First He Became Distant, Now He Just Disappears

Beautiful Jalyn writes to tell us her story and it's one I know so many of us, myself included, have experienced first hand.

Here's what she wrote:

I was dating a guy for over a year. We are both 27.

He has two children and I have none. We went on dates, vacations, met each other’s family.

When we started dating it was a lot of red flags but I liked him a lot that I looked past all of it. We used to spend 2 days/nights together. In the last couple months he became distant. Now he disappears for a week or two.

I would get angry and send him nasty text messages calling him awful names. He would say it’s because of my temper and I’ll forgive him and take him back.

It happened at least 8 times.

I know I should just move on, but I can’t. I’m stuck and don’t know how to let go.

I pray, stop communicating and I’ll always give In and reach out. It’s to the point now he doesn’t even call me after a fight because he knows I’ll call him. His children's mother reached out and told me they have been working on things. He called me to deny everything and says she’s delusional and they are only a co-parenting.

I don’t believe him because he’s been distant.

I’m devastated, I can’t stop crying, texting, calling him because he’s not giving me the emotional support I want. I’ve tried counseling, praying and nothing is working. I drove myself crazy and now he just ignores me.

-Jalyn

My Response:

Dear Jalyn,

My worst behaviors ever were with a guy with all the potential in the world to be the perfect match for me. The problem was, all the time I spent with him alternated between either the best times of my life or the absolute worst.

Why?

Because he triggered me.

Everything about him triggered my abandonment issues – when he behaved that way. Everything about him triggered my anxiety, my fears, my rejection sensitivities, everything. But when it came to where we would actually talk about it, he would only blame everything on me.

I was the problem. I had been the crazy one.

And yet, I was only reacting to what he and his behaviors were triggering in me.

Jalyn, there are some men who we should never be with. There are some men who we can’t be with without doing all kinds of work on ourselves first. Even then, we have to ask ourselves why we have to do all this work on ourselves just so we can simply let him be who he is without ever having to look within and do this work himself. Just so we can be the kind of person who allows him to disappear for days or even weeks at a time, and let it all roll off of us like it's no big deal.

Do you see the problem with this?

This is the price you pay to be with someone like this. You’re always doing the one doing the work. You’re always the one putting in all the effort, making life easier for him. You're the one holding yourself to a higher standard so that side of  you can always be the one showing up for him, because he can't handle the other parts of you that are raw, that are triggered, that are oh so human.

I often looked back at the person I became later on, a much calmer person, someone who was able to avoid taking everything so personally and seeing everything someone else did (namely him) as a reflection on me.

I looked back at all the “mistakes” I made with him, expectations, assumptions, interpretations and still so much co-dependency that I’d thought I’d conquered enough already and could see just how differently it could have been if I’d been the person I had become.

But what about him? What about the give and take? The two people in the relationship working it out together, going through life together?

Your anger’s there for a reason.

It’s a warning sign, a signal that something isn’t right. When you’re so used to dismissing your anger as negative or bad or wrong or whatever other judgmental stance you’ve been programmed to take on it, it goes against all of our conditioning to see it for what it is: a reality check.

You became angry because you felt powerless to change your circumstances.

You became angry because you were torn between putting up with his behavior and betraying yourself and your own needs in the process.

You became angry because you were afraid of letting go of someone you loved who couldn’t be what you needed him to be.

When there’s no good answer and we feel powerless and unable to control the situation that we’re emotionally invested in, we get angry. We either turn that anger outward into an aggressive stance, or we turn it inward into ourselves and become overwhelmed with sadness and depression.

There’s a place in between, Jalyn. A place where you realize you ARE in control.

Where you recognize you’ve always been in a position to choose whether this relationship is still working for you, whether this guy is still worth it to you. Those are always your choices even if it doesn’t feel like you have any choice here at all.

If this isn’t working for you, if you don’t have a say in this relationship, if this is all about him and you’re stuck with whatever crumbs he doles out for you, then you had a choice to either keep on putting him and his needs first, or remembering that you’re here too and you have your own needs that must be met as well. That's why you're here. You made your choice even if you didn't feel like you did. You couldn't go on the way you were and you couldn't stay silent about it anymore. He can't handle you knowing the truth and that's why you're here now trying so hard to let go.

How do you let go? You remind yourself of the facts. You go over the reality check your anger was trying to reveal to you.

Why did you get so angry? Why did you send those angry texts? Because there’s something so wrong with you?

No.

You got angry because you were in a situation, a relationship, that didn’t support who you are, that couldn’t give you what you so obviously needed and the only way you would heed those red flags was if it came from him.

When we can’t or won’t see it for ourselves, life has a way of getting us out of places we never belong in ways that seem so cruel and unfair at the time.

If you can’t trust this guy to tell you the truth about his ex, if you don’t believe him and can’t take him at his word, how would you ever enter into a more serious relationship with him?

He’s calling the mother of his kids delusional and denying everything she’s telling you. More often than not, in my experience it’s in situations just like these that she’s almost always telling the truth. Or being played herself.

We never want to be wrong about someone, Jalyn. And we never want to be right about our worst fears associated with them. But at some point, we have to be honest with ourselves about what’s happening right in front of us in broad daylight.

Nothing is working because he’s incapable of being the man you want him to be. Nothing is working because you’re looking to him to make everything all better and he can’t. Nothing is working because he isn’t capable of giving you the emotional support you need. Or, if he is capable, he just doesn't want to.

Still want him?

Here’s your part now. Ask yourself the deep questions.

Why do you choose to be with someone who you can’t trust, who you don’t believe, who isn’t there for you, who dismisses you as crazy and blames you for the problems within your relationship and puts everything on you?

The answer to that will help you get to the real reason you're with him and can't let go.

It’s what we do when we believe there’s something inherently wrong with us and we don’t deserve better. It’s what we do when we believe we have to settle for whatever crumbs we’re given because we’re not enough (or too much) to have a chance at something more.

But it’s never the way any of us are ever meant to live.

I hope this helps.

Love,

Jane

How about you, Gorgeous? Do you have any words of advice and/or encouragment for beautiful Jalyn? Share your thoughts with her down below in the comments!