Getting to TRUE Love

How Can I Make Him Want to be With Me?

Here's a letter from our reader, Ria, that really summarizes one of the questions we all seem to ask ourselves at one point or another (and some of us, myself included, too many times): How can I make him love me?

Her email:

We are almost going to breakup. How can I make him realize that I was the one he wants to be with and he loves? We've been together for 11 months.

My Response:

Dear Ria,

Yours is just one of hundreds of letters I receive from women asking essentially the same thing. While your words may be different, and your situations unique, what you are asking is really the same thing.

How can I make him see that I’m the one for him?

How can I convince him that he should want to be with me?

How can I prove to him that he should choose me?

We think it’s simply a matter of knowing the right words or actions – some elusive secret – to making him see what we know is best for the two of us, and suddenly everything will be so much better and we can move on to our happily ever after!

It’s what we've been brought up with – the fairy tale.

It’s what we've been told is how we prove our worthiness – by “getting” a man to fall madly in love with us. After all, isn't that our role as a woman? – we ask.

It’s what we've been trying to do ever since our first love didn't quite work out as planned - that first one with our father.

It’s what our culture, the media, the popular dating resources - and the people in our lives who keep asking us why we’re still single and why we can’t get a man? - are all expecting of us.

And yet this isn't the way love is. This isn't the way it happens. This has everything to do with control and manipulation and nothing to do with love in the truest sense of the word.

And so any formula, or secret, or rules of doing this and doing that to “make” someone love you and want to be with you, isn't going to bring you the kind of real love you’re looking for.

In fact, the opposite is true.

When we pretend to be something we’re not, when we follow a script instead of being ourselves, when we put all our time and energy into playing god and pretending that we know best for ourselves much less someone else, we take all the love out of something that we’re trying to put into it in the first place!

If someone is right for you, Ria, this is exactly how you’ll know. He’ll be on your page, he’ll want the same thing you want, he’ll be willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. You won’t be the only one who wants this to work; so will he! You can’t do this alone; it has to come from him as much as you.

This is how you know!

It’s his lack of commitment that tells you what page he’s on and that’s it’s not the one you’re on.

It’s his lack of commitment that shows you clearly that he can’t do this, that he’s not what you imagined him to be in your own mind, that spells it out so clearly that your best response is to stop hanging on so tightly to someone who can’t give you what you want from him.

It’s his lack of commitment that saves you from anymore heartbreak from any greater investment of your beautiful heart and soul than you already have in him.

It’s the only way so many of us will ever see this for ourselves; because it comes from him, not us. We can’t see it for ourselves, and yet it’s the universe, God or whatever we call it looking out for us and showing us something in the only way we’ll see in the only form we’ll believe.

He’s not the one for you!

I know you want to believe you know better. I know how much you believe he’s the one. But if he were, you wouldn't be asking these questions. You would simply know. Because if he were, he would be there. You wouldn't have to make him see. You wouldn't have to make him be. He would see - and be - all on his own. He would see of his own accord. He would choose to be with you because he would want to be with you!

All of this fighting and struggling and trying to control him and the situation? Don’t fight it. Accept it. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain when you remember you don’t ever want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you.

And if he gets there? Don’t hold your breath; keep on living your own life and focusing on you and the ones who want to be with you. If he does, you’ll be the first to know.

Love,

Jane

Why You're Not Getting What You Want in a Relationship

32 Comments

There’s a common theme to what so many of us do, something that I found myself doing not so long ago.

We know we’re looking for the whole package, and yet what we put out there, and especially what we tell a guy we’re looking for – is exactly the opposite.

It's in the subtle messages we convey with our body language and the way we dress. It’s in what we say (and don’t say) in our online dating profile when we project the image that we’re looking for a good time rather than a committed relationship, it’s what we say when he asks us what we’re looking for and we tell him we just want to see where it goes.

And, since we're so attracted to him, we find that we'll pretend we're into anything that we think will get him to want us.

It’s that old familiar pattern of believing that we need to be interested in what he’s interested in – or what we believe he wants us to be interested in – in order for him to want to be with us.

No matter how subtle it is, the message is there that it matters more whether he wants to be with us, than whether we’re actually compatible in all the ways that matter, on the same page, and looking for the same thing with each other.

Why do we do this? Why are we so hesitant to come right out and say who we are and what we’re looking for instead of holding on so tight to the story that I need him to choose me more than I need him to be compatible with me? There’s such a difference!

It’s because we think it will make us more attractive to him if he can see that we’re on the same page – as him!

It’s because it’s part of our programming that has us believing we need to be what someone else wants us to be to be loved – instead of being who we actually are.

And most importantly, it’s because we want him to like us, we want that next date, we don’t want to have to keep going through this over and over again. We want it to be him!

But when we do this, we miss the chance to build our confidence in a way that does so much more for us. By embracing who we are and what we’re looking for. By not trying to be something we’re not.

I’ll never forget the conversation I had way back when with a happily married coworker who gave me his honest opinion of why I was still single. As we sat down in the cafeteria one day at my work which just happened to be the training facility of the Fire and Police Academies, surrounded by as many police and fire recruits as any single girl could imagine.

What’s wrong with me? had been my question at lunch that day. Why can’t I find what I’m looking for? I want what you have, I told him, but all I get are these guys who can’t commit, who aren't looking for what I am, who never want what I want no matter who they are.

Do you want my honest answer? He had asked. Of course I did.

You’re saying one thing but doing another, he told me. You say you want a committed relationship and marriage and a family and the whole package, but your actions, and the way you’re presenting yourself tell an entirely different story.

So these men you’re going out with, they’re confused. They don’t know what to make of you. So you’re finding these men who are confused, too. They don’t really know what they want either and they don’t think it really matters to you.

It’s like a type of bait and switch you’re doing. While the ones who know what they want, the ones who want what you say you want, aren't giving you a second look because they’re not going to waste their time with someone who isn't sure of what she wants.

And with his words, the first stirrings of what was amiss began to resonate with me. Why was I so afraid to admit what it was I wanted? Why wasn't I confident in wanting the whole package?

Was it because I didn't really believe I would ever find it? Was it because I doubted my worthiness of the kind of relationship I was looking for? I cringed at the idea of coming out and admitting who I was and that I was really like all those other women who made it look so easy, but seemed so hard to me.

It was time to stop pretending, to stop playing the part for a role I didn't really want, and become the real thing. And in allowing myself to hear what someone else was seeing that I couldn't see for myself, I discovered more of the truth about me.

I wanted the real thing.

I didn't want to play games with someone who I knew in my heart wasn't looking for what I wanted.

I didn't want to settle any more for just more of the same thing, no matter how different he might look from the others.

I wasn't going to compromise any more on what I wanted in exchange for that feeling of being wanted.

What I wanted was worth more than what felt good in the short term.

So when you say I want the full package, I’m not willing to settle for anything less than I know I want, just make sure you really know what that is. Know it in such a way that you’re not going to sacrifice that dream of yours just because someone comes along who makes you feel those sparks and makes your heart beat a little faster but who makes it clear that he doesn't want what you want.

It’s only when you hold on tighter to your dreams than your desire to be loved by someone who seems to promise so much and yet deliver so little, that you'll see for yourself it’s not an either/or distinction. It’s you being unapologetically true to yourself and what it is you want for your life.

That’s how we change this.

Finding True Joy After Walking Away

37 Comments

You may recall a letter from our beautiful friend, Layla, who reached out for support and advice back in January.

She sent me an email recently with an update on her situation and asked if I would share it with all of you.

Here it is, Layla; for you and all of our lovely readers who are going through something similar ...

Her email:

Hi Jane,

In January I wrote to you for advise on a man who was treating me less than I deserved and got such great feedback from yourself and others.

In 10 days it will mark 2 months since I finally walked away and broke the hold that relationship had over me. It has been tough, it has been sad and everything in me wanted to believe that I was not wrong, that things were going to work out.

I read all the advise that was out there on the internet, I spoke with friends and I tried to figure out what I could do to make this guy understand he was treating me wrong and for the first time I realised.... it is ok for me not to have all the answers, not to understand what went wrong.

I am sharing this with your readers because, somewhere out there, someone is in a verbally abusive relationship and they don't believe they are or, they believe if they just fix themselves it will all come right... I want my story to be used as motivation that it is ok to not know everything and it is ok to walk away, you are not giving up.

For as long as I can remember, I have had such low self esteem and allowed my past mistakes to be the reason I settled in my relationships... only to realise that I was hurting myself even more in the long run. I walked away from a guy who I still believe I loved dearly but, I loved him so dearly that I stopped loving myself and that is NOT ok.

He accused me of cheating, told me I was not attractive in order to justify his porn habit, shouted at me, called me an idiot and I soon started to believe the lies. He smoked weed every day and I found myself getting caught up in that world.

I was the only one who worked, so I was supporting two people and borrowing money from my dad to try and pay my bills. It got out of control and on the 12 May 2014, I finally said ENOUGH! I asked him to leave after a huge fight but, I made sure he knew that we were never going to talk again, no friendship... NOTHING.

Has it been hard, absolutely and anyone who tells a women it is easy is lying.

But, my motivation has been the extreme joy I have found since he left. I am not trying to find another relationship, I am focused on building myself up and doing things that make me happy.

It took a lot to accept that I was being abused and I would not accept it for a long time, believing that we were having normal fights. I cried a lot this last month, I got angry, I cursed and I missed him. BUT, I never went back and I got up and told myself that I can do this, no matter how painful.

I deleted all conversations with him on my phone and 2 weeks ago, I had the courage to remove him and his family off my facebook.

I read an article that said, keeping a man who hurt you as a friend on facebook is giving him the impression that what he did was not bad and that you may still consider being his friend in the future. That was enough for me to say, for myself I am removing him.

Firstly, thank you Jane for playing a part in me finally walking away as your blog encouraged me to be strong. Secondly, I know that it will take time to move into another relationship but when I do, I have learnt so much from this experience and know what I will and won't accept.

I am a Christian and my strength and healing has come from God, who I give all the credit to...my life is not over, it just began!

As the quote says: " Sometimes you just have to turn around, give a small smile, throw the match and burn that bridge"

- Layla

I know so many of us understand what Layla's talking about here. If you have a similar story to share that you've gone through - or are still going through - please share it with us here in the comments.

Living and Loving Your Life

27 Comments

Beautiful-woman-living-and-loving-life — We’re the only ones who can change this for ourselves.

As much as we talk about dating, and committing, and knowing how to tell if someone is right for you or not, there is one thing that underlies so many of all those conversations.

It’s about passion. It’s about love. And most of all, it’s about you.

It’s about what’s behind the creating of a life for yourself that gives you a reason to call this living your life. It’s about what’s behind what gives you something to get up and get going for every single morning instead of leaving you feeling like pulling the covers over your head and diving back under the covers until something – anything - gets better.

It’s the difference between seeing the glass half-empty, or the reality that it’s just as much half-full. It’s what gives you the strength to carry on – because you know you’re worth it – instead of giving into that relentless little voice that says you’re not.

You see, the missing piece for so many of us is having a real life for ourselves that gives us something to live for when it matters most.

We’re the only ones who can change this for ourselves. We have to want to enough to do something about it. We have to choose to live, to refuse to be a victim, to refuse to blame anyone else, to refuse to accept the path we've previously chosen as the only way to live.

Falling In Love Too Fast

63 Comments

When we meet that guy that makes our heart flutter, the one that gives us those butterflies, the one that we can just feel that spark every time we talk to him - it makes us completely stop even noticing any other men.

All we want to do is put everything we've got into making him ours.

But in reality, the only way this is going to work is if he’s not the only one we’re putting our time and energy into.

Here’s why:

If he’s the only one we’re focusing on, he becomes the focus of our love life. He becomes the one every other guy we might consider has to measure up to. He becomes the one we pin all our hopes and dreams on.Continue Reading

What To Do When He's Sending Mixed Signals

24 Comments

Here's a great question from Elly about a guy that's sending her mixed signals. He takes her out on what seem to be formal dates, but then he says that he just wants to be friends.

Her story:

Dear Jane,

Quite recently, my male ex-colleague turned friend had asked me out to dinner. The thing is, though he's been separated from his wife of four years for almost a year or so now, my guard is still firmly up when it comes to him only because I may be attracted to him as more than a friend for now.

I was a bit surprised when he first asked me out to dinner about two months ago.

However, what confuses me the most is that, during one point in the dinner, he said that he wasn't looking for a relationship but rather he'd have a friendship with others any day. His reply threw me for a loop was because he'd just blurted that one out to me when I didn't even probe him about his intentions about getting back into a relationship with someone else in the future.

Further to that, he randomly told me that the dinner wasn't a date and I replied, "Yeah, I know and I hear you." If that's the case, why did he have to make dinner reservations, come pick up (via a cab, as he doesn't own a car) and even paid for my dinner which was about $200++ per pax that night, although I insisted on paying my half of the share but he strongly declined it. He even requested a hug from me before we went our separate ways, which was once again a bit weird for me, because the last time I met up with him for lunch, we just went our own ways after saying our goodbyes. So all these sudden "change" of his behavior towards me is sort of bewildering me.

I understand that chivalry isn't dead; but about a week ago, he text-ed me again asking if I could meet him up for dinner to, in his words, "catch up", and yet again with the whole "I-had-made-dinner-reservations-for-us-both-tonight". And when I told him that I got to take a rain check on suggested dinner due to prior commitments; he sounded quite upset and asked why is it that I keep blowing him out for dinner?

I am all for meeting up with friends, be it male or female, but as feelings (my feelings!) get in the way of things of late, I can't help but wonder why is this man sending me mixed signals? I mean, if you're looking for a void or some kind of distractions from your feelings as you grieve over the loss of your marriage, I am more than happy to lend you my listening ear as a friend, that is, over a cup of coffee --- and not dinner for two at some tres chic Spanish counter top table restaurant. It's just not "right", if you ask me!

At any rate, I've decided to put a distance between me and him, because if it was a genuine meet-up between a man and a woman, I honestly think it's a bit out of the norm to be going the whole nine yards (re: pick me up, dinner reservations, hug request) on this, don't you think?

Anyway, can you please advise me how I should put it across delicately to this man that I can't meet up with him any longer (due to my growing feelings for him, which he hasn't the faintest idea, by the way) if he was going to make every dinner meet-up in a way that appears to be like a 'date', when in reality it isn't? That said, how should I tell him politely that perhaps we shouldn't even meet up for quick luncheons, or dinner even, in the future as I don't wish to be perceived as his buddy nor his emotional placeholder?

I honestly hope you can answer my query because I need to move on from someone whom I know who can't match what I have got to offer. At the same time, when he so much as does something sweet to me, I caved and in turn, hope that one day he will be ready for a relationship. Even though I know that's hardly the truth, based on what I heard from the horse's mouth, that is, the man himself.

Thanks for your time and attention!

- Elly

My Response:

It’s great that you’re so in touch with your own feelings here, Elly, and it’s wise to have your guard up with someone who is only separated, and thus still married, to his former wife. Only when he’s officially divorced and not just on the rebound, would you want to consider engaging in more of a relationship with him.

What you’re describing here, is someone who's doing what works for him and what helps him through this.

That’s why you’re getting the mixed signals. It sounds like he doesn’t know himself what’s right and what’s not and what the "rules" are with this new scenario of dating he’s found himself in. He’s confused, too.

So what he’s doing is what comes naturally to him and what makes the most sense to him right now. It works best for him and so you’re seeing him act and behave in this way, even if it doesn’t make sense to you. Recently separated, he’s not ready for another relationship and he knows this, which is why he’s acting the way he is with you.

He’s enjoying being out with a woman friend that he’s comfortable with - you - and so he obviously doesn’t mind spending the money or making it look and feel like a formal date because it feels good to him.

What you’re seeing from him, is probably exactly what you would expect from him if he could sit down and put in words exactly what you’re looking for him to clarify. He’s “looking for … some kind of distractions from [his] feelings as [he] grieves over the loss of [his]marriage.”

If you take out the “right” or “wrong” way that he’s going about this, and instead look at what you need to do for you – what is the most loving thing you can do for yourself – you can take back your own power here and find what you need in this. What’s right for you will be different from someone else. What gives you a sense of peace about this and leaves you with the least amount of regrets is also highly subjective and all about you.

You have two choices.

As I talked about in my recent post on the whole point of dating, you can simply choose to look at your time with him as simply two friends enjoying each other's company. You can take out any and all “shoulds” and allow the two of you to simply be who and what you are, right where you are now and allow things to unfold naturally in the process of getting to know each other more over time.

You can choose to just be friends with him - just make sure that it's authentic. This isn't about playing games, or hoping to win him over or hoping he'll change his mind. This is only about you accepting what he's told you as fact, and choosing to build a friendship with him.

But if you can’t allow yourself to do that (for example, if your attraction to him is simply too strong and you find that you're spending all of your time pining for him), then you can always tell him to call you when he’s ready for something more than friendship because you’re finding his actions confusing and you’re on two different pages.

You can simply state what it is you’re looking for and what page you’re on. Make it about you, and not him. There’s nothing harsh, or wrong with that; it’s simply the reality of where you are and what you can live with what you can’t.

Don’t feel guilty, don’t take on what isn’t yours to take on. If he’s not comfortable with this or expects something different from you in return, he’ll let you know. You're not leading him on. You’re either enjoying the moment with him for what it is to you, or you’re letting him go.

But you’re always the one in control.

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you have any other thoughts or advice for our dear friend Elly? Tell us in the comments!

M	T	W	T	F	S	S
						1
2	3	4	5	6	7	8
9	10	11	12	13	14	15
16	17	18	19	20	21	22
23	24	25	26	27	28	29
30

How Can I Make Him Want to be With Me?

Her email:

My Response:

Why You're Not Getting What You Want in a Relationship

Finding True Joy After Walking Away

Her email:

Living and Loving Your Life

Falling In Love Too Fast

What To Do When He's Sending Mixed Signals

Her story:

My Response:

Latest Tweets

Recent Comments

Calendar