One of our beautiful readers, Charlotte, is at a loss to know what to do about her boyfriend's commitment issues. I know so many of you have similarly faced this in your own relationships, or are going through this now. I've given my response below, but I know she'd love to have your take on her situation as well.
Her Letter:
Hi Jane,
Due to your experience in the matter I thought that maybe you can help.
I have been together with my boyfriend for five years. We have had our share of troubles, but are still together. On an everyday basis he is nice to me - giving me massages, taking care for me etc.
However, whenever we talk about the future, he becomes indefinite. He keeps putting off having a family or marrying.
It was not such a huge problem for several years for me, because I did not know if I was interested in that either. However, now I know that I want to have a family. I want to settle down and he seems to be unable to make up his mind.
He tells me he wants to have a family, but some time in the future. He has been telling me this for two years now.
When I confronted him about the issue - he told me that he does not like my tone and that he is constantly doing things for me and constantly also doing things for our future. When I asked about what these things are - he just got angry and passive aggressive.
Granted, I was not particularly nice either, but we have talked so many times about the issue and it seems to me that he is not giving any answers, just keeps putting things off to the future. I cannot understand him.
If he did not have feelings for me, he would not be so loving on an everyday basis. But why does he not make future plans with me and why does he tell me that maybe we will not have children together because our relationship might not work out?
Last time he said this I exploded.
I told him that he has commitment fears and that I cannot relax into relationship where he seems to be constantly just evalauating if he wants to be with me in the long run. I just feel like I am constantly trying to push the relationship forward and he is blocking everything.
He has been ignoring me ever since (two days) and we live together.
What should I do?
- Charlotte
My Response:
He’s feeling cornered, Charlotte. And when he feels cornered, he goes into defensive mode or silent mode or retreat mode. But it’s not where you want to be.
It doesn’t give you the real him. And it doesn’t give him the real you.
He doesn’t know, so he goes into blame and attack mode when he feels the pressure that he’s supposed to know.
This is where it is so important to get int touch with your own intuition. You, more than anyone know what you should do. And it’s not even like there is a should do. There is only what you choose to do.
You’re so in control of you ,Beautiful. You still know who you are and what you’re about and what matters to you.
The more you know what you want, the more you’re going to want him to know what he wants.
For sure. Beyond a shadow of a doubt. Conclusively.
But what you’re hearing from him is his truth right now. He doesn’t know exactly what he wants right now because he’s not there. He’s still sorting out his timeline, getting his head around getting married, starting a family, being a dad.
Those are a big deal to him.
Because unlike us who tend to focus on those things from a more emotional perspective, he’s focused on the details of what that actually looks like and what that means to him. He’s thinking responsibilities and realities. He’s being triggered by everything he’s ever been told about marriage and starting a family that our culture so often spins as the end of his freedom as he’s known it.
He’s got to walk through this one slowly, at his own pace. And pressuring him for a definitive answer more than he’s ready to give you one, isn’t bringing you closer to the answer you want from him. The more you push for one, the more he pulls away.
The less he can think clearly and give you his own well-thought out answer, the more he’s going to be resentful of you.
You have every right to know where he stands, but by forcing the issue now, before he’s ready to give you one, the answer is almost always not going to be a favorable one. Instead, if you can validate your right to know, if you can calm yourself by knowing there’s a backdoor to getting what you want here, you’ve got an opportunity to still receive that answer.
But it starts by backing off, by acknowledging where he is right now and accepting that as part of his journey. You need this one to come from him. If you force it, you’re only going to get more resentment.
You need this to be his definitive answer.
Set a timeline for yourself. Don’t share it with him, but decide for yourself how long you’re willing to be with him until he knows for sure what he wants and that it’s a future with marriage and starting a family together with you.
What’s reasonable for you?
Then decide what you're going to do at the end of that timeline. Not now. Then.
It has to be a timeline you can actually live with either way, whatever his answer may be.
If all you’re doing is waiting in that space, it’s going to be very hard to keep that timeline. So live in that space. Do what makes you happy, do what brings you a sense of passion and excitement for who you are right now.
When you get married and have children you won’t have all the time and energy to focus on just you. If you can put aside your fears, your anxiety for this time, you’ll be able to see this season of life you’re in right now as something that has meaning too.
But most of all, Charlotte, without knowing more of your specific situation, I want to tell you this; I do know that most of us have a sense.
Most of us know our answers before he says his. Most of us have a gut instinct that tells us what page he’s on and if it’s the same page as us before he says anything at all. We just haven’t learned to trust it.
I hope this gives you something to think about, something to resonate with you so you can come to an answer that gives you peace. It’s always in someone’s actions - more than any words he could give you - that you find your truest answer.
Love,
Jane
Sound familiar? Tell Charlotte below in the comments what you want her to know. She's grateful!
Until your in a position in your life where you are satisfied and happy with your own goals and aspirations without focusing on someone else to fill that void, it is unlikely it will be the right time for another person to come in and share your life. It is a strange paradox, but I believe it is true. We have to fall in love with ourselves, and stay in love with the special person we are, to be passionate about our own path, and then, is the right time to join forces with someone else.
Charlotte find another boy who will treat you for who you are
Charlotte I would go and find another boy who would treat you for who you are
Hi Charlotte,
I'm going to throw in a rather skewed perspective in my response to the dilemma you're currently facing. Without going into a lot of unnecessary back history, I have had an opportunity to have lived and been in a very loving and very relationship with my soulmate. Sadly, she was taken away from me when we were both involved in an accident. That relationship was not without its own set of difficulties at all. But through it all, as Jane knows after having had to work with me going over the same repetitive discussions with me, I went with my gut instinct on it, my intuition I suppose. And that instinct told me that things would work out between us. And there were a number of seeming impossible to overcome matters that needed to be worked out, the biggest being that at the time we were both discovering whom each of us were and figuring out if we'd be able to make in the long run together was her uncertainly about the two of us ever being able to be physically intimate together.
In time, after a soft break up of sorts in which she told me she did not want to be in a relationship anymore with me did things start on an upward trajectory and we got over that hurdle. But early on, even though my instincts told me things would work out, I had let Jane know that if things did not change by the start of the New Year, I would consider calling things off.
So what does this all mean to you and why do I mention this? In sales, we have "real" opportunities and then there are our "hopes and dreams." If you listen to your intuition as Jane says, you'll know whether there is something that is very "real" or if you're simply hoping and dreaming that something will turn around and become very real. I will say this: I would never have told my partner that "I am constantly doing things" when challenged about the directions things are going. This to me is a red flag. A man does things because he wants too, not because he is coerced into doing them. And frankly, if anybody is giving you that kind of attitude, if they're young and mature, maybe you can give them a pass but if they are at a point in their life where they ought to know better, you should tell him to step off reconsider whether he really wants to make it sound that way. You have every right to know what's going on.
But that's my opinion. I don't sound very favorable to this guy only because a good friend of mine is this way with a "girlfriend" of four years and I know his history of moving around from one woman tot he next every couple of years.
Very familiar, yes. The crossroad and the time.... Be careful of our tendency of just waiting for THE answer, for HIS answer, and not living the "timeline" like Jane advises. We tend to do it, maybe because we know the answer already, but we are scared and blocked by our own fears. First, try to break the circle, do anything differently, for yourself only, refocus - look forward on what truly moves and inspires you, what makes you smile. Do it, however ridiculous it is.
Take care
I agree with what a lot of others have said. There are quite a few good books on what this all means. But I definitely think after 5 yrs he should know if he wants to be with you or not. Depending on your ages, a lot of times men won't commit till they feel they are at a spot in their careers where they can support their future wife/family. So maybe when he says hes working on it, thats what he means. I agree with Jane tho, you should definitely pick a date acceptable for you, don't tell him, don't pester him about the future, marriage, and kids anymore, and when that date arrives, throw in the towel, explain to him you're done wasting valuable time and move on. Good luck!
this is a story we all know too well but not so well when we're in it.
by concerning him with constant fear of commitment he feels pressured and scared so running is safe. but also by forcing him onto our own ideals thats not being genuine either. commitment from him needs to be from his point of view, women can influence but just because she wants it doesnt mean he will want it. i think commitment is a highly sensitive topic that will drive both men and women away if they feel like they are trapped. if the relationship was going well with two people who are ready and want commitment it wouldn't be that difficult. sometimes our gut feelings are correct we just avoid it or try to make things work out. if your happiness isnt where its at in the present then the relationship must be done.
Been there, done that. Spent over 3 years waiting. I left too, he let me go without a fight. A couple of years later he met someone and within six months had proposed, 6 months later he was married. They just recently had a baby. I'm glad I walked away and don't have a single ounce of regret. I should have never given someone that long to waste my time. I been keen on not doing that anymore since him. People who want to be with you, just are. You don't have to give them ultimatums, you don't have to beg and wait. To be honest once I let him go I realized I didn't even love him, I just don't want to lose. I kept thinking about all the time I'd "invested" and starting over. Once I realized that being single was better than waiting for someone "to settle" on me, I never looked back. Take back your power. You're hiding lack of action behind him and waiting for him to make a decision about you and the relationship. YOU have the power. Make the decision to choose you, even if he never does.
Hi Charlotte ~
I do understand what you are going through. As Jane mentioned, without knowing all the details of your particular situation, it is difficult to assess exactly what may be going on with him. Unfortunately, we cannot force, or expect, to get answers from someone that may not even know the answers himself.
The best advice I have for you ---- I hope you don't mind my advice, and at the same time remember many of us have been through a situation like this. So here goes my take on it...
It happens when we think all is okay, and if we just give him time --- he will come around to know we are "the one" for him. Suddenly we deep think it and dream about the what ifs. We imagine ourselves as a little girl locked up in the castle, and he comes riding up on his horse...to the rescue. Enough said. You know and I know, as many others know...it doesn't happen this way.
It's a relationship, much like any relationship. True relationships are give and take. They are having the best interest of your significant other or your spouse or your best friend at heart... and soul. You care immensely for him and he is suppose to care immensely for you. His actions have to back up his words. That is how it is suppose to be. Remember that. I am not saying that it can't be a great, once in a lifetime love...but it should always be a promise that is not broken, and him not afraid to talk it out with you, as communication is so key in any relationship.
Maybe, he is the one for you, and if that is what you want, I wish you the best. But if he can't give you even a time frame, then it is obvious that he is incapable of that right now, and as Jane mentioned...you need to give him his space. Do Not be afraid to walk away. Your well being, your health, your sanity, is at stake. So..do what's right for you right now.
Take care of you. And I know that is easier said than done---- but you can do it. I did and I am not any special rare breed of a female. I am a human being with feelings, and needs and wants, just as you are. I know first-hand that you have to take care of yourself first....you have to feel good about you, and if it takes letting go, then so be it. If it's meant to be, he will come around. And if it's not, then you did yourself a favor to keep yourself open to the possibility of a new Love...the possibility of finding a partner that will be ready and willing to give you what you so deserve. I hope I helped.
God Speed,
Lora B.
Tell this man to disappear from your life immediately. He is just a time waster. If he wants to waste his time, that's fine but he doesn't need to be wasting yours.
Charlotte, I really truly feel your pain. I went through almost exactly the same thing with my boyfriend of five years. We lived together for 4 of those 5 years, raised a dog together, made a home together, became a huge part of each other's families. I saw my future with him. Marriage, family, the whole thing. Over the course of our relationship he went from telling me I was the woman of his dreams who he had been waiting for his entire life and couldn't wait to marry, to him being completely unsure, to wanting to marry me again, and then back to uncertainty. He had a really hard time talking about our future. Finally I couldn't take it anymore. As Jane mentioned, I gave myself a timeline that I did not share with him. At the end of that timeline, I made the hardest decision I have ever made in my life. I told him if he couldn't move forward with me in this relationship, I couldn't stay. So I left. And he let me go, without a fight. I'm still sorting through all the pain, betrayal and sadness that left me with, but I knew deep down that ultimately, I could not be with someone who's heart was not in it 100%. I knew I deserved more. I deserved someone who would be just as invested in me, and a future with me, as I was in him. I shouldn't have to convince the man I am with that I'm worth his time, effort, and entire heart. As much as I loved him (and still do), I'm holding out for the man who WILL fight for me. And who will meet me on the bridge, and walk into the future together without any hesitations. I'm worth it, and so are you. I hope that your boyfriend wakes up and realizes what a gift he has in front of him before it's too late. But if he doesn't, love yourself enough to walk away. I hope this helps.
I think what Jane is saying is spot on and what Anna says too. I was in a 6 year relationship and all I ever got was just enough to keep me in the relationship. He would get defensive if I brought up the subject of going further with the relationship. We had our own houses and didn't live together.
"Most of us know our answers before he says his. Most of us have a gut instinct that tells us what page he’s on and if it’s the same page as us before he says anything at all. We just haven’t learned to trust it." How true this is. My instincts told me he wasn't going to commit but I thought I could get him to love me more and want to. Six years down the line he blindsided me and cheated on me. Six months of being with someone else, he sold his house and they bought a house together.
The hurt and pain was tremendous and I'm still learning to live with it and learning to accept that it didn't say anything about me, it said something about him.
All I would say is think long and hard, trust your instincts and don't waste your life. I'm now 58 and finding it very difficult to meet someone. If you're only young Charlotte you really do need to think about yourself and the future. I wish I had been able to be brave and end the relationship long before.
Wishing you luck x
I agree with Jane's point of view here. What you see is what you get. You are not gonna get anything else from him now, this is what he has to give. He may change his mind soon, he may take a long time, he may never change his mind at all... You have to decide for yourself when you are done, when enough is enough. Easier said than done, but I've been there too... I had a relationship for 2 years, 8 years ago. He broke up with me because even though he loved me it was getting too serious. I really loved him. I've spent years thinking what could I have done differently so that he would stay - maybe If I hadn't push him so hard, if I were more patient he would still be with me ... if if if... Recently he called me and we went out a few times. I was full of hope. Then, again, he said he needed to be alone... Long story short. I'm now beginning to understand that this has nothing to do with me, it's all about him. I have no idea what he wants or what he's thinking. But I now see that it doesn't matter what I could have done differently, the outcome would be the same. The only difference is that he gave me the opportunity to live for the past 6 years, instead of waiting and waiting... But know this - This is not about you, not your fault, at all... You are great, some man just don't know what they want. And we can't change them, no matter how much we love them. It's something we have to live with and sometimes move on with our lives.