Our beautiful friend, Abby, is going crazy because her boyfriend almost never calls her or texts her, and she's wondering what it means.
Here's her email:
Hi Jane!
First of all, I ADORE your website. Thanks so much for all the incredible advice you give!
So, I would love to get your perspective on this...
I've been dating a man for 3 months now. We are exclusive, and he's absolutely crazy about me when we're together in person. He's super talkative, affectionate, and I know he cares about me.
But, when we aren't together, he barely talks to me.
I miss it when I used to date men who I could have late night phone calls with, witty text message conversations with, and feel comfortable contacting whenever I feel like it. This guy though... that's just not who he is.
I feel so disconnected from him when we aren't together.
My mind starts to think, "Why doesn't he have the URGE to check-in with his girlfriend? Isn't that a bad sign?"
I've brought it up to him super calmly and kindly, and he reassured me that he's just not a big texter or caller. He said that's just not who he's ever been, and he's never going to be that way. He told me over and over to please not think his phone call/texting frequency has any correlation with how he feels about me, because that's definitely not the case.
I appreciate that he was very honest about how that's who he is. The problem is, he's so independent and happy on his own, and I don't feel wanted when we aren't together. Yet when we ARE together (and he still is a gentleman and takes me out, too!), everything is great and I know he's into me.
I just feel lonely in this.
I don't know if I'm too needy, or if he's too independent. I don't want to be stupid and let go of this great man, who really is the package deal except for this one aspect.
Any thoughts on this, Jane?
I have my own friends, career, and fulfilled life. But it makes me sad that I don't feel comfortable even texting my own boyfriend. I shouldn't have to play the game after 3 months, right?
Thank you!!
- Abby
My Response:
Thank you for your sweet words, Abby. I’m so glad you found your way here!
You’re absolutely right, Abby. You shouldn’t have to play the game after 3 months, you should feel comfortable texting your own boyfriend. But if you don’t, where does that leave you?
It leaves you with some decisions to make. Decisions that have nothing to do with what should be but everything to do with what actually is.
You’ve talked to him. You’ve told him how you feel, and what you found out was how he feels.
In his own words, he told you he’s not the texting kind, the communicating kind, and he never will be. He doesn’t want you to take any of the way he is on this personally, because it’s about him, not you.
My question for you is this: Can you?
Can you let him be him? Can you live with the way he is – and the way he’s telling you he’ll always be?
Yes, it may just be one area. But if it’s the most important area for you, if it’s just that important to you, then while it may only be one area, it may be that it’s enough to be a dealbreaker for you.
Most men aren’t the emotional creatures we wish they were. Most were never allowed to be and were told and are still being told in our culture that they shouldn’t be.
Some of the most sensitive men with the most potential were most affected by those cultural messages. Yes, it’s possible that some men have the potential to change, but whether they can or do first starts with accepting them right where they’re at and being strong enough in yourself to not allow them to bring you down, but rather being true to your own light so they can be inspired by you.
I go into this in detail in my program “Why Men Pull Away”.
When you understand that, it makes it so much easier not to take this personally, but to simply decide whether who he is and what he has to offer is something you can live with – and live well with!
Otherwise, you only sell yourself short, you only end up trying to change someone, trying to change a situation, trying to manipulate even subconsciously what you end up resenting both him and yourself for. That leads to misery, not happiness.
Try something for yourself. Try accepting him right where he is.
Try not thinking about how your exes could talk for hours with you and everything this one can’t. Obviously they had their own shortcomings of you’d still be with one of them. Give yourself a time limit. A month, a week, a year.
However long you can live with.
You’re in control here. You’re the one who gets to choose how this goes. Every time you find yourself thinking about how things should be different from what they are, try accepting the reality of what actually is instead.
At the end of your time limit, check in with yourself. Can you accept him? Or do you need more?
Can who he is right now be enough for you?
If it’s not, don’t kid yourself. Don’t pretend you can do this if you can’t. That’s simply not being loving to yourself. And that's one of the worst things we can do to ourselves. Pretend we can when we really can’t.
Push aside when we can’t. Act as if, when it’s anything but as if. Live in a fantasy world when reality is right there in front of us.
Giving him the space he obviously is more comfortable with only works if it works for you, too, Abby.
Following someone’s lead and allowing them to pursue you only works if you can still feel your own power within that dynamic. Feel strong and beautiful in your own feminine energy instead of labeling it needy. And allow yourself to feel his masculine strength and independence instead of labeling it too independent for you.
He’s every bit as human as you are, Abby. Don’t put him on a pedestal.
Don’t look at what he is as being more than and what you are as being less than. You’re both equals in your own sense of masculine and feminine. What matters is whether you still want him if you can’t change him and whether you still would even choose him if you could.
I hope this helps!
Love,
Jane
What are your thoughts? Do you have any other words of advice or encouragement for our beautiful friend Abby? Share them with us in the comments!
I stumbled upon this article and it was meant to be. I am dealing with this same issue in my relationship with my significant other. We’ve been talking for four months and he’s just the same as Abby’s boyfriend. I am goin got try to see him for who he is and see if I can find my own power within this as you told Abby. Thanks for posting this.
Throughout the day I'll keep checking his last seen, and it would be a few minutes ago or online, but I would never receive any text or call. He'll then call whenever he feels like it, usually in the evening, at first I would jump for that call, and then I started ignoring his calls intentionally (and he would be mad that I'm not taking his calls), now I have broken things off, and it feels horrible, but it is for the best, I think it's better to be alone, than to be lonely in a relationship.
It is, Lelo. Otherwise you're just playing games and staying tied to someone because you're in a so-called "relationship" when you could be free to be in an actual loving relationship which is the only one you want!
I'm currently in a situation a little bit like this. Me and my boyfriend have known each other for 3 years have started dating May 1,2020. (Not like i'm counting) ANd at frist he was really really happy and all. But then over time he started being stressed about things and he hardly talks to me anymore. Every time he is online I try to talk to him but then he just gets off. Or ignores it. Then I talked to his friend (who is a girl) how often do they text. She said every time he is online, that hurt me because he talks to her and not me.
This isn’t about who he is or who you are. This is about what you need. If your love language is words of affirmation and he can never give you that then it means that he will never love you the way that you want to be loved. It means that you will always feel like something is missing and even when he knows it he can’t be that person.
I’ve been dating someone long-distance for five months we talk. We talk every day but we can’t see each other because of Covid.
Maybe the trick for you would be to see each other more often. If you were in a day-to-day relationship then you would talk in person every day it might not feel the need to have to call and text when you’re separated.
Abby i understand what you are going through at one time iwas seeing this guy that was exactly the same way with calls or msgs but when we met up he was the sweetest...and he did genuinely care..i came to understand this was who he is and not everyone is into their phones and social media etc.. and he was one of those..you just have to understand he is different but not in a bad way and honestly this is something you can work work with.. as jane said it totally up to you and what you want for a relationship..hope this helps...
I'd be interested in people's thoughts on a guy that is into social media. He's on a bunch of group messages with friends all day and scrolling facebook and commenting on posts, but rarely texts me to check in during the day. I know he loves me and he says he thinks about me all day long, but I can't help but think if he were thinking of me, he would text. He obviously has plenty of time to group message everyone else...why not me? I'm okay with him not checking in a lot, and I'm a pretty secure person, but it does make me feel a little less than when he can check in with others and not me. I think I'd me totally fine with it if that was the way he was with everyone across the board.
this is my daughers long distance relationship her boyfriend is very loud has a lot of energy contacts her 7-10 times a day its been 8 months now and all the calls seemed to stop, calls maybe twice a week now and used to skype each other and sleep that way cause it was long distance now that stopped to. He is out everyday barely texts her from Thru thru Sunday just to let her know he misses her and whats shes doing, I thought he might be talking to someone else, she doesn't believe it could it be.
How did you handle it? I'm going through the same situation. I'm wondering if we dated same guy lol
Wow. I know this of is super old and I probably won’t get a reply.. just wanted to say thanks for the blog and everyone that has shared their stories and experiences as it has helped me a lot! I literally just got off of the phone crying to my partner, and we have been doing long distance for about 3 months as he went to work at the snow to teach snowboarding.
Our relationship has been long distance, but we would see each other each weekend, but with the snow the Long distance has been really hard, as I’ve been feeling like he has backed off, called less and texts less since he had been away. I knew he was busy but has been feeling like I’m lower on the priority list. And he would always get so defensive when I get upset and tell him I feel unloved or like he doesn’t make the effort anymore.
Now he is back, jobless and has all the free time in the world and yet I went a whole 18hours before he bothered returning my call and never even listened to the cute voicemail I left him. He didn’t even want to say sorry when I got upset saying I have been literally waiting to see how long it would take for him to reply to me. And he thinks I’m being dramatic and silly for being upset, and doesnt understand the way I feel and how
It is valid.
So thanks for sharing. Seems I need to talk to him about it more and see if we can compromise and if not then I may have to break it off, as I don’t want to be defined as “clingy” and “upset all the time”.
You are not clingy. 18 hours is rude, especially if it a girlfriend or boyfriend and especially if the person isn’t working or traveling or had told you he with family (though during an 18 hour period, there plenty of moments to reply). That is more of an objective fact. It sounds like your gut feeling while he was away (that you becoming a lower priority) is correct.
You can yet talking with him, saying more than 8 hours (but you fill in the time) makes you uncomfortable. He either will start replying within 8 hours (even if it a brief reply and he replied in more detail later) or he doesn’t.
In the meantime and either way, perhaps do more activities and things at home that you enjoy and make plans without him. He will make an effort later to set plans with you ... if he wants.
It sound like he doesn’t want a real relationship and isn’t ready for anything that could be sustained long term. That has nothing to do with you and everything to do with where he is now in his life and his own issues.
If you can start freeing yourself a little from him, you will be amazed at how much more you enjoy life and at the number of available atttactive guys you later start to come across who are ready. It takes a little time at first because we don’t realize how much we cut ourselves off when we are focused on a guy like this.
You are so right!! I just cut it off with this guy I knew was the love of my life...he started changing our routine of communication and then I got mad and he blamed me for being clingy/not mature and selfish....crazy a month prior he was saying how much he loved me and was scared I would find someone else and his heart can’t take being hurt...smh manipulated 😔
Most men express themselves better in person than on text or call. Since he is insisting you not to worry about it, there is no need for you to. If possible find out if he doesn't text only you or if he is the same with everyone. That might give and answer to your worries.
I love this response and blog. Im in the same situation. We live together and he works 3 weeks away. He calls me every evening and always answer my calls when I call him. If he cant answer my call, he will text me and let me know he is on a job site. Every time I call he always answers with a "Hey Babe". I overthink things, because when he is home we are so connected, then when hes gone, hes all business. Plus, if I text him he will 90% of the time text me back. I just hate the overthinking I do...
It doesn’t sound like there is more he can do calling or texting. It might be you don’t like , cannot handle this set up. And that is 100% okay because it is only allowing you 1/4 of a regular relationship each month. How long will this go on? If it short term, perhaps that is tolerable. If it isn’t, then that is something to face.
Also, is it possible for you to go with him one time ? At least meet him for a few days there, whether you can stay with him or not (and even if you don’t get much time together there)? It is just that you might feel better once you see what the actual set up is like when he is away at these job sites. Sometimes not being able to visualize it makes it harder.
Hi. Thanks Abby for sharing your story and thoughts on this. Because I thought I was alone too, in this. I've been dealing with a guy that goes radio silent for many days. Sometimes weeks (if I haven't send him a message sooner).
There's this guy I've been seeing. We met at a friend's party. We saw each other twice at our common friends' place. He later asked me out on a date through text (yes!). We went out on a couple dates with weeks in between because we both work and have a social life. We had maybe 3 or 4 dates before I went on a month long holiday that I planned for a long time. I texted him once during my holiday, and he replied. He also then texted me once, but it wasn't a conversation. I knew he was also seeing other girls while we dated in the beginning and I was also seeing other men. At that point, we haven't even slept together. When I came back from my holiday, I already thought he forgot about me and I moved on still dating the men that always kept contact with me through texts. Then he suddenly came on to my radar again and asked me out for another date. All planned and nice. I could tell there was still interests from both sides and he also immediately asked me what I'm looking for. Although I said I wasn't so sure yet and just see where this goes and maybe just only fun since I don't know if I'll be moving out of the city soon for another opportunity. He said he was looking for something more serious but he was okay for the time being just dating and having fun (note: we still haven't slept together). He told me I was the first girl he didn't jump into the sheets with after 1-2 dates. At that time we were already date 5/6 and 2 months had passed since the first date. After that, things sped up, we saw each other every weekend and he would usually spend his time at my place. Basically stopped counting dates. He would never text me often, only before the weekend on a Thursday or Friday to make plans for the weekend. But we never had a conversation that went beyond 2-3 times exchange. Unless he was late for date and kept me up to date where he was.
So when he was spending his time at my place and we didn't make things official yet. Because I didn't (and still don't) know what kind of relationship this is without the clear communication. I would often see him on his phone checking chat groups with his friends and in the beginning when he started to stay over. I even saw he got Tinder notifications! I mean for a guy that "doesn't like texting"....why are you on tinder? Isn't that how it's supposed to work to text with the girl before meeting up?
Anyways fast forward to a few weeks later after I got back from my holiday. I had a surgery and he was so sweet to stay with me for almost five days to take care of me. He told me he wasn't seeing someone else since I got back from my holiday and we started dating again. He asked about my dating situation and I told him he was also the only guy at the moment. Few days after that he left for a two week holiday back home (to another country). He played with the thought I could come with him, but I wasn't allowed to fly yet. So I stayed home. Before he left he kind of made things official, asking again if I was seeing or texting anyone else. And I said I didn't and he said: same. So he said we were kind of already officially together. Something I didn't expect he would say. Because he always seems to be "off" and I know he likes me very much and cares a lot about me. He also got a lot of attention from other women and I believe him he didn't do anything with them since he's been actively seeing me. Before he left for his visit back home I asked if he could just text me so now and then. And he was moaned and said he'd try his best.
Of course he didn't text me, even after 6 days or telling me he has landed safely. When I would text him, he would shortly reply. But that's it....
I don't know what to do with this. I have dated a guy before who doesn't like texting and I was okay with that because that person was very anti-social media. He didn't have Facebook, Instagram etc. Which I respect. So I totally understood how he wanted to rolls. He would prefer to call or make a short text. But the guy I'm with now....he's always on his phone. His phone is always buzzing from social media apps and notifications :/
I just met a guy online, we went out twice and got on really well but he is barely texting and not calling in between so I broke up with him. He says he is not the texting or calling type well, that`s not my type and I am not going to waste my time to end up living in that emotional desert in between dates.
The funny thing is, I met him on a dating website and people on that kind of platform don`t meet up so quickly, so ground work of messaging is needed if you want to meet someone. He is still on the dating website and unless he is communicating with these single ladies through telepathy, I don`t see how a text and phone loather can sustain interest. Ironic and hypocritical! that`s all it is
I first had my doubts about my decision but then I read this blog and it came as a confirmation and a relief. Thank you all.
Hi, i am in this kind of relationship right now. My bf and i are in a long distance relationship. Weve know each other for five mons and we constantly messaging and calling non stop. He is working as a US Marines and hes been on a field operations for almost weeks. But this time he said he is pretty much busy and he cant message me much. Hes sending me one message a week and its driving me crazy. I dunno what to do anymore. He always tell me he loves and how much he wanted to see me since he is in japan. But lately i dunno if its just me or just because i cant understand military relationship . Because he told me it will be so tough that its not for everyone. Help. I dunno what to do anymore
Are there any girlfriends or wives to the other men in his group? They would be able to explain what it is like. From what I understand, on certain assignments, people only get a limited amount of time a week to communicate. It could be that situation. Other people going through similar would know.
Hi! I've been with this guy for nearly two months. We've been intimate and we're seeing each other once or twice a week. The last time we've seen each other everything went pretty well, he checked if I got home safe and seemed pretty worried for my safety since I had to walk to my home. I didn't hear from him for 3 days, and then I decided to send him a message just to check what he was doing. He responded and asked about me, I sent him a reply and then nothing. He's done this before, just not texting back if I don't ask him a question. He told me at the beginning of a relationship he didn't like to text that much. He has a job where he is working from 8am to 12am (I checked this out, it's true, his own company). And, when I told him I wasn't sure about his intentions, he told me he just didn't have time to chat and that he's thinking about me throughout the day.
When we're together everything's fine, he's so nice, he recently introduced me to some people as his girlfriend.
I'm just concerned whether he's just playing me, or he has more 'girlfriends', or he just can't make it to chat with me frequently because of his job. My friends have been telling me that he would forget his job and text me and see me a lot more if he was that much into me. I just need a professional advice on what to do - to dump him or enjoy the relationship?
Thanks!
Dump him your friends are right once or twice a week? He has someone else, trust me.
Why are you walking home and he isn’t either walking you home, giving you a ride, paying for a taxi, or seeing you somewhere convenient to your home (so he can first walk you home or somehow get you a ride before he goes home)? To me, that is more disturbing than the fact that you only see each other 1-2x a week.
Re the texts, try explaining you understand he doesn’t like to text and is busy and focused at work, but ask if he could at least send a smiley face. That could be code he saw your text , is thinking of you, but cannot really reply. Explain more than 18 hours (but you come up with the longest time you can manage) makes you uncomfortable.
My husband detests texts and focuses hard at work. After a few times when I went 10 hours without a text or reply to my text, I explained to him that I start to wonder after 8 years if something has happened and it makes me feel he doesn’t think of me. He started to reply (more times than not) with a quick smiley face or kiss, just something to let me know he there /thinking of me. When he outside of work and isn’t busy, he will initiate texts or respond more fully.
If your guy can do this, then perhaps it is just that he doesn’t like texting and work is a chaotic busy whirlwind.
BUT I have to say your friends might be right if he can go 3 DAYS without responding? He sleeps, eats, commutes to and from work, dresses, showers, and goes to bathroom during that time. Hey, he might even run an errand or two. He can totally send a quick text or leave a voicemail or send an email during a 3 day period.
If for some reason he works something like almost all 3 days on and then he is off for a period of time, he can explain that to you and also try the quick smiley face thing. But it a little odd that it is his own company? In that case, he should have more freedom to reach out....
But the fact he lets you walk home alone after seeing you ... who cares if he checks on you after , from the safety and comfort of his own place? Or while he already doing something else. I find that ... not good.
Try suggesting you see each other near where you live or at your home (though at this point in time, all your dates should be out and about with him, even if just at a coffee place or for a walk, trying to get to know you and entertain you). And then see if he first takes you home or how he reacts when you ask him to walk you back (which I hope you do, especially if it getting dark or streets empty).
I'm 30, my bf 35, we have distance love and just had 2 weeks together when he came to my country to travel. We had sweet moments and feel our love stronger after his travel ended. However after that I found that he is afraid of commitment, I was angry and decided to break up. However I miss him a lot and text he back after 2 weeks. First we texts slowly, 3 days / message and text more little by little. Sometimes I start, sometimes he initiated the conversation and I think our relationship still able to revive. Yesterday I asked him if he still loves me or not, after few minutes he said "I love you of course ". I haven't replied that because I was confused about his answer, during when I haven't answered, he said he's gonna sleep, I just said sleep well.
And today, 24 h after the last conversation, both he and I haven't texted each other. I know that a boy loving someone never let his girl wait for his message. I can't understand him, I don't want to text first but this is keeping me confused. What is in his mind, could you please give me some advice. Thank you.
If he can't get time to communicate it means you are not the one or he's still searching until he get your replacement and say goodbye. I experience the same and I opened for new relationship. Now I have a guy who really loves me and I told him that I have a serious relationship with someone and I might leave the town soon. Then he only said that he was busy at the moment and he never text back as usual. Previously he asked me to give him time but the good part is that I don't sleep with a man as he wishes and I take my time so I'm glad that in those 5 months we dated there was no sex. Also I dear my healthy first. So I told him that he knew where to find me this if I will be available hence this new guy wants me to migrate to his country and marry me. So ladies please don't stress just open up to the next man and move on with your life hence you deserve to be loved. I'm sure if he doesn't like texting he would call. My new boyfriend doesn't like texting but each time he take a break from work he calls like for 5 mins, lunch time for 10 mins and after work mostly 30 mins or an hr. We are 16000 KMS away from each other but I don't feel the distance anymore. After few days he asks for video calling hence he would miss my face. As long as you do not stay together he must find time for you. Man don't like texting but he can call. Hey girls love and respect yourself first and leave him if he doesn't see you as a priority. Per week I hardly start the conversation. But he always does. Sometimes I do once or twice per week but he does more than three times per day. We deserve to be loved
Hi!
I have been dating my current partner only for 3.5 months. We used to text a lot. We had a fight about me being clingy but I feel that is not the only reason why he was angry with me and we still have to fully talk about what exactly happened in the fight. After that we texted every 3 days and went on a date every week. It felt healthy for both of us since I am also slightly introverted and need space. That rate was the best for both of us.
Just recently, we went on a date twice in one week. Which I would understand be very exhausting for my partner and it was also exhausting for me since our dates usually take up the whole day walking or staying out late. And right after our 2nd date that week I went on a 3 day holiday in the rainforest. No service. No internet. I got back and found he didnt text me. So I didnt text him for another day thinking he will text me later. He didnt. So i texted him but the conversation was dry.
I just dont know how to approach him because I am very shy. What do I say? Will he feel too pressured to text me after? And how long should I wait?
Hi Sachiko! So I've got a question for you - if this relationship wasn't about who's texting who first or who needs more space or less, what would the two of you be doing? I have a feeling if you focus on that part instead, you'll find out if there's actually something here for you with him beyond following some so-called 3.5 month mark set of rules, and the answers to your questions will become clear to you. Also, what if you actually talk instead of text?
I have been involved with an Introvert man for the past 4 months who lives in my same complex on the same floor. I had really only heard the term before but never dated anyone who actually identified as an Introvert/loner. I was very attracted to him as he was to me and we were sort of flirting with each other. I am an Extrovert/social butterfly as he calls me and was used to men approaching me but he didn't really make the first move until we were parked next to each other and in talking I felt he was as interested and I asked him if he would like to get together for a drink sometime but since he doesn't drink he said he does drink coke and yes he would like to. We have been seeing each other since a lot and in the beginning it was great and I liked who he was. I had always dated men who were very sure of themselves and egotistical but here was this wonderful man who I felt was real and wanted to spend time with me just doing simple things together like going to a movie, pizza, shopping or taking my dog to the park. It wasn't what I had ever done with other men and it felt really nice a nod comfortable.
Before I met him I had decided to not date for many years as it was too hurtful and unfulfilling but this man was different. He wasn't me to make the plans and al was good for awhile but not knowing anything about the characteristics I started to not get texts as much and when we talked about this he explained that being an Introvert he needed to be alone to recharge and it might be a couple of days before we saw each other but when we did we had fun. I also found out he was in between jobs and didn't realize he was so stressed and he didn't tell me until a couple months. I would pay for a few things we did and I think this may have embarrassed him but I told him I knew he would do the same. This last month I started to feel him pull away from me and even told me he didn't feel worthy seeing me as he felt I could have any man and couldn't understand what I saw in him. This hurt as this was someone I was falling in live with. I felt he wanted out and I was confused because we were still, I thought were enjoying each other.
He had a few interviews and several that didn't work out but just recently was hired and took a job a couple of hours away. Anyway he moved and explained to me that he didn't want to hurt me but he was a loner and didn't want to hurt me so basically did not see a future together. I was devastated and am very hurt. I am an attractive woman who have men flirting with me all the time but this is the man I want to be with and until a couple of weeks ago thought he felt the same. I realize now that I allowed myself to compensate for him being an introvert and maybe not seeing that he really wasn't in a relationship with me and was I either or was it just my ego or my fantasy. At any rate it felt real to me and I am truly hurting. I have never experienced someone you felt cared about you to just walk out of your life so quickly.
Nicole
I’ve been dating/relationship with my partner for a little over a year now. he’s had always been the type to go DAYS without speaking to me. literally since the beginning. I’ve brought this up numerous times. the thing is he’s sincerely an excellent communicator when we do discuss my concerns to this or any other relationship issue. & he’s even become so much better at contacting me more frequently. He is loving and wonderful and attentive and so patient and sweet when we are together. In a way I have accepted he wants his space and he isn’t big into social media/ texting so I know it isn’t personal. At one point We had even established a compromise that I at least get a “thinking about you” text if he decides to fall off the planet for days on end. for the first time in months I haven’t heard from him in three days. what bothers me the most is how easy it is for him to slip into old habits even when he knows how I feel about it. I am usually a l w a y s the one to contact when this happens. I get worried, anxious, insecure and lonely. it doesn’t help that he lives hours away. I always want to be the bigger person, to love fearlessly and to not care if I come across as too caring or “clingy” (my idea of clingy isn’t to forget I have my own life and to be up in his business 24/7) So this isn’t an act of pride. I am just simply done giving the run around. and I want my needs to be respected since I compromise and understand his need for space.
Hi there,
I am in the same boat here. I am in a LDR (Canada and the US). I know my boyfriend loves me. He's had some pretty negative experiences with previous relationships and has been primarily single because of this. So he has used this as a reason why he is the way he is in terms of communication - he is not used to having to call/text someone. I've brought up communication and he says he feels as if he is not enough for me and it just makes him want to call/message me less because I am nagging. I've told him literally a single text makes my day. But I find that I am always texting (I always text good morning) and calling - I always call midday as well as in the evening before bed. He does always answers and we have great lengthy conversations. So he is not ignoring me. Sometimes a whole day will go by and I won't hear from him as he falls asleep after a long day at work (he works 12 hour days at times, labour intensive job). But he never apologizes for it which also frustrates me. I am just annoyed that its always me that texts/calls. He says he thinks about me all the time but I don't believe it because wouldn't he then text or call me throughout the day if I am on his mind?
I've met his family on numerous occasions who all love me - I'm going to his brothers wedding next month so I know it is something serious and we have talked about moving (I would move to the US). I just feel needy/clingy or anxious when he does not reply (he never replies to my good morning texts). And I just would love if he would message me good morning for once. Or a random "thinking of you/missing you" text. Or even just call ME for a change midday or in the evening. I am nervous to bring it up again because last time he got upset and said he felt like he was being criticized and he just not a phone person - texting or calling. I know I need to address this. Because its just driving me crazy and makes me feel low - my needs are not being met.
Does a relationship that "is driving you crazy", making you feel "clingy, anxious" sound like what you want for yourself? Does it sound like a healthy relationship? Can you live like this? This is who he is and he's showed you from the beginning. Does it work for you?
you are so right. I just feel ridiculous because I've brought it up a handful of times now and he keeps doing it. So obviously he does not care about my feelings and the fact that it hurts me- otherwise he would ensure it wouldn't keep happening. It definitely is not working for me. I guess I just find it hard to leave, because there are so many positive aspects to the relationship.
The irony, Retora, is that you feel ridiculous for bringing it up a handful of times while he doesn't feel anything because he keeps on doing it. Look at that. Now tell me if this is someone who really cares about something that clearly matters to you. Obviously it matters or you would never have brought it up in the first place. That matters!
I’m so glad I found this site. I’m feeling the same. I’ve been seeing someone for 6 weeks and he’s stayed at mine for 4 nights/days twice. We’re great then but when he goes i rarely hear from him. I got promised phone calls but they never happen. This is eating me up and my feelings have now turned cold. How do I know if I can trust him.
You obviously can't, Marlanne. Someone shows you that you can trust them by their actions that support their words consistently over time. If you can't trust him to even call you when he says he's going to call you, how can you ever trust him with anything deeper than that?
Because he's not giving you any guarantee that he honestly is there for you. He's not showing up the way you need him to for you to fully trust him with your beautiful self. Your fears are warranted. Your job is to keep yourself safe, sound, and happy, not making other people happy at the expense of your well being.
Hi, So I have been with my boyfriend for a year and 3 months and I love him so much but we are long distance now. I now live 5 hours away for 6 months out of the year from him for college and when I am here at school we only see eachother for two weekends out of the month. He barely texts me and we have not called in two weeks, even though I ask if we can call at least twice a day. In person he is amazing and wonderful but he is horrible at long distance communication. I have asked him to try to just be a little better for me and he said he cant "promise that will happen." He said he has an underlying issue that he doesnt know if he can do long distance for another year, let alone three. Also, we have not had sex yet, we have done everything but sex, I just am still not ready and I feel bad for making him wait but maybe my fears of him leaving me are making me more hesitant. I need advice. Maybe I am just afraid to have sex but why?
Because he's not giving you any guarantee that he honestly is there for you. He's not showing up the way you need him to for you to fully trust him with your beautiful self. Your fears are warranted. Your job is to keep yourself safe, sound, and happy, not making other people happy at the expense of your well being.
Uhm, I think being in a relationship means you have to put someone above yourself sometimes. You make concessions for your lover. Put in that extra effort to make it work. the choice boils down to you.
Maybe you can have another serious conversation with him again and if nothing changes, decide if you can deal with his not calling or texting if the relationship goes long-term.
So key here - decide if YOU can deal with it. Exactly, Light01!
but then shouldn't he also put some extra effort in? He knows that it is important to me, so why should I be the only one to respect his preferences...
Well, what bothers me is that my boyfriend will post snapchats and stuff. He’s usually busy on the weekends, but whenever we are together, he’s so sweet and nice. We’re going out for dinner on Valentine’s Day. But I looked at his snapchat score and it is going up, but he doesn’t open my snapchats or he will never really reply. He calls me rarely, and doesn’t text me that often at that. I think I should bring it up to him. I know he hates that I message him. But all I want is for him to give me updates every 2 hours or something. So I know if he will be busy and doesn’t want me to text him. I just really don’t know. I sometimes even feel sad, or if he just doesn’t ever reply, I feel like he’s just not interested in me. It’s my anxiety that makes me overthink things. I’m scared of Betrayal or just being left behind. Because it’s just happened so many times.
🙁 I just don’t even know tbh.
Read Jane's newest blog post. I think it's very beneficial to read and wrap our heads around her answer there.
Thank you for this because this is exactly what I am going through right now. We've been dating 9 months and I still have yet to meet the college friends who come in to town to visit. Our plans get dropped, the BFF is put 1st. 24 hrs haven't even had a text good morning or good night.
Love,
Hopeless at 46
Girl same... I’ve met one of his best friends, but I feel like she’s #1 our plans haven’t been dropped yet. But the first day we got together, he sent a good morning paragraph, and told me good morning for a week. Then after that, he barely tells me good night or good morning.
You're not hopeless, Tonia. You're in full control! If this isn't working for you - if his behavior isn't acceptable to you, then YOU get to decide what you want to do about it. Not him, you. Always remember this part. You're the one doing the choosing, you just have to find the choice to make it real!
Have just been reading all these comments. Yes, it’s so confusing. I met this guy online a couple of months ago and now we’ve been dating for 5 weeks. When we are together he’s amazing, attentive, affectionate, funny, looks into my eyes, smiles etc.
Then when he goes back to his place (1.5 hours away) I hardly hear from him. He’ll text good morning beautiful, then I won’t hear from him for 11,12,13 or 14 hours later.
I feel so confused. I don’t want to be the one initiating all the texts and calls etc.
Then don't initiate, Jacqui, and see whether he fills in the space or keeps the distance there. If you want more and he doesn't, that's not being on the same page. But remember that you've also only been dating him for 5 weeks. That's not very long at all. You don't even know yet if he's worth getting to know better - or spending any more of your time and energy on!
Hi,
I was feeling so bad about myself and i stumbled upon this article and thought i should share my story too. I have been together with this guy for 6 months, and at the beginning i would get 3 texts a day , good morning , how is your day and a goodnight text.
But after a while , he wasn't texting me anymore, at first i maintained the texting but then i thought i should see what happens if i don't reach out, and surprise he didn't either.
And weekends together became only nights together , and in the weekend he would blow me off stating that he needs time for himself. i went along with it not wanting to be clingy .
I told him that he is not texting me anymore and he said that he s not the texting type .
We have been talking about going on holiday together. He invited me on holiday and then he uninvited me days later after saying that he needs alone time .
So i decided that there were too many red flags and i dumped him .
He came apologizing back , but afterwards he went on holiday "alone" and surprise surprise, he went on holiday with his ex.
And he stopped texting the same time he started talking to his ex again. I wish i would have trusted my gut earlier. Now i am seeing all my flaws compared to his ex.
omg... i’m so sorry. You definitely deserved something better. 🙁
His ex isn’t his ex guaranteed he lied to you that’s his woman
It isn’t that you have flaws compared to his ex. This is and never was a contest between you two. He has clear commitment issues. I wouldn’t be surprised if this is a pattern he has repeated often with her and also with other girls. You are better off!! Take time to mourn him and then get excited because a great guy is out there and now , unlike his ex who he obviously goes back and forth with and so he strings her along, you will be free to meet this great new guy coming your way!
It’s amazing to find this page which describes the exact same problem I am experiencing. I have been with my boyfriend for two years and I just love him so much. He is the first person I have truly loved and when we’re together it is heaven. However he just does not understand that I need contact. We are in a long distance relationship so I have tried to explain that although I understand that he’s not a natural texter - texts are all I have to make me feel loved by him while we can’t be together. When I explained that I felt like he didn’t love me or care about me when he didn’t call/text he couldn’t believe it and was upset to think that I thought this but I really really do feel this way.
Theee days ago I broke up wth him and I just cannot stop feeling anxious and like it could be wrong. I know I cannot put up with this poor communication anymore but I am really really struggling with the concept that the fact he doesn’t text me is the reason we are breaking up when I love him so so much. He was devastated and surprised and I just don’t know what to do. Part of me says you can do this you can make this work and you can get over the lack of communication and the other parts says you know you can’t because you would be over it by now if that was true.
It’s so hard because we wouldn’t even have this issue if we weren’t long distance so again it feels like a mistake. He will move nearer to me in 18months but can I wait that long? And what if when it comes is doesn’t work (I think it will but you can never be certain right!)
Ahhh!! It’s actual hell. And as other ladies have said above there are so many worse things like dishonesty or unfaithfulness surely this can’t be that bad ....but somehow it is!
Tears of frustration 24/7 at the moment!!
Communication problems are major problems. The fact that he didn't work with you to find a way to get your needs met while he also feels comfortable is a red flag in and of itself. Relationships are constant negotiation and getting to know one another. A person who's emotionally available and willing to be in a relationship with you will talk things out with you and meet you halfway. Only one partner doing all the compromising is never ever a good relationship. If he's the right person for you, he'll be back in your life and he'll make it happen. You cannot do the wrong thing with the right person for you.
I’ve been seeing a man for 3years now. We choose to live in our own houses, (never discussed living together). I like it that way! We see each other most weekends, but not every weekend and sometimes once during the week. I use to get the good nights and good mornings, but not anymore or it would now be just random! I’ve been having gut feelings for sometime now over his different stories, lies and unexplained clues that I’ve found left by others in his bathroom drawers. He’s an older man and it’s disappointing that Ive been played all this time......3years! When we are together we talk laugh a lot and go out during the day doing things, so not just nights! Yes we spend Xmas holidays and bdays together 2 out of the 3years. I’m certain he’s been cheating on me and yet I’ve held him up to a conversation about is he seeing someone else and always denies he is and of course changes the subject!
Thank you ladies reading all your comments has brought home truths to me and I deserve better....... Btw he’s a mechanic and fixes my car.....I pay for the parts when needed and he never has charged me labour( I’m his girlfriend so he shouldn’t)! Well for the first time ever he had the cheek to actually charge me $130 labour:(. We both have NOT contacted each other since and it’s now been for 3days and remember we are in a relationship for 3years now!
I’ve already made my decision, and will see how long it takes for him to contact me. I would say he has a replacement already! Disappointed and yes upset as 3years is a very long time in your life.
Good luck ladies, there’s got to be someone more deserving and genuine and loyal for us all.
Wow, I don't think you should bother waiting for him to contact you at all. Work on getting your equilibrium back and moving on. The cheek of him handing you a bill for lab our! If my BF did that a) I would think he was joking b) after the "are you serious!" exclamation I would would tell him "I see... I guess Im off to go find a replacement man to pay it. I wish you luck in your future endeavors." That is the most I am done with you woman action a man could ever take.
I'm going through the same thing. I been dating my man for 5 months now. At first he was texting up a storm and calling me and now he barely calls me or texts. Example sometimes he he doesn't even say goodnight. But when I call him he hardly anwsers me. But when he calls me I always anwser. I am confused . He says he loves me but I don't want to get hurt I'm a gurl that puts all of her love and dedication to that one person
So what if you didn't answer the next time he calls? What would happen then?
I agree, the comments on this article are super positive and helpful! 🙂
I am in almost the exact same situation. I have been dating my boyfriend now for almost 6 months. I have already met his family a few times, have family dinners with them and I met his friends too. He is so sweet and we spend almost every weekend together. He stays at my place all weekend too. We have a great time together. He is a pretty shy guy, really smart (in his last year at university in civil engineering). He is a bit younger than me too but it doesn't seem like it because he is very mature for his age (he's 22 and I am 26.
Ever since the beginning he wasn't a big texter so I try to remind myself of that every time I start wondering "why isn't he texting me?" We go from spending every minute of the weekend together to literally nothing at all during the week. Sometimes I'll get the odd text or Snapchat but that's about it. He usually texts me at the end of the day on Friday to see what I'm up to. But sometimes it's so last minute that I've already gone ahead and made other plans. I'm not just going to stay available for him so that when he decides to text me I'll be available (even if I would rather spend time with him lol)
Although I know that this is the way he is, it comes to a point where it's frustrating for me. It makes me feel like he isn't interested in me anymore or is starting to distance himself (or maybe that's Just me overthinking like I always do).
Anyway, I really like him and can see myself with him for a while... I just don't know what to do!
If you can see yourself with him only on the weekends and not during the rest of the week, then you've got your guy. If you want more than a random meaningless text that may or may not come in the middle of the rest of your life other than the weekends, he's not your guy. The best part, Gigi? You get to choose!
You are not alone.
I am currently in a relationship of 2 months. Almost 3. With a really lovely guy.
Accept, then when we have time apart, I don't know how to communicate with him. He said he isn't the type of person to use messenger or text. Only phone calls.
But the phone calls are always very short. It's like he doesn't want to really talk on the phone either.
I also confronted him about it. And he said the same thing. "Don't take it personally. I really do love you. I just don't communicate in that way."
Honestly I feel the same. I'm afraid to send a message. Or to dial he's number. I just feel so clingy. Or needy. When really, all I want to do is talk. To keep a connection.
Then when it's time to meet face to face it honestly makes me feel nervous. I mean, we don't speak for the whole week, and then we see each other as boyfriend and girlfriend ?
My advice is take the risk.
By that I mean, as soon as you get scared to call, call him. Or as soon as you get scared to message him, do it. As soon as something pops into your mind of something you want to say to him, say it.
And also, if he's type of communication is face to face, then just rock up and meet him.
I really hope that this is helpful
Feeling "clingy" is a sign that an emotional need of yours in not being met. No matter how great a man is, if your needs are not met, he's not the guy for you. Try to figure out what your needs are, get clear on that so that you can be clear on what kind of man you need. Feeling nervous is hardly a good sign. If you cannot feel like yourself and comfortable with your partner, comfortable to talk about anything with him, it might be pertinent to reassess.
I'm really struggling right now as I am in the same situation. At the start of the year I was dumped by my long distance ex, I got super clingy after months of feeling like I wasn't a priority. I honestly should have seen the signs earlier and bailed. This is what I'm struggling w/at the moment w/my newish bf. We have been together for 5 months and he is different from all the guys I have dated before. There is something very off though, after he came back from vacation, he picked up hours at his 2nd job and he works 16 or so hours a day. We only see each other on weekends and during the week I am feeling extremely neglected. Last week I had enough, for the last few weeks I have been initiating texts and one day I decided not to.
He didn't text me until the afternoon after I texted him, who knows how long it would have taken for him to text me if I hadn't. I told him how I felt, he apologized saying its his hours. On the weekend he told me how much he missed me, was afraid of losing me due to his job and how empty his week will be w/out me. Today we exchanged a few texts in the morning and it has been over 10 hours since he replied and he has been online (doesn't seem to miss to me all that much). Idk what to think, something feels off and I'm really hoping the lack of attention is due to the extra hours, but I have a fear that this isn't the case. Can anyone help me? This worries me because he was all over me and texted me a good amount before.
You both seem to have different needs and that's why you end up feeling "clingy". Try to understand yourself better, figure out who you are, what your needs are in relationships and why. Then try to communicate clearly from the get go with the men you go out with and tell them what those needs are and see if they can meet them. If not, you're not compatible.
Oh boy, Thank you for allowing me to read this article. Like Abby, after 3 months totally feeling the disconnection with no texts or phone calls. But, when we are together WOW, I want to see and spend more time with him. We used to date 30 years ago, wrong timing back then right timing now. He is my one and only. I am not prepared to let him go over this 1 small preference. I have to find the balance for myself and not whirl with the what-if's, cus I know it's really my crazy talking. Love the website.
This is an extremely kind and non shallow dating advice article. Love the vibes I am getting off this website! It's kind and gentle and you don't walk away feeling resentful after you get done reading. ?
It's the best website you'll ever find on dating. Look no further. I think it's clever that Jane calls this blog a dating blog; it's a heck of a lot more than that. This is more of a life as a sensitive soul blog. Welcome.
Thank you, Angel. And then some. You've got me figured out! 😉
So glad you found your way here, Samantha! Welcome. We get way, way too much of that in this world of ours, this is a safe place you can feel free to call home. 🙂
Thanks Angel,
I've told myself over and over why I should leave but never did. I guess I needed to read it from someone else before i take the step.
I've left him as of this afternoon.
I deserve better.
Thanks
I've been in a relationship with a man for almost 3 months now. He doesn't text or call, I'm always the one initiating communication. I spoke to him about it and he said that he's not a text or call person, the only person he calls is his grandma.
This guy is a graphic designer and always active online, twitter and IG but never checks up on me. When I do, he takes forever to reply to it.
He tried to call after my discussion with him but heres another issue, his call is always very official- like how are you and have a good day.
The only time he said something nice is when we are having sex or making out, those are the times he says he loves me.
we see once or twice weekly and he always want sex but sometimes i refuse. I once asked him if he really want me to stay in this relationship, he flipped and said I've low self esteem. I'm a 33 year old business lady and confident, I like communication with my man not 24/7 but sometimes.
I'm tired of thinking, don't know if I'm in a relationship with him or with myself.
Is this what you truly want for yourself? Being in a situationship with someone who has no regards for your needs and feelings? Someone who quickly resorts to calling you "insecure" or accusing you of having "low self-esteem" when you express your concerns and needs is not a healthy partner for anybody.
Think hard about why you are choosing someone like this. What does he represent to you? What are you projecting onto him that keeps you trying when he clearly doesn't care about you?
Could it be that there is some "low self-esteem" for you to look into for your own sake, not his?
This doesn't look like something a wonderful woman would want for herself. Get to the root of why you're staying. He may have said he loves you, but his actions show otherwise. Inconsistency is a big red flag. Good luck.
Well....this is similar to my situation. Am dating a journalist .We love each other soo much but I am always doing the calling. He only text when I ignore him for 2 weeks. I wonder if he love me more like the way he claims.
What happened mercy are you guys still together?
I had a similar issue with my boyfriend. We talked about it and he is clearly not the communicating type and i like to talk all day long if someone let me. He put in the effort when I told him to, but like Jane mentioned it only lasted so long before he went back, you can't change someone.
He did tell me though, that it doesn't bother him to get text messages from me, that he likes receiving them, he's just not good at replying. Maybe that is something that could work for you? I interpreted my own wanting to text and call all the time as needy, but he told me it was ok for me to do this since to him, it was not needy.
It still annoys me that I don't get as many messages from him, and it is something I miss from when we first started dating.
Knowing what you want - and standing by it! - is never needy, Anna. When we're true to ourselves we get information from everyone around us that tells us if they're truly compatible with us, or not. Now if we could only process that as information only and not rejection or as a negative reflection on who we are and what we have to offer, we wouldn't take it all so personally! It's never about you as much as it's about him.
**I wrote this letter!** Thank you, Jane!!
This really helped a LOT, and made me confident in the decision I made...
I actually ended up breaking up with him. I was so unhappy and lonely. I would look at my phone and there would be calls and texts from tons of people, but my own boyfriend didn't have an urge to see how I was doing. I know that may sound dramatic, but it just made me feel sad and not cared about.
I told him how I felt, and he chalked it up to be that we are just not compatible then. I sobbed all the way home, thinking I just made a huge mistake (i.e.; would ever other woman had been able to just play it cool and not care??), and a week passed with me regretting my decision and him not reaching out or coming after me.
After the week passed, and I realized he wasn't fazed whatsoever, I realized: I DESERVE a man who's going to come after me. I deserve a man who's going to want to talk to me all the time and call me and text me. I deserve to be in a relationship where I'm not analyzing everything I text my boyfriend because I don't want to come off as too "needy."
I'm still sad about the breakup, BUT, after a week, I already feel more relaxed and more free. I check my phone after 9 hours and don't feel that sinking feeling in my stomach when there's nothing from my boyfriend. I don't really regret my decision anymore, because I look back and realize the entire relationship was me feeling so anxious, sad, insecure... yet I tried "playing it cool."
Many women might disagree with me, but everyone is different. And me, Abby, personally, now I know that a dealbreaker for me is a man who barely talks to me when we aren't together. I want a guy who I can text whenever I want and say, "I'm bored, let's do something!"
You live and you learn, right?
Thank you, Jane!
-Abby
Thank you for getting back to us, Abby. And you're right. You deserve to feel safe and happy in your relationship. If you don't, it's time to move on. It sucks so much to be into someone who can just take us or leave us and doesn't even try. He wasn't it.
I'm glad you learned you can do so much better than this. Cheers to you ?
Abby, I wrote some of the responses above, but colored by my own experiences.
It is obvious like you made the right decision! How great too to hear how you are doing afterwards. You sound so good and clear and optimistic and also self-confident. The way you always deserved to feel!
I'm excited for you bc now you are free to meet the right person. Trust your gut!! You've just had yet another proof how accurate it is. 🙂
Really love this response, and glad you followed your 'gut' on this one. I'm in an identical situation, and feeling the same sadness, loneliness and anxiety always waiting to hear from him. He's great when we are together. He is affectionate, and tries to show his interest in physical ways although any sort of emotional conversation never happens unless it's a 'serious talk' about us. He treats me well when we are together, and I ultimately feel happy and safe, but as soon as that ends, I barely hear from him. It leaves me feeling unwanted, unprioritized and confused. I have raised my concerns with him, and he started calling me when he got a free second during the day, but that quickly disappeared within a couple weeks. I also get so many great, caring texts and calls from everyone else, but the anxiety of just wanting 'that' from him is killing me. The only difference is that I'm pregnant with his child, so things are a little complicated. If we weren't going to have a child together, I think it would be over already. Thank you for this post, it has made me feel much better. I know I'm not the only one feeling confused by this type of behaviour from a man, and realize it's time to focus on everything but him for a little while and hope he comes around.
How are you doing now? Are you still together? You should look up the dismissive avoidant attachment style on youtube. Sounds like your fellow/maybe ex was that type. My current bf is like this and it was so confusing until I learnt about this reason behind it. He would go 3 days with no contact sometimes. And after a weekend together and a text check in the day after he would seem to need up to two days of no contact space. Yet he was always perfectly engaged in person, emotionally open if I didnt ask questions and waited for him to talk about whatever was on his mind, and treated me really well in terms of catering to my needs and taking me out on dates etc. Cheating crossed my mind for the distance of course but he works long days and was very into me so it didnt seem like that was the cause either. He has anxiety and had an alcoholic mother, does not drink at all himself because of it. The attachement style theory helped me understand his odd push and pull.
yes, you are right Jane. Men need their independent space. Sometimes women too control to them. When women are falling in love, we do not see what actually doing in the relationship so ruin it for unintentionally. Sometimes it is not good to share our feeling because men are thinking in different than women. Some men think if we share our feeling, they will think why women thinking too much and creating problem.
Love should be in peace and accept for it to be growth. Love is not about timing.
Hi Abby,
Something sounds a bit off. Can you text him or call him anytime? Does he respond?
Trust your heart and face the truth. Its only 3 months. Please guard your heart so you dont get hurt. When you love someone you are totally into them. Are you more into him than he is into you?
Dont fall inlove too deeply. Dont fill in the blanks. Dont put all your cards on the table. You are beautiful and special and the right guy will make you feel this way. If you like attention and this guy isnt giving you much. You will end up feeling miserable and hurt. It's still figure out what you want. It all comes down to what you want. Dont settle for less. This is your life. He is doing what makes him happy.
I noticed too those comments about feeling you couldn't text or call him.
Is this because he said not to do so or acts upset or defensive or in some other negative way when you do? If so, those are red flags.
But if it is because you waiting for him to text/call first or hold off on your natural instinct to reach out because you want the communications between you two to seem more balanced /even (or you are worried about seeking needy), then that is a different story.
So long as you not sending several texts at once or every hour or two or leaving multiple voicemails , then feel free to reach out to him.
--I tend to write /text too much with everyone , and so often they need to reply hold off, I'm driving and you interfering with the directions or I'm working or I'm on a call, I'm sleeping, etc...
It doesn't feel so great to hear that but I also know it not me personally or them or any sign of anything , it just I text more than they can handle at the moment for whatever reason. So I try to be mindful of length /number /timing of texts and also their schedules and text-feelings.
But unless you tend to be like me in that way, just reach out when you want.
Just bc he is not a text/call type person doesn't mean you can't be and it also doesn't mean he doesn't appreciate that you are...
Obviously, he has found how you are and how you relate (by text/call) attractive and interesting! He wouldn't be trying to reassure you otherwise 🙂
My guy is like this and we are now very happily married!! He has improved with texting , but mainly I work on reassuring myself when he goes 8+ hours sometimes without a text.
The thing is, he dislikes texting and calls, no matter who it is with. I've seen him try to type a text and it is a very slow , frustrating, auto spell-check battle for him.
He also is a guy and tends to focus on one task at hand at a time. It is how he gets things done and does them well.
He does now try to at least text a 🙂 or hi after several hours (sometimes) bc I explained over the past few years how something happens to me around hour 7 or 8 and I start to wonder how can he go so long without a thought of me or, as hours 10 + approach ( on rare occasions), if an accident happened.
He, too, reassures me on his feelings and says a lack of text or call does NOT mean he is not thinking of me. In the past, I've pointed out that may be the case, but I won't know that unless he reaches out.
But... when those moments of what no texts do to me pass and I feel secure again, I can see ALL the ways he does show his love and not just love, but the fact that he listens, even when I'm just talking, but not thinking I'm sharing much. He will surprise me with picking up something I like or saying I know you don't like this, but what about that or something else he does or says will pull me up short bc I realize , boy, he IS attuned to me.
I also think there is some truth that most guys are very different from women in communication and relationship styles.
I had guys who text or called a lot and who left romantic notes or brought unexpected flowers and none of them turned out to be mr. right. One, wasn't independent enough for me , ironic, I know! The others turned out to be liars or cheats or , in one case, just disappeared after a great Valentine's Day date the night before and after we'd been living together for a few years (still haven't heard from him directly ).
But like Jane said, it is up to you.
If this makes you miserable or starts to turn into resentment, then a guy who texts /calls a lot might be a better fit for you!
We all give and feel love in different styles. Some guys are slow to understand how much it means to try to show love in the recipient's love language versus their own .
To me, slow has turned out to be ok, as has showing it once in a while. On the other hand, if you have someone who over time never tries at all to sow love in a way that you understand , that could be difficult.
I am not sure I could or would handle the latter. To me, I don't want to always be the understanding one and always have to see it from both points of views.
However, I am so thankful that I gave my husband the time for me to see how he is and how he loves and also how he moves forward and how he grows.
If this is the *only* issue, 3 months doesn't sound very long to me and most likely not long at all to many guys.
BUT I would examine things to see if there is more than this behind your feelings bc we women have a great gut sense but also love to rationalize way too much in the first 3-4 months of a relationship. (And beyond, but especially then when red flags should make us walk (or at least focus on so many other things in our own lives and let them do the work to figure things out and contact us later)).
hang in there!
And what I wrote is colored by my own experiences ; so do trust yourself! And if the guy, himself, hasn't given any reason not to trust him yet, like by his own actions not matching his words or a lie or an incomplete truth or something, then consider trusting him as well.
This made me feel so much better. My boyfriend of 7 months is so bad a texting or calling. I will get an "I miss you" text or a heart at least once every day when we don't see each other as he works nights and I work a traditional 9-6 schedule. I have an extremely in tune gut sense and have not felt there have been any red flags I have gotten with every other past relationship. While my love language is affirmations and his is quality time, we are both still getting assimilated to each other's and I have to keep reminding myself it has --only-- been 7 months. He has shown he loves me in all other ways and says he loves getting calls and texts from me, as he works total opposite schedules to me he is usually sleeping during the day and will text me at night how much he misses me and thinks of me and catching up and I respond during the morning when I wake up. Its been a struggle but I really do know in my heart he is the one.
I have also needed to reaffirm myself that not only is it relatively early on in the relationship, but it is totally unrealistic of me to expect him to wake up any time I text him. The man obviously has to get sleep at some point! He has told me how much he loves me and wants to marry me and spends 99% of his available time with me. Overall its about getting used to someone else since I've always been an extremely independent person. I tend to, as many other women and people in general do, grasp on to someone and put all of my time and energy into said person and let myself and friendships fall behind. I haven't seen anyone else mention that looking at the distance as a positive rather than a negative could be useful as it has been for me. It forces me to not lose myself in my significant other and keep focused on myself, my job, running my own business, and my friends that are truly my family.
I hope this little addition helps someone as every one else's experiences have helped me! Love the voice of this blog, I don't feel like such a loser or unrealistic for needing or wanting attention and at the end of the day I know that is nearly impossible to get absolutely EVERYTHING you need from a single person. Its too much pressure for both parties and I've been in relationships of that nature before and clearly they did not work out lol
Stay positive. It can be hard to not hear from him. I have the most wonderful man and have dealt with this for two years. Plus he is an extreme introvert. It does get better as you move forward with the relationship. You cant change people, we can all work on bettering ourselves. Good luck. I have the best guy and trust him completely. He just hates the phone and prefers to communicate in person. Oh how it could be much worse!
Abby - I have a similar problem except in my situation it is reversed. I really think my boyfriend wishes I would call him more. The thing is, my last relationship I was in for 4 years and we barely called each other ever, we texted more than we called each other. It obviously was not a good relationship as it ended, but I got into a bad habit of just texting all the time. I love my current boyfriend so much and I want to be with him all the time, I love talking to him, he is really wonderful. I want to do everything I can to make him happy. I guess part of it is I have kind of a phone phobia. That is something a man would probably be less likely to admit. Some people are just really uncomfortable on the phone and it is nothing personal. I say if he treats you right when you are together, don't let this phone issue become the biggest issue. I don't see it as a "deal breaker" as I am on the other side of this, I hope my boyfriend would agree. When my boyfriend calls me I answer the phone, or if I miss it I call him back as soon as I get a chance. If your boyfriend is actively ignoring you and not calling you back that might be another story. If he doesn't call back or text back, you may want to talk to him about that as it is a cause for concern. I'm just saying don't throw away a perfectly good relationship based on this. I would be devastated if my boyfriend broke up with me when I am really crazy about him and do everything I can to show him. Some people love in different ways, look for the ways in which he loves you and embrace them. He sounds like a good guy. If you feel this is a really big issue talk some more about it. It sounds to me like he would do whatever he had to do to make you happy, that's how I feel about my boyfriend too. Maybe sometimes in love we need to step outside of our comfort zone, just keep the lines of communication open. Communication is key. Good luck!
I have a similar situation. Been dating this wonderful guy for over a year now. Prior to dating him, all the guys I dated were huge into texting. I would get texts all through The day and night just checking in, seeing how my day was and what I was doing. This guy, didn't do that. At first I took it real personal too. I was thinking because I didn't get the "good morning beautiful" text from him every morning (like I did from the others) that he was not thinking about me or care about me like the others did. However, after talking with him about it he said it has nothing to do with me and he's just not that big into texting. We do text every day and mostly at night before bed but not as much as I was used to and honestly I would still love it if he text and called more often. But it is something you have to decide if you can live with. If he's great in all other parts of your relationship and is faithful and you have fun etc but he just doesn't text as much as you want - are you really going to break up with someone because he didn't text enough ? I also say you should be able to text or call him. I learned my guy is just really single focused so if he's doing something, stopping to text me back isn't going to happen but will text back when he's done. If yours won't even text or call back that just disrespectful. So it boils down to a choice on your part. Can you live with it ? It was hard for me and still is sometimes but he's worth it for everything else he brings to the table.
I like your response the most Christina!
What about if you're going into LDR, after spending 2 years living with him? It gets really bad if he doesn't text at all or skype.
I have been dating a guy since 10 Aug (haha) we started closely and he has stayed around and we meet at weekends at his place. He has a dog and so do i and we have a lovely doggy family together he is happy to see me when it suits him and when hes busy hes busy and will respond. Ive been very keen with him giving more than he needs. He likes to cook for me and we both cook together sometimes, but recently I feel he is pulling back because Ive wanted more from him, he is married and divorced for the 2nd time now, yes I know not a great track record but we have a good connection when we are together. BUT when monday morning comes hes focused needs to do his stuff at home, does text and maintain contact in the day sometimes and works on his business in the week at home but then has his friends over to keep him company, throughout the week. I have asked him many many times for us to see each other in the week so it can break up the weekend for me I say dont you like to see me in the week, he says "sometimes" he likes his company and his space and thats it. Then Saturday comes and its my turn again. I know I rush into things and being only nearly 4 mths its still young but i want more which he has told me he cant give yet and to be patient with him. Im focusing on myself more then I forget then I try to continue again, I try to be less on the phone to see if he texts me, usually the next day but im still waiting in the wings and its just the worst feeling trying to get him to respond with silence on my part. I hate it I often wonder if being single is better than being in a relationship because either way one day something will happen to invade our time together.......
PS; however i know in my heart if I didnt try to change him and just accept him to be himself it would work....as one lady states above will it be something you can deal with in the future, or can you be happy now and work with it.....I dont know im a bit confused as I havent had the best in relationships mainly coz I have pushed too much, so as i read this back and the one above it could be a good education process for me to be less emotional and give concentration on myself ...... 🙂
You've got it, Lisa. Figured this one out for yourself. 🙂
Abby, did he say you couldn't txt him? I have a guy friend that I love being touch with. I wanted him to be in my life but he thought he couldn't care for me like I do. So we stayed friends. I initiate the txying because I want to stat in touch. He responds and it makes me happy. I will send him random "hellos". He likes me checking in with him.
Why can't you txt him? Or ask him, I would like to txt you, are you comfortable with that? And would you respond? If he says " no" then I honestly think it won't be good for you. I'm sorry.
Run, don't walk! Don't be like me. 2 years later and one day he just stopped answering my text and calls.
I'm not saying this is your situation, but I was dating a guy I met online for 4 mos. We had agreed on being exclusive and seemed to want the same things. When we were together it was great. Unlike your situation, he actually would text me when we weren't together- quite frequently. But he'd never call me and was always working weekends. I never understood why he wouldn't call when he was traveling but would always text. Come to find out he was not only dating me but at least three other women (that I know of- there were likely more). I found out when they messaged me through social media. One girl lived in another state- hence the reason he was always traveling for "work".
My point is, he was great in person- passionate, caring, took me out. He had no problem lying to my face obviously- and was very good at it. If you are unhappy or seeing "red flags" trust your gut. In this day and age I just find it odd that someone who supposedly cares so much for you, finds it difficult to simply text or call when you aren't together. Three months is not a long time. It's still early. This should be the stage where you are happy and so excited about being together. If he is this way now, what will he be like in a year? Or 5 years?
At any rate, trust your gut and do what makes you happy. Three months is too early to already be having problems. Also- I don't know how you met this guy- online? Already a friend? Maybe because I was just burned, but I'm really wary of trusting guys I meet online anymore. If I see red flags, I'm gone.
Well said Kat and Jay. When we aren't together he "BARELY" talks to me. That is definitely a flashing RED light. But when you are together he is affectionate. Have you gotten physical with him? Relationship is about compromise and communication. Is he trying to make you happy? He has already told you to deal with it. DON'T call or text him and see how long he takes to call/ text. Keep yourself busy. Focus on yourself. Don't let your happiness depend on when or if he contacts. You'll be on frequent lows with FEW highs. I know what I am telling you because I have been there. Don't make someone a priority who has you as an option.
I want to thank you so much. My so called boyfriend does me this way. He hardly ever calls and slow about texting me. Maybe I do need to focus on myself or someone else. I do feel like an option in this relationship. Thank you.
Hi Abby.
Jane has put it perfectly. Remember you are the only one who knows what you need in a relationship. No one can tell you that. We need to find men we can accept as they are, without trying to change them.
That said, there's something I personally would worry about and it's the fact that he immediately shut you out by saying: "I'm not a Texter or phone guy and I never will be". That sounds pretty much like a take it or leave it attitude. Someone who really cares about you, wouldn't be so defensive. Instead, a great guy who wants the same thing you want with you would have said something more like: I see. I am not such a good communicator via text or phone, to be honest, but let's figure out what I can do. He would have suggested a kind of compromise on his part that worked for him and worked for you too. This is team play. This is partnership. Someone who just dismisses your bids within the relationship without considering your feelings is not that great a partner. Think about that for a bit. You can always kindly talk about it once more and suggest something he could do that works for you and him. See how he responds. Another thing you can do is tell him why you need it, why it's important. How do you feel when you receive it? That might help him see things from a less selfish perspective of you vs. me.
If he doesn't respond well to that, you have a decision to make and you have found out much bigger things here than the texting thing.
Good luck.
Agree! The fact he basically said "that's how I am, deal with it" did not sit well with me. He's setting the ground rules and she needs to either accept them or move on.
I agree too, and like idea of trying broach topic again with a solution and then see how he reacts.
I also would keep in mind that many texts to us signify the guy is thinking about us but to him a request for them may feel like something else based on his own past relationships. An open conversation, asking him his feelings /initial response to the request may be very interesting.
And then seeing if both can move forward from there. And that is so very important, I believe.
We all have issues and relationship baggage, but we all are responsible for making sure it doesn't hurt another person or sabotage us. If he isn't at that point yet, it may be time to focus on yourself and let him sort out things. He needs to at least be wanting a healthy relationship.
If he isn't trying to keep you and his spot in your life, know you are worth someone who does. That said, some people are not into electronic communication, with everyone. Determine if this is just a case of anti-technology talking, or lack of effort. Whatever the case, especially if its the later, its not about you if you are stepping up and showing up in the relationship. If his efforts are not matching yours, its not about you. People sabotage good things in their life for whatever reason. You deserve to be happy. A significant other who doesn't step up willingly is not worth it.