I’d been looking for Mr. Right since I was a little girl.
Yes, I was one of those.
I grew up immersed in fairy tales, fantasizing about the day my prince would find me and make all my dreams come true.
The problem was, it didn't happen. At least not the way I thought it would. See, I wanted to be married at 18.
That was my goal.
Yes, that was actually the sole motivation for every single thing I did. Well, that and making a difference in the world, but even that was usually somehow related.
Every job I applied for, every opportunity I took advantage of, every place I traveled to, all of it was about finding love. And by finding love, I mean, finding HIM.
Except that my journey should have been called "Looking for love in all the wrong places" because that’s what it amounted to. Look for love in all the wrong places, from all the wrong people, with all the wrong motivation.
The Mentor
It was a happily married woman I looked up to and admired who finally sat me down one day and said to my incredulous ears, “I think you’re going about this all the wrong way”.
Gee, really? I hadn’t noticed. But her words were the beginning of a journey that ultimately changed my life.
By then I’d been heartbroken more times than I’d like to admit to. I’d been in more “almost” relationships, the kind that were filled with so much potential but no real commitment, than I’d ever thought possible. I wish I’d known you all back then; we could have commiserated together!
I’d been across the country and back and in more places and different scenarios than I’d ever thought possible.
But you know something? She was right.
I had the quantity. I had the variety. I had more than my fair share of experiences in general. But what I didn’t have was clarity.
Oh I thought I did. I thought I had this down. But what I didn’t realize, was that I was operating from a place of following my deeply subconscious programming subscribing to some equally as programmed rules of love that were never actually going to get me what I was truly looking for. Real love.
It was no wonder I kept finding the opposite.
Fake love. False love. Pretend love. Fantasy love.
Oh I had adventures, excitement and all kinds of things I could write a book about (working on it!). But the real kind of love, the kind that’s more than just on the surface, the kind that’s everything we actually want if we could just get past our programming and all those lies we’ve been sold on, that’s an entirely different story.
But it’s the only one that matters.
Real Love
She had everything I wanted. A wonderful, attentive husband, two beautiful children, a house in the suburbs, a little fluffy dog. It was the perfect picture of exactly what I was longing for, but just couldn't seem to find.
I told her everything. I asked her why her it was never my turn.
It turns out she had a lot to say on this subject, because she had been right where I was. See, she'd already made her mistakes, she'd already gone through the "learning things the hard way" piece. Her life may have looked perfect by the time I knew her, but it was for good reason that she knew exactly what I was going through.
The day I poured my heart out to her was the day everything began to change. I couldn't get enough of hearing her gentle but honest words of wisdom.
I kept coming back for more.
She was always there for me, whenever I needed her. She was my rock. My lifeline when I felt like I was drowning in sorrow. She was an ear to listen to my stories of pain and heartbreak, and she was there to remind me that however bad it felt, it would all be okay. That we'd get through it together.
When there was a new guy I was dating, I ran it by her. She pointed out the red flags I couldn't see, and I credit her for keeping me focused on what I wanted my end result to be, rather than getting caught up in the short term feelings that never carried any real long term subtance for me.
It wasn't always easy to hear what she had to say, but to this day I'm glad she said them.
And when things were really tough, on the darkest of days and the lonliest of nights, she was the one I talked to. She gave me a shoulder to cry on when the tears came and felt like they would never stop coming.
But most of all she was my strength. She gave me the strength to keep believing that the guy for me was out there, and that we'd find each other.
And you know what? She was right.
I can't imagine where I would be - or who I would be with - without her. This week, I'm celebrating 15 wonderful years of marriage to the man I love, who loves me - all of me - in return. And I have her to thank for it.
If she hadn't been willing to be truthful and open with me so many years ago, I might never have seen what now seems so obvious. Because that's how it goes - you just can't see it when you're so close to it. You just can't see what you're doing wrong when you're following your programming.
It's time to do something different.
It's time to start to telling yourself a new story. The one I started telling myself when I was finally so sick and tired of fighting for the kind of love that was supposed to happen, but never did - until I stopped fighting.
So stop fighting, Beautiful. Because, really, isn't it time someone was fighting for you, instead?
Now how about you - are you sick and tired of doing all the fighting? Fighting for someone who isn't fighting for you? Tell us all about it in the comments below!
Hi, Jane, and a very blessed anniversary to you and your husband. I'm happy for both of you.
In all honesty I don't know who else to turn to, and without ever having personally met you, I have to just spill out all that's inside of me. Why? Because, frankly, nobody else I've talked to really "gets" it. I receive your weekly "baby" step readings, and I must admit that you, your programs, writings, and videos are the only real "uppers" I feel in support & encouragement of all of us hurting women, rather than demeaning us for what we've "done" to chase men away (like some other relationship "online experts" try to make us believe). The only one I've found N/A to me recently is where you advised to try online dating, invest in a good makeover with a professional hairstylist, makeup artist, etc., then post those "fabulous" pictures. Well, Jane, that just isn't me or who I am, nor do I have financial resources for spending that way. That conveys a phony appearance of me that I most likely will not maintain with ongoing professional appointments. If a man cannot admire me for the best I can look in my "natural" self, as long as I'm neat, clean, & well groomed, and have a nice smile on my face, then he'll never admire me enough when getting to know me. After all, have you seen some of the male pictures that are posted on these sites? Some of them even look "predatory!"
I'm not sure if you can even help me. I'm 61 yrs old and lost my husband a little over 5 yrs ago to leukemia. We were married for 31 yrs, he loved me unconditionally and "like Christ loved the church," and we were planning to renew our vows, but he, unfortunately, did not make it to that point. I have no children and no family around, or even ANY supportive family AT ALL. The loneliness, depression, anxiety, and daily distress living alone, thinking about the 'soulmate' I lost, can be so overwhelming.
Yes, I have a few friends, but it does not fill the gaping hole that sharing & building a home life with a husband can fill. I even listened to a sermon from our pastor this past weekend where he said that God created man and woman to NEED each other ('It is not good for man to be alone'). Yeah, right, like I really needed to hear that when I already know that? I've dated a couple of different guys I met through a couple of different dating sites. Unfortunately, my best of 2 connections deteriorated, mostly because of me, but the second dating experience was a tremendous "abandonment" situation. He walked away from me without letting me know that he'd never come back to "our" relationship. After reading and following a lot of your advice, I finally decided there were red flags early in our dating period that I was blind to, and over time finally realized he was not the right guy in any way for me. Through his extremely hurtful action of walking away from me completely, my trust in him was compromised, and I CANNOT be treated that way. I lost trust in him being able to commit "when the going gets a bit tough." After all, nothing is perfect, but in really loving someone, you just don't desire to walk out on them either. I kept avoiding him when he finally decided he wanted to talk with me by phone only. Then he finally gave up trying since I avoided talking directly to him other than leaving voice messages. You see, he would not even let me know where he moved to in the local area, yet he wanted to "re-connect" by phone? To me, not letting me know his whereabouts was another red flag, because his reconnection would have been on "his terms only," with no regard for my feelings.
I AM losing hope, because I cannot seem to find anyone who really wants to connect on a deeper level other than be more self-centered or focused on other areas of daily life than moving forward to build a new life journey as "one in heart together."
I'm being honest with myself, too, when I say that I can't get close to someone who won't focus on the desire to turn a new chapter into "one" together. I will not be a "distant" acquaintance for any man who simply wants to build "in reverse" - intimacy first, then see if it goes anywhere. To me, that's accepting friendship with benefits. That's NOT who I am, nor will I ever be comfortable with that.
At the other extreme, again thru a dating website, I also met a very nice, trustworthy man who has never been married, is about my age, but still has his mother. He's so close to his mother that everything is centered around what she wants. If trying to schedule time with a new friend - ME - gets too stressful for him, then what does he do? Well, again, "dumping the friendship" was his choice. There was absolutely no other reason to. We got together a few times, and both of us really enjoyed each other's company & friendship, and had a really great time! But, I HAD to be available whenever he was. There was no working around that. I certainly did NOT pressure him to get closer either, just try and get together as friends to enjoy some good times. So, why did he give that up?? My only guess is that scheduling with me created too much stress in his other family rountines. Well, that's not my fault, no doubt.
My new dilemna is that the guy I first dated, who really did commit to me, and who I'd like to re-connect with, left me a phone message a couple of weeks ago when I wasn't home, and I phoned him back, left a simple message of appreciation and willingness to talk with him when he has time to call back again, too. Just something simple, natural, & not in desparation.
Jane, I was surprised to get his call, because that was his first time calling me in over 2 years, and he was obviously thinking about me & wanted to talk to me, right? Otherwise, why did he reach out and call?
Can you help me with this? I don't know if I should try again or keep waiting? Like I said, it's been 2 weeks now and counting since I returned his message, but I don't know who should reach out next in this situation. HE called ME, and I accepted by phoning back, but what was his interest in reaching out to me with a simple phone call in the first place? How else can I handle this? We do live apart, but not that far, perhaps about 85 miles. But, keep in mind that we live in WI, so, winter weather will be here in a few months, which does make travel difficult. So, communication by phone can be the norm, too, for awhile.
Thanks, and lots of love in return to the love you give.......,
Delores
Thank you, Delores, for your best wishes and your kind words. I'm honored to be the one place you've found with messages that are resonating so much with you! Even with my professional photo recommendation, bear in mind these are meant to be natural photos that reflect your best natural you and not an image to maintain, because I completely agree that if you're with someone who's truly right for you, they're going to love you because of exactly who you are, not in spite of you!
I'm so sorry for the tragic loss of your husband. That must be difficult for you, no matter how long it's been, and my heart goes out to you for that.
As for this guy who called after 2 years, without knowing more details like the terms on which your relationship ended and learning more about him, I'd say that you've returned his call and that's enough. A good, honest, on your page kind of man will always return your call or try again. Waiting is so very hard on us, so do anything but that. You're worth some effort, Delores. Always remember that!
Happy 15th Anniversary, Jane!
Since I began learning about your experience in finally finding yourself and true love, I've come a long way. In the past year, I finally have been able to see a recent relationship for what it was -- that it wasn't meant to be -- and let it go and wish the man well. Now I'm not at all sure that I want a relationship at all because my life is very good the way it is. Maybe that is part of my own process of finding true love.
Ever since I saw "Lady and the Tramp" when I was 5 years old, I wanted the happiness that Lady had, but that was mixed with the fact that I believed that it was impossible for me because I believed that I was not "pretty" like Lady and that "Tramp" wouldn't give me a second look. In those early years, my father told me that I looked ugly when I was angry and when I "sniffled." I felt angry all the time, and I had allergies. Of course, I believed my father. I also observed that my parents were very unlike Lady and the Tramp. Neither seemed happy about being married and having three daughters.
For that matter, except for Lady and the Tramp, I didn't see any marriages that looked like what I would want when I grew up. As a child, I thought that only dogs in movies could hope for a happy marriage!!!!
So, I didn't dream of getting married and having children. At least not for long. When I met the man that I didn't let go of until he died 42 years later, I hoped that we would marry and have children but soon realized that all I could hope for was that he would love me from a distance. I gave up on the idea of having children with him because of his drug and alcohol problems. I was sustained by being loved from a distance and loving from a distance. I thought of him every day, and the idealized image of him was my joy.
And, it is occurring to me as I write this, my mother told me when I was quite young that giving birth was extremely painful. I was terrified of the pain she described. Given that she seemed to not only resent me and my sisters but hate us at times, I did not see being a mother as a positive thing. She acted toward my father with contempt, anger and annoyance. I did not want to be like my mother. I still do not see myself as someone who would be a good mother or stepmother. A grandmother, maybe. Mothers as well as fathers have a powerful role in a little girl's sense of self. Only in recent years have I begun to see myself in a positive light in any way at all in connection with other people. For the last 30+ years, living alone in peace has been the best situation for me.
Like Angel, I have come a long way from my childhood. Writing down my beginnings helps me to move forward.
Thank you for this place where we can find our true selves that are worthy of love and always were. If I were to meet a good man my age in the next year or two, we would celebrate 15 years together in our mid-80s! Anything is possible. Still, I am asking myself what I want for the rest of my life. Living alone, having friends and good health, and being at peace with myself at my age is not something that I would give up for anything less than true love.
Thank you, Ella. As for "Maybe that is part of my own process of finding true love." - Absolutely. We have to consider everything before we gain that clarity that can only come when we've entertained all possible options, every kind of possibility, and thought outside of the box enough to know what we're worth and where everything else fits in terms of priorities.
My heart breaks just a little more every time I hear more of the ways our little girl lives are forever changed by the ignorant words of a parent who had no clue the damage that was being done. When we understand why these new ways of thinking take so long to stick, it helps us to be patient and gentle and compassionate with ourselves. We may not be able to change the past, but as you're so courageously finding out, we can change the future!
Happy Anniversary Jane and many more to come! Thanks for being kind and sharing your nuggets of wisdom.
Thank you, Vonda! Always!
Thank you Jane for this wonderful story. I feel like you have “woken” me up to see how I am deserving of love. I wish I would have found your blog years ago. I know the right guy for me is out there. I can’t wait to meet him. Happy Anniversary Jane. I hope to be telling you a story about my anniversary soon.
Me, too, Nett. 🙂 And thank you. Never, ever doubt that! Once you're awake, you can't NOT be awake.
I can't wait to read your book, Jane. I love reading the stories of women out there, women who have lived and who have so much to share. I am glad I see the variety of experiences out there, because even though we have things in common, our lives are significantly different. I was surprised to learn in this post that you wanted to be married at 18 and that your dream was a husband, a house, children and a dog.
I wasn't surprised because it is unusual, it is not very unusual considering many of my friends in the states dreamed of the same thing, but surprising in that it is your experience. I feel like we are getting to know you and it's wonderful to see little details about your life.
My experience and dreams have been slightly different. I also dreamed of love when I was a child. I remember liking boys as early as being 4 years old. I can relate to looking for a him. I also focused a lot on it and sometimes did things for the him of the hour, but I didn't necessarily did activities or went on adventures specifically for any him, at least not a romantic him. It was fearing my father and his disapproval what made me focus on school, university and work. Partly, I felt I wanted to succeed in the way society sees success, so I am ok with my academic and hardworking experience in life, but I cannot deny that it was fear what drove me to do everything I continue to do. That and running away from people and things. Running away from poverty, from abuse, from judgement, criticism, and the people that represented that abuse and judgment I grew up with. It pushed me to dream of leaving my country and finding a better life and opportunities to thrive away from what I thought was holding me down. I don't regret anything, and yet, I paid a price for all of that. I am still paying the price. Isolation, loneliness, economic barriers, racism, sexism, etc. I am glad I am where I wanted to be because I worked hard to get here, and as grateful as I am to my lucky stars and the support I got from a few people in my life, coming here has also been a wake-up call. It's harder than I thought it would be. Like you in your past, I have come to resent my sensitivity sometimes, not because it is inherently wrong, but because I feel it makes my life harder in this world. It is exhausting to feel this much.
Still a him has always been on my mind wherever I go. It's always this hope of finding a him, but honestly, that hope has grown so slim I feel like giving up altogether. And yet part of me still looks. It just doesn't go away entirely. I wish it would.
I never dreamed of marriage and children. I did dream of a house of my own, but for me it was about love in the form of a partner. Just being loved by a man I could love the same way back. Maybe live together and do stuff together, but somehow not necessarily marriage. I still struggle seeing that possibility. I didn't grow up seeing that, and I still haven't met many people who have that vision, though I guess there must be. I try to see it, imagine it and feel it, but I can't. And yet the longing is there. It is just so strange to me that I have a yearning about something I simply cannot imagine. It is enough to make anyone feel crazy, wouldn't you say?
I don't know what I dream of anymore. Even though I am safe and I have a place to go and I continue pursuing scholarly things, I feel a bit gray. The future looks gray. I'm having trouble having hope or faith that things will be ok for all of us, not just for me.
I guess my biggest struggle now is accepting myself, all of it. It's gotten better, but I still haven't gotten to a place where I am permanently loving myself and my flaws.
Now, whenever I am going to a place and the automatic "maybe I'll meet someone" thought pops up, I ground myself and say "you rarely do, sweetie. And when you have, look at where it has ended. Let it go and focus on other stuff". I get a bit sad, but I also feel more grounded and able to enjoy other things while I am out.
Anyway, this turned into venting and rambling. But I hope you are reading. It's nice being able to share this with someone that might understand.
By the way, when is your book coming out? Do you know yet?
It's not supposed to go away, Angel. Trust that it's there for a reason and you don't have to know what that reason is. When you need to know, you will. You know I read every one of these even if I can't respond to them all! Venting and rambling is how we sort through what is ours, what is someone else's, and what it something in between. I began this entire blog venting and rambling in a notebook when I realized for the first time in my life how angry I was and needed a place to go with it. Still in beginning stages of my book, but I'll keep you posted!