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He's Unable to Define What We Are

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A beautiful upset woman sits on a couch with her boyfriend, who is unable to define the relationship.
After 9 years he's still unable to define our relationship.

Beautiful Allie shares her story of waiting endlessly for a commitment - will he ever be ready?

Here's what she wrote:

I am going to be 32 the end of this year.

I have been with a man for the last 9 years. We dated when we were younger, in between friends with benefits, and more recently started dating (both of us have no children and have never been married.)

My question is, he is unable to define what we are at all, completely accustomed to seeing me out of pure convenience when he can pencil me into his schedule and is okay with seeing me 1 to 2 times a week (literally.) Maybe a dinner after work, breakfast and then I'm gone by 11:00 the next morning.

We have never spent two days together or had a weekend together.

We have had multiple discussions about commitment and things improve but then 4 months later go back to the same old cycle. It's almost as if he wants his life separate from mine; his time is his and he's very set in his ways.Continue Reading

My Husband’s Long-Single, Classically Emotionally Unavailable Friend is Now Engaged!

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Picture of man putting wedding ring on woman hand signaling engagement.
What was it that finally made him commit?

“Ok,” I said, when we were finally alone. I had been waiting all afternoon for just the right time to ask him this question ever since I had heard the news.

“What is it about her? Why is she the one who won your heart?”

He was the one I was always curious about. He was the quintessential “emotionally unavailable man”.

He had it all. Good-looking, successful, all-around guys guy; he epitomized the strong, silent type so many of us have long tried to change.

He had a string of long term relationships in his history with women who had all been relationship material, vying to be the one who would finally win him over.

But no one ever did.Continue Reading

Should I Choose Commitment Over Chemistry?

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A beautiful woman looks at her phone feeling confused over whether she should choose commitment or chemistry.
I'm so confused! I don't know what to do...

Beautiful Melanie is feeling "dazed and confused" (her words) over whether she should choose commitment or chemistry.

Here's what she wrote:

Hi Jane,

I have been following your program for several months now and read many of your stories. I have followed your advice about an ex-boyfriend (who moved and is now long distance.)

We tried to make things work for the last year as long distance, but he had an issue with being alone and also is going through a divorce for 3 years that is still not final. He has been unable to commit to anything at this point.

We were together for a year, then he had to move for work a year ago. He lives 3 hours away.Continue Reading

He Can’t Commit to You Until He Can Do This

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A mature couple on a date talking together in sofa
This is what he needs first.

We know how this works.

No matter how we come to it we’ve already got our answer.

I can’t become this confident, beautiful, radiant woman UNTIL he picks me.

I can’t prove I’m worthy UNTIL he validates me.

I can’t become that woman I know I’ve got the potential to become UNTIL he elevates me.

But this is where we’ve got it so backwards.

He can’t commit to something he can’t see. He can’t commit to something he doesn’t even know he’s attracted to himself. He can only commit to something he can see.Continue Reading

Living Together Without Commitment

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Couple in bed, woman with insomnia, wondering how long to wait for commitment.
How long should I live with him without more of a commitment?

The question this week comes from our beautiful friend, Michelle. She's been living with her long term boyfriend for quite a while now, but she's wondering how much time to give him to make more of a commitment.

Here's her story:

I've been dating a guy exclusively for 15 months. We both own a home but he has been living with me for 7 months. Since he has his own bills and mortgage he doesn't help me with anything, including groceries.

Is this normal?

We've both been married before, myself twice and him three times. We're trying not to make the same mistakes.

We are both very different from our previous spouses. Which has been great!

We love each other very much. There is no fear of anyone else or cheating.

I'm just wondering how long is reasonable to let him live with me with no commitment and no financial assistance.Continue Reading

What Do I Do About His Commitment Issues?

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A beautiful woman is upset with her boyfriend over his commitment issues.
I want to settle down but he has commitment issues.

One of our beautiful readers, Charlotte, is at a loss to know what to do about her boyfriend's commitment issues. I know so many of you have similarly faced this in your own relationships, or are going through this now. I've given my response below, but I know she'd love to have your take on her situation as well.

Her Letter:

Hi Jane,

Due to your experience in the matter I thought that maybe you can help.

I have been together with my boyfriend for five years. We have had our share of troubles, but are still together. On an everyday basis he is nice to me - giving me massages, taking care for me etc.

However, whenever we talk about the future, he becomes indefinite. He keeps putting off having a family or marrying.Continue Reading

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