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The Greatest Lesson I've Ever Learned

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A beautiful woman is smiling and happy because she loves herself and is confident.There’s one thing I've learned along this journey that has had a greater impact on me than any other lesson I've learned (and oh how many there have been!) It’s the one that hits me at my most vulnerable place of all, in my aloneness.

Because I've always felt so alone.

I've always felt so different on the inside, so unlovable because I wasn't just like everyone else. And while I played the part so well on the outside, inside there was such a different story going on. Inside I was the one who didn't quite fit in – anywhere. I always felt like I was on the outside looking in.

Surrounded by so much pressure to conform in order to be loved, I learned to play the part well, while internalizing so much of what went unsaid; I was different in a world where different wasn't a valuable asset, but something to be changed, to be shamed away, to be shut down and shut out. It didn't matter whether that was the intention or not, that was my own lonely reality.

And so in my epic search to find a cure for my loneliness, although I wouldn't come to boil it down to that until many, many years later, I was always chasing after the ones who made me feel less alone. The ones who were different, the ones who blazed their own trails and didn't care what anyone – including me – thought.Continue Reading

Should I Move Out?

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A beautiful woman sits at a table wondering if she should move out while her boyfriend watches tvOne of our new beautiful readers, Kirsty, has been living with her boyfriend for a few years, but has found that things have changed, he won't commit, and he's becoming emotionally distant.

Here's her story:

Hi,

Firstly I want to say how great this website is and how glad I am to have found it. I feel like I cant talk to anyone about my problem so I shall ask you.

I am 42 and I started dating my bf a few years ago, previous to this I had been single for 6 years.  A year ago I moved into his house and gave up mine. At the time I was very unsure but I felt it a good opportunity and so I jumped.

He has always told me he doesn't want to be tied to the hip or married but that I would always have a home here. In the beginning we went away for weekends and did fun things. Since living with him, we haven't done anything. When I ask for us to do something he always says "I don't know what I'm doing"!

He cant make plans for us but he can for his interests.

I now do things like sports and seeing family and friends on my own because he doesn't want to come and I seem to be doing everything on my own now. He has never said he loves me and the love care and affection is very scarce now.

He is happy working and sitting in front of the box every night. When I ask him to do something he always says no. Just lately I seem to be more hurt and angry with him than I do having fun with him.

I feel like a lodger who gets a daily kiss in the morning and in bed. I have told him this and he says if you are unhappy then you have to do something about it. When I ask for cuddles he gets funny but he wants to cuddle me at night.

I feel so confused, because I really love him and love to kiss and hug him, but I have pulled back and he doesn't come forth with the affection. The other day I said I couldn't cope anymore and that I was looking for another place to live but if we can work it out I would stay. He said "I don't work at things, they're either good or not".

I feel sad and lonely and think why am I here when I do everything alone and we have no future plans or goals we are working towards. I have been a bit depressed.

I suppose my question is does anyone understand what's going on here? Do I move out? Communication is an issue somewhat as he just kills it by saying its up to you, or I don't work on things.

Please help

- Kirsty

My Response:

Thank you for your kind words, Kirsty, and welcome!  I’m so glad you've found your way here!

Whenever you’re not sure about what to do in a given situation, I've always found two things to be very helpful.

The first is that if you imagine your best friend is telling you about her own situation, and the story is exactly the same as what you just told me - what would your advice to her be?  Your response to her will give you an outside perspective into what your own answer is for you.

What would you say to her?

What would you want her to see that she's not currently seeing?

How would you see her situation from a different point of view?

The second is that you can’t go wrong by doing what gives you the greatest sense of peace and calm with the least amount of regret. Would moving out give you that? Would you feel you didn't try hard enough? Or would you feel some relief after the initial shock of such a move?

Would you regret that you didn't keep asking, keep trying something different to elicit a different reaction? Or do you know deep down in your heart of hearts that you've tried everything – and then some – to try to turn things around?

There’s a reason we have such a hard time seeing our own answers clearly for ourselves; so often we don’t really want to see it for what it is. We hold tight to our subconscious belief systems – our programming – that tells us we don’t deserve better or we should be happy to have it as good as we do, or any other number of stories we buy into without even realizing this is what we’re doing.

Whether it’s someone else’s voice or our own, we hear the same words:

A relationship is work and you have to work for it to make it work. You’re expecting too much. He’s a man; what do you expect? Do you think it’s always going to be easy? What’s wrong with you?

The list of all the  things we believe about ourselves and our relationships goes on and on if we are open enough to going beneath the surface and seeing what’s really behind why we settle for the things we do.

What’s going on is so clear from here, Kirsty. But when you’re in it like you are, it never is.

Reread what you've written to me, paying close attention to what you've said about his responses, his words. You've got your answers, Kirsty.

From the time he first told you he “doesn't want to be tied to the hip or married”. From the way he can make plans for his own interests, but not for the two of you. From his answer to you that he “doesn't work on things. They’re either good or not”.  From the way he puts it on you, “If you are unhappy, then you have to do something about it.”

It’s all there.

Where he stands and where he doesn't. Where you stand on his list of priorities, and where you don’t. His activities motivate him, but not you.

It’s not surprising you’re sad and lonely and “wondering why you’re here.” It’s because you’re not there.  He’s not there. You’re alone. It’s a paradox. You’re there in person, but you’re not there in all the ways that matter.  You've pulled back and what did he do? Did he fill in that space and come closer? Or was he content to keep that space you created? It’s how you know what’s really there even if the words don’t convince you. It’s what he does.

Don’t accept these crumbs you’re being thrown anymore, Kirsty. Don’t keep asking someone who always says “no”. Don’t ask for cuddles, affection, love or attention from someone who you have ask these things of in the first place.

The only confusion here is that you don’t see what you’re doing to yourself by putting yourself through this and calling it love.  Somehow, somewhere along the way, you've forgotten who you are and what you deserve.

You've replaced living with settling and loving with loathing – yourself. Don’t call this love. Don’t allow your beautiful ,  loving heart and soul to be a part of living and loving this way with someone so incapable of giving you what you deserve.

Yes, choose you. Yes, you absolutely deserve to be loved and this is absolutely not anything remotely resembling love. Ask yourself these questions - you know what the answers are.

Don’t do it for me or for anyone else, do it for you!

I know you can relate on some level to what Kirsty’s going through. She’s not alone. And neither are you. Kirsty would love to have your support and encouragement, too. Please give her your thoughts on her situation here in the comments. Thank you.

Why the Simple Answer to 'Why Hasn’t He Called?' Is Never, Ever Enough

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A beautiful woman is looking at her phone wondering why hasn't he called or why hasn't he texted meAt one point or another in our dating lives, we've all asked ourselves the all too common question, Why hasn't he called?

And we've all heard the simple (and mostly true) answer:

If he’s interested, he’ll call. If he doesn't, he’s not. End of story.

Hundreds of books have been written around this answer, not to mention the numerous articles and videos all saying the same thing.  You’ll always know by that call. And you’ll always know by the lack of one.

But it's not really the end of the story. At least not for you.

The truth is that there’s so much more to it. You want to know the whole story. You want to know why he didn't call you (or at least text you) when he said he was going to and gave you every reason to believe he would.

You want to know why he didn't call when he asked for your number and told you he’d call you to set something up. How could he have come on so strong and then nothing, you wonder? Could he have changed his mind about you just that fast? Was it something you said, or did, or didn't do?

It doesn't make sense when you look at it from where you stand, when you know that if you were him and asked for your number in the first place, you’d follow up with a call or a text or some means of communication to follow through.

You can’t even imagine ever leaving someone hanging like this.

The reality is, it’s not just about why he didn't call. And it’s also not just about you not understanding and wanting some explanation from him so that you can move on and get on with your life.

It’s about the thoughts that underlie that line of questioning.

What’s wrong with me? is the most common, and also the most damaging. Was I too (fill in the blank)? Was I not (fill in the blank) enough? And then we start with the all too familiar beating ourselves up pattern that begins as soon as the reality hits us that he’s not going to call, that it's happened again, and you find yourself questioning whether you’re ever going to find someone to love you for who you are, to appreciate all those qualities that you’re beginning to question in yourself.

You resign yourself to yet another rejection where you allowed yourself to get your hopes up that he just might be the one, after so many disappointments time and time again.

It’s why that simple answer is just never enough.

It’s why there’s got to be something here to salvage, why there’s got to be more to the story than just that he hasn't called or texted you. Because it’s about so much more than just that.

It’s about you.

There’s only one way to change this. There’s only one way to detach yourself from whether or not he calls or doesn't call, whether or not he texts or doesn't text.  To realize that none of this is personal. To realize instead that if someone isn't on the same page as you, if they’re not looking for the same thing as you are in relationship, if they’re not looking for you, you really truly honestly don’t want them to be calling or texting you.

I know you want a chance to decide this for yourself. I know you want to be the one who makes this decision for yourself. I know you want to come to this on your own once you've had a chance to explore the potential of this person you've just met and couldn't possibly know well enough to make a decision about in such a short time with so little information.

I know it all because I remember thinking exactly along these same lines too. It’s always different when it’s you. You’re always the exception to the rule when you’re the one this is about. But there’s something beautiful in here in this for you.

There’s a reason.

It’s a reason that has nothing to do with what you can possibly know right now. It’s a reason that really does have your back. It’s because you can’t fake who you are or what you’re about and honestly, you never want to. If you could look far ahead into your life, you would see that this moment that seems to matter so much to you, with this text or call holding so much weight for you, isn't what it appears to be.

It’s the Universe having your back. It’s God or Fate - or whatever you want to call it – looking out for you and knowing what’s best for you even though you can’t see it for yourself from where you stand in this moment. It doesn't change the reality that this is exactly why these things happen.

And why they don’t.

You don’t need any more wasted time and energy on someone who’s not right for you. You don’t need to go through anymore heartbreak of falling for someone who isn't going to be there for the long run that you want someone to be there for.

It’s not good or bad. It just is. It’s what’s right for the both of you. It’s two people not on the same page who for whatever reason that has nothing to do with how worthy you are or how lovable you are or how beautiful or amazing you are. You’re all that already. This isn't about any of that.

And this is why it doesn't matter what you want to do when he doesn't call or text. It’s why it doesn't matter if you need to call him or text him just to find out why. You already have the simple answer that everyone and their brother can tell you; but it’s the answer that satisfies you that you really want.

It’s what will bring you your sense of peace and calm that matters. It’s what allows you to release both him and the outcome you were hoping for. It's what allows you to be truly free.

Whatever you need to do to bring you to that, whether you need to pursue him to feel that rejection -that never is - that takes you to the same place you started out from with your self-esteem and self-confidence feeling the effects, that’s what this is about. Some of us need to learn these things in our own way and our own time before we can move on to see what we couldn't see before.

Don’t let anyone judge you. Do what you need to do for you.

Have you been here? Does this resonate with you more than you'd like to admit? You're not alone! Share as little or as much as you'd like in the comments and see for yourself how true this is. I always love hearing from you.

My Committed Boyfriend Says He's Not Ready to Commit

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Word commitment written on a piece of paper being erased symbolizing lack of commitmentOur dear friend Sarah is in a committed relationship with her boyfriend, but he won't take that commitment to the next level. He says that he's not ready to commit to her further.

Here's her email:

Hi Jane,

A few months ago, my boyfriend of 2.5 years (he's 28 and I'm 32, and we don't live together) and I were planning on buying a house.

We discussed legal aspects (i.e. what happens if things don't work out), financial aspects and I felt like we were on the path to home ownership. We decided against it because the market is not very good and I think we both realized it was too soon for us anyway. Since then, we haven't had any conversations about moving in together.

I got the feeling from him that he had changed his mind and wasn't ready.

The other day, I asked him if he would ever want to live with me, and he gave me a very confusing answer - that he loved me very much, but felt like he wasn't ready to settle down. That he never got to live the bachelor life and that he doesn't feel ready financially, mentally or socially. The confusing part is that he said he feels like he wants to meet more people and have more fun and I'm not sure if he means guy friends or females.

We have a connection that I've never experienced. We are very easy going, communicative and don't fight. We have the same goals, don't want children, and make long term career plans with each other in mind.

His family, friends and I get along amazing. We have a ton of fun whenever we're together, and thoroughly enjoy our quality time together. We have a lot of the same interests, have the same sense of humor but also have our separate interests and passions that we encourage each other to pursue.

We vacation together for weeks on end and don't drive each other crazy. We are always in each others plans for the future, the near future anyway, such as where we want to vacation during the next year and how we can prepare for our financial future. He kisses me on the forehead regularly and looks at me with a love in his eyes that makes me believe I am truly his number one.

In short, his actions and his words are saying two different things and it's got me really confused.

During our lengthy discussion about commitment, I told him I would not be someone's second choice, if indeed he wasn't sure if I was the one for him and wanted to keep his options open.

He told me he wishes we had met when he was a few years older. The thought of us breaking up made us both cry as we held each other. We decided to stay together, even though I'm aware that anything can change, but realistically, that's a risk we take even if both parties are committed.

I don't have a lot of friends and we talked about how our social lives consist of us hanging out with his friends/family and doing things that he suggests or initiates. I have a business that requires me to work alone and I've found it has made me slightly isolated and I don't have a lot going on in my life.

I think a part of him wishes I was more outgoing, fun, exciting, and engaging.

In the past few days, I've found myself trying to make myself appear more appealing to him, dressing nicer, trying to be funnier and not bring up stressful topics. I've also been analyzing his words and actions, I think in search for some clue that he's swaying one way or the other and so far,  he's just like normal; loving, fun and committed to making me happy.

But I know I can't do this forever, looking for proof he picks me/commitment, as it will drive me crazy.  My brain says break up with him, as I've learned from previous experiences that we always miss the red flags and I don't want to feel stupid down the road when/if he breaks up with me.

But in my heart, I know that he loves me more than I think anyone has ever loved me and I think he's smart enough to know he won't ever find anyone as good as me - actually he's told me that.

I've been thinking of giving him 6 months and then coming back to this with him to see if anything's changed. If not I'll have to end it.

I don't want a commitment to move in together right away, just a "Yes, absolutely one day I want to live with you" from him. I know what I deserve and want in life. Everything I read on your site says to me I need to end this relationship. Do you think maybe this is different?

Thanks so much,

Sarah

My Response:

Dear Sarah,

The part that makes every relationship different is that it’s your own.

You know what he has to offer. You know where he stands. You know what you have with him. And you know very clearly what you want – a commitment that says "Yes, absolutely one day I want to live with you."

But that isn't what you're getting from him. You have a guy who is being honest with you, letting you know that “he loves you very much, but feels like he isn't ready to settle down.” And you are.  And you are being very wise to believe him, to hear what he’s saying, to not make excuses for him, but to take him at his word, even if his actions give you reason to hope.

The fact that you're 32 and he’s 28 may have something to do with this; as you're ready for more of a commitment – and understandably so! – while he doesn't feel the same urgency.

And because for men in our culture, there is never an expectation that he should be settling down like there is for women, it feels normal for him that he would want to experience that bachelor life that is widely marketed in so many ways around us.

I suspect this is what he’s talking about, too, and why he feels he isn't in any hurry to commit to you, regardless of his feelings for you. It’s two different things.

But this isn't about him; it’s about you.

It’s about what you need to be happy, it’s about what you can live with and what you can’t. It’s not about settling, it’s about making a choice knowing full well what it is your choosing, and what you’re giving up and what you’re not. It’s about being honest with yourself about what you’re looking for from him and what he is and isn't able to give you.

My concern is that you’re “trying to make myself appear more appealing to him, dressing nicer, trying to be funnier and not bring up stressful topics.”

When we go down the path of trying to be more of what we think someone wants us to be to try to convince them of our worth, and why they should want to be with us in the committed relationship we’re looking for, we can do so much damage to our self-esteem and confidence by feeling like because we are not getting our desired response that there is something “wrong” with us, or that we’re somehow not “good enough” for them. When in reality, this isn’t about you being enough of anything for him, it’s about his own desire to live the bachelor life, as he says, and do what he feels he needs to do for himself. This has nothing to do with you.

Take your own power back, Sarah, because this is about  what you can do, not what you can’t.

Because you can do a lot.

You have a timeline, which is your own inner gauge of how long you’re willing to wait to see if anything changes.  But in that timeline, don’t spent your time waiting. There’s so much more to life than waiting for someone to be ready, to be on your same page, to see what you can see so clearly.

Don’t let your business isolate you; go find the life that you want for yourself.  Don't make him the center of your universe. Give him some space to be himself while you discover your own true self. Be true to yourself. Find the people, the hobbies, the activities that fuel your own passions.

Don't spend your time focusing on him and where he’s at – that does more damage to you than you can imagine. Don’t nag, don't try to manipulate or control him. Don't play games.  Just be yourself. Be honest with him and yourself. And be your authentic true self.

Keep your  own options open and adopt the mindset that you are the one who’s the prize here - because you are!

When you make your own life so full and happy with the things that bring you joy, you won't be looking to him to complete you or fill you up or come around and be something he can’t or won’t be.

And when you live your life like this, you’ll allow him to discover if he's ready to take things to the next step on his own, because that’s the only way you want it.

That's what this is all about; living your own beautiful life in such a way that what someone else does or doesn't do doesn't matter; what matters above all else is your own happiness!

Do you have any words of advice or support for Sarah? Or can you relate to her story? Share your thoughts with us in the comments!

 

Freeing Yourself From the Trap of Validation

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A beautiful woman sits inside of a giant glass jar symbolizing that she feels trapped by her need for external validation.
Here's what's beneath it all.

It's what I like to call the Trap of Validation.

We’re so used to getting our validation from external sources. Just the idea of getting this validation from ourselves, just the thought of us being enough to validate ourselves seems so foreign.

We can’t understand what that would even look like.

But take away the ability of anyone except yourself to validate you, and you become more powerful on your own than anyone outside of yourself could ever cause you to be.

We do this to ourselves.

This holding ourselves hostage because of our fear of being alone. This holding ourselves back, keeping ourselves down, holding us back from being all that we are and all that we can be of our own accord, simply because we've been so programmed to believe our worth is found in being with someone, in being a partner, of being a wife, of being a significant other.

And what’s beneath that...what’s really beneath that?

Continue Reading

It's Become a Long Distance Relationship, and I'm Devastated

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A beautiful woman sits on a balcony overlooking the city devastated that her relationship with her boyfriend has become a long distance relationshipOne of our gorgeous readers, who calls herself "V", is in a great relationship with a guy that she loves. The problem is that it's suddenly turned into a long distance relationship because of a job that he's taken.

Here's her story:

Dear Jane,

I am having a really tough time right now.

I moved last year to a small town my retired parents and never expected to stay. However, I ended up starting a business here, one I'm hoping will eventually afford me the ability to travel when I choose to.

For the past 6 months I have been in a friendship that slowly turned into a relationship. It gets better every day, but it didn't start out as him wanting anything more than friendship so we haven't been officially dating for very long.

The man I met had been focused on getting out of this small town he grew up in and making a name for himself outside of his family business. We have very similar hopes and dreams and that is how we bonded in the first place. We are both in our twenties, he is a few years younger than me.

This past week he finally got a job that is really wonderful for him. It's a huge raise, but he will be traveling all of the time and probably working 10-12 shifts. It is a really great opportunity, however we are both just realizing how much we want to be together and how important our relationship together is.

The reason we didn't start dating right in the first place was that he thought a girlfriend in his home town would tie him down. I accidentally changed the way he feels on that issue, at first because I'm just living here but I'm not attached to the town, and then because he sees how free and good we are together, not that it's a ball and chain- I guess we both matured a lot together already .

Unfortunately this job might take him all over a state about 12 hours away for the next several years. He would only be able to come back here for a few days every few weeks.

I am devastated.

We both want very badly to be together and don't want to let go of each other, but it seems like we're being pulled apart. It sucks because we both want to travel and would love to travel together, but it just doesn't seem like it will work out. Him not taking this job is not an option for either of us.

He has worked at getting something like this for years and I understand completely how he feels.

I just escaped my small hometown myself.  If my business takes off I would have more money to visit (he also said he would pay to fly me down to him).

I just don't know what to do.

From what I think you've said, this just isn't the right relationship for me because I don't want to be away from my love all the time. A week or two wouldn't be a big deal if we were sure to see each other for a few days, but we're pretty sure it'll be like that all the time.

I don't want to let go of something that would be so wonderful for us if only it was a LITTLE different. When I say it, it sounds like this is going to be something that everyone tells me to move on from.

I don't know what to do.

I don't want anyone else, I want him. People say that there are other fish in the sea, but how could I just give up on our life together when it's something we both want and just can't figure out a way around it? Or if it's meant to be, it'll be.

That's so awful to hear all the time. I'm scared because we haven't had a huge amount of time together and I feel crazy for being so completely attached already. Right now we are on "snooze" while he's still home for another week (traveling for four weeks after that and then home for two long weekends) because neither of us wants it to end.

He doesn't feel like it will be fair in the end to be absent from my life all the time physically, even though he says he selfishly wants to stay together.

I can't stop crying and I'm so stressed.

Trying to distract myself with activities has not helped. He is such a good man, but we are both young, still learning, and not settled in one place. He is also the only guy that I've been with that is 110% trustworthy.

The issue is the distance. Please, please help because I am at a complete loss.

I can't handle having my heart broken this time.

- V

My Response:

Dear V,

I understand how much you want this to work in spite of the distance, and I have some great news for you. You’re not the only one in this relationship. There’s two of you here, you and him.

And what that means is if you both want the same thing, if you both want to be together, then the distance won’t be enough to keep the two of you apart. If it’s only you who wants to be together more often, than you’re definitely right that I would say that this isn't the right relationship for you. Because it would mean that you want more than he’s going to be able to give you.

Life in general, which includes relationships, is always about what you can live with and what you can’t.

Don’t worry about trying to distract yourself. I know full well just how hard it is to distract yourself by focusing on your life when something like this is occupying so much of your time and energy.

But you’re not the only one in this.

This isn't only up to you. It’s in recognizing what is yours that you can control here and what isn't, that you can accept the reality of what’s really going on that can bring you some peace here.

You can’t change him. I suspect that because you mention that you've changed his opinion of dating someone from his hometown, that you want to believe you can be enough to change his desire to take this job that would take him away from you for so long.

The reality is, it’s not about you being enough – you’re always enough! But this one isn't up to you. It’s up to him to see this for what it is, to recognize that you can only make decisions and be in control of what is yours to control.

When it comes to this job opportunity, if traveling and being away from home are a priority for him right now, then this is a part of who he is that you’re now finding out more about.

Of course you don’t want to let go of someone that’s ideal in every way except the distance part. But that’s no small thing if you’re not on the same page here. If he’s content to move forward with this even if it means the two of you won’t see each other very often, then this is something you have to decide if you can live with.

Focus on the day to day reality of what that will look like to you. What will being in a long distance relationship with someone like this look like and can you live with that?

I suspect that underneath what you’re feeling here, you’re questioning why you can’t be enough for him to not take this job that will take him away from you. You’re feeling like you've invested so much of yourself already that you can’t bear the thought of letting him go.

And you’re hurting not so much because of the fact that you may not be able to be with this man, but because you’re realizing that you may be the only one who wants this to be something more, who sees the potential the two of you have to be so much more. Yet you’re sensing he’s not there. And you’re heartbroken at the realization that you might be the only one on this page.

If you’re both here, V, if you’re both on the same page, distance won’t matter. But it sounds like this is about more than distance, it’s about him.

If he’s truly right for you, distance won’t change this.

But don’t sign up for something that isn't about distance, but instead is about two people on two different pages, looking for two different things using the distance problem as a disguise to cover up what’s really going on.

You’ll know because it won’t be an issue that can’t be overcome. You’ll know because even if he chooses this job, there will still be a willingness to make this work in spite of this great opportunity. He doesn't have to give up this job opportunity to give you what you’re looking for, but he absolute does have to give you enough for you to know that he’s on the same page and wants the same thing as you.

If you look closer, if you see through eyes that are willing to look beyond the fantasy to the reality of what is, your answer will become clear. As much as we can deny it, deep down we always know.

I hope this helps give you something to think about from an outside perspective.

Love,

Jane

Do you have any other words of advice or encouragement for our dear friend V? Share them with us in the comments!

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