Beautiful Mia writes to tell us about her fear that her boyfriend of 2 years may be losing interest in her.
Here's her email:
Hi Jane,
First of all, I just wanted to say I love reading all the advice you give, even when it’s not relevant to me. You have such an addictively soothing way with words!
I was hoping you could give me some advice about my relationship of almost 2 years.
When we first met, my boyfriend and I hit it off immediately. We were so excited to talk, text, call, and arrange dates with each other as much as possible.
It seemed like anytime we did anything apart, we were quick to tell each other every second that we missed. I never officially moved out of my apartment, but I’ve basically lived at his place ever since those early months of dating.
Individually, we’ve always been pretty good at setting aside “alone time” or “friend time.” We didn’t feel the need to text or call the other during those times, especially because we knew the other was enjoying themselves.
A few months ago, he changed jobs and now I don’t get to see him as much. He sets his own work hours, which usually ends up being 12 hours/day out of the house.
We used to bond over our love of cooking, but now we either go out to eat or eat dinner separately. We only kiss once when we leave for work and once we go to sleep. I feel like we don’t get the chance to enjoy any of those cute mundane tasks or moments we used to have.
Whenever I tell him this, he tells me that I’m just focusing on too many negative things.
I’ve been trying not to, but I’ve been noticing more and more that he rarely checks up on how I’m doing or how my day went.
I feel forgotten. I get upset.
On the contrary if I check up on him during work or when goes out with friends, he tells me that I need to stop trying to hog his time since we live together.
I’m so afraid that I’m not that interesting to him anymore and that I’m fighting for a hopeless relationship. How can I address my concerns with him in a productive manner that's focused on finding happiness, not finding complaints?
Sincerely,
Mia
My Response:
Dear Mia,
I’m sitting with your letter. I’m imagining what you were feeling as you penned your words. And as I read them through again and again, more than anything else what I’m hearing is your fear.
Things have changed.
He’s started this new job. He’s choosing his work hours and they’re long. By choice. His choice.
You’re feeling left out, left behind. I get that, and it's totally understandable. So many women have been in your shoes and have felt the exact same way.
I can imagine the questions going through your head.
Does he love his work so much or are the rewards promised to him in exchange for his work so appealing that he can’t hold himself back from working such long hours? Or is he trying to escape something, and is he throwing himself into his work so he has a purpose to his life that satisfies that need?
Or is this just a matter of him subscribing to a culture of identity through work that so many in our society find themselves in? Or is it really what you fear most, that he's losing interest, that you’re not interesting to him anymore and you’re fighting for a hopeless relationship?
Without knowing you, without knowing him, it’s hard for me to say for sure what exactly is going on here. But I do know that communicating directly with someone who you’ve been in a relationship with for almost 2 years isn’t supposed to be this difficult.
That’s the concerning piece here for me.
When you can’t simply talk to him about something’s that bothering you without a response from him that says you’re "just focusing on too many negative things" or being told you need to "stop trying to hog his time" since you live with him, something’s clearly wrong.
And while you might be experiencing that comfortable place where you trust and love each other enough to know that even though some of the cute, mundane, tasks or moments you used to have might have been replaced by something more solid, this isn’t what you’re describing here.
Are you responding to his pulling away, however subtly it may be, by pushing for more? Could this be causing him to pull even further away?
Maybe.
But it sounds like there’s more here than just you responding and him responding back.
Communication is so important to any relationship, Mia, and being able to express concerns, to talk about problems and know you’ll be heard is essential for its survival. Because if there’s one thing I’ve learned with crystal clarity in my own marriage of 15 years, relationships take work.
And most of this work is found in and around communication.
There's a two-sided give and take that needs to be happening in any relationship actually worth working on. The overall tone needs to be one of equals for this to work in the long term for you.
That’s what you're going for here, right?
Longevity. Long term. Like with marriage and kids and stuff like that (eventually), right?
So you first need to look at that. Is there that? Can you talk to him? Do you feel like he's open to hearing you, to hearing your needs and not just his own?
Because all the advice about using “I” statements and everything else isn't going to help if you're putting all your time and effort into a relationship that's already too one sided for him to be open enough to hearing you in the first place.
But that’s where I’d start.
Own what you’re going to say to him. Own the fact that you’re feeling strongly enough about what’s bothering you that you’re choosing to build a bridge between the two of you.
When you’re feeling stronger in your power because you realize you have your own power to begin with, when you recognize that you’re choosing to communicate with him because after all, you love this guy, that's when you set a tone of love and togetherness to begin with.
Pick a time when you’re both not rushed, when he’s not tired, when neither of you are irritable, when you don’t have any time constraints on either one of you.
Tell him what you love about him, what you appreciate him - all the positive things he does for the two of you - and then share your concerns with him while owning each and every one of them.
Something along the lines of: "I miss you. I miss what we used to have. I want to spend more time with you. I want to feel like a priority for you. I feel loved when you do (this). I feel like a priority when you do (that). Would you be willing to do these things for me?"
And then ask him what he needs from you in order for both of you to get to this place you want to be. Remember that you love him and that’s why you’re here, that’s why you’re having this conversation with him.
If he’s on your side, he’ll want to do what you’re asking him to do so that you can feel good about the relationship and him. That feels good to him, too.
If he doesn’t want to, the response you get from will be telling.
Remember, you can handle it. Whatever his response, it's important information for you to have. Remember that communication is everything and worth the risk of finding out where he’s coming from if for no other reason than to get some clarity from him.
One final word, though, Mia. You can’t be the only one focused on finding happiness. He needs to meet you there. For your concerns to not sound like complaints, he needs to be open to hearing you and work together with you to strengthen your relationship together.
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What are your thoughts? Is he losing interest, or is this simply a natural progression of their relationship? Share your words of advice and/or encouragement for beautiful Mia down below in the comments!
Thanks for the replies. It was uplifting. I hate that he had to do something to shake my trust. I hate that I now have to worry about where he is, who he is with, who he is talking to? I have never had to worry about any of these things. It sucks. I guess I will just have to focus on taking care of myself and let him earn my trust again.
Hello Jane
I have been reading your articles since 2011 and your advise has really helped me alot. Your articles are always insightful. I am in a bit of a sad place and need your advise. I married my husband last year and I am presently 6 months pregnant. Hubby is someone I trust so much. We met in 2014 and married in 2016 and during this time he was focused on us and never gave me any reason to doubt his commitment to our relarionship.
Some months ago, we attended a get together with family and friends. Hubby's good friend and colleague rather than coming with his wife, came with a gf and Hubby was talking with her like he knows her well (so that means the guy has been seeing her for sometime now). Music started and the guys including Hubby started dancing. All the ladies including myself were sitted. Next thing Hubby went to where his friend's gf was sitting and dragged her out to dance with him. He held her waist and was slow dancing with her. I was surprised and embarrased at the same time. I just sat there rigid. His female cousin noticed them dancing and stylishly went to separate them. I noticed she was asking the girl who she was and the girl was pointing towards where Hubby's friend was sitted probably saying thats who I came with. The cousin however got in the middle between both of them and the girl went to sit down. Minutes later, music stopped and right in front of everyone, Hubby called the girl asking her to hug him. She stood up and went to hug him. I was speechless. He then came to where I was sitted and asked if I have been watching him. I told him yes I have been watching him embarass me. He immediately became so calm and quiet. Some minutes later his younger brother called me aside and asked me to take Hubby home cause he is drunk. I have never seen him drunk before so I couldnt tell. I drove us home and as soon as he got to the house he threw up all over the floor. I was already so angry with what happened at the party that I wasted no time in expressing my anger while I clean up. I then left and went to the room. When he felt much better, he came to me in the room and apologised blaming it on the fact that he drank too much and ate little food. I decided to let it go.
Hubby is the very social one between the two of us. He has lot of friends and is always attending one party or the other. I have a more busy work schedule and a reserved personality so most times I dont go with him and it never really bothered me. After that incident I kept thinking is this what he does at those parties, dance intimately with girls? If he could do it in front of me, whats to say he doesnt do worse when I am not there? It was difficult to shake it off but I finally decided it was best to let it go.
Sometime on 20 Oct he went out with some friends to a club. After work, I met them there briefly, then left cause of my pregnancy and I needed to rest. Some days later I was scroling through his dialed calls when i saw a strange female name. Now I hardly check Hubby's phone cause I really do trust him but on this particular day I was kinda bored we were both on the bed and he was browsing on my phone. I immediately asked him who the girl was. He told me she is from church. I told him, I never heard of such name from church and he has never mentioned her. He said they are not so close. I didnt think much about it.
Some weeks later a friend of his was throwing a birthday party for his gf. The party was to start at 9pm..so of course I cant attend. Hubby was to go alone. We talked on him going there to dance with girls and he said he wont do any such thing. When he came back the next day early morning, I asked him how the party went and if he danced with any girl. He said, yes, he danced with different girls who are friends to the celebrant. Wow. I asked so you rocked with those girls? He said yes, why go there if he wont dance? And rocking with girls doesnt mean he will ask them out. He then tried to kiss me and I told him I wasnt in the mood. Alot of things started going through my head..am I too trusting of my husband, allowing him to go and come back late at night as he pleases, partying with his single friends, going clubbing and all without me? My mind immediately flashed to the strange girl number I saw on his phone. I took his phone and checked the dialed call if the number was still there and it has been deleted..obviously he called her again and deleted this time around. I searched her out on his fb and discovered about a week ago she added him on facebook but the friendship notification was deleted from his timeline. Wow. Around this same time, there were so many other friendship notifications from other girls which were not deleted but this particular one he had to delete. Interesting. I checked both of their mutual friends and there was none. I managed to be calm and went to work. At the office, he called me with his usual lovey dovey talks, that sparked me off. Why call me all these nice and sweet names when you are lying and hiding things from me? I confronted him again about the dancing with girls after assuring me he wont do such and he said he was only joking. He never danced with anyone. I asked him again about the strange girl, he maintained she was from church. I asked him why he deleted her number from his dialed calls, he came up with one pitiful story. Then I asked him why he deleted her friendship notification on facebook and he was mute. I asked him how can she be from church and has no mutual friends from church with him on fb. I got so angry and ended the call. He then called back and said he is ready to be honest with me, that I am pregnant and he doesnt want me to be stressed. Said he actually saw her for the 1st time at the club . Some days later met her at some road and thats when they exchanged number. He told me she was from church cause he knows I wont approve of the friendship. He just wanted to be friends with her. His intentions were pure. I exploded and told him you cant meet some girl at the club and tell me you just want to be friends. He kept calling me at work then sent a text that he has deleted her number and her facebook contact. When I got home we talked at length and he kept saying he just wanted to be friends. He is sorry, he is being honest, he made a mistake not telling me. He said they have been communicating on call and only talk about life and stuff? But it doesnt add up...If it was just about friendship then why the lies and secrecy? If he knows I wont approve then why go ahead? Is the friendship so much important than my feelings? He has female friends which I know and I am comfortable with just like he knows my male friends. He said it will never happen again but I cant forget about it. What would have happened if I hadnt found out? I feel like he was getting ready to cheat on me. I try to be calm cause of my baby but I feel broken.
That must be really hard on you, Ivy. I'm sorry you're going through that. It does sound bad. And you're right. It's not about friendship, it's about lies. It's about a breach of trust. He may be trying to sabotage the relationship because of some unresolved issues within himself. But those issues are his, not yours. It sucks that he's doing this precisely now that you're pregnant. Could it be that that is what is making him nervous and act out subconsciously?
Ivy. I'm broken for you. You know what you're seeing. You know what you know. I want to first validate that part. If he's honest with you, he can get his priorities in order. You're six months pregnant. He's about to become a father. He either steps up and does the right thing or he doesn't. He needs to earn that trust back. It's the only way to be what you and your child deserve. He's either serious about doing that or not. You need so much support right now. Find the ones you can be honest with who can support you through this and really be there for you. You both may need to talk to someone as in a therapist. Don't doubt yourself or second guess yourself, Ivy. You're going to get through this one, too.
He's not the only one in a relationship. No matter what's going on in a person's life, communication is a must in a relationship. It's not her job to assume what is going on with him and he's not doing anyone any favors by gaslighting her and telling her it's her problem. He can need whatever he needs and COMMUNICATE. She cannot give him what he needs if he doesn't communicate. And yes. Gaslighting is abusive. Abuse is not just physical or verbal assault, you know? Making your partner feel like they're too much or too negative when they express their feelings and fears is, indeed, abusive. Mature, healthy people in a relationship don't shut their partner out. They listen, share their own feelings and own up to them.
He just sounds like he's moved into a new job and is struggling to find his feet in a new environment. It sounds like he needs emotional support while he does this. (Imagine how it might feel starting in a new job yourself). It sounds like they just got out of the cute honeymoon period and it's time to get to the real stuff. If he's telling her she's focusing on negatives, maybe he's wishing to hear positives rather than her anxiety being an extra drain on his energies? I love what Jane says mostly, but this doesn't feel like an "abusive" situation to me. This guy has just started a new job, so he deserves a bit of leeway. The more she tries to grab hold of him and panics, the more he's going to pull away. Give him space and he'll start to appreciate her again.
He's not the only one in a relationship. No matter what's going on in a person's life, communication is a must in a relationship. It's not her job to assume what is going on with him and he's not doing anyone any favors by gaslighting her and telling her it's her problem. He can need whatever he needs and COMMUNICATE. Mature, healthy people in a relationship don't shut their partner out.
Dear Mia,
I think Jane has offered you wise advice on how to talk things out with him. By all means, try your hardest to communicate with him, even if only for your peace of mind. ("I did everything I could to work on my relationship.") In a strong relationship, things would hopefully fall back in place.
Now, I am a *very* understanding person, and, like Jane, after 10 years of marriage and a child, I agree all successful relationships do take *some* work. But some work doesn't mean "struggle." As willing as I am always to see the other's point of view, the way you phrased his reaction to your concerns did raise a red flag for me: "On the contrary if I check up on him during work or when goes out with friends, he tells me that I need to stop trying to hog his time since we live together."
This is not okay. Even if he did not use these words exactly, this is not the kind of reaction or feelings you'd expect from a long-term significant other (let alone a potential husband). My husband only told me once of being slightly bothered by my calling him at inconvenient times when I spent several months abroad for work, in the early stages of our relationship, and I was overly eager to talk to him while he was at work (there were a big difference in time zone between us at the time). I understood, and yet it bothered me that he would take my communications to be "inconvenient," and when I did tell him later on that partners should feel thrilled to hear from each other, not bothered, he quickly apologized. This was 12 years ago, and I didn't get that reaction from him ever again.
To date, he calls several times a day from work, to check me or ask how my day is going, even if for just 30 seconds, because we are both busy. Our family time comes first, before any other plans with friends and such. We went through difficult and stressful times, changing jobs, dealing with financial insecurity at times, going through rough patches at times, but communication and kindness kept us going. We have the solid relationship that we have now because we never stopped listening to each other, and acknowledging each other, even when things got tough.
When I started dating my now husband, I was out of a bad relationship in which I had been taken for granted, made to feel insecure about voicing out any concerns, and I had decided not to hold back any longer. If I had a problem, I communicated it. Politely, compassionately, with the willingness to admit fault myself (when/if I truly was at fault, which is the case with any human being), BUT I did not hide anything I felt anymore. After that one horribly passive-aggressive relationship, in which I was frozen out whenever I had a problem, and given the silent treatment, etc., I decided that I wanted a warm and trusting relationship with real communication. So very early on when I started dating my husband, I did not treat him "with gloves." I was so burned out and tired of giving "hints" and putting myself aside in order to wait for the guy to pick up on my cues and then decide whether or not he was going to acknowledge me, that I said to myself "I'll be exactly who I am, and if he cannot cope with me the way I truly am, then here is my answer. Better know now, and cut my losses, then go through hell one more time."
Because there is nothing more hellish than feeling alone in a relationship. As much as it's painful to be single when you truly want a relationship, it is ten times more agonizing and humiliating to feel ignored and unheard in a relationship. Not only does it hurt. It does terrible things to your confidence, your self-esteem, because no matter how tolerant and understanding you are, resentment builds up, little by little, and all this one-way communication erodes whatever was healthy in the relationship to begin with.
Your boyfriend should never take you for granted. As afraid and concerned you might be that you might be losing her, that feeling should be mutual, if he truly loves you. I have friends who have been married for 25 years, both with demanding jobs and traveling schedules, and with kids, yet the other day I heard the husband saying "after all these years together, I don't take our marriage for granted." It's true.
Living together is absolutely no excuse for ignoring the other person or making her (or him) feel any less-than, presumably because the physical time spent together should deter the other person from reaching out. Telling you that you are focusing on the negative, or being too negative, is not a kind way of acknowledging that you feel the way you feel. Even if he thought you had no reason to feel like this, he should hear you out, and clarify what's going on, so that you can go back to feeling secure.
We don't feel insecure out of the blue, Mia. Don't allow anyone to make you doubt your own intuition.
So yes, talk to him. Try to hear him out, if he does have the decency to explain to you what is going on. But take it from someone who has been in several bad relationships before finding the stability in my marriage: respect and kindness are key. Your partner should not put you down for whatever feelings you are communicating to him. Would he tell his children "don't call me or don't tell me you miss me, or don't ask when I am coming home, because we live together"? This is ridiculous, and insulting.
(I could get sarcastic here, to make light of the situation... but it won't help. Maybe you should ask for an appointment with him, while at home, so that you know when it is acceptable to him to give you quality time.)
I wish you all the best. If it's just a minor hiccup, things will work out, and you'll recognize your boyfriend for who you thought he was when you met him. But if he continues to feel "changed" to you, then take that as a big sign on the wall that maybe he has already moved on. And if he did do so, please do not blame yourself. Here you are, trying to work things out and wondering how to better communicate with him, while he (knowing his truth, whatever that may be) chooses not to inform you of what's going on, and even more so, chooses to dismiss your concerns when you pick up on these new and disturbing vibes.
Listen to your gut feeling and your heart, discuss calmly, give it some time, but do take care of yourself. Many of us who have been there will tell you that there is always light at the end of the tunnel.
P.S. Oh, one more thing, Mia: you described so well how I feel about Jane's posts when you said "You have such an addictively soothing way with words!" She does, doesn't she? She really does.
I just finally acknowledged one of her replies to a comment of mine from a month ago. I got so busy that I never had the chance to post, but oh, what Jane said stuck with me and comforted me. Whenever intrusive thoughts got in my head again, I punched them right back with Jane's soothing words. 🙂 It worked!
Little do we know what a difference we make for one another, virtual strangers on a forum, who derive so much inspiration and strength from one another. Thank you, Jane, for making this possible!
oh aren't you sweet, Cathy! 🙂 This is how we heal our past, how we make something gold out of all we go through along the way. We have places we don't even know have been hurting until we find another soul who gets us! "Little do we know what a difference we make for one another, virtual strangers on a forum, who derive so much inspiration and strength from one another." You've just summed up my purpose here for me. Thank you for your sweet words. Oh what I would have given to have this forum back in my own single days! So glad my own have resonated like this for you. 🙂
He is freezing her out. Coward won't give her anything to work with, so it will be all on her to move out, move on, start over, and he doesn't care how much of her time it takes. There's only so much time. We cannot afford these type of men. There are many. Our years are few. He will not suffer. She will. Mia, when you get free, spend your attention like it's your LAST dollar. It should take a lot to get your interest--you need time to identify what deeply matters to YOU. Only then will you know if a person is going to embrace the whole package. What is the package apart from the joint relationship? You should feel great even when he's away. You don't. Because you don't feel great when he's there anymore. You are alone with your own love, and you already own that. Take it back to your place where no one is invalidating you--saying that you're being negative when you ask questions, etc.
I love what you added here, Melissa - "When you get free, spend your attention like it's your LAST dollar. It should take a lot to get your interest--you need time to identify what deeply matters to YOU." Exactly!
"Whenever I tell him this, he tells me that I’m just focusing on too many negative things." This said it all to me. This sounds like an abusive response from someone who doesn't want to look at himself, someone who doesn't seem like he cares all that much about the person they are sharing space with. No good.
I'd look into that and I'd also start sorting myself out. Reevaluating: who am I in this relationship? Have I been neglecting myself in any way? Have I been neglecting my hobbies, my friends, my goals, my family without even noticing? Could it be that I have lost sight of myself here? Why am I making time for someone who's not doing the same?
Personally, I wouldn't care if we have been together for two years or ten. I think we owe it to ourselves to always always go back to ourselves. I'm not saying you shouldn't talk things out. By all means, do. But don't go where we're usually told to go: blaming ourselves for something that takes work from two individuals.
You can raise your concerns, express how you feel and come up specifically with a few requests that would meet your needs while not affecting him. If he freezes you out and tells you you're the problem, then your job is done and you might want to move back to your own place and start focusing on you.
I wouldn't give him more chances because who has the time? We don't live on our own love feelings alone.
That's what stopped me too, Angel. I've learned to recognize words like that for what's behind them from far too many similar relationships - and that tone has always said it all. But if we need to talk, to know we've tried everything to finally move on without regrets, then that, too, is part of understanding ourselves.