It's that time of year again - the season that brings up so many mixed feelings. On the one hand, it's a time of excitement and joy; on the other, we're often filled with melancholy and loneliness, particularly when we don't have someone special in our lives.
Yes, it's the holidays.
If you're at all like I was (and I know you are), you approach the holidays so idealistically, overflowing with optimism. We always go into it believing that this time things will be different. Better.
This time, your mom will really hear what you're saying. This time you and your dad will really connect and share some special moments. This time your uncle will stop ribbing you about being "still single". This time there won't be family arguments after (or during) dinner.
The dream.
And then there's what I like to call the dream.
This time, we think, he's going to finally realize what he's got in you, and he's going to want a committed relationship.
You can picture it in your mind so vividly:
He comes walking up the path to your front door, a dozen red roses in hand, tears in his eyes. "I've been such a fool" he says.
"I didn't realize what I'd had until now. But now I do. And I'm here. I'm finally ready. And I know what I want. And it's YOU!"
He gets down on one knee and pulls out the engagement ring you'd waited what has seemed like a lifetime for. "Will you …marry me?" he says, looking up at you with such love.
And you, with tears in your eyes, barely able to speak, mouth the words, "yes!", as he sweeps you up in his strong but tender embrace and gives you a long, sensual kiss.
We live for that.
Literally.
We'll do anything to make that dream come true.
We'll stay a little longer. We'll be even more understanding. We'll forgive him yet another time.
It's time for a different dream.
Well, this time, we're doing something different. Not one more holiday season. Not one more New Year.
It's been far too long since someone showed you the real you. The beautiful you.
This time I'm the one coming up that walk and knocking at your door. Yes, I'm coming to you without you having to come to me, because just once in your life I want you to experience what it feels like to be sought out and sought after, instead of the other way around.
No, I'm sorry; I'm not him.
But what I'm going to show you is so much better than him, even if you can't see it yet. You will.
I give you a warm hug. We know each other, you see. Not because we've ever met before, but because when you've been through what we've been through, that kind of understanding of each other comes through in our eyes, in our faces as soon as we meet.
I take you with me into the beautiful fresh air. We walk through the trees, down a path that leads to the ocean. We stop and sit down on a rock, listening to the sound of the waves crashing on the shore, big enough, wild enough to contain every single one of your darkest fears, your deepest longings and everything else that seems too much for everyone else.
It's here that it all spills out. Your story, your dreams, your plans, your hopes, your fears. All of it. And when you're done, the truth comes through so loud and clear from here.
There's nothing wrong with you.
Nothing.
Your beautiful giving, loving, caring self simply got lost along the way in the giving and the loving and the caring about the very ones who weren't capable of doing the same for you.
It wasn't your fault.
It wasn't about you.
Two people, two different pages. I know it doesn't really matter. You still feel the hurt no matter how logical the answer is. That's the only reality you feel.
Come walk out on the edge of the ocean with me. It's the place where my dream began again, too. Take your dream, take your beautiful dream you've almost given up on because it seems so out of reach.
It's there for a reason. It's yours for a reason.
All that you want – the man who loves you, adores you, the commitment, the life you deserve – it's not a cruel joke that's been played on you, no matter how much it feels like it.
Dreams still come true when you're with someone who shares the same ones with you.
These other ones couldn't get there because they didn't want to get there. They didn't share your same dreams. They might have talked about getting there, about how much they wanted the same thing, but their actions told a different story until you couldn't deny it any longer.
They wouldn't commit. You were the only one there. No wonder it felt so lonely!
Can you see the difference?
Take back that dream of yours and give it back to its rightful owner: you. It's not his to take away from you no matter what else he took with him. It's not up for grabs.
It's not just your dream to take back, it's your you. The you that loves like only you can love. The you that gives like no one's ever seen.
Embrace those parts of you like you never have before. Because it's these exact beautiful qualities of yours that are going to bring you the real kind of love you're been searching for and make those dreams come true. With someone who - this time - is right for you!
Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, Happy Kwanzaa, Happy (insert whatever you celebrate here) to you, beautiful. This is where your dreams come true!
How about you? What dreams have gone buried, taken away from you without your even realizing they're gone?
Mmmmm nice qoute Jane. I liked it when you talk about 'dreams'..humans make themselves to be happy and sad also.
So true, Prudence. I'm so glad this resonated with you!
I was with a guy who I was madly in love with we we're suppose to get married but prior to that day he disappeared it's been 4 months I still haven't heard from him. No reasons nothing left me heart broken I'm finally getting better.
I learned to worry about me not just a man it feels good.
As it should, Vange. Someone who doesn't contact you for 4 months isn't worth your beautiful broken heart!
How accurate and painful but at the same time liberating! To imagine it being safe to be me again.....maybe some day.
It's only the ones you've been with that haven't been safe for you, Odete. Try something different starting today by noticing the different places and people who you feel safe around and explore those further. while staying away from the ones who you don't feel safe with. It sounds like you're a beautiful, sensitive soul who's taken on what isn't yours to carry for far too long. You only ever want to be with the ones who make you feel safe - it's how you can tell them apart.
Dear Jane,
Thank you so much for posting these wonderful emails! I find these stories so interesting, and I've learned so much from them!
I'm so glad, Alysha. Thank you.
Firstly, Happy Holidays Jane! Without you website and wonderful support and blogs, the last six months would have been so hard. You were heaven sent, and I'm grateful for to you for that. I'm doing good, I must say. Day by Day. Yet, I must say this. I recently sent notes to each person who touched my life over the last year or so. I was hemming and hawing about whether to send a note to the "Mr I don't know if I want a relationship" I mean, we had a platonic friendly relationship, but he did not want more than that. I'm over him, truly. but as a small gesture to wish the best for the holidays, I did. Short and sweet. He replied and was happy to hear from me and thought we could meet if possible whyile he is here for the week. He lives in another state. He did inject, if not he would understand. I thought about it for a few hours. I sent him back and told him I would not be able to see him this week or the next, although I do have the time. I just wanted to send him a note as a fellow human being - not to "try" and see if he was "ready" to start a relationship. I had enough heartache asking him whether we should take out friendship further and with his "I don't know" was very hard on me this past September. I'm over him and actually plan on going on a date in the near future with someone else. Not sure he will be the one, I'm very guarded. I hope 2015 will be a pleasant one for myself, you and all the others on here. To keep those famous Jane's words "Being on the same page." "You are a beatiful person." and so many wonderful positive a supportive words. Thank you again Jane. And best to all on this site.
I once again should have proof read my words. Sorry
I can still understand what you're saying, Denise 🙂
Exactly the response of a woman who knows her worth, Denise. I couldn't have suggested a better response if you had asked for one, and the most beautiful part of it is that it came from you. Wow! You inspire me! Thank you for your kind words and happy holidays to you, too.
Jane - thank you so much! I'm learning, truly learning. It's starting to become part of me, naturally. Wish I found you and this website A LONG TIME AGO.......... You be blessed as everyone on here. I'll keep on coming back. because it helps in all areas of your life. Thank you ..thank you!
You're so welcome, Denise. I'm so glad you're here, too!
Well, I'm about to go on a date with someone who has been a long family friend. He's a real gentleman with wonderful old fashioned values. He has much character and kindness. Good heart and very giving. So, let's see if we are on the same page. He came out of the blue after 35 years ago. Tells you I'm not a young girl anymore. He even contacted my brother to see if it was okay. Old school type. Kind of refreshing to say the least. So, I'm a little nervous, but I have to be myself. Jane thank you for your support. Going on dates are no easy task, but I believe on this particular date I can be myself. Thank god!
Character and kindness - that's what you want! Just focus on having fun, Denise, and only looking at today, not down the road. You'll know more soon enough. If you can't be yourself with someone, then you don't want to be with them at all!
Thank you Jane for your support and feedback. It was very nice time and conversation. Short but sweet, but like you said I'm only looking for today, no further. And I was myself. Please keep this website going, it is heaven sent!
Exactly, Denise. That's the whole point of dating. And I will! 🙂
As always jane ! Such beautiful and well spoken words ! Why so many of us have fallen in love with peanuts perhaps we shall never know, but knowing there are such kind hearted souls out there as yourself helping complete strangers, makes the heart smile !
Thank you
Merry Christmas dear jane
Always love those heart smiles - they mirror your kind, sweet soul. I'm glad, Alex. And the very same to you - Merry Christmas!
Thank you for writing this and for your kind words. For those of us with a heavy heart this Christmas, is just what we needed to hear. Two months ago I finally ended a 8 year relationship, only to find out two weeks ago that he had been in a serious relationship with another woman for months (maybe years) and he is now doing with her all the things he didn't want to do with me and possibly getting married soon. It felt like a punch in the stomach and sometimes the anger I have towards him is more than what I can handle. But I know God removed him from my life for a reason and that His plans are always better than mine. I am trying to not let this nightmare define me and turn me into a resentful and cold person, I'm trying to hold on to my dream that one day I will find someone who loves the way I love.
Merry Christmas and many blessings to you for giving us the support we so much need during these difficult times.
-Amy (AKA hopeless romantic)
Thank you, Amy. And Merry Christmas to you too. There's someone who's going to adore that part of you, Amy. Absolutely adore it! If I hadn't seen it for myself when we trade out the man who can't give us what we're looking for with someone who can, I wouldn't have believed it either. But it's true. Takes that feeling that feels "like a punch in the stomach" and all that anger and throw it back on him. Feel the freedom of not having to carry that load! It's not yours to carry, to take on, to absorb. It's a re-righting of something that you weren't meant to be in, no matter how much it doesn't feel that way to you right now. Keep going! One day, when you least expect it, a new feeling's going to come over you and you're going to see it for yourself, too.
I noticed so many of these stories have the underlying message of, "I gave my all". Funny that - I never needed someone like Jane my entire life, it was only when I was struck with pity for a partner that milked the death of his mother that I started to "give my all" too - and that's when the trouble started - think about it ladies and our few male readers - a relationship is two people giving equally most of the time. It's only when you draw boundaries and love yourself that you gain the strength to walk away from the bullshit - then they shape up or you're free - thank you Jane, many blessings upon you
You're onto something here, Fairycake. Thank you.
Jane.... At this moment I honestly can't stop crying. Its very obvious that whatever you write comes from deep within your heart. You've reached a part of my heart that I thought was gone forever. Thank you for showing me how to feel again. Merry Christmas;)
I so understand what you're saying here, Jennifer. It's the only place where there's this type of shared understanding. In our hearts. If it's the place we lose so much of ourselves, it's the very place we have to go to get us back. It's only as gone as we send ourselves way. Hold onto you - there's so much more where that came from. And someone who's going to understand this too!
My dreams, I guess they are like any other woman's. Have this man see me for who I am and how much I care for him. But like you said, as the lonely journey I've been in the past year I also finally realized that I am not the one for him no matter how much I would wanted it to be. I guess for now all my dreams are on halt until the man that will reach for my hand without me offering it, the one that will make me smile without even knowing, and I will not be afraid of making mistakes because he will accept me for who I am and nothing else! That day I will share my feelings once again in a expression of love that will be reciprocated and we will be one. But for now I will wait and see what the future brings and he will always have a very special place in my heart even though I was invisible to him.
Keep those dreams, Iris. Don't halt them. Keep them right there in front of you so you can feel them no matter where you look. And then get visible. If we become invisible to someone, it's because we've become invisible to ourselves. Show yourself who you are and what you can do, and how no setback, no man, no one can put a limit on the things that are possible for you. We're always the ones who need to be convinced of this the most.
Thank You Jane for all your inspirational messages and moral support. I wish you and your family, and all your readers a wonderful holiday season and a fabulous 2015. I propose we all make a pledge to ourselves from this moment on - to stay healthy, happy and be hopeful no matter where we are, what we do, who we meet and stay positive everyday knowing that tomorrow will always be better.
I second that, Amy 🙂 And thank you for your kind words. I wish the same for you!
Thank you, Jane, for being there for us... Your blog is beautiful and impeccable as your words... I find comfort and hope in your words, because you really know what you are talking about... And when it comes to this dream... I believe in it so much, that I would never let go of it... Our dream is there for a reason... And it IS possible!
Thank you for your beautiful words, Monica; don't ever let go of it. It's your dream for a reason, even if the why, and the how isn't as clear. Keep it in sight and it will find a way. So nice to hear from you again!
Dear Jane,
I am really suprised when I indeed imagine you at my door instead of a guy ..
It did made me feel a bit sad , I even cried today. I saw my ex with the girlfriend, and we did not talk. But it gave me a
Moment of sadness. And "why not me, or why don t I have a boyfriend "...
It just made me cry and I do not know why.
So the feeling is keeping me stuck a bit today.. I really feel kinda weird! I didnt even wanted to do anything.Tommorow it is Xmas eve.. And I know I have tomorow a new day , and I am young etc.
So my dream is to for the new year, and starting tomorrow.
To enjoy and celebrate life, to be just happy! I really feel also that I deserve a great man and a family.
Bless you!
And you do so deserve that, Maris! Those tears show you how deep you can feel, and love and care and hope and dream. Don't change any of it! There's nothing that derails our progress quite like seeing an ex move on before you have, but remember that it's never as great as it seems - or we make out to be in our own minds. There's so much more still to come for you, and those tears reflect that quiet knowing deep inside you as well.
You do know, Maris; you do. He couldn't be enough because you never felt quite enough with him and that's why when you're with someone who's been looking for exactly the beautiful woman you are, you will know him because you will feel enough, you will feel like you don't have to wonder or question who you are. You will feel safe to be yourself without question. That knowing will be there, too. Tomorrow doesn't have to be a new day. It can simply be another day.
Jane,
Thank you so much for your kindness and generosity to share so much wisdom.
I am thankful to not be in a relationship right now because of what I'm learning. When I'm in a hurtful relationship where I'm not valued and respected, my perception is so clouded by my emotions and reactions to my boyfriend's behavior (pain and confusion).
I am starting to "get it" that I need to be conscious and intentional about my relationship with myself first, and then make choices in my dating life which are honoring to myself and the men involved. Even if that means saying, "No, I can't permit this pain and unhealthiness in my life."
Time and practice are still needed, and at my age, patience is difficult. But I know being single and building a good life is Much better than being in a relationship where I'm confused and lonelier than ever and betraying myself continually by staying in it.
Have a Wonderful Christmas, and thanks again for the good truth you are putting out here!
Thank you for your kind words, Patrice. Yes, you are "getting it". Choosing you when there's a choice between being doing what's loving to you and doing what keeps someone in your life because you're not able to see clearly what his behavior's doing to you, you always deserve to be loved. By you! Without that, we miss ourselves, we miss the life we're meant to live, we miss the person who can give us what we're looking for instead of spending all our time and energy with someone who can never give us that. So much better! Wishing you a beautiful Christmas, too.
once again you've written another awesome article. I can relate to everything that you write & I think this one basically sums it all up. You have helped me understand & realize all that I've been trying to avoid & deny in my relationship of 2 yrs. Its been a disaster since the beginning yet i ignore all the obvious signs cuz I want nothing more than for this to wk. It just has to. I'll make it work. And since the beginning I've denied what I already knew. Like a fool, I still had hope that this could work & things would change & my bf would finally want the same things I do. But days, months & now yrs have gone by & nothings changed. In fact, the saddest part is that this relationship had actually regressed. I keep holding onto false hope that diminishes more & more everyday. And it's absolutely sickening to be living this way & always wondering, how long is this goin to go on for? Why is it and how is it still goin on? I knw what needs to be done yet im still scared, confused & hurt that I can't get the courage to walk away. Even though this isn't the way a relationship should be or how I want it to be, I stay cuz I foolishly tell myself it will change even though its obvious it won't. I dnt knw why we r still holding on when its not working. I would give almost anythng to have my bf tell me he loves me every day or at least when i say it, to have him finally introduce me to his family that I've never met after 2yrs & to want to live with me & actually want to share his life with me, all of it. And the every day battle that I fight shows no signs of those things happening. So I continue to stay while experiencing the worst pain & sadness I've ever felt. It's almost indescribable. My one dream, the one thing that I want more than anythng is to be married & truely happy & to share my life with someone who loves me. It's all I want. My dream seems farther and farther away every time my bf says he wont get married again, that its stupid. Then what's the point to this relationship? what are we doin then if theres no chance in moving forward and taking the next step? To me there is no point. I sure as hell refuse to continue on like this with no promise of anything in the future. So even after knowing all of this why can't I leave? How can I walk away and b ok? I dont knw what to do except stay in complete misery. How do I get the strength to end this hell?
Your email brought tears to my eyes. It was lovely and I needed to receive it today. I was married for 20 years. Are divorce was final two weeks ago. I am heartbroken. I worked so hard to be who he needed. I can't see thru the grief right now, but I want to. I guess that's some of the battle. This holiday is my first alone. I just want it to come and go. It hurts that he just discarded me. He truly acts like I'm someone he never loved. Perhaps I am that person and I just don't want to admit it. Divorce was final two weeks ago and he is happy and dating a few girls. I want to believe I meant something. Where the last twenty years of my life for nothing? I want to stop loving him and hoping he'll decide that he loves me. That's what I want this Christmas.
Jen. When the people we love become strangers, there is nowhere to turn. Except inward. Find kindness and understanding within you, for you. I go to help out at local animal shelter. Find something you can share your kindness with and selfishly seek and enjoy gratitude for it.
Merry Christmas to everyone.
Beautiful advice, Wayne. I'm sure those animals adore you. So glad you've found something to share your giving, caring heart with. Have a look at who else volunteers there, Wayne, that's where you start finding the ones who share your beautiful heart. Merry Christmas to you, too.
Don't do this to yourself, Jen. Don't make what he's doing, what's he going through about you. It's not. You haven't been discarded, no matter how much it feels this way. The only person who can discard you - who can treat you like this - is you. What we do to ourselves is far worse than anything he could do to you. Don't do that to you. Those years weren't for nothing. There's something so beautiful at the end of this tunnel that you're going to find when this heartbreaking "going through" becomes so much clearer to you. Don't run from it. Embrace it. You're embracing you.
Hi Jenn,
I was married almost 24 years when I walked away. I sacrificed everything I ever knew. Now almost 4 years later I'm still discovering me. At the end of the day, I was a shadow of my true self for so many years trying to be exactly who he wanted. I will never understand (for the record I'm done trying to as well) why I was never good enough or even simpler, Enough, for him. I am 46 years old, rebuilding my relationships with my daughters (I have 5) as well I am truly "finding" mysel. I have dated and am currently in a lovely slow paced relationship with a fantastic man who I am getting to know and really becoming friends with. Of all of my research on self discovry and relationships, I love Jane's blog the most. I can only encourage you to Always think of you first. Every day, give your beautiful self a pep talk. Remind yourself of all your beautiful qualities. Like Wayne suggested, find something that appeals to you and go do it. I had no true intrests and in the last few years I have tried lots of new things and made a lot of new friends. One exercise I did once was I asked a long term friend who knew me from the beginning of my marriage and I asked a new friend who has only known me post separation and divorce to describe me in their words. It was beautiful to see that they both see the same woman. Quite amazing actually and very enlightening. Anyway, just b sure to take time for you and try to discover new things and meet new people. Its a new chapter, new beginning, enjoy.
Merry Christmas
Jennifer
Dear Jane
You have a beautiful and lovely soul. Whilst your words made me cry, it does help me try and see that my boyfriend of four years, who admitted that he loved me, was not on the same page as me and we finished in the most horrid of ways (via text). It is two months on, we have not spoken, and yet I still harbour some hope that he will come back to me because love does conquer all xxx Have a wonderful Christmas time and a happy and healthy New Year. Much love Michelle xxx
"...and yet I still harbour some hope that he will come back to me because love does conquer all" - I so hear you, Michelle. Love can only conquer all if he allows it to. It's not up to you. But it's going to be ok even if it doesn't turn out this way because being with someone who's on the same page as you is the only way we can ever be happy in the way love is meant to feel.
Merry Christmas to you, Michelle - and thank you for your kind words.
Happy holidays everyone!
Dear Jane, I just wanted to say thank you for all the wisdow you've shared. Im sure you get it a lot, but I have to say it that your words helped me so much after my recent break up. So thank you!
Thank you so much for your kind words, LG; they truly mean so much to me to hear from you. We're never meant to go through so much heartbreak alone. Happy Holidays to you!
Oh Jane. Tears are coming down my cheeks now as I read your post and eat a salad alone in a restaurant. And I can tell you that if you actually came knocking at my door, I'd be more than happy and happier than if any of the men in my past did. Thank you so much for your love, support and wisdom. You have truly been an inspiration to me this year and you have given me therefore so much more than any other beautiful friend of mine could in matters of the heart.
This holiday season really IS different for me. I'm all by myself, far away from home and I got myself back this year. I awoke this year and I'm thankful for the lessons and the peace I feel now when it comes to it all and when I just surrendered. It is also really sad because my best friend just told me her boyfriend broke up with her last night over the phone. I can only feel her devastation and I am so sad I can't be there with her now to console her. This year has really been a rollercoaster ride for her and for me, and I only hope she gains a lot from everything I am learning and passing on to her. She has never had the problem I have had with men; on the contrary men float to her... She has scads to choose from, but sadly she has chosen wrong. She has chosen men who just can't be there for her the way she would love them to. Her last boyfriend is a great man, but they went into it too fast and based everything on chemistry. Sadly it didn't work out well for either of them. But I hope she and he get to cherish the beautiful lesson they can learn and the beautiful memories they created.
I have no idea what the future holds for us, but I trust that it will be the best.
Merry Christmas, Jane! And please show up at my door
You're sweet, Angel. I'm working on it! Embrace the difference you're talking about this year; see what you can do with it, that feels loving to you, that makes you happy and focuses on you for a change. We're each on our own journey, and how we come to see what will free us to live the lives where we can be truly happy looks different for everyone. How wonderful it is to be awake, even if it feels so painful at times being in that awareness! Be so proud of yourself for seeing what you couldn't see before. And Merry Christmas to you!
Merry Christmas Jane.
This is beautiful and so perfect.
Thank you
And Merry Christmas to you, Jennifer. I always love hearing from you!