Relationships

The Relationships category contains posts regarding the stage after dating, in which you are generally in an exclusive monogamous relationship. The Relationships category includes posts on such topics as meeting the family, commitment, is he the right one for you?, etc.

Unemotional With Commitment Issues

13 Comments

Dear Jane.

I've been with bf two yrs now. He is 34 and I'm 42. I have a 17 yr son.

He lives a 40 min drive away. Due to work commitments we often see each other Wednesday eve for a few hours and Fri to Sunday. I always drive up there and back.

My son goes with the flow but has no relationship as such with my bf. Due to the small size of my house my son has kind of taken over the living room as his room is very small.

Anyhow I am very concerned and scared as to where our relship is going.

He is a very calm quiet and emotionally closed person but has a great sense of humor and we laugh non stop.

The thing is though..he NEVER EVER initiates any conversation that involves us as a couple that reflects his hopes or plans or feelings for us. He never really says anything to do with feelings with regards to us, his family, friends, sadness, compassion, empathy etc etc.

The only time it seems anything like that is present, is when I bring it up or I'm upset and he calculates that it needs some kind words. The responses are verbally caring but physically there is rarely any obvious emotion from a sad situation to a happy one.

When I on occasion, out of sheer desperation, have brought up issues that need at least an understanding, affirming, caring or a from the heart response, there is...nothing...nothing but a sullen, vague, blank or frustrated look..no words..no hug..no hand. There is a heck of a lot of silence though and if I do manage to coax out some words they are...I don't know, haven't thought about it, I take each day at a time, why do you have to upset this lovely day we had with this. ...etc etc.

He says he loves me and I'm his best friend and he does look after me when I'm with him. We joke about and make up funny games do crazy stuff together but....get serious on him and it's like I've just asked him something outrageous.

He never shouts, is never mean, is very loyal, but basically doesn't get out of his zone for no one unless maybe the house is on fire.

I'm often hinting at how hard it's becoming for me to continually drive up there..the petrol..the wear and tear on the car..the goodbyes when I leave..

He says shall I pay towards petrol? Seriously? ! Does he not see it..

He has nothing in his town except his job..no links whatsoever. Where I live is where I work, where all my friends live and my aging parents and my sons college AND his parents and brother and grandad and aunts and uncles are in the same area as mine..like a mile down the road! It's totally impractical for us to move. He's aware of this..

He's not overly affectionate either. I've often bear hugged him and his arms would stay right where they are..by his side. He hates french kissing. I'm not joking. He's not into displays of public affection and I'm talking hugs and hand holding. .not unless he's had a pint or two.

He's become better at hugging me but I think I've also accepted his ways to some extent.

He still says he loves me... I love him to bits and have never been with such a kind loyal and patient person.

Have you any thoughts Jane?

I'm just so desperate for him to at least mention something about us having a future but I'm feeling so much like the weekend hobby. ...:'(.

Please help me....xxx

My response:

Dear Caz,

I so hear your pain.

It’s never easy when you see it so clearly from where you are, and when everyone else can see it too, but the one person you so want to see it, doesn't. It doesn't make sense on so many levels – to you.

But the reality is, people do what they do for a reason. Whether they realize it or not. This is working for him. It’s comfortable for him.

Whether he’s aware of it or not – and usually they aren't because they don’t give these things the same kind of thought that we do – it’s what he’s comfortable with. Yes, he’s farther away than he really needs to be, but he’s quite content to stay where he is. He doesn't give you more because what he’s giving you is as much as he’s wanting to give.

There’re so many reasons why, but the only one that matters is that none of this has anything to do with you, Caz.

This is all about him and his choices and his issues. And as much as you've tried talking to him about what you want to see different, about what you need from him, his response confirms how he feels and where he’s at - and how much he’s content with the way things are.

When you've told him how you feel, and you've asked for him to do something different, when you've given him both the subtle hints you have and direct ones he can’t ignore as well, you can know that he knows where you’re coming from.

The next part is up to you.

You've seen by his actions where he stands. You've heard from his words how he feels about all this. The ways he responds to what you say, and the behaviors you get or don’t get from him all reveal the same thing – this is who he is, these are his terms for your relationship, and this is where he’s at.

Believe him. Hear him.

And most of all, accept him and where he’s at. That’s how you find your own peace. See him for who he is and what he has to offer you. Can you live with his terms? Can you live with him the way he is? It comes down to you, Caz, and what he’s worth to you, and what having him in your life on his terms is worth to you versus not having him in your life at all.

You’re not going to change him. You can only change yourself.

If you can live with what he offers and he’s worth it to you, then accept that. But if you can’t, if you want more than he’s offering you, then accept that, too.

And make your decision based on the reality of what is, of what he’s told you and what you see in his actions, and not on the fantasy of what you know it could be like “if only” he could do this or that.

You’re not here to change him, it’s not your role to change anyone or convince them of why they should want to commit to you on a deeper level. It has to come from him. He has to want it, too.

If you’re content to live your own life and fill it with the people and things that make you happy and fill your own cup independent of him, then what he does or doesn't do won’t matter as much and you can adjust your expectations of him. But you have to be honest with yourself on whether you can truly live like that or you’ll only be looking for more from him than what he’s capable of giving you.

And that’s a tough way to live.

There isn't anything wrong with what you want from him, Caz; there isn't anything wrong with where he’s at. But if you’re both on different pages, if you’re both looking for something different, then you need to decide just how compatible you truly are.

Choose you first, Caz, and then choose to do with him and this relationship whatever brings you the greatest amount of peace and calm and leaves you with the least amount of regrets.

Trust yourself to know, trust your heart, your gut instincts. You’re with him, you know him, and you know you. The only person you answer to is yourself.

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for our dear friend Caz? Share them with us in the comments.

It's Just Not Sustainable

64 Comments

We've all seen the ads:

Do this and get him back.

And they certainly entice us because they promise exactly what we think we want: to get him back, to make him love us, to convince him to stay.

But in reality, it’s exactly the opposite of what we really want if we knew what the rest of the story of our lives was going to be. If we could only have the gift of hindsight right now.

But right now, it’s the only thing we want.

Because we think this is what it’s all about. We love him and we don’t know how we’re going to live without him would be a more accurate statement of what we're really thinking if we're open to admitting it to ourselves.

So when we hear about some secret to getting him back or someone promises to sell us the solution to getting him to love us, we’re there in a heartbeat.

We know he’s pulling away, we see he’s gotten distant, we know something’s going on and we don’t know how to stop it. All we want is to change it back to the way it used to be – to the way he used to be – so if someone’s telling us how, we’re all ears. We’re buying.

We don’t want to hear why we’re better off without him if he doesn't want to be with us. We just know our heart is breaking, our life is coming crashing down, and the love of our life that we can’t live without is slowly disappearing.

It pulls at the most fragile part of us – not our hearts, but our belief system that holds our dreams and believes that love will conquer all. It’s the same belief system that holds our self-esteem, our self-confidence, our self-worth.

And that’s why this is so hard; it’s not just our hearts that are breaking, it’s everything we believe in, it’s everything we've bought into, it’s every belief about love and relationships and men we've ever held. It’s all the beliefs about ourselves that we still hold onto so tight.

It’s not just him and what he’s doing. It’s us.

But getting him back isn't going to fix this. It might temporarily, but it’s not sustainable. Because acting a certain way, behaving in a certain way, is only going to work if it’s the way you actually act and the way you really do behave. Genuinely, authentically, in the real you kind of way.

Being anything except your authentic self – the real you – won’t get you anywhere you want to be. Even if you can pretend for long enough until he notices, until he takes the bait and gives you what you were hoping for, if it doesn't come from the real you, from your true self, you can only live an act for so long.

You can only be playing by someone else’s game for so long. You can only be acting out someone else’s script for so long. It’s simply not sustainable. The only thing that's sustainable is the real you. Your true self.

Anything else will eventually fall apart.

And as much as you think it’s what you want, it’s not. You don’t really want to be with someone who doesn't love the real you. Someone who you have to be anything other than your true beautiful self. Someone who you have to convince of your worth.

You don’t want them.

Not like this.

It’s OK if you’re not there yet. It’s OK if you still want to try to get him back, to bring him closer, to make him go back to the way he was before. I understand it more than you know because I would have given anything to bring him back, too.

Before I knew better.

Think about it. Mull it over. Give it some time to resonate. Do you really want someone you have to try to win over? Someone who you have to do or be something other than be yourself? Someone who being yourself isn’t good enough for? Someone who you have to play these games with?

If you’re not enough for him, then the truth is that he’s not enough for you.

It Seems Like He's Lost His Feelings For Me

14 Comments

Our beautiful friend Emilie is in a long distance relationship, but her guy is drifting away and becoming emotionally distant.

Her email:

I've met this guy two years ago in Spain and we went out, there was clearly a spark there. We kept in touch and I went back to Spain this summer and we fell madly in love, it was crazy. So we were able to keep our ldr but now he started university and he seems to have lost his feelings for me...I really want him back so please give me anything!

My Response:

Know that you can't make anyone love you or want to be with you, Emilie. You can only give him the time and space he's asking for and let him fill in that space himself by contacting you, by making an effort to continue with a long distance relationship.

And then you can keep living your own life, and focusing on you, and reminding yourself that love is about two people who want to be together, who are both on the same page and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

I know it's hard to accept that he might not be there right now, that he might be focused on starting university and this new life he's begun for himself that makes him more distant than close. But know that if it's meant to be, if he wants the same thing as you, it will happen.

But in the meantime, accepting this, realizing that you only want to be with someone who wants to be with you, you can see this as an opportunity to see what else is out there for you, to be open to what shows up and what resonates with you.

You deserve someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him, Emilie, so know that whether it's this guy or not, you'll always know who's right for you because he'll want this too. It's never about you having to convince someone you want to be with him, it's about him discovering this for himself and wanting to make sure you know he does!

I know this is easier said than done, when your heart only wants him, but if you can keep this perspective, you'll eventually come to see this for yourself, too. Don't take what he does or doesn't do personally, this is only about him and where he's at and not you!

Love,

Jane

Can you relate? Share your story and words of encouragement with Emilie in the comments!

But He Takes Care Of Me

10 Comments

Ah, the high price we pay for someone to take care of us.

Because we think we need someone to take care of us. But the truth is, we don’t.

The crazy thing is that we've been taking care of everyone else for most of our lives, but for some reason, when it comes to relationships, we’ll put up with too much, way too much, if he'll just take care of us.

Please, just take care of me. Do it all for me. Tell me what I need to do to be with you so you’ll just take care of me, please!

You’re forgetting something so important here; the price you’re paying for being taken so well care of on the surface is not worth the price you’re paying with your soul!

Ah, you say...but he takes care of me.

He buys me things. He makes sure I’m all set.

Girls, there's an important point here. He’s not your daddy. He’s not supposed to take care of you like that.

It’s about taking care of each other; a shared experience of taking care of each other. That means both of you.

Do you see the difference? Because if you don’t, it really matters and you’re not going to attract anything different until you see that a relationship is not about Prince Charming coming to your rescue (as if you even need to be rescued – trust me, you don’t), taking care of you financially and materially, buying you things, getting you all set up.

No.

That’s what a daddy does; but your guy is not your daddy!

As much as you need your daddy to do these things and maybe he did and maybe he didn't. Chances are, your dad did the best he could with what he knew about being a dad. But chances are also that he came up short and you didn't get what you needed from him.

And that’s why many of us are looking for a father figure.

The reality is that looking for a father figure in your guy and choosing someone based on that subconscious need to find someone who can fulfill that need is not going to get you your dream guy.

Why it’s a problem

Just because our own dad wasn't there for us in the way we needed him to be doesn't mean that our need for that goes away. Needs don’t go away just because there’s no one there to meet that need; they just get buried deep down inside. And then they resurface when we’re in a situation where we might have a chance at getting that need met this time.

It’s often why we find ourselves attracted to older men. There’s nothing wrong with that, as long as you’re not finding yourself in a relationship with something who’s so much older that it’s out of balance. Like if he’s older and acting like he’s the dad and you’re younger and the daughter. Read: he’s taking care of you and you’re on the begging end without a whole lot of say in the relationship because you’re younger and he’s taking care of you and you’re the one being taken care of and it’s not healthy.

You see, we can be pretty convincing that we need someone to take care of us like that, someone who makes us feel like they love us by how well they take care of us, but the reality is that usually there’s a lot of control that goes along with that kind of care taking.

And one-sided living. And calling the shots.

And usually we feel pretty small. Like the term little woman. And big daddy.

Yeah, those might be jokes, but they can be pretty real and telling if we take a closer look at the relationships we've gotten ourselves into.

We can take care of ourselves

This isn't the dark ages; we’re not living in a time where women can’t vote, get a job, make a living, have a life, get ahead, make something of themselves.

We can do what ever we want to do and we can do it without a man! Do you hear that? You don’t need a man to have a world to fit into. You don’t need a guy to feel like you can start living. It’s what you choose to make of it.

You can keep waiting, hoping, praying for the right guy to hurry up and come along and rescue you from your current life because you think it’s easier to find yourself in someone else’s ready-made life than make one of your own.

But the price you pay for that is your self-esteem, your worth, your confidence, your you.

Did someone forget to tell you that you can be anything you want to be? Because you can. They just forgot to tell you one of the most important things: you can only do anything, be anything, achieve anything. As long as you believe that you can. That’s the difference between the girl that's holding out for someone to come along and make it all better and the one who really gets it and knows she can create her own happiness in her own life. And that’s exactly who you are.

So start creating your happiness!

Am I Just a Booty Call?

34 Comments

Our dear friend, Cara, is wondering how to get out of the friends with benefits situation she's found herself in, and be more than just a booty call to him.

Here's her story:

Dear Jane,

I found your website few months ago and it is amazing and full of great information. I was wondering if you could help me figure out a man problem I am having?

Last year I met a man and we went on few great dates which lead to great sex but soon after that I noticed he would only come over late and only to have sex.

I talked to him and told him I wasn't looking for a "booty call" and he told me that he is interested in me but that he is not looking for a relationship right now. I kept on seeing him and eventually I realized that he will never want a relationship with me so I agreed to friends with benefits thing.

Recently he told me that he liked me at first but because our relationship turned into sleepovers only he stopped seeing me as a girlfriend material.

He knows I like him and we decided to be friends but as you can imagine I am having trouble being just friends.

I know this sounds crazy but I am heart broken and I want to know if there is anything at all I can do to make him not see me as "booty call" only?

I understand that the best thing for me is to not be friends with him and move on but I am scared. Please help!

Thank you,

Cara

My Response:

Dear Cara,

I’m so glad you’re here and you’re getting something out of my website.

It doesn't sound crazy to me, Cara.When we settle for a friends with benefits relationship with someone who isn't on the same page, who is content to have all the benefits of being with us without the commitment that we want from them, we become involved in a way that breaks our hearts and leaves us feeling so much worse about ourselves.

Instead of being single and available for someone who is on the same page and is looking for the same thing you are – with you! – instead, you are left with the lingering doubts and fears that you aren't worth anything more than this because you have a constant reminder that you’re not good enough for him to want anything more than this.

It becomes part of our psyche and our self-esteem and self-confidence feel the effects the longer we continue on with these terms – his terms - even as we continue to try to convince ourselves it’s better than nothing and he’s worth it to keep him in our lives, to be with someone – with him – than being alone.

But as much as we try to convince ourselves of this, we’re not fooling our deepest selves because we know we’re not meant to live like this.

And you know this.

As much as you think he’s worth it, as much as you believe being with him on some level is better than not being with him on any level, deep down inside you know you’re not made for this.

Listen to what he’s really saying here when he told you that he liked you at first but he stopped seeing you as girlfriend material because your relationship turned into sleepovers. Now he’s turning the tables on you, my beautiful friend.

You’re not to blame here for why he isn't able to give you more than this; this is about him, not you.

But you’re not going to change him.

As much as you believe that remaining in his life on his terms to show him all that you are and all that you have to offer is going to convince him of your worth and make him want to choose you, this isn't how it happens. He has to come to this himself. He has to want to.

He has no reason to do anything different because he gets to have all of you – on his terms – without having to do anything in return. He has it so good!

The reality is, Cara, that the only way to change this, the only thing you can do to make him see you as something other than a booty call, is to refuse to be one.

How do you do this?

You define what your own terms are. You have to first be confident about what you can and can’t live with.

What are you willing to settle for?
What are you not willing to settle for?
Can you really be just friends with him?
Can you really be just friends with benefits with him?

Be honest with yourself here. You’re not going to be able to be strong enough with him unless you’re first strong with yourself. You have to know where you stand and be able to back it up knowing that you’re worth it and you do deserve more than what you’re getting here!

You believe his terms. When he says he’s not ready for a relationship right now that means he’s not ready for a relationship right now and he doesn't know when – or if – he ever will be.

It means he doesn't want to be convinced, he doesn't want to be helped, he doesn't want to be saved, he doesn't want anything more than he’s getting right now from you. And the only way to interpret this is to take every word at face value and believe him. This is where he’s at.

You let your actions speak louder than your words. So you've let him know that you’re not OK with the way things are. You communicate with him by telling him that you want more than what you've been getting, and then you don’t back down because you know you’re worth more than this. And then you let your actions show him that you mean what you say and you don’t fall back into your old relationship with him.

You only accept dates with him that involve going somewhere other than your place or his. You don’t accept just going over to his place or him coming over to yours. It’s way too tempting to keep doing more of the same if you’re in the same place where it’s all too easy to give into the heat of the moment and do what you've gotten so used to be doing. You’re not trying to make this harder on yourself; your goal is to make it easier.

I know why you’re scared, Cara.

You already know what his response will be. You already sense what’s going to happen here if you stand up for what you want and refuse to let him use you like this.

You know you’re probably going to lose him.

And that’s scary when you feel like he’s everything to you right now. Know that you’re not alone in feeling like this; almost every single one of us have been here in some shape or form.

But what I want you to understand is that greater than this fear, should be the fear that by settling for this, you’re going to be wasting your beautiful you on someone who’s not on your page, who isn't compatible with you no matter how much you want to believe he is.

You can’t live your life based on someone’s potential, waiting for someone to come around and be all that you think he can be.

What matters here is the reality of what is, not the fantasy of what you so want it to be. The choice is always yours, Cara. This is always your very own personal decision that no one can make for you.

I hope this helps, and I hope it helps to know that we're here for you.

Love,

Jane

Any other thoughts, advice or encouragement for our beautiful friend Cara? Share them with us in the comments!

Why He Treats You the Way He Does

366 Comments

A woman is upset after her boyfriend told her he wants to slow things down. — It was all so exciting! But then everything changed.

We're always hoping for the classic story of 'boy meets girl, boy chases girl, girl lets him catch her, and they live happily ever after.'

But real life never seems to follow that story line.

Sure, it starts out that way.

He’s chasing us, we’re being chased, just like boys chase girls in elementary school, and it’s fun! It’s exciting. We feel desired and wanted and worthy and that makes us feel like we've got it going on.

We’re being chosen. Someone’s picked us.

Then all of a sudden, something changes.

He’s got us and he can clearly see we’re hooked. But instead of the ending that was supposed to be, it’s turned into something else.

Suddenly, everything changes.The conquest is over. He’s chosen us and we've accepted and now we've followed what we've been led to believe is what dating and commitment is all about.

We’re ready for that next step. But he isn't.Continue Reading

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Unemotional With Commitment Issues

My response:

It's Just Not Sustainable

It Seems Like He's Lost His Feelings For Me

Her email:

My Response:

But He Takes Care Of Me

Why it’s a problem

We can take care of ourselves

Am I Just a Booty Call?

My Response:

Why He Treats You the Way He Does

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