flower just move on? Share your thoughts, your own stories, and any advice you may have for her in the comments.

His Actions Make Me Want to Scream!

20 Comments

A beautiful woman is holding her head and screaming because of her boyfriends actions - he's distant and says he can't talk about it.Our beautiful friend, Ruby, is going through something that so many of us have experienced at one time or another. Her boyfriend is being hot and cold, and becoming distant, then telling her that he can't talk about it! Of course she wants to scream!

Her Story:

I started talking to a guy for about 3 months, everything seemed so great and moving faster than I expected for sure. He didn't directly ask me to be his girlfriend but he did imply and when people asked that's what he said.

I loved the attention I was getting from him and he even said he loved me which definitely thought was soon but I felt bad and I did say it back quietly and guilt-full I guess you could say.

He was always praising me always wanting to spend time with me. I loved the attention and the affection. One day he ignored me for about a day and then randomly text me he was going through something personal he could not share with anyone.

I am not sure what to make of it, he said he would delete me off facebook and other social sites because seeing me on there would only make it harder, he never deleted me and later just told me he wanted to stay friends.

I told him I was OK with that, he came by my place once after that and we did ended sleeping together and he stood the night held my hand and he still texted me for days after and there are days he doesn't text me and when he does he calls me babe or names he did when we were "together".

I am not sure what to make of this it bothers me.

I don't know if I should tell him how I feel and just delete him from my life or just act like it doesn't bother me and stay friends or just walk away and delete him from my life without saying anything at all.

I do have a daughter and I know that he would bringing up meeting her and I explained when the time was right he could but he would have to meet her father as well, he had said he didn't have a problem but later said my daughters father made him uncomfortable but when I asked him how? because they have never met he just kept saying he didn't know and in general he made him feel uncomfortable...giving me no information at all.

It seems like he cannot communicate his feelings. I don't know if maybe this was something that pushed him away or I cannot say I believe that he says he is going through something he can not tell anyone? I want to go about this gracefully and not overreact but everything in me just wants to scream my feelings at the top of my lungs in his face lol.

My Response:

Dear Ruby,

Of course it's frustrating when someone behaves like this with us and it makes no sense from where we stand. But the reality is, it always makes sense to them, no matter what we think about it. This is what he needs right now, this is where he's at. He may not even know himself what's going on for him, but he does know that giving himself some space on all levels when he needs it, feels better to him.

And he's letting you know by his words and his actions where he stands and what he needs, even as it's so frustrating to not understand or have this make any sense to you.

The absolute best thing you can do is know that it doesn't have anything to do with you personally. This is all about him, and what ever is going on with him and what ever you do or don't do or what you did or didn't do doesn't make a difference.

If two people are going to be in a real relationship, it takes both people to want to be there, to be on the same page with each other and looking for the same thing - with each other. Without that kind of same page compatibility, you know you wouldn't be happy anyway.

You can always try, of course, because this is always yours to decide what you want to do with it. Whether you're willing to have some kind of relationship on his terms of what he's said he's capable of, or if you want to move on with your own life apart from him. It's always about what you can live with and what you can't. So do what brings you a sense of peace and calm - and happiness! - and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. That's how you know you've done what's right for you.

Know that you're so not alone here, Ruby. It can be infuriating to know what things could be like for the two of you if only he could see it, too. But that's the whole point here, it's not up to you to bring him around, he has to want to for himself. And only you know if he's worth waiting for while he figures out what he's doing for himself.

You're always the one doing the choosing here, Ruby, don't ever forget that.

I hope this helps a little.

Love,

Jane

How about you - what do you think Ruby should do in this situation? Share your thoughts with us in the comments!

Three Things You Can Do When He’s Getting Emotionally Distant

328 Comments

A beautiful woman stands behind a man feeling sad because he seems distant.
Is it all in your head or is he getting distant?

Why do we sometimes hold on so tightly to something that isn’t working for us?

To someone that isn’t treating us the way we deserve to be treated? Who isn’t loving us the way we were meant to be loved?

You know the scenario – it starts off with fireworks, an amazing connection; you just can’t get enough of each other. Then suddenly, he’s not calling as much, he’s out with his buddies more than he’s out with you, or you just have some gut feeling that something has changed for him.

He seems distant.

Any time a relationship I was in started taking this kind of turn for the worse I did what so many of us do. I started hanging on tighter.

Yep. Break out the stranglehold.Continue Reading

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About Jane Garapick

Hi, I'm Jane Garapick. I'm here to provide inspiration, support and empowerment on the journey to true love. I know what it’s like to have a broken heart, a broken dream, and a broken you. And I know for a fact, that your dreams can still come true! Read more...
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