Beautiful Kim has been in an on-again-off-again relationship with a guy for quite a while now, and she's left feeling nothing but drained and confused. Sound familiar?
Here's her story:
Hey Jane,
So I met this guy Tommy almost 8 years ago. When we first met he pursued me, got my number from his friends, texted me all the time etc. etc.
Long story short I have a son and had issues necessarily finding a sitter for him and had to cancel a couple dates. We stopped talking after about the 3rd time. I never once stopped thinking of him.
Over the years we have always tried re-connecting, hanging out. He is the guy that opens all the doors, buys all the drinks, says "Yes sir" and "Yes ma'am."
When I'd get ready to leave his house he'd refuse to let me leave and wanted me to lay with him till the morning. Even saying things like "I really miss how you fit in my arms." Promising to go do things such as football games, bike rides, etc. etc.
I had literally given up all hope this year but we ran into each other out one night and since then he has literally been messaging me constantly - at least 4-5 times a week - and we talk about whatever and all of it.
We are both now recently single from long relationships. I've been hurt deeply by my past relationships and don't have the energy to keep investing in dead ends.
Yet last week when we hung out he brought me around all his friends and begged me not to leave, gave me hugs etc. in front of them, which I assumed was a great sign.
Then St. Patty's day he snapchatted/texted me all night saying how much he wished I was there. He even texted me Tuesday night saying he was sorry for not responding to my message earlier that evening with a pic.
I am SOOO CONFUSED. I can never tell if he wants more and I don't think I can deal with another 8 years of this.
PLEASE HELP!
- Kim
My Response:
We can’t play with fire and not expect to be burned. And in the same way, we can’t play with confusion and not expect to be confused ourselves.
Welcome to the club, Kim.
It's not just you. He’s confused, Kim. He doesn’t know what he wants.
And like most of the men who leave us drained and confused, they also present themselves as some of the most sensitive, good-natured, gentlemanly, attuned men we’ve ever known. It’s not because they’re not all these, and it’s not because they’re trying to confuse us or deliberately play us like this, it’s simply because they don’t know how to move through the real stuff.
The real stuff of relationships isn’t something they’ve ever learned how to do.
So what you’re signing up for (if you want to see where this goes) is more confusion, more drain, more of the same until he figures out what he wants and why. Oh you can certainly inspire him, but more than that, he has to be motivated enough to want to make something out of your relationship.
Is it as simple as giving him space, letting him pursue you, being – not playing – but actually being a little hard to get?
Maybe.
But something tells me there’s more to this guy than just the typical MO. And I think that’s why you’re here. And why you reached out. And why you’re confused. Because he doesn’t seem like he’s just like the rest.
There’s something more.
So here’s my question for you - do you want to see where this goes?
Is he worth being confused and drained to see this through a little further? Because if he is, then we need to talk. If he isn’t, then you’ve got your answer.
If we talked, here’s something of what I’d ask you:
Is this about you asking him to define things before he’s ready to? Does he pull back in response to sensing some pressure to be more, to give you more, to define the two of you before he’s ready to? Or does he do this without you saying or doing anything, because he’s triggered without you having to say or do anything besides being yourself.
You see, some men are so sensitive underneath, we don’t have to do anything to give off the vibe that we’re the real deal, that we want the real thing – meaning a relationship. And especially when you are the real deal, when you are as close to perfect as they’ve found, that this puts more pressure on them than they know what to do with.
Ironically, without you doing anything at all!
This is why the old “he’s just not that into you”, isn’t always as clear an explanation as it seems on the surface, and it’s also why you almost always have a sense of when that’s what it is, and when it’s not the case.
So if this guy carries some worth for you, and I’m assuming he does or else you would have already given up and moved on and wouldn’t be here asking for my advice in the first place, I’m going to ask you to throw out any preconceived notions you have about what it means to be in a relationship with someone.
I’m going to give you a little unconventional advice and suggest you play this by ear for awhile and see if this guy is someone who needs a backdoor entrance into a relationship rather than the usual and culturally approved front door.
Meaning, I’m wondering if he needs to know he can trust you before he gives you any reason to trust that he’s for real.
So you throw out convention and the usual progression of things and you play it by ear for a while to see where things go. With this new mindset – and one that you’re choosing coming from a place of your own power, by the way – you get to see what he’s made of when there's nothing to do but be.
You simply enjoy his company, you enjoy your time spent with him without anything heavy, and you see how things play out. For a time limit that you also choose.
And then at the end of the time limit – this isn’t one you tell him, about, instead it’s the one you decide for your own purposes – you decide what you want to do with him.
Are you ready to move on? Give him more time? Or something else altogether?
Because Kim, I’m not convinced we can see our way clear on these men until we’ve given it everything we’ve got, until we’ve done what we imagine ourselves regretting down the road if we didn’t do, and that it’s only after that we can decide what is actually in our best interest and not just our own deeply personal feelings of rejection, and not being good enough.
Yes, remind your heart that this is only a trial to see what might be underneath with him so you don’t get yourself so attached that you can’t get yourself back if he just can’t do this.
When you’ve done everything you can – and then some – is the only time you can see through the feeling that it’s not you, to the reality that yes, it really is all about him.
And that’s one place, Kim, where the confusion and draining melts away and in its place we find the one thing that brings us peace: clarity.
But to get there, we have to go through. I don’t know of anyone of us who gets there any other way.
I hope this helps!
Love,
Jane
What do you think beautiful Kim should do in this situation? Let her, and the rest of us, know below in the comments!
i stumbled on this page. and I can relate to her experience a little . im confused as well about this guy im talking too. we've been talking for 9months now and we're long distance. but we talk everyday . from the beginning I was honest that I didnt want something casual and felt the same . and we decided to take things slow and get to know each other but for it to eventually turn into something more. his actions says hes interested and we usually check in with each after a while to see if we are still on the same page. and he always say he agree and that he want to get to know me more. but for me I feel like now 9months later things are going too slow. he still hasn't actually said he like or hes interested in me not in words ( I like you or im interested in you ) .. but when say to him that I feel like maybe hes not , he says if he wasn't he wouldn't put in any effort and I know he would because that the type of man he is, he doesn't do anything that he doesn't feel..but its still confusing that he doesn't say it when Ive told him I like him,.,I went to visit him in august 2020 and we did spend time together a but when he asked me out , he didn't want to call it a date , he called it " hanging out) he felt that he didnt want to put label on things but that I can think of it as a date if I want, and that bothered me ...I was chocked because he even took me to meet his mom and sister but I didnt know what to think of it because maybe he does that with everyone even though he said he doesn't.. it was confusing because how can he take me to meet his mom and sister when he cant even tell me he like me or even interested in me. or being like " hey I would like to take you on a date "...I felt like it was because maybe hes not into me like that . even though every time he would take me out it was basically a date the way he treated me and just the whole thing . I tend to overthink things and my anxiety get to me... so I don't know if its me overthinking it or if its true because his words and actions says other wise . hes consistent with his effort , calling , texting basically cons give me his time . so its really confusing. I feel like im in limbo and I don't know what to do . im going to see him again in a few weeks and I have decide that thats my timeline of having a conversation with him about what we are doing so I can have clarity , I still want us to take things slow but to have a more clear path of what we are doing / going . I have decide that im willing to walk away if he doesn't want to something more real. . I hope it make sense.. I hope you can help make think a little clear for me. am I making the right decision here, thank you.
I'm drained. How do you continue to enjoy the company of someone you love and he says he loves you because he's confused?
I'm more confused by the letter than the guy here! It seems like you've broken the dates, and aren't that available (I'm a single mum, so I get that it's hard). He's asking you to stay, and you have to leave. Is this guy maybe feeling like you aren't interested? Is he not understanding that you have responsibilities and those come first?
I think if you really want to pursue a relationship with this guy, there's a point where you need to sit down and talk about the fact you're a single mother, you can't be with him all the time, you have to go back to being mum. He might just not get that if he doesn't have kids himself, he may just feel a little rejected that you can't always make him no 1. He needs to be able to accept that if you're ever to have a real relationship. Some guys can't, and some just need you to explain where you're coming from so they can try.
It doesn't sound to me like he's really done anything other than be sweet to you. Or am I missing something?
I'm reading this as he's not clear on that and probably can't, Nicola. Thanks for adding your perspective to the conversation.
I'm reading this as he's not clear on that and probably can't, Nicola. Thanks for adding your perspective to the conversation!
I love this post because I'm going through something similar. He's confused about being in a full commitment (he's been married 3 times) and is really trying not to jump in too soon. So we've talked about taking it slow...getting to know each other, etc. I feel like the best thing I can do, for both of us, is give it time for both myself and him to figure it out (I feel like I need to know more about him too).
My struggle is though that if I'm open to dating other people, I feel badly like I'm doing something wrong against him. We aren't having sex but we spend the night together and have really strong chemistry - so it's hard to do the wait and see where things go but let's also decide if we want to sleep together while at this place.
Being at the decision point of just ok - let's be exclusive but take things slow still feels like getting into a commitment. Jane - any advice on how to live out your advice (limiting time together, not messaging daily, etc.) - I believe what you're saying but I'm struggling right now with putting it into practice.
Reverse it, Lou. If you don't know for sure that he's committed to you, how can you put all your eggs in one basket with him? Yes, it takes time - and you're wise to see that - but you're the one who's being so reasonable to accommodate his confusion. He's confused about you. He's confused about making a full commitment to you. So yes we know it's all about his trust issues or his exes or his upbringing, and yes, of course we understand why he can't know for sure. But the reality is this doesn't make any one of us secure when we're going through this part with someone. It doesn't build trust, it doesn't give us any security, it doesn't help our insecurities but heightens them instead.
So what you're left with, Lou, is that you have to look out for you, you have to find that balance that feels right to you between being with him and being open to moving the relationship forward and still protecting yourself by keeping your options open. This is a mindset that you navigate from within. By remembering who you are, reminding yourself that you're the one doing the choosing and a relationship with him only works if it works for you as well! Always come back to this piece - he's confused. Are you confused? No, of course you're not. That's why this is so frustrating (and draining and confusing!), because you know what you want and are ready to move ahead to that and he isn't. Know what your terms are, know what not working for you would look like, know how much waiting you can do. Can you just be with him and enjoy what you obviously get from him just by being with him without needing a commitment? Don't pretend you can if you can't. But if you can, that's usually when he starts coming out of his confusion because the pressure he feels is lessened. Hope that helps! 🙂
I believe in my heart of hearts that the advice you have given to this very wonderful lady ..she should consider herself wonderful because she was made in the imagine and likeness of the Master of all things. letting life work out what comes next.. Relationships ...as welf as friendships friendships need time to grow ...often it takes time and being a friend is best..Later having been a friend ...bodes the best..When or if there is more the road is more smoother...more truer..God Bless itthis manificent one ..Let her look heavenward while she waits and let life develope where....it should ....smile...as much as possible for yourself as much as for others you meet along the way...The song"Light. Your Candle. " is a most wonderful place to continue your in your own most magnificent world...Great great ... lyrics ...check them out ....and enjoy how you may help others ...while you wait for your answer..You may find The above mentioned song ..onYouTube
Beautiful!