You're stumped.
You've tried everything.
You know who you are. You know what you want. You know what you don't.
You're going out to all the right places. You're doing all the right things.
You're following all my very best advice.
"What am I missing?!!" It's the one question I hear so often.
You can't figure it out, no matter how hard you try. But somewhere, underneath everything you can see and touch and feel, it's there.
What is it?
The Fantasy
It's your fantasy, beautiful!
You probably don't even realize it's there, but every time you check out someone new, every time you consider whether you might be interested in this new guy who's showing some interest in you, you carry your fantasy with you.
It influences everything!
It's the picture you hold in your mind of what it has to look like.
It's the idea you have in your heart of hearts of what love needs to feel like to really be love.
It's the image of the two of you together.
It's the embodiment of everything you've ever believed about love.
It's the script you were given so many years ago.
It's the essence of what everyone else ever told you about love and everything you've added to their stories to make it your own.
It Underlies Everything
This – yes, all of this! – is what lies underneath every single choice you make about the who, what, where, when, and how of your relationships.
And it's why you're having such a hard time finding what you're looking for. Because none of these are conscious, none of these are at the forefront of what you think is guiding you when you're looking for what you think and say you are.
But this is where it gets so real!
Because you're saying one thing, but you're doing another. Not because you mean to, but because this other part never gets any face time. It never comes out into the open where it can be challenged or identified for the fantasy that it is because too many of us don't even know it's there!
It's Why We Do What We Do
It's why we choose who we do, instead of the ones we don't. It's why we only see the ones we see in the first place, instead of the ones who could actually be the ones we're looking for.
It's why we miss the ones who we'll never know we missed, while we keep buying into the false belief that there's somehow got to be something wrong with us. There never is!
But as long as we keep attracting and being attracted to the ones who will never ever be capable of giving us what we're looking for, there might as well be, because the results are the same.
Wondering where he is.
Wondering what went so wrong.
Living in the past.
Regretting the one we let get away.
It's Not Luck
We'll say everyone else is lucky. We'll attribute it to all kinds of things that make us feel better but at the same time, only make us feel worse. Because there's something more deep down inside us that knows there's got to be more for us than this.
Isn't that why you come here? Because you know the truth.
This isn't about luck.
And that's when we step into the light. About what this is really about.
Not a fantasy of an old story with a script that was never meant for you that you continue to live.
Not some tragic love story of some epic love that was lost and never to be found again.
Not the more familiar story of proving our worth by how close we come to melting the cold, hardened heart of the ever attractive "bad boy".
But about real, authentic, imperfect human beings finding each other in the day to day moments of real lives that are lived in the only way worth living; in the reality of what actually is.
Look for the fantasy. When everything else has failed, find that long-buried fantasy underlying your thoughts, your passion, your dreams.
Does it serve you? Has it shown you something real? Or is it just more of the same, proving there's only one kind of man who exists for you, and fueling your story that you'll never, ever be loved?
That's one story you'll never convince me of. But this one isn't about me; it's about you recognizing it might be time to finally let this one go.
Hi Jane, you definitely nailed a lot of points. I was recently with my boyfriend of seven years and broke up with him because I felt like I needed my space I felt like he wasn't giving me enough love but he truly was. I just feel like nobody will ever be able to give me enough love it's like I'm not satisfied I may sound selfish but it's true. I've just been in three bad relationships and all three were abusive and they cheated they were long term two lasted for four years each and one for eleven years. I was with my bf for seven he's great no complaints other then I just feel I'm not loved enough. Is that normal? I have my guard up all the time I don't trust nor let ppl in and I do open up sometimes but then I regret it. I miss my bf it's been two or three months since we been together I recently received a letter from him stating he misses me and continues to love me. I'm finding myself feeling lonely and crying my tears out. I made up my mind that I wouldn't love again or even so much as try but I don't think it's possible. I'm not that type of women to date different guys or sleep around with no strings attached. Not me at all! I'm feeling lost helpless lonely and broken. Help please
I've spent 30 years in relationships with bad boys. It destroyed me to my core. I finally had the strength to leave the man I thought I was deeply in love with because I could no longer stand his verbal abuse and rages. It took 4 months after leaving and actually discovering him seeing someone else while he was begging me back to finally fully close the door. Then I met a nice guy. The kind I never gave the time of day before. I will say months of counseling must've helped. It still didn't feel right. Because he wasn't calling me every day and begging to see me. He wasn't showering me with flowers gifts and compliments like sociopaths I've dated do. It felt like I was wasting time that he really didn't like me. But my counselor told me to let it play out for a while. I am now 6 months into the best relationship of my life. Real love not codependency, not infatuation or lust. A man who's open, honest, and treats me like gold. I finally trust someone enough to let down my walls and enjoy life. WE he my fantasy man??? Not even close. But he sure is the most amazing man I've ever dated.
Love hearing your inspirational story, Michelle! Thank you so much for sharing. It won't feel right at first when all we've ever known is the exact opposite of everything that's true with real love. You're worth so much more than any kind of pseudo love!
Hi Jane
Well this is more or less a compliment And seeking for your advice...i have followed up your advice for a year now and it has helped me in ways more than I expected. Thank you for the advice you give and all.
I have a story of my own that has placed me in a state of a dilemma and hope you can help me make a decision best for me.
Here it is:
I have been seeing this guy for 9 months now and most of it has been great...he's your ideal nice guy. That's all I will say haha. But before I started dating him there was this guy that I had met about 2 years ago. This guy well real mature and we hit off like instantly. Only problem was we couldn't see each other intimately because he was only on holiday in my country and had to travel back to his in a weeks time so I didnt pursue it at all. We tried to keep in touch even though it was hard. Sometimes going months without talking or hearing from him and so was I not texting but each time we chatted again it was like old times ...Always easy with him. So this one time during our rare chats he confessed how he has had a major crush on me from the time he met me and would like me to be his girlfriend. This wasn't exactly a shock to me I kinda always knew how he felt only problem was the distance between. So as we kept talking we kind of fell into a relationship of some sort but like u know distance we found ourselves communicating less and less. going back to our old ways where we barely hard from each other. I told myself this was not going to work out so I sort of let him go. Kept in touch although on a friendly basis on my side. That's when a few months later I met this other guy ....n we liked each other instantly. I don't know wat it was at that moment but I thought I did really like him and he liked me too. We started dating and although we are completely different people I convinced myself he was good for me, he was safe to say the least. Things where alright until just recently when my other friend travelled back to visit again although this time he's around for much longer. He called to see me and I hesitated abit I thought it would be nice seeing him after a long time. So we met and fell immediately into our old talks and how much we missed each other. Well we are so alike and have lots in common so it was all easy and fun to be around him. At the end of the night after hanging he kissed me even though I had mentioned I was seeing someone now. And I kissed him back and liked it. This was our first real physical contact kiss it felt good. Right then my feelings for him came rushing back and we had a long talk about us the next day and I felt like hes more of the kind of man I need to be with considering his maturity and how much in common we have. Thing is with this guy it's alot easier. I don't have to be anything but myself with him we have alot of fun I tell u. But with the other guy I'm dating I feel I have to be less me at times because hes a bit conservative which could be because of the way he was raised. plus we almost have nothing in common. I don't know Jane it's all too confusing. I really hope you can advice me on what to do or who I should be with. All I can say is I like both of them although I feel like I'd be a lot happier with the other guy from another country. Please help. Hope to hear from you real soon
Love
Brenda.
Thank you for your kind words, Brenda. I'm so glad my advice is helping you! Look at what matters most to you. What are you looking for? Which one is more compatible with you? Is the guy from the past actually looking for something more than a long-distance relationship? Sometimes the only time someone comes back into your life is because they sense there's someone else and that makes you more attractive to them. Make sure he's on the same page as you before you consider giving up what you've got with this other guy for him. And then look at what you currently have with the one you're with. Is it because there's still this other guy from the past that you're questioning him and your compatibility with him? Would you still feel the same way if the other one wasn't in the picture again? Trust your gut instinct here, Brenda. In your heart of hearts, you know more than you think you do. There's always the little things we might now see unless we're open to seeing them, but when we look for them, they're there. And they'll tell you everything you need to know.
I guess my fantasy is being in a relationship. I'm pretty guilty of be addicted to the Romantic Comedy, waiting for one day my "When Harry Met Sally" friendship would change into something more. I've never met a Harry and I'm not a Sally.
I tend to fall for the men that are nice to everyone and flirt with everyone. I guess maybe the charmer. Maybe I've missinterped what I thought was interest, when all it was might have been just flirting. Maybe I acted too interest and scared or chased them away or they all weren't that into me. It's left me confused, drained, depressed and basically doubting that I am someone men are interested in dating-especially the ones I'm interestesd in. My doctor even said to me once, "You're the one that men marry, not the one they date." My question is "If they won't date me, how will I get married?" I know it was suppose to be taken as a compliment, but having my doctor say this to me when she doesn't know me very well was pretty disheartening!
I just don't want to even try, allow myslef to be interested or get excited about a guy, when the outcome is always the same!
I'm sorry. I know I've posted before, but would just like to know how to break the cycle I've been on for most of my life!
Your doctor and mine have been friends, Jamie. That's exactly what mine used to say to me. 🙂
Then don't try. Don't allow yourself to be interested or get excited about a guy. Not because the outcome will always be the same, but because it's not about finding them, it's about first finding you! What do you want Jamie? What does someone look like - not in the adjectives but in the real life living of their lives - who is compatible with you? Where does he go? What does he do? How does he spend his time? Get a feel for him. The real him, not the type or the idea or what someone else has told you he should be like, but the real him that you can actually picture yourself with living real life together. You can give up the search and still find him, because you're still finding you. Don't ever stop finding out what makes you happy, what makes you laugh, what makes you smile. Do those things! And if there aren't enough of those things to fill a life, make up some more to try. And then see who you meet along the way. Of try online dating where you get a pool of men, but if a pool only overwhelms you with every possible type of men that you've already met, then try out a site where they put some matchmaking into the mix. Don't give up, Jamie. I used to think I was just unlucky too! And my doctor was right after all! (It's just a different type of dating when you're with someone on the same page as you) 🙂
Ah yes, the charismatic guy who is a social butterfly and flirts with everybody but who's not really interested. I've been that girl who falls for that only to see he's not interested but doesn't refuse the idea of having me as a filler gal till "someone better" comes along.
You have no idea how many times I've been on that seat. Last year it got so painful and unbearable that I thought about giving up because there was so much wrong with me and I was so unlucky that this was just as good as it gets. But part of me doubted there was nothing I could do, so looking for answers is how I found Jane and many other people that help with these topics.
What I did this time, Jamie was look at myself instead of them. See myself as objectively as I could and I saw things I had no idea about. I thought I was ugly, unworthy, unimportant. Not good enough. And these beliefs got me to hold on to any guy who showed some interest. But it had to be the cool guy because if I could get him to be with me, all my issues were solved. Except they wouldn't be. Each of those men triggered anxiety in me that I mistook for butterflies and the "spark". It took looking at my choices, how I abandoned myself, how I starve myself emotionally so I held onto crumbs. It was hard to see, and even harder to believe that I've been scared of being fully seen. I believed if someone really saw me, they would see how much wrong there is in me.
Do you know what I know now? That even though all this feels real, it's not. It's just my childhood wounds, my teenage self going through less than ideal situations, that wounded girl running the show. Picking these guys on a subconscious level felt safe. It was easier to blame it on them.
How do you break the pattern? Discovering yourself, seeing your moves and why you make them, seeing the pattern and taking responsibility for your experiences. Going through fear, crying all you have to and being so aware that you can now make different choices in men. Slowly but surely, this is how you break the pattern.
Remember what I told you earlier about letting the guy chase? That comes later, when you make it your mission to only see men who are available to you and who make an effort. It works. It's not about waiting for that to happen either, it's about you redefining yourself and living a different kind of life.
I wish you lots of love, clarity and success on your path of discovering what it is that's holding you back. Only you can know what it is. Hugs
Hi Angel, your reply is very powerful and eye opening. I'm going to think long and hard about applying this message to myself. My only concern with this approach is that I can't just make myself interested in guys that are available to me unless I am attracted to them.
I might be missing your point although I think I have most of it and will try thinking like the way you describe it. You sure have mAde great strides in your journey.
Thankyou for taking the time to share it and help us,
You're welcome, Luci.
I'm grateful for being able to share my experience and thus being hopefully helpful to someone else.
You absolutely need to be attracted to the guy. There's no question about that. What I'm suggesting is being aware of what it is we're being attracted to and why. Once you know, you can decide if this is the guy that fits in your life well or not based on who you truly are and what you discover. However, if we're attracted to a type that hurts us, it will take some time for us to change that pattern. The idea is to discover ourselves and find a new template of a guy that can be a much better match to us and giving men who are interested in us and who possess most of those qualities we know match better with who we truly are.
We cannot force anything, but we can choose to try something else.
It's not that I choose purposely, I am attracted to different looks but have a certain personality. I really can't force or push myself to go for the ones that are attracted to me if I'm not attracted to them, whether it be physical, emotional or otherwise.
It is true though that every guy that I have tried to connect with is looking for more. I can never be the outgoing, confident, tall, attractive girl they want. So in essence I have to settle for my equal...which is quiet, not that confident, older, short and plain. It is what it is. I am not saying I go for looks, because it's more of a personality that I am attracted to and there does have to be some physical attraction. There is nothing wrong with the guys I choose. I am just not there type. I believe they do go on to be in healthy, committed relationships. Every guy on dating sites that I try to connect with, does not usually even respond. So, I can't do anything about that.
I am kind of agreeing with you here Luci. I never go for the "bad boy" the "the guy that needs rescuing" or insert any guy that might have a commitment problem. Or purely for looks. Just some kind of attraction needs to be there.
The thing is, somehow they turn out to be this way after awhile, when things get real.
But I can't tell right away when I meet them. So I give them a chance, then I get sad and disappointed that it turned out to be another let down. If I look back I am happy that non of these worked out but I just can't stop feeling that it is just plain luck that some women have found their partners they can share their life with.
I am also kind of like you in a way. Quiet at times, not overly outgoing, not really confident (even though I know I have good things to offer). My personality is like this, I just need acceptance, without having to change into "wonder woman"
I can see myself in both of your comments and descriptions and I assure you both, there's more to your patterns.
I can't tell each one what that is because only you know what it is. But I would encourage you both to go beyond these ideas and stories. Watch the pattern closely and discover your own selves in your moves. Good luck.
Thank you Angel and ColdRain for your comments. I am trying to keep an open mind. The opportunities are few. I am working on myself from the course with Jane so I'm still hopeful for the future.
I will keep in mind to watch for a pattern I may be following. Good point.
I guess it's never too late to get your best version achieved and out there!
Good luck
Thanks Angel, I see your point. I'll give a chance to almost anyone where there is mutual interest. I'm currently dating someone for less than 6 months, but I definitely see a lot of " i " statements, coming from him such as "I' want to go/travel here, and "I" want to buy a place, etc. "I" want live one day here.." vs "we" . This makes me feel uncertain, but I guess I can't really expect a guy to know if he wants to spend the future with me after a few months.
I hate bringing future stuff up. For now, I'm just gonna live in the "moment" and I don't know... hope for the best
Oh don't take that "let down" personally, ColdRain! This is how we do ourselves in! It's a gift, even if you can't see it; the only "let down" is that you forget to take it slow enough without investing too much of yourself so that he could prove himself worthy - and that especially means on the same page - as you! Don't forget that part. You will never have to change into "wonder woman" for someone who's truly compatible with you - with the real you. But if you believe you have to be something other than yourself - or anything other than yourself - you'll find yourself subconsciously confirming that every single time.
What you've found out "when things get real", is that this person isn't looking for anything real. That's when you run as fast as you can in the other direction instead of getting all sad and disappointed. Say "Whew! So glad I found out about that one before we went any further!" And then head off to take a closer look at what you really want - and what you now know for sure you don't. Don't make anyone luckier than you; they simply know more clearly exactly what they want - and what they don't!
So look at that part Luci - why is it that "every guy that I have tried to connect with is looking for more"? You're never meant to be the "outgoing, confident, tall, attractive girl they want." You're meant to be you! Do a little digging around your words that you "have to settle for my equal". Whose expectations are you putting on yourself? Don't look at theirs, look at your own. Why are you so sure there can't be anything wrong with the guys you choose, but that there's something somehow wrong with you? No, you can't do anything about making a specific guy on the dating sites connect with you, but you can do everything about looking at why they're the ones you're most attracted to. We always choose purposely, even if we don't think we do; actually, especially if we don't think we do! You're onto something here, Luci. Even if it's not clear to you right now. Don't stop questioning your own story - and why this is the way it has to be! It doesn't!
I'm totally holding on to a fantasy with hopes of it actually happening. But it's getting less and less likely. In fact just today my BF and I got into a fight about how I feel like he doesn't want what I want. I told him I want a life w/ him, a future, to see eachother more than once or twice a week. Then he says, 'why would I want to live w/ someone when all u do is bitch as me?' I told him I only bitch cuz im not used to having a relationship like this, where u don't live together & nothing is progressing. I told him I feel like he wants it to stay like this. He says I'm wrong but won't ever give examples or reasons to prove that im wrong. Then he will try to change the subject. All I want and I've told him is, to have a life & future with him. The communication between us isn't good at all. But the one thing he says the most that makes me think that maybe I am messing this up is, he says, 'if it's not you're way, if it's not perfect, then it's wrong. But then I realize, no, it's what I want & that's ok. If he can give me what I want then that's cool. If not, I'll find some one who can. See, I know all this but still can't let go. It's not what I want to do, I just want to move forward-with him. But what everyone including myself wants to knw is, why? I don't know...
We always find the ones we do for a reason, Danielle. Maybe you want someone to fix, to change into what you want them to be, or to prove to yourself or someone else that you know best. In the end, it doesn't matter what we know, as much as what we do. We can hang on for as long as it works for us, but at the end of the day ask yourself if you want to live like this. If not, then do something different. Whether it's with him or without him.
Hi Jane
Thank you so much for the insight regarding our dreams of a perfect partner. I really need to let go and move on. I have been holding on for far to long. It is not easy but I really need to work very hard on letting go and finding the right person for me out there. So many times we see the right person but still prefer the person that makes us miserable most of the time. I am really going to be strong and stop phoning a person that clearly shows me that he really does not have my time or if he does he treats me like a nuisance. I keep saying Cordelia you need to move on from this negative force in my life and I am going to work very hard to do just that.
So glad this resonated with you, Cordelia. You deserve so much more than this; we all do.
Hi Jane,
I clearly know that what you have just talked on Fantasy is the whole truth,because I kind of am in the same situation of fantasy and its not really fun.
That's how you know, Molly. When something doesn't feel right - and it's not really fun - there's a reason. And recognizing that is always the first step to changing it!