I've recently taken up ice skating again.
You may remember this post where I mention my aspirations to become a professional figure skater as a young girl. I rediscovered my love of ice skating in my late twenties during my own personal quest to find my passions and create the life I always wanted – and rediscovered the little girl with such big dreams in the process.
As happens with life sometimes, the ice skates went into a box and got put in the back of the closet along with a lot of other things while more pressing priorities (like raising small children) took over the forefront of my life.
But now, I'm happy to say, they're once again seeing not only the light of day, but the beautiful cold smoothness of the ice once again. This time around I'm skating with my kids, and it's an amazingly enjoyable activity for me to do with them.
Whenever the music's playing over the sound system, the disco lights are flashing and I'm gliding over the freshly cleaned ice, I get that feeling like the world's my oyster once again.
Like anything is possible.
And that feeling is the exact reason why I’m always encouraging you to find a form of creative expression that speaks to you. Something you love and can feel passionate about. When you discover this for yourself, you’ll know exactly why!
But that's not what this post is about.
This post is about why we don't always know what it is that we love doing, because we were never allowed to grow our confidence in the first place.
Recently, on one of my ice skating outings with the kids, I noticed something that provided the inspiration for this post. It's what happens almost every time a child who is clearly new to the adventure of skating on ice approaches the rink.
One of their parents takes them out onto the ice and tries to show them how to move their skates and their bodies so that they can essentially learn to skate.
They hold the child's hands either in front, with the parent skating backwards, or beside them, attempting to teach them various techniques. These well-meaning parents, who are usually good skaters themselves, try to impart onto their child the "how to" of how this skating thing is done.
Of course, the child falls again and again, never staying up for too long, all the while being told by their parent what they're doing wrong. I can see that, to these children, learning this new and alien form of movement must seem like such a stretch.
“But how do I skate?” I can almost hear them thinking.
But then there's a small percentage of little boys and girls (and parents) that do it a little differently.
They go right out on the ice on their own, holding onto these plastic contraptions known as Little Helpers (they look like a child sized plastic "walker" with runners on the bottom). Unlike the other group of children, these kids skate around by themselves with the support of these wonderful Little Helpers pretty much without any trouble at all.
They don't worry about technique or form; they just push off with their skates, holding onto their Little Helper, and glide around the rink with huge smiles on their faces. They're simply some of the happiest kids out there going around and around, quickly able to keep up with most of the other skaters who already know how to skate.
I really can't understand why any parent wouldn't want their child to use a Little Helper when there are plenty available.
My guess is that it goes back to our programming. We don't want to believe that our child needs something that seems like such a "crutch". Or maybe they believe that the child will pick up "bad habits" or incorrect form if they're allowed to use the Little Helpers.
Whatever the reason, the results are clear. You have a small group of children having a blast, flying around the rink with smiles on their faces, building up their confidence, and you have a much larger group of children that are unhappy, scared, and feeling like failures, probably not wanting to go skating ever again.
I realize that this happens to nearly all of us in our lives, even as adults. It's the "sink or swim" mentality.
Unfortunately most of us sink. We sink into a feeling of failure, of "I'll never be able to get this", of "I'm just not good enough".
And it follows us for life.
On the other hand is the group that was allowed to just play, have fun, and experience the joy the activity brings without worrying about being perfect or doing it the "right" way. They're the ones who have started building their confidence. And their joy. And a zest for life.
They've been given something to be confident and joyful about first, knowing that technique can always be worked on later. It's how any of us get from here to there.
We can't work on technique if we can't first get the feel for what we're doing.
It's how our confidence grows.
We have to find that confidence in ourselves by doing something different, by taking a chance on ourselves for a change, instead of worrying so much about what we look like or what we lack. We need to be given the chance to feel what it feels like to live, to embrace all the opportunities we have.
It's the best way to truly build confidence.
Doing, not sitting on the sidelines watching others or reading about how to do it. Getting out there, not just sitting at home planning all the things we're going to do when we have this or that just right, when the impossible conditions we've set for ourselves to finally begin our lives are met.
Not somewhere outside of ourselves, but right here where we are. Right here where you are.
You know the fastest way to build confidence?
Acceptance of who you are. Acceptance of what you're not. Acceptance of the reality of what is.
And then you take all of that acceptance and you run with it. In the direction of your dreams.
Yes, there will be time for tweaks and adjustments and learning better techniques down the road. But without jumping in and getting started somewhere – anywhere that speaks to you – it's just the same old thing.
You can't expect to get something different if all you're doing is the same thing you've been doing all along.
Throw open the doors of your life. Wide open.
Let's see what you've got, what you might have inside you, what you might be capable of given half a chance. You'll know if you need to do something different if you're listening to yourself and checking in with yourself along the way.
What matters is that you're moving. Don’t worry about being perfect, about getting it right the first time, about insisting on perfection or nothing at all.
It doesn't matter who's watching, or what anyone else has to say about it. This is your beautiful life and enough of it has already passed without you waking up to all the possibilities of a new tomorrow that lies within you.
So many opportunities! So much more to come!
So much more than you've been settling for, waiting for someone else to set your soul free.
Confidence, beautiful.
I wrote this one for you. Because no matter how hard it is for you to see any reason that there could be something more here for you, I see it, because I see you.
Come look in the mirror and see what I see for a change. Not those wrinkles, not that nose you've never liked. Not that stringy hair you've always wished was thick and full. Not that body that you're always trying to change.
You. The real you.
You'e not any of those things. You're the woman you don't even know. The one you've never taken the time to really get to know.
It's time to change that.
What gets you excited about your life? What stirs your passion? What gives you reason to hope? What dream refuses to keep being stuffed down inside you? What do you want to say to the naysayers who say "Who do you think you are?
Go do it. Start off with a Little Helper - that's what it's there for. You won't ever regret starting off with baby steps.
But you'll definitely regret not starting.
What have you been afraid to try? Share your story with us in the comments!
Thanks for the post Jane! I'm 22 and I have so many passions I want to develop further, I've just been so worried about not being "perfect" at it when I start doing it again. For some reason we tell ourselves that if we're not good at something anymore or right away then it's just not "meant to be"! So wrong! I don't want to look back with regrets of not becoming who I feel like I'm supposed to be. Thank you. Love your website by the way, I'm going to read all your articles! I originally found it through the The Worst Thing You Can Do When He Won't Commit post. You're so real and honest.
Exactly, Rachel! Be so proud of yourself for seeing this so clearly. It is so wrong! Be your true self, follow your passions, do what makes you happy and brings you closer to making your dreams come true. The reality is that people who are "perfect" aren't real, and real people want to be with people that are real. I'm so glad you found your way here! And thank you so much for your kind words. Welcome!
Lexi
Jane is spot on! If I may add, you both need to stop talking to each other Forever! No texting, phone calls, FB, instagram, tweeting, showing up at work, no friendship, no friends with benefits and so on. Focus on your life and find a guy who wants to be with you and not date other people. And when that happens, you won't feel so crazy. Simple as that 🙂
Thanks for adding your thoughts here, Elisia. "And when that happens, you won't feel so crazy" - Exactly!
Lexi says
January 15, 2015 at 7:50 am
Hi Jane!
I need to know what is wrong with me? Maybe I am crazy...About 2 weeks ago my ex boyfriend & I had a really good talk after not talking for a while.
He said that we can't see each other while he is dating someone. He said he would let me know when things change!!
Why couldn't I just leave it there!! No I had to go and see him at his office on my day off. I thought that if we saw each other after 4 months, that he would be happy and break up with her. But that didn't happen!!
At first he was angry, and asked me why I didn't give him the Curtiscy of giving him the time to end the relationship. Call me when it was over to ask me out on a date? Why do I keep doing the same thing by Pushing Him Away!! I really feel like their is something wrong with me..
Not giving him time and be Patient. Then we talked, and I told him that it is really over for us for good I need to have closure in person. So he said that still does really like me and wants me i his life but it can't be right now.
Then he grabbed me..and kissed me and held me. Said he really does care a lot about me. Only if I would not be so crazy by doing these impulsive things all the time.
He said I am being honest with you and you have to stop texting and can't just show up anymore he is dating. Well then he got called up stairs, so we went up and he attended to his customer and I left, he said ok I willtalk to you soon. Jane I did it again.. 5 days goes by and I see something funny that I want to share with so I text him. I get back annoyed... I tell him sorry. I thought you would think it was funny? I say can we talk after work?
He calls me later and he is upset. He says why can't you leave it when we are happy? You keep pushing me away when you do these things... I told you I am dating some one and you can't just give it a couple of months till it end. Then we can get together and go out. Jane why do I keep pushing him
away? Why am I acting so impulsive. When I really don't want to.
Now he is angry again? He says do you think by doing this you are making yourself intising to me or more annoying? I just keep messing up every time we get to a good place!!! Jane is right is their something wrong with me??? Now he will never want to get back together!! Cause I am acting like such a nut case. When I only want him to realize that he made a mistake and wants to try again. It just hurts so much when I keep seeing pictures on FB. Well this time I blocked him so I don't see anything and I give him the respect that he deserves. Oh I forgot to tell you he said that he kept trying to make me happy before.. But it wasn't enough and I pushed him into meeting someone else. Cause I wanted to be in a committed relationship. He says he's just over a long marriage and wants to date. if I back off .. he seems to come back. He says that he is very attracted to me and we have a lot in common if I let him be he would come back. I have to be able to let him be the man and let him be one to Miss Me and ask me out again? I told him that I feel the longer we don't talk or see each other we will just forget about each other. He says NO that isn't true it makes him want to be with me more!! When we see each other it is the best feeling and don't want to let each other go. But why do we have wait for it? Why can't it be now? He has been dating her for almost 5 months. He says I didn't see anyone else while we were dating and I have to give him the same respect. This just sounds so confusing to me , on one hand he says I have to give him time to end it? On the other hand he says, I have to let him date? Which is it does he want to see me again or not? I know what my feelings are, I want to go out on a date. He answers we can't be Boyfriend & Girlfriend right now!! I need to give him time to date. He likes to date and meet different people.
Jane is he right? Am I pushing him away? is it true that we are meant to be or will time really decide? So last night I dedcided to block him & her on FB. Today I get a call from him saying he got call that I friended her. I said I didn't. No I decided to block you & her on FB. He says why did you block me? I didn't block you!! You don't have to do that. I keep getting mixed messages from him. He says Thank you for giving me some time right now. We will see each other again, but right now we can't be Boyfriend & Girlfriend. That we have to just work on ourselves and we don't what the future holds but we will be together again Soon!! He talks about ending it with her in a couple of months. It is so hard to just be your feelings on hold..
Please help me Jane .. is the answer give it some time? I am feeling so Hopeless right now..
Reply
There's nothing wrong with you, Lexi. You're getting mixed messages from someone who is obviously very confused himself. That's what you're picking up on! And because having someone in your life like this makes you the one who feels crazy because it's so much easier for him to put this all on you, you keep reaching out to him because he's not giving you any answers that make sense.That's what's making you anxious and acting like this.
You have to do what you can live with, but it sounds like you've given him enough time to show you what he wants and what you're seeing - this confused back and forth, push and pull kind of behavior between the two of you - is more of what you can expect.
My question for you is do you want this? Can you live like this? And if you do, why? Because this is all he's obviously capable of giving you right now. You wouldn't be behaving like this if he wasn't triggering your own insecurities with his own behavior. There's never anything wrong with us, but when we live our lives holding onto someone who can't give us what we're looking for, we can't help but feel like there is. You're not hopeless, Lexi, but you're putting all your hopes on someone who sounds like he is.
Couldn't input inform when left attended. Looking in all the wrong places for answer to unanswerable questions. Pls can I be set free..
To heart /Hand
I'd love to try and help you, Odete. Let me know what it is you're looking for. 🙂
Jane you are the best! I like what you told RealDavis, you are right on with that advice that holding on to the hurt only hurts her! Angel, I feel the same way about meeting people too but I believe that the stronger we get, the easier it will be.
Thank you for your kind words, Deb. Just like anything, the more we practice, the more it naturally becomes a part of us. It does get easier!
My Story begins with hurt, pain, abandonment, etc. I lived that life for a long time. As a child I was abandon, abused and unloved. For years I had been searching for acceptance and love. Since I did not know what love felt like the cycle continued. But today in 2015 I have found true love and acceptance. Dating a pastor that was educated, communicator, stylish, a genteman (so I thought) turned out to be a LIAR, CHEAT, ABUSER, and a USER. He abandoned me, took my kindness for weakness and claim that he loved me (LIE), the cream I thought but turned out to be S@#T!!! I had to turn my life around and today I have!!!
I hear you, RealDavis. And I'm so glad you've found that true love and acceptance you've been looking for. This other man doesn't have to have any hold on you unless you allow him to. Release yourself from any of the negativity he brings into your life by releasing him. I know that's so much easier said than done, but as long as you keep wanting him to pay for what he's done and hold onto these strong feelings for him, you're only keeping yourself associated with him and reliving your pain. You are so much more than what he is! You don't deserve to have this kind of harshness anywhere near your life. What we put on others, how harsh we judge them - no matter how true it is - holding onto it like this only hurts you, not him. Let him go, let the harsh judgments go and he goes away from your mind and your life. His journey is his own, not yours. You're not going to change him - or what happened - no matter what you say, or think or do about what he did to you. It only hurts you. Forgive yourself for not seeing what you couldn't possibly have seen at the time - and leave all this behind. You have a new life now!
Thank you Jane, I will remove this person from my mind and life!!!
It's for you, RealDavis, not for him. He's only there when you allow him to be. This is your own beautiful power shining through!
Your emails always come when I need them. Always perfect timing. Thank you!
Thank you, Melissa. I'm so glad!
Brilliant, Jane. I have been thinking about something like this for some time now, but now that I read it, I can see something else. As a child, I was always good at everything and even as an adult, I don't hide from professional challenges or academic ones. I'm one of the most confident people out there when it comes to performance at work and at school. But that confidence goes down hill when it comes to meeting people or more precisely making friends and especially when meeting men. I feel extremely handicapped in this area. What's funny is that even though I thought it was obvious, men have no clue. I was talking with a male friend a couple of days ago and he mentioned what impression I made on him when he first saw me and got a sense of me. Of course we met while I was doing my magic at work and his words shocked me: he said he was very drawn to me because he thought I was definitely special, he thought I was a very attractive, confident, smart, extroverted, businesswoman-like girl and he actually thought I was challenging to get. He thought I might be driven by luxury and material stuff and that I was ambitious. I was extremely surprised because I kept thinking all these years I came off as complicated, standoffish, aggressive and insecure, not to mention unattractive because I don't look like most girls out there. I realize that I've been operating on the childhood opinion every other little kid had of me or at least what they told me to my face during the time of bullying and also what my well meaning father on occasion implied.
I'm being extremely harsh to myself because of all those things and not to mention focusing on people who reconfirm my bad image of myself. That's the mistake. I haven't seen others who actually see the good things I have and forgive my flaws.
I also realize that when it comes to meeting men I am focused on doing it perfectly and that's why I keep contourting. I don't believe in myself. I've been trying to be my version of the perfect woman which by the way is exhausting, only because I believed what people said to me as a child was wrong with me.
I am going to have to try my way, imperfect way and be focused on being happy. It's tough to do cause I don't know how to do it, but I'll keep trying. It shouldn't be this hard. I'm glad I have actually managed to be authentic to this male friend for practice's sake and that he keeps to be surprised by what he sees as he says because he realizes there's a lot more to me he couldn't even have fathomed before. Luckily he says that in a positive way. That gives me confidence and hope to keep going through life as myself, flaws and all.
Thank you so much, Jane. A gigantic hug to you!
You're seeing this so clearly, Angel! This is exactly what so many of us do - living out someone else's version of ourselves that doesn't reflect who we really are - without even realizing that's what we're doing. I'm not surprised that you've encountered someone at this time in your life for "practice"; he saw a clearer picture of the real, authentic you because that's exactly what you're becoming as you see this more clearly on your journey - the real you! This is only the beginning of so much more to come!