Archives for 2014

Unemotional With Commitment Issues

Dear Jane.

I've been with bf two yrs now. He is 34 and I'm 42. I have a 17 yr son.

He lives a 40 min drive away. Due to work commitments we often see each other Wednesday eve for a few hours and Fri to Sunday. I always drive up there and back.

My son goes with the flow but has no relationship as such with my bf. Due to the small size of my house my son has kind of taken over the living room as his room is very small.

Anyhow I am very concerned and scared as to where our relship is going.

He is a very calm quiet and emotionally closed person but has a great sense of humor and we laugh non stop.

The thing is though..he NEVER EVER initiates any conversation that involves us as a couple that reflects his hopes or plans or feelings for us. He never really says anything to do with feelings with regards to us, his family, friends, sadness, compassion, empathy etc etc.

The only time it seems anything like that is present, is when I bring it up or I'm upset and he calculates that it needs some kind words. The responses are verbally caring but physically there is rarely any obvious emotion from a sad situation to a happy one.

When I on occasion, out of sheer desperation, have brought up issues that need at least an understanding, affirming, caring or a from the heart response, there is...nothing...nothing but a sullen, vague, blank or frustrated look..no words..no hug..no hand. There is a heck of a lot of silence though and if I do manage to coax out some words they are...I don't know, haven't thought about it, I take each day at a time, why do you have to upset this lovely day we had with this. ...etc etc.

He says he loves me and I'm his best friend and he does look after me when I'm with him. We joke about and make up funny games do crazy stuff together but....get serious on him and it's like I've just asked him something outrageous.

He never shouts, is never mean, is very loyal, but basically doesn't get out of his zone for no one unless maybe the house is on fire.

I'm often hinting at how hard it's becoming for me to continually drive up there..the petrol..the wear and tear on the car..the goodbyes when I leave..

He says shall I pay towards petrol? Seriously? ! Does he not see it..

He has nothing in his town except his job..no links whatsoever. Where I live is where I work, where all my friends live and my aging parents and my sons college AND his parents and brother and grandad and aunts and uncles are in the same area as mine..like a mile down the road! It's totally impractical for us to move. He's aware of this..

He's not overly affectionate either. I've often bear hugged him and his arms would stay right where they are..by his side. He hates french kissing. I'm not joking. He's not into displays of public affection and I'm talking hugs and hand holding. .not unless he's had a pint or two.

He's become better at hugging me but I think I've also accepted his ways to some extent.

He still says he loves me... I love him to bits and have never been with such a kind loyal and patient person.

Have you any thoughts Jane?

I'm just so desperate for him to at least mention something about us having a future but I'm feeling so much like the weekend hobby. ...:'(.

Please help me....xxx

My response:

Dear Caz,

I so hear your pain.

It’s never easy when you see it so clearly from where you are, and when everyone else can see it too, but the one person you so want to see it, doesn't. It doesn't make sense on so many levels – to you.

But the reality is, people do what they do for a reason. Whether they realize it or not. This is working for him. It’s comfortable for him.

Whether he’s aware of it or not – and usually they aren't because they don’t give these things the same kind of thought that we do – it’s what he’s comfortable with. Yes, he’s farther away than he really needs to be, but he’s quite content to stay where he is. He doesn't give you more because what he’s giving you is as much as he’s wanting to give.

There’re so many reasons why, but the only one that matters is that none of this has anything to do with you, Caz.

This is all about him and his choices and his issues. And as much as you've tried talking to him about what you want to see different, about what you need from him, his response confirms how he feels and where he’s at - and how much he’s content with the way things are.

When you've told him how you feel, and you've asked for him to do something different, when you've given him both the subtle hints you have and direct ones he can’t ignore as well, you can know that he knows where you’re coming from.

The next part is up to you.

You've seen by his actions where he stands. You've heard from his words how he feels about all this. The ways he responds to what you say, and the behaviors you get or don’t get from him all reveal the same thing – this is who he is, these are his terms for your relationship, and this is where he’s at.

Believe him. Hear him.

And most of all, accept him and where he’s at. That’s how you find your own peace. See him for who he is and what he has to offer you. Can you live with his terms? Can you live with him the way he is? It comes down to you, Caz, and what he’s worth to you, and what having him in your life on his terms is worth to you versus not having him in your life at all.

You’re not going to change him. You can only change yourself.

If you can live with what he offers and he’s worth it to you, then accept that. But if you can’t, if you want more than he’s offering you, then accept that, too.

And make your decision based on the reality of what is, of what he’s told you and what you see in his actions, and not on the fantasy of what you know it could be like “if only” he could do this or that.

You’re not here to change him, it’s not your role to change anyone or convince them of why they should want to commit to you on a deeper level. It has to come from him. He has to want it, too.

If you’re content to live your own life and fill it with the people and things that make you happy and fill your own cup independent of him, then what he does or doesn't do won’t matter as much and you can adjust your expectations of him. But you have to be honest with yourself on whether you can truly live like that or you’ll only be looking for more from him than what he’s capable of giving you.

And that’s a tough way to live.

There isn't anything wrong with what you want from him, Caz; there isn't anything wrong with where he’s at. But if you’re both on different pages, if you’re both looking for something different, then you need to decide just how compatible you truly are.

Choose you first, Caz, and then choose to do with him and this relationship whatever brings you the greatest amount of peace and calm and leaves you with the least amount of regrets.

Trust yourself to know, trust your heart, your gut instincts. You’re with him, you know him, and you know you. The only person you answer to is yourself.

Love,

Jane

What do you think? Do you have any words of advice or encouragement for our dear friend Caz? Share them with us in the comments.

Find It In You

26 Comments

There’s a reason you’re so drawn to him. It’s no accident he’s the one you've chosen, even if it doesn't seem like it.

And it makes perfect sense that you feel like you can’t live without him, that you can’t let him go, that you need him in your life to live.

I understand completely even though most everyone else you use these words with doesn't. And they don’t understand because they can’t.

But you do, so well.

This reason you’re so drawn to him, it’s because you’re so good at attracting exactly what you need. It’s because you’re such a beautiful loving, caring, sensitive soul that you've found exactly the type of person who gives you a new feeling of confidence and boldness that you, too, can do anything and be anything when you’re around him.

Of course he makes you laugh, of course you’re so happy when you’re with him.

His is the life you want for you! His way is the ease with which you want your life to be lived by you. And he makes it seem so believable, so possible, and so within your reach.

You can let down your guard, stop trying to please everyone, stop caring about what everyone else thinks, and stop being oh so responsible.

You can breathe.

He's almost everything you wish you could be more like, even if you don’t realize it yourself. His lack of caring about everyone else, his lack of needing to please anyone but himself, his ability to set such strong boundaries to keep everyone from getting too close, his attitude of irresponsibility.

He knows what’s his and what isn't and he has no problem separating the two. He may even tell you this is who he is, and people can either like or leave it.

And of course, he’s talking about you here, too.

It wasn't until I finally realized how little I was actually getting out of these relationships, how one-sided they truly were, that I started seeing a pattern to the men I was attracted to and attracting. They were one and the same. They were all various versions of this same theme.

It was because I was always looking for someone outside of myself to give me permission to live the life I always dreamed of. It was because I didn't think I could do what I wanted to do on my own.

It was because I cared so much about what everyone else thought about me and wanted everyone to like me, to approve of me, to accept me for who I was. It was because I feared failure, I feared disapproval, I feared being discovered that I wasn't everything I was supposed to be by the standards I had allowed others to set for me that weren't my own to begin with.

It wasn't until I repeated this same pattern enough times that I was finally able to see what was really going on.

I stopped trying to live off someone else. I started living for me.

I started making a list of everything I wanted to do. I ventured out of my comfort zones. I started asking myself the big questions I didn't think I had a right to ask.

I started looking at me, not him.

I started finding my own way, baby steps at first, not knowing exactly what I was doing, but knowing it was my own right to find my own way.

I stopped apologizing for not knowing.

I started accepting the things that I had always hated about myself.

I stopped seeing my negatives as liabilities and started seeing them as the qualities that made me who I am.

I made a list of things I wanted to work on, things I really did want to change, but I also started to accept where I was and who I was right then as well. And realizing that wherever I was starting from was OK. I realized I had nothing to lose and everything to gain, and the only thing I was wasting by not getting started was my own life.

It was time.

It didn't happen overnight. But it did happen.

Not without doubts and not without fears. Not without so many two steps forward and one step backward wondering if I was doing the right thing or if any of this was really necessary. And not without having those moments where I simply wanted to give up and go back to the old model that seemed so much easier because at least then I didn't have to do this on my own.

But I didn't go back. And I finally found what I had been looking for in me.

I stopped caring so much about everyone else and what they thought of me, and I started living the way I wanted to live my life. I stopped trying to please everyone because I realized I was the only one I answer to and what someone else wanted or needed was their business and not mine.

I started setting strong boundaries to keep myself strong in who I was and keep other people’s issues from becoming enmeshed with my own. I started being only as responsible as I needed to be, and not responsible by anyone else’s standards.

I started knowing what was mine and what wasn't and being able to tell the difference.

I stopped changing myself into what everyone else wanted me to be. I began to live my life for me without listening to that little voice that I was so used to hearing tell me I was being selfish. I finally knew the truth.

Now it’s your turn.

Find it in you.

What does he have that you don’t? What does he give you that you can’t give to yourself? What wings does he give you that you can’t give yourself? What does being with him bring to you that you don’t feel you can do without him? What is it that draws you to him? What need are you trying to fill?

This isn't about proving to yourself you don’t need anyone but you. It’s not about saying no to someone who is on your page and compatible with you. It’s about discovering that you don’t need to settle for a relationship with someone who doesn't treat you the way you deserve to be treated simply because you don’t think you can live without him. It’s about giving to yourself everything he gives you so that you can have the life and the love you’re always wanted that’s found in the true living of your own life. It’s about feeling that beautiful confidence of knowing you can do this for you.

You don’t need the halfway version of living vicariously through someone else

Go find the real thing in you.

How about you - what need are you trying to fill with the men that you've been choosing? Share your story with us in the comments.

No More

60 Comments

So many of us struggle with the basics.

We get so caught up in the complicated aspects of our relationships that we think are the problem, that we miss the simple truths that underlie so many of our core beliefs.

These are the beliefs that keep us staying so stuck, and settling for so few crumbs.

We live like this because it's all we've ever known - or it's all we ever saw modeled for us, and we miss the fact that changing these beliefs, these ingrained habits that have become so much a part of who we are, begins the shift that changes everything.

So, starting right now, let's start making these changes.

No more chasing after someone.

No more believing he’s the only one.

No more selling yourself … to anyone.

No more waiting around for his call or text… you’re a woman with a life, not a lady-in-waiting.

No more sleeping with someone who can’t make his mind up about you.

No more focusing on someone else’s needs more than your own.

No more kidding yourself about why he won’t commit; if he won’t commit, either accept it and know what you’re signing yourself up for, or move on.

No more hanging on to someone who isn’t hanging on to you.

No more investing in a relationship where you’re the only one doing the investing.

No more waiting to be chosen; you’re doing the choosing.

No more beating yourself up for what you didn’t know, didn’t see, didn’t get, or didn’t see coming.

No more focusing on the past; right now is where your life is at.

No more living in the life-depleting should; you did the best you could with what you knew at the time!

No more hating your body, your skin, your hair, your nose, your ears. You are beautiful just as you are.

No more looking to others to complete you.

No more living your life vicariously through others; it’s time for your life to be everything you want it to be.

No more giving your power away to everyone else.

No more thinking that everyone else has something you don’t.

No more putting anyone on a pedestal.

No more pretending.

No more crying over someone who doesn’t deserve you and wasn’t compatible with you to begin with.

No more making someone your world.

No more bending and pretzeling to please someone else. It doesn’t work and hurts you more than you know.

No more saying you can’t do this.

No more excuses why everyone can do this except you.

You can do it.

But only if you really want to.

And only if you choose to.

If you’re done with what you’ve been doing and you’re ready for something different, this is where it stops. With you. With a word. With a commitment … to you.

Here's to the new you!

How about you - what are you going to say no more to? Tell us in the comments!

What's Underneath

6 Comments

“If I know what love is, it’s because of you."

These are the words that are written on a simple but beautiful magnet on my refrigerator. When I first saw it, it brought home a truth that reached through to the core of me. It still does.

You see, back in my single days, regardless of what I appeared to have going for me on the surface, or how many people couldn't understand why someone like me was still single, the truth is that it’s never about what’s on the outside of us; it’s always about what’s on the inside.

Sure, externally I may have had what people thought was all you needed to not still be single – I had the look, the clothes, the job, the car, etc. Outwardly I seemed happy and outgoing.

But the reality was that inside was an entirely different story. I didn't even realize it until much later, but the truth, my truth, was that I really believed deep down inside that there was something wrong with me.

I believed that I was missing something that everyone else seemed to have, and somehow I didn't deserve to have the love that I so wanted.

It didn't matter how confident I came across on the outside, it didn't matter how together my life appeared to be. The reality of what I truly felt about myself and what I really believed was revealed by the type of men I was attracting and the type of men I found myself attracted to.

I could hide the truth from everyone around me, but I couldn't hide it where it mattered most.

And it’s the same for you.

It doesn't matter what you have or don’t have on the outside or what it seems like to anyone else. It’s all about you – the real you, underneath the external facade.

You may not even realize the details of your belief system. But that belief system is exactly what determines so much of who you are and what you do.

It quietly shows up in so many areas of your life, usually without you even noticing.

It determines what you see and how you see it, and it will bring you exactly what you believe to be true. It shows up in who you attract into your life and who you’re drawn towards.

But it doesn't have to.

When you see it, when you have that aha moment of clarity, it will seem so obvious.

But until then it’s anything but obvious.

You're probably thinking that you're doing everything right, but it's still not working.

I know because that's exactly what I used to think.

I can list out every single relationship I was in where the only way I knew to get through was to keep doing more of the same, to keep doing everything I thought I was doing that was so different but ended up being the same thing underneath every single time. I just couldn't see it at the time.

This is about your dream. It’s about your happiness. It’s about your life.

This isn't how life is meant to be lived, especially not your life.

This isn't what love is meant to feel like. This isn't how you’re meant to feel.

Soon there will come a time when you look at the men you've been (or still are) in relationships with, and you'll realize the truth of these words for you. But it won't happen until you try something different.

It’s your time. It’s your turn.

I'm here to help you, but I can’t do it without you.

Let's get there together.

It's Just Not Sustainable

64 Comments

We've all seen the ads:

Do this and get him back.

And they certainly entice us because they promise exactly what we think we want: to get him back, to make him love us, to convince him to stay.

But in reality, it’s exactly the opposite of what we really want if we knew what the rest of the story of our lives was going to be. If we could only have the gift of hindsight right now.

But right now, it’s the only thing we want.

Because we think this is what it’s all about. We love him and we don’t know how we’re going to live without him would be a more accurate statement of what we're really thinking if we're open to admitting it to ourselves.

So when we hear about some secret to getting him back or someone promises to sell us the solution to getting him to love us, we’re there in a heartbeat.

We know he’s pulling away, we see he’s gotten distant, we know something’s going on and we don’t know how to stop it. All we want is to change it back to the way it used to be – to the way he used to be – so if someone’s telling us how, we’re all ears. We’re buying.

We don’t want to hear why we’re better off without him if he doesn't want to be with us. We just know our heart is breaking, our life is coming crashing down, and the love of our life that we can’t live without is slowly disappearing.

It pulls at the most fragile part of us – not our hearts, but our belief system that holds our dreams and believes that love will conquer all. It’s the same belief system that holds our self-esteem, our self-confidence, our self-worth.

And that’s why this is so hard; it’s not just our hearts that are breaking, it’s everything we believe in, it’s everything we've bought into, it’s every belief about love and relationships and men we've ever held. It’s all the beliefs about ourselves that we still hold onto so tight.

It’s not just him and what he’s doing. It’s us.

But getting him back isn't going to fix this. It might temporarily, but it’s not sustainable. Because acting a certain way, behaving in a certain way, is only going to work if it’s the way you actually act and the way you really do behave. Genuinely, authentically, in the real you kind of way.

Being anything except your authentic self – the real you – won’t get you anywhere you want to be. Even if you can pretend for long enough until he notices, until he takes the bait and gives you what you were hoping for, if it doesn't come from the real you, from your true self, you can only live an act for so long.

You can only be playing by someone else’s game for so long. You can only be acting out someone else’s script for so long. It’s simply not sustainable. The only thing that's sustainable is the real you. Your true self.

Anything else will eventually fall apart.

And as much as you think it’s what you want, it’s not. You don’t really want to be with someone who doesn't love the real you. Someone who you have to be anything other than your true beautiful self. Someone who you have to convince of your worth.

You don’t want them.

Not like this.

It’s OK if you’re not there yet. It’s OK if you still want to try to get him back, to bring him closer, to make him go back to the way he was before. I understand it more than you know because I would have given anything to bring him back, too.

Before I knew better.

Think about it. Mull it over. Give it some time to resonate. Do you really want someone you have to try to win over? Someone who you have to do or be something other than be yourself? Someone who being yourself isn’t good enough for? Someone who you have to play these games with?

If you’re not enough for him, then the truth is that he’s not enough for you.

It Seems Like He's Lost His Feelings For Me

14 Comments

Our beautiful friend Emilie is in a long distance relationship, but her guy is drifting away and becoming emotionally distant.

Her email:

I've met this guy two years ago in Spain and we went out, there was clearly a spark there. We kept in touch and I went back to Spain this summer and we fell madly in love, it was crazy. So we were able to keep our ldr but now he started university and he seems to have lost his feelings for me...I really want him back so please give me anything!

My Response:

Know that you can't make anyone love you or want to be with you, Emilie. You can only give him the time and space he's asking for and let him fill in that space himself by contacting you, by making an effort to continue with a long distance relationship.

And then you can keep living your own life, and focusing on you, and reminding yourself that love is about two people who want to be together, who are both on the same page and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen.

I know it's hard to accept that he might not be there right now, that he might be focused on starting university and this new life he's begun for himself that makes him more distant than close. But know that if it's meant to be, if he wants the same thing as you, it will happen.

But in the meantime, accepting this, realizing that you only want to be with someone who wants to be with you, you can see this as an opportunity to see what else is out there for you, to be open to what shows up and what resonates with you.

You deserve someone who wants to be with you as much as you want to be with him, Emilie, so know that whether it's this guy or not, you'll always know who's right for you because he'll want this too. It's never about you having to convince someone you want to be with him, it's about him discovering this for himself and wanting to make sure you know he does!

I know this is easier said than done, when your heart only wants him, but if you can keep this perspective, you'll eventually come to see this for yourself, too. Don't take what he does or doesn't do personally, this is only about him and where he's at and not you!

Love,

Jane

Can you relate? Share your story and words of encouragement with Emilie in the comments!

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Unemotional With Commitment Issues

My response:

Find It In You

It was time.

Find it in you.

No More

What's Underneath

It's Just Not Sustainable

It Seems Like He's Lost His Feelings For Me

Her email:

My Response:

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