It's what I like to call the Trap of Validation.
We’re so used to getting our validation from external sources. Just the idea of getting this validation from ourselves, just the thought of us being enough to validate ourselves seems so foreign. We can’t understand what that would even look like.
But take away the ability of anyone except yourself to validate you, and you become more powerful on your own than anyone outside of yourself could ever cause you to be.
We do this to ourselves.
This holding ourselves hostage because of our fear of being alone. This holding ourselves back, keeping ourselves down, holding us back from being all that we are and all that we can be of our own accord, simply because we've been so programmed to believe our worth is found in being with someone, in being a partner, of being a wife, of being a significant other.
And what’s beneath that, what’s really beneath that?
Proof that someone found us worthy. Proof that we’re “enough” for someone to want to marry us, to become part of that echelon that our culture still sees as the proof of our worthiness – being happily married.
Anyone can get married; yes, if that’s all that we’re looking for any of us can find someone to marry us. But as we all know, or eventually come to realize, it’s always about so much more than just that.
We insist on it being someone who we didn't think we could get, whose selection of us gives us a special kind of validation, because subconsciously he always represents someone else from a different place and time who we never could get. That’s why he holds such power over us, because it’s not about him, it’s about us and our subconscious beliefs.
Fly in the face of that pressure to conform, to be someone you’re not. Don’t give your power away like that. Don’t give yourself away like that.
You’re not here to make anyone love you, to convince anyone of your worth. You’re not here to prove you’re lovable, worthy, the marrying kind, the kind that mothers and aunts and grandmas can celebrate because you've finally got your man.
They fell for it, too.
Take your own power back, my beautiful friend. This is your time. This is your time to grow your own wings and shine. Whatever it is that stirs your soul. Whatever it is that brings you to life and gives you that spring in your step and that smile on your beautiful face, let that be your lifeblood, not a mere mortal man.
Yes, love is wonderful when you’re with someone who’s on the same page as you, who wants the same thing you do. Yes, it’s wonderful to be with someone you can share your hopes and dreams with, who you can walk through this life together. But equal to this, and in some cases, even above par with this if you've never known yourself in this light of just how limitless your life can be, is what loving and accepting and celebrating yourself can do.
It’s what validating yourself on your own terms does for you. It’s this refusing to make anyone responsible for your happiness, this refusing to bow to what you wrongfully assume someone else knows better than you, that allows you to feel how good it feels to finally be validated for you.
Are you seeing this? No one’s doing this to you, it’s what YOU do to you!
Don’t be a slave to love any longer. That’s not love. Being a slave to anything is the farthest thing from love. It’s about having your own boundaries and pulling yourself in close whenever you’re around someone who dares try to pull you into their negative vortex where you live for that validation, for that acceptance of you that you require from no one, if you’ll only first find it in yourself.
When you hear me say, “Find it in you!”, this isn't just a cliché, it’s where it all begins.
It’s how it all happens.
When you know who you are, when you accept yourself on your own terms, when you define yourself by the terms you choose and not the ones that are thrown at you without any say of your own; this is how you come to find what you’re really looking for underneath all the surface things we fool ourselves into believing we are. It’s not those.
It’s how you free your soul and your life. It’s how you live what we’re always talking about here. It’s so easy to live in chains when you can’t see them, when the weight of carrying what everyone else puts on you goes unnoticed because it’s a habit you've been engaged in for far too long.
But none of this goes unnoticed to that innermost part of you that knows what’s going on and keeps fighting to bring you into a level of awareness where you can see this for yourself. Everything that’s happened to you, everything that keeps happening to you, there’s a reason. It wants you to know. It wants you to see this for yourself. It needs you to because it’s you.
This is no way to live, no way to be, no way to keep excusing what’s happening to you like this. There’s a reason for it all. It wants to wake you up so you can see this with the same set of eyes that the ones who have made this journey themselves understand all too well.
It’s your turn.
Time to see. Time to open to what might possibly be. Time to find your voice, your you, the place where you begin and another person ends. Time to find what’s been lying silent for so long, waiting. Is it time? Almost?
It’s more than time, but it has to come from you.
Touch her heart.
No more groveling, no more enslavement, no more settling for crumbs instead of standing tall with your head held high.
I’m right here with you, I've walked in your shoes. I still fall into them from time to time. Let’s do this together. Let’s take that chance on you. You’re worth it. You have what it takes. It’s not just something everyone else can do, this taking a chance on you. You can do it too. And I’m not going to ever stop trying to convince you until you know it for yourself.
And then you'll finally be free.