What do you do when you come to the end of yet another relationship that didn't work out for you? What do you do with that? Or more precisely, what do you conclude? Do you conclude that there must be something wrong with you?
This is the piece you often hear me talking about on here.
Instead of seeing it as not the right timing for you.
Instead of seeing it as not the right fit for you, either right now or always.
We tend to look at a relationship with someone as that it should work because you’ve put everything you've got into it, or you should be attractive enough, or you should be the perfect match for him.
But it’s never about what it should be. It’s about whether it is, in reality, a good fit for you.
That’s where we’ve gotten so confused here. We think there’s something wrong with us that someone who initially came on so strong leaves us.
We call it rejection. Whether it’s a lover, a friend, a boyfriend, a fiance, a husband, it’s all the same in our eyes from the level of self-esteem and confidence that we come from.
Rejection.
The more it happens, the more we stamp on our foreheads: Rejection material.
No matter how much we may try to give off a different image on the outside or maintain a strong facade of strength; the outer exterior belies the truth. We feel like there must be something wrong with us. We feel like we’ll never figure this out or get it right.
Our feelings become our truth.
We start to believe there’s something wrong with us. If it happens twice, let alone over and over again, it becomes our story.
There’s no one for me. All the good ones are taken. No one will ever love me for me. I was born in the wrong place and time. On and on it goes.
Sound familiar?
But what if it’s not about any of this? I talk about this in my program in detail. This is what forms our programming. This is why we get stuck in attracting the same thing over and over again.
We have to stop letting our stories about ourselves and about a destiny that isn’t changeable spiral out of control like we do.
Just that one thing – seeing things as simply not the right fit, instead of a rejection - changes everything. That’s just one thing. There are so many more things like that that we can do.
How we see the world becomes our reality. We don’t realize it’s a choice. WE don’t realize we even have one!
But we do.
This is where getting curious about what might be possible with another way of looking at your story comes in. This is where asking yourself what would happen if the opposite of what you think was the actual truth formed your reality.
This is where those shifts we talk about begin to happen.
You can’t change something by staying right where you are, doing the same things you’ve always done, thinking the same way you’ve always thought over and over again. You can’t.
I’m here to ask the questions. I’m here to give you reason to look at something a different way and see if a different answer might be called for. I’m here to get you thinking for yourself, Beautiful!
Thinking is good, questioning the status quo is even better.
I remember a long time ago in a Sociology and Anthropology class listening to a lecture on the status quo and how it’s maintained. I had no idea what she was talking about then, and how relevant that would become for me in my journey still to come. Now I can’t NOT talk about that part. It’s become so real.
And that’s the part I want for you. The part where things shift when you realize you’re not a victim, that you have a choice, that you have a beautiful power about you when only you realize you do.
I love seeing you. I love meeting you. I love helping you see what you couldn’t see before.
Walk with me, Beautiful. You’re doing great! That you’re here at all, speaks volumes to me, to the world, the universe, to the light that’s waiting for you to come shining through.
We don’t do this overnight, we do this one step at a time.
One shedding of the old belief system at a time. One throwing off old programming at a time.
This is who we are. This is what we do.
How about you, Beautiful? Can you see this? What are your thoughts? Share them with us below in the comments!
That's the hardest thing for me. Because rejection is a pattern on my relationships. I asked myself for years why guys treat me that way. Thanks to Jane, i understand the reasons but still not able to solve the problem completely. It is especially hard because i grow up with extremely critical parents and everytime i run away from that situation to find people who treat me better, i found the ones who treat me like my parents do. Extremely critical, perfectionist and unaffectionate people. I am currently looking for exactly opposite people, respect and compassion are the top qualities i am looking for. However, i am still fighting with the voice in my head saying ''don't even bother, all guys are jerks!'' I believe guys can't see what i have to offer, i certainly can but they can't. They will never apreciate what i have, only criticize what i haven't. It sounds crazy i know, but it feels so real.
Thank you Jane once more for your amazing article, it really came at the right time.
dealing with rejection is not as easy as it seems, it`s been over two weeks now since the breakup, as much as I have made peace with it, and with the help of your advice and from all the women who advised on this forum I can safely say you guys have helped me a great deal into dealing with this. at least I have managed not to contact him ever since and he also has been quiet. however I still have those feelings of wondering whether I could`ve done things differently, if him breaking up with me was not my fault, if there`s anything lacking with me, and to wonder why he would go for someone else when I thought "I was all he needed and more" (those were some of the things he would tell me when we were still seeing each other)
Thank you for the reminder that this was not about me, and to also look at rejection from a different perspective, I know I will get there with baby steps. and right now I feel like I really need a huge break for some introspection, and to focus more on myself and see if I can change my dating pattern, I am also looking forward to getting through your programme when I`m ready financially as I am in another country (South Africa) so your currency is a bit heavy for me..but I will definitely join your programme as I know that it will come in handy.
Change is hard
It is, Shirley. So hard. And yet, isn't staying right where we are, doing the same thing, feeling the same heartbreak over again, somehow even harder?
Rejection; that old chestnut! I have felt this so many times. I have asked myself the questions of what I could have don't wrong, how did it all become so messed up? My pattern has been men who literally fall at my feet and beg me to stay when I have had enough of the relationship; I felt sorry for them, believed things will change....... only for them to do a complete u turn (sometimes within weeks!) then suddenly the guy who was holding onto my knees and crying is swanning around with some other woman and I am totally forgotten about! I actually find this humorous now as I see it for how it really is; I have given men permission to treat me badly then like a child coaxed out of a sulky mood with sweets, I have gone back for the promised reward! if these men were right for me in the first place I would have felt it, I would have been happy, they wouldn't have had to beg me to stay as I wouldn't have walked as I would have felt loved and respected.
This is not rejection, this is a lesson for myself about my own worth. This is the first time in my life I have been single for months and I am learning to not reject myself by selling myself short with emotionally unavailable men.
The hard lesson is changing the well worn patterns; this is my responsibility. I owe it to myself.
What amazing women you all are and how wonderful that we can use our previous pain to empower ourselves and each other!
And how amazing YOU are, Julie-Ann, to be seeing your pattern as clearly as you are - and owning it because we can only change what we first own. I absolutely adore this community of women here who as you so aptly put it, are using "our previous pain to empower ourselves and each other!" It's the only way we do this, together, not alone. No matter who we are or think we "should" be! Thank you for sharing, for supporting, for being here. We each tell a different story of how we got here, but I am so grateful for each and every one of us who did. 🙂
Jane,
Somehow, you know just what to say, how to instill hope, how to lead us all out of the mire of disappointment and sadness to new ground of self love. I struggle day after day with wanting what I could not have and having what I did not want in this last relationship. I am here, and your emails are so timely and help so much lessen the pains of heartbreak with the fortitude of encouragement and mindfullness.
I would like very much to work more closely with you to accelerate this process of living abundantly. I have so much to be grateful for and the wind in my sails blowing me forward into uncharted waters.
Eliza
I love hearing from you, Eliza, to know that the message of hope resonating in my heart for you when I wrote down these words, came through to your own. Thank you for sharing. I know this isn't easy. The old ground pulls and the new ground seems so out of reach but somewhere in the middle is the day to day walk that I'm honored to be the one you're choosing to take those steps with. There's so much to be grateful for in those sails!
Reality checks are at times what I believe what I don't want to see, " not the right fit" because then I am no longer in that swirl of negative drama. At this time, I am by myself and enjoying the self I always known I have. My reality is I will enjoy who I am and for the first time in my life, give myself inspiration to be happy. For so long, I cope out and inspire others. I am not going to concern myself with finding a relationship, building one with myself is more important. Thank you for your post, I am trying to "fit" with what I have inside that is already perfectly fine.
yay!
Thank you, Phoenix, for stopping by and sharing a piece of your heart here. More than perfectly fine! What you've shared is so eloquently and beautifully stated. Oh to give to ourselves what we give to so many others as if that somehow makes it less than!
I'm in that fase where I'm sure I must be doing something wrong...
People say I shouldn't show myself as such and independent woman, men get scared. How am I going to be any different from what I am? Insn't HE supposed to accept me from what I am?
I don't know what to do differently.
How am I doing the choosing when there aren't any options to choose from?
Maybe I'm attracting the wrong type of guy?
What can I do when I'm just not attracted to that one man that wants to date me? No attraction at all...
You're not doing anything wrong. You are just living your life. There is no formula to find some mythical "him". Please do not believe lazy gendered advice like "don't be independent because you scare men away". That is preposterous. People in general are more complex than that and just because a person identifies as male, it doesn't mean you have him figured out before you even dig deeper just based on stereotypes. Besides, if that were actually true, why would you want to be less so some guy who's insecure can be accepting of you? That is absurd, my dear. Block that noise out. Be who you are. This one is tricky though because we are many things at different times. Acceptance of ourselves is what brings us peace. You don't control how other people react to you or feel about you. But you can control how you respond and what you do with the people that show up. That's the choice Jane is talking about here. Don't put all your hopes and dreams on a simple man before you even get to know who he truly is and whether or not you are compatible in ways that matter. Don't pick a man just because he's looking your way. Take your time to decide if you actually like him as a person and if he matches you. Another thing you could try is looking at the guy who is kinder and more present for you without promising anything, just actually getting to know him as you would any other person and ask yourself why you are not attracted to him. Attraction is a bit more complex than we realize and our preferences don't happen in a vacuum. They have been predetermined by our environment. To break free, you could look at your patterns and wonder why you make the choices you make. I can relate to that feeling of trying hard and feeling lost, but you're not alone. I hope this helps somewhat.
"because we are many things at different times" - Exactly, Angel! And this is also why we can love more than one person in our lives because we ourselves shift and change and grow as we go along.
" Don't pick a man just because he's looking your way. Take your time to decide if you actually like him as a person and if he matches you" This is so profound I need to paste this somewhere in my room to always be the reminder on take things slow until I get to know a person for who they are. Thank you for this.
Thank you Angel, you always have nice words. 🙂
You know, Anna, there is such a difference between projecting ourselves as independent women and being who we are including being an independent woman. No one knows how to be anything anymore, and yet we're all trying to be what we should be and falling flat in the process because we can only be ourselves, we can authentically be who we actually are. You've got this. They, whoever your they is, don't. If the men you're finding or the ones that are finding you, don't seem like the right ones, then don't get stuck there. Move on to other types, other men who show you something different, who can handle and more than accept you exactly as you are. There is no competition; there is only the embracing of who you are and the portrayal of that beautiful woman, whoever, and whatever she's about.
I will try, thank you Jane..
And the men don't help ups much either! In fact it seems as if they "feed' off or "we are attracting" this types to us!!
Uggh!!
The pain, the pain the pain - to find strength in pain - looking, looking, looking to find something good out of the horrible situation - Jane gives us the key - the timing is not right for this one - maybe not now or ever.
mmmm.
Did anyone see Wonder Woman this weekend? I did - Her people were the "Amazons" - strong, beautiful, fearless warrior women! And there were no men who lived in the breathtaking beautiful place the Amazons called home!
Ha
What I took away from the movie - is that deep down we women - really are AMAZONS - I need to see my strength and connect with it to help me appreciate this sweet, wonderful gift of life.
Any issue I am experiencing in my life - can, will and MUST be resolved by my getting to knw Alasha better - the sweet, beautiful, fearless, strong Amazon she is smile - there is no room for rejection to live here!
ok...
Repeat 10xs......
Godspeed to my sister Amazons!!!
Love this, Alasha. Herein lies one of our greatest challenges as strong, yet deeply sensitive women. To connect - and stay connected - to the softness that makes us who we are, while defining and redefining what it means to be strong. There is no label that others can put on us that can capture the true meaning of a real woman like the one we give ourselves when we understand the depths of who we are and what we are all about!
I lost a man that meant the world to me. I lost him because I chose to focus on what was not working for me, on the things about him that I didnt like, on the things that he wasnt ready to deliver although he was saying he was.
He had so many good qualities about him. He was the most.l caring , generous man ive ever been with. But his dedication to his grown children got in the way of the growth of our relationship an d the fact that he was not opened emotionally made ma feel like I was second fiddle to him. Never a priority. I pushed him away breaking up with him twice hoping to make him realize what he was losing. And when he didnt come back I went looking for him.
We tried again anad again. Or better yet, I tried. Since he didnt believe there was anything wrong, he wouldnt make any changes. And I resented him more and more each day. I got frustrated first, then angry. And I turned mean. I nagged. I demanded his love, his attention, I made him feel he was noy doing enough...
He stayed put but withdrew himself emotionally and physically more and more. And I resented him more and more.
I broke up with him yet again. And its been 4 months now. Im overwhelmed with grief and sadness.
I miss him oh so horrible to the point that I cant function because im constantly thinking about all I had with him and lost. 4 years of my life. I realized now how much I focused on what I needed to get from him rather than on what I was getting.
Im overcome by regret.
I tried contacting him and wrote him a letter of apology. I aske him to meet me at the same place we met on our first date. He didnt show up. He never replied to my letter either.
How do I go on NOT thinking that Im not good? That Im not a good person?
I made a terrible mistake and Im paying for it. Will I ever stop paying for it?
Im 51 years old and the confident, outgoing woman that I always was its gone.
I ve lost myself.
I'm so sorry you're hurting this much. I hope in time you gain the clarity that you need. What you might want to keep an eye on is this: you tried to be there on his terms, but you couldn't. Something in the way you write your post seems to me like you're idealizing things and forgetting the not-so-good things. Our brains do that and this is why you're beating yourself up, but you have no reason to. You weren't getting something that you truly need, or else everything would have been fine. Don't sell yourself short. Trust that you know deep down when things are not what you really need them to be. You were unhappy for a reason. I hope you start being a bit more compassionate towards yourself and consider the possibility that he was not the man for you, no matter how "perfect" he seems to you right now.
Hugs.
Oh Adriana, when we try and try to make something work and makes ourselves fit into someone else's life and yet the signs and the will of that person keep showing us what we don't want to admit we can't live with, all kinds of versions of ourselves come out. We can't pretend we can when we can't. That's how we get lost. You knew even as you didn't want to know, and so I ask you, can you really go back, could you really go back again to the terms - his terms, his priorities - that you couldn't do then? Could you really do them now? Find yourself apart from him, apart from anything to do with him, in the eyes of people who love you and support you for you, for who you are, not who you think you should have been able to be, to handle a life with him. I'll bet you're somewhere different now, and in a different place, in a least expected place , is where you'll find you again. Don't be afraid to go there even if you don't recognize where you are. The irony of being lost is that we find ourselves not where we were lost, but where we never thought we'd be found.
I can relate, I had a similar situation, in fact he was my best friend, and apparently I was his. We've know each other for over 20 years, and had been together for about 8 years, but not living together. I wanted marriage, and he did not, (He went through 2 divorces, and incidentally, I was the friend that was there to support him through his trials) even though he kept telling me that he wanted to be with me in marriage, but that we needed to keep working on our relationship, so I held on and worked harder to show and convince him that I was worthy, I basically contorted myself into a human pretzel to please him. I got fed up with the situation, and told him that obviously I was not what he wanted, especially after knowing me for 20 odd years. So I told him to find someone else that is willing to give her ALL for no return in commitment, a month later he was seeing someone else... that was 7 months ago. I'm 51 years old, and my self assurance when it come to men, is nil.
Thank you, Jane for the timely reminder. I was thinking about this very thing this past holiday weekend here. I have noticed how every time things turn out the same, the feelings of frustration and the "I'm not good enough" story come back strong for a few days. But I also notice that everything I've been learning the past three years also comes to diminish, if only a little bit, my defeatist attitude after the disappointment. It's very slow, isn't it?
I had an interesting few-minute talk with a guy I have seen a couple of times and I found myself both noticing things about myself and noticing a pattern with several men I have met recently. He was asking me about what I wanted because we were talking about this men-women binary thing we have going on in society and he saw how I shook my head when he said "women need a man that is stronger than they are". I mentioned how I didn't see it that way and he started asking more questions. Basically, I mentioned my past experiences and why this patterned was ingrained in me and how when I decided I wanted something different, I started noticing changes. He seemed to believe we couldn't change our feelings or our chemistry patterns, as it were. Then he told me about how he kept pining for a woman who was pining for someone else who mistreated her. He seemed a bit baffled when I asked him why he was pining for someone who couldn't see him. Why, if he could see her pattern clearly, he wasn't looking at his own.
It's funny that men seem not to think clearly about themselves, how they ironically don't see their own patterns that are also keeping them stuck.
I figure I'm not alone and I indeed have learned a lot. But the feelings of rejection don't go away easily. I stumble a lot still, but I'm glad I am slowly looking at the men who leave more clearly and seeing that, even if I'm disappointed, I can see they weren't exactly what I'm looking for in more ways than one.
No, they don't go away easily, Angel. Not when we feel as deeply as we do. I'm inspired, though, by your words here. I'm seeing your self-awareness, and seeing you in conversation like this with another's awareness, is showing you the types of conversations you'll be having with someone where it goes further than this, where it's not an ending, but only a beginning of so much more to come. Your greatest challenge will be to not become discouraged. Yes, it 's slow, and never as fast as we want it to be. But the longer we take, I'm convinced the richer the experience, the more ready the person we're seeking will be to match our level of depth, of deep insight, and be ready for exactly who we are becoming no matter the pace. Keep going where these conversations happen - and find more places where you can have them with more people, and all types of people. I'm going to make the assumption that you could never be with someone who doesn't stimulate you intellectually!
Jane, you just said something I've heard several times in one way or another either from friends or from the very men I have tried to date. Apparently, they all seem to think I need some sort of special, specific kind of partner. I don't disagree entirely, but I just noticed that I felt discouraged a bit because I see that not many men I know can actually stimulate me in a non-threatening, not smug type of way 🙁 I just noticed that I'm afraid to set that bar because I'm afraid no one will reach it. The last guy I tried dating shared something with several others from the last year. I was willing to give him a chance because I thought he was cute and he was showing interest even though I could see myself a bit bored by the fact that, if I didn't keep the conversation going or asked him deeper questions, he wasn't going to dig deeper. I see now that he clearly wasn't looking for the same thing I am and that I subconsciously continue to put my real desires on hold because I don't think I will be able to find a partner that matches them. I was so hoping and willing to get to know this guy better and maybe have someone who wanted to stay with me, that I was trying to ignore the voice that said, "he's not it. He's not a good match and you have seen the reasons". It's like I'm somehow refusing to say no confidently because not many men approach me, so it would be my fault if I don't try to make it work with the ones that do.
How can I complain that I can't find someone if I don't try with the few ones that I find attractive and who seem to be interested? And the blaming comes back.
Thank you for always being there. Your words today allowed me to see more things I continue to do without noticing.