Today on the blog, I’m featuring a letter that could have been written by so many of you. It’s such a familiar story that just about all of us can relate to.
When we meet someone and exchange numbers and yet we don’t hear from him, we all ask ourselves the same question: Should I reach out to him?
Add on as many more words as you want, go into as many specifics as we all do, but at the end of the day, it’s always the same question: What do I do?
In this case, the letter came from one of our lovely readers, Sophie.
Here's what she wrote:
I met a guy a few weeks ago, we exchanged numbers.
The same day we talked for a few hours outside in the car. After that night I never heard from him.
Should I call him or text him? Is he not into me? What are some reason I didn't get any calls?
- Sophie
My Response:
Let me start by saying that although her brief letter is only a few sentences, it’s so poignant because we can all identify with this one.
Should we call or text him?
Is he really not into us?
And why didn’t he call us?
Let’s start this at the beginning.
If you don’t want to be dealing with this down the road, let’s make it easy. Don’t take his number. Give him yours.
I know you have every right to take his number like the confident, assertive, liberated woman you are, but by taking his number instead of giving him yours, you’re setting yourself up for this exact scenario.
When he doesn’t call or text, you’ll want to. Because we always want to know why.
You’ll imagine he might have lost your number or misplaced it somewhere and use that as justification to reach out to him, as well as the fact that we’re living in the new millennium now and women can do the reaching out as well as men.
See? So don’t take his number.
You’ll drive yourself crazy trying to figure out what to do, while it shifts the focus off the one thing that you need to take in here more than anything else; he’s not reaching out to you because of him, not you.
That’s your only take away here. Any one of the possible reasons he’s going to have for not contacting you are all about him.
There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s nothing you could have done differently that would change this. He’s just got his own reasons for not calling you that are as complicated as he is.
And right here is where your acceptance of this fact is going to save you. Big time.
Because look at what we do when we’ve got a number to call. When he doesn’t call, we reach out to him. We engage in small talk at first if he even answers, or we send him a text that might or might not get a response.
But in the meantime, we’re waiting. We're left alone, wondering what’s going on with him.
And if we think we can alleviate all that waiting and feeling so out of control by taking his number and initiating contact with him, we’re wrong.
Because sooner or later down the road, when he doesn’t respond or when he only responds when we initiate, we’re left wondering whether he’s actually into us or if we’re just convenient because he doesn’t have to do any work in this so-called relationship.
Save yourself from even going down this anxiety-ridden, crazy-making path in the first place.
When he asks for your number, give him yours, but don’t ask for his. If he offers it, it’s up to you how you want to handle it. If you’re not comfortable or don’t know what to say, take it, but then throw it away when you get home.
You’ll be doing yourself a huge favor! Especially if you think you like him right away.
Because a man who’s interested in you follows up. He calls. He might text, but he’s always going to follow up with the real thing – a real, live phone call. He knows you can’t get to know someone over text.
This, THIS, is your filter.
You’re setting yourself up here for what you want and what you don’t want to have to backtrack from down the road. You’re alleviating all kinds of problems that can come from these supposedly benign things that are going to separate the reality from the fantasy for you in real time.
I don’t know of any women who don’t want to be loved, and adored, and respected by men.
But when we confuse who’s doing the pursuing and set ourselves up to do the chasing right from the beginning, it doesn’t get better. It gets worse. And confusing. And complicated. And then you find yourself here. Don't get me wrong - I love that you're here. But the goal is to get you out of here.
We can do better, Beautiful.
Yes, you CAN reach out to him. But isn’t your very reason for wanting to do so really just to ask him why he hasn’t reached out to you?
Ironic, isn’t it?
He gives you his answer in his silence. He gives you his answer in his non-response. But when we’ve been so programmed to believe we can change a man by loving him enough no matter who he is or how much he doesn’t want to be changed, we’ll do anything to get him to give us a chance.
Let’s not do this anymore. Let’s not do this to ourselves anymore.
We think we’re missing out on the best thing that might have ever happened to us, but all that we’re doing is wasting more of our time.
We say the clock’s ticking. We say we’re tired of him wasting our time.
So then let’s go down a different path instead. Let’s require more from someone than we’ve been letting them get away with.
Let’s look at things that really matter like character, and honest and respect and love. Let’s get away from "Is he going to call?" and move to "Is this the kind of guy who I actually want to have call me?"
Turn the tables around, Beautiful. You’re not the chasing kind, you’re the loving kind. Don’t ever forget that. Especially at the very beginning!
I hope this helps.
Love,
Jane
What do you think? Should our stunning friend Sophie reach out to him, or should she forget about him and move on? Share your thoughts with all of us below in the comments!
There is no point approaching men in the first place. It is only a sign of desperation in their eyes. The truth is though, that men these days, men are too childish and too lazy to take on any responsibility and pursue a woman to have a relationship with her and marry her. The problem is what to do when no man ever approaches you or even if he does, he disappears without a word.
Thank you Jane, that definitely hits home with me. Recently I went through him chasing me, and then stopping. This happened over the course of 3 years. In between the chasing and the stopping, I still couldn't help to reach out to him. I did not blow up his phone or anything like that, but I was so very sad when I did not hear from him, I couldn't stand it, so once in awhile I would text him to just ask him a question or try to get a conversation going. He would respond within his own time and then wouldn't respond the way it use to be, so it made me sadder and sadder over time. I hung on with much hope that someday he would decide I was the one for him. It was awful! I cried many nights and days too. In the beginning, he would text me and come by my work to see me all the time for about a year straight. Then it started to be few and far between that he no longer would say good morning or good night. I honestly thought we had a relationship, and it hurt so bad to think I had or at least felt that I lost out. I truly cared for him. Now, I am better. I have grieved over it but also decided one day that I would no longer allow myself to feel sad. That I had already been there, done that! I would only let it go the best I could one day at a time. Today, I am okay. I am beginning to do things for myself, starting to love life more, and finally letting my true self shine. I am very proud of myself for all I have accomplished in my life as I am in my 50's. And I know I don't deserve to be sad or depressed over any guy. Even before this guy I speak of here, I was married for over 20 years, and divorced now for about 10 yrs. I never thought at my age I would be in this situation, still waiting for Mr. Right. I do have hope. Your words have helped tremendously and I appreciate that. I heard a song on the radio one night (not sure what the name of it is), and in one part had these words, 'Know the difference between sleeping with someone and sleeping with someone you love' That really made every bit of sense for me. Much like the concept of desire and value. I pray all girls, young and old, know the difference. All my best always! Thank you again. God Speed.
Thank you, Lori. I'm hearing every word you're saying here. It is one of the most difficult things we do to put our hopes in someone who gives us so little reason to have those hopes at all. The sadness, the hope that refuses to give up until one day, as you say, you decide you don't want to live this way anymore. Be so proud of yourself. Recognizing the choice in there when it feels like there is none and feeling so powerless waiting, just waiting for him to respond with something more to bring us out of that sadness. Thank you for sharing, and adding your voice to the words that need to echo in our minds.
Good! Lori, I am so glad to hear that you are starting to love life more! This is how it should be! I hear you, I did similar things, and yes, I'm starting to understand his good it is not to mourn over anyone who didn't want to be with us in the first place. I did the reaching out you're describing, I did the hoping, and the crying, and the waiting, and the giving the benefit of the doubt, and all that. And like you, I'm now enjoying letting myself just be, shine on occasion, be human, breathe, live life. It feels good not to waste so much energy reaching out, again and again, to guys who don't even have the decency to make it clear they don't want to be reached. Ugh. Big burden taken off -- can you imagine what a life with men like this would truly be?! A fiasco of guessing and doubting ourselves, and putting us last, and catering to their needs and whims at every single step. Thanks but no thanks!
Jane, thank you as always for your wisdom, patience and kindness. Reading your posts has helped me greatly. Thank you for this service you do for us, it is invaluable. Your words and your sincerity come through each time. I am very busy in life right now, yours is the only post I subscribe to and read whenever I can. Thank you Jane!
You're so kind, Sadhna. Thank you for your beautiful words! I'm so glad these posts are helping you and I'm truly honored to be able to walk through this journey with you.
Such a great response and reminder to us all, Jane.
In my own case, when I moved to a city close to where I had attended high school in the 70s and 80s, I sent a friendly note to a guy I hadn't seen in 27 years - a guy who I thought had always liked and respected me from the age of about 14. He responded as I had hoped - with excitement and interest. We met up and talked for quite a while. He was living with a woman but sounded unhappy and 'stuck' in the relationship financially. I realized he was everything I had been looking for in a man - solid, responsible, a GREAT father whose kids were his life, and so charming. I had always thought he was cute but he had grown into a man who impressed me and turned me on in a way I had not felt before. After I left him that day I was 'in love' and had us getting married already. I thought I had finally found true love in a man who had been there all along - I just had to get to the point where I was ready for him. It was my dream come true after decades of wondering why I had never found 'the one'. It was a dream I had pretty much given up on years before. I had even given up dating because I just didn't want to deal with it anymore.
After the initial excitement of finding each other again he backed off and I began to chase. I couldn't believe he was not on board. For months he came around again, would back off and then come around again. But in a bit of a texting spat I told him I loved him, that I was looking for that boy who had liked and respected me years before but I felt he was long gone. He responded 'you know I'm not long gone but you know what my life is and where my life is at. It's been 30 years'. That was it. That was almost a year ago I haven't heard from him since. I'm still blaming myself. If I had just played it cooler. If I had just walked away as soon as he told me he was 'stuck' in this relationship. If I had just known how to deal with the situation. I'm 54 and still feel like I have no idea how to attract and keep true love or how to deal with men I'm attracted to. I'm having so much trouble moving on from the dream I had of him.
But I know now that Jane is right. If I had known then what I truly know now I would have saved myself a lot of anxiety, pain and humiliation. If a man is available and interested, you do not have to pursue him or contact him in any way to find out what's going on with him. It took my heart a long time to figure out what my mind already knew. He did not want a life with me. He wanted to play, but he did not want a life with me.
You younger ladies can save yourselves a lifetime of pain and disappointment by realizing this one thing that I saw posted somewhere online - Just because someone desires you does not mean they VALUE you. It's the truest thing ever. If he values you it will be obvious. You don't have to do a thing except guard your heart with all you have until that one thing is crystal clear.
Thank you!!! I love that - Just because someone desires you, does not mean they VALUE you. Thank you for your wise words.
You're so welcome. I love it too - such a simple concept that should be repeated over and over to adolescent girls everywhere!
Anne B, thank you for sharing your story. I too am going through heartbreak from a dream shattered as I thought I have found "the one". Now that I think about it, and apply your very profound words, " Just because he desires you, does not mean that he values you". Yes! That is very true! He did not value me enough to make any efforts in this relationship after the initial euphoria had passed. He did not value me enough to talk about the future with me. We were very compatible in so many ways, and yes! I did give him my heart!. I am in the process of grieving and healing and learning how to love myself and most importantly value myself for if I don't value myself how can I expect
anyone else to?
Thank you! I wish you peace and happiness.
Thank your for your response, Sadhna. I'm totally where you are myself in the grieving, healing and learning to love myself. You are so right - if we don't value ourselves, we give others - men - permission to devalue us as well. I wish you self-love and empowerment and peace and happiness as well.
Oh this is so true, Anne. There is a huge difference between being desired and being valued. We're so used to settling for the former and forgetting about the latter that we need to change our mindsets so that we will know the difference. I'm glad this resonated with you and you stopped by to share your story. Thank you. We need these reminders - and to share our stories - so that we will remember why!
Thank you so much for sharing your story, Anne. I understand and relate, I've also experienced the pain and confusion of chasing a man who was sending mixed signals. I, too, wish I spared myself the humiliation of finding out the hard way exactly what you said, that he was an individual who wanted to play but did not want a life with me. (And did not make this clear to make things easier from the very beginning.) Thank you for the wise words, just because he desires you doesn't mean that he values you. Ah, how very true! Thank you for sharing, your comment brought me a bit of peace. I wish you the very best, and let's not blame ourselves for learning things the hard way. We had no one helping us see things differently when we experienced all this. I hope to raise my daughter with kindness and acceptance for any mistakes she might make, but also with a lot of self-respect and self-worth. It is because I've read stories from women such as you that I now know I should have trusted my mind and instincts, rather than rationalize the way I did.
And thank you, Jane, as usual, for creating this forum for us to share, learn from each other, heal, and move on. Please know your insights are much appreciated. I rarely comment, but I know I must be among your many "silent" subscribers in whose life you make a difference. I thank you for all that you do.
Thank you, Paula, for your kind response. I'm so happy you found peace in the words I shared. May we both be wiser the next time our hearts want to jump in! Your daughter is very lucky to have a mom who is determined to make sure she has self-respect and self-worth. I wish you all the best also.
"We had no one helping us see things differently when we experienced all this." - So true, Paula! Thank you for sharing - and for being here. I love hearing from you. Thank you for these kind words. I'm right there with you. Our daughters will know what we didn't because we learned the hard way. So hearing you!
Most Men do like the chase even if you think they don't. If s man is really into you, he will move heaven and earth to have you be in his life to love, cheris, and respect you and yes , be exclusive with you. If you have to do the pursuing or initiate the get together, then he is just not into you and will use you in anyway he can till something better comes along.
Respect yourself be the prize to win because you do have a lot to offer the right man who deserves you.
I would suggest you date other people, you never know who will be Mister right. If the man you really like is not recepocating the same vibe back to you, forget him and move on because your deserve better respect then that.
"Don't be afraid of losing someone
Who doesn't feel lucky to have you"
My motto. Good Luck..
Love it, Sil - "Don't be afraid of losing someone who doesn't feel lucky to have you". Thanks for sharing!