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Having the Confidence to Just Say "Next!"

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She's confident, so sure of herself, that everyone around her knows she's not going to accept anything less than she deserves. So full of confidence. A table card with the word "Next" sits on a white table.
Photo Credit: Copyright (c) 123RF Stock Photos"

What do you do when you're simply not the type who can just say "next!" when he doesn't call or when he won't give you the commitment you want? I know, it's not you. But you so want it to be.

You know exactly the type. She's got that mesmerizing confidence, so sure of herself, that everyone around her knows that she not only knows what she wants, but that she's not going to accept anything less. She's not going to sell herself short and she wouldn't dream of settling.

But you're not her, and you can only wonder how she got there. So full of confidence and sure of herself.

But what you don't know is that she never used to be this way either. She never used to be able to just say "next!" and let him go like that as soon as he wasn't treating her the way she knew she deserved. She had to learn how to do this just like you are going to learn to do this too, so that one day, you will be the one that everyone looks up to and wonders how you did it, how you got to be this strong and confident in yourself.

It begins with getting a life. It continues with living that life. It gets better with an unwavering commitment to yourself above all else.

It means having enough support for the real person that you are by people who love you and bring you up instead of tearing you down.

It means you know the difference between being alone and being lonely, and you're not afraid of either.

It means you know yourself well enough to like yourself. It means you choose to love yourself because you know you were created as you are for a reason, and you are here at this time and place for a reason bigger than you can understand.

It means you know your worth because you truly understand, and know in your heart that no one is worth more than anyone else. You really get that, and you don't feel the need to prove your worth to anyone. You say yes or you say no, but you don't respond out of guilt because you don't need to feel guilty, and you don't do things to try to please others because you know that the most important thing is to be true to yourself. Real people see though that and don't want a surface relationship like that with you!

It means you set and stick to your firm boundaries, you won't accept bad behavior and you know what that looks like. You know you've set the bar high enough and that you won't let anything less than what you really want slip through. You know you don't ever have to accept anything less than this because you know you control how people treat you by whether or not you allow them in your life if they aren't willing to live up to your standards!

It means you know you deserve nothing less than this and you refuse to let anyone, no matter who they are, treat you any other way because you know it's only in refusing to settle for anything less than you deserve, that you will eventually find only what you do deserve!

Once this has become your mantra, deeply ingrained in you, you will find that you surprise even yourself in how quickly you're able to say "Next!" when a man isn't treating you the way you know you deserve to be treated.

And then everyone will be looking at you, wondering how you got there.

How to Attract the Guy You Really Deserve and Avoid The Ones You Don't

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You've heard it said time and time again. You deserve so much more than this! You've even said it yourself more times than you care to remember.

But every time you say it, every time you decide that enough is enough and this time you are finally going to hold out for what you truly deserve, you continue to find yourself back right where you came from. As much as you don't want to.

But what does that really mean?

You think you get it.

You say you know you deserve someone who treats you well, is compatible with you, shares the same values, wants the same things in life, is attractive, communicates with you and has all the other signs of a healthy relationship. But why then, do you keep closing the door on the ones who have all this and do all this, while you keep the door open for the ones who don't?

While it may seem like it's just the common theme that we always want what we can't have, I believe there's another reason that this all-too-common scenario happens to us.Continue Reading

Be Confident: You Know Who You Really Are

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That internal voice - it's always there, undermining your confidence, silently eroding your self-esteem, but you know who you really are. A beautiful young woman is thinking about who she really is, and her confidence level.There's that little voice inside your head that seems to pop up whenever you're at your most vulnerable. Whenever you're already questioning yourself and what you're doing and whether or not you really do deserve the best that love and life have to offer.

For many of us, it's subtle and not loud enough to do too much damage. But for some of us, it's very loud. We never hear the actual words, but the damage it does to our hearts, our souls, our very beings, is catastrophic. It's always there, undermining your confidence, silently eroding your self-esteem.

It beats us down, keeps us down, and causes us to lose sight of our dreams, our goals, our hopes. It does the most damage to the most sensitive among us, who heard those words often enough in our lives from outside of ourselves that they are now just part of who we are.

We don't even question it.

It starts as subtle as being told to dream small. To protect ourselves by not expecting too much. Or it might be that we were laughed at when we had an idea that was all our own. It seemed brilliant to us, but to them, it was laughable, cute, funny. Which would be OK, if we weren't so serious.

So then, the next time, it's not surprising that we don't think it's so brilliant, and eventually, when we have these ideas, or think we can do something or become something or even try something, our very next thoughts are that it's laughable, cute, funny. Until, over time, as we repeat this process, we start to not only view our ideas and dreams and aspirations this way, but we come to see ourselves like this too.

Because it's not too big of a stretch when you're young and impressionable and the people who respond to you like this are your world. At a time when you see your ideas, your thoughts of all that you can do, as not being so separate from your self. This all happened before you learned that they don't know everything, that you might even know more than a thing or to, that you might actually know exactly who you are and what you can really do!

But once the suggestion is there, once we've heard those voices from the outside telling us what we can and can't do – as if they know us so much better than we know ourselves - then it's such a small step to internalize that voice and make it our own.

Which is exactly what happened.

Which is exactly why we didn't even know this voice was there. Until we find ourselves later in life wondering why we think so little of ourselves, and why we make choices that don't honor our true selves. Choices that leave us settling for less than what we know we want, and deserve. It's exactly why we find ourselves repeating the same patterns over and over again no matter how much we try to do things differently.

Because that voice is just too strong.

And too prevalent. And too much a part of us. In order to change our internal voice we need to be reminded over and over again, just as many times as we heard it in the first place, that what our current voices are saying is just not true. Until we can make the truth the only voice we hear and make it our own.

There's nothing laughable, or cute or funny about any of this. This staying small, and giving ourselves away because we don't believe we're worth more. This accepting of crumbs and whatever someone will give us to make us feel worthy. This life we've accepted that is so much less that the life we were meant to live! This inferiority, or it's opposite - the inflated superiority - that only hides that hurting little girl underneath the facade.

We've lived like this for so long, we don't even realize it's this subtle internal voice that's underneath it all. Keeping us stuck. Holding us back. Reminding us that it's not worth it, that we're not worth it, whenever we summon up enough courage to attempt to let our lights shine bright.

Until now. It stops here. No more. That voice is wrong. That message is incorrect. Mistaken. You are all that! You deserve all that! It's time to take back our confidence and self-esteem. There's only one response to that voice – tell it that you know exactly who you are! And you deserve the very best of everything beautiful, and wonderful, and amazing that love and life have to offer! There is so much more to your life! And they didn't know better and still no one knows better than you do. You can do that. You can have that. You can be all that! You are all that!

So be confident, dream those dreams, set your goals high, and allow yourself to feel that confidence. Don't allow anyone to tell you that you can't do that, not even you!

Because it's not really you. It's them.

And they didn't know. You have nothing to prove, there's nothing to show them. Just do it for you, and all that you're worth, and all that you are. You, my beautiful friend, deserve nothing, absolutely nothing, less than this!

The Best Way to Build Confidence

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A woman is dancing in the rain because of her confidence.
This one simple change will dramatically boost your confidence!

If it seems to you like everyone else has it all together, knowing just what to do to have a healthy relationship and making it look so easy in the process, while you're struggling along, feeling like there's something wrong with you, well, you're not alone.

I used to feel that way, too.  There always seemed to be someone who did relationships better than I did.

While I was constantly trying to figure someone out, trying to be the perfect girlfriend, figuring out whether I should try to give him some more space or show him just how excited I was about him, there was always someone I knew who had that amazing confidence about them and their particular relationship.

Just confidently being in it, seeing where it went and not putting all their focus and time and energy in it, just being normal about it.

And oh how I would envy her. I wanted to be that nonchalant, too.Continue Reading

Your Best Response When You're Not Getting the Commitment You Want

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If you've let him know that you expect the same level of commitment from him that you've given him, and he can't give you the commitment that you're looking for, then there’s only one thing for you to do. A clock is showing that it's time to move on.It all seemed so incredible. He seemed so amazing. He made you feel beautiful when you were together – and even when you thought you weren't.

Your relationship had all the makings of the real thing. All the fireworks, all the excitement, all the magic.

Until suddenly, you’re noticing some subtle changes. He’s not calling as often. His emails and texts are fewer and shorter. He’s busy a lot more often. He’s a lot less romantic than he used to be. If you've been intimate, he becomes less intimate.

His plans may or may not include you – unlike before when they always included you. He’s showing up late and doesn't call to let you know he’s going to be late.

You bring it up.

You tell him that you've been noticing some differences and you want an explanation. He says he’s just been busy with work or tired lately and that nothing’s changed with him. So you let it go. But you miss the way it was, and you don't understand why he's suddenly getting emotionally distant.Continue Reading

5 Ways To Be More Confident On A Date

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5 ways to be more confident on a dateWe've all been there, those nervous hours (and for some of us that are more anxiety prone, days) before a date with a guy you either just met or recently started dating that you're just so, well, into. You want to make a good impression and you start obsessing about everything from your hair, to what on earth you're going to wear, to those extra few pounds that you want to lose so badly. It's enough to drive a beautiful single girl crazy, and for most of us that's exactly what it does.

Well, I've got good news for you – I'm going to give you a handful of go-to tools that you can use before that big date to get you ready to present him with your best, most confident, and, most importantly, calm self!

1. Make plans with friends or family.

Make sure you have plans for the hours before the date so that you will be distracted from over thinking things. So if your date is for Saturday night, connect up with a friend and head out for the afternoon so that you don't have too much time to stress about your upcoming date. Worst case, Mom always loves to see you – invite her out for brunch, shopping, or to check out that new art gallery you heard about. Make sure that whatever you're doing together leaves you with just a bit more time than it takes you to get ready for the date, so you won't be stressed getting ready but you also won't have time to obsess over the little things.

If you're stuck and everyone you know is otherwise engaged, then spend the time on your own enjoying something you love doing. You'll get a bonus if the activity involves exercising – the endorphin rush will give you a mood boost to last throughout the date. The point is that being busy and spending time with friends or doing something you love will elevate your mood and put you in the right mindset to feel relaxed and happy during your date, and that's very attractive.

2. Picture it going well.

While you're getting ready for the date, imagine yourself with him feeling very relaxed and comfortable like being out with one of your longtime friends. The two of you are talking easily, laughing together, he enjoys being with you and you're really connecting. Think of a great time you had with a good friend and picture it feeling just like that (only better). The better you can visualize the date, the better it will be.

3. Focus on something other than yourself.

When we focus on ourselves, how we're speaking, what we're saying, where our hands are, etc., we become overly self-conscious and this tends to make us nervous. Instead focus on him; if he's talking really hear what he's saying, and make sure your response has nothing to do with you. For example, if he's telling you a story about his dog acknowledge his story first (Oh, that's such a cute story!) then ask him more details – what kind of dog? How long has he had it? etc. before delving into the story about your own dog or the one you had as a kid.

We're all guilty of thinking about what we can tell someone about ourselves while they're in the middle of telling us their story (many times we're even scripting our own story in our head while he's talking – don't worry, it's natural). If you spend your time focusing on him and what he's saying instead of yourself, you'll learn more about him and you'll be less nervous – a win-win. Once he's clearly through with talking, or better yet, asks you about yourself, then you can tell him your own cute dog stories.

4. Remember it's supposed to be fun.

Remind yourself that dating is supposed to be fun, and if you're so worried about every little thing you say or every little detail about how you look or what you're wearing, then it's not fun. So spend some time looking and feeling your best, know that you are looking and feeling your best, then stop worrying about it. You did everything you can do. Now it's just a matter of seeing if the date is actually fun and if there's enough compatibility to justify date number two (hint: there always should be, unless there was one of these dealbreakers).

The point is, just be yourself and know that if he's not that into you then it's a blessing. You only want to be with men that are into you the way you really are. Otherwise, you have to be something different your entire life, and that's no fun.

5. Remember that you're doing the choosing.

Last but not least, always remember that you're in the position of doing the choosing. He may seem like he's the perfect guy for you, but remind yourself that you really don't know much about him yet. Tell yourself that he still has to prove himself to you in order to win your precious heart – after all, you're not going to give it away to just anyone. Not to the point of making it seem like an interview or being standoffish -  but enough to make sure that you aren't putting him up on such an unrealistic pedestal that you feel like he's out of your league. He isn't; he's just a person, just like you are, and that's why you're here – to get to know more about each other so you can both decide if you are a good match.

With this type of healthy mindset you'll be much more confident going into and during the date. Being confident and self-assured is not only very attractive, but it's essential to keep yourself from falling for a guy who is actually not right for you.

What do you do to ease the pre-date jitters? Tell us about it in the comments!

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