Archives for 2014

Why Do You Want to Be With Someone Who Doesn't Want to Be With You?

For those of you who regularly read this blog, you've heard me ask this question time and time again.

Why do you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?

But instead of answering this question directly for yourself by digging deeper to get to the root of the problem, you do the easier thing.

You find something – anything – that sounds like it makes your story different. That makes you the exception. That makes it different this time with this particular guy.

And I know why you do it. You do it for the same reason that I did it, and so many others do it too.

You really want to believe it's different. You don't want to let go.

But he does want to be with me, you say, because he says he still wants to be with me, he responds to my texts, he’s still here. He says he loves me, he just can’t give me what I’m looking for right now, but I know he'll come around.

And so, you stay.

And so, you wait.

Because you believe he’s the one. Because you believe he’s the last one. Because you believe you can’t live without him.

Can you see what’s really going on here? This isn't about him. This isn't about everything you believe he has to offer you.

This is about fear.

You’re afraid.

You don’t want to lose him because you’re afraid there isn't anyone better than him coming along and you’d rather have what you've got with him than settle for someone who you haven’t met yet.

It’s that fear that keeps all of us right where we are, whether we’re talking about a relationship, about a job, about a state of being, or about anything else where we’re being nudged out of our comfort zones.

We've all been there; you’re so not alone in this.

There's a way to fix it.

It’s called trust. In you.

The reason you want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you is because you don’t believe there's someone else out there better for you. But that’s a lie that you've bought into that doesn't reflect the real truth.

The only ones you want to be with are the ones that treat you well. The ones that respect you.

The ones that are consistent and back up their words with their actions and don’t leave you guessing where you stand or wondering when you’re going to hear from them again.

The ones that show up when they say they’re going to show up and call when they say they’re going to call. They’re the ones that bring out the best in you and make you feel better about being yourself, not worse.

I know you want some reassurance, some way of knowing that there’s more to come than this, that there’s more to love than what you’re getting.

That kind of reassurance is right there, in your heart of hearts, beyond that place called fear. But to see it, to get there, you have to be willing to give up what you've got.

To question your belief that this is all there is. To question what you’re really looking for and why.

Don’t call it love if it hurts. Don’t call it “just the way he is” if it’s not the way you want it.

You’re the one in control here. Instead of focusing on him, focus on you. You’re the one who deserves to be loved. You’re the one who deserves to be respected.

Once you get clear on what you want and what you don’t, the rest is simple. You let go of what you don’t want – no matter how exciting it may feel to be with someone who keeps you at a distance – and you let someone who can give you what you deserve a chance to show you what he’s all about.

It’s always your choice what you choose to accept and what you refuse to allow.

His Actions Make Me Want to Scream!

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Our beautiful friend, Ruby, is going through something that so many of us have experienced at one time or another. Her boyfriend is being hot and cold, and becoming distant, then telling her that he can't talk about it! Of course she wants to scream!

Her Story:

I started talking to a guy for about 3 months, everything seemed so great and moving faster than I expected for sure. He didn't directly ask me to be his girlfriend but he did imply and when people asked that's what he said.

I loved the attention I was getting from him and he even said he loved me which definitely thought was soon but I felt bad and I did say it back quietly and guilt-full I guess you could say.

He was always praising me always wanting to spend time with me. I loved the attention and the affection. One day he ignored me for about a day and then randomly text me he was going through something personal he could not share with anyone.

I am not sure what to make of it, he said he would delete me off facebook and other social sites because seeing me on there would only make it harder, he never deleted me and later just told me he wanted to stay friends.

I told him I was OK with that, he came by my place once after that and we did ended sleeping together and he stood the night held my hand and he still texted me for days after and there are days he doesn't text me and when he does he calls me babe or names he did when we were "together".

I am not sure what to make of this it bothers me.

I don't know if I should tell him how I feel and just delete him from my life or just act like it doesn't bother me and stay friends or just walk away and delete him from my life without saying anything at all.

I do have a daughter and I know that he would bringing up meeting her and I explained when the time was right he could but he would have to meet her father as well, he had said he didn't have a problem but later said my daughters father made him uncomfortable but when I asked him how? because they have never met he just kept saying he didn't know and in general he made him feel uncomfortable...giving me no information at all.

It seems like he cannot communicate his feelings. I don't know if maybe this was something that pushed him away or I cannot say I believe that he says he is going through something he can not tell anyone? I want to go about this gracefully and not overreact but everything in me just wants to scream my feelings at the top of my lungs in his face lol.

My Response:

Dear Ruby,

Of course it's frustrating when someone behaves like this with us and it makes no sense from where we stand. But the reality is, it always makes sense to them, no matter what we think about it. This is what he needs right now, this is where he's at. He may not even know himself what's going on for him, but he does know that giving himself some space on all levels when he needs it, feels better to him.

And he's letting you know by his words and his actions where he stands and what he needs, even as it's so frustrating to not understand or have this make any sense to you.

The absolute best thing you can do is know that it doesn't have anything to do with you personally. This is all about him, and what ever is going on with him and what ever you do or don't do or what you did or didn't do doesn't make a difference.

If two people are going to be in a real relationship, it takes both people to want to be there, to be on the same page with each other and looking for the same thing - with each other. Without that kind of same page compatibility, you know you wouldn't be happy anyway.

You can always try, of course, because this is always yours to decide what you want to do with it. Whether you're willing to have some kind of relationship on his terms of what he's said he's capable of, or if you want to move on with your own life apart from him. It's always about what you can live with and what you can't. So do what brings you a sense of peace and calm - and happiness! - and leaves you with the least amount of regrets. That's how you know you've done what's right for you.

Know that you're so not alone here, Ruby. It can be infuriating to know what things could be like for the two of you if only he could see it, too. But that's the whole point here, it's not up to you to bring him around, he has to want to for himself. And only you know if he's worth waiting for while he figures out what he's doing for himself.

You're always the one doing the choosing here, Ruby, don't ever forget that.

I hope this helps a little.

Love,

Jane

How about you - what do you think Ruby should do in this situation? Share your thoughts with us in the comments!

How a Lack of Confidence Keeps You Settling

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You know those women we all know who seem to have no problem attracting any number of men and who make this dating thing seem so effortless?

They’re the ones we’re usually comparing ourselves to, wondering what it is they have that we don’t and how we can get what they've got.

You know it’s something, you just don't know what it is. You can’t quite put a finger on it.

The first thing we go to is their looks – yes, they’re attractive, but not always in any knockout/supermodel kind of way.

Is it the way they’re dressed? The way they carry themselves? Is it their smile?

As much as we try to pin it on one particular thing or another, the answer eludes us because it’s not just about any one particular trait or characteristic. It goes much deeper than that.

It's all of those little things that can be summed up in one word:

Confidence

It’s the one thing that underlies everything else. It doesn't matter how attractive you are, how sexy you are, how amazing you are in any number of ways, if you don’t have this part down nothing else matters. Nothing.Continue Reading

Getting Mixed Signals From a Guy

29 Comments

Our beautiful reader, Kayla, is getting mixed signals from a guy, which has her wondering about his true intentions. Here's her story:

Hi Jane! I have a question. And it's kind of a long story so please bare with me haha.

I'm desperate for some advice. I met this guy about 7 months ago and we seemed to hit it off very well. He was (and still is) a perfect gentleman, and he always treated me great.

I'm 20 years old, and he is 25 years old so there is a few years difference between us.

After about 2-3 months, he came across a new job opportunity that was mostly long distance (but he would be home on the weekends). Things seemed to be OK because he still kept in contact with me and told me "he missed me" and "I wish you were here", etc.

After about a 2 weeks, an even better job opportunity came along and he decided to take it. This however would require him to move away.

Now that being said, he never defined us as being in a relationship. He said we were "friends who liked each other and were 'talking'". But he would tell me on multiple occasions that he cared for me and he would never let me pay for anything when he took me out to dinner or a movie.

When he told me about this job, I'll be honest, I was upset. For the first time I really felt like someone cared for me and now he was going away. So after he took this job decision, he left for the orientation. I didn't hear hardly anything from him for about 2 weeks. (Previously we would talk to each other for hours at a time daily.)

This was very difficult for me to accept because I felt like he hated me. After a while, he finally contacted me back. Long story short, he told me that "we should just be friends". And also, he told me that he could never come back to our church again because, as he quoted: "When I end things with a girl I can't talk to them. I can't be around them, or have any contact with them."

So he said he was going to find a different church to go to. I accepted this with heart break. Now I am a Christian and I battled with this for a while. I would send him a text every now and then telling him I was praying for him with a Bible verse attached (with no expected response).

He would sometimes respond to a text every now and then but with only a little conversation. I didn't text him for about 2 weeks. I had finally accepted the fact that if he wasn't the guy for me, then God would make it to where there would be no more communication from him.

His birthday rolled around and I felt obligated to at least tell him "happy birthday" since he spent $100 on me for my birthday. Surprisingly, he responded to the text with a "thank you!".

I didn't contact him for an entire week.

The next Friday, I was about to clock in at work when I noticed a text on my phone. I quickly looked and saw that it was him. My stomach started doing flips.

He said he was coming by the store to get some things. He came through my line at the register and we made small talk for a minute and then he left. So I thought that was the end of the conversation. About 10 minutes later I looked at my phone and saw where he texted me again. He sent me a smiley face.

So I was a bit confused by this action. What did he mean?

Well I didn't text him until a week later. He kept the conversation going and we talked that Friday and Saturday. Now I would always send him nothing but encouraging texts and tell him that I'm always here for him.

That Saturday he asked me "Why are you so nice to me?" I told him that I would never want to treat someone rudely or bad. He then responded with a sad face, but wouldn't tell me why he was so sad.

To my surprise, the next day, he showed up at church. He told me that he is striving to work on his relationship with God and he wants to study some devotions with me. He actually stated that he needed my help. And ever since then, he calls me every day, or texts me every day. And lately he's been calling me multiple times a day.

He will say things like "I hope I find someone before I go bald because no one will want me then" or how he wants a family some day and a house of his own. And when I went for a job interview, he called me to ask how things went.

He took me out to dinner recently and REFUSED to let me pay, He actually told me multiple times that I was not going to pay.

His dad has told me many times that his family didn't like the girls he previously "dated" and that he really wants me to marry his son.

Now all that being said, why would he be calling me multiple times a day, every day, if he didn't want to have anything to do with me anymore?

Why would he want to take me out to dinner and not let me pay?

Why does he still call me pet names like "Sweetie", and "Hun"?

I know he was in a serious relationship years ago and he had his heart broken really bad, but that was about 8 years ago (when he was in high school). What does this all mean? I'm just really confused. Thank you in advance for all your help.

Sincerely,

Kayla

My response

I’m not surprised you’re confused, Kayla; this guy is giving you some very mixed signals! It sounds like he’s confused himself and while he likes your company and enjoys being with you, he’s being very clear by his comments like "I hope I find someone before I go bald because no one will want me then" that he is keeping his options open and doesn't want you to assume he wants to be with you.

It doesn't mean a whole lot when he takes you out and doesn't let you pay; that’s more for him and his ego than for you, so try not to read too much into any of these little things. There are enough of his mixed signals around for you to protect your own beautiful heart instead of reading more into these little things than is actually there.

This sounds like someone who likes the way he feels when he’s around you, but it doesn't sound like someone who’s ready to be with you and can give you what you’re looking for right now.

My concern is that you’re holding onto so many of these things that are coloring your interpretation of where he’s at and what he’s thinking, rather than looking at the reality of what he’s telling you and believing him.

If you can simply enjoy what you have with him while keeping your own options open and not giving away your own power by putting him on a pedestal, that’s one thing. But if you can’t honestly do that without wanting more than he does, you’re only setting yourself up for disappointment if he’s not on the same page as you.

My best advice, Kayla, is to resist the need to find out why he’s behaving the way he is and simply take it one day at a time. There are too many mixed signals to believe that he knows what he wants for himself. He needs to sort out his own issues for himself without you rescuing him or loving him enough to help him figure himself out. This is his own work apart from you.

So often we forget this, or we want to jump to the stage where we’re part of a couple taking care of each other, but until you know for sure you’re both on the same page and want the same thing with each other, don’t go there. He’s an adult. He doesn't need you to take care of him while he’s still trying to figure this all out.

You, on the other hand, have your whole life ahead of you! This is not the time to get hung up on what someone else does or doesn't do, but instead, focus on you! Put your time and energy into creating a beautiful life for yourself instead of worrying about what someone else does or doesn't do.

Follow your own dreams, get involved with the things you’re passionate about and find those things that stir your soul. Fill your own cup so full of life and love from so many places that what he – or any other guy – does or doesn't do, doesn't matter as much as what you do. Because if someone is truly right for you – meaning the two of you are on the same page and want the same thing and are both willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen – you’ll never have to wonder; you’ll always know! It's never complicated.

Make a life for yourself just like he’s doing, and you won’t ever be tempted to put someone on a pedestal because you think they have so much more to offer you than you already have. You’re the prize, Kayla; make sure he’s worthy of you!

And always remember, YOU are doing the choosing!

Do you have any more advice or words of encouragement for our dear friend Kayla? Share them with us in the comments!

10 Assumptions That Will Ruin Your Love Life

37 Comments

I was having a conversation with a friend recently about some of the assumptions I used to make when I was single. With the benefit of hindsight, it's clear that these assumptions were way off base, but at the time they just seemed to make sense.

You know, like the one where you assume that he’s interested in calling you simply because he asked for your number.

Or the one where you assume he’s on the same page as you simply because you've been going out for awhile and you think everything’s going well.

Here I was thinking so many of the assumptions that I made were true for both people in a relationship. That they were just naturally the way both men and women started thinking about the nuances of things as just part of the dating and relationship process – when in reality, they were anything but similar.

Not just gender came into play, but also personality, cultural differences, and many other factors, and I started to see how the lens that we see everything through that reflects the stories of our lives comes into play here once again.

You think it must be what he’s thinking, too. You believe it’s the next logical step for him, too. You can’t imagine how it could be any different for him.

But the reality is, he’s not you.

I started realizing just how much of a problem this is for so many of us, when we look at how someone else behaves and we make our own judgment that has everything to do with us and our own filters, and nothing to do with him.

If it was just an observation on our part, that would be one thing, but the problem goes so much deeper than that. It’s because we make these judgments into the truth about our relationships, and then we start living that way, without even realizing how one-sided this reality that we've created for ourselves – the only reality we see - has become.

And when you live this way, when you make someone your world and close off all your other options simply because he’s telling you all the things you want to hear, you’re not seeing this for the reality of how long you've been together or how well you really know him.

Like when you start playing house with him before you have the committed relationship you’re looking for from him, simply because his lease is up or because you’d like someone to snuggle with at night. You’re missing the most important part - the commitment.

You’re making yet another assumption here based on your criteria, your view, your own filtered lens.

Here are 10 big assumptions that so many of us make that totally mess up our love lives:

You assume you're his girlfriend just because you've been hanging out together.
You assume he's interested in a relationship just because he’s flirting with you.
You assume he hears wedding bells the same way you do because he’s asking you out.
You assume he wants a relationship with you because he wants to have sex with you, even if he calls it "making love”.
You assume he wants to marry you because he’s OK with living together.
You assume you're exclusive (hint: You're not, unless you both verbally agree you are!)
You assume that his telling you he “doesn't want to lose you” means he can give you what you’re looking for.
You assume that having his baby means he’ll stay with you and become the man the father your child needs him to be.
You assume he'll come back to you just because you decide to play hard to get.
You assume he wants you to “rescue him” just because he tells you the sad story of how he’s never known love, or been cheated on, or had a rough childhood, etc., etc., etc.

The first step in changing these assumptions (that are really your belief systems operating that keep you from finding love) is simply to recognize them.

Hear yourself saying them in the unspoken thoughts you think when you find yourself in any of these situations.

Question the reality of what is, versus the fantasy of what you want it to be.

Is it real? Or is it just you wanting it to be real and reading more into it than what’s really there?

You don’t want the fairytale. You don’t want the lie.

You want the reality, you want the truth.

Even if it hurts, even if it’s not what you imagined. Free yourself by being willing to see the reality of what you do know, of what you feel, of what you see, of what his actions say even if his words don’t, before you go any further in a script that is just that; a fantasy and not the love and the life that you so deserve.

What assumptions have you held? You’re not alone! Let’s help each other recognize the ones we've been living by sharing them here in the comments!

I Want Marriage and Children, But He's Not Ready

37 Comments

Here's an email from another one of our beautiful readers, who signed herself DRT.

She's been in a long term relationship for quite a while, and is ready for the next stage, but her boyfriend is not.

Here's her story:

Thanks for your site. I've read a few of the articles, which I have found insightful.

My question is: I've been with my boyfriend for 8 years, I'm in my early thirties and he is nearly forty. We have lived together for most of that time.

I have been ready to settle down and have children for some time now. The time is also right for me career-wise (and may be less so in future due to increasing responsibilities which I'll need some time to get used to).

He has always said we will get married and have children but it always seems to be some vague time in the future. Currently he wants to wait a couple of years until he is the next rung up the career ladder.

He complains that he hasn't lived his life yet and that we don't go out enough. I'll be honest I would prefer a meet up with friends or a day trip rather than go partying. This is the main cause of our arguments.

We generally get on well otherwise and both have our hobbies although not shared.

His takes up a lot of his time and often at short notice which I find frustrating, and he gets annoyed that I won't go with him though I have tried and don't enjoy it.

What worries me also is that he actively tries to avoid events with children, including with my family (I have several young cousins).

I know you don't have to like other people's children to have your own but I would want someone who is an active father involved in family life and events.

I am starting to think that the future I envisaged will not happen.

Should I continue in a relationship with someone I love and enjoy spending time with when we're together or am I going to miss my chance at a family because I wait too long for a man who may not commit?

Signed, DRT

My Response:

Dear DRT,

I hear where you're coming from.

You have all this history and time invested with someone, and then there's the reality of where you are and what you want at this stage of your life, and it sounds like he hasn't come to this point with you.

I see several red flags here, particularly the fact that you say he tries to "actively avoid events with children" - and you want children - and that he's "complaining he hasn't live his life yet and we don't go out enough" - and you prefer to meet up with some friends than go partying.

Since you clearly know what you want, and he's not giving you some real indicators that these are the same priority for him, these would be some real red flags for me if I was looking to get married and have children and this was a top priority for me.

But this has to come from you. You have to come to this for yourself or you won't be able to live with yourself and your decision.

Is he really marriage material or are the two of you too far apart on these points that are at the top of your priority list? Are you willing to take a "wait-and-see" approach to see if he might come around? No one can know the future, but where someone is at now - and how they behave - are the best indicators you have of what you can expect more of.

If you haven't already, I would evaluate just how much you really have in common when it comes to what matters most to you. As I've said in an earlier post, one of the ways you'll know if you've got a keeper is if he's available for the kind of relationship that you want. And I used the example that if you want kids and he doesn't, then he's not available for the type of relationship that you want.

Unfortunately, I hear far too many stories from women who wait and wait and wait some more for some man with so much potential that they've fallen in love with to come around to their page, until their own lives have passed them by. While these are someone else's stories and the only story that matters here is your own, they reveal the reality of where this road often leads.

I have a feeling that that since you're writing to me about this now, you already know your own answers. Deep down, we always do.

Whether it's that pull that urges you to give it just a little more time - and then you set that time frame in your own mind - or that gentle nudging that tells you there's more to life and love and being in relationship with someone you love than this.

Whatever pull feels stronger, DRT, know that this is always about you and what you can live with and what you can't.

Real love - the real kind you're talking about that you choose - is about two people on the same page who want the same thing with each other and are willing to do whatever it takes to make that happen. I don't know of a healthy, loving, fulfilling, and rewarding relationship that can last without that.

But what that looks like specifically can be different for each of us depending on who you are, what you want and what you don't, and what you need to be happy.

It's not about him - you can let him know what you want and what you need to be happy - but you can't change him. He is who he is and he's going to do what he wants to do.

I hope this helps give you some outside perspective, DRT.

I know this isn't an easy decision to make, but regardless of what you decide, the best place to start is the decision to focus on you, to make your own life a priority, and live your own life in a way that reflects your beautiful, authentic, true self with so much to offer, so much to give.

Sometimes all it takes is that conscious shift in our own way of being that creates a new energy that ripples through our relationships and brings about a change in the ones we're with.

Love,

Jane

What do you think DRT should do in this situation? Tell us in the comments!

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Why Do You Want to Be With Someone Who Doesn't Want to Be With You?

His Actions Make Me Want to Scream!

Her Story:

My Response:

How a Lack of Confidence Keeps You Settling

Confidence

Getting Mixed Signals From a Guy

My response

10 Assumptions That Will Ruin Your Love Life

I Want Marriage and Children, But He's Not Ready

My Response:

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