One of our gorgeous readers, Emma, has been dating a guy for five months who suddenly told her that he needed some space, and then subsequently disappeared.
Here's her email:
Dear Jane,
I have been dating this guy for around five months.
We aren't officially together yet but we have both expressed the interest in being officially together. He works night shift and has to work most weekends with his job and lives a hour and a half away.
I only get to see him once a week usually.
We have had many successful dates together even a weekend getaway. He seems like a total sweetheart and I Really like him a lot.
It started off with him first not contacting me and as much then last week he told me he needs some time to himself for awhile and he couldn't go into detail over text. I know he has been dealing with some work issues but I still can't help but feel I have done something wrong.
He hasn't talked to me since then.
Should I be worried that he may never talk to me again?
- Emma
My Response:
Dear Emma,
If there's something you know you did do, and you feel it was "wrong" - and it's something you feel you need to apologize for or explain - then go ahead and do that.
But if you're simply feeling like you did something "wrong" by being your true self, and that what's really going on is that you being yourself only revealed that the two of you aren't on the same page, then let it be.
Let him be.
Whatever he's going through has to do with him, and not with you. Whatever work issues he's going through are his own.
He's telling you he needs some time for himself for a while and is choosing not to go into detail. He's choosing to tell you this through a text message because he doesn't want to go into detail or have a discussion about it.
Don't make this about you and what you did or didn't do.
If there's only some ambiguous question of what that might be and you spend all your time and energy going back over and over what's in the past, you're going to miss out on what's here right now for you and in the future.
Do what you need to do to make peace with yourself.
But more often than not, Emma, when I hear words like "I only get to see him once a week", and your question "Should I be worried that he may never talk to me again?", I see an even bigger issue here than simply being worried that he's gone for good.
The issue of power, your own, and what you've done with it.
Where are you in this relationship, is my question? Are you the only one who wants more?
And my next question, why?
Why is there this imbalance? Why are you giving this man who only seems "like a total sweetheart", the power to determine your worthiness? Isn't that what this is really about?
You see, Emma, we always think it's about him, this particular person who you've decided is someone you want to be in a relationship with, but if he's not on the same page as you, if he's not putting as much effort into this relationship as you are, then it doesn't matter how much of a sweetheart he is or how much you like him; you can't be the only one invested in a relationship meant for two.
A real relationship with someone who is truly compatible with you with the staying power to make it through the ups and downs that all relationships inevitably go through, can't be one-sided with one person putting in all the effort and hoping to "get" more time with the other.
Otherwise, there's too much of an imbalance of power for it to work.
Both people need to feel worthy of their own accord. Both people need to know they're doing the choosing – and not be limited by the idea that they have to do something to "get" someone to want to be with them.
This isn't how real love and real, authentic, lasting, fulfilling relationships work. This is only what we settle for when we don't believe we're worth anything more.
That's why this isn't about him and what's going on with him, Emma, it's about you and what's going on with you.
Why do you want to be with someone who isn't making more time for you? Why do you want to be with someone who needs some space from you? Why do you want to be with someone who isn't choosing to have this kind of conversation with you in a way other than the cop-out communication of a text message? What does this reveal about you?
You're not going to change him and where he's at, but you can change you!
This is the beauty of these scenarios that we almost always miss. We become so lost in trying to turn back the clock and get someone back to the way it used to be, that we miss the beauty in the discovery of ourselves and what we couldn't otherwise have seen without this!
You're worth so much more than a man who isn't there, who can't see you, who says words that aren't backed up by real live actions.
Don't settle for this, Emma.
Getting to the root, finding the powerful you, and coming from a place of choice instead of settling for crumbs is your birthright, not something you might "get" to do. You, and every single one of us, deserve nothing less!
Love,
Jane
Do you have any other words of advice or encouragement for Emma? We all have something to offer from where we've been and what we've been through. Share your words of advice for her (and all of us) below in the comments!
Hi Everyone,
I found this site completely useful and this article was amazing in trying to figure out guys behaviour. It makes so much sense! Guys invest themselves in trying to get you to fall in love with them, then, once successful at that they then take time to consider if they really want to be with you. So that's what's happening. "Let it be" as Jane says. Give him space to decide - but don't let it stop you from being awesome and believing in yourself! Xxxx
Beautifully said, Ingi. So glad this is resonating with your beautiful heart and soul!
I have been involved with a man for about 6 months. We were high school sweethearts (me 16/him 17) but our lives drifted apart after 1 year when he moved out of the country. Fast forward nearly 30 years, he found me and we rekindled our love. He told me for the 1st time he loved me within days of finding me. We have talk about our lives together. I'm crazy about him. I love him dearly. But There is a lot of tension with me as I'm going thru a separation from my husband. It been evolving up to divorce for last few years. My issue is that my boyfriend love and I got in a nasty and hurtful fight yesterday. I stormed out, without a word. And he didn't stop me. We usually cool off and talk before we go to bed / we live hour apart. He declined my call 4 times. I thought ok he is tired. I sent him a long text explaining how I was feeling during and after our fight. Not a response back. Next morning he did not text me his usually morning text. I called him again twice and he ignored my calls. But texted back saying he wasn't interested in talking about the fight and that we should take a break. I freaked out called him again, left a msg to please call. He ignored my call again. But texted back a 2nd time that he is not interested in talking about anything at the moment. I told him I loved him. And ok. I haven't heard from him and I feel like that 16 year old girl panicking about messing things up. I don't know how to take not talking and need a break. I sent him a text telling him I was hurt and confused, plus angry however that I love him and will respect his need for a break. And he didn't respond to that either. Problem is there is no time frame on the break., no rules. Am I to think this is his way of breaking up. Or is he just trying to express some tough love so that I get control of the direction of my life. My soon to be ex had been very emotionally controlling me and it has worn me out. .... But I just don't know why my boyfriend love wants a break. The days up to this we told each how much we loved each other several times a day. I'm feeling weak and lost. I just want to talk to him but my girlfriend said it would make things worse. To leave him alone.
I'm new to the whole dating scence. I've been married for nearly 20 years and I'm scared of what's going on. Im losing a husband but am I losing my boyfriend too. Please help
My advice to her is to be strong, start loving yourself more and give him space .Connect with God, Hang out with friends and family, Join a gym, get your nails and hair done and go places you don't frequent. And I guarantee he will be back saying and doing all the things you wanted and more or not. If he doesn't good ridance! And I bet you won't even care & you will have met better prospects anyway!! LOVE YOURSELF MORE
Dear Emma,
We have all been there and done that and blamed ourselves when in fact, they are just not a good match for us, bottom line.
Perhaps if we would want to be with someone who makes us feel good about ourselves instead of with someone who does not, our lives would be sooooo much better
Much love and go for the best for yourself,
Pat
So true, Pat. Thank you for your comforting words for Emma. Haven't we all!
Emma,
What does your heart tell you? What is your intuition and gut instinct saying? There are many different reasons a man withdraws and/ or becomes distant. For starters, you have done nothing wrong. You are the same girl today as you were when he met you. Know that if a guy could leave you that you never lost him, because you can't lose someone you never had, and anyone who leaves you was never yours to begin with. It's okay to allow yourself to be at peace. Every relationship is a leap of faith. There are men who, while dating a women, will do everything right, and then the woman marries him and next thing you know he's cheating, or not acting like the man he once was, and the marriage ends in divorce. Trust me, I have seen this. Staying with a man just because he spends a lot of time with you, does everything a boyfriend should be doing, is NOT love, that's just satisfaction. Love and Satisfaction are two different things. There are couples who may spend a lot of time together , but the quality of that time is terrible. Time may be spent fighting, constant critisisism, defensivness, sarcasm, stonewalling. While, other couples who see eachother less actually take the time to enjoy their moments together. Women need to remember that's it's the journey, not the destination that matters most with the man in your life. Stop trying to fit a certain mold of what a relationship should be, but embrace what is. Never stop loving yourself. And do not measure your value, worth, and beauty solely on a man. Only you can measure that. The right man for you will always see your value, always think you are beautiful, no matter how flawed you are. Some men will take their girlfriend or wife for granted, that's his problem, not her's. This is why loving yourself is so important. Only you can ever really know what is best for you, and whether or not this guy of yours is someone you want in your life. Life is messy, complicated and peculiar. I read a quote once that said " The best love is insane". Only in a perfect world would every woman have the ideal relationship. We are all imperfect traveling on our own unique journey. Perfect is boring. So go with the flow of the dance that is your life, love with all your heart in all of it's insanity, be your true authentic self, only then can you break your heart open.
Autumn words have made me think... That distintction between satisfaction and love, between the journey and destination...
I got lost, we got lost somewhere between, unable to continue our jorney together - for reasons that were both mine and his. From joy and satisfaction we went to a really strange atmosphere. Both my heart and my mind could not take it any more. I needed more, but also felt that this man is not able/willing/reading the same page/living in the same time as I was.
Time is so imortant here. And what you do with it.
Just recently, months after our breakup and silence, he tried to contact me, only to remind me about our travelling together.
This is why the better question for Emma (and many here) might actually be: what if you DO hear from him again? What have YOU learned about him, and about yourself - while you were together, and after he pulled away the way he did? Is this really the man you want to spend your time with - and you should already know what he can and cannot offer? Was it really enough? He did you a favor, I think - you just need time to realize this youself.
I have not responded to his message - because good times, fun, occassional travelling are just a part of a journey I want to take - however nice and symbolic, the message was only saying that. Because I think both him and I need to take this time (separatelly!) to learn about ourselves.
We cannot offer more to eachother now. It makes no difference who made the actual split (and how) - that fact is there. Accept it, because all the IFs show that you are still too much lost in figuring out someone elses moves and feelings, except your own.
Hi Emma,
I've been there and know how it feels. Both parties have to be willing to put the same effort in to make a successful fulfilling relationship. When a man pulls back it is saying something. It's not a reflection on you but rather where he is at. The hard part is accepting that as we all have an expectation as to how we would like a relationship to go. I dated a man who went from being so caring and attentive to zero! He pulled back. There were reasons to do with his personal life and demands. As much as I wanted to make it work and reminisce on the good times he simply wasn't on the same page as me in the end and there was nothing I could do to change that but rather to accept and discover more about myself in the process. It's a journey and when you realise your worth and value you won't settle for less than you deserve. You don't need to chase any any man who is not willing to invest in you equally. You are worth so much more. I say this from my own experience. I've grown so much as a result. The right guy will make no excuses he will want to spend quality time with you. Be kind to yourself in the process. You deserve nothing but the best and it starts with you loving yourself enough to walk away from any situation that doesn't benefit you. Stay strong. Xx
Thank you for adding to the conversation with your own experience, Dawn."You don't need to chase any any man who is not willing to invest in you equally." - Ever. In fact, more telling than anything else, this is your confirmation of everything you don't yet believe you know.
Emma, let him go. Don't let him take all your energy, a real man loves you for who you are in the good and bad times. You shouldn't do all the work in the relationship, he needs to be on the same page as you. Its great advice from Jane, listen to your head not your heart. Your worthy of so much more, don't waste any more time and energy on him, don't contact him as it will cause you more pain. Just move on, I know its hard, but it will benefit you in the long term, the right man will walk into your life. Take care of you!
Beautiful words, Shelley. This is so true. Thank you!
This is such good advice. It is so easy to say and so hard to do. How do you not make it about you? But you are right. It is not about us, it is about them and what page they are on. If you take the emotion out of it, it makes it so much simpler. It is so hard to just go on, when your heart is still with them and aching for them everyday. Its been months and he is still the first thing I think of every morning and every night. I know in time, the longing will lesson. That is what I am afraid of. The day, when I wont remember how great if felt to be with him. What is meant to be, will be. Just take it one day at a time. This too shall pass. I agree though, don't reach out to him. I wish I would have done that from the beginning. If you love someone , set them free. If they come back they are yours and if not, they never were... sad but true! Good luck to you all!
So true. If something is meant to be it will and if not it simply won't. Time is a healer. I understand how you have felt and feel. Been there and it's not one bit easy. Life does go on and you are growing in the process. You should be so proud of yourself. 🙂
It's always easier to say - to hear - than to do walk through, Gia; we can all agree with that. But it's through the walking through that you find the hidden worth, the treasure of what this journey is all about! You find you, in the rubble of the collapse of everything you wanted it to be, the point, the reason, the reality that is so much better than any fantasy we dreamed up comes through.
And to add - Maybe a much better question is: What if you do hear from him again?
I have had ones come back and that just happened recently and I gave him another chance. This was a man I dated a year ago and he was going through a divorce and just not in a good place at the time. He basically just disappeared after dating for about month or so even though I knew we had a great connection and the chemistry was amazing but I just knew the timing wasn't right for him. I went on with my life and never contacted him, we were pleasant and chatted whenever we saw each other and a year or so later he contacted me out of the blue and asked me back out again. Every situation is different, but in this scenario he wasn't emotionally ready for a relationship when we first started dating and even if it had continued at the time I truly believe it would not have lasted since it was too soon for him to get seriously involved after just being recently separated. Sometimes men just need time to figure things out for themselves especially after a big change in their life and as always timing is everything in relationships and in this case it wasn't right at one time, but a year of self discovery and adjustment to his new life made the timing perfect for us a year later.. Both of us just did us for a year separately and if it's meant to be you will hear from that man again it may be in a year, 5, 10, 20 years but will happen if it's meant to be... In the meantime just keep living your life and enjoy every moment and whatever will be will be...
Emma,
As hard as it is, you need to just pull back and give him his space.. During this time it's all about doing you, all the things you may have been neglecting or not doing while you were spending time with him.. I've done this in the past and if you just going on living and enjoying life (even if you have to fake it) just start up activities you enjoy and go on living life to the fullest and if it's meant to be he will be back. If not some other great guy will see this amazing girl just living/ enjoying life and will want to meet you. It's Emma time so enjoy it!!!
Exactly, Sienna. And oh so true! Thank you.
Ema, let him be - and try to understand why do you so desperately want this man, this kind of relationship, this ambiguity, this torture? For a bit of fun and joy? Don't you believe it can be much more, much better?
For more than three years I was going to his house when his parents leave out of the city, then going back to my mom's home as soon as they return ... Week after week, year after year, my plans were depending on his (parents') plans! And when I bought my own apartment, he never really moved in, and we were still going to his home whenever his parents leave. We seemed like a perfect committed couple, who even started to live together - but all that time something did not feel right, it did not feel honest, we were not trully and deeply together. He kept himself in his own world, did what worked for him... My openly expressed disatisfaction, talks, tries, even one breakup, did not have any effect - it was staying the same.
The question is: why was I accepting this kind of half-life? Why was I torturing myself - what was I so afraid of? Of staying alone, being completely rejected? Do I also have issues with commitement and intimacy? Why was I in this game for so long?!
I am alone now - thanks to this group I found the courage to end this. Even then, my initial impulse was to focus on him, to understand HIS ways, feelings and next actions. Again, no me.
Let him be, learn from this, so you can take your power back - and keep it the only place it should be! Feel the energy! We are all here with you!
Isn't that when we know, SB?! But only if we allow ourselves to. When he doesn't "really" move in, when his plans are never "really" your plans, when that inner nudging within you tells you that yes, you know more about this than you think you do. "Again, no me." - So telling, so true. Thank you for sharing from your own experiences, the questions you asked, the places you've been, it's all there. And how it helps each other to share what you've learned along the way.
Emma i have a similar story to yours, when i was with my ex in Dec 2014 - 19 June 2015 i was in your exact shoes n my ex worked for a motel close to perth airport n he got rostered monthly. he had work issues and he smoked n had a disability with aspergus n wore contact lens. in feb i wanted to see him more but work was holding him up so he was busy n he told me about work over the phone n he was tired n he lived 1h and 30mins away
there was times he had to go to bed early to do a morning shift n when the work is done he goes home n sometimes he finished at 11am n other times he finished at 2pm. there was times he did double shift.
he was 22 and i was 26 had gone 27 which was the new me. there was a time in my life i wanted to see my old guy friends who i hadn't seen for 2 -5 years n on the 19th june i met someone n he thought i was cheating n lying but i never lied. he got angry at me n said U've got an attitude n i said the same thing back to him. i never said i hate u or anything. i ended it coz i had enough of him smoking n had to put with it during my time with him
he would swear n get drunk. ever since then he's told my male friends i'm a liar n i haven't even contacted my ex n i've done things for my own safety like seeing my friends 2x a weeks, seeing my mum. my ex took it too fast. when he told my male friends they never replied back but show me the msg's on fb
emma if he gets drunk or smokes don't bother about getting into a r-ship n have a list of standards as for me i kept my high standards. if he can keep up with your standards then go. if u don't smoke then don't bother about it n be best friends or something. maybe in your spare time u could make new friends n spend time with your other friends n don't spend it on yourself waiting for him, if u want a early night go ahead. if he calls u when he's finished then it's a good sign of interest. the more active in meeting new friends or spend time with them the more he will want to speak to u.
Thank you, Courtney. Take care of yourself, too!
I'm struggling with an on again off again five year whatever you call it that is a dead end. Find someone worthy of you before you invest another minute. Trust me on this one. It becomes emotionally draining and painful.
oh how it is, Rose. Thank you for sharing - and now do the same for you!
Thank you Jane. Why oh why am I having such a difficult time moving forward? It's loveless aloof and indifferent..it's consuming me. I know I deserve so much more. It's a friends with an occasional benefit nothing more. Day to day.. No communication just there..it's empty and unfulfilling. Thank you for your beautiful site.
This is my ultimate fear. After having waited on a man to commit for 5 years, I decided I was worth so much more. Now, I just started talking to this guy about 6 weeks ago, and we are taking things very slowly. His divorce is not final for another few months, his neice was killed a month ago, and he just sent his oldest daughter away to college so he's dealing with alot. We really like each other and are attracted to each other and thus far he seems like a man of very good character. He's been nothing but open and honest with me which I really appreciate. We talk/text every day and see each other about once a week. My biggest fear is falling for him and finding myself in that place again where Im waiting for a guy to be on the same page as me. I still have a few things to work through myself from my previous relationship so taking things slow right now is good. But at some point, I'm going to want more. I'm going to want a real relationship.
You are worth so much more, Stacy; be so proud of yourself for being able to see that, no matter how long it took. We all have that hope that waiting it out will somehow change things, until we find out the truth. Don't be afraid of falling for this new guy; you have complete control over this if you want it. Consider him a friend right now until his divorce is final - he's not available to you until it is. Keep your options open and don't put all your eggs in one basket. You're in the very early stages of getting to know him and you need to see through his consistent actions as well as what he's telling you to know if he's on the same page as you - and truly compatible with you. You absolutely deserve to have a real relationship with someone who is truly worthy of you! There's nothing to be afraid of with someone who authentically wants that, too. That's how you'll know!
Jane, thank you for your words of encouragement. I recently completed your 4 week course and it was a great refresher for me. I still go back through it to remind myself of things that are sometimes easy to forget. Thank you for all the amazing work you do. You are truly a blessing.
Thank you, Stacy. Your words mean so much to me. I'm so glad you're here, thrilled you took that step to take my program, and love that you're moving through this and making it your own like you are. I'm always here for you! 🙂
Hi Emma,
You got excited over an image you created in your head. The potential of something but all he's showing you is that there's another reality you haven't seen, the reality of him not being what you're looking for. If he honestly cared about you and wanted to be with you, he would be sharing things with you and he would be spending more time with you, not once a week hang outs.
You didn't do anything wrong. He's just not who you thought he was. That's all. I'd personally go about my business and my own life instead of beating myself up over someone's unresponsiveness. What he does or doesn't do isn't about you. It's just who he is. You need to start thinking about who you are and what you want and act according to that. You have a say, you're the only one who can make your life great.
I hope you get to see you have many other wonderful things to build and discover in life and you don't have time for someone who's got no time or love for you. Hugs.
So true, Angel. Thank you for this.
This is sounding a bit like "tough love". Here's the one thing you didn't look at:
After 5 months for seeing a person every weekend even if it's just once a week, it is possible to start liking that person and develop some kind of feelings towards him
5 months is a long time. So in a way of course it's going to feel like a rejection.
You might say "date other people and have a life" i just don't think it works that way. I personally date 1 guy at a time. Simultaneous dating goes against my morals. And even though you're having a "life" it doesn't mean you can't start liking a person. Again, 5 months is a long time.
Emma, take your time getting over this guy if you need. He might circle back saying something innocent like "hey how are you" then you have to decide if you let him back or tell him you're looking for someone who is more available.
Thank you, Elisia. How much it feels like rejection is never as dependent on a particular length of time as much as we give our hearts and our souls to a particular him - and to the dream of what we so want it to be. Treating ourselves lovingly and compassionately through the "going through" process is so important, no matter how long it takes to "move on".
Speaking from experience, if he "circles back", let it go. Generally it is because he is bored or thinking of what used to be; he will go back to his previous ways. Find someone who is proud to be with you, who doesn't make you question if you did something "wrong". And the texting! Been there done that! He would only text because then he didn't have to explain or discuss or get caught in a lie. Texting is great in moderation, but talking, really talking to someone, that is respect!
Hi Emma! I'm probably old enough to be your mum and I live in the UK. This lesson is to invest in yourself and never stop- which isn't selfishness- it's a kindness to you! The message is he wants space. Let him have it- as much as he needs.Stand aside- it's hard but being used at the drop of a hat will hurt & bruise you. Work on yourself so that you can be open to the arrival ofcaxeealky decent guy. Good luck
Emma, Norma is right. Give him what he's asking for and if it's meant to be, it will be. Pursuing him when he wants space will only push him further away. Use this time to focus on you!
Exactly, Norma. Thank you for these wise words for Emma. Love hearing from you from the UK!
I can fully identify with what you're going through because I'm going through the exact same thing but instead of weeks sometimes it was a month we were living an hour and a half from each other we have been together a little over a year I even bought a house to be closer to him. it seems that as soon as we start building a little momentum I'm getting closer, then he pushes me away like he's fearful of us growing closer. his mother died on the ninth of this month we buried her on the 12th, I have not heard from him since. today is the 28th The relationships books say to wait at least 30 to 31 days before you try recontacting him so that you don't come across as needy i'm wondering if he's even going to notice or care. when we are together it is wonderful but this waiting around like Jane says is crap! i've gone to a few meet up groups and met some nice people to spend some time with. and prayed about it quite a bit we both deserve better and I'm praying that they will either recognize this or we will find somebody that values us
Do what you need to do for you, Cheri! Waiting around for someone to come around or give you something - and at this point, it's usually anything, anything at all and never what you deserve! - is no way to live! You can't expect someone else to show up who values you until you take back your own power and value you. You're the one you're waiting for - to notice your value, to notice your worth, to feel your beautiful power again - you!