I was just five years old when I had my first hard lesson in rejection.
I was about to lose my first tooth and I was so excited to share this experience with my best friend Sarah, so I called her house to tell her.
She was excited too.
Then a few minutes later, as it became even more loose and felt like it might fall out, I called her again to tell her about this very important (at least to two five year olds) update. She once again shared in my excitement.
Then, a few minutes later, it fell out. And so I called her again to tell her this big news.
But this time when her mother answered she was not nearly as excited as her daughter and I were. In fact, before I could get a word in, she told me to stop calling. To say that I was devastated is putting it mildly. My little 5 year old world was absolutely shattered beyond recognition.
Why do I remember this story like it was yesterday?
Why do I now, as I recount the story, still feel like that little 5 year old girl standing on a chair to reach the wall-mounted phone, so excited to share her life event with her best friend, only to be utterly devastated by such an unexpected response?
Because it was the first time I internalized the belief that there was something wrong with being excited about something that was important to me and wanting to share it with someone else. It was one of my first experiences (and certainly not my last) of feeling ashamed of being myself.
For another child, a different child, with a different personality, it might have meant nothing, and certainly not anything that warranted such feelings of shame. But this is my point. Just like I wasn't just anyone else – I was me - so it is with you. You're not anyone else - you're YOU.
And Sarah's mother was being herself, too.
She was just being the direct, to-the-point kind of mother who I can only guess (with the help of hindsight and my current adult outlook on the situation) was most likely annoyed with her phone ringing three times in a row when she was probably right in the middle of something she didn't want to be interrupted from. She was probably juggling several things at once (like all of us mothers often are), possibly struggling to get dinner on the table, and didn't think about how her curt words would affect a small child.
I now realize that she, too, was only being herself.
We go about our lives calling other people "strong" for how they seem to be unaffected by what others say and do. We call ourselves weak, because we can't help but feel what we do.
But is it really about strength or weakness? Or are we really the strong ones because of what we are capable of feeling, because of what we are capable of giving, of taking a chance on, of putting our hearts on the line for, because of how strongly we believe in love?
How often do we question ourselves, second-guess our actions simply because we didn't get the response from someone else that we were hoping for? But what if we could take back our own power because we could own it, because we could accept what we do and what we say as part of us that make us unique, not something to beat ourselves up for?
No, it's not easy for me either.
But what I'm learning, albeit slowly, is that I can be different and still be OK. I can let everyone else around me be who they are, and not suffer because of what they choose to do - or not do. Because they're different, too. And because there is no "right" way or "wrong" way to be.
We're all different, and that's actually a good thing. We're not meant to be the same!
There's a way to see this, beyond accepting yourself, that includes a level of awareness that acknowledges that important place where you end and someone else begins. It's called a boundary, and it's how we allow for differences between every unique one of us, without taking these differences all so personally. Boundaries can feel so foreign to so many of us who never saw them modeled for us in a healthy way, but we absolutely need them to be a part of our lives if we are to thrive at being our true selves!
Go ahead and take yourself out of your situation for a moment and see what the facts are that you know. You don't really know if this person is what you imagine them to be from the brief glimpse you've had of them. You haven't had a chance to really get to know them yet to see if they're worth the investment of you.
You're going on a feeling, a feeling that's all yours, and you can't know yet if this is someone who's going to be capable of being who you're already deciding in your mind they are.
Give it some time. Allow yourself the time to see the reality of the situation. Before you allow what you might perceive as a rejection wreck your confidence and self-esteem.
After you've had enough time to gather all your facts together, then you can decide what you think. But until then, take a step back and see who this person is. Don't jump ahead, don't go there. Because one of the biggest reasons we take so long finding what we're looking for is because we're looking for something that isn't real.
That's when we can all too easily miss out on what is real.
Someone who wants a real relationship in the first place, and not just some pseudo one based on a "spark" and all the benefits of playing house. Someone who can talk about what's real without needing to run in the other direction as soon as it's out. Someone who knows what he wants and doesn't need to hide behind a facade of aloofness. Someone who gets excited about the things that matter to you, even if he doesn't understand them.
Someone who knows he's ready for you.
That the kind of real I'm talking about.
What about you? Are you letting someone's acceptance or rejection of you affect your confidence and your self-esteem? You're not alone! Share your thoughts with us in the comments!
He was going to ask me to marry him with a ring. Then ran scared told me to trust him.
now he is pursuing older women.
So eye opening and I still don't get it.
Is this even about me? Because I don't see how someone changes their mind so fast.
I want the best. Truly I don't understand. My looks aren't the problem.
How would a man throw it all away?
I want a man who doesn't and fights for me.
so surprised. When maybe I should of really let go earlier. He asked me to trust him so I did. Now i see it was a line. Goodness
No, it's not even about you, Sandy. Don't take that on yourself. People do what works for them even if it doesn't make any sense to us. We're not them. And he's not you. And now you know more. Trust is a beautiful thing, but I've learned that a man who asks you to trust him is someone who I would always be wary of. You're so not alone!
Dear Jane,
First of all, Thankyou!! so much for your relationship advice/help.. I really agree with everything you say.
I have been in love with a neighbour of mine, who is now 69 years old. ( for about 6 years who knew my parents).. I fell in love at first sight. Then I asked him out while he was in the process of asking me out. all at the same time! He rejected me to the point of tears on an email saying it was wrong of me to have asked him out as there is such a big age difference, and it would be like paedophilia. I felt so hurt and rejected that I would not talk to him every time I saw him out walking his dogs one night. It gets better. He said to me that day he asked me out and I asked him out, "Oh and you know that house down the street?" "Yes. I said", "Well I bought that house for her (The lady living in that house". His male friend there that day said to him also, "OH don't go out with her...shes cheap!"...Jane I never felt so humiliated and rejected by a group of people than with this lot.. There is still more. This guy I fell in love with now is sleeping with the lady in the house he bought her, whilst hes been going out on dates with me recently!!! How yuk!!!! So, I blasted him in an email the other day about his behaviour. He called me a Mongoose, and to be more human like about the situation.
Jane, Im telling you this guy I fell for is now on MY rejection list and his behaviour is not excused. By the way, this lady has attacked me verbally in the street because she wants him for sex. You know what?? Ive decided they can have each other, so my poor broken heart can mend. I now go online dating with Oasis Active and have found many guys my age who would ,like to go on dates. So, onwards and upwards is what I say to men behaving badly. He'll realise how much I love him still but this time will not be a victim of abuse on his or her part. Keep sending me your emails as they help me overcome the crap. Cheers, with love and sincereness, Poppy 🙂
Thank you for your kind words, Poppy; you deserve so much more than this! I'm so glad you're seeing this for yourself. Go where you're loved, not where you're involved in something so complicated as this. Give him back what's his and take only what's yours. There is so much more to life than living entrenched in a relationship like this!
You know, Jane...we give other people such power to exert influence on us or we give their opinion so much credibility when it so often does not deserve it. They are people who somehow have been given special status which makes their opinion, approval or influence much more powerful over us then it deserves.
Through time, whether it is because of the passage of time or the things we do, like meeting new people, doing new things or getting back to the things that were once important parts of our lives in the past, that power ebbs and dissolves away. A new perspective makes looking back a bit more realistic.
Sometimes I slip up and get nostalgic, wonder why what I tried was not good enough and how I could ever risk making someone special again. But I try to remember that stuff is secondary. I just want to put this behind me and never forget that it always takes two. Thank you for that.
Exactly, Wayne. Your thoughts on this one resonate so much with this process of seeing things in that true light of reality, instead of the one where we tell ourselves it's the same story we've always bought into that doesn't fit anymore with the new, happier, less likely to be affected so much by the actions of someone else, version of you.
Hi Jane. Your article is right on the money. This quote from your article keeps playing over and over in my head. "Someone who can talk about what's real without needing to run in the other direction as soon as it's out. Someone who knows what he wants and doesn't need to hide behind a facade of aloofness. Someone who gets excited about the things that matter to you, even if he doesn't understand them." I have not met anyone as of late - and that's okay. You have helped me through so very rough times. At least, I'm passed that and living life. I feel more opened to meeting someone then I have in the past. A different kind of feeling though. I'm more aware. Thanks to you. and your WONDERFUL VIDEOES, also. I take one day at time - if the a man walks into my life, I have more tools now then I ever did. I will keep on coming back here, because you help so very much and others who post their feelings. I'm human and it takes alot to let yourself open up to someone with fear in the background, but I want to toss that FEAR word out of my vocabulary - Just want to be myself and be AWARE. Thank you.
So glad this is all resonating with you, Denise. It's why I'm here! One day at a time, one moment at a time through the tough ones, - absolutely. As you say, with so many more tools to keep you from going there, you are finding your own power. So glad you keep coming back here because it's here that you're never alone, that you'll always find that shoulder to cry on, that you'll always be understood. I love these updates from you - they're beautiful to see from here! 🙂
I feel in love with a guy as we became closer he did the usual withdrawal. He promised me the world but never delivered. I felt rejection I thought it was me but, I realize now it was about him and what he was comfortable delivering as a man, and were he's at in his life at this point. It had nothing to do with me after months of crying and believing lying . I can now say I'm all good with me and the fact he didn't want me, because I want me and I love me to. Love you jane
"because I want me and I love me too" - beautifully said, Vange. When you look at it like this, you see that it absolutely had nothing to do with you!
Hi Jane, I've been doing your program and have been learning a lot. Thank you so much for all the effort you have put in to it. I have a question regarding modeling boundaries. I am always unclear how to deal with sex and dating. If I make a guy wait until I get a committment from him, it seems that day never arrives and the guy gets bored waiting. If I have sex too early, then the guy seems to change from dating mode to just wanting sex mode. I guess maybe it means the chase is over for him, so he loses real interest, but only wants to pursue the sex part. Should I actually say to a guy, I really don't want to have sex until we are in a relationship, or should I allow things to happen naturally and then just keep pursuing my other interests and see how it pans out? This has been the number one hurdle for me. Thanks so much.
So glad you're enjoying my program, Lisa - and I so hear what you're saying here! What you're seeing in the behaviors of these guys only confirms for you that they're not the ones for you. Someone who is on the same page as you isn't going to make whether you have sex too early or not early enough as a deal-breaker, so this is actually how you're finding out more about where someone stands.
I would definitely let a guy know that you value sex enough to want to wait until you're in a committed relationship. If he's interested in more than just that, he'll understand that completely and will respect you more for staying true to your own values. If he's not, then you'll know that as well. Remember the beautiful, confident woman you know you are and that you're the one doing the choosing and this will become easier for you - in this area of intimacy as well as setting boundaries in general. I so understand you because boundaries were what I struggled the most with, too!
Thank you, I really appreciate the response. I may have been asking a little preemptively, as I haven't finished the program yet. It is good to know, though, that I don't have to walk on egg shells all the time, and that my decisions one way or the other probably didn't change the outcome anyway. Thank you again! 🙂
Exactly what I wanted to convey, Lisa! 🙂
Yes, Jane. Everything you're saying in your articles makes so much sense to me! I'm 46 years old and starting over! As Reba says "I'm a new fool at an of game!" I've been dating a guy long distance for over a year now! He was all excited about the relationship at first! Then he began to get cold feet. Not calling me and texting me as much. Basically not putting much effort into the relationship but just enough to keep me hooked. He says he loves me but "we both want different things" right now. I feel very rejected by him! Ive given him all my heart! I feel like I don't know what I'm doing wrong! My ex husband had an affair. I really don't need more heart break right now.
So glad this is making such sense to you, Ann. Keep giving him back what's his. Don't take it on yourself. Don't focus on the part that says he loves you, focus on the part that says "we both want different things". We can hold on forever to the words "I love you", and miss the reality check that not being on the same page provides. You deserve both, Ann. A real kind of love, AND someone who wants the same thing you do. It's out there. Don't take on what these men you've had these experiences with couldn't give you - you deserve so much more and there is someone else who will show you a whole different kind of love - the real kind. Don't give up when you're this close!
What a great article! My childhood memories really hit me when I had turned 30. Through out my 20s I was restless and anxious but when I turned 30 I started wondering where the feeling is coming from. I started reading books of self discovery and going back the memory lane to learn or realize something new of the situations.
It led me getting to know who Annie really was and I was surprised of results. My childhood memories had made me to believe I had a lot to improve in myself but once I looked at myself and studied my personality I realized I was just another young woman who was capable of love and friendships and who had excellent qualities like being social, helpful, open and getting excited of things. Through out my childhood and teenager years those qualities were the ones I got embarrassed about. I tented to be too open and say too much to people who just didn't care. So I ended up getting embarrassed of myself and seeking for people's acceptance. In my teenager years I started thinking I was a weirdo and would sink more into my thoughts behind that energetic, chatty personality.
Then once I started dating, I got rejected many times and I always felt absolutely awful. I thought it was me and I would hide my bad self esteem and secretly blamed myself behind my extrovert personality. I never understood it was because of the experiences I had in the past.
Now things are different. Although I'm still learning to love myself even more I actually embrace these qualities in myself and I accept who I am. I no longer think I need to hide my dark side and frankly I don't have it much anymore. I also understand that I shouldn't be blaming myself for the rejections. They happened because I needed to learn, learn that I am too hard on myself and there is nothing wrong with me.
So now when it comes to men I also need to be looking for the same positive qualities I embrace in myself. Thanks to your article and the comments I have received and read I realize I no longer need to look for men who has a dark side just because those experiences made me think I'm different from others and I would have something in common with these men. Those experiences made me feel embarrassed and led me to hide behind my shell but I was a normal girl.
So I think I should look for the positive qualities in a man and need to follow your advise in the future; to take it easy and slowly and see him in different situations and take time to get to know him.
When it comes to that girl feeling like a weirdo I am not her anymore. I am different and at the end of the day we all have our dark side. We just need to accept it.
So finally I think I was rejected and have experienced failed relationships because I looked for someone accepting that lonely teenager. I kind of had a sign on my forehead "world healer" and attracted the guys who were incomplete reflecting the old me hiding behind and trying to help in order to get acceptance from others in this case from them
Thank you again Jane! I have just learned a great lesson.
-Annie
I feel so identified with you Annie. Went through kind of the same in adolescencr and that kind of shape the image I had of myself. I always felt ashamed to speak outloud or to speak my mind in case I was rejected.
I think it is everything about what Jane says... People are different, thy might like or not what you have to say or do for different reasons, but we should not take it personal.
We should show the world our true selves and be proud of that! But i also understand we nee to work on our self esteem first no?
So glad you're seeing this, Annie; especially that you're seeing - and embracing - the real you! This is the place so many of us find ourselves too, looking for that acceptance from the ones who are looking for their own acceptance - and aren't capable of giving it to us in the first place. Oh that world healer aspect of this - so many of us relate to this part of your beautiful, loving, caring, giving soul.
You're so much more than that lonely teenager or awkward child that so many of us come from; it's the ones who misunderstood us who were never capable of the role we gave them of giving us that acceptance we thought we needed, that we need to also set free. Let these men have their dark side, Annie, and allow yourself to be every side of you. When we accept we are all as different as we are, this same acceptance makes everything less personal and allows you to be loved by and for all that you are!
I totally understand this at a gut level and agree.
But..we are talking about Americans in a severely degraded, hyper competitive, toxic shame based, follow the money culture.
And you always have the right to see what you want to see, Andy, but on the other hand, if you're open to it, there's another side of this life that promises to show you something different. That may be a large part of our culture, but it's not all of it. Don't let what has hurt you in the past keep you from seeing what can still be possible if you're willing to let go of what was never yours to take on in the first place, and allow yourself to take a chance on you.
Hi Jane
perfect timing on this one.
I'm confused about my current situation.
What you say in this article can ring true dor all of our relationships.
My first example is one with my sister. It started with a gut instinct that She was upset with me for some reason unknown to me. I'm not gonna bore you with what led to this but since she's been my sister my whole life (46 years ) I feel that a gut instinct is enough. I also trust my gut. Anyway this starts on or about January 3 and was confirmed this past weekend when she completely ignored my hello at her home. Anyway what I'm trying to say is, I'm not letting that affect me like it used to. I feel I need to let a couple things happen and a bit of time pas before I address it in a loving way because Leading with love helps for a better outcome.
Now in my love life its a different story.
A bit of background because I've only known him going on 3 months but in my gut I feel we have become close. But I'm not seeing him as much as I'd like but hes honest and I hear what he is saying. I know there isn't anyone else but there is however his health issues. That being said, I have accepted him withhis health iss and he has accepted me with my family court issues. Are they still excuses or is health reasons something else? I feel him interested in my life but his health prevents us from seeing each other. I am thinking we are in transition becauseof both of our home ssituations and I am willing to put that aside and wait this out but continue to communicate.
I might need some direction.
Thanks
Jennifer
So true, Jennifer. I can completely relate to what you're saying here about how this view can be so powerful in all our relationships, not just our romantic ones. In fact, recognizing where and how this shows up in our lives, can be life-changing in so many ways. It's a beautiful thing to lead with love. 🙂
Health issues can be whatever someone wants them to be. They can be the real thing. They can be a crutch to hide behind. They can be an excuse to hold onto. We're only as tied down as we want to be. We're only victims of our circumstances as much as we want to be. Love is always capable of finding a way if both people involved want it to.
The fact that you're asking this in the first place is what I'm going with here. It sounds like you're questioning him because you sense there's more to this. My thoughts are to go with that. Don't put all your eggs in one basket because there's so many other baskets that won't have excuses or reasons that give you reason to wonder. If you're going to wait it out, keep living. He's not the only one.
Hi Jane!
I have been reading your blog since I broke up with my now ex LDR boyfriend 1 1/2 ago and you have helped me soo soo much.
We had been 6 years like on and off all the time. He broke with me anf my heart 2 years ago but we kept in touch. Some months ago we took a trip together and the flame was very much there. He said he had beeb trying to replace me all this time without suceeding. So, W got back together and he swore on his life he would never hurt again. He still had problems seeing how we could make the big move ( we live in opposite parts of the globe) but he didnt want to lose me.
A month after we came back from holiday he went hot and cold and ended up breaking again. He says he cant ser us working long time anf he lacks the faith in us to make the big steps. He says he is not worthy of my love.
I am still devastated. And I feel the not worthy one. I cant believe he would reject me again! After he had sworn not to. I blame myself everyday for missing the part in which I acted wrong with him. Not listen enough? Pressured to much? I only wanted to plan our next move and meeting and ... I dunno. The rejection thing is very deep in me, from childhood like you I guess. I just cant take that this man I love soo much and in whose eyes and words I have seen so.much love is rejecting me yet again and breaking my heart yet again.
Keep on with this excellent blog.it is so.inspiratonal!!!
Best,
D
I'm so glad you're here, D. And thank you for you kind words; I love to hear how this is resonating with you! I hope you're seeing you're not alone, because you're not. And you're not to blame. It's what we do so well. Of course you wanted to plan your next move, your next meeting.
And of course you blame for yourself for what you didn't say or didn't do - for what you see as "acting wrong with him". It's the one thing we know so well how to do. He's not there. He tried. He knows what you're capable of - and he knows what he's not.
That's why he feels the need to tell you he's not worthy of your love. Trust him on this one. He's not. Not where he is. It's so not you. Don't take this on. You are more than worthy! Don't buy into that self-talk that tells you you're not - it's not true. You deserve someone who can love you back as much as you have it in your heart to love him.
Six years is a long time to live like this, D. Shake all the blame off of you and see what you're left with. What do you want for you?
Dear Jane,
Thank you so much for your nice words and wise advice. It is hard to see truth and reason through pain of rejection and lack of love. At this moment I just feel used and left but I hope time will give my mind some peace.
Hugs for you, kind Jane.
D
You're so welcome, D. Keep telling yourself what you know to be true, and eventually this will all become easier to see for yourself. Changes like this rarely happen overnight, it's baby steps - one step at a time. And you'll get there!
True, dat! Know your truth. And remind yourself of it again and again, D. You are not alone and it isn't your fault.
With all my faults, I am a caring person. Been almost a year for me and I'm still not quite myself. But what has been so troubling for me has been losing its effectiveness. What seemed so important can seem so different over time. It is not that you someday wake up and understand, but over time, it just seems less and less important. And you learn to go easier on yourself and allow yourself to be kind to yourself.
It is more then just about us as individuals. It is also about how we treat others. If we are ever going to be able to improve and move on, how we treat others is an important part of it. Whether or not we care deeply for them. Whether they care for us.
Or not.
just right on ,precise and clear
As for Jen comments , she is dealing with a narcissist ex,
At the end , she will be happiest ...keep your dignity
Rose
Thank you, Rose. So glad this resonated with you. So true ... it's that end that's so hard to see when we're in the "going through".
I needed your article today. Thank you. My (very recent) ex husband discarded me so quickly it still hurts and I can't find my way thru the rejection. We were married twenty years. I can honestly say that I have been nothing but nice and kind during this process and he has thrown some awful things my way. I dealt with each one as an adult. I don't understand why he has to be so mean. I'm not mean to him. He's dating, says he has never been happier but each time I need to talk with him regarding our daughter (which isn't often) about something he has to slide in hateful mean things and it crushes me every time. I try not to take them to heart, but I do every time. I allow myself to believe I am this person he tells me I am (which isn't a nice person at all) even though I know in my heart and try so hard to remember that I am a good person. Its just so frustrating to give and give and give and have him still say these things.
You're so welcome, Jen. I hear you, how hard this is to hear from him, how hard it is to be talked to like this - and how difficult not to take what he says as truth and put it on yourself. Take that step back for just a minute. He has his own demons he's fighting, he has his own hurts and view of your life together that have nothing to do with you but everything to do with him. Don't make any of his comments, his thoughts about you. Leave them with him.
I know that's so hard! But you can do that because the person you know you are isn't who he says you are. Stop all the giving - to him. Give to you. Give to that beautiful heart of yours that got lost along the way in all the giving that you thought you were supposed to do - even when you were the only one there.
Take off all this heavy baggage of his that you've allowed to be put on yourself and give it back to him without saying a word. Then let yourself cry and feel and let every emotion that you need to feel be felt - and loved - by you. We were never taught how to do this. We were never shown when to stop. And when to begin again with you. You can do this - for you.
Hi Jane,
thank you this is just what I needed. I will email you privately to explain. But you have expressed my thoughts. Its all about the ego
So glad this resonated with you, MB. It's when we're in the midst of this that it can be the hardest to see.
On 2 Dec 14 a guy I met on 21 Nov 14 he posted on FB that he was anxious n I felt ready for a new BF, at 1st I thought of saying nope coz he was too young n would've waited 6 months n see if i like him or not as friends. I had to say Yes coz I felt like I needed it n his family want him to find a lady.
B4 making my decision I check with my mum 1st to see if she's ok with it, coz 1 time when I had ex she broke me n him up years ago n I liked him. I say to my mum " would u let me go out with (his name)" n she said yes it's ok to go out with him
In the past month this guy has been cancelling outings on the day which I don't like n he's not very organised compared to me who's well organised, he cancelled 9 times n I've seen him 14 times n he's very lazy n has to work as a waiter at night. I want him to be organised, he changes outings coz of appts n family time n he tries to balance it out. When he cancels I don't get a backup plan & my mum doesn't like it. I feel he's not interested or keen in my mind but my heart says he's interested n keen on talking to me everyday. We won't talk to me if he's had a bad day.
I really like him n I'm keen n interested n we both want the same future. It will be 2 months from 2 feb 15 n he's very clean. I plan to say at 6 months do u still like me n whether I still like him coz 6 months has been the longest I've been in a R-ship
And whether you still like him - exactly, Courtney. Keep the focus on you! Regardless of what he thinks, it matters what you think about him and whether all this that you're finding out about him is working for you!